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An adult. That’s what she is supposedly within society. Someone who has experienced the world, its beauty and misfortunes first hand. Someone who has managed to weave through the many obstacles they’ve had to face and come out stronger. Someone with accomplishments to boast and ambitions to pursue. And yet, as an adult, Hikawa Sayo was none of those things.
The city of Tokyo is a lively place, a bustling capital filled to the very brim with opportunity and promise of a fulfilling life. Yet it wasn't the profound cityscape and its glistening lights the adults who move to Tokyo know. Yes, indeed they were present, but adult life isn’t that of a fairytale and the cities of today were not built from folly and joy.
Just across the reservoir was a quiet residential spot, contrast to the city the lustre of the apartments barely existed. Narrow concrete alleyways spotted with moss and old advertisements, outdated shophouses and vending machines along the paved roads.
Her hand to the door knob of her less than welcoming home, Sayo opened the door just enough to be able to see inside. The constant rain lately has proven to be quite the headache, the smell of asphalt stronger than usual as the showers seeped through the rotting structure of the building. Rusting the hinges to the door. “...”. With a few pushes with her shoulder, she managed to get inside.
It had been a long day, one filled with nothing of colour or warmth. Without bothering to take off her shoes, she dropped her suitcase onto the ground by the lone couch of her living space, then Sayo plopped down with a huff. Finally being able to relax her body for the first time today felt nice, if she wasn’t careful she would definitely fall asleep. For a mere moment, the mint closed her eyes. Living this routine while feigning satisfaction proved tiresome. More tiresome than she had ever imagined. In her youth, she took part in the things she felt passionate about, music, archery and even a little baking. But those activities bring little to no solace to her current self. An ugly self.
The desire to feel a little better washes over her body like a wave. And before she knew it Sayo had a cigarette between her fingers and was reaching for the Zippo lighter kept in the pocket of her pants. She hasn't had a smoke break since 10am. It being 7.20pm right now, it’s the longest she’s gone without for about a year. If anyone who knew Hikawa Sayo back in her youth saw the state of her now, they wouldn’t believe her to be the same person. Despite the 32 year old not looking a day over 21. The living conditions Sayo had subjected herself to was a far cry from how she lived back then.
The sink is always filled with dirty dishes from unknown dates, disposables littered around her limited living space and laundry that’d only ever be done if she runs out of clean clothes to wear. The only thing kept relatively clean was the ashtray which sat atop the coffee table that the mint frequently used. All these things would send her past self into a state of pure disbelief. “How could anyone live like this?!” She’d say.
But Hikawa Sayo has made peace with how her life has played out, ever since losing her other half. The mint has never managed to be the same. As she took a drag of her cigarette, the tingle of nicotine coursing through her blood and to her head. The persistent flashes of her twin that flooded her mind on a daily basis became bearable. The pain of having to live in a world without her dulled.
Without the presence of Hina in her life, Sayo believes herself to be on her own. Afterall, no one has managed to understand the kind of person she is, no one but the younger mint. Sayo is blessed with height and physique, a pretty face and a strong body. Constantly pressured to find a partner by her parents. Despite her blessings as a woman, her interest was not in that of men. Relationship after relationship, it was because of her cold demeanor and apparent lack of empathy that her partners found her unbearable. She’s been on her own for about a year now. Keeping herself afloat in her own dysfunctional way.
Letting out a sigh, the smoke escaping her mouth by the current of her breath, Sayo allowed herself to relax deeper into the cushions of her couch. She was okay with how things are, she was fine as long as nothing else happened. As long as nothing else change-
Alas, the world never granted the mint’s wishes for indifference.
The sound of her front door jamming and being opened a few seconds after made her open her eyes, but it didn’t alarm her at all. In fact she didn’t even bother to look up at the girl who had just entered her home without permission.
“Geez… she’s really got to get this door fixed…!” With a little effort, the younger girl managed to close the door behind her and locked it.
“Sayo, have you eaten?” Slipping off her shoes with practiced ease, the high schooler made her way over to the slumped body of the mint. Waving a can of coffee before her face. “You come in here like you own the place. Also, couldn’t you have at least bought beer?” Sayo sighed. “You’re the one who gave me the key, also, minors can’t buy alcohol.”. Setting down her school bag down on the floor and the can of coffee on the table, Lisa took a seat next to Sayo. Stretching her legs and arms out.
