Work Text:
High Infidelity, Taylor Swift - 3:51
Do you really want to know where I was April 29th?
Do I really have to chart the constellations in his eyes?
You know there's many different ways that you can kill the one you love
The slowest way is never loving them enough
When you feel the first rift in a relationship you don’t act on it. Most of us try to ignore it, others try to mend it while calling their loved ones to see if it’s all in their head. Sometimes it could be just a fluke, a forgotten detail such as not flowers on the anniversary but a card picked up at the corner pharmacy last minute. The first time is typically accompanied by many more rifts coming in waves until you’re face to face with a stranger you’ve given so much of yourself to.
Eddie doesn’t know how the rift got so wide. He thought he’d done well in putting down his mental barriers around Buck, but these days it seems like Buck has a fence around him. He can feel the resentment building on both sides and he doesn’t know how to fix it. He doesn’t know what to do. Eddie has tried his best in maneuvering around Buck but it’s all killing him. He still loves him, but how far does it go when both of you are drowning in an everyday love?
Eddie thinks all of this to himself while he nurses his beer bottle. It was a hard day. Someone was lost on a shift and he fumbled trying to give his best advice to Chris about a girl he liked. Buck is always better at that than him. With all of the jumbled feelings of his dying relationship he’s trying his best to self medicate through it. He figures a dingy dive bar a few blocks over from the fire station after a bad day could be his therapists office and the stool at the bar is the lounge chair.
His thoughts are broken by a glass of whisky placed in front of him. He furrows his brows.
“I didn’t order this.” He doesn’t even like dark liquor. The bartender gives him a tight smile and points to left, behind him. His gaze meets a gentleman holding up a glass similar to his. Eddie tries to hide the bewilderment in his face. He’s caught between sending it back and ignoring it or going over and letting him down gently. Surely this man is mistaken.
He goes for the latter. He may be a runner, but he’s certainly not a coward. He makes his way over to the stranger’s table and sets the glass down in front of him.
“While I appreciate the offer, unfortunately I must decline.” Eddie laughs lightly, gesturing to the glass. Across from him this stranger only offers a small smile.
“Seemed down in the dumps. Thought you could use a pick me up.” He looks at Eddie and smiles. While Eddie is in a committed (dying) relationship, he still has eyes. He’s handsome. A square jaw and big muscles, maybe a little older than Eddie. And he smells good. Like earthy woods with a hint of honey.
“You’d be correct on that one, but it’s not really my idea of a pick me up.”
“Oh? Then tell me what is.” He leans in a little closer to Eddie.
Eddie takes a second. He’s playing a dangerous game here. But what does he have to lose when it feels like everything else is lost?
“A margarita. No scratch that, straight tequila. It’s a different kind of buzz.” He decides to sit down across from the stranger. Before he knows it, his new found friend is sending back the whisky and ordering them shots of tequila.
“And who do I have to thank for trying to pick me up?” Eddie rests his face against his hand, hoping he gets what he’s trying to say. Hopefully he’s still got it.
“Tommy.” Ah, a name to the face. He smiles at Eddie and lowers his gaze. He’s picked up on what Eddie tried to convey. He’s definitely still got it. “So, tell me. What’s got you moping over a bar counter.”
“Ugh. You don’t even want to know.” Eddie rubs his eyes.
“C’mon, it’s the least you could do after getting you a couple of drinks. I see no ring so definitely not marital issues.” Tommy lets out a small laugh.
“Well, you’d be right on that.” Eddie looks up at him. He can get away with half truths, for now. “Bad day at work, some family stuff. Why else do you try and drown your sorrows?”
“True, true. I’ll give you that much.” Before Tommy can get anything else out the waitress is bringing over their shots. Both of them thank her before downing them. The liquor burns the back of the Eddie’s throat and the taste reminds him that he’s still alive.
They both stick out their tongues and make various noises of ugh and blegh.
“Really? Straight tequila? No lime or salt?” Tommy’s face is still scrunched and he’s moving his tongue around his mouth.
“Hits the veins quicker.” Eddie shrugs and places one hand down in front of him, the other over crossed over his chest. He sees Tommy look down at his hand but it’s quicker than he can register.
