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Aiura, from an objective standpoint, has a very pretty face. She takes care of her skin every night, finishes showers with cold water to close her pores, uses concealer and color-corrector, and sank hours into learning how to do makeup when she was younger—Saiki knows all this against his will.
Clear skin, the right foundation shade, and flawless wings can’t save her from the dramatically ugly disgusted expression she makes when she sees what Toritsuka is doing across the cafeteria.
“Aiko-chan! I was wondering if you would let me touch your— I-I mean! Borrow your notes from math? Please!” Toritsuka wheedles in his saddest, wettest voice. He’s prostrating on his hands and knees in front of the only girl who’s shown interest in him, playing up the pathetic and gross aspects of his personality. Logically, his method should work; her type is disgusting freaks and he is being his disgusting freak self in front of her.
But people are not logical creatures.
Mikami Aiko stares down at him with blank, disinterested eyes. “Hm. Sure, okay.” She intones lifelessly. As she’s digging through her bag, Takahashi passes with a lunch tray on his way to sit with his friends.
“Oh, Takkun! Wait for me!” She practically sings, chasing after him with a skip in her step, Toritsuka all but forgotten on the floor.
“Jeez,” Aiura sighs, “I keep telling him girls are a lost cause.” Wait, were you being serious when you told him his soulmate was a man last year?
“Toritsuka-kun is very stubborn about this, isn’t he? You would think given his track record that he’d give up on her—and dating in general!—but no matter what happens to him he gets up and tries again with the next girl. I’d consider it an admirable trait if he weren’t harassing people. It’s really very unfortunate that he can’t apply this kind of drive to something productive like getting a part-time job or studying for exams. Really, it’s a shame. In the best case scenario he dies a salaryman and in the worst he dies on the street. He was in the bottom percentile of the class again last month. I offered to help him study but he got angry with me for som—”
Aiura claps to interrupt him. “Tōcchi, Kuboyasu isn’t even sitting with us and it looks like he’s gonna explode.” Kuboyasu does indeed have a murderous gleam in his eyes even though he’s sitting three tables away. “Also, your face is like, super red. Take a breath.”
Akechi smacks a hand over his mouth and focuses on breathing through his nose. It looks like it physically pains him.
“But yeah, you’re right. Being stubborn is fine as long as it’s about the right stuff. Like—” ‘pursuing your soulmate!’ Aiura tries to sweep Saiki into a hug, but he moves out of the way and holds her back with one hand, all without dropping his utensils.
She pouts like a child, even though they both know she’s not interested in him romantically anymore. “You’re no fun Kusuo.”
[I’m not here to entertain you.] Saiki replies in a tone so cold and harsh it would scare his usual nuis— friend group. His usual friend group. [And being stubborn about pursuing me would make you the same as Toritsuka.] He tries to get back to enjoying his lunch, assuming that’s the end of it. Of course it wouldn’t be, with these people.
Both Aiura and Akechi’s eyes are wide with shock. A spoonful of rice and curry slips off Akechi’s spoon and splats on the table. The spoon itself follows with a clatter. Aiura is so pale it looks like she’s seen a ghost.
[Have you really not made that comparison yourselves?]
Akechi can’t take it anymore. “That’s a horrible thing to say Kusuo-kun!” He bursts out, “Aiura-san’s feelings for you were genuine and pure! She was simply going after someone she thought was her perfect match! Would you not do the same? Honestly, I can’t believe you would say something so heartless. I’m willing to sing Toritsuka-kun’s praises in other areas but he’s not motivated by love, he’s motivated by lust. It taints all of his relationships and makes it impossible to be intimate with him in any platonic way—”
Toritsuka appears behind him with a shadowed stone-faced expression. “I’m right here, Akechi.”
The blond barely bats an eyelash in his direction. “Yes, I know. I felt the air change behind me a few seconds ago. You should probably sit, if anyone needs to hear about the damage you do to others, it’s yourself. Improving starts with being told things that may be difficult to hear, so I’m going to be as blunt and honest as possible. I think you could be a good person if you put your mind to it but as it stands now, associating with you in public is a death sentence. For starters,” Akechi is once again interrupted by a noise, that being Toritsuka pulling a chair out and dropping himself in it.
