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Monika is definitely mad at her.
She didn’t say it out loud when it happened, nor did she try to show it, but Lia knows that she is. The younger woman is as transparent as a clear blue water that a slight change in her demeanor and Lia would immediately know what she felt.
Or maybe knowing each other since they were teenagers made them well-versed in each other’s emotions. Even though they lost contact for years and only reconnected when they both did this show, Lia felt that the Jungwoo that she knew back then was still inside the woman that she is today.
Also, “reconnected” might be a little generous to describe what they have now.
They didn’t become friends again, no. Not when they’d only contact each other when they both needed an itch to be scratched. She couldn’t even call it a friends-with-benefits type of situation.
More like an acquaintance-with-benefits.
She didn’t plan to do it with the woman, but she guessed some things had a way of happening, whether she liked it or not.
She didn’t even know if she was attracted to her former student back then. However, she did have some sentimental feelings towards her. Monika, or Jungwoo, was someone who used to be so dear to her. Someone she had taken under her wing and helped become passionate about dancing. She was one of the most spectacular students Lia had ever taught, and she couldn’t be more proud of what the woman had become and what she had achieved.
But she didn’t expect their relationship to turn into something like this .
It first happened on the night of the finals, when all of the cast, crew, and producers gathered in a BBQ restaurant to celebrate the show's success. They didn’t even get to talk during dinner because they were sitting a few tables apart, and both were engaged in different conversations with different people. Lia would be lying if she said she wasn’t disappointed with that since she was looking forward to properly reconnecting with the woman.
There had been times during the show when she thought they’d be able to rekindle their friendship. She expected Monika to at least drop by their dressing room to greet her or approach and talk to her during break.
But Lia was wrong.
Apart from that one comment during her battle with Baby Sleek, where she told everyone in the room how she knew Lia and how she felt confused when Lia left the battle scene and became a choreographer, the woman didn’t acknowledge her in a more personal way after that.
It even felt to Lia that Monika was being intentionally distant or that she was actively ignoring her presence. She would only address her when she was being asked to make comments whenever she or her group would perform.
Perhaps she was just being professional, and interacting with Lia like how she used to would make some contestants feel like she was favoring someone.
Either way, it made Lia a bit frustrated.
Well, she couldn’t blame the woman, could she? Because what did she expect? Lia let their relationship drift away like that. She didn’t make an effort to stay in touch back then, and now that she finally has the chance, she still hasn’t even tried to initiate a conversation with Jungwoo.
But all of that changed that night.
Maybe the pent-up frustration and feelings of missing what she had with her younger friend made her suddenly act up (and perhaps it was also the four glasses of soju with beer she drank during dinner) and cornered her in the restroom. Lia was washing her hands when Monika suddenly came in, and they made eye contact in the mirror. Lia thought that finally, they were all alone in that restroom; surely Monika would finally talk to her? At least to make being in the same room alone less… awkward?
But no. The woman only bowed her head slightly to show her respect and to acknowledge her, then continued to walk towards one of the stalls without a word.
It enraged Lia to no end, finally making her snap.
“Why the hell are you ignoring me?!” Lia didn’t mean to make it sound that aggressive, but the alcohol had already gotten to her brain, and she couldn’t control herself anymore.
That made Monika stop in her tracks, and the way she slowly turned back to her would’ve made any person tremble in their spot. But not Lia. When Monika finally faced her, Lia could see the mix of confusion and affronted expression on her face.
“Excuse me?” Monika asked as she crossed her arms. Her voice was controlled, the opposite of her earlier outburst.
It made Lia feel slightly ashamed, but what she had done was done. She didn’t have any choice but to go through with it.
She had always wanted to talk to the woman about this anyway, even though what she had in mind had a little less tension than this.
“You heard me,” Lia said, challenging. She wasn’t normally this confrontational, but she had already reached her limits. She had no qualms about calling a person out, especially when their behavior felt off, and it bothered her to no end.
