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Hi, Jim.”
“Naomi.” The fact that Jim’s voice was flat and emotionless should have warned Naomi off. It didn’t.
“Can we talk?”
Inwardly Jim groaned. He’d struggled up the stairs to the roof with his walking stick, to try and make some sense of the recent events, leaving mom and son quietly talking downstairs.
“Blair...” he began.
Naomi smiled. “… Is out like a light. The emotional turmoil of the last week has finally got to him.” She hesitated. “He loves you so much, you know.” She gave a half hearted chuckle. “I should be jealous.”
Jim hung his head. “I know he loves me.” Jim stood up straight. “And I don’t deserve it.”
Naomi frowned. “Why would you say that? Everyone deserves to be loved…You love him too?”
Jim put his hands on the wall of the balcony and stared off towards his city. “I don’t think Blair knows how much I love him, how much I need him. I’ve never told him, something always gets in the way. He’s so much more... I can’t even begin to describe Blair, he’s just… remarkable.”
Naomi put her hand on his shoulder. “Blair has always had this amazing ability to love and forgive. No matter what people throw at him, he’s always forgiven them.”
Jim shook his head. “I turned to him for help when my senses were out of control. I trusted him to help me even when the things he came up with seemed off the wall to me. I still went with it, and the things Blair showed me worked. But, when I should have trusted him, when it really came down to the crunch, I let him down. I didn’t trust him. I let us down.” He turned towards Naomi, needing her to understand.
She had her head to one side, as though listening, but Jim had a feeling she really didn’t get it.
“I hear you, Jim.”
*No, you don't*, he thought. He turned back to the wall, gripping it till his fingers hurt.
“He taught me to read people, to notice their ‘tells’, if they were telling me the truth, but I never read him. It felt too personal to do that. I knew Blair doesn’t lie. Oh he stretches the truth, but downright lying? I don’t think he’s ever really lied to me. And how do I reward him? I push him away to protect myself against the one person who always tried his best to protect me! If I had just taken the time to learn what makes him tick, none of this needed to happen.” He forced his hands from the wall and flexed his fingers.
“Why haven’t you told him any of this?”
“For one thing, he’s a guy.”
She looked at him blankly.
“And if it’s escaped your notice, so am I.”
“And guys don’t talk about their feelings?”
“Straight guys don’t talk about how much they love one another – unless they are drunk.”
Suddenly the blankness disappeared and she laughed. “Oh Jim, Blair isn’t straight and I’m guessing neither are you, not completely! My son has been having relations with men and women since he was legal! In fact, I’m not all that sure he waited!” She paused. “But you won’t want to hear about that.”
Jim closed his open mouth. “Then maybe he just doesn’t find me attractive?”
Naomi threw her hands up. “What is it about you two that you only talk about sport or crime! Of course he finds you attractive. It’s as plain as the nose on his sweet face! If you read him, however you do that, you would know he loves you.”
Jim half turned to face her, a frown on his face as he tried to take it all in. “You know that you’ve hurt him too?”
She dropped her hand. “We talked. There’s so much I didn’t know about my son. I so often think I know best.” She sighed. “I charged in with the best of intentions, truly believing I knew better than anyone else… and this time I nearly destroyed you both.”
Jim clamped his mouth shut.
Naomi didn’t seem to notice. “To tell you the truth, Jim, I always have been a bit of a rebel, protesting this, demonstrating against this, but my folks thought I’d get it out of my system and so they gave me a lot of rope. Looking back, I was so young when I discovered I was pregnant, immature and naive. I was shared shitless of what my folks would say, so I told them I wanted a gap year, just traveling. I wasn’t showing then, and they agreed. Oh, it took a bit of persuading, but they were quite radical in many ways, and they gave me an allowance which I had to collect from certain banks where ever I went. And the early stages of my pregnancy were good. My hair shone, any spots on my face cleared up. I had no serious morning sickness problems. I felt truly blessed.”
