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Yoo Mia has never understood what grieving is. She was still young when her parents left her and her brother in the old house. And even if she was young at the time of passing, her parents were never there. Grieving for the parents who were never even parents to her was just not it…
If anything, her only family was her brother, Yoo Joonghyuk. He was the one who fed her, went to the parent-teacher meeting, gave her money for the field trip, and gave her a present every occasion he could. If the discussion was about parents, Yoo Mia could proudly tell everyone that her cool brother was the only parent she needed. So when they died, she never really grieved. Sure, there was a pang of hurt in her chest but what was there to grieve when they weren’t even present?
Yoo Mia doesn’t really know if her brother grieved when they died because all she could see was a cold gaze from her brother. After the funeral, it was like it was back on track, Just her and her big brother against the world.
Years later, Yoo Mia still doesn’t understand how to grieve. She just knew how taxing it was for her brother to grieve. His brother’s companion? partner? Soulmate? His other half disappeared or worse died. She was already 16 years old, she knew her brother held Kim Dokja near his heart. She may have seen them fighting every day, screaming and shouting at each other but she has also seen them holding hands, leaning on each other’s heads. She has seen how her brother’s eyes soften whenever he looked at his other half, or how he would gently shift her calloused hands on Kim Dokja’s face like he was deeply in love with him.
Yoo Mia knew how her brother would die for him and she made peace with it. She was more than happy that her brother finally found the person he treasured. This Ajusshi was also kind to her. There would be times when her brother could not take care of her, This silly Ajusshi was there holding her hands, sharing stories just so she could sleep. He would visit her when she was sick, bring her fruits, and hum that ugly song that stuck in his head. This Ajusshi would bring his neighbor’s kids for her to play with. And she had fun with them, with him. He was kind, it was that kind of kindness where it feels comfortable like home, like that fresh scent of violets and lavenders, Kim Dokja was like that. How could Yoo Mia hate him for such kindness?
Then he disappeared, no one really knows when or how suddenly he was out of reach. His apartment was engulfed in fire. Maybe it's the reason why she was starting to hate the fire too. It was all too late before the fire department settled with such tragedy. Kim Dokja is gone.
Some said he died.
Yoo Mia doesn’t know much about it, all she could think about it was pain. So much pain, her heart hurts thinking about him. Then she remembered her brother.
Her brother who loved Kim Dokja so much, who would die for him, who could not live without him.
In front of her eyes was her brother slumped on the cold hard rocky floor, his hands shaking and his eyes filled with hurt and pain. There were tears.
Yoo Mia could not remember Yoo Joonghyuk crying. He never cried when their parents died, nor did she remember him crying over the pain of accidentally breaking his fingers once. All she could remember that was akin to crying was his hissing in pain.
She could not even imagine him crying. But that moment, that moment alone, she finally knew. She doesn’t want to see her big brother cry again because seeing him cry out for Kim Dokja was terrifyingly sad.
*
She wondered if Kim Dokja knew he was being mourned by a lot of people.
Kim Dokja’s funeral went surprisingly fast. Fast in a sense, no one has the heart to move past it. Yoo Mia knew this Ajusshi was not insanely famous but for a funeral without a body that was dedicated to him, she never thought there were a lot of people who would mourn for him.
She looked at her brother and wondered if he ever really mourned for losing the other half of his heart. Yoo Mia was not unfamiliar with someone she knew dying and like last time when their parents passed, Yoo Joonghyuk did not cry. This time, he did not cry, he just looked at the only picture in front of them. He looked at Kim Dokja who was smiling, his hair tousled, his eyes shining and his cheeks red from so much life. But Yoo Mia thought wrong, she never knew how to mourn before, she didn’t know how her brother mourned but at that moment she knew her brother died when Kim Dokja died. He was grieving like no other, no one could understand the feeling of losing someone who promised him a lifetime.
She felt like crying.
Yoo Mia finally understood how to grieve, she just never expected it to hurt. Not just the death of someone close to you but to finally realize that it wasn’t just you that was mourning a death of someone, but also realizing that the same hurt you have, maybe worse than to those people you knew and that hurts as much. She saw how grieving ruined everyone, especially her brother.
The night after the funeral, Yoo Joonghyuk hugged her tight. It was rare for him to hug her now that she was getting a year older but she did not mind. She could feel how cold her brother was.
“I never want you to mourn for someone, Mia-ah. Brother is sorry.”
Like a dam that was finally overflowing, she cried and cried. Yoo Mia doesn’t even realize her brother was crying with her too but she could vaguely hear her brother apologizing over and over again. It hurts.
She cried for their loss, but she also cried for the loss his brother had.
She misses that silly Ajusshi but she knows her brother misses him too.
That night was unbearable.
