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”i love you.”
it was a phrase everyone said multiple times throughout the day. a phrase that everyone had heard. it was used in songs and books and movies, all because it was the simplest way of expressing love. three very simple words that were so very easy to say.
three simple words that were so very easy to say for everyone except abbacchio.
it didn’t matter how hard he tried, he could never say it. or at least, not out loud. he had no problem saying it in his head. he had no problem writing it down. he didn’t even have a problem when he looked himself in the mirror and said the words out loud.
“i love you.”
they would come out so fluidly. he could say it like he could say anything else. without hesitation. without stuttering. without getting so horribly caught up on the words that he couldn’t even get them out.
he hated it, really. he hated how he couldn’t say three simple words but he could say things like “you’re my home.” or “i think very dearly of you.” or even “i’m very fond of you.”
but he couldn’t say i love you and that was all he wanted to say. all he wanted was to be able to look her in the eyes and tell her how he felt.
gloria. his sweet gloria. his home. his everything.
because that’s what she deserved. after dealing with him for as long as she had been. taking care of him and never giving up on him. being there for him when he would come back. waiting for him when he’d disappear.
he knew he stressed her out. he knew he gave her more stress than she needed. she didn’t need more. she already dealt with enough and he didn’t want to be another cause of it. he wanted to be someone that took her stress away, not add to it. even if she said otherwise, even if she said he didn’t give her more stress, he knew he did. he knew it. he knew it. he knew it.
and he wanted to tell her, so badly, that he loved her. that he loved her and he was sorry for causing her more stress than necessary. he wanted to thank her for never abandoning him. for not kicking him out and letting him rot on the streets. he wanted to thank her for taking him in and giving him a home after he had hit rock bottom. for not turning the other way and leaving him.
he could tell her all of those things with ease. he had told her multiple times before. but he just couldn’t say i love you.
and even now, now as he laid in bed with gloria in his arms, absently stroking her hair, he couldn’t say it. not that it mattered, he was sure she was asleep. in all honesty, he was positive he could say it knowing she was sleeping. he was positive he could look down at her and say it without-
abbacchio’s eyebrows furrowed almost immediately. she wasn’t sleeping. she was still awake. his hand stilled, a small frown on his lips. he wondered… he wondered if he could…
“gloria.” he said quietly.
within a second of him saying her name, gloria looked up at him and just like before, just like always, his heart skipped. he wasn’t sure what it was about her. what it was about her looking at him that made his heart flutter and made him forget how to breathe just for a moment, but she did. she always did.
“what is it, leone?” she asked him and for a split second, abbacchio forgot what he even addressed her for. he blinked a few times and he was sure he looked like a deer in headlights. just stupidly looking at her.
it’s nothing. he almost said. i just wanted to say goodnight. he could’ve said that. he could’ve saved himself the embarrassment of not being able to, once again, tell her how he loved her. tell her how much he loved her and how much she meant to him.
instead, he moved his head and rested his face in the crook of her neck. he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against himself. abbacchio sighed softly and placed a gentle kiss on her neck.
“i just… wanted to thank you again.” he muttered. “i wanted to thank you for… everything. you put up with so much shit on a daily basis and i know i don’t help with that. i mean, i know i add to it and i’m sorry for that.” he admitted. “but i wanted to make sure you knew that i appreciate everything you do for me. i appreciate that you haven’t gotten tired of me yet and decided to kick me out.” he paused for a moment, his arms tightening around her.
“because i care about you and i don’t know where i would be if it wasn’t for you.” abbacchio admitted, his frown deepening. truthfully, he had an idea of where he would’ve been. dead in a ditch somewhere. or rotting in an alleyway. wherever it was, he would be dead. he was sure if gloria hadn’t found him when she did, that night could’ve been one of his very last or even his very last.
“you don’t have to thank me.” he heard gloria say after a moment of silence. his arms around her waist loosened slightly. “everything i do for you, i do it because i want you to be happy. i do it because i want you to do better for yourself.” there was a pause and abbacchio felt gloria lean back. he felt her hands on his face and he allowed her to tilt his head upwards toward her.
again, just like before, his heart fluttered and his breath hitched in his throat.
“i do it because i love you, leone.”
abbacchio’s heart felt like it stopped. every time she said that to him, said those words he so badly wanted to say in return, it felt like the entire world stopped moving just for a few seconds. just a few.
he swallowed thickly, his eyebrows furrowing together. “i…” he trailed off, averting his gaze. “i know.” he muttered. “i know you do.”
he watched her smile at him and he felt her lips against his own for a few seconds. without hesitation, he returned the gentle kiss, a calmness washing over him.
pulling away from the kiss, abbacchio rested his head against gloria’s chest. he closed his eyes, sighing softly. it shouldn’t be this hard. it wasn’t this hard. it was just three words. just three fucking words.
“gloria?” abbacchio muttered, keeping his eyes closed.
“hm?” he felt the sound vibrate against his ear.
“i wanted to tell you…” abbacchio trailed off, his heart pounding. “um….” he just had to spit it out.
his arms tightened around her, so much tighter than before. “i….” he could feel the words getting caught up in his throat again. he couldn’t do this. he couldn’t say it. he couldn’t. he-
”i love you.” he whispered. “so much.” he added. “you mean everything to me.”
the silence was almost deafening. abbacchio could feel his heart pounding. the anxiety was building in his chest, making it harder and harder to breathe and—
“i know, leone.” a weight felt like it had been lifted off his shoulders and he immediately looked back up at gloria. his eyes widened ever so slightly, seeing a small smile on her lips. a warm and genuinely smile.
“i love you too.”