Work Text:
Atuat looking at herself in the mirror, she wears a lovely blue dress that Hei-Ran bought her not long ago. Tonight her girlfriend invited her for dinner with her teammates. Hei-Ran is a professional motorcycle racer and she just claimed victory in Ba Sing Se Grand Prix so they’re all celebrating it today. This season is her comeback year, Hei-Ran missed the rest of the season last year because of her injuries.
Atuat is a doctor, she met Hei-Ran when she got injured badly because of a fatal crash. The year they met, Hei-Ran crashed a lot, almost in every race she participated in. Atuat is the one who treated her. They became close since then, she was just like Hei-Ran’s personal caretaker.
She already told Hei-Ran that she will be there after work, so she left early to take a shower and change her clothes. Not forgetting a bouquet of Hei-Ran’s favorite flower, fire lilies. She always gave her girlfriend a bouquet of fire lilies everytime she finished a race.
Luckily the restaurant that they picked is not far from the apartment. After she’s done, she walks out and quickly gets into a cab.
When she arrived at the restaurant, she assumed Hei-Ran’s whole teammates booked the place since she didn’t see anyone else. She’s looking around and then caught a glimpse of a tall man waving excitedly at her, and pointing at his table. It was Junsik, the Crew Chief of Hei-Ran’s team and also her best friend.
Atuat walked closely to him, Junsik greeted her cheerfully. “Atuat! Finally you’re here! We’ve been waiting for you” He gave her a quick hug
“Sorry if I’m late, I’m trying to leave earlier though” Junsik pulled a chair and let Atuat sit.
He shook his head and sat across her
“It’s okay. We just got here 15 minutes ago. Hei-Ran is in the bathroom, she will be back soon. And don’t worry, this time she didn’t break any bones. I make sure of it”
Junsik know how worried Atuat is about Hei-Ran whenever she had a race. It’s not like she doesn’t trust her girlfriend, she’s a great rider and a professional but that doesn’t mean a crash will never happen. It’s unavoidable sometimes no matter how perfect the preparation was.
Atuat chatted a bit with Junsik about the race today while drinking, killing the time waiting for her girlfriend. Until someone wrapped her hands around her from behind and gave her a quick peck.
Hei-Ran is not the type of person who always does physical touch in public. But if it’s around the people that are close to her, she doesn’t mind. She sat next to Atuat and smiled at her.
“Congratulations for the first place darling” She gave her the fire lilies bouquet, Hei-Ran took it and smiled happily.
“I won’t succeed without your support” She gave her a smirk.
“And also my amazing team, especially my Crew Chief over here that’s currently third wheeling” Hei-Ran gave a nod toward Junsik and he laughed.
“Aww I forgot that you’re also here Junsik” Atuat said jokingly
“Nah go on continue doing what you guys are doing I’m just gonna pretend I’m in another dimension” Junsik answered
“You need to get laid. Do you want me to set you up with someone?” Atuat asked, her question made Junsik choked on his food
“What the hell?!” Junsik half shouted in disbelief
“What? I’m just here to help you out. You’re too focused on your job, no time to hangout or whatever. You’re gonna die old and lonely” Hei-Ran chuckled at her words.
“She’s right, you know. Besides, you’re a catch. Everyone wants to have a chance with you”
Hei-Ran isn't wrong, Junsik is good looking and a sweet guy, Atuat knows a lot of people adore him. But he seems like he enjoyed his life not being committed to anyone.He’s always busy taking care of the team, especially Hei-Ran.
Junsik chewed his food and swallowed it before answering.
“No thanks ladies, I’m all good, really”
"By the way did you know what caused Jiwon’s crash? It was awful”
“There was a crash?”
“Yes darling, a fatal one” Hei-Ran answered Atuat’s question.
Atuat knows this type of ‘activity’ has a risk, and it’s not the first time she heard a story about an awful fatal crash. But somehow it still horrified her. She just worried it would happen to her girlfriend again.