It was as if a switch had been turned on, though, and Monika was suddenly advancing on her. The look on her face made Lia back off the sink involuntarily, and she knew that she angered the woman. She scoffed at her audacity to actually be the one to be mad.
“I’m ignoring you? That’s rich coming from you.” Monika retorted, pleasantries from when she first came in all but gone in a flash.
And Lia was shocked, to say the least. Jungwoo had never once talked back like that to her in all the years she had known her. She wondered then where all that anger was coming from.
She found out a second later when Monika spoke again.
“Weren’t you the one who basically forgot about my existence the minute you became this hotshot choreographer?”
Lia didn’t forget about her. It wasn’t her fault that she became so busy that she didn’t have time for friends, relationships, or even some time for herself. It wasn’t personal and intentional.
It grated on Lia’s nerves, though, and the underlying assumption about that statement greatly offended her
And then one thing led to another, and they were in a screaming match in a public restroom where anyone could walk in. Someone did actually try to come in but immediately backed out and closed the door when they heard them fighting, and no one tried to come in after that. Words full of frustrations and accusations came hurtling towards each other until Lia was fully backed into the sink, and they were standing face to face (when did they get so close to each other?) and breathing on each other’s faces.
She didn’t know who leaned in first, but the intense crashing of lips and teeth soon followed. Lia wasn’t the least bit surprised. Anger and sexual tension were often blurred together, and that moment was no exception.
Lia took her by the hand, dragged her into one of the stalls, and locked them inside.
Thinking about it now, she definitely felt disgusted that they had sex in a cramped, dirty toilet stall. But honestly? It was one of the most electrifying experiences she had ever had.
Nothing was resolved between them that night, and they went home still mad at each other. But it’s as if an unspoken agreement happened between them because the next few days after that, Monika was barging inside her office, desire in her eyes, and went straight to kissing her. She got thoroughly fucked on her desk that day.
Two months passed by, and they were still in the same situation. They’d meet up, have amazing sex, and they would part ways immediately after. They wouldn’t talk, and the fight they had two months ago just slowly sorted itself out, and they were only less mad at each other now. It wasn’t sweet and pure; it was just lust and passion. Lia knew that they should talk about it at some point, but she was afraid that she’d ruin what they have going on right now if she so much as speak about it.
Because what they have got going on is so good, the sex was mind-blowing, and she didn’t have to stress about things she’d normally stress about when she’s in a real relationship. It was just casual fun, and it was enough for Lia. She wouldn’t have it any other way.
At least feelings wouldn’t be at risk of getting hurt.
That’s what Lia thought until last week happened.
When Monika supposedly got mad at Lia. She was probably still angry at her up to this day because she had texted her multiple times throughout the week to “meet up,” but all of it was left unanswered.
She didn’t even feel like having sex when she contacted her. She just felt so bad at their last interaction that she wanted to ensure everything was fine between them.
But everything wasn’t fine if Monika ignoring her was any indication.
So here’s what happened: Last week, after they were done and Monika was putting her clothes back on and getting ready to leave, the younger woman suddenly blurted out about her receiving some award. It was out of character since they had never once talked about anything going on in their lives, but Lia felt happy for her at that moment regardless. She was about to congratulate her when Monika surprised her even further and told her that she should come if she liked and said that Hyo-jin, Leejung, and Bada would be there so she wouldn’t feel out of place. Lia remembered Monika's nervousness back then, and it made her feel even worse thinking about it.
It didn’t fail to make Lia feel a little giddy and excited at the invitation, though.
But when Monika told her the date of the event, all of the excitement fell away when she realized that it was on the same day as Harimu’s event.
The one she had already said yes to and had already practiced for since they were also performing that night. It would be wholly unprofessional to back out now, especially if many of her fans were also expecting to see her.
At the same time, Lia knew it probably took a lot of courage for Monika to take a step forward and change their dynamic. It seemed that Monika viewed her as more than just a fuck buddy if she extended the invitation to her. An invitation that she was sure only a privileged few could get.