His forehead meets the table in a slam too muted and underexaggerated to be dramatic. ‘Is it over for me?’ Ah, well, his thoughts make up for that. ‘First Hī-chan goes steady with that plain guy Suzuki-something, now Aiko-chan won’t even give me the time of day… What’s wrong with me? Saiki-san said they liked me. Did he lie?’
“Are you dead?” Aiura pokes the top of his head, disturbing a few strands around his crown. He groans but doesn’t move. “Damn, he didn’t even get to dressing you down.”
“Given his demeanor, I don’t think I need to anymore.” Akechi says thoughtfully. “Have you finally accepted that you’re the problem, Toritsuka-kun? If so, that’s good news.” After possibly the shortest sentence that’s ever come out of his mouth, Akechi… doesn’t say anything more and takes a bite of his lunch. That’s more shocking than whatever’s going on with the sad excuse for an ESPer.
[Mikami has moved on. It’s natural, given your stunt at the tennis courts and how long you waited to try again.] Saiki supplies, carefully watching Toritsuka for signs of life. He remains slumped against the table… so he takes a gamble. [As for Suzumiya, her lack of interest in you is my fault.]
Toritsuka’s head shoots up, fury burning his face red. “WHAT!? You don’t mean—” He slams his hands against the table and stands, leaning over to get in his face. “You mind-controlled her to not like me anymore, didn’t you, you bastard! After what you said too—!” He’s yelling and making himself bigger, but he looks like he might cry any second. Anyone else would show mercy on his emotional state and de-escalate to the best of their ability. Saiki would rather stick his hand in an ant hill.
[Did you forget who you’re talking to.]
The psychic medium grays and sits back down, demure in a matter of seconds. “Ah— um. N-no. Of course not, Saiki-san.” ‘You bastard, son of a bitch, shit-breathing lying thieving heartbreaking bastard, Saiki-san! I won’t forgive you!’
Talk about telling me how you really feel.
[I was trying to say that it was my fault because I broke my own rule. Improving Suzumiya’s luck meddled with their relationship. It was for the greater good, but in this outcome you were the only loser. That wasn’t fair.]
All three of them look at him like he’s sprouted two heads. ‘He’s… apologizing?’—they think at roughly the same time, the wording slightly different for each of them.
[If it’s so strange, I could refrain from ever doing so again.] He scowls.
“No no no!” Aiura is quick to mollify him, “It’s just— well it’s kinda weird, y’know? You didn’t even apologize for putting us in that time loop thing for so long. To do it over something like this is nice but it’s kinda…?” She looks to Akechi for help, but he’s lost in thought.
“It makes me want to throw up,” Toritsuka says. See if I apologize to you after this, you ungrateful pervert. “But I forgive you, I think. There’s other girls out there, right?” Not for you.
The incredulous pitying expressions he receives from everyone makes him drop back to the table, the groans of distress from before replaced with caterwauling whines. It almost brings a smile to Saiki’s face. That’s more like it.
“It’s over for me.” He says out loud this time, another sign that he’s not as beat up about it as he appears. He’s just trying to garner sympathy. Saiki is happy to ignore him and shoves a large spoonful of stir fry in his mouth to have even more of an excuse not to speak.
Aiura grimaces at the medium and then looks around for something else to talk about. “Oh, Tōcchi, are ya eating dessert already? Looks super cute! Can I get a bite?”
“I’m gonna die alone!” Toritsuka wails as Akechi deposits a handful of panda shaped cookies in her palms. “How am I still single when I have psychic abilities?! No girl should ever be afraid around me when I can protect them from evil spirits and whip their guardians into shape!” Tears stream cartoonishly from his eyes. It’s scary how you can do that on command.
“Ah, there are multiple flavors. The color differences between them are so slight I didn’t notice until the taste changed. Aiura-san, I think this slightly pinkish one has strawberry filling. I’m not very fond of artificial strawberry flavoring. Would you like it?”