She looked to see if Jim was listening. Satisfied that he was, she continued. “When I got too large to travel, I came back to the States and stayed in an ashram. Remember, this was the late ‘60s. I saw myself as an Earth Mother type. No pain killers for me, purely a natural birth as nature intended. Boy was I in for a shock! I was too small and the labor had complications. I had no choice but to go into hospital. They say that women forget the pain of labor, well I never did. I was in labor for so long and Blair was in a breech position so he had to be turned and they thought they would have to do a cesarean, something I really didn’t want.…”
Jim wished he was elsewhere or could just force a zone out. The last thing he wanted was to hear about what Blair’s mom went through during labor, but she seemed determine to share, and there was a part of him that wanted to listen, to hear about anything about Blair.
“When Blair was born, I didn’t want him,” Naomi said. “This baby had caused me so much misery; my body felt, I don’t know, abused. Then I discovered I would never be able to have any more children. I just didn’t want anything to do with him.”
She laughed. “Hard to believe now, right? They wanted me to give him up for adoption. The hospital was hot on mom’s breast feeding their babies. I wouldn’t even look at him. Anyway, late at night, this nurse came in. She said, ‘It seems to me, Missy’ – yes, she called me ‘Missy’ – ‘that you and he are both misfits, alone in the world and you both have needs. He needs someone and that someone he needs right now is you. And I’m thinking you need him. How about you give him a chance? Soon someone is going to come and take your son away and you will lose that change of getting to know him. Give both of you a chance to get to know one another, just hold him, just this one time.’ I was tired and gave in. Once they gave him to me, and I looked into those so serious, knowing blue eyes, I knew I couldn’t give him up. He was just so… perfect. I told him that it was going to be just him and me against the world.
“When I came out of the hospital, I found I couldn’t stay at the ashram. I had to work, some of it was physical, and carry Blair around with me so I could feed him. It was just too tiring, so I went back to my parents. The look on their faces when this long haired, dirty, hippy child turned up, smelling of baby sick and patchouli, with a baby in a sling wrapped around her!” Naomi grinned. “Not the sweet little girl they had waved off five months before! However, they surprised me. They took us in so I could recover.
“I stayed for a while, but then I started to feel stifled and restless. I would go out with friends for the odd day or night, and then that odd day became two days, and then three days. I always came back, but I’d leave my parents to take care of my baby. Finally they gave me an ultimatum. Either I knuckled down and looked after my child, or I leave him with them permanently. I chose to leave – with Blair. I’d go back now and then, but over time, less and less.”
Naomi moved away and Jim heard one of the chairs he and Blair had brought up to the roof, scrape on the gravel. He turned.
The sun, as if by prior arrangement, bounced it’s reflection off the windows of the building opposite and settled on Naomi sitting on the chair, giving her her own spot-light. Not that she noticed. She gazed ahead, unseeing, lost in her own past.
“Mom died, and papa went into a care home. I went back to see him, but I always left Blair someplace else. Papa, his mind had gone, and I didn’t want either of them upset. I doubt if Blair even remembers his grandparents. He’s never mentioned them to me.”
Jim still didn’t say anything. Blair seldom mentioned his life before uni, and the little nuggets he told Jim were as precious as diamonds to Jim. Blair had mentioned his family, his cousin, his uncle… but Jim was never sure if they were blood related, or Naomi’s ‘friends’.
“What about Blair’s father? Did you see him again?”
“No. It wasn’t his fault, we both got carried away. I did take my baby to the gates of his parent’s house once. They had a guard dog that came running to the gates. I was scared. Someone whistled to it, and I chickened out and left. Blair’s father was sent to some God awful war the States should never have become involved in, and that was that.” She studied Jim intently. “You remind me of him sometimes. You both had, have, this strong sense of right and wrong. He never got to grow older than his 20s, thanks to that stupid war.