And Lia was beating herself up for turning it down.
She told her that she had a schedule on the same night, and the slight hurt and disappointment in Monika’s face made her want to take it back right then.
But that thought about caring about what the woman felt scared the shit out of her, so she opened up her stupid mouth and made up some excuse about how it would be weird for her to be there when they weren’t even friends.
The change in Monika’s expression was immediate, the sad look turning into something hard and cold. Then she told Lia that she was right and that she understood and left her house seconds later.
It didn’t hit her then that she had truly angered the woman right after she left. It confused her why Monika’s expression turned out that way. Even if Lia didn’t mean it, what she still said was true. They’re barely friends; Monika doesn’t even talk to her outside of what they’re doing, and she doesn’t even follow her back on Instagram (Lia tried not to be bothered by that, and she couldn’t even unfollow her because some fans might notice it and make up some stories about how they don’t like each other).
So why did Lia's statement offend Monika? Why did it hurt Monika’s feelings? She thought feelings were out of the question in this type of arrangement.
It made her question their whole relationship then and the do’s and do n’ts for this. It was the reason she had been spiraling for the past week. She kept thinking about what they truly meant to each other and why Monika left like that.
But thinking about it made her afraid that things would change between them. It's like they’d go back to having a normal friendship instead of the intimate relationship they have right now.
It was a little twisted of her to think that way, and she should unpack that at some point.
But she had felt strange and bothered by that interaction all throughout the week, and she couldn’t even function properly. She was distracted more than usual, and she would often space out, replaying what happened that night in her mind.
And now, as she was getting her hair and makeup done for the party tonight, all she could think about was that wounded expression on the beautiful woman’s face.
Wait, beautiful ?
Where did that come from?
Indeed, Monika is objectively an attractive person. Lia wouldn’t deny it, and she definitely wouldn’t be having sex with her if she didn’t find her attractive.
But saying that she’s beautiful was different from saying that she’s “hot” or something equally vulgar.
And the fact that she couldn’t get that face out of her mind for the past week and the way it drove her mad that she intentionally hurt her? It was something that she shouldn’t be doing.
Lia shouldn’t be getting soft on Monika. She was way past being sentimental toward her. She should only be thinking of ways to make her writhe in bed. Wait, she shouldn’t be thinking about that either. She shouldn’t continuously think about whether she had hurt her or not. She shouldn’t feel disappointed that Monika hadn’t talked to or seen her all week. She shouldn’t be missing her.
And she definitely shouldn’t be having some feelings towards her.
Fuck.
It was probably a little too late for that.
That realization hit her like a truck, and she froze, not knowing what to do.
She panicked first, of course, because she thought she wouldn’t have this when she started this with Monika. Feelings were complicated. They could make things messy, painful, and draining.
But then she thought of how Monika would sometimes smile lazily after Lia made her come or when they would sometimes laugh when they’d try an awkward position. Or when Lia would accidentally fall asleep in Monika’s arms, their legs tangled together. Those moments somehow made Lia’s insides warm and tingly, but she tried to shove it deep down and didn’t try to make a big deal out of it.
She didn’t want to get used to that feeling, and she didn’t want to end up hoping for something more—hoping for something that could potentially make both of them happy.
Or bring them to ruins. Yes, it was definitely a bad idea.
Then, a sudden image of Monika in the arms of another person—a person who wasn’t her—came to Lia's mind. It made her unreasonably irritated and sad enough for her to make a resolution. She straightened up in her seat, a plan forming in her mind.
A few hours later, Partimu, the event that Harimu hosted, was finally over. She didn’t even try to come to the after-party because she didn’t want to be late for what she was about to do and where she was about to go.
It was already after midnight, and it would have been late anyway, but Lia had to do this now.
She had already suffered for the whole week, and she didn’t want to continue this suffering unless she did it.
She couldn’t wait any longer for it.
She couldn’t wait to tell Monika what she feels.