“Totally!” Aiura cheers, taking what Akechi offers with a smile that’s too wide for the situation. “Thanks a bunch, these’re good. Kusuo, here, try this one.”
One of the cookies is bullied into his mouth, the acrylic nail on her pointer finger nearly stabbing his nostril. He thinks about scolding her or smacking her away, but… it’s quite good.
[Chocolate.] He hums as he chews.
“Who cares!” Toritsuka cries. “Are you guys really my friends?!”
Aiura doesn’t rise to the bait. “Huh? If you want one y’gotta use your words Toripori.”
“I’m not talking about the treats!” His voice reaches such a high shrill pitch, students from the table behind them cover their ears and send him nasty looks over their shoulders. “Comfort me! Tell me my soulmate’s out there waiting for me to sweep her off her feet, or something!”
“I already told you who your soulmate is, but you didn’t wanna listen.” Aiura drawls boredly. So it was a man then. That redefines a lot of Toritsuka’s past actions.
“Empty platitudes surely wouldn’t make you feel better, would they, Toritsuka-kun? They never make me feel better. Although, I can always tell when someone is lying so that might affect their usefulness…” Akechi taps his chin and then points at him triumphantly. “‘Good things come to those who wait!’ Did that affect your mood at all? If so, was it in a positive or negative way?”
Toritsuka wills more tears to his eyes and turns to the person in front of him.
[What are you looking at me for.]
“Aaahh!” Toritsuka buries his face in his hands and falls back in his chair, an elbow moving so sharply it almost smacks Aiura in the chin. “Whatever! You guys suck! I have more game than Nendō, so I’m satisfied for now!”
Saiki, unthinkingly, snorts.
The self-proclaimed Psykickers apparently hadn’t foreseen his reaction because they gawk at him in abject horror.
“Th-That’s a funny joke, Saiki-san. You uh, you gonna finish it?” Toritsuka asks, pupils shrunk to pin pricks and a thin sheen of sweat on his forehead. Why do you look like someone died?
“Yeah,” Aiura adds shakily. You too? Really?
[I didn’t say anything.]
“No way!” Aiura is the one to yell this time, “No Kusuo, you’re messing with us! He has to be, right Tōcchi?”
Akechi, for once, is at a loss for words. Even his thoughts are quiet. Scary.
Toritsuka tries to grab him by the shoulders, but he dislocates them so they’re out of reach. “Saiki-san, has Nendō dated someone?! NENDŌ?!” Wait… neither of you know? Wow. So much for being my powerful psydekicks. Café Mami’s manager might’ve been of more use to me after all. “HEY, I know you’re insulting us! Stop smiling like that and answer the question!”
Saiki dips his head in a light nod. The three of them are so frozen he briefly fears his glasses had slipped and pushes them further up his nose.
[Can I eat in peace now?]
“Absolutely not, are you kidding?! Tell us everything!” Aiura demands. She may not look it, but she’s a glutton for gossip. All three of them are, actually. It makes sense that they were the most dedicated to seeking out the truth about him. “Let sleeping dogs lie” doesn’t occur to people like them.
“Kusuo-kun,” Oh good, you’ve rebooted. “Nendō-kun’s relationship status is not new, am I right?” He pauses long enough to let Saiki nod. “Ah, it’s as I suspected. This isn’t about a past relationship or a recent one—Nendō-kun is currently with someone, and it’s been too long for it to be a fluke. For who it is…” Akechi does a sweep of the cafeteria while Aiura and Toritsuka watch in rapt silence, practically hanging off each other. “I see. It’s obvious when you know where to look. It’s your delusional classmate, correct?” That could be almost all of them. “Kaidō Shun, I believe his name was.”
“THE LITTLE CHIPMUNK GUY?!” “THE CHIHUAHUA VIRGIN?!”
