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It was an exciting day for Mc. She was having a sleep over with their best friend Julian. They've been playing chess, as he's excused himself to go to the restroom. It's already been some time and the girl was starting to get worried so she decide to check on him.
They were approaching the bathroom door as they heard a quiet sound, like suppressed sobbing. Their heartbeat quickened but they knew that they had to stay calm if they wanted to help.
Carefully they knocked "Hey, Jules, are you--?"
They couldn't bring themselves to say it. The answer would have clearly sound like a "Yes! Of course!" But be the opposite.
It's gotten completely quiet.
"Can I come in, Julian?"
"Er one second, I er - " something metallic dropped to the floor, only proving mc's biggest fear.
She could hear Julian let the water run and a key turning, before the door was finally open.
Julian was standing in front of her, the long Pajama sleeves pulled even lower and held tight in fists.
She took in the situation before slowly stretching out her hand, palm up.
Julian just stared at it.
"The - " she swallowed "whatever you just used. Give it to me. " Her voice was serious but calm despite the anger starting to bloom in her. The idea that the boy could have used something he found at her place was infuriating but she knew that the worst thing she could do now, was blaming him.
The guy sighed quietly and let a skalpell slide down into his hand, before handing it over to his friend. Mc's furrowed her eyebrows. It was incredibly sharp. He's most likely stollen it from the science room in school.
Her first instinct was to throw it out the window. Or burn it. Or drown it! But rationality told her to return it to the previous owner. After some disinfection preferably. Or was it a stupid idea? And what if there was already someone else's blood on this blade before. She shook her head to get the thoughts away. Everything was going to be fine.
"Come here" she led the way to her bedroom, making the boy sit on the bed. "I'll be back in a minute" she mumbled, before getting on the way to the kitchen.
She had to grab herself a chair to get to the top shelf, Where the medkit was. To her horror, she realizes that her hands were trembling slightly. Not now, God damn it!
She took a deep breath and stepped back to the ground.
When they got back to the room, Julian was still sitting in the exact same position, they left the boy in.
Mc knelt infront of him , putting the case next to her.
"May I?"
Julian hesitated and they sat in silence for another minute before he finally stretched his hands out to her, still covered with the sleeves.
He flinches as she touched him. "It's alright, Julian, it's alright to be scared. Take your time."
"You'll hate me " he chocked.
"Why would I hate you?" The moment they said it they regretted it.
"Because I told you that I would try to stop! And I did! But I failed. Because people have it worse than me, and they don't do such stupid things! Because you have it worse than me, and I only add on top of your problems!"
Tears were running down his cheeks.
"Because this is dumb! It doesn't help me! It only makes things worse! "
"Ilya- "
"Because you deserve so much better, than someone who can leave you anytime. Purposefully or accidentally! I didn't mean to- " he was getting out of breath, stumbling over words "I didn't mean to cut this deep! I didn't mean to... And at your house, out of all places! I should have been fucking fine! "
"Julian!" She raised her voice, unable to take this any longer. She felt him pull his hands back, covering his face with them. "You shouldn't be seeing me in this state.." he whispered.
"You know that it is not true. I won't hate you, because of this. No matter how far you've gone. And stop comparing yourself to others. You know that it doesn't make anyone's life easier."
Another sob.
"I didn't mean it like that." She shrugged, realizing she had to be more careful with her words. "Ilya...I love you and nothing is going to change that. Now please let me treat the cuts. We can talk after."
The boy didn't move. Mc stood up and wrapped her arms around him, quietly pulling him into a hug. She could feel him tense up, even try to push her way weakly, but she didn't let go, knowing this was the best way to help him now. What could have been a sign to stop with others , meant the opposite with this self destructive boy, who's always tried to push loved ones away.
Slowly he relaxed, melting into her touch as she gently held his head to her chest.
She nuzzled his hair, "I know you don't want this, but please let me do it. You could get an infection."
He tenses up at the sound of her voice once again, but pulled away and stretched his hands out to her, looking away.