“I did take a photo of Blair around to his parents one time. They thought I wanted money and showed me the door. They couldn’t argue that Blair was his son, though; same eyes, same shape of face, same mouth…”
She sat forward and gazed at Jim intently. “Have you ever wondered how Blair’s been able to pay for some of his schooling? I mean, he’s very bright, and thinks the money comes from an allowance I put in his name as well as the scholarship he earned. The truth is Blair’s father’s parents changed their minds when their son died. I don’t know why but they got in contact with me and asked if I would mind them sponsoring Blair through college? Of course I told them I didn’t mind, with one proviso that they never tried to influence my son. They agreed as long as he never turned up asking for more money.”
She sat back. “It worked for all of us, win win. Until Blair went to university, he and I got to see the world. We traveled everywhere, India, Tibet, Africa, South America... you name it, we got there.”
She sighed. “One day I realized that I’d been one of a pair all the time. I was Blair’s mom first, and Naomi second. I felt I’d lost myself, that Naomi had become invisible. Like I didn’t know where Blair finished and I started. I needed to find out who Naomi was.”
“And did you?”
She looked up. “What?”
“Did you find out who you were, are?”
She opened and closed her mouth. “You know, I don’t think anyone’s ever asked me that! I thought I had many times, but I was always fitting in with other people.”
Jim looked at her, gently. “I think people change, circumstances change who you were. You’re not the same person you were yesterday, or the person you might be tomorrow. And that’s a good thing. People aren’t meant to stay in one state of being. The best we can hope for is to grow, I don’t know, better, and perhaps, if we are lucky, find someone to grow with.”
“Wow! Jim Ellison, I never expected you to be so... spiritual!”
Jim shrugged. “Must be Blair’s influence.”
Naomi smiled. “He is remarkable, isn’t he.”
“Yes, yes he is.”
“I remember we were at a temple in India. I wanted to go on a meditation in another district, but the organizers wouldn’t allow children, so I left Blair with the monks at the temple. He was reading this Sanskrit book in the library with one of the monks. He barely looked up as I told him I was going! And when I came back, he’d learn the entire book off by heart! It was as though he didn’t even noticed I was gone!”
Jim shook his head, sadly. “Oh, he knew, Naomi. He remembered that trip. He told me all about it just recently.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Blair doesn’t often get drunk, but when he does, he either goes quiet or talks too much. This particular time, he was talkative. He told me about the temple in India when he was young. He told me about you leaving. He said he’d sit on the steps of the temple every day, watching for a bus or a car to bring you back. The monks would come and try to take him in, but he refused. One of the monks told him that you would be back for him, and do you know what he said?”
She shook her head.
“What if this time she doesn’t? What if this time she forgets?”
Only a sentinel could see the color drain from Naomi’s face now that the sun had moved on.
She stood up, causing the chair to rock backwards. “But that was just the drink talking….”
“In wine is truth,” Jim said, quietly. “Blair never likes hurting the people he loves, even if it’s unintentionally. He’ll go out of his way to avoid it, he’ll even lie to save someone pain. If it was just the drink, I would have known.”
She shook her head more violently. “I always came back. He knew I always would… He would have said something… I would have known, a mother knows her child.” She stopped. “You think I’m a selfish, poor example of a mother,” her voice rose, “don’t you, abandoning my son to people he didn’t know!”
Jim shook his head, vigorously. “No, no, I don’t think that. I think you needed something you couldn’t find, but your behavior forced Blair to grow up fast and be independent. He never got to be a child for very long, and I think that that is kind a sad.”
Naomi frowned. “If you are right, then it is sad. I never felt he lost out on a childhood, he saw so much.” She paused, her frown deepening. “Maybe too much.”
She looked up at Jim. “I said he loves you, Jim, and I can see why. You aren’t afraid to speak up, to state what you think, but not callously. Oh, I know I’ve not been around to see Blair in different relationships,” she waved her hands around in what to Jim, was a very familiar gestured. “Though he does sometimes mention people, but you, you are in his letters and phone calls all the time. I can see love in his eyes when he looks at you. There’s a softness there, a sweetness. And yes, there’s sadness too, but also a longing, a deep longing for something special. When you are together, your auras merge and flow together. It’s beautiful.”