It wasn’t love yet; she was sure of it. But if she were given the chance, Lia could potentially feel that way about her in the future. A smile blooms on her face at the thought of a future where they’re together and in love.
Oh, she was definitely a goner.
When she finally reached Monika’s apartment, a place she had visited only once when Lip J was working abroad, nerves suddenly took over her. It made her second-guess her decision, and she almost got back in her car and drove away, never to look back.
But as she looked at the huge bouquet of red roses she carried in her arms, she knew she should push through with it. It was now or never.
With a huge exhale, she dialed Monika’s number and called her. She didn’t want to ring her buzzer because she didn’t want to risk waking her roommate up. Lia didn’t know if Lip J also knew about their situation, but she’d rather keep this between her and Monika, at least for now.
Her thoughts got cut off when she finally heard the woman’s groggy voice on the other line. She should probably feel sorry about waking her up, but she was too wired and nervous to think about anything else.
And God knows how much they were due for a talk.
“Hyerang-unnie? Isn’t it too late for a booty call?”
Lia couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle, her nerves fading away for a second. At least she didn’t sound mad anymore.
“No, uhm, I’m outside your apartment. Could you open the door?” Lia said as calmly as possible, not trying to let her voice tremble.
“Oh,” Monika’s voice suddenly turned slightly serious, “Why?”
“We need to talk.”
Lia waited with bated breath as she heard the line go silent. The only thing that indicated Monika didn’t end the call was the soft breathing from the other line.
After a few seconds, Lia finally heard her exhale.
“Okay.”
Then, the gate automatically unlocked, which Lia immediately opened further and went inside the building. She took the lift so it was faster, and when she was finally standing outside Monika’s door, she knocked.
It took a moment before it opened, but when it did, Lia’s heart pounded faster than before, and she was finally face to face with the woman who had filled her thoughts for the past few days. The younger woman was wearing her matching pjs, her bare face glowing. She would even dare say that Monika looked adorable and younger than her years.
It was widely different from the Monika that she had known recently. Even when they were stripped naked in bed, the woman had never looked this soft and raw.
Lia realized that she wanted to see this side of her more often.
“What’s that?” Monika asked, pointing at the flowers in her arms.
“It’s for you.” Lia simply answered and stretched her hands, handing the bouquet to the dumbfounded woman.
“What is this for?” Monika’s voice was filled with suspicion, “We don’t normally do this kind of thing.”
Lia just shrugged her shoulders, looking like a cool and calm person even though she felt nothing like it on the inside.
“I know.” Lia waited until she got Monika’s full attention because what she would say next could make or break whatever they had right now. When their eyes met, she took a huge breath and continued, “But… I want to start doing this “kind of thing” from now on. If you’d let me.” She smiled sincerely, hoping she got the message across.
She saw Monika’s brows furrow at that, like she was trying to make sense of what she had just heard. Then, Lia saw the exact moment Monika finally got what she was trying to imply as she saw the younger’s eyes widen.
“What are you trying to say?” Monika said, almost in an astonished whisper.
Lia was about to explain further when she realized they were still standing in the doorway, and she still hadn't stepped inside the apartment.
“Can we talk inside?” Lia asked, chuckling a bit.
“Uh, yeah, sure, come in.” Monika gestured for her to go inside, so she stepped in and walked slowly and quietly until she reached the open doorway of Monika’s room. She couldn’t help but blush at the reminder of what they did inside that room. It was the first time they had tried involving some toys then, and Lia was surprised at the knowledge Monika had of it. She also remembered being a little annoyed when she thought of how Monika could’ve also used it on other people she had casual sex with.
Lia actually didn’t know if Monika was the type to dabble in this situation frequently, but she had been doing so well for it to be the woman’s first time.
She almost jumped when Monika walked past her and into the room she was just gazing at, then looked at the woman already inside.
“Let’s talk here. Hyowon could hear us if we talked in the living room.”
Lia immediately followed suit, closing the door as she went inside the small room.
They both sat on the bed, and Lia could feel the awkwardness and tension in the air as they sat almost a foot apart.
