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It wasn't news to anyone that Zee was a caring person. Even if the first impression of a highly trained assassin was hard to forget, and that sometimes he was reserved, his kindness was more than noticeable.
His passion for action could easily become a lethal weapon — well, and it was. Always waking up early, putting himself at everyone's disposal, watching over everyone's safety. It could be a little too much sometimes, but he did it in good faith.
That's how he always acts. So Simon… couldn't tell what bothered him.
Ever since they all came back from their missions in pairs, something was different about Zee. No drastic changes. He looked the exact same, but there was something. And it wasn't none of Simon’s business, of course. They were just disciples united by a common goal. There was no need to poke at each other's personal lives.
In this very moment, Simon listened to the conversation amongst the disciples, in his living room. His sour ridden expression announced his discomfort, biting his thumb. He never knew how to hide his emotions well nor did he care enough about it to put in an effort.
Zee, however, knew how to mask his feelings like no one. It was hard to guess what could possibly be going through his mind, much like Matthew, which pissed him off to no end.
“Simon,” Zee said, calling for his attention, as he was distracted, looking at some random spot on the table.
Simon raised his gaze and his eyes met Zee’s, who was at the other side of the table, sitting right next to Matthew. He had a face that reminded Simon of when his father knew what he had done and just wanted him to confess. He nibbled on his thumb, narrowing his eyes as he analyzed Zee. The others got curious and, for a moment, got silent.
He didn't need to verbalize anything to Simon. Maybe Zee was paranoid– “perceptive” and did notice his single doubtful look in the meantime and the possibility did cross Simon's mind when he did. Somehow, it was implied what Zee was referring to.
“Did something happen during your trip?”
Zee chuckled, along with the others, and even Matthew cracked a subtle smile. “Well, many things happened.”
Simon gave him a quick up and down look, “Huh… you seem different.”
Eden came in with portions of bread and fruit, placing the bowls at the table, while Simon spread them through it.
Zee smiled, but still seemed a bit confused. “Aside from the miracles and sermons, everything has been the same for me.”
John kept sharing his stories, bringing everyone's attention to himself once again.
Zee got his portion of bread and served Matthew’s as well, as he was sitting beside him. Before he took a bite of his own bread, he offered it to Matthew, who thanked him then declined it. Simon was watching John as he ate, but actually paid attention to what Zee was whispering.
“But I’ve told you to eat.”
“I’m not hungry like that.”
“You will kill your eema from worrying about you like that.”
“Gaining weight is a gradual process, it won't happen if I eat too much in a single day. I-I’ve been eating better lately because of you, and I, uh… and thank you, but I don't want it now.”
“Alright, then. But only for now. I will keep feeding you, for your own good.”
Matthew hummed an agreement, that sounded a bit like a giggle.
Something about that conversation felt off, as if it missed a whole lot more of context.
After that, Simon had decided he'd leave the topic for later. He should watch from a distance a bit more and figure it out by himself. Something had changed for sure.
However, his curiosity would soon be sated.
Andrew suddenly spoke up, the group's conversation getting interrupted again. “Actually, Matthew seems a bit different.”
All of them turned to Matthew. His eyes widened, a bit frightened, and he quickly bowed his head, embarrassed from the sudden attention. Zee, who had looked at him with concern, soon went back to glaring at them. His expression had become covered with an hostility unseen since his zealot days, a deep line emerged in between his brows.
“I-I don't understand what you mean by that, Andrew…”
“I don't know if it's just me, but your face looks a bit… fuller?”
All of them agreed and Zee visibly relaxed, as one would when they let go of the dagger in their belt. He even smiled — earnestly.
“It's my fault,” the former zealot admited it. “I don't eat too much, so I insisted he'd eat half of my meals.”
“Why?” Simon blurted out, without thinking.
“His eema complained to me about his weight. I’m just doing my part.”
“What a zealous man,” Nathanael commented. “Do you plan on getting married someday?”
“I hope so. If Adonai allows me to.”
Simon's attention slid to the small frame of Matthew next to him. He quietly nibbled on some fruit, his gaze distracted and lost somewhere, as he listened to the conversation. Simon had no idea of what he could be thinking and that was deeply annoying.
“The fourth husband of the group!” Philip shouted.
John intensely furrowed his eyebrows. “Who are the second and third ones?”
“The second will be Thomas,” he replied, and Thomas agreed, hopeful. “The third one will be you.”
John's face twisted in confusion. “Me?!”
Big James was quick to snap back at his brother, smirk on his face as he said “Don't act clueless, my beloved.”
The guys laughed at the banter while John’s face was filled with a shade of pink, half annoyed, half embarrassed, as he didn't know how to talk back.
“What? You're the one who rubs on our face that he calls you like that!”
Simon, laughing at John, who thought nobody noticed how he felt about their rabbi, accidentally caught a glimpse of a moment on the other side of the table: Zee, lightly tapping Matthew with his elbow, as he said something to him, both giggling.
Together.
Simon wondered for an instant if he still held a grudge against Matthew because of his past. Did it bother him seeing Matthew smiling and getting along with someone, instead of struggling, somehow? Did he secretly wish that Zee had listened to his zealot side and killed him during their trip?
