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[TA] 2o ii have two ask.
[TA] what wa2 iit liike beiing a gho2t for all that tiime?
It was a good question, she thinks. After all, how many people got to roam around on the physical world without a physical body? Hardly anyone, that’s who! But that didn’t stop the uncomfortable feeling that twisted in her stomach when she was asked. She wanted to just brush him off with a small answer, but she supposed that he deserved honesty.
She should probably lie, because Aradia knows why he’s asking to begin with. But she’d been secretive for long enough, and it was probably about time she started being straight forward with these sorts of things. She didn’t have to be cryptic anymore!
[AA] it was really lonely!
[AA] sort of like being stuck in some sort of void i guess
[AA] like all the air has been sucked out but somehow you can breath, and youre inhaling that emptiness through your mouth and it envelopes your lungs and your heart
[AA] and pretty soon it hits your brain
[AA] and there’s a haze around it that is corrupting your very personality
[AA] it makes it so you’re no longer you
[AA] and you dont even care
That’s exactly what it was like. It was fine when she was experiencing it, because emotions didn’t really reach her. She couldn’t have even felt bad about it if she tried! Ghosts weren’t able to feel.
But they had memories. And that’s what Aradia thought hurt the most. She had all these memories from that time, and it’s like...once she reached god tier...everything sort of unlocked. Sure, she’d felt something when she was in that robot Equius built her, but her feelings mostly came from the blue blood that was rushing through her body.
But now, in her own skin, she felt...
She felt sad.
[TA] oh my god AA ii am 2o 2orry
She felt sad because of how she treated all of her friends. She’d slowly pushed each and every one of them away. She’s practically been alone!
But she couldn’t blame them. She couldn’t be angry at them for that. They didn’t know she was dead because she’d never told them. And even if she had, it wouldn’t have changed a thing.
Besides Sollux. He was the only one that knew, and the only one who made some, small attempt to try and put up with her and actually try and stay her friend. And how did she repay him?
Oh, right...she got him to make a game that got him killed more times then anyone should have had to.
Dying hurt. She should know.
[AA] you dont have to be sorry
[AA] im ok now!
[AA] god tier makes me feel more alive then ever before!
Aradia laughs, because she hates the hollow ache that pulsed in her chest when she said that. She laughs because she can feel maroon tears cascading down her face, and she doesn’t want to be seen as weak. Even when she’s alone. She doesn’t want to cry.
[TA] but ii kiilled you!
[TA] i robbed you of your fuckiing liife AA.
[TA] you 2hould hate my fuckiing pathetiic beiing.
[TA] iim dii2gu2tiing.
[TA] you 2houldn’t be able two 2tand the fuckiing 2iight of me.
[AA] sollux i could never hate you!
[AA] youre worrying too much over nothing
[AA] i never blamed you for what happened since it wasn’t your fault at all!
[AA] i found out that it was vriskas doing and i already dealt with her
[AA] even though it actually helped her
[AA] but shes gone now and none of that is even the point anyway
[AA] youre being far too hard on yourself!
That was the truth. She did think that Sollux was putting too much pressure on himself -- too much blame. She has to smile at the thought, because somehow throughout this whole game, Sollux hasn’t changed. He’s still his same, amazingly self-loathing self.
She does wish he’d stop that, but...she’s glad that he cares. That he still cares enough about her to feel upset.
[TA] you’re two forgiiviing AA.
[AA] nah
[AA] i just dont want to spend my life being angry over things that really don’t even matter anymore
[AA] and i especially dont want to be mad at the people that i care about the most
[AA] get it?
She hopes he does. She’s okay now -- truly okay. She’s got her life back, and..she’s hoping she can get back the people that she lost. Everything can’t really go back to how it was, but she’s hoping they’d at least be willing to start over, to at least give her a chance.
She had to start with him.
Since that’s where everything ended, she thought that he would be a perfect place to start.
[TA] are you 2eriiou2ly iin2iinuatiing what ii thiink you are?
[AA] depends on what your answer is
And there she went, going vague again. Aradia knew him well enough to know that he’d never bite if she gave out this half-assed information again. He liked absolutes...she’d certainly learned that much about him
[AA] or actually
[AA] yes, i am probably asking what you think im asking
[AA] but i dont know what your answer is going to be so im nervous about asking straight up
[AA] but im pretty sure everything i just said gave it away!
Oh she sounded so stupid! Was he even going to answer her after that lame display? She should have just said it straight out...
[TA] 2o, you’re 2ayiing you want two be...?
Oh jeez. She was going to have to say it.
[AA] yes, you idiot..
[AA] im asking if you would want to be my matesprit
[AA] again
She can’t believe she just said that to him. Of all the things. Actually she can’t believe that, out of all the things that she has been forced to go through, that was probably the hardest of them all. Because if he said no, she didn’t know what she would do...she couldn’t bare to lose him.
But what if he moved on? She hadn’t thought about that. She’d neglected him so long while she was a ghost and even while she was a robot...had he been getting close to someone else? It could have happened. But who?
She’d noticed faintly that he had been getting close to Feferi...