“Jiwon’s crash happened because of a worsening gearbox issue. His team analyzed it and they already released a statement to the media that it was caused by human error” Junsik explained
“Human error?” Hei-Ran asked raising an eyebrow in disbelief
“Yeah that’s all I heard. They didn’t say much about it”
“He was literally running in the second place but then slowing down onto the final lap before causing him to crash out seconds later at turn 1 and then-”
As much as Atuat loves to spend time with her girlfriend and her friend, she can’t help the feeling of being left out. Even though both Hei-Ran and Junsik are always trying to involve Atuat in the conversation, she doesn’t understand half of the things they talked about. Atuat is a doctor, she doesn’t know anything about motorcycle engines or what the hell a gearbox is. So she just keeps drinking while nodding and throwing an ‘ohh’ and ‘well that sounds about right’ here and there.
They continue to talk about the race event today. and it’s almost midnight already. Atuat and Hei-Ran excuse themselves and leave earlier than Junsik and the rest of the team.
“You know, at first I was upset I can’t attend your race today but now I’m kind of relieved I didn’t have to see the crash in front of my eyes,'' Atuat said while drying her hair, she just finished showering.They arrived at their apartment half an hour ago.
Hei-Ran looked at her
“Honey, you've seen worse. Remember three years ago when you attended the Ember Island Motorcycle GP? There was this one rider with a highside crash and his body was thrown off the bike and to the other side?”
“Yup could never forget that one. I still remember that scene vividly” Atuat winces a bit imagining that awful crash.
“Luckily, his body was thrown to the other side, not on the same path of oncoming riders behind him. If that happened and they’re unable to prevent a collision, they could run over him and… he could get killed” Hei-Ran explanation doesn’t make Atuat feel any better, and she could sense that her girlfriend was looking at her with horror.
“And of course that would never happen to me. Ever since I spent the last three years with fatal injuries, I have worked harder to maintain a forward focus. Patience, persistence, and-”
“And a good luck kiss from me before you go, that’s basically what makes you alive until this day” Atuat said and Hei-Ran chuckled.
“Yes.. that too” Atuat came closer to Hei-Ran who sat on their bed, she lay her head on Hei-Ran’s lap and closed her eyes for a moment.
Hei-Ran has been busy lately during the moto gp season and they barely have time together, just the two of them. Hei-Ran plays with Atuat’s hair and smiles slightly seeing her girlfriend’s peaceful face.
“I know you’re worried about me, but I’ve learned from my mistakes and make sure it won’t happen again. I’m aware that some crash are unavoidable if we can’t think quick and anticipate but, please have faith in me”
“I know babe, and it’s not like I’m doubting you or anything,” Atuat replied quitely, slowly drifting to sleep.
“Right and I have such a good team. Especially Junsik, he’s the best Crew Chief I’ve ever worked with”
Atuat’s eyes shot open when she heard Junsik’s name being mentioned. She looked up and noticed how Hei-Ran was slightly smiling while talking about him. Her grumpy girlfriend rarely shows any positive reaction towards someone else.
“You only work with one Crew Chief in your entire career, hon” She couldn’t help but throw sarcastic remarks. Atuat’s comment made Hei-Ran stop playing with her girlfriend’s hair and sat up tight fixing her posture.
“He was a data analyst and electronic engineer who works for Sun Warriors, but transitioned to become a Crew Chief” Seriously, Atuat couldn't care less about that dude’s job desk before and after, he always seems like doing everything.
“Yeah and you are the one who promoted him to that position right after you scored a podium in the GP and signed with The Academy so I wasn’t wrong when I said he’s the only Crew Chief you’ve ever had in your entire career as a professional motorcycle racer” Atuat made sure to emphasize the ‘professional’ pronunciation.
“Well that’s because he’s the most compatible one and I trust him enough to be a part of my team, to be by my side since then and until now”
Something about how Hei-Ran’s words of choice to praise Junsik made her heart sank. She noticed how much Hei-Ran adores him and it made her feel somewhat…. Insecure.