[Harsh descriptors. He’s less of a virgin than you, Toritsuka.] They start to look horrified again, so he amends, [Kaidō gets embarrassed talking about holding hands. It wouldn’t be my business if they have done something like that, but I seriously doubt it. Either way he’s done more than you Mr. No-relationship-never-walked-anyone-home.]
“Mean, Saiki-san, I’m working on it! I-It’s a tough economy out there, okay!” You sound like my father.
“Waahh, that’s so weird.” Aiura is peering at Nendō and Kaidō through the circle of her pointer finger and thumb. “They look the same as always; not lovey dovey at all. And their auras aren’t shining any brighter or intertwining or anything. What kinda high schoolers are they? Don’t they wanna, like, enjoy their youth…?”
[Stupid ones. Kaidō doesn’t know.]
“SAIKI-SAN YOU CAN’T KEEP DROPPING BOMBSHELLS ON US!” Toritsuka is damn near pulling his hair out. “How could Kaidō not know he’s dating someone!? No one’s that stupid!”
“What’s this about Shun dating someone?” Kuboyasu asks with a laugh, suddenly at their table. ‘This guy who’s been yelling… he’s that slimy monk kid. What did Shun do to deserve his attention, huh? I’m gonna knock his fucking block off.’ His face betrays nothing. In fact, he looks happy to see them.
Saiki is about to privately tell Toritsuka to tread carefully, but he’s too late.
Toritsuka points at him. “Saiki-san said Kaidō is dating Nendō! He’s wrong, right? Tell me he’s wrong, uh—!” ‘Ah shoot, what was his name? He’s in my class now, I should know—!’
Lucky for him, Kuboyasu doesn’t care about that. ‘Saiki said something? No way, Saiki’s a quiet dude. Why’s he sitting with these guys anyway? They’re so damn loud and weird… not his scene at all.’
Do you think you and the rest are normal?
‘Oh. I get it. Using Saiki as a scapegoat ‘cause he’s too shy to talk back, huh? You’re gonna fucking rue the day you little punk—’
[He can’t tell you I’m wrong because I’m not.] Saiki says as nonchalantly as he can, effectively jumping in front of a bullet for Toritsuka of all people.
“Huh?” Kuboyasu reevaluates the situation and laughs again, genuinely this time. “Oh, are you doin’ a bit? Didn’t think you were in a joking mood today, Saiki.” That’s right… I did give you a nasty look at the shoe lockers this morning. In my defense, you were being annoying.
[I’m not joking.] Saiki pointedly breaks eye contact and continues eating.
Kuboyasu lets out a final, awkward chuckle, expecting Saiki to say more. When he doesn’t, his gaze drags over the other occupants of the table. Aiura is glued to her phone, appearing for all the world like she’s uninterested in the conversation when it’s the only thing on her mind. Akechi’s starting to turn purple from keeping his mouth shut. Toritsuka is still trying to remember his name.
“Uh… Saiki.” The former gangster’s mind is blank with confusion. “Bits aren’t s’posed to go this long.” ‘I gotta teach him comedic timing.’
[I already told you, I’m not joking.] He says, much firmer, giving the impression that he is annoyed with Kuboyasu for being misunderstood. (And he is, sort of. Just not as much as he’s letting on.)
Kuboyasu starts to sweat. ‘No. He’s playing around. There’s no way Shun and Nendō would— all Shun does is complain about him! There’s no way!’ “Okay…” ‘Maybe if I play along, he’ll knock it off?’ “Okay, when’d the happy couple tell you the good news, huh?” He smiles and jerks a thumb in Saiki’s direction as if to say “This guy”.
[They didn’t. Kaidō hasn’t noticed.]
‘That… sounds like Shun.’
Good grief, that’s because it is him. Listen to my words.
Kuboyasu looks back at his table. Kaidō is pink in the cheeks and reaching for a pudding cup that Nendō is holding high above his head. Kaidō is leaning so far over him that he’s almost in his lap, which is unusual for them. Nendō is laughing and Kaidō is yelling though, which is par for the course.
When Kuboyasu looks back at him, his head is about to explode. “No fucking way.”