“I didn’t give it to you as an invitation for you to drop by whenever you liked.”
“Mou~ Is that how you thank me for cleaning up your house whenever you- wait… seriously…?” Initially the brunette was going to boast about how good of a job she was doing for Sayo. But a quick glance around the finite space she sat in presently proved unconvincing.
After a while, possibly to allow herself time to take in the fact her efforts were obviously in vain. The younger girl stood up. “Alright, I’ll wash the dishes~ Sayo can clean up the living room.”
Without saying anything further, Lisa made her way to the kitchen. Rolling up her sleeves before starting to rinse off the accumulated cutlery and silverware in the sink. “...”. To be honest, Sayo didn’t know why the girl tried so hard. Every week, the brunette would come over just to clean up after her. Her reason being, she couldn’t allow the person she loved to live in such a disgusting state.
The word "Love", wasn’t what Sayo would describe the attraction Lisa claims to feel towards her. To the older woman, this was nothing but an "Infatuation", a highschool crush. Albeit, a rather peculiar one. With a sigh, Sayo stood up not to tidy up her living room, but to discard the cigarette she had finished smoking. With the sound of water and dishes filling the background, the mint took a step out into the small balcony. It wasn’t anything spectacular, actually it was rather comical.
The point of a balcony was to allow one to witness the scenic beauty of their surroundings from an elevated view, was it not? Yet, from the balcony Sayo stood on she saw nothing but the flushed out grey concrete of the neighboring apartment. Rundown air conditioning units and fallen laundry perched too inconveniently to ever be retrieved. There wasn’t even much space between the buildings for the concept of a balcony to seem relevant. However, it didn’t matter since the mint wasn’t living here by choice.
A dead end job wouldn’t provide the means for one to live a life of luxury afterall, and the spark inside Hikawa Sayo had long been snuffed out of her.
Fingers to her lips, she covered the stick she held between her teeth. Striking a different kind of spark with her lighter, then bringing its flame to the tip of the snout. Taking another deep drag, she exhaled her worries into the night sky, failing to notice the loss of ambient noise that filled the silence in her home just moments ago.
“You’re smoking another?”
Imai Lisa had never been a real fan of Sayo smoking. In her words, it made the mint less approachable. But it wasn’t like Sayo was trying to seem approachable to begin with.
“... You talk a lot.”
“Hey! Weren’t you taught to be appreciative when other people are concerned about you, and help you?”
It irritated Sayo to be honest. Lisa was young, 17 to be exact. The girl has got her whole life ahead of her and yet here she was, pestering Sayo every week and spending precious time cleaning up after someone who had, to be frank, given up. And her drive for doing so, proclaiming it to be Love was naïve, nauseatingly so. By what nature would anyone, deranged or not, find themselves attracted to an undriven, irresponsible and apathetic individual. That was what she believed. And her long history of being broken up with stood as evidence.
“Weren’t you taught to not argue and nag at adults, because it’s rude?”
“...!”
She didn’t have to turn around to know the face Lisa was making.
“... Don’t talk to me like I’m a child.”
“... But you are a child.”
“I’m 17, and I’ll be 18 in 3 weeks, I’m practically a grown up. Also, I’m the one who’s been taking care of Sayo’s home-”
There she goes. Trying to cling to the idea of being a part of the mint’s livelihood. Her lovesick morals steer her actions, why else would she keep herself bound to someone like Sayo. Without saying anything, the mint took another drag of her cigarette, her mind already beginning to dissociate the conversation.
“...”
Though it had gone unnoticed, Imai Lisa was also the strongest girl in Hikawa Sayo’s life today, their complex relationship being the unorthodox catalyst to an unspoken change to the mint’s behavior.
“... Hey, Sayo... What are we?” and, the desire to put a label on whatever it was they shared ate away at the young girl’s heart on the daily. It wasn’t like Sayo had hurt her, but in some way she felt like the older woman saw her as nothing more than a child. Someone unfit of being her equal.