She tried to break it by trying to continue their conversation, “As I was saying earlier, I want to talk about us and this dance that we have been doing for the past few months.”
Then Monika chuckled deeply, and Lia turned to stare at her, “I thought you’d never bring this up.” That statement actually surprised Lia.
“What?” She was taken aback, to say the least.
“I didn’t say anything because I thought that’s what you wanted. You had never been the type to talk about complicated stuff.” Monika said confidently, as though she was right about that fact about Lia.
She was right, but it still made her slightly defensive.
“You didn’t exactly try to talk about it, either, so I thought that it was what you wanted, ” Lia retorted. So, was there a huge misunderstanding the whole time? All because they didn’t try to communicate at all?
She wanted to laugh at their stubborn ass.
“Anyway, what I really want to say is… I want us to start over. I want to do this right.” Lia finally confessed. It was like a huge burden had been lifted off her, finally making her breathe properly.
It would be an understatement to say that she was scared of what Monika would think about it. It was the first time she had taken the initiative to put herself out there, and she hoped it would end up going well.
It felt like an eternity had passed as she waited for Monika’s response. It didn’t help that the woman’s face suddenly became unreadable, and she stared at Lia with expressionless eyes.
Lia almost took it back and had half a mind to say to forget about it when she started to see the growing smile on the younger woman’s mouth. She didn’t want to get ahead of herself, so she calmed herself and waited patiently for Monika to say something.
“Well, the flowers and the surprise late-night visit were definitely a great start, if I do say so myself,” Monika said, smirking at her.
Give it to Monika, not to give her a proper answer. She wanted to be annoyed, but she couldn’t help the giddy feeling that she was starting to feel at the implication that Monika was agreeing to be on the same page as hers.
“I’m glad you appreciated it.” Lia smirked back until she remembered their conversation last week, and the guilt returned, “I also wanted to apologize for what I said last week. I didn’t mean to offend you or something.” Lia said, her voice apologetic.
Monika sighed at that, “No, everything you said was right. It just made me, I don’t know, a little hurt that it was right. We weren’t really friends. I guess it made me so frustrated that I was getting hurt over it and made me reevaluate what I truly wanted to have with you. That’s why I haven’t responded to you or tried to meet up with you because my mind was a mess.”
She couldn’t believe it. They’ve been having the same dilemma for the past week.
However, Lia was glad Monika wasn’t ignoring her because she was mad at her. No, it was because—
“Not just my mind, actually. But… I think my feelings were a mess as well.”
And Lia couldn’t help but truly laugh at that. She laughed and laughed, and seeing the bewildered face of the woman in front of her made her lose it even more. She laughed until she got Monika laughing with her. It took almost five minutes until Lia’s laughter died, finally sobering up.
“We’re so bad at this friends-with-benefits stuff.” Lia finally explained, wiping the tears of joy that had escaped her earlier.
“Is that what you have been calling it? I thought we weren’t friends.” Monika said, but it was full of mirth like it was now something they were making fun of.
“Oh, my bad.” Lia giggled, “I was actually calling it an acquaintance-with-benefits, but I don’t know if that’s a thing.”
Monika chuckled, “So, what do you think we should call it now?”
It was a simple question but a fairly loaded one. It was a question that held what they would try to have after this and how they should move forward.
It's a good thing Lia already had a plan in mind.
“I’m not really fond of labels.” She answered, “But I do know what I want to do with you.”
Monika looked intrigued as Lia saw her raise an eyebrow. She even saw her smirk as if implying that Lia would say something suggestive.
She hit her lightly on the arm at that.
“Not that, you perv.”
“Ow.”
Lia sighed, but it was because she couldn’t contain her happiness right now.
So she finally said what she had come here to say.
Something that would change the course of their relationship forever.
Who knew reconnecting with Monika after all those years would lead to something like this?
Lia found it unbelievable, but she wasn’t going to complain.
“I want to take you on a date.”