"You can close your eyes, if that'll make it easier for you. " He sighed relieved and obliged.
Finally the girl pulled his sleeves up. Now she saw what her was talking about. His wrists were completely covered in cuts, some still bleeding. He tried to stop it, by wrapping toilet paper around them, that was now covered with red spots.
Mc felt a hint of nausea. She didn't like the sight of blood. Couldn't imagine how someone could possibly do this to themselves. But she didn't have a choice.
She unwrapped his wrists before starting to disinfect them. He was trembling and squirming when the liquid touched the cuts. Briefly she wondered, if this was part of the process. First you get hurt emotionally, then you cut yourself to forget it, than you hurt yourself in a different way , by disinfecting the cuts...
She blew on his skin to soothe the stinging, before putting plasters on the cuts that were still bleeding.
"I'm done" she whispered, Julian immediately pulling his hands back, mumbling "I'm sorry." and " I should go."
"Go? It's the middle of the night, and I'm not letting you "go" anywhere alone again." She wanted to add "Look what happened, the last time I did. ", But she stopped herself in time instead changing the subject.
"What caused this?"
"Please don't look at me like that", Julian whispered, "Don't- Don't look at me from the ground, I don't like that you're- " he hesitated.
"Kneeling?"
The boy nodded barely noticeable.
Mc chose not to argue right now and sat onto the bed, legs crossed and turned to him.
"I just- It's just , we're going back to school in less than a week and I'm really scared. It's going to be completed different from last year. I mean Asra broke up with me and Muriel hates me now so I'll have to find new people to spend my time with. At least in class. I can still have lunch at the restroom , I've done it before, it's fine. But in class ... And we got this new student... I offered to be the one helping her around but there's another girl who will as well, and of course the new one will chose her over me, because imagine how disgusted she will be to find out, that the one who is supposed to be guiding her has no friends and is completely lost himself. And -" he was sobbing again , " what if I drop out!? What we're learning isn't even that hard but I just can't get myself to concentrate. All this guilt from hurting Asra" he covered his face with his hands "I just can't stop thinking! I really want to become a doctor, but how can I do it, if I can't even push through highschool? And even if I could, who would need a doctor like me? This broken! This useless! This- me! "
And with those words he was done, hugging his knees and hiding his face. Mc could see him tremble from the quiet crying. She sighed and placed her hand on his back, rubbing it gently.
" I know you're scared and that's alright. I'm sure the girl will like you and if no, then she's got no taste. " They smiled " More for me. And you're going to be an amazing doctor one day. You've been scared of dropping out in the begging of every school year, but look at you, you're still here."
The trembling stopped by now.
"It's going to be alright, Ilya. We'll figure it out together. Like we always do. "
She leaned over and kissed his hair " It's alright that you're feeling this way right now but it's all going to be fine. "
"Thank you" he mumbled.
"Is there anything else you would like to talk about? "
He looked up at her " I don't think so. "
"Then I think we should try to rest. You take the bed-"
"What?! No. I wouldn't want to-"
"Ilya" she cupped his face " You need all the rest you can get. I insist. I'll be right here by your side, on the mattress."
"But-"
"Julian, you deserve to get some rest. You deserve being loved and cherished. You deserve affection. And right now you deserve to sleep in a bed as well as there is nothing wrong with having me kneel next to you or sleep on a lover level. " Saying this was like breathing to them, since they've been so used to reassuring their friend.
"Let me take care of you tonight."
Julian gave up on protesting.
Mc grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around her friend. "I'll get us some water, alright?"
"Mhm"
So they did, returning with two glases.
"Here you go." Julian didn't react and they quickly realized why, so they placed the glas onto the nightstand and looked away.
When they looked back, he was already holding it close to him.
They both drank in silence for a while.
"Are you still having nightmares?"
"Yes."
"Every night?"
"Yeah."
Mc wished they knew how to help.
"But maybe I won't have any, when you're around" Julian smiled. For the first time since the incident.