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White flashed into my vision as I hit the ground, I woke up rubbing my head in a position where I had my legs stretched out as I rubbed my head trying to recover from wounds, I rubbed my eyes as I brushed off "dust" and I opened my pair of eyes. I expected everything and anything but nothing of what I saw is what I wanted to see. I froze... I can feel my face melting and all those emotions are going through me, I can practically feel myself frowning and scrounging as I tumble to my knees "...wh...what?!" I heard my voice in a stern yet broken tone, i felt my throat dry. What I saw was supposedly my body, but its on the ground and its all bloody, everything was dark and just so confusing to me, I stared into my hands but I cant see it, I cant see myself, I cant feel anything, I cant feel me...I cant feel my feet, I cant feel...
Suddenly I heard shouting from the background, it was audible to hear, suddenly it slows down to being more clearer, who is it? Then I begin to wonder, is it my name? Am I forgetting my name? What is happening to me..? DAZAI?! DAZAI!!!! The voice peaks through my brain as sudden tears flowed through my eyes, but I dont even know why im crying, I dont know why its leaking...
My body...its on the ground, someone is screaming, people are gathering and...I died with my eyes open..did I not want this? Suddenly everything comes back to me, my death..I did this to myself, I killed me, im free now arent I? But... Something about me says im not...what is it? Why am I not ready? Didnt I want this to happen? Didnt I waited patiently to kill myself? Didnt I wanted to embrace my destiny a long time ago? A familiar ginger stopped mourning on the ground as he hugged my body and he ran away
I wondered without a memory after my death, Apparently my funeral would take 3 days...such a rested peace hit me, it felt so much more free from everything.. free from the weight of pressure, thats fine, but that scene lingers in my mind, I then had a sudden will of finding for people that I would feel attached to...like that ginger man, he made me feel somehow, close to him. Maybe I should find a reason for these three days before I rest
So then I roamed and I roamed, I saw a kid who had a bunny, she was hugging it, while she held hands with...her..brother? Is that her brother? I dont know.. she looked upset while she sat beside a man..the man reminded me of a cat, he was sitting on his knees and mourning, I felt oddly attached to them, I probably made them feel this way... "Dazai-san..he once told me that sometimes...people tend to mourn their fathers...to me he was like a father" the man finally dropping in tears while the other looked down, im..a father figure..? I questioned myself in a sudden act, thats why I feel so upset...
Later I felt a sudden feeling of nostalgia crossing to an apartment, I went inside it and went through rooms, not the best apartment but one room caught me, as I entered..a man with round glasses is sitting on a chair as he held a bag of bottles..empty bottles "geez dammit..those detectived are so close to dazai yet they cant clean his stupid apartment after he dies" he stood up and something caught his attention "is that.." he picked up a coat slightly yellowish and the other being beinge colored, two coats and beside eachother, he dropped down on the ground as he mourned "I dont even deserve to pick it up..I dont deserve to see this coat again...I didnt want for any of this to happen" the man cried on the floor as he hugged two coats "im sorry..I know ive said in before but...you two died without even forgiving me" he spoke in a sincere tone, I had a gut suddenly or rage and sadness at the same time, the coat..one of the coats he is holding..I felt so attached to it, I wanted to say something to the man clearly hurting, I wished to speak one more time, I wished to- my thinking was cut of right after I see the man looking at a letter that fell, his name was on it
He slowly opened the letter as he sat on the floor "dear ango, i predicted you would come here, I know that you have been visiting his grave just as much as I do, I miss him so much...I wanted to follow him, I practically felt like one of the orphans he took ahah, anyways. It will take me a while to forgive you, but..I guess all that 'taking a while' is too late now, in tired, im tired of everything. Ill go straight to the point, since im leaving forever..you have earned my forgiveness ango sakaguchi
-dazai osamu" that man hugged a paper like he has never seen a paper before "ouch dazai..I never knew id miss you more than I already do.." the man removed his glasses and cried his heart, I have never felt so much guilt in dying.. its so painful, its so painful to see this, I dont even remember him, I just want to use my hands to hold him gently on the back, and assure him, I want to assure him that he is alright...but..i cant. I want, I want, I want, I want, I- want... I can feel my eyes leaking again, these tears of sorrow is killing me, its all killing me, im already dead but..why wont these feeling stop, why cant my tears stop..
