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There were many downsides to being married to a vampire, as Andy had come to find out. For one, Miranda always seemed to come home late at night with blood still on her lips, it made kissing more than a little gross.. Secondly, the editor practically enjoyed turning into a bat and scaring the shit out of her. Andy couldn’t recall the amount of times she’s nearly smacked her wife in the head with a broom thinking she was a rabid animal. Worst of all was the time she found Miranda snacking on someone’s forearm in bed in the middle of the night. She could still feel the little droplets of blood hitting her cheek.
Andy could honestly stand the sight of the blood, guts, and gore. What she couldn’t stand was the smell. Sure, Miranda smelt like a goddess in the morning, as if she hadn’t been draining some construction worker in an alleyway the night before. But at night the woman reeked! Andy had walked past compost piles that smelt more inviting!
Knowing these things, and having being married to a vampire for several months, Andy wasn’t all too surprised to hear the noise of something repeatedly hitting the bedroom window. Miranda, surprisingly, was a horrible flier. Andy had seen her get tangled in the chandelier on more than one occasion, and of course she never let the editor live it down.
She groaned, she didn’t want to get up from bed, she was finally at a good part of her book, but of course whatever Miranda Priestly demands, Miranda Priestly gets.
Andy opened the blinds to see a bat ramming itself repeatedly into the glass. The poor thing reminded her of a pathetic wet cat, all sad and.. Stupid looking. She silently thanked God that vampires weren’t actually able to read thoughts.
She let out a deep exhale, “There you are..” she opened the window as the little black ball of fur flew directly into the wall, bringing in the stink of New York City with her. She barely suppressed a gag, “Jesus Mira! Did you roll around in raw sewage?” She shut the window and grabbed the bat, which chittered and hissed, as a disgruntled Miranda-bat usually does when grabbed without warning.
Andy gagged, this may have been worse than the forearm incident. “Stop squirming! Do not make me swaddle you!” The bat only chittered and flapped its wings in response. “Im giving you a sink bath.. This is disgusting.” She had to pin the poor things wings to its body just to maneuver it into the en-suite bathroom.
She turned on the sink, not even attempting to hide her glare at the bat. “Do you have any idea what time it is?” The bat simply tilted its head. Oh so now she wanted to feign innocence.. “2 AM. 2 AM Miranda, you promised you’d be back by midnight. You know I never mind if it’s for work, but this ‘late night hunting‘ is messing with my sleep schedule too..” She checked the water before putting ‘Miranda‘ in the sink, scrubbing the little creature with hand soap, earning her a squeak of protest.
“I know it isn’t your expensive shampoo, but you smell so God-awful you need at least three wash rounds. Oh do not fight me on this!” She rinsed the soap off the bats fur before scrubbing her once again. “I mean seriously, did you roll in raw sewage?”
She was met with little beady black eyes staring up at her, chirping as if she was trying to argue back. Huh. Andy could’ve sworn Miranda had the same eye color even while as a bat. She rinsed the second round of soap before lathering the bat up again.
“I swear the smell is like imbedded in your ski—“
“Andrea, are you asleep?” She heard Mirandas lovely voice call.
Miranda.
Miranda?!?
“Miranda?!” She jumped, letting go of the bat, which surprisingly stayed put in the sink.
“Andrea..?” Andy was greeted by the sight of her lovely, clean smelling wife standing in the bathroom doorway, “What on Earth are you do—“
Miranda glanced at the bath in the sink, then up at Andy, then back at the bat, then Andy, she raised her eyebrows, amused at the sight, “Are you cheating on me?”
Poor Andy, sleep deprived and confused, thought Miranda was serious, “What?! If someone put a gun to my head and told me the only way i’d live was by having sex with anyone but Miranda Priestly, I would choose death!”
Miranda raised her eyebrows, amused and a bit betrayed, “And who is that?” She asked, nodding towards the wet bat.
“I thought it was you!!”
“Excuse me? I take offense to that. That.. Thing. Isn’t even a vampire bat.”
Andy whined.
“And you would wash me with hand soap? Honestly, what have I done to deserve this?”
Another whine.
“Andrea, let go of the bat. We’re going to the ER.”
“Whatttt? Mirandaaa.. Its 2 AM.”
“You just touched a bat, you need a rabies shot.” Miranda grabbed Andys hand, pulling her away from the bat.
“What about—“
“I’ll make housekeeping get it.”
“Miranda..”
The editor scoffed, releasing Andrea from her grip and going to grab the bat, which hissed and flailed.
“She likes me more than you..”
“Andrea this isn’t even a ‘she’! Honestly, how could you think this was me?!” Miranda grabbed the bat, running towards the window. The poor creature hissing as Miranda all but chucked it like a football out the window.
The editor dusted her hands off and slammed the window before turning on her heels, an exasperated expression on her face. “You thought that.. Was me? That hissing ball of disease, was me?”
“It looks exactly like you!!” Andy protested as Miranda grabbed her hand, tugging her downstairs, “It is not my fault all bats look the same!”
“Im going to pretend you didn’t just say that.” The editor muttered, pulling Andrea to the front door as she fumbled with her phone.
“Miranda! Im in my pajamas!”
“I am not allowing you to die from rabies.” The editor tugged Miranda down the stoop, calling a taxi on her phone.
“Im not foaming at the mouth, I don’t see why we have to go! Plus an ER trip? Thats like, what? 3,000 dollars?”
Miranda snapped her phone shut, “Don’t be silly, we have the money.” She spoke firmly, pulling Andrea to the yellow taxi pulling up to the curb with the strength of a body builder.
Once in the car and having gave the driver their destination, Miranda leaned over to fuss over Andreas face. “You have dirty street bat water on your face..”
“In my defense-“
“I would never splash you, and never in my 104 years of life would I hiss at you.”
Andy sighed and leaned into the touch, her mind drifting off as she glanced at Mirandas bloodied teeth. She made a motion with her tongue, nonverbally indicating Miranda should lick her teeth. She was surprised the editor was so focused on her, even while being in a cab that reeked of cigarettes, she only saw Andy.
“I do not have rabies.”
Miranda raised an eyebrow mid teeth lick, giving Andrea a ‘you will listen to me and that will be the end of it look’. Andy sighed and lolled her head onto her wifes shoulder.
“Im tired.”
“Im aware.” Miranda brushed Andys bangs out of her eyes, grumbling something about ‘raw sewage’.
“I hate needles.”
“Im aware.”
“You have to hold my hand while they shoot me.”
“Must you be so negative?”
“I must.” Andy smiled and glanced up at Mirandas intense gaze, “I knew that bat wasn’t you, it was lacking those eyes that make you ‘the ice queen’..”
“You knew that and kept washing it? In all my marriages i’ve never felt so betrayed.” Miranda smiled, kissing the brunette’s cheek as the cab came to a halt.
Andy slid out of the car, shivering in the night air and only her Northwestern shirt and a pair of pajama shorts on. Miranda paid the driver before grabbing Andreas arm, tugging her to the ER.
“Im sorry for washing another bat..”
All that earned her was a displeased Miranda groan.
“Just be grateful I didn’t use your expensive shampoo on he—“
“You were going to what?!”