Oh no, oh no oh no she might have just made a complete fool of herself...
[AA] i probably shouldnt have asked that i mean you probably found someone else while i was busy completely ignoring you this whole time while i was dead and when i got put in that stupid robot
[TA] AA...
[AA] no no i know!
[AA] i was a little silly for asking something like that!
[AA] you and feferi right?
[AA] i remember you and her started having a lot of feeling talks in the pile before i exploded
[AA] and i know that she really likes you so i wouldn’t want to really trample all over that just because i finally got myself all together
[AA] im really really sorry for asking something so stupid!
[TA] wiill you lii2ten two me for a moment?
[AA] sorry i kind of have to go
[AA] we’ll talk later
apocalypseArisen [AA] has ceased trolling twinArmageddon [TA]
[TA] that2 the biigge2t load of bull2hiit iive heard today.
[TA] ii know damn well youre 2tiill there.
[TA] damn iit an2wer me!
He was right, she was still staring at the screen like an idiot, but she didn’t want to reply. How could she? There was no denying that she still had feelings for him that way. How could she not? He was her best friend and...so much more than that. She’d just.
She’d never bothered to factor in that he could have replaced her during the game.
If she’s being honest with herself, she should have seen it coming. And Feferi would be good for him. She’s so cheerful and beautiful and so outgoing, not to mention she’s...
[TA] dang it feferi is dead.
[TA] so that wouldn’t matter anyway.
...dead.
Oh my god, she’s dead.
How. Did. She. Forget. That.
[TA] and be2iide2 that, ii wa2 never really iintere2ted iin her iin that way.
[TA] 2he even knew that.
[TA] 2o can you 2top 2taring at the 2creen and reply to me?
[TA] you do thi2 every time you get embarra22ed.
apocalypseArisen [AA] has begun trolling twinArmageddon [TA]
[AA] oops
[TA] yeah oop2.
She really was an idiot, wasn’t she.
[TA] ii fiigured thii2 wa2 common knowledge two you but ii gue22 not.
[TA] youre the only one ii liike iin that quadrant, AA.
[TA] ju2t you.
[TA] you can match me at both my hiigh2 and my low2, and can keep me 2omewhat balanced iin eiither po2iitiion.
[TA] iim lucky you even bother two put up wiith me iin the way2 that you do.
[TA] 2o yeah.
[TA] ii gue22 the an2wer two your que2tiion would be ye2.
[AA] really?
[TA] ye2 you iidiiot
[TA] dont make me have to repeat iit or anythiing
[TA] 2hiit ii2 2o 2appy iit2 2iickeniing
[AA] im sure you would have absolutely hated to say that sentence out loud
[AA] with all of those s’s
[TA] okay what the fuck we are 2uppo2ed two be talkiing about 2omethiing 2eriiou2 and you have two briing up my lii2p?
[AA] you did say it was getting to ‘2appy’
[TA] ii hate you
Aradia laughed, and this time, there were no tears to hold back.
[AA] yeah, i love you too you big idiot
She hadn’t expected Sollux to say yes to her at all. So she supposed she owed someone else a thank you...
[AA] now hold tight i need to go message someone else for a moment
Aradia sighed, the giggles finally fading form her voice as she scrolled down her friends list for the contact she was looking for. And when she found it, she bit her lip and double clicked, and watched as the small red window popped up into her sight.
apocalypseArisen [AA] has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]
[AA] so i guess i have to thank you for your advice earlier concerning sollux
[AA] even though i almost nearly messed it up
[AA] but you were right
[CG] DAMN FUCKING STRAIGHT.
[CG] THERE WASN’T A DOUBT IN MY MIND THAT I WAS ONE HUNDREC PERCENT ON THE DOT RIGHT ABOUT YOU AND THAT DOUCHBAG’S RELATIONSHIP.
[CG] I DON’T THINK YOU GET HOW MUCH I HAD TO LISTEN TO THAT BASTARD BITCHING AND MOANING TO ME ABOUT HOW HIS “POOR GIRLFRIEND” WOULDN’T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE HIS EXISTANCE AFTER HAVING HER SOUL SHOVED INTO A TIN CAN OF DISGUSTING ARTIFICIAL BLUE BLOOD.
[CG] SO DON’T FUCKING MESS IT UP, BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO PICK UP THE SCATTERED AND BROKEN PIECES OF HIS STUPID HEART YET AGAIN, YOU GOT THAT?
[CG] AND I GUESS DON’T DIE AGAIN EITHER.
[CG] THAT STARTED THIS WHOLE THING IN THE FIRST PLACE.
[CG] FUCKING GUY IS SO OBVIOUSLY FLUSHED FOR YOU.
Aradia had to smile. Karkat was a really good friend, and she knew that. That’s why she’d gone to him to ask what she might be able to do to get her friend’s back -- and sollux back into her quadrant. She’s helped them before while they were dating and he’d helped her again. Honestly, she owed a lot to this guy.
[AA] i wont mess this up
[AA] and trust me
[AA] i am very much alive, and i plan on staying that way