Chapter Text
Losers Club
🌈Mr.Vogue 🌈: I honestly question why we have this group chat. Half of us live in the same city.
🌈Superquadtripualthreat🌈: But we never see each other.
⭐ FutureTonyAdwardWinner ⭐: I agree with Kurt. I don’t know why we have this chat and certainly not why we must have this as the title.
😇St.Jesse😇: I assumed it was because you guys lost to us in your first attempt at sectionals.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: That has nothing to do with the name. It’s because aside from like 4 of us, the rest of you are all losers.
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: San, Q, Cedes, Sugar, Mike and me is more than 4. It’s 6.
🥓QueenFabray🥓: Good job showing off your math skills Britt. :)
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: My wife is such a genius. She’s the best.
BrowneyedGirl: Are we still on for drinks at the club?
🌈Superquadtripualthreat🌈: Yes Tina. We are still on.
⭐ FutureTonyAdwardWinner ⭐: I was unaware you were also invited Tina.
🥓QueenFabray🥓: What club?
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: Think Q. It’s a gay club. Why else would the 2 hags be going? Berry, I know we told you to stop invading queer spaces.
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: Yeah, just because you’re sleeping with a gay man doesn’t make you gay. Not even you Blaine.
🌈 Mr.Vogue 🌈: Brittany Blaine is a gay man. We’re married. Remember? You were right next to us when it happened.
🥓QueenFabray🥓: I remember you not paying a cent for that amazing wedding.
Whitechocolate : Wait does this mean I shouldn’t go to them? I dated a bi chick, a lesbian and whatever Quinn is.
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: Who’s the bi chick and lesbian you dated? Do we know them?
Puckthegreat: You and Santana. Sam dated all of you glee girls. I think he fucked you all too
Whitechocolate : Did not sleep with all. I didn’t sleep with Mercedes or Quinn.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: I have no memory of dating you let alone sleeping with you.
🌈Superquadtripualthreat🌈: Depending on your definition I think I could say I slept with him.
Ms.AJones : All of you need Jesus.
Whitechocolate : You have no memory of it? Santana, we had sex 5 times.
Whitechocolate : I mean you cried during it for 4 of those times but still counts.
🥓QueenFabray🥓: Was she drunk because she only cries when she’s drunk.
Wheelieman : Or correctly called on her bullshit.
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: Hey!
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: I’ll have you know she cries for other reasons too! Like during the opening of Up.
🥓QueenFabray🥓:
🥓QueenFabray🥓: Who didn’t?
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: Quinn!
Ms.AJones : Why would you post that gif when you know most of us are at work?
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: San and I miss class because of this you are in so much trouble Quinn No middle Name Fabray.
Puckthegreat: Quinn is her middle name Brittany. Her first name legally is Lucy...
🥓QueenFabray🥓: Sorry I posted a gif that is making Santana cry like a little baby in the middle of class.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: I am not crying in the middle of class.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: I am crying in the middle of the library.
🥓QueenFabray🥓: Careful, some girl with a Virginia Woolf book might smile at you.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍:
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: 
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: 
Puckthegreat: Dance Moms and Tyra? Oh fuck Q. Britt is pissed!
Wheelieman : 
Whitechocolate : I don't get it. What's the issue with smiling?
DancingKing : Trust me Sam. Stay out of it.
Puckthegreat: All I know is if Britt is using Dance Moms or Tyra gifs to yell at you. You are fucked. Just apologise and never do it again.
Browneyeddiva: I know why!
Browneyeddiva: 
Sugthegreat: WE NEVER SPEAK OF THAT SONG!
⭐ FutureTonyAdwardWinner ⭐: What is going on?
⭐ FutureTonyAdwardWinner ⭐: What's wrong with Taylor Swift? I mean her vocal talent is mediocre but you can't argue that her lyrical ability is amazing. I wonder why we never performed her in Glee.
Browneyeddiva: Someone did Taylor Swift.
Browneyeddiva: Right Santana?
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: 
Whitechocolate : I almost sang a Taylor Swift song at the wedding.
Whitechocolate : I thought it'd be funny to sing Speak Now.
Puckthegreat: And I explained it was a good way to get castrated by Quinn.
Ms.AJones : Not just Quinn. I would've too.
Whitechocolate : Who said it would've been to Brittany? They're not the only ones who got married that day.
🌈 Mr.Vogue 🌈: Sam back off my husband!
🌈Superquadtripualthreat🌈: I can speak for myself Kurt.