Two days are left before resting
The next day, apparently I sat in some park last night while I cried for someone I cant remember, my eyes arent hurting however, a memory of mine says that if I cry at night while I drink, I always have this stupid red thing on my eyes and apparently..its painful. I roamed around and saw a dirty blonde man speaking to a dark purple haired woman, she reminds me of a doctor "dammit yosano! I cant believe that I failed to save someone again" he threw a notebook, something about the notebook tells me that its important to him "why couldn't I just save one? Why did I became too ignorant about the signs, why couldn't I just save someone that meant something to me?" He mourned... "Kunikinda! you are able to save many people! Dazai is just..." She hesitated "listen..you can get through this, as I doctor, I also cant sometimes save people, I also wished to have saved him too you know! Dazai was so happy..I dont know what drove him to.." they both went silent
Suddenly a letter fell out of the place where the blonde threw his book, it had his name on it "wait..is that..." He rushed to it "oh my god" he opened it in a rush like he had never before and shakily, he put on his glasses
"Dear kunikinda I sneaked into your apartment for this, I wanted you to know that, you didnt fail to save me, I knew you would be guilty of now being able to save me but..I wasnt saveable in the first place, I cant be saved, nothing about this will change but.. thank you for being my partner, you may have been annoyed to me but.. I didnt want anyone to be attached to me because I knew I was leaving, I hope you understand that..
-dazai osamu" the man fell to the ground, as he shed a small tear, he didnt want to show how pathetic he is on tears but he cannot help it, everything was painful to him, he wanted to save people but nothing seems to be going his way, all those books about dazai on how fo change him or stop with his suicide jokes or the annoying personality of him, all of those ideals put to waste. This is too painful for him
Later I exited the apartment, to roam around, a lost soul. Walking and walking, to find a lake, it was deep into a forest, he sat on the lake looking in the nature "wow...I wish I didnt miss out on this when I was alive.." I rumbled, suddenly I heard a thud, and I looked to get a glace, hey...its the man that mourned on my dead body on the very start...he in punching...trees? "Stupid, shitty DAZAIII fuck him for leaving me alone.. I promise to kill him!" That sounds like an excuse... I stared at his eyes..his whole expression is broken, he is mourning me..I see a familiar gem plate on his neck, it has a black ribbon under the gem plate, I know that I used to own that
"I hate him so so much" the man punched another tree breaking it "tch..." His voice breaks, I could tell that he is sad yet he used anger to cover that timid boy he is, I can tell that he is just lost and I alone "Im...sorry" I accidentally spoke, he hurriedly looked around to see if anyone is watching "what the fuck?" The man is confused yet he hurried to run back to his house, He didnt want anyone to see him like that.
I followed him to see a whole penthouse, the man hugged his pillow as he slept, later he stars shedding tears on his sleep, he doesnt know why.. but it was a sad tone of expression, I dont know why too, thats just sad...maybe I shouldn't have died.. maybe I didnt want to die after all, odasaku was right, my world is more beautiful after the light touched me, yet I threw it all away
Isnt it funny, a ghost regretting death after killing themselves, suddenly I started just wishing to make this just everyone's dream, and that I never died, I wished that I didnt die at all, and that this was just some sick mind of mine, he starts to feel lonely and heart broken
1 day before his death funeral and the day before he leaves
I stayed on the ginger's penthouse, I seem to like it there, the ginger later found a letter in his wine collection, he was scared to open it, it had his name and everything on it, even tho he was afraid, he caved and opened it "my dearest, chuuya nakahara
I may have been really lucky to be the only person to understand you, you are the only one who understood me most, you are bigger than the sky, you have seen most of me yet nothing of me at the same time, why did you stay with me? Despite all the deaths and betrayal, you remind me of a puppy, you will always be a loyal one, i wished that I have met you in a better scenario, maybe in the next life..that would happen, yeah..maybe, although I hope you can forgive me for leaving this one, but I already think you cant, i would never miss you tho! And your hat is annoying! Yet you are the best drug mori has ever given me, but it hurts me. It's funny isn't it? Because everything we have been through has always marked something in my mind, it's so rare to find someone so complex as you, what do you call a loving feeling if you have to be alone to have it? I dont ever want to be too attached to you because I knew this would end, I'm gone. Forget me chuuya nakahara
- someone" chuuya isnt on his right mind, he silently but gently rested his head on the table, he closed his eyes and wished for everything to be a dream and he is experiencing dreams for the first time
Everything felt like a dream, dazai also wished this to be a dream. Dazai spent the rest of his time around his "kids" the one who called him a father figure and smiling at how they looked so close together, he loved it, he is happy to spend some time with them
0 days before funeral
Even after everything I saw..I didnt know if anyone wanted to attend my funeral, I want my funeral to never exist, I wish it wasnt true. Everyone gave speeches and my funeral was just boring, everything was sad and gloomy, it stabbed me in the heart with regret, is this my hell? I wondered with no response. when I was buried, I felt a cold embrace yet after the cold, it becomes warm, i felt..a hug "o..odasaku?" A man didnt speak
The day I rested...I met odasaku again...i am free