Saiki exhales mournfully. I just wanted to finish my food so I could move on to dessert. Why is it always me that has to deal with this stuff? Meteors and volcanoes are fine, but relationship drama is a bridge too far! Leave me out of it already!
[I only noticed because they kept making me their third wheel. If you don’t believe me, why don’t you join them for ramen today instead of me?] He really is sick of how many not-dates he’s had to sit through. Kaidō, he knows, hasn’t noticed their relationship changing, but Nendō is a mystery. If he does know, he should know better than to—
Ah… but it’s Nendō. Of course he’d invite other people, oblivious or not.
“O–kay. Yeah, I’ll uh. Do that.” This shouldn’t be turning your world upside down. They’ve been acting the same. “Have a nice meal?”
[You too.]
Kuboyasu staggers away and Saiki finally finishes his rice. As he’s cracking open his coffee jelly, though, he feels a strange sense of foreboding. The first scoop of jelly dissolves on his tongue, its delicate bittersweet taste spreading across his mouth. He sighs blissfully.
I’m probably imagining things.
He’s with Nendō and Kaidō when it happens. It’s arguably the worst place to be and he’s ashamed he didn’t see it coming. This is a comedy after all, and the joke is always on him.
“What are you doing idiot, don’t stop walking in the middle of the hallway!” Kaidō kicks Nendō in the back of the knee with all of his strength, which is to say not much and Nendō’s leg barely bends.
“Isn’t that you Chibi?” Nendō points at something pinned to the wall and Saiki’s body fills with dread.
No. They graduated. It can’t be what I think it is.
“Huh?” Kaidō cranes his neck to look around Nendō’s arm. “HUH?!?”
『PK NEWS』
FIRST OPENLY “BL” COUPLE AT OUR SCHOOL?
The two spotted at the park at night… What romance could have been unfolding…?
Witness “T”-san tells all in Exclusive Interview!
Who. In God’s name. Decided to unearth the worst bit from our show? Am I being punished? Is this hell?
“Oh, that’s us.” Nendō finally realizes. “When’d you take that picture, Chibi?”
“I DIDN’T TAKE IT, MORON!” Kaidō is in hysterics. “Someone tailed us! Th-They’re lucky I had my third sight turned off o-or, or I would’ve sensed them and ripped them apart with my Domain Expansion, Maroon Menagerie!” He says in a dramatic pose, but he’s visibly trembling and he’s turned pale.
You can drop the act in this situation, I think. Besides, Gege is going to get angry with us if you come up with any more lame special moves.
“Oh? I thought your Domain Expander thing was ‘Bronze Occurrence Requiem’?” That one’s just lazy.
“I-I can have two!” Kaidō shrieks, drawing a crowd, “And who cares, why aren’t you freaking out?! Take this seriously, they’re spreading lies about us!” ‘And neither of us will ever get a girlfriend if people believe it—!’
No girl was going to date you regardless. Not for Yumehara’s lack of trying, you oblivious heartbreaker.
‘Is that them? So weird…’ ‘Kaidō I can understand if you ignore his annoying personality, but Nendō? Ugh, if I we were the last two people on earth I’d shoot myself.’ ‘Who would turn gay for that guy?’ ‘Something must be seriously wrong with Kaidō…’ ‘Maybe Kaidō’s being extorted or something. I wouldn’t put it past that guy to take advantage of him.’
Okay.
“Oh? Where you goin’ Partner?”
[Bathroom.] Time to find the person responsible and kill them.
Saiki steps into a stall, tunes out the outside noise, and waits.
‘…that paper was due today?! What am I gon…’
‘…how much longer? Ughhh I didn’t study…’
‘…stayed up all night writing. I’m so tired. At least it was worth it!’ You! ‘Once Take-kun knows how I feel, he’ll…’ Oh. Not you.
‘…Yes yes yes! I’m a hit!’ THERE. ‘I can’t believe my tweet got one hundred lik…’ Stop having misleading thoughts!
‘…they can’t disband the club now!’ Your waterpolo club, right? ‘For the next issue, we need to go bigger…’ Issue as in topic or problem, right? ‘We need to do that.’ That is frustratingly vague and I’m going to kill you regardless if you’re the culprit.