And life kept moving forward, even with someone dead the world was still spinning, the seasons still changed and everyone grew one way or another but not her brother.
Yoo Joonghyuk was stuck in time. He may have been growing too, may have seen the world changes, may know the time moves but Yoo Joonghyuk was stuck grieving. Few weeks since then his brother changed, he still tried to be a better brother to Yoo Mia but it was all too different. He rarely talks, much more rare than what she had seen him when Kim Dokja was still around. He never went out, that all his friends had to force him out. She suggested he should get checked in with Lee Seolhwa but he only shook his head and told her not to worry about it.
She was slowly healing, and her friends did too but sometimes they would all get sad and remember their favourite Ajusshi. But that is just how life will be.
“Brother, I am going to the grocery. Do you need something?” Yoo Mia asked as she tied her shoes.
Her brother with dark eye bags and a thinner wrist nodded. Yoo Mia quickly grabbed her notepad and wrote what her brother needed.
“Apples, Soy Sauce, Peaches, Salt….. And cherry tomatoes.” Yoo Joonghyuk mumbled.
Yoo Mia quickly wrote everything and nodded to herself.
“I’ll be back, brother!” Then she left. She headed to the regular grocery store where she and her brother are frequent shoppers.
Apples, Soy Sauce, Peaches, Salt and Cherry Tomatoes.
She greeted the staff she saw as she went inside.
Apples, Soy Sauce, Peaches, Salt and Cherry Tomatoes.
She grabbed a small cart, and loaded her bag inside to make her life a bit easier.
Apples, Soy Sauce, Peaches, Salt and Cherry Tomatoes.
Then She grabbed some of her personal needs like a few chips and sodas for another all-nighter study session for her college exams.
Apples.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. She always heard about that phrase from her teachers back in elementary. Kim Dokja— That Ajusshi always told her about it too many times. She knew he would worry about her, there were far too many trips to the hospital when she was barely 10. Seolhwa eonnie, Her brother and Ajusshi’s close friend, was the one who always checked upon her.
“Mia Mia! Make sure to eat lots and lots of apples, so that you won’t get to meet doctors again,” Kim Dokja gently reminded her, he solely made a bunny out of apples and placed it near the young child.
She pouted, grabbing a slice of apple that was peeled for her,
“I wanted to see Seolhwa eonnie more.”
“Ah–”
Kim Dokja laughs,
“Seolhwa-ssi is a doctor, I forgot!”
Yoo Joonghyuk, who was sitting beside Kim Dokja, chuckled.
“Shut up, Yoo Joonghyuk.”
“Heh,”
“Seolhwa-ssi is special, Mia Mia. She will always visit you and your brother even if you eat lots and lots of apples”
Yoo Mia could still imagine the genuine smile on his face, and the love that her brother’s eyes. She missed it so much.
Now, Seolhwa eonnie rarely visits them, in fact even Sangah eonnie and the rest rarely visit them anymore. They have been pestering her brother to try and talk it out to the professionals and her brother was just sick of it that he went no contact. She misses them, she still talks to them and would sometimes updates them about her brother but it was not the same.
.
Yoo Mia grabbed some apples from the bin and tossed them on her cart. She crossed apples on her list and went to find Soy Sauce in the condiments section.
.
Soy Sauce is dark in color. Yoo Mia has been appreciative of the condiment Soy Sauce. Despite being dark, it brings up so many flavors in every dish. It’s like magic in liquid.
For some reason, Yoo Mia remembered how she and her brother made dumplings and Kim Dokja was tasked to make dumpling sauce for New Years.
Ajusshi was begging to help fold the dumplings, her brother laughed— laughing with Kim Dokja was easy for her brother. She would just sigh thinking about them.
Lovebirds and yet none of them even tried to confess to each other.
Kim Dokja was sometimes a menace in the kitchen, but on good occasions, he knew how to cook… sometimes. He said, living alone for so long makes you want to do things for survival, and cooking as a means to eat just to survive just did it for Ajusshi.
Yoo Joonghyuk, her brother, would just roll his eyes.
“You don’t need to survive. You need to live.” her brother would say. She remembers Ajusshi almost puts too much soy sauce in their sauces because of the shock. Luckily, she was there!
But Ajusshi smiled so hard, it was beautiful.
.
Yoo Mia stared at the Soy Sauce brand she was holding, it was the same condiment Kim Dokja used risking a good sauce for the dumpling. She placed it in her cart, crossed it on her list and started looking for Peaches.
Ajusshi, it's been so dark ever since you left.
Peaches were a rare treat. Her brother only buys peaches occasionally. Not because he hates it but they were just not peach eaters. It was Ajusshi who eats them, he practically devours them. Ever since he died they never bought peaches again. It never bothered her since she never eats peaches much. She would however remember how much of a memory peaches have.