Junsik and Hei-Ran have been friends since high school. He’s also the one who encourages her to pursue her dream to become a professional motorcycle racer, ever since Hei-Ran was just a new racer at the 125cc Championship.
She understands how much impact Junsik has on Hei-Ran’s life. He was on her side from the beginning. His devotion to this ‘job’ is unparalleled, always making sure the motorcycle Hei-Ran uses is in a good condition, paying every detail on the engine, discussing the race strategies perfectly, always working long hours to prepare everything. Willing to sacrifice his personal life for it. For her. For Hei-Ran.
Is it true that his devotion is solely to be professional or is it because of Hei-Ran? Is he gonna be this committed if he’s working for someone else?
Hei-Ran noticed her girlfriend is lost on her thoughts
“Oww! What is wrong with you?!” Atuat grimace.
Hei-Ran just flicked her forehead and it was enough to snap her out of her thoughts.
“Spill it out” Hei-Ran said without budging
“Spill what out?” Atuat rubbing her forehead. That finger flick hurts quite a bit
“What’s on your mind? You literally so lost on your thoughts I was babbling to myself for the last three minutes, you’re not even listening” Hei-Ran explained.
“Nothing. I was just… tired so my mind was blank for a good three minutes” Atuat answered, avoiding eye contact.
“You think I’m buying that?” Hei-Ran feels unsatisfied with Atuat’s answer
“You can crack my brain open if you’re curious enough” Atuat sat up and changed her position, now completely laying down but facing another direction, unable to meet those bronze eyes that were staring at her intensely.
“Atuat, you can always tell me anything” Hei-Ran tried again. She knew Atuat was hiding something.
“I’m fine, really. I’m just tired and I know you too. So now let’s just sleep okay? Tomorrow is gonna be a long day” Atuat answered, still not facing her girlfriend.
“Alright then good night” Atuat only hummed as a response. Hei-Ran gives up, forcing an answer out of her stubborn girlfriend won’t give a good result so she lays down and turns to the other side. They are sleeping back to back tonight.
Hei-Ran spent the next few days preparing for another race, she became busier and only came home to sleep and leave early in the morning.
Today is no different though, Atuat knows Hei-Ran is gonna come home late again. At least that’s what she thought until she entered their apartment and more than four people occupied their living room. It’s Hei-Ran’s team.
She saw Jianzhu, the data analyst who’s currently in a serious conversation with Kelsang, the track engineer and two other young men that Atuat keeps forgetting their names. Bunch of papers scattered around the table.They’re too deep in their conversation they didn’t even realize her existence.
“Well hello people who doesn’t live here”
The guys looked up when they heard Atuat’s voice and greeted her. Kelsang came closer. The two young men followed and shook her hands. Jianzhu just nodded politely and went back to his papers. Atuat frowned at him, she doesn’t like that sour faced man.
“I’m sorry for the mess, we’ll clean up right after this I promise” Kelsang said apologetically while scratching the back of his bald head.
“Just pay me back with dinner. I’m hungry and tired”
“That can be done in a few minutes. They’re cooking something in the kitchen” before Atuat turned her gaze to the kitchen, Hei-Ran came up to her and gave a quick kiss.
“We’re making sea prunes. Your favorite” She said while tucked Atuat’s hair behind her ear and drag her to the kitchen Atuat raised her eyebrow and follows her girlfriend
“Who’s we here cause none of your team members can cook that”
“I take that as an insult, doctor” Atuat turned at the source of that voice. A tall and buffy handsome man holds a bowl of her favorite food while smirking.
“Kuruk?!” She said in disbelief. It’s been awhile since the last time she saw him.
“What’s with that tone? You don’t like that I'm here?” Kuruk said playfully.
He placed that bowl on the dining table and came closer to her and Hei-Ran.
“No buddy it’s just been how long? 2 years since we met? And you’re still alive?” Kuruk laughed at her response.
“Yeah, about two or three years, I didn’t travel a lot”
“Kuruk is staying in the North to enjoy his retirement life, “ Hei-Ran said and took a seat at the dining chair.