He teleports to an empty classroom near the source and finds it with ease, their thoughts crystal clear and their voice muffled behind the door of the Newspaper Club room. He fits his fingers in the handle and begins to slide it open when he hears it.
“W-Wait, isn’t that going too far?! Publishing the candids was one thing but using Photoshop is…” an unfamiliar voice peters out.
“Trust me Tora-chan!” A very familiar voice says, “People are reading it but they’re not believing it—we need to give them proof! Besides, even if the picture’s fake they’ve probably done it.”
The door slams open so hard the frame cracks and the girls scream. Briefly, he feels bad about the damage and for scaring them. Then he sees the filth on the computer between them—a grainy image clearly screencapped from a porn site.
“S-Saiki-senpai!?” Rifuta Imu squeaks, arms lowering from where they’d been raised protectively in front of her face. She is afraid for all of two seconds, then plants her hands on her hips and huffs angrily. “What’s the matter with you, why’d you break the door!”
He’s known her too long to care about feigning disinterest or staying out of her shenanigans. Besides, by making the newspaper club relevant again she’s just made things personal. He glares with every ounce of rage in his body.
[Why are you sticking your nose in other people’s business. Don’t you have anything better to do you worthless otaku.]
The other girl in the room yelps, affronted. “Don’t talk to Imu-chan like that!” Saiki’s never seen her before, which hopefully means she’s a mob character that he’ll never interact with again. If one more unusual person joins his group he might teleport to the bottom of the ocean and stay there.
Rifuta rolls her eyes, which is much too mild a reaction. “Don’t mind him Rutō, he’s always like this.” I’m positive I have never been this openly harsh with you. Are you just that good at reading people? Stop wasting your time on immoral schemes and enroll in the police academy. “Leave us alone, we’re not hurting anyone.”
If you can’t see how that can do harm, you’re beyond help. [I’m reporting you to the school board.]
The blood drains from their faces. “P-Please don’t!” To say Rutō demands it would be generous. She’s trembling so hard her chair is creaking and she’s tangling her fingers together to try to still her hands. “Without this club, I’ll…” ‘I can’t face Jouten-senpai if the principal shuts us down… she trusted me to keep it up and running after she graduated…’ “I won’t have—”
“Why do you care anyway!” Rifuta interrupts, poking a finger at Saiki’s chest. ‘Don’t look at me like that! It’s all your fault! Stealing Kokomi-senpai from me… if I can’t be happy, why do they…!’
Of course the regular cast member would have a more deplorable motive. Forget what he said about Rutō, she can stay if she replaces Rifuta.
[Some people care about their friends.] Admitting it leaves a bad taste in his mouth, but it has the intended effect. Rifuta’s thoughts take a guilty turn and Rutō starts thinking clearly for the first time in weeks.
‘She cares about me, right? If I really didn’t want to publish the article, she’d stop, right…?’
“I-Imu-chan I… I think publishing something like this is wrong. I want more people to join the club and I appreciate your help but th-this,” she swallows nervously, “This is too far. And it’s not even news, we’d just be attacking them. Our school doesn’t have a bullying problem and I don’t want to change that.” If you think bullying doesn’t exist here you haven’t met Saiko. Lucky you.
“But—!” Rifuta’s defenses are crumbling before she can even formulate them. “A rumor only lasts seventy-five days, so it wouldn’t be a big deal in the long run! And everyone will be dying to join our club if we have the best gossip. I’m doing you a favor!”
“It’s not ours. It’s mine.” Rutō says, suddenly cold. Good on you for finally growing a backbone.
Rifuta looks crestfallen. “I care about the club too, Tora-chan. I just wanted to help…” She tries, but Rutō is no longer accepting appeals to emotion. Looks like he’s cleaned this mess up. Now he can get back to handling more important, world-ending shenanigans.