“... You’ve been asking that a lot, haven’t you? Could you please leave it alone for today, I’ve had a long day.”
“I’ve been asking for it, sure. But you’ve always dodged it like every other question you don’t feel like answering. Like, up till now, you haven’t told me if you’ve eaten yet”
Sayo’s frustration grows, though hard for her to describe. The young brunette seemed to be intentionally vexing today, usually she’d laugh it off and move on to the next seemingly airheaded conversational topic. But as the silence between them persisted, Lisa appeared unwilling to back off. The older woman decided to stop delaying the inevitable, not knowing why she had been delaying it in the first place.
“I’m not dating Imai-san, if that’s the question you’re asking.” Turning to lean her weight against the cold exposed metal of the painted railing, Sayo spoke.
“No matter how old you are, you’ll always be younger than me. So it’s impossible between us.”
“... That isn’t fair. I have no control over how old I am, or how I feel towards Sayo… It’s something I can’t change even if it bothers Sayo…”
(... Don't look at me like that.)
Again with the eyes, an expression where the brunette’s brows would furrow yet her eyes would tear. How would one be convinced she wasn’t a child, if her reaction suited such a label. It was then Hikawa Sayo decided to stop the ministrations. Since Lisa had been refusing to accept the hard truth of their reality, she’d force it onto her. Even if she had to scare her off to do so.
"The problem is, it does bother me.” Words spat out to be hard to swallow, an intentionally hurtful declaration to build up Sayo’s walls even higher.
“You keep saying you love me, and you cling to me incessantly. It’s bothersome. I’m not someone fit for Imai-san to love. I’m actually the type of person she should stay far away from, besides.” Turning to face the girl, Sayo returned Lisa's gaze.
“Besides, Imai-san can’t stand the smell of cigarettes right? She’s a child, after all.”
Silence fell between them for quite a long while, for the two it felt as if their surroundings stilled. Both afraid to move, both reluctant to shatter their current standstill. But, they couldn’t stay like this forever. With the intention to see the girl out for good, Sayo took yet another drag of her cigarette and proceeded to put the lighter she held into her pocket. But what happened next was something she couldn't have ever prepared for.
Lisa had closed enough of the distance between them for her to hold Sayo’s wrist, moving her arm out of the way before wrapping her slender arms around the taller woman’s shoulders. “I’m not a child.” Sayo relaxed her jaw, causing the smoke to escape, obscuring her view of the face that was now mere inches away from hers.
Without hesitation, Imai Lisa inhaled, welcoming the fumes through her nose and down her airways.
“...I don’t hate the smell of cigarettes.”
It was hard for Sayo to come up with a response, not with the soft body of the high schooler pressing up against her.
“... And I do love Sayo. It is because I love Sayo that I don’t want to ever remember her from the smell of cigarettes.”
“I don't want to remember Sayo from the smell of something that kills…”
Words that held an unusual weight with them. Serving to completely destroy any implication of Imai Lisa being someone who wasn’t mature. To say something like that without thinking about the consequences, it reminded Sayo of the only other person who truly understood her.
“... So will… Sayo quit,.?” Her voice was soft, yet Lisa sounded so sure of the outcome.
It has been a long time since Sayo had felt any form of accountability, and of course. Lisa had to be the one to turn the tables on her. “To ask something like that right after saying something so heavy…” (It can't be helped.)
She did not need to give it much thought. In the next instant, the cigarette Sayo had held between her fingers fell to the ground, the underside of her shoe following after.
“I cannot promise I’ll change. But I’ll try to.”
“I’ll be here to support Sayo, and cheer her on in everything she does…” Winding her arms around the taller woman, urging her to return her embrace.
“If you say such things so carelessly, you’ll make it easy for people to use you.”
“...If it’s Sayo, I don’t mind.”
“... If it comes down to it, Imai-san will make a good distraction from any withdrawal symptoms. So I’ll let her take responsibility once she turns 18.”
“... What a lousy adult you are.”
If Hikawa Sayo’s life was to remain mundane, at the very least she’d be able to live it carelessly. And if presented with the choice, she'd live carelessly alongside the girl who refused to let her go.