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JJ was struggling. She heaved the heavy side door of the bar open with her shoulder and half-drug Emily Prentiss out into the night. This was probably the drunkest she’d ever seen her, no it definitely was. This had surpassed the girl’s night they had had right after getting back from a case in Miami a few years back. JJ only remembered because it had been the team’s second case with Will, and it had almost broken them up… until Emily convinced her to give him another shot.
Work had been strange this past week. JJ thought about her newborn son at home. This was her first case back from maternity leave. She absent-mindedly went for the tiny ring on her finger. She had shown the team this new piece of jewelry. Will had picked them out to symbolize their growing family. She pretended not to notice Emily’s face when she had proudly displayed it a few mornings ago over coffee and horoscopes. Penelope had been ragging her over something. She hadn’t heard their conversation exactly, but she had blamed it for her lack of reaction. It couldn’t be anything else. The presence of a ring on her finger couldn’t be why Emily’s eyes had flashed, just for a second, utter heartbreak dripping from them as if they were real tears. It couldn’t be why Emily had been distant lately… since the hospital. She had held Henry in her arms with love and adoration, but there had been something else. It certainly couldn’t be why the both of them had had more to drink tonight than usual.
Well at least JJ was lucid.
She got to the sidewalk, rearranging Emily in her grip. The other woman’s legs were still working, thankfully, but she was incoherent and stumbling. She was practically a liquid, sliding through JJ’s grasp despite all her best efforts. Emily laughed to herself.
“Are you having fun yet, Jayje?” She slurred, cracking a smile and looking up at her blonde compatriot.
JJ sighed. “I was, now I’m more concerned with getting you home safely.”
Emily groaned, throwing her head back limply, “Aww come on! I’m all good. I don’t even need to leave. We could’ve stayed and had more fun!”
“You sure had enough fun for the both of us…” JJ trailed off.
JJ looked over, mid-laughter at something Morgan had said. She barely registered it but knew it was supposed to be funny. Her martini had settled warmly on her nerves, and all worries about Will at home with Henry melted away. Her whole body was starting to tingle, and she gazed at the empty glasses littering the table. For the first time in months, she was finally comfortable-- until her eyes settled on Emily. JJ knew she had left them a few minutes ago. Time was beginning to blend together. She had mumbled something about the bathroom, but apparently “bathroom” was code for a nameless, gorgeous blonde, because Emily had seemed to fall onto her mouth with her mouth. The sight was unlike anything JJ had expected to see in her lifetime. She regretted admitting to herself that she had had this exact fantasy before, but she was used to playing the part of the other woman. Her eyes narrowed, but she was stuck there rooted in place. All time had stopped. She finally wrenched her eyes away and cast furtive glances at the rest of the table. No one else had seemed to notice anything was off. JJ pushed her third glass away from her. She felt the sick rising up in her, but she couldn’t even get to the bathroom. Her worst nightmare in physical form blocked its path.
JJ felt that familiar feeling again, the cocktails she had downed throughout the night were creeping back up her intestines. She swallowed as hard as she could and ignored Emily’s pleas to return to the bar. JJ finally spotted her car down the street, weaving through a few stragglers outside, she made a beeline for it with Emily in tow. She had planned on succumbing to the warm surrender of any fruity concoction she could get her hands on, but the night had other plans.
“I’m taking you home, Emily.”
She went quiet for a minute. Then, “You’re mad at me, aren’t you?”
JJ sighed, “No, I--I’m not mad at you.”
“Yeah, you are. I’ve seen you look at other people like this before.” Emily sounded completely sober now, though there was no way she was. She went on staring at JJ as she drove, gaze unwavering as if she were begging JJ to take her own eyes off the road ahead and meet hers. Look at me.
I can’t.
You won’t.
Emily, I’m driving.
They often had silent conversations. JJ didn’t remember exactly when they started. It must not have been that long after Emily joined the team. They fell into a kind of bond she couldn’t explain to anyone else, but the others knew. It was an unspoken facet of their daily lives. JJ and Emily. Emily and JJ.
The rest of the ride was silent. Emily’s head finally hit the window and JJ could almost hear light snores coming from the passenger seat. She ran a tired hand through her hair. Had it been the best idea to jump behind the wheel of a car at this stage of the evening? She felt perfectly fine now, her mind kept replaying the image of Emily wrapped around that woman as tight as a spring, friction building up in them both. She wondered what would’ve happened if JJ hadn’t gotten up and grabbed Emily’s arm as soon as they had broken apart, if she hadn’t asked if she was okay, seeing the vague shock and regret behind her eyes. Emily’s world was spinning, so she had ended both their nights by force, the nameless blonde melting into the background.
Emily seemed to wake up a little as JJ helped her up to her apartment. She hadn’t been there very many times. Mostly after nights like these, the rare occasion, Emily would invite her in to watch a movie. Penelope always comandeered the taxi, directing the driver to her own apartment first. Sometimes when the ride would quiet down and it was just the two of them, she would pop the question. JJ always said yes. There was a special euphoria she felt, their veins coursing with liquor, nerves successfully numbed, and sitting on Emily’s couch while Casablanca or Now, Voyager played in the background. It was always an old romantic movie, she had so many of them littered around her TV. She always knew all the lines too, it seemed, quietly murmuring them under breath and vaguely smiling to herself. JJ would watch her and smile too. It was a diamond in the rough type of discovery to see Emily Prentiss at that level of peace.
“Who was she?” JJ finally asked, after depositing Emily onto her bed.
“Who was who?”
“Emily, this isn’t something I’m just going to pretend I didn’t see.” I don’t want to.
She heard her curse under breath. “JJ, no one else knows. I didn’t not tell you on purpose.”
JJ scoffed, “That’s not why I’m upset.”
“So you are upset.” Emily sat up and tossed her a pointed look.
“No-- that’s not what I meant--” she was scrambling, and Emily’s eyes framed by dark hair like nighttime piercing her own wasn’t helping. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think you just didn’t tell me .”
“Okay,”
“So who was she?”
Emily broke her gaze, and let out an uncomfortable laugh, “You know, I honestly don’t-- Hannah, maybe? Or Helen… I didn’t know her before tonight.”
JJ clicked her tongue, “Oh, it’s like that is it?”
Emily smiled, “No it’s not like that . I just had-- some god awful thing Morgan mixed up and I still can’t really tell if you’re real right now.”
“I’ve just never seen--”
“Yeah, I’m usually better at hiding it… momentary lapse of judgement.”
JJ felt like reaching out and taking Emily in her arms. She wanted her to know so many things about herself… but she was too tired from chipping away at one of Emily’s many walls until it finally tumbled down. She only gave her arm a reassuring squeeze, a resounding you are safe with me, every part of you always has been lingering between them like static. Emily nodded like she understood, and wordlessly crawled back onto her pillows. Without asking, she made a place for JJ, and she thought back to those other nights with the words of Bette Davis and Ingrid Bergman fading away in the background, Emily and JJ asleep on the couch and heads finding shoulders. So JJ found Emily again under blankets.
They held each other in the dark until the sun began to spill through the blinds.