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sometimes, things just don’t make sense. and that’s okay.
like right now. the world simply just doesn’t work in your favor. nothing around you seems to be going your way. even when you try to keep your head up at the beginning of every day, having faith in the world, something always manages to shit on that for you. even your loved ones ruin your day, and they’re who you should be going to. this, of course, is the reason why you stay alone all day. cooped up in the comfort of your own home, your safe space where no one can hurt you. all alone, where no one can hurt you. using up all your vacation days, spending your free time on do not disturb and avoiding civilization. nothing’s better. it almost brings you more comfort to feel this way than to seek out your friends and their company. you love them dearly, you really do, but even they are failing to make you feel better. you doubt they’d want you to hit them up anyway, if the cessation of texts and calls were anything to go by.
truly, they were all you had. being in a friend group with thirteen other people might not seem like you keep your circle small but to you, it’s so normal. it feels small. everyone’s always included. someone’s always looking out for you. everyone is so transparent and good minded. they’re all able to communicate well and share their feelings so comfortably. you feel more at home with them than you ever did with anyone else. they were your home. they made you feel better when no one else could. they made you laugh when no one else could. despite all your ongoing troubles, they still made you smile.
that’s why it’s so saddening and alarming to know that the last time you saw them, you didn’t feel that way. the past few months have been the worst they’ve ever been, and at the start, they made all the bad feelings go away. you spent every minute possible with them, and they truly did make you forget everything. like nothing mattered and it was just you and them. you can’t explain what changed, but after things got worse, you were in so much pain that they couldn’t fix it. not that they were ever aware of how bad you were hurting, because you couldn’t bear the idea of them knowing about any of it.
this feeling is what led to where you are today, or technically where you’ve been for the past two weeks; in your bed, not getting up unless it was to eat your one meal a day or to use the bathroom. your daily agenda consists of waking up, staring at the ceiling, glancing at your phone before locking it away again, and finally, eating melatonin before going to sleep again. it wasn’t ideal but you didn’t want to be anywhere. not at home, not with friends. just some in between. not even that was achievable, and even though you told yourself otherwise, death was not something you wanted. sleeping was the only thing that came close. so, sleep was all you did. all day, laying in the same clothes that you wore to bed a week and a half ago, self isolating.
through the few times that you checked your phone, you were made aware of seokmin, minghao, and jihoon’s attempts to message you. part of you is upset and feels bad for ignoring them, but you really cannot deal with socializing right now. in your group chat, they’ve mentioned you and addressed you multiple times, but after you don’t respond they make jokes about you dropping them. a little wave of anxiety rushed through you because jeonghan had alluded to you feeling unwell and you wanted to curse him for knowing you so well, being such a mind reader, but again you couldn’t. you can’t bring yourself to send a message, pick up the phone, or even look at the screen for any longer than it takes to order food. your heart hurts for your friends. they’re probably thinking about what they could’ve done wrong, and it’s actually your doing. you feel guilty for saying you’re alone and have no one because again, you did that to yourself, but you can’t help it. it hurts to reach out. it’s embarrassing, even. tears start forming on your waterline when you think about it. your friends are all so open with their feelings, and unafraid to be vulnerable. your body shudders as the tears begin to fall. you’ve never been one to cry loudly, and even if you did, who’s there to come help you? it pains you to know that you’re hiding so much pain from your friends who worked so hard to gain your trust. they’ve told you that you can talk to them, but you always say there’s nothing to talk about. you lied. it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done, and now you lay here sobbing, shedding tears you thought you ran out of because you’re such a bad friend. with hands over your face, you allow yourself to sit and cry in silence. you allow yourself to soak in your week old filth, thinking about everything and nothing. you couldn’t even put it all into words if you tried. you’re broken from your trance by cold hands wrapping around your wrists, pulling them away from your face. immediately you pull away, backing up to the far side of the bed.
“it’s okay, it’s just me.” you wipe your eyes and finally focus on who it is once you recognize the voice. jeonghan, in all his glory, is crouching on the floor next to where you were laying.
as soon as you saw his face, the tears came again. you fell forward, curling into a ball, crying into your hands once again. through the tears you manage to let out, “why?”
only silence comes until you feel the bed begin moving and warmth begins covering your back. moving to sit against the headboard, jeonghan pulls you into his lap and just holds you. his band spread across the expanse of your back, gently moving up and down as he held you close.
you didn’t have many tears left to begin with, so they die down quickly and you pull away from his shoulder to look at him. he only smiles, taking his thumb and wiping your tears away before brushing your hair away from your face. the minute long kiss be presses to your forehead says enough but he still chooses to let you know after
“i know you, baby. you can’t hide from me forever.” this time he leans down and kisses your lips.
