Work Text:
Dysphoria sucks. Leon was lucky to not experience it, mostly.
Keyword: mostly.
Nothing was easing the thoughts in Leon’s head tonight. Not his Jupiter Jim comics, not any of the music that usually helps him feel better— hell, he even tried training for a bit to get his mind off of it all.
Yet despite his best efforts, his thoughts were relentless— echoes of phrases such as “ what if you’re just forcing it”, “being a girl wouldn’t be that bad”, and “ you know, you aren’t dysphoric often— are you sure you aren’t just lying to yourself?”— and, quite frankly, he was getting sick of it all.
Leon could only remember one other time he experienced dysphoria in the time he’d found out he felt comfortable with labeling himself as trans, and it was when he was ten.
This was ridiculous, really— for four years, he’s felt completely comfortable with his identity. Hell, he’s even been comfortable presenting a bit more femininely as of late.
In all honestly, he was done with this bullshit. He didn’t want to cry over thoughts he knows realistically don’t have any power over him.
But they were just getting to him. And he had no idea why. And that was horrifying.
It was as if he could feel his entire identity slip away from him— everything he’s built up in himself over the course of those four, secure years, toppling over into a pile of rubbish in on itself.
He got up from his bed and, on his way out of his room, he took a glance at himself in his full body mirror.
However, instead of smiling at himself and striking a cocky pose, his eyes landed on the bright red marks around his eyes. They’ve kept their vibrant color since he was a child— something only present in female red sliders.
They’ve never really made him feel insecure, but tonight, they felt like a punch in the gut. Salt in the already very, very open wound.
He squints to see a tad better in the dark until he sees Mikey’s room, and makes a beeline for it. He’s taking deep breaths to try and calm his mind, but his attempts prove to be futile.
As he reaches the doorway, he opens his mouth to ask if Mikey’s awake— however, he doesn’t get to speak before, as if on cue, Mikey appears in front of him.
“Sorry, I kinda heard you coming, so—" His brother shrugs, flipping his sharpie in his hand. “—did ya need something? You seem a bit…”
He squints at his brother and looks him up and down. “—off.”
Leon huffs, blankly staring at the ground. “Yeah. I just need to talk— is that good, or are you—“
He doesn’t even get to finish his sentence before Mikey is packing up the materials for the art piece he was working on at the speed of light. Once the younger of them is finished, he sits down on his bed and pats the spot next to him for Leon to sit as well.
Leon looks around the room before sitting down, turning to face his brother slightly. He fidgets with his hands, sighing.
Meanwhile, Mikey isn’t pushing Leon to speak just yet. He looks at his sibling softly, ready to listen for however long he needs to.
Finally, Leon breaks the silence. “I’m pretty sure I’m feeling dysphoric and I have no fucking idea what to do about it.”
He holds his head in his hands, laughing to himself, just because of how absolutely shitty this feels.
Mikey is frowning across from him— he doesn’t understand what it’s like for Leon, but he can tell it must be bad.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” He asks. “I mean, you don’t have to. But getting it off your chest might help, y’know? If not, I can just be here for you— whatever you need, bro.”
Leon bites his lip, bouncing his leg up and down.
“It’s just weird. All around. It’s so— so vague. A vague feeling. But it still gets to me.”
“Like it shouldn’t bother you, but it does?”
“Yeah.” Says the ōdachi bearer. “Like, it started with this one little thought I had— ‘what if you’re just forcing yourself to be a boy?’ ”, then it just…started getting worse. Like, not worse , but I’m just thinking so much about it all. More than I should.”
Mikey didn’t know quite what this felt like, but he felt he could understand what his brother was getting at.
“Do you need reassurance or like— validation?” He puts the offer out on the table, shifting slightly. He watches as Leon rubs his eyes, grimacing slightly.
“Nah, I just— I don’t know what I need, really.” He brings his knees to his chest. “It’s like— I’ve been completely fine for so long. I haven’t questioned my gender in a while, nothing about saying I’m a boy felt weird or unusual, but today? My mind’s screwing itself over.”
Leon takes a deep breath, but it doesn’t help much. He knows Mikey would’ve wanted him to, though, so he did. Even if it calmed him down only a bit.
“Like, my mind is just fighting itself. I haven’t thought about living as a girl since I did as a kid. I can’t imagine myself growing up and identifying as a woman, as your sister.” He’s beginning to tear up a bit, breathing growing shaky.
“But I’m just having these thoughts that I’m forcing myself to be a guy. And what freaks me out is that when I try reaffirming to myself, it feels… off. Because I already feel uneasy, I guess? And that makes my brain think “oh, yeah! you must be a girl, then!”— but I think that’s just how I feel when I focus on it too much? It’s just—“ He swears, he’s going to have a stroke if he cuts himself off one more time.
Mikey is looking at his brother and wants to cry— all he wants is to take this mental burden from his head.
“…I understand.” Mikey frowns.
“No, you don’t.” Leon jabs at him, his cisgender brother, with a small laugh.
Mikey snorts, lightly punching Leon’s shoulder. “Okay. Maybe I don’t know exactly what you’re feeling, but I do know that this must feel mad overwhelming, right?”
“Very. Very much. I just wanna, like, stop thinking about it.”
“And you will, I’m sure— you know, all bad times pass— but it’s still important to address how you feel in the moment, so…”
“Yeah.” He looks up at the ceiling. “I know I’m a boy. Just…sometimes the fact I wasn’t born one? It really gets to me.”
Mikey can tell that Leon is thinking of a million different things right now, but he won’t pressure him to say anything more than he wishes.
“Yeah…I get how that can hurt.” Said Mikey, resting his head on his hand. “And I’m sorry, bro. Really. But you’re really strong, you know?”
Leon looks at him and smiles. He’s definitely gonna burst into tears about that one later. “I know.”
The younger puts his arm around the other. “I know I don’t really understand what you’re going through, but I’m always here, okay?”
“Okay.” He smiles up at him, tiredly looking at his brother.
Mikey pulls him into possibly the tightest hug ever, standing the both of them up and swaying them around. He’s crying (happy tears), because he’s Mikey— of course he is.