Kuruk was a professional motorcycle racer too just like Hei-Ran. But he retired with honor at such a young age. He was 33 when he decided to step down and leave his career behind, it was 8 years ago.
Him and Hei-Ran used to be in the same team under The Academy, that’s why they’re friends and Atuat bonds with him easily, maybe because they both came from Northern Water Tribe.
“You didn’t tell me you invited all your team here and even Kuruk?” Atuat said and joined her girlfriend, sitting next to her.
“Take a look at your phone” Atuat checked her purse and took her phone out. Dead.
“Well I forgot to charge it”
“Exactly. I tried to call to inform you about this… meeting. Kuruk joined us because he currently staying here in the Capital City” Hei-Ran explained
“We’re visiting Ummi’s cousin, and I feel like it’s a good time for a reunion too. Now try this, I heard you said you were hungry” Kuruk asked Atuat to try his home made sea prune. A traditional water tribe dish.
“Why didn’t you bring your wife and son here?” Atuat asked and began to eat her favorite dish. It’s tasty. She didn’t know Kuruk is a good cook.
“And let you guys spill all my bad behavior back then when I was still riding so you and my wife can gang up to roast me? No thanks”
“You’re no fun! I want to let your son knows how much of a slob his dad was” Hei-Ran added
“Hey! I wasn’t a slob!” Kuruk defended himself
They catch up on each other's lives. Sharing their stories and laughing when they bring up nostalgic memories.
Atuat can notice how happy Kuruk is after he gets married and has a child. He looks more radiant and full of positive energy, his retirement from the Moto GP led him into his true happiness, his own little family. They continued to talk for a few minutes until they heard someone coming.
“That must be Junsik huh?” Kuruk said. Hei-Ran got up from her seat and greeted her Crew Chief.
Atuat didn’t even notice his absence, it seems like Hei-Ran’s team is more fun without his existence. She heard Junsik greeting Kuruk, and also her. She doesn’t know why Kuruk’s sea prune seems less tasty once Junsik entered the room so she stopped eating and just nodded at him.
“What took you so long?” Hei-Ran asked impatiently
“Apparently you’re not the only one who craves Shui Zhu Elephant Koi, and Flaming Fire Flakes. The waiting line is longer than usual” Junski said while handing out the dish to Hei-Ran.
“We still have some fire flakes,” Atuat said. She remembers that her girlfriend’s favorite snack is still being kept in the top counter.
“I know, but my favorite restaurant sells this too.. It’s a different one. Junsik live near that place so i asked him to buy that and also this!” Hei-Ran happily said while showing her the Shui Zhu Elephant Koi. It’s a fish filet poached in seasoned water and topped with Fire Nation spices. Hei-Ran’s favorite dish. She takes no time to eat, not forgetting to thank Junsik before she goes for the first bite.
“You can just ask me to cook that,” Atuat said bitterly. Hei-Ran noticed her girlfriend’s tone and stopped eating.
“Yes I can. But I know you’re tired and the dish itself took a lot of time to finish so it’s better to order it” Hei-Ran said while smiling at her girlfriend, Atuat’s heart melted.
Maybe she was being too harsh. Her jealousy took a toll on her and she accidentally became mean not only to her girlfriend but to everyone. Maybe Junsik is just being a nice friend. And maybe she’s just overthinking about this whole situation.
She feels guilty. So she wrapped her arms around Hei-Ran's shoulders and kissed her cheek. “You’re right. Sorry I didn’t mean to be a bitch” Atuat said, and Hei-Ran just chuckled.
Kuruk clears his throat, clearly reminding them that he doesn’t want to be a third wheel here.
“So when’s the Fire Nation Royal Grand Prix gonna be held?” He asked and take a seat in front of Atuat
“July 23rd. Exactly a week from now” Junsik answered, he seems more comfortable leaning to the wall rather than joining them in the dining table.
“No break for you then” Kuruk said directly to Hei-Ran
“Not just me though but everyone. I haven’t checked the standings by the way, did you have it?” Hei-Ran asked Junsik and he clicked on his tablet that Atuat didn’t even realize he'd been holding this entire time and gave it to Hei-Ran.