Tommy’s hand is over his. His touch is warm. He hasn’t felt a warm touch like this in a while. It makes his stomach do a flip, but not in the bad way. In the back of his mind he knows he should’ve sent back the drink. Gone home to his house. However, he dies a little inside every time he does. Is it so bad to want to live a little?
“You know… pick me ups come in all different shapes and sizes.” Tommy says to him. His smile is dark, his eyes wanting. He traces shapes over the top of Eddie’s hand. Eddie has a couple drinks in him to let his inhibitions loose and ignore the voices of reason in the back of his mind.
“Yeah? Why don’t you show me?” He smiles back. The words are out before he can stop himself.
The next thing he knows they’re in the back of Tommy’s car making out. The touch is desperate, wanting. Eddie feels like he’s on fire every time Tommy slides a hand under his shirt to get a better grab at his skin. He does his best to stifle his sighs and his moans but the car windows are getting foggier and the rest of the world is fading as he finds himself lost in the moment.
———————————
He wouldn’t say it’s fair to Buck. To their son. Or even to himself. However, he makes up every excuse in the book. I needed more. Buck is closed off. We stopped having sex three months ago. In his mind he knows that it wasn’t the best way to go about it, especially since both they could see the end and both of them were waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Lately, Buck has gotten more distant. Eddie doesn’t know what happened. If it were three weeks ago before Tommy had sent him the drink he might be more invested but Buck hasn’t offered him an olive branch to his own dealings. He can’t explain it but the rift is growing and growing and growing and it feels like they’re both standing on opposite ends of the ocean communicating through messages in a bottle.
Neither of them are trying and it feels like Buck’s fences have turned into barbed wire and Eddie grew tired of dancing around it. It grew to be exhausting and instead of calling it quits, he loses himself in Tommy. It’s a rotten choice and a coward’s way of an exit plan. Eddie doesn’t have one when it comes to the set of circumstances they’ve found themselves in and from where he stands it only adds to the pile mess. The pile gets so big that he lets it drag on farther than he anticipated.
Three weeks.
Three weeks isn’t very long, but it’s long enough to keep count of every stolen glance, every turned down phone, and every time Eddie thinks he’s been caught. There’s one instance where he was messy, and he does his best to back pedal.
“Hey, where were you Wednesday night?” Buck breaks the silence in the living room. The air is thick with tension, as it is most days now. Eddie finally looks up from his phone and feels like a deer caught in headlights. He feels like it’s plastered on his face that he was under Tommy’s sheets.
“Uh, Wednesday?” Eddie pretends to try and think.
“Yeah. I got off a shift around 7. I tried to call you a few times but you didn’t answer.” Buck’s voice carries concern, not speculation. Eddie weighs it carefully.
“Pepa’s. Chris wanted to see her and she got a promotion at work.” He lies through his teeth and shrugs. Buck purses his lips and looks down.
“Well, tell her I said congratulations,” he says with the click of his tongue.
“She’ll appreciate it.” Eddie’s small smile is tight.
There’s a beat.
“I’ve got a shift, you’ll be home later?” Buck goes to pick up his duffel bag sitting by the front door.
“Yeah. Call me after,” Eddie goes to bid him farewell with a kiss on the cheek.
“I will, love you.” Buck says before heading out.
“Love you too.” Eddie replies. For split second they share a look. Eddie believes it, they do love each other. But do they still like each other? He can’t finish the thought because Buck is heading out the door and before he knows it he’s calling Tommy.
Twenty minutes later and they’re all over each other in Tommy’s apartment. Clothes thrown about, Eddie on his back and Tommy’s hands in his hair. Behind the scenes, Eddie has everything he could want: a partner, a kid, and the white picket fence. Last spring they tried to grow a garden but it proved unfruitful. He’s not lost on the irony. He hasn’t felt loved by Buck these past couple of months, and it felt like his insides were growing dark and brittle, just like the roots of their failed plant boxes. The rift is only growing and Eddie isn’t doing anything to stop it.
———————————
He got sloppy. He knows he did. He knew it was only a matter of time until he was caught, he just didn’t know when.
It all came crashing down when he forgot to discard a shirt of Tommy’s from his bedroom. They never did anything there, it was too close to Christopher, and too close to Buck. But Eddie needed a new shirt after brief stint earlier that week.