“Naomi.”
Both Naomi and Jim spun around to see Blair by the stairwell. Jim realized he hadn’t heard his friend come up, so intensely had he been paying attention to Naomi. Now he focused on Blair, really focused, hearing his heart beat, noticing the anxiety and something else, love? Was Naomi right?
“Blair!” Naomi put her hand to her mouth. “Oh Sweetie! I’ve been interfering again, haven’t I? I’m so sorry. Old habits die hard. I will do better. I promise…”
She looked between the two men, realizing that neither was now listening to her, their eyes locked on one another.
“I must go and do… something down stairs.”
Blair caught her hand as she passed. “You won’t do a disappearing act, will you, Mom?” he asked, seriously.
“No,” she smiled. “I won’t disappear, not this time.”
As Naomi went down the stairs, Blair walked over and stood by Jim. Both looked out on their city.
Blair was the first to speak. “I’m sorry.”
Jim looked at him. “For what? For your mom? If it’s that, don’t be. She said she’s going to change.”
Blair scoffed. “If I had a nickel for every time she’s said that…” He looked down at the brick wall containing them. “That sounded mean, and she doesn’t deserve it. She’s just so… exasperating at times!”
Jim chuckled. “I think both of our parents are that.”
Blair looked at his friend. “I’m surprised you are so forgiving of her.”
“I think I understand her a bit more now.”
Blair’s eyes widened. “Wow!”
“She said I was spiritual,” Jim said, smugly.
“Just what were you talking about and for how long?”
“Worried we were talking about you, Chief?”
“Should I be?”
Jim just laughed.
“About what she said,” Blair began, uncertainly, turning away from Jim, and chipping away at the brickwork, “that I love you…”
“And the rest.”
“Yeah, well, Naomi goes in for a lot of new age stuff, you know sage… auras that sort of thing. She gets these crazy ideas in her head sometimes.”
Jim was still smiling but he shook his head. He could sense the uncertainly coming off Blair in waves, but there was also the sense of Blair’s pheromones, of desire, in that mix. “You know, Blair, for an observer, you are not very observant.” Jim turned towards Blair, tucking a stray curl away from Blair’s face. Jim saw the wonder bloom in Blair’s eyes as he realized what might be going on.
“Really?” Blair’s voice was low and husky. “You going to show me what I’ve been missing?”
“Oh yeah.” Jim slid his hand around Blair’s neck and pulled him forward, and Blair went willingly.
When they separated from their first kiss, Blair licked his lips. “You were right,” he said. “I had missed the signs. I just didn’t realize you felt the same.” He grinned. “I’m pretty sure there are other things I’ve maybe also missed.”
Jim’s grin widened. “And I’m pretty sure we can find them together, if you’re willing, Chief?”
“I am so there, my man.” And Blair pulled Jim in for another kiss.
When they separated this time, Blair leaned up against Jim.
“Where we going with this, Jim?” he asked, softly, looking up at Jim’s face.
Jim brushed a kiss against Blair’s forehead. “As far as you want, babe, at your pace.”
Blair stood back a little. “Jim, I admitted fraud to a wide TV audience, I will have to empty my… your desk at work, not to mention my access at Rainer will be revoked. I’ll have to have the security guard and one of the professors with me when I collect my things from there. Life is going to get complicated for a while.”
“When have we not had complications? That’s part of who we are. And you are not a fraud!”
“You and I know that, but everyone else heard or saw the broadcast. Because of me, you, Megan and Simon got shot! You could have been killed! The team at Major Crime won’t want me around.”
“They know you, Blair.”
“Maybe the core of Major Crime do, but the others in the station…”
“You are my guide and partner. I need you there.”
“I can train Megan up…”
Jim was viciously shaking his head. “She’s as much a lone wolf as I am. We would end up killing each other with a week.”
“Joel then.”