Nah. That's not it.
Something… was different.
And he would find out.
—
Late at night, Simon decided to go out for a walk in the streets of Capernaum. The darkness amongst the building was adorned by the blue and silver shades pouring on the surfaces, tiny dots of candlelights hanging at some corners.
To his surprise, he found two known figures, unaware of his presence: Zee and Matthew. They walked side by side, apparently going towards the street where Matthew's parents' house was.
Simon stopped in his tracks, observing from a hidden spot what would happen from now on.
It was sort of amusing to see them together. Former tax collector, former zealot. One had kept his steps steady, but slow, to match the other man's pace, which were unhasty and unsure. The robust and intimidating stance of Zee, hands ever behind his back, contrasted with Matthew, who was so much smaller, and kept his head bowed, fidgety as he clinged on his bag's strap.
He wasn't sure if his hearing wasn't working, but Simon had the impression they weren't talking. They seemed to be on a silent walk for a while.
Both of them stopped in front of Matthew's parents house, where he'd been hosted. Zee swiftly turned to him, as one would when waiting to say something. Simon was glad he was a bit far away, which prevented him from getting caught.
“Don't you want me to tell them that you're here so you can wish them a good night?” Matthew said.
“Oh, no, thank you,” Zee shook his head, smiling gently. “It's too late. They must be getting ready to sleep, I don't wanna bother.”,
“I doubt my parents would be bothered. They really like you.”
“No wonder they trusted me with their treasure.”
Matthew seemed confused and opened his mouth to argue, but then understanding got to him and he realized what Zee was talking about. He tightened the grip around his bag's leather strap when he looked Zee in the eyes only for a short moment.
Zee, on the other hand, didn't take his eyes off him. He followed every and any move Matthew did, like an eagle tracking its prey as it flew above it. Those eyes trained to hunt and murder pierced him intensely. It felt disconcerting to even watch someone else being stared like that, even if that someone was Matthew, of all people.
However, the most intriguing part of it all was the smile on his face. There was a certain tenderness and care in the former zealot’s demeanor. The intense glance, now, had a new meaning of fondness, dedication — zeal, even.
Zee had relaxed his hands, letting them fall to his sides, and reached them towards Matthew, hesitantly, and then stopped, as if unsure about what he must do.
The uncertainty was brief: something encouraged him and he reached his hands slowly, this time towards Matthew’s face. Before he could even reach him, he hesitated once again, fingers curling into a half closed fist.
“Can I?”
Matthew seemed to hold his breath for a few seconds and swiftly looked up and down at him, unsure at first. Then, he nodded, as a permission.
With both hands, Zee carefully pulled him by the back of his neck. Their foreheads touched, as his hold grew firmer.
Meanwhile, Simon's eyes nearly propelled out of his face as he watched all that unfold.
Zee closed his eyes, but Matthew didn't. Instead, he looked at him with attention, as if he enjoyed that he wasn't being watched (at least by someone whose presence he's aware of). The remains of a shy smile still adorned his features.
It was quick. Zee pulled away, but one his hands slid to his face, which highlighted how small Matthew was compared to him. With his thumb, he caressed his cheek.
“Good night,” Zee said, smiling. He gave his shoulders a last, firm squeeze.
“Good night. And, uh, thank you… I-I think.”
Matthew said, rubbing the back of his neck, and something told Simon that it wasn't only his own touch he was feeling out.
Short awkward silence moments and then Matthew turned around and went into his house. As soon as he was gone, Zee’s face tensed up, turning somber. He looked at the ground, as if trying to focus on a sound, and then fixed his posture, which Simon had completely forgotten that could get more aggressive, since he'd been so lightened up a while ago.
Zee started to walk innocently towards the direction Simon had been hiding, which made him run and hide anywhere else he couldn't find him.
This damned zealot…
After that, Simon let a few days pass by. He tried not to look at Zee, since he knew he'd notice it, which resulted in everyone else worried about Simon because he was never subtle about something bothering him.
No, no, no, that wasn't alright. At all.
“Simon!”
He jolted. It was Eden’s voice calling him out.
It was morning. Simon had been sitting at the table, alongside with his brother, who babbled about something with Philip.
“Yes, love?”
“Zee is asking if there's anything else we need from the market,” she repeated it from the kitchen counter, gesturing towards the door, where the man was.
Zee looked at him with anticipation, cracking his knuckles. Fidgeting. He seemed to never be satisfied with the amount of work that was given to him.
Simon bit his thumb again and in a few instants he stood up in a jump, walking towards him.
“I’ll go with you.”
Zee’s face twisted in confusion. “There's no need, there's not many things.”
“Nah, you can have all the load for you,” he gave his shoulder friendly taps. “I just wanna stretch my legs a bit. If we need something else there, I’ll warn you. Let's go,” he said as he opened the door.
Although a bit lost, the zealot did not waste any time and followed him.
Zee’s independent life as a zealot visibly gave him extremely valuable skills. What Simon was witnessing in that very moment were his persuasion power and also good eyes for groceries. It was impressive and scary how he seemed to know everything. It was no wonder he got along well with everyone in the group.