🌈Superquadtripualthreat🌈: Timing wouldn't have made the joke land Sam.
Sugthegreat: If Quinn isn't dead in two months from now, are we still on for the trip?
Ms.AJones : Two weeks in the Dominican sounds amazing.
⭐ FutureTonyAdwardWinner ⭐: What trip to the Dominican?
Sugthegreat: Oops. Texted the wrong group chat.
Sugthegreat: No trip.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: Britt and I are visiting some family, my Abeula's brother is unwell. Sugar is going to a resort with Quinn and Merecedes is promoting her album there.
⭐ FutureTonyAdwardWinner ⭐: Right so you're not all going on a girls trip and just not inviting me?
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: Literally the only reason Britt and I are going is to be with my family and say goodbye to my great uncle before he dies. Not everything is about you Rachel.
Puckthegreat: Brittany and Quinn haven't texted in awhile.
Puckthegreat: San are you with Brittany?
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: No I'm in the library trying to write a paper.
DancingKing: Yeah, I wouldn’t worry about it. Quinn is at her internship in Queens. Brittany was at her class in NYU. Enough time hasn’t passed for them to meet up let alone for Brittany to kill Quinn and hide her body.
Puckthegreat: Quinn’s phone is going straight to voicemail.
Wheelieman : Lucy Quinn Fabray, was a loving friend and daughter that was tragically killed too young after poking the bear.
Puckthegreat: Not fucking funny.
🌈 Mr.Vogue 🌈: What’s wrong with you Artie!
🌈Superquadtripualthreat🌈: Too far.
Whitechocolate : That STD must have eaten your brain man.
Puckthegreat: What STD?
Puckthegreat: Artie has an STD?
Puckthegreat: First one of us to get an STD and it wasn’t me!
Puckthegreat: I won the pool!
DancingKing: You did not win the pool.
⭐ FutureTonyAdwardWinner ⭐: You boys had a pool about who would get an STD? You’re disgusting.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: When was this STD?
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: If it was any time after the wedding then no you do not win Puck. I know about the case of syphilis you caught from that Mary Kay lady.
🌈Superquadtripualthreat🌈: What Mary Kay lady?
🌈Superquadtripualthreat🌈: Puck did you sleep with a Mary Kay rep at the wedding?
🌈 Mr.Vogue 🌈: PUCK YOU DID NOT SLEEP WITH MY MOTHER IN LAW!
Whitechocolate : Pam is a very lovely lady.
🌈Superquadtripualthreat🌈: Watch it.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: In fairness, Puck did hit on like everyone at the wedding. Also nice to know that you know your mother had syphilis, Blaine.
🌈Superquadtripualthreat🌈: MY MOTHER DOES NOT AND NEVER HAS HAD ANY SYPHILIS OR ANY OTHER STD.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: I said the Mary Kay lady Puck fucked gave him syphilis, and you assumed it was your mother.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: Do the math greaseball.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: One plus one equals you think your mother had syphilis and gave it to Puck.
Puckthegreat: Who told you I had syphilis?
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: Quinn did. You told her you were just getting over it when you guys got back together for the like 4th time.
🌈 Mr.Vogue 🌈: Puck did hit on Carol at the wedding.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: He hit on my mom and Britt’s.
Puckthegreat: The mothers of the brides did not appreciate my charms. Though Whitney did tell me about how Pierce can and does climb her like a spider monkey.
Puckthegreat: And apparently the stereotype of Asain men having small dicks is false.
DancingKing: The small dick thing is something we made up to get white girls to stop wanting us so bad. It was getting embarrassing.
Browneyeddiva: Can confirm.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: Yeah, unfortunately, I know the size of my father-in-law’s penis. It needs no embellishments.
🌈 Mr.Vogue 🌈: How do you know?
Ms.AJones : Since Brittany and Quinn aren’t here to explain, as someone who has spent a few nights at the Pierce home I can explain.
Whitechocolate : Pierce sleepwalks and sleeps naked and some mornings, or afternoons, or evenings he has been known to not notice he forgot to put on pants or underwear.
🌈 Mr.Vogue 🌈: I’m sorry Sam knows the size of Brittany’s dad’s
Whitechocolate : I spent a lot of time at Britt’s house when we dated.
⭐ FutureTonyAdwardWinner ⭐: You were both in high school, how many mornings could you have been there?
Whitechocolate : The Pierces are very progressive when it comes to sex.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: Stop talking about my parents please.
Whitechocolate : It’s your in laws. I’ve never met your parents.