“Blair,” Jim put his hands on Blair’s arms. “I’ve tried to work without you before, remember? It all goes wrong. If you leave, then I’m going too.”
“You can’t! It’s your vocation!”
“Then I’ll turn my senses off!”
“Jim!”
“I can’t… I won’t do this without you, Blair. You have a clean slate. We can do anything, start over again. Please don’t rush into anything.”
“Naomi asked me to go with her.”
Jim’s heart missed a beat. “And?”
“I said it would be running away and I’ve never done that. I’m not going to start now.”
“We’ll find a way around this. Just don’t leave me.”
“Oh Jim, don’t you get it even now? I can never leave you.”
“You make that sound like you are caged in.”
“If it is a cage, it’s one I’ve made myself. And it’s a very attractive cage, with you here with me.” He smiled. “But it’s not a cage, not really. We built a castle here, and even when we’ve been under siege, we’ve pulled up the drawbridge and hunkered down. Only now I’ve made a mess of everything.”
“Don’t take the blame for this. Put that where it belongs.”
“Who would that be? Not Naomi? I thought you had made peace with her.”
“No, not Naomi. She should have listened to you and respected your privacy, but I take my fair share of the mess, for not trusting you and not listening. I was scared and I let that over ride any sense I had. No pun intended,” Jim said, with a ghost of a smile.
“Do you know what you were scared of?”
Jim nodded. “Of being labeled a freak. Some lessons die hard.”
Blair sighed. “Sometimes I feel that I’d like to stick your dad in a sensory tank so he can understand what a sensory overload feels like when he comes out.”
“My hero. I guess both our parents have exasperating habits.”
Blair frowned. “You do get that you are not a freak, right?”
“And you are not a fraud.”
“Just a couple of misfits thrown together.”
Jim pulled Blair close. “However, Graham and Edwards… I’d really like them to suffer.”
“You’re not going to do anything, Jim,” Blair warned.
“I’d like to stick our spirit guides on them, but I’m thinking of legal action. Edwards needs to be shown up and kicked out.”
“I’m with you there! That’s one thing I won’t miss, the university politics.”
“And this? You and I?”
Blair put his arms around Jim’s waist and looked up into Jim’s face. “This is the one good thing to come out of it all. Something I never expected. I just want you to know that I’m not going to be your ‘kept man’. I’ll pay my share of the bills, even if I have to take a job at Wonder burgers!”
“Now there’s an idea. We could both work there! Do you think they give out free burgers to their staff?”
“I doubt it! And if you tried to snaff one, I’d slap your hand with a spatula!”
“Oh, pain and pleasure, I may get to like that.”
“Slut!”
“Only for you. So will you move upstairs?”
“Yes, I will. And Naomi will be disappointed if I don’t, but, I’m sorry, but I think sex will have to wait until she’s gone. I really can’t make love to you with my mom listening downstairs. It’s just too… much.”
Jim nodded. “I think your mom cheering us on would be off putting for both of us!”
Blair did a theatrical shudder. “God, thanks for putting that image in my head! No, thank you! There are some things I will not share with mom!”
“Will you at least give things at work a chance to cool down before making plans for our future?”
“Our future, I like the sound of that. Right now, though I can’t see a future outside us. Maybe I’m too close. Maybe I need a break from academia.”
“You’ve given so many years to your study. It’s been a huge part of your life. It’s going to be hard to give it up.”
“I knew that my life would change once I’d finished my dissertation, but I didn’t want to look ahead to what I’d do next in case you didn’t want me around afterwards. I just didn’t know where my place would be afterwards so I didn’t decide.”
“We’ll find a way, Blair.” Jim stroked Blair’s face. “You and me, Sentinel and Shaman of the Great City, and partners in everything.”
“Is that truly what you want?”
Jim nodded. “Yes.” He wrapped his arms around Blair.
Blair smiled, relaxing into Jim’s embrace. “Just you and me, Jim. Just you and me.”
The sun found another window at a different angle and for a moment, the two men were lit up in their own golden glow….