He walks into the front door after a long shift. It was another hard day but he needs to be here today, instead of on the other end of a bottle. He’s met with Buck sitting at the kitchen table and his hands folded neatly in front of him. The forgotten shirt folded in the same manner in front of Buck. Eddie is behind him and he can’t see the expression across his face.
Eddie’s breath leaves his body. The shirt obviously belongs to neither of them, with Tommy’s last name spelled in big letters across the back. It feels like all the air is sucked out of the room and a million years before either one of them speak.
“Whose is it?” Buck finally says. His voice is quiet and wet. Like he’d been crying.
“Buck-“ Eddie tries to get out. Buck stands and looks up at him. His face is red and his eyes are teary.
“Whose?!” Buck yells. He’s angry, hurt, knowing.
Eddie doesn’t know what to do or what to say. All that comes out is the tiniest “I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry? You’re sorry?!” Buck is still yelling and flailing his hands. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “You know, I had my suspicions. The missed phone calls, the ‘extra Muay Thai classes’.” He puts air quotes around the last part.
“I didn’t know you were keeping count.” Eddie swallows and looks down at the floor. He crosses his arms and leans back against the doorframe.
“That’s what you have to say?”
“You wouldn’t talk to me. You’ve been closed off, Buck. I tried hard to keep us from that, but nothing was working. What was I supposed to do?” Eddie puts his hands up in surrender and looks up at Buck. He feels small, but he doesn’t necessarily feel ashamed.
“You were supposed to talk to me.” Buck huffs.
“I tried! Are you even listening to me?” Eddie is growing agitated. His voice goes from small to annoyed very quickly.
“You’d didn’t try hard enough.” Buck’s voice is filled with venom. He’s hurt and angry with it written all over his face. Eddie doesn’t actually blame him. He knows he’s caused enough damage and trying to place the blame elsewhere won’t fix his trail of upheaval.
“That’s the thing with you.” Eddie takes a step toward Buck. “You hear me speak, but you don’t actually listen. I try to put my best foot forward for us but you won’t take it with me!”
Buck’s eyes grow wide and there are tears strolling down his face. Eddie can see the flush starting to grow from his neck to his face.
“You call this your best?” Buck is shouting now. Eddie flinches under his verbal daggers but he doesn’t respond. He can’t verbalize to Buck how he tried and gave up once he realized that there wasn’t much left here for them.
Buck looks back down at the shirt. “Who is he?” Eddie doesn’t answer. “Were you really at Pepa’s two weeks ago?”
Tears stream down Eddie’s face. He knew the end was in sight, but not that it looked like this.
“Do you really want to know?”
“I think I’m owed that much.” Buck wipes his eyes and crosses his arms across from Eddie.
He takes a deep breath. “No. I wasn’t. His name doesn’t matter, but once we started I couldn’t stop.” Eddie realizes the weight of his words the moment he looks up at Buck. His jaw is slack and he’s putting all of the pieces together.
“Once you started?” Buck tilts his head. His voice is rough.
“It was a little more than a month ago. I had a rough shift. You were gone. Christopher was at Abuela’s. Went to the bar to pick myself up.”
“Seems like someone else did that.” Buck shakes his head and looks down. He wipes his eyes again. He starts to laugh, but it’s cold and distant. “How could you? You reeled me into your life. You put me in your will. You said that there was no one you trusted more with him!” Buck is shouting again and pointing his finger at Eddie.
“That’s still true.” Eddie’s voice is desperate. “B-but you weren’t there for me! I needed you just as bad. You put up all these walls that weren’t there before-“
“Then talk to me!”
“I tried! How many times do I have to say it?” Eddie is shouting now too. “I tried so hard but you wouldn’t listen. It felt like you stopped loving me. Like you only stayed for Christopher’s sake. But it wasn’t enough, Evan. I needed you and it felt like you were a million miles away. I needed a partner.”
Buck looks down and laughs again. He’s crying and his face is scrunched. He wipes his nose with his hand and then throws it up in defeat. Eddie looks at him and realizes there was no mending the rift. It grew until they both had to walk away from the edge so they didn’t fall into the despair that both of them knew too well before.
“So much for having each other’s back.”