“You’re in fourth place and uhh Hui is seventh which is not that bad for him. Jiianzhu sent this to me the other day.” Junsik explained. Hei-Ran takes a look at the ranks.
“Wait, Hui the Earth Kingdom guy that you recruited to join the team after Kuruk retired?” Atuat asked. She met that Hui guy before in Gaoling for the Beifong Grand Prix of Earth Kingdom a year ago.
“Not exactly me who recruits him. But anyways he’s also my rider and The Academy offers him a contract not long after Kuruk left, and so far he’s doing good” Junsik explained
“He has 0 wins but scored 2 podiums, you’re far better than him” Hei-Ran said to Kuruk, complimenting her former team mate and then continued busied herself looking at Junsik’s tablet and analyzing the ranks.
And the conversation continues circling around the GP. Mostly just Hei-Ran and Junsik discussing their preparations, Kuruk just listening and only giving his comments for a bit, and Atuat just busied herself eating her sea prune. She’s hungry anyway.
They’re done eating and Atuat cleaned up the mess and washed dishes. Kuruk already left and joined Kelsang and Jianzhu in the living room. Hei-Ran and Junsik are still talking, now he’s sitting in front of her. His knees probably gave up from standing too long. Atuat is about to excuse herself to go to bed because she’s tired and a bit sleepy but then she hears Junsik’s voice.
“Alright then just prepare yourself. Thursday we starts the gear up, podcast and also press conference”
“I got it”
“Wait, you’re doing the press conference this Thursday?” Atuat asked and turn to face her girlfriend and the Crew Chief
“Yes…” Hei-Ran gave her an expression like asking ‘what’s wrong with that?’
“You didn’t tell me”
“I did!”
“No you didn’t!” Atuat swears in the name of the Moon Spirits that Hei-Ran didn’t tell her about this upcoming schedule. Thursday is Atuat’s day off and she was planning to take her girlfriend out for dinner to her favorite restaurant. The same restaurant that Junsik just bought her dinner from.
“Even if I don’t, what is it then? You already know the press conference gonna be held three days before the race” Hei-Ran rolling her eyes, clearly annoyed with what she thought was unnecessary bickering.
Atuat lost her patience after seeing her girlfriend’s reaction and stormed out of the kitchen, accidentally bumped Kuruk on her way to her shared bedroom with Hei-Ran. She didn’t even bother to apologize or answer when Kuruk asked her what’s happening.
“You should go and talk to her. I’ll tell the boys to leave and continue our work tomorrow” Junsik said while looking at Hei-Ran. She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. The stress and pressure she carried through this session already drained her energy. Junsik can sense Hei-Ran’s frustration. He leans slightly and pat her shoulder.
“It’s going to be okay, you’ve got this. Just don’t be too hard on yourself” Junsik gave her a warm smile before he got up and left her alone.
This year was tough. This is the 10th race she participated in and she only managed to get 1 win. It took her 10 races to finally get a victory, and she’s not even leading in the rank. It’s a setback, she knows it is.
This season is her comeback. She is supposed to get as much victory as she can as a payback after she crashed 15 times last year and missed the rest of the season because of her injuries. If it’s not because of Atuat’s magical hand she knows she won’t survive or recover quickly.
Realistically speaking, she knows she is already past her prime. It’s been 14 years and as years went by there are new racers that are more competitive, smart, and younger than her. They still have a long career path they can improve.
Hei-Ran is the first female racer to compete in the MotoGP. And years after she became one of the best professional motorcycle racers, other women were able to join and compete in. One of them is a Water Tribe racer named Tagaka, though she didn’t even get into the top 10 rank.
She knows no one is yelling in her ears and forcing her to score as many wins as she can. Even The Academy didn’t pressure her. And also her team, even though she gave her mechanics horrible nightmares after all the crash and damage, they never once showed her any disrespect.