Even with Matthew.
“Look…”
“Hm?” Zee replied, absent minded, since he was paying the vendor with coins, and then starting to put the fruit in the baskets. “Thank you. Shalom. Did you say something?”
They went in search of another vendor, looking at the stands and what they offered, walking in slow steps.
“You and Matthew have been getting along, huh…”
“Oh,” he sighed a chuckle, “still worried?”
“Just checking.”
“I’ve always liked him,” he stated, as if that was the most obvious truth in the world. “He's straightforward and honest. He knows how to keep things in order, even if his heart is a mess. Besides, he is always willing to learn and listen.”
“You truly are… something, Zee…” Simon muttered, mostly to himself, but still audible.
“The thing about being a tax collector… It caught me off-guard that day, but I thought about rabbi’s words… it's in the past. Right now, he's just the same Matthew I've been living with.”
Indeed… a better man than me, Lord…
Zee turned his face, half smile, as he walked, “You don't need to worry about it, it's alright now.”
“Nah, that is not what I'm worried about…”
“What is it then?”
“You weren't going to kiss him yesterday, were you?”
Zee abruptly stopped in his tracks, his face as shocked as the day he found out about Matthew’s former occupation. His mouth agape, eyes bewildered at Simon
He did not know what to say.
Ok, maybe Simon needed to be a bit more subtle.
“You… so it was you who was watching us yesterday…”
Simon raised his arms, surrendered. “Hey, I was going out for a walk and ended up seeing some things. You don't need to…”, he motioned towards his entire body, “get all tense and everything. Just answer the question, I’m on your side.”
Zee didn't know if he looked at him, to the sides, or the ground. Simon wanted to roll his eyes. Was that suspense really necessary?
“C'mon, pass me that basket, you look like you're gonna drop them all.”
He took one in his hands before Zee could give them, and he simply allowed him to do so. Simon placed a hand on his back, guiding him in the direction they were previously walking.
“Uh… listen… Simon, it's not what you think…”
Simon looked at the path in front of them, but noticed that Zee walked, staring at him, desperately trying to explain himself.
“Well… tell me what it is then.”
“I, uh… met his parents and all. I wasn't… it was just a goodbye between friends…”
“Have you talked to our rabbi? He's the one who has to bless your union, huh?”
“I-I didn't talk to him about it, I’m planning, but– wait, what union? I didn't say that, I–”
Simon rolled his eyes in his direction, astonished at that tomfoolery he was spouting. He shook his head, in disapproval. “I’m a married man, Zee. Hey, isn't that Matthew?”
Zee stopped and his body jolted at the mention of his name, looking for him, but sighed in annoyance when he saw Simon chuckling at him.
He couldn't help it. It was beyond amusing to see a former assassin, always so stern and confident, being on edge when being confronted about something like that. Especially the fact it was someone like Matthew — it was easier for Matthew to get nervous over other people than the opposite.
“Your secret is safe with me. Just watch yourself, alright, zealot? Don't make me find chaperones for both of you this early, we already have Thomas and Ramah to worry about for now.”
“That was just a friendly goodbye, alright? I’ve even done that to you! He usually doesn't like getting physical, so I needed to ask first.”
“It's not about you asking, it's more about him allowing it. He's not afraid of saying ‘no’ to people.”
“I know, and that's why I’m being careful with the time of things, I don't want to scare him away, ok?”
Simon did not answer. Instead, he looked at him with a mischievous but surprised smile on his face. Zee noticed the silence and turned to him: Zee kept his expression neutral however it was visible the slight concern and even a bit of embarrassment — nobody had ever seen this side of him. Simon let out a chuckle.
“Sorry, I’m not laughing at you, it's just… wow… little Matthew… doing all this to you. And not only that, you were also laughing at John a while ago… and now look at you…”
“Hey, don't compare me to John. I will act. I’m just… waiting for the right time…” he affirmed, sounding more confident than before.
“Right time for what?”
Matthew’s voice emerged from behind them and they both jolted in their place. They turned, and Zee was the first to speak.
“Matthew, uh, what are you doing here?”
Simon watched them in silence, holding back an amused smile.
Zee’s eyes instantly turned into crescent moons when looking at him. Matthew looked him in the eyes for a few seconds, nervous, turning his gaze away right after, as he cleared his throat.
“My father has requested you to join us for lunch.”
Zee let out a pleased sigh, chuckling, “Of course. Tell them I’ll be going. Just after I take these back to Simon's house.”
“Alright. See you soon.”
Matthew wasted no time and immediately went back, disappearing amongst the civilians.
Simon watched Zee go back to reality, a smile still lingering on his face.
“Let's go. You have parents to impress.”
As they went back to walking, Zee remembered something else.
“Y'know, now I'm wondering if you'd react that well to Philip asking for Andrew's hand in marriage.”
Simon scoffed. “You're funny, Zee. Andrew would never–”
He fell silent, as if he was doing calculations in his head. Nothing else was said, and Zee had an amused grin on his face as he noticed Simon picking up the pace on the way back home.