Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was a warm sunny day, at America HIgh School. Everything was going as normal, and Joe was bullying Donald, as usual.

"Hah! I bet you're named Donald after Donald Duck!"
Joe then proceeds to forget what he was previously saying.

"Err, uhh, u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-uhm..."

Athough he would never admit it, Donald finds it rather attractive. He loves a guy who forgets what he was going to say. You see, Donald was secretly a lover of men. Joe happened to be exactly his type of man. Old, suffering brain damage, yet still in high school, for some reason.

And although he was in denial about it, Joe was beginning to have a crush on Donald too. Joe suppressed that love, however, and bullied Donald instead. Donald went crazy for this, though. Each night, before he rest his head on his pillow, and accepted the warm embrace of sleep, Donald liked to imagine Joe, stumbling over his words, lying next to him.

"...Donald, I bet you couldn't, err, uh, u-u-u-uh... win a golf game as well as I do. I golf. I do all the sports."
Joe says, proud of himself.

Trump gasps. How dare this handsome bastard challenge his golfing skills!
"Well, Joe, I bet you couldn't win a golf tournament against me! I bet you'd fail a golf test! You know what? I challenge you to a... GOLF BATTLE!

All of the students in the hall freeze, simultaneously dropping whatever they were holding. Did Trump just say... a Golf Battle?! Even the teachers are shocked, one of them running to the P.A system to make an announcement.

"Attention, students. We have a very important announcement. We have heard that there has been a student challenge another student to a golf battle. May all students meet in the Golf Battle Hall, to watch this take place? Classes have been cancelled, in favour of the Golf Battle."

All of the students run to the Golf Battle Hall, eager to watch the battle ahead.

Chapter Text

The whole school was sitting in the Golf Hall, on the edge of their seats to see how this golf battle would play out.
The first golf hole was through a flying American flag, to represent their true patriotism, and passion for the 67 United Schools of America. Trump golfs it with his foot just like in hit game BLUE LOCKER, but Biden slam dunks the golf ball through the American flag, using only his big and pinky toes.

“The golf! I am such a golfer! Back in 1994, I won all the American golfing games. They called me the Joe Golf, like the TV show movie named Golfy Joe, which the 35th president played the main golfer, called Golf Biden, who is my great great great great great grandfather! Grandpather is gadada in Spanish, because I am language knower and know all the languages.”

Everyone in the crowd nods along to Joe’s speech, some people even writing it down. Every word of a pro golfer’s is a word of wisdom, after all.

The next hole is through a large piece of swiss cheese. They must get the golf ball into one hole, or else they get SLIMED!!! Biden goes first this time, ripping the first giant cheese in half with his ball powers, Luckily, they have a backup cheese. Donald gets his ball through most of the holes, giving a speech to the crowd on his winning hole.

“Look, all the cheese holes. People say I have many cheese holes, I have all the cheese holes. They call me the cheeser, with all my cheese holes.”

Biden is strangely attracted to Donald’s cheese speech. He likes his cheese holes.

So far, the score is even, one each. They pass a few more holes, the score evening up once again. The crowd goes wild at every move of the golf ball, and every move of the two contestants. Golf is a very important part of America High’s school culture, and the audience clearly reflects that, some even coming prepared with foam fingers, banners, and election ballots.

It’s the final round, the drawbreaker. The challenge? Joe Biden has had a golf ball implanted in his lungs. He must get the golf ball into Donald’s lungs, using their mouths. Nervous, they slowly put their mouths onto the other’s, attempting to transfer the golf ball. The golf ball is nearly out of Biden’s throat, and into his mouth, when Donald and Joe realise something. They both… enjoyed the mouth transfer. So much, that they decided to call it “kissing,” And they kissed. Joe spit the golf ball out, so he would have his mouth free for his beautiful Donald-ちゃん. The real winner of the golf-off is announced. Their unconditional love. The Golf Battle host then moves the two backstage, where Donald pulls Joe into a closet, and they kiss, passionately and deeply. Donald’s tongue is far down Joe’s mouth, as they give each other all of their saliva. It’s beautiful, like kissing a wet vacuum cleaner. It’s so beautiful, that Abraham Lincoln’s ghost, hiding in the closet, speaks up.

“Why young fellows, I must say. Your kissing is immaculate! you have inspired me to go chase after a love of my own.”
Abe Lincoln then starts violently making out with a golf club.

-

Back in the Golf Hall, the crowd was sitting in stunned silence, unable to react after the unexpected turn of events that had just played out in front of them. However, two people were using this moment to plot. Behind the bleachers, Elon Musk and Kamala Harris stood, nefarious ideas brewing. Both had their own grievances with the presidents, but their goals were very different.

“We must take revenge on Biden! I can’t believe that he’d try to take MY Trumpet!” Elon whisper-shouted.

“Yeah yeah, you’ll get your fat old orange crush, lover boy,” Kamala retorted with an edge of annoyance in her tone, “right now though, we need to come up with another plan, since we can’t do anything now that they’ve left.”

The two stood in silence for a moment, Kamala wracking her brain for ideas, while Elon’s mind was filled with less than family-friendly thoughts about Donald.

The Golf Hall plunged back into silence a few moments more, before a creak from one of the wooden bleachers echoed off the large walls, and the rushed footsteps of someone who seemed to be in a hurry reverberated across the floor, towards the exit.