She’s grateful for the team. Especially Junsik. He’s not just her Crew Chief, he’s the staff sergeant, team mechanics, father figure, her therapist, her best friend. He’s one of the reasons why Hei-Ran is still standing strong despite the amount of pressure she faced this year.
But that’s what makes her feel guilty lately. She should’ve given her team lots of wins in her comeback season but she’s unable to do that. And she hates herself for it. She can’t talk to anyone about it. It’s hard to open up about her struggle when everyone knows her as a flawless, strong, and perfectionist public figure.
So Hei-Ran spends her freetime riding alone. Even when there’s no official schedule or training, she goes for a ride around the city. Not a fast ride, she drove her motorcycle slowly, enjoying the view she passed by. The only time she can take things slow is when no one’s around, no one’s watching her movement, no one’s judging her accuracy when cornering, no one’s cheering her to go faster. It can calm her down for a while.
After she heard the boys saying goodbye and leaving, she got up from her seat. She needs to shake off these thoughts and tame her sulky girlfriend.
Atuat hugged her knees to her chest, tears streaming down her face. This is not Hei-Ran’s first race, this is not the first time she had to deal with Hei-Ran’s busy schedule during the MotoGP season, this is not their first time to spend less time with each other because of one’s busy schedule.
But she doesn’t know why this year feels like hell to her. Hei-Ran being focused and prioritizing the race is one thing, cause she’s always been like that, a perfectionist who will maximize her effort to reach her goal. But the fact that she feels like Hei-Ran keeps pushing her away. She spends more time away from home even when she has no schedule.
It’s true Atuat can’t remember every single schedule her girlfriend has. She might forget one or two, but she knows enough when the big event or important schedule is.
She doesn’t know how long she has been crying, she’s tired so she lays down and puts on her blanket. And when she hears the bedroom door opened, she knows it’s Hei-Ran. Who else would it be?
Her footsteps are getting closer, she can feel her girlfriend sitting on the edge of the bed. But she didn’t say anything. Neither of them utter any words.
“I’m sorry” Hei-Ran broke the silence.
She sounds both sincere and hurt. Honestly Atuat wants to get up and give her a hug, stroke her cheek and kiss her deeply but her ego forbids her. So she just hid under the blanket.
“Atuat I’m really sorry” now her tone sounds like she demand Atuat to answer or speak to her
“For what?” Atuat finally spoke
“For everything” Hei-Ran said, her voice low. She sounds unsure.
“Everything?”
“Everything I said or did that get you mad I’m-”
“See you don’t even know what you did wrong!” Atuat suddenly gets up and throws the blanket.Hei-Ran looks startled with her flippancy. The shocked look on her porcelain face only lasted for two seconds, it quickly turned into an enraged expression.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Hei-Ran asked
“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you?! You’ve been avoiding me for weeks even when you have no schedule to do so. Where were you?!”
Wasted my gas by riding around the city to cope up with stress
Hei-Ran didn’t say it out loud and kept the answer by herself, hoping her girlfriend would understand her silence. But Atuat is not a mind reader, and she took her silence as a sign for hiding something. So she stormed out of their bedroom, leaving her girlfriend to cry in silence.
It’s the day of the press conference, ever since their last fight. Hei-Ran and Atuat didn't talk that much. Both of them are busy with their own jobs and barely have time to sit and have a conversation together.
Hei-Ran woke up early, she always has. But today she got up from bed earlier than usual, Atuat can hear her voice in the living room. She checked the time, It’s 5 in the morning.
Who is she talking to?
Atuat got out of their shared bedroom and found Hei-Ran in the living room with two empty cups of coffee on the table. She’s not sure if her girlfriend even had a blink of sleep last night. She walks closely but not close enough for Hei-Ran to notice her existence.
She can see her girlfriend talking to someone on the phone while writing something on the paper, the conversation is on the loudspeaker to make it easier to talk with the person while finishing her writing. Also easier for Atuat to hear their conversation.
“-to 35 minutes just like usual” Her jaw clenched hearing Junsik’s voice
“Right. I’ll be as less grumpy as possible facing the reporters, don't worry” Hei-Ran answered.
