Chapter Text
Nothing is easy. Absolutely nothing. Everything is complicated, vast, difficult, and intricate. Nothing is ever “too easy”, even though I like to think some things are. Sometimes the things that seem easy are the most impossible. I want to believe there are simple people, simple planets, and simple reasons for why people do the things they do. I want to believe there are one-dimensional laws and one-dimensional people but I have seen too much, and I know better. The universe is not that kind.
Although nothing is too easy, there are things that damn well should be. Flying the TARDIS to a planet with green people living on it and rescuing my friend should be easy. It should be the simplest thing in the universe. All I’d have to do is materialize on Colossus III and she’d hear the engines and come running. It’s quite a shame the government is on high alert for intruders and has a block preventing any ships from landing – including my TARDIS.
It’s my fault. Colossus III was heavily guarded already, but ever since I made an impromptu visit and slipped past their defenses, they’re more protected than before. It’s my fault she’s stuck. It’s my fault. I don’t even know if she’s alive. For once, I have no idea what to do. I don’t have a plan. I don’t have a clever solution to solve this problem. I am… clueless. Lost. Ha, me, lost… Imagine how she must feel, Doctor.
I want to hope she doesn’t think she was abandoned, but I don’t know where she was when I left. I don’t know what she saw or heard if she even saw or heard anything. She could have woken up a prisoner and was told I left her behind on purpose. Well, I suppose I did. I could have fought harder; I could have done more than wave my screwdriver around… I don’t know why I didn’t. On a dark day, a day darker than most of my days, I hoped she died in that forest so she wouldn’t have to live with the insinuation I left her.
The TARDIS really gave me hell for that one.
She landed on the Ood Sphere and wouldn’t let me in for hours. It was freezing and she wouldn’t open the doors until I apologized. That was four months ago. I know better, now. I know I have to find her. I have to keep going. I was so close to breaking my oath… breaking my promise. I was selfish and couldn’t believe I lost another one. I never thought I would lose her.
For someone hundreds of years old, it gets blurry sometimes. Remembering experiences and feelings gets more difficult with every passing few years. I store feelings away in my head when I don’t want to feel them or when I want to forget them. My vault opened last week. The dam in my head broke and crashed down and I… I felt. I felt everything I shoved away and I felt it so hard, the TARDIS felt it, too. I found something that belongs… belonged… to her.
A necklace. A meaningless, insignificant necklace broke my walls. It got harder and harder to put my feelings where I didn’t want them and suddenly I realized how Martha Jones felt. I didn’t put it together at first, but I figured it out in my thick head. I’m over a thousand years old and sometimes I am so stubborn I don’t admit to anything, but this time I did. The only time I gave in is when I gave in to love. With Sarah Jane, with Rose, with River… I didn’t try to prevent anything. I wanted it as badly as they did. But with her, I tried so hard to stop myself.
Nothing is easy, but somehow, falling in love with this tiny, makeup clad, loud, passionate human girl was the easiest thing in the universe.