He has his hand on the door when Rifuta speaks up again. “No, you’re right.” She sounds appropriately scolded and teary-eyed. “I was just bullying them because I was jealous. It’s not fair that those two can be together when I…” she buries her face in her hands and hiccups through a genuine sob. Saiki is starting to feel like some of this might actually be his fault.
“…We still have time to make it right. Let’s go take the first article down, Imu-chan.” Rutō’s voice maintains its sternness, but it’s softened at the edges.
Rifuta sniffles, “yeah.”
Saiki sighs, and opens the door for them to walk through. He might as well make sure they do it.
The walk to the appropriate hallway is five minutes long, and Shasutora Rutō takes the opportunity to introduce herself properly and apologize for making trouble. He learns against his will that the principal had threatened to disband their club for lacking members, and that she’s worried his next visit at the end of the month will be the final nail in the coffin. Saiki fundamentally disagrees with school newspapers… but he supposes he can pull some strings as long as Shasutora doesn’t turn back into a doormat.
The hallway is extremely crowded when they reach it, the article at the epicenter. It looks like Nendō and Kaidō aren’t here, which is a good thing. Some of the inside thoughts from before have now become whispered outside thoughts. Nendō doesn’t seem to care about other people’s opinions, but Kaidō is sensitive. Saiki knows it’d crush him.
Rifuta wipes her reddened eyes with Shasutora’s kitten patterned handkerchief. “I’ll take it down and take the blame, Tora-chan.” She plasters a smile on her face, but it’s weak. ‘I’m really the worst.’
Correct.
Shasutora is midway through thanking her when the crowd shifts, a chorus of gasps emanating from the other side of the hall. ‘…I knew the lunch room wasn’t as packed today, only three hundred and forty-one people greeted me and tried to sit at my table.’
I’m not even going to bother explaining how abnormal that is to you.
Her voice effortlessly cuts through the noise. Saiki can’t tell if that’s because he’s used to honing in on her or if she just has that effect on people. “What’s everyone talking about? Did something happen?” Her tone is appropriately intrigued while not giving the impression that she’s a gossip. Her inner voice on the other hand— ‘I sighed extra cutely while eating today! You should all be talking about that!’
She’s so self-important. Saiki hopes she never changes.
“O-Offu, Teruhashi-san!” A random guy exclaims, “W-We were just looking at the newspaper, they posted something really uhhh, interesting.” He snickers at his own word choice.
Teruhashi approaches the paper tacked on the wall and reads it silently, hands clasped politely in front of her. Her silence boldens the crowd.
“You don’t have to worry about stuff like this, Teruhashi-san,” A guy from year three class two insists. “Two guys together is weird but they’re probably the only ones at our school. I mean, you go here!” He says, as if that’s explanation enough. Which, it is, but Teruhashi’s persona hinges on not acknowledging her own beauty.
“What are you saying…?” She frowns deeply. She still looks like she’d belong on a magazine cover. “Why would I care if two guys dated? It’s not my business.”
The guy flounders. “Wh— I mean! It’s just that, you know, anyone that looks at you will be converted! Other girls are barely attractive, why would another guy be?”
“If you don’t find girls or guys attractive, I think that’s a different thing.” She replies patiently. ‘Everyone knows not to gush about me to my face! Do you want me to ruin my charm point by bragging about how pretty I am?! You’d all lose interest, moron!’
“I just—!”
“And you shouldn’t be making fun of them or calling them weird. That’s horrible.” The energy is sucked out of the room. Some members of the crowd are thinking about killing themselves for ever making Teruhashi unhappy. “Besides… don’t you think it’s kind of sweet? Our school is so nice, anyone can find love here…” she sighs wistfully, as if she too is looking for love.
“Y-You’re, You’re right!” Someone shouts. “We should congratulate them!” Kaidō would prefer you leave him alone, but that’s better than shoving him in a trashcan I guess.
‘Kokomi-senpai… to do all that for me…’ Rifuta is in tears again, incredibly grateful that she didn’t have to risk her reputation. ‘I promise I won’t ever do anything bad again!’
It wasn’t for you. But I’ll let you think that if it makes you behave.