She heard Junsik laugh. And she noticed Hei-Ran laughed after hearing his laugh even though her hands were still busy writing and her eyes were still fixed on her papers.
“Just relax and don’t think too much”
“As if I didn’t try to do that everyday”
“It’s okay to take things slowly” Hei-Ran stopped writing and put her pen down.
“This year is supposed to be my year, my comeback, I should’ve made progress” Atuat can sense Hei-Ran’s frustration through her voice.
“Hei-Ran, you’re able to boost from thirteenth to fourth little by little since two years ago. If that’s not progress then what is it?” There's silence. Hei-Ran didn’t say anything back and just stare at her phone
“Like what I’ve said, it’s okay to take things slowly. What’s important is for you to have fun on the circuit again and feel comfortable, without pressure. Create a good base again to boost your confidence, from there you can figure out to fight for top positions. Try to have a solid season little by little. You can do it”
Hei-Ran felt reassured by his confident tone and soft voice. Atuat couldn’t help but notice how her girlfriend seems happier with another person, a man, and her heart sank.
Because Hei-Ran doesn’t know. No one actually knows that Atuat’s biggest fear in their relationship is being replaced by a man. Not to mention if the man is someone close to Hei-Ran, a man that’s been a huge part in her whole life, her career, one of her big supporters.
Junsik is everything, and Hei-Ran only has a coward as a girlfriend.
Unlike her girlfriend who looks happy and relaxed after her talk with Junsik, Atuat sighed deeply. Her shoulders slumped as she walked away.
Today is the Pre-Event Press Conference Day. Just like usual, it was aired on tv. Atuat can’t accompany Hei-Ran because of work, she didn’t even promise if he could make it to watch the qualifying or the race. Hei-Ran seemed disappointed when she heard that but didn’t say anything or beg her to come. Do they finally talk and settle their problem? Not really. Atuat can’t say that they actually kiss and make up. They just forget all the fights and act like nothing happened.
So she just turned on the tv while cleaning the house. She didn’t bat an eye when another racer was being interviewed and just continued her work. That lasted for 20 minutes until she heard Hei-Ran’s name being mentioned. She walked to the living room. Her girlfriend sat with another two racers that she didn’t even know their names. Judging from their looks, One guy is from the Earth Kingdom and the other must be from the Southern Water Tribe.
They asked several questions to the racers, from their preparations, their goals and everything.
“Hei-Ran, what’s the secret to have an amazing connection with your team and letting the communication flow? How is it like being in The Academy Office?" The interviewer asked
“To let the communication flow is by spending time with the team. After 15 years with The Academy, even a look is enough to communicate. Like synergy without words. We can understand each other really well. That’s where our connection is from”
“This year is your comeback season. Are there any challenges before you get back on track?”
“Well the main challenge for me is to improve and make progress. But then again after three years marked by crash and injuries, I feel like I need to create a good base to gain my confidence back, to have fun on the circuit and feel comfortable, from there I could fight for the top position. I want to take things slowly”
That’s the same thing Junsik told her on the phone.
“Do you think this year could be your year?”
“It doesn’t have to be. But I will try to create my own year. My main focus is to have a solid season little by little. Although of course if we win it’s gonna be a lot better but as of these days, it’s not the most realistic expectations and it’s okay. We’ll try to made progress and make sure it doesn’t stop throughout the season”
Atuat realized how much of an impact Junsik had on Hei-Ran. He can give her reassurance, something that Atuat can’t provide her. She didn't even know her girlfriend was struggling until she heard their conversation last night. She wishes she could understand her better, to see through the wall that Hei-Ran built to protect her image, to be more sensitive to notice the change in her behavior.
Junsik can boost her confidence with ease, something that Atuat failed to do. All she did was yell at her face to make things worse. And she hates herself for it.
Atuat watched the race but she didn’t attend it. She watched through the TV when the Earth Kingdom racer that was being interviewed with Hei-Ran was able to pass her at turn 3, and there were still 10 laps to go. Hei-Ran fought with him for 3 laps until she passed through him and won. Everyone was happy.
