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Peas in a Pod
“So are you and the rest of the guard going to compete in the trials for royal suitors?” Tony asked casually, as if his palms were not sweaty and he hadn’t had to clear his throat to make sure his voice didn’t crack. It was a normal question when it was his hand that was being vied for, he thought.
Steve blinked at him slowly. “…I hadn’t thought about it.”
“Oh,” Tony said, like the wind had been sucked from his sails, and then, “Okay, well, I’ve got to get to a meeting. Bye.”
“Bye?” Steve called after him, bewildered, as he watched Tony rush down the hall. He turned to look at Natasha. “What was that all about?” He regretted it immediately when he noticed how tightly she was gripping the hilt of her sword, not to mention the glare she was giving him. “What?!”
“You are so fucking dense,” Natasha managed to get out through gritted teeth. “He was telling you he wants us to compete for him and you shut him down cold.”
Steve raised an eyebrow. “Howard and Obadiah have already told us we’re not allowed.”
“We could have told him that instead of you just shutting him down,” Natasha hissed. “Now he knows that he’ll have to have someone else as his consort and he’s going to spiral about how we don’t love him enough to keep him from a stranger.”
“You and Tony are so fucking literal it’s annoying,” Steve answered immediately, rolling his eyes in frustration. “Natasha, there aren’t going to be any prospective suitors.”
Natasha stared at him, too stunned to speak for a moment. Finally, she managed, “What?”
Steve shook his head, as if she was putting upon him by asking. “Natasha, where do you think Clint and Bucky are?”
“…On a mission,” she answered slowly.
Steve huffed at her, crossing his arms over his chest. “On a mission to scare off prospective suitors.” He waved a hand out the window. “All of the invited prospects are going to be sending an ingratiating declination to the invitation except Lady Virginia, who already knows that we’re going to be in their room a lot.” He hesitated, then leaned toward her and whispered, “She seems to really be looking forward to it?”
“Who wouldn’t?” Natasha asked bluntly. She’d seen Tony all strung out and still reaching to pull someone to sit on his face. He was beautiful, generous, and above all, insatiable, so they all got at least one turn with him. Then the rest of what Steve said hit her, and she nearly drew her sword on him. “Did everyone know except me?!”
“We’re threatening people, Natasha, not just murdering them in their beds,” Steve sighed, rolling his eyes again.
“I can threaten. Just because I’m good at murder doesn’t mean that’s always my first instinct,” Natasha said, scowling at him. “Bucky got to go, and he’s worse at murder than me.”
Steve sighed again, this time looking very, very tired. “I told him he could eat Tony’s ass as long as he wanted when he got back and if he killed anyone, the deal was off.”
“That would do it,” Natasha admitted, because Bucky’s oral fixation benefited them all, but she and Tony were his favorites because they were the only ones who would sit on his face without having to be cajoled that they weren’t too heavy. He’d do anything for the chance to an uninterrupted meal. She sighed, lifting a hand to rub her eyes, then looked back up at him tiredly. “You have to tell Tony, Steve. You know how much it takes out of him to ask for things like that.”
“Yeah,” Steve admitted ruefully. “I get that now. Flowers?”
“And candy,” she agreed, nodding, and Steve groaned because now the cooks would be making fun of him for needing more make-up candy.