Why would her brother buy peaches this time of year? Aju— Kim Dokja isn’t here anymore.
It hurts her when she realizes how much pain his brother is, it hurts more when she knows that the only person that could heal him is dead.
Every night, Yoo Mia could hear her brother weep for someone who is long dead. The only family she got, still mourning for someone. She knew it would take a long time to heal. Is her brother going to weep forever? That man is dead.
Kim Dokja is dead….
Isn’t this all your fault, Ajusshi?
On bad occasions, Yoo Mia resents Kim Dokja. Why does he have to meet her brother? Why does he have so much impact on him? Why did he act like he would stay only for him to leave without warning? That doesn’t seem fair. It’s unfair to her brother whom she loves the most.
But then he would remember the silly smile her brother has when Kim Dokja is around, or the fond eyes that would always follow Ajusshi around. The gesture of being loved back and taken care of after raising his only sister for years… only Kim Dokja could do it. She could not even make her brother smile lately. But Ajusshi could do it in a single second. He was sometimes cool for doing it.
She hates and loves him for being able to make her brother smile, laugh and cry.
.
Still the peaches that were out of season were placed in her cart and she was headed for the Salt.
.
Salt like the tears her brother sheds every night. She’d imagine it would be salty. She had read on one blog that tears tend to be salty when they cry whenever people are sad. Sweet tears for when they cry in joy.
She tasted her tears once when she was sad, and it was salty. So that blog might have been true. But tears are never rare in their home anymore. On nights where Yoo Mia would stay late, she could hear rough gasps and sniffs behind the closed door of her brother’s bedroom door. When it usually happens, Yoo Mia could only lean her back on his door as if to give comfort to her only brother behind the door.
There was a vast difference between when Yoo Joonghyuk was happy and what he is now. Now, his body seemed to look like it carried a lot of weight on his shoulder, his eyes no longer held the spark, he was just surviving, never living.
Brother, you are such a liar. You speak of living and enjoying everything life has to offer and yet you stood there barely surviving.
.
Salt is an enhancement tool to elevate the food, Yoo Mia understood the importance of Salt. She placed one on her cart and headed for the Cherry Tomatoes.
.
Cherry Tomatoes holds a special meaning to her brother and Ajusshi. She may never know what it means but it’s like a joke between them that she could never fully understand. All she ever understood was that Ajusshi hated them and her brother, Yoo Joonghyuk, with a smile would force him to eat one.
To Kim Dokja— Ajusshi,
I hate you. I really do. You made my only family cry, you made my friends cry and you made your friends cry. It was hard to see you leave, even harder when we realize you will never be a part of us moving forward.
My brother was affected the most. So how dare you?
But I have to thank you as well. You were there for my brother through rough patches and the higher praises. You were there and you understood him more than me. And the fact that even all the good and the bad, you have accepted him more than anyone could.
You could have been my sister-in-law. I would have secretly rejoiced that and made my friends eny because everyone liked you including my brother and me. And that's such hard to beat being liked by the Yoo Siblings so you should be glad.
I loved you like a brother, you are practically my family too. ( not that I would tell you that even if you are here) and it just pains me that even now the thought of you still lingers and it still affects us in a way no one could.
You should be happy, you have been mourned, remembered and loved.
I know you never understood the concept of love. Heck my brother never understood the concept of love too.
God, no wonder the world pairs you two both. You are impossible.
I don’t really know if you are really dead, no one could find you. The fire that burnt your house— no body was ever found.
My brother believes you're still out there. I don’t know much if you are still somewhere. God knows I would love to blow your brains out for leaving my brother.
We still grieve for you. It’s been years but we still grieve for something we cannot have.
Ajusshi… My brother still misses you.
.
These cherry tomatoes continue to stay fresh as Yoo Mia returns home.
She once checks the shopping list and crumples it. She threw it in the trash because in the end it was all just a shopping list.
“Brother, I’m home.”
“Hm.” her brother answered, he came out from the kitchen and grabbed the bags Yoo Mia got.
“Welcome home, Mia,” he said,
For whatever reason, Mia’s eyes turn a bit sour. Her mouth wobbled as she called out her brother.
“Brother..”
Like instincts, Yoo Joonghyuk gently hugs Yoo Mia and rubs her head.
“I’m sorry.”
She just cried and cried. Years of torment watching her brother rot away, hearing her brother cry every night just got into her. She misses her brother. She’s old now but she can’t help herself missing the moment when everything is fine.
Yoo Joonghyuk just gently pats her back for comfort.
“Should we visit the beach tomorrow?” Yoo Joonghyuk asked,
Yoo Mia just nodded,
May peace and happiness be with you for years to come. She wished for her brother.