She saw Hei-Ran surrounded by her team. And then Junsik comes closer, he pats Hei-Ran on the shoulder while muttering something like congratulatory words that made Hei-Ran smile. She pulled him into a hug. And then they talked for a bit.
Atuat just stares at them. They look so good together, working together, understanding each other, they look so good as a…. Whole. Atuat smiles bitterly. She can’t keep doing this, watching the love of her life look happy with someone else.. when she’s supposed to be the one who brings her smile back. It destroys her. And she didn’t want to destroy herself even further.
She picks up a bouquet of flowers that she prepared for the love of her life, a congratulatory gift that she always gives her after the race. She stared at the fire lilies and smiled bitterly.
Hei-Ran and her team are having dinner at her favorite restaurant. They celebrate her victory once again. She enjoyed the atmosphere. She can finally find the base to gain more confidence in this season. She can’t stop grinning. This is the happiest she ever felt this year. But her happiness isn’t complete without Atuat beside her. She wished she could come today, she wants to show her girlfriend that the strong and confident Hei-Ran is back. She will never disappoint her ever again.
“Hei-Ran” Kelsang called for her, he came closer while holding a bouquet of flowers.
“The waiter told me a courier dropped this. They say it’s for you” He gives her the flowers. The moment she saw the fire lilies her face lit up with excitement. She knows who sent it to her.
“Thanks Kelsang”
She takes a look at her favorite flowers and smiles brightly. Atuat never forgot to prepare a bouquet of fire lilies for her after the race. She realized there’s a letter attached to it. Of course, Atuat always included a letter full of cringe poems or a long speech of her apologizing that she can’t attend the race. Hei-Ran enjoyed reading every single one of it. She even keep all the letters Atuat wrote to her.
Hei-Ran chuckled while opening the letter, she couldn't wait to see what her girlfriend wrote for her this time.
My Dear Hei-Ran,
Congratulations for the win. I’m very proud of you and the way you’re able to take steps forward and back on your feet again. I know you’ll shine again, you always meant to be. I know in the past three years things have not been easy for you. You suffered a lot of pain. Both the pain that I can heal and the ones that I can’t help.
I wish I was smarter and more sensitive, I wish I could figure out everything earlier. I wish I could be better. But also, I wish you shared your struggle with me and opened up about it. I’m not just your girlfriend, I’m also your best friend, your life partner. I’m not a stranger to you.
But if you feel more comfortable to share your stories to someone else, then so be it. Maybe you trust him better than I do. You have every right.
I realized as days went by, the person who was there for you, to help and guide you until you find your way back and rebuild your strength wasn’t me. It was never me since the beginning. I’m sorry that I was never enough for you. You deserve all the best things in life, and someone like Junsik is one of them.
You’ve found your true happiness, Hei-Ran. And it wasn’t me. Thank you for everything, you’re the best thing that ever happened in my life.
With Love,
Atuat
Ps. I left my key under the flower pot
Hei-Ran couldn't believe what she just read. Her hands are shaking, her chest hurts, it feels harder to breathe. She no longer had the strength to stand, she stumbled upon the nearest chair. She read the letter over and over again. Hoping she misread it or maybe there’s any other clue, hoping that the woman she loves didn’t actually leave her. But that’s just a hope, a denial.
Atuat is long gone. Leave her with an open wound. On the same day she finally found her way back and scored another podium. But what’s the point of winning anyway? All the happiness is gone as quick as the letter arrives.
Hei-Ran pinched the bridge of her nose, how can Atuat think that she was not good enough for her? Hei-Ran met Atuat when she was at her lowest. Losing races after races, crashed and injured badly, unable to participate in the rest of the season because of her bad condition. And Atuat is the reason why she survived. Those three years were hell, but because of Atuat she can make it through.
She stares at the letter once again, unlike any other Atuat’s letters that she keeps in her drawer, she’s gonna burn this one until it turns to ashes and gone with the wind just like the person who wrote it for her.