🌈Superquadtripualthreat🌈: In laws are still your parents.
🌈Superquadtripualthreat🌈: I call Burt dad.
Unholy Trinity
🥓QueenFabray🥓: I am so sorry San that I teased you about that girl in the library. I figured since you and Brittany are married now that it would be okay but I shouldn’t have mentioned it, no matter how much time has passed I shouldn’t make fun of your insecurities.
🥓QueenFabray🥓: Please accept my apology and let me know how I could ever make up for it.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: It’s okay Q. I know that it was meant to be light and funny. No harm done.
🥓QueenFabray🥓: Brittany, do you accept my apology as well?
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: Yes I do. Thank you Quinn.
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: You and Puck coming over to dinner on Friday?
🥓QueenFabray🥓: We are. Thank you. Let me know what we can bring.
🥓QueenFabray🥓: Why is the Glee chat talking about Brittany’s dad’s dick?
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: Keep on scrolling up.
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: You know I keep forgetting that Tina exists and this just be what makes it final for me.
🥓QueenFabray🥓: Tina wants to die. Clearly.
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: I’m going to call Mike see if he thinks there is a chance he’ll ever get back with her. If the answer is no she’s dead.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: Whatever happened to that blonde who kept telling me to stop the violence?
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: She watched people hurt her wife.
Trouble Tones Plus Quinn
Sugthegreat: Sorry, if Q is dead now, are we still going on the trip?
🥓QueenFabray🥓: Not dead.
🥓QueenFabray🥓: But thanks for caring Sugar.
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: Trip is still on. The resort is booked and thanks to Santana’s Tio we have the best suite, top of the line packages for a fraction of the price.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: Pays to have relatives in the hospitality business.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: Next year we can do Cuba. I have a cousin who manages a resort there too.
Ms.AJones : Do we have to keep going to resorts? Can we just visit a city?
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: Maybe. The resorts are nice though.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: If we don’t go to a resort there’s a better chance of you getting mugged. You guys aren’t as street smart as Britt and I.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: Plus Britt and I will have to translate all the time. It’s just a pain in the ass because then we can’t go anywhere alone.
Ms.AJones : Okay.
Ms.AJones : Makes sense.
Ms.AJones : I’ll start learning Spanish and we can revisit this.
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: I’ll help you with your Spanish. It’s not hard to learn.
Losers Club
🥓QueenFabray🥓: Here Blaine. You should order this for Puck's birthday. It's coming up in a few weeks.
🥓QueenFabray🥓: 
Puckthegreat: Is this how you break up with me Quinn?
🌈Superquadtripualthreat🌈: Just enough with the jokes. Yes or no did you fuck my mom.
🥓QueenFabray🥓: Yes. I fucked your mom Blaine.
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: No I fucked your mom.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: No I fucked Blaine's mom.
Whitechocolate : I fucked your mom.
😇St.Jesse😇: I fucked your mom.
Sugthegreat: I fucked your brother.
🦄Mrs.Lopez-Pierce🦄: I fucked your brother too.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: Yeah. I slept with your brother too.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: You picked the wrong brother Kurt.
🌈Superquadtripualthreat🌈: I hate you all.
Puckthegreat: I honestly don't know if I fucked your mom.
Puckthegreat: I slept with 3 different Mary Kay women.
Puckthegreat: Send me a pic of your mom and I can tell you if I did sleep with her.
🌈 Mr.Vogue 🌈: We'll just assume that you didn't and never will.
Wheelieman : Wait so did Puck win the pool or not?
Wheelieman : My STD was before the wedding, but surely someone else in Glee Club must have had one before.
Wheelieman : Like Santana.
Wheelieman : I feel like she might have had something sophomore year.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: Fuck you Artie. And for the record if Puck is serious about collecting the four grand from the pool, he doesn't get it. Rachel had crabs her first year in New York.
⭐ FutureTonyAdwardWinner ⭐: I DID NOT
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: I saw the little bumps where your moustache used to be.
🌈 Mr.Vogue 🌈: Santana for the last time it was bed bugs not crabs. We all had them because you brought in that trash chair.
💍Mrs.Lopez-Pierce💍: Yet I remained unbitten that entire time.
⭐ FutureTonyAdwardWinner ⭐: You need a heart to have something bite you to feed off your blood.
🥓QueenFabray🥓: And back then Brittany was in Lima so Santana's heart was still in Ohio.
Puckthegreat: Take it easy there Hawthrone Heights.
Puckthegreat: 