“Ku-chan, breakfast!”
The morning after is a Saturday, and Mom let him sleep in till nine. He’s well-rested, and he doesn’t have to deal with any school or club problems for two whole days. Saiki pulls himself out of bed, patting his hair down and straightening his pajamas before heading down the stairs. The entire lower floor smells like pancakes, vanilla, and coffee. He could cry.
When he reaches the bottom of the stairs, he sees his parents standing next to each other at the kitchen counter, facing away from him.
[Good morning. What are you hiding?]
Before their thoughts can register, they turn around. A confetti cannon explodes in his face. His mother is holding a plate of large fluffy pancakes that are decorated with horizontal stripes of strawberries, orange slices, mango cubes, kiwi slices, blueberries, and blackberries. A sparkler is sticking out of the center.
[It’s not my birthday.] He doesn’t even like oranges or kiwis that much.
Kuniharu readies another confetti cannon and Saiki crushes it with telekinesis before he can set it off. “Kusuo, that was nine hundred yen!” Cheap.
[More importantly it was loud and annoying.]
“Be nice to your father,” Kurumi admonishes lightly, though she internally agrees the cannons were a little much. “He was excited to put this together for you.”
[Okay.] They stare at him blankly.
“That’s it? You’re not happy?” Kuniharu asks incredulously.
[Yippee. I love fruit. Thanks.]
“Sound a little more genuine!” He scolds, holding out a newspaper article. “It’s a historic day, you know!” No. No more articles. Why does God want to ruin my perfect weekend? But the headline is huge and bold and impossible to ignore.
GROUNDBREAKING SAME-SEX MARRIAGE RULING!
Oh. Well. Maybe he’d been overreacting when he said it’d ruin it.
[Do I get to eat my breakfast if I say ‘Yay gay people’?]
The sparkler runs out. Saiki picks some of the multi-colored confetti out of his hair.
“No, but… don’t you have something to say…?” Kurumi sets the plate down on the table.
[…Thank you for cooking?] His manners aren’t that bad, are they? He doesn’t usually forget to thank her for the things she does.
“Honey, maybe we should just leave him be.” Kuniharu urges, hands on her shoulders. “He’s probably tired.” ‘That website said not to rush it…’
“R-Right! Um, do you need syrup, Ku-chan?” ‘I hope he’s not mad at us… we just wanted him to know we love him…’
Saiki pauses, a blackberry speared on his fork. Strawberries, oranges, mangos, kiwis, blueberries, blackberries. Rainbow confetti.
[I am not gay.]
They both panic.
“W-We weren’t saying you were!” Kurumi frantically waves her hands, nearly knocking a pan off the stove. ‘He’s not interested in Kokomi-chan… if he doesn’t like boys, is there a third option? I don’t care about grandchildren that much, but I don’t want my baby to be lonely…’
“We read up on it, it’s okay if you’re one of the other alphabet letters!” ‘He probably thinks we’re too old to get it…! Your father knows what pansexual means now, Kusuomon, you can talk to me!’
This is all Toritsuka’s fault.
[Teruhashi and I have been dating for two months.] And twenty days.
Kuniharu drops his coffee mug and it shatters all over the floor. Neither of them pay it any mind.
“TWO MONTHS?!” His father shrieks, “Do you love us at all?! Why didn’t you say anything sooner!”
[It didn’t come up.]
The yelling that ensues gives Saiki such a bad headache he almost thinks his premonition power is acting up. He doesn’t know peace for the rest of the weekend, and then on Monday, he has to spend every waking moment trying to drag Kaidō out of Denial City. On Tuesday, his mother tells him to invite Teruhashi to a family dinner on Friday. On Wednesday, he’s told Kūsuke has been invited and has to skip school to stop his resulting psychotic rampage. Thursday is spent with Kaidō again, and when Friday comes he finds Kūsuke has brought fucking Teruhashi Makoto as his date.
The next time Saiki sees Toritsuka, he’s going to psychically fold him twenty-two times and put him in a manilla folder for the rest of his days.