“i’m sorry, hani. i really am.” you let your head fall back to his chest and fiddle with the hem of your blanket. it hurts too much to look at him right now.
“don’t be. i know it’s hard. that’s why i’m here.” when you stay silent he does too. if it’s possible, you’re sure jeonghan knows you better than yourself.
in moments like these, you’re incredibly thankful for your love’s ability to understand the human mind so well. he can instantly tell when you need him and he never fails to help you just the way you need. he’s just there, keeping you in his arms. he doesn’t push or ask any questions, he just waits for you to be ready to be taken care of.
after a few more minutes you look up at him, sniffing. “is everyone mad at me?”
with a soft smile he shakes his head, using his sweater sleeve to wipe your nose and tears. after realizing what he did he grimaces, but your giggles that come after make it okay. “don’t worry about them, love. right now, let’s just take care of you and then we can talk about everyone else, hm?”
when you nod in response, he slips out from behind you and stands up. “are you okay with showering?” he asks. the way he words the sentence has you melting. he’s again, not pushing, leaving it as an option so he can roll with whatever you choose to do.
you hum, making your way to get up. jeonghan holds a hand out to help you off the bed and lead you to your en suite bathroom. at the doorway he lets you go, but not before pulling you into his arms and pressing a kiss to your temple.
“i love you. you don’t have to tell me anything, but i’ll be here when you come out.” he pulls back, kissing you once on the lips before leaving you to shower.
once you close the bathroom door, a sigh you didn’t know you were holding came out. you felt relieved to be in someone’s company again. for the past week and a half you were as content as you could be with being alone, but now that someone, your favorite someone, was with you, your mind felt much clearer and it didn’t hurt to get out of bed (minus the slight blackout that occurred due to dehydration).
after undressing and stepping into the shower, you simply stood under the water for the first few minutes. you closed your eyes and imagined all the negativity and unhappy feelings being washed away by the water in sync with your deep breaths. the sound of the shower water hitting the bottom of the tub helped put your mind in a state of calm. on any other day it’d just be a shower, but today it feels almost rejuvenating. refreshing. after almost two weeks of self isolating and completely ignoring any form of hygiene it feels like a weight is lifting off your shoulders. the small frosted window in the bathroom told you that it was early nighttime but everything felt like it was getting brighter.
after finishing up and re entering your bedroom, you found that jeonghan wasn’t in there. your bedding had been made and switched out, and sitting on top was one of his shirts he must have brought with him accompanied by everything else you would need to wear. slipping your new clothes on, a comfortable sigh slipped from your lips at the jeonghan’s scent mixed in with laundry detergent. your house always felt like more of a home when he was in it.
making your way out of your bedroom, you called out to your boyfriend. he responded from the kitchen, and when you went to see him he was at the counter plating takeout for the both of you. you smiled at the sight.
he looks up at you once he’s finished and smiles. “i’m sure you haven’t eaten. am i right?”
you’re thankful he doesn’t show any emotions towards the idea if he has any, because of course he’s right. “no, i haven’t.. i’m sorry.”
with both plates in hand, he walks to your living room and sets them on the coffee table, sitting down on the floor and gesturing for you to join him. “don’t be. just, promise me to take better care of yourself.” he almost mumbles. it’s clear he’s fighting the urge to scold you and it makes your heart hurt knowing you may have worried him more than he’s letting on.
you sit down next to him, taking a bite of your food when you notice him looking at you expectantly. “i’ll try.”
he smiles, beginning to eat his own before wrapping an arm around you. “not a promise, but i’ll take it.” another kiss of his makes its way to your cheek.
the rest of your meal is shared in silence, save for the sounds of you both eating and the soft music jeonghan had turned on at some point. you might not have shared the emotional weight you carried yet but everything was already so much better with your boyfriend at your side. you truly wouldn’t trade him for the world. he hadn’t pushed you to share your feelings at all, instead sitting by your side, waiting for you to be ready to. you turned to look at him fondly, smiling at the bits of food at the corner of his mouth. you had no doubt that he would always be there, ready to listen.
“hani?” you asked. he hummed in response, still chewing.
“thank you for all this. for being here for me.”
he placed a hand on your knee, turning to look at you with so much love in his eyes.
“always.”