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Oh, heart, and then it falls, and then I fall, and then I know
Seungcheol met Jeonghan for the first time between the tables of a bar, while eating a Hotteok. This guy came in a rush, drinking orange juice, and sat in front of him.
The boy was so pretty it hurt. Long, dyed blond hair, with a touch of blue on the tips. He was incredibly thin, almost sickly. He looked like an angel, with those bunny eyes, and perfect white teeth. Seungcheol felt an inch of jealousy and the desire to possess him at the same time.
He was confused at first, but not so confused as two seconds after.
- I’m fucking angry, I’m so angry I could overturn this fucking table and… And fucking spill my fucking orange juice that I fucking paid with my fucking money. - not so angelic from him.
Seungcheol frowned. - I’m sorry?
- No, no, let me explain.
- I don’t even know you. I don’t care. You came here and started to shout in the middle of my–
- I just need to fucking explain myself, okay? Let me talk.
- Stop swearing.
- Who are you? My fucking mom?
- No. I’m a stranger who was trying to eat his Hotteok before another stranger came and decided to start screaming at me.
- So, I’m with this guy, you know. I was, actually- but that’s not the point, okay.
- I’m not listening.
- Your business. So, this guy was my boyfriend. Yes, I’m gay. I’m a freaking disgusting slutty fucking homosexual. His name is Joshua. I left him.
- You left him and you have the guts to complain about him with a complete stranger?
- I left him because he was annoying. Jeonghan, I love you this, I love you that, let’s merry, let’s go live in fucking Paris and blah blah blah and suck my balls you fucking romantic asshole!
- You’re a dick.
- I know I’m a fucking dick, okay? But he’s more a dick than I am, because now he has another one.
- And? You left him, why are you complaining?
- Because I’m Yoon Fucking Jeonghan! How dare he go on so early!
- You should be happy for him. Are you narcissistic or something?
- I’m a fucking divinity.
- No, you’re a dick. And, let me say something to you: you’re insecure.
- No, I’m not. I love myself.
- Okay, right, now shut the fuck up.
- Would you like to kiss me?
Seungcheol let out a long breath. - What. The fuck.
- You know, just for fun.
- I have fun playing golf. Not kissing strangers.
- Golf? That sucks.
- You suck. Go the fuck away!
- Okay, I’ll stay here, in silence.
- Do whatever the fuck you want. As long as you shut up. - he kept eating his Hotteok, “Yoon Fucking Jeonghan” was looking at him, making him feel really uncomfortable.
- Stop staring.
- I’m not staring. I’m respectfully observing.
- So stop respectfully observing.
His emotions were actually different from what he said. Of course he wanted to kiss him: he was the prettiest boy he’d ever seen. But he had been rude, and he had been an asshole with his ex. And he kept observing him with those perfect brown eyes. He really had the desire to kiss him. So he decided to do something about that.
- What do you want? Really, I mean. Precisely.
- Nothing, I want to kiss you.
Seungcheol got closer to him, and lifted up his chin. - If I’ll kiss you, will you shut the fuck up?
Jeonghan put on a provocative smile. - Maybe.
And they kissed.
Days went by, and Seungcheol kept going to that bar. He met Jeonghan everyday, and they started to know each other better.
- So, what do you do for a living? - Seungcheol asked, one of the first days. Jeonghan went to the bar always in the firing line, always well dressed, his blonde and blue hair perfect as usual.
- I’m a model.
- I can tell.
- Why did you ask, then?
- Just to be sure.
- What about you?
- I’m a teacher. A physics teacher.
- Boring!
- Pfft. Look Who’s Talking. You walk on a runway all day long or something like that.
- I actually pose.
- Even more boring.
And then they kept meeting at the same bar, ‘til one day. That day, Jeonghan didn’t show. And the day after, and again, the day after that day, and Seungcheol was sad, because he had started to become attached to that boy. Not only for his beauty, but for his energy, and for his pleasantness. He missed him.
And one day, Jeonghan showed up again. But he was… different. He had a long, too large hoodie, messy hair, dead eyes. His shoes were dirty and ruined, his back curved. Seungcheol smiled anyway, and approached him when Jeonghan went to the bar counter. He was not alone. A beautiful, tall boy was near him, and was stroking his back. - Do you want something to eat, Hannie?
Seungcheol’s heart broke. Was that Joshua? His ex? Were they back together? Maybe that was the reason Jeonghan didn’t show up. But there was something so messed up in Jeonghan’s eyes, in his posture. And he was so worried that thing passed in second place.
Jeonghan shook his head.
- Dear, you need to eat something.
- Leave me alone, Shua.
Seungcheol came closer, and smiled, even if he was worried. - Jeonghan!
Jeonghan turned. Slowly. Fear in his eyes. And the boy with him turned, too. - Can we help you?
That boy was so pretty. Not prettier than Jeonghan, nobody was, for Seungcheol. But he was pretty, with his brown deer eyes, his full lips and beautiful features.
- I’m… I’m Jeonghan’s friend. Jeonghan. - he stretched a hand to the boy, who withdrew. Joshua frowned. - You’re scaring him.
- No! I… I’m his friend! I swear! We met here. In this bar! We kissed, we… Jeonghan, tell him! - He made a terrible mistake: he took Jeonghan’s wrist. Wrong move. The blonde began to scream, but not like the first time they met. He yelled in fear. - Get the fuck away from me! Don’t fucking touch me!
Seungcheol was speechless. He just stood, and retreated his hand, burned, motionless. The boy he kissed, the happy and energetic boy, was now… Scared? Of him? What did he do? Did he scare him in some ways? Did he do something wrong to him?
The other boy held Jeonghan in his arms, and looked at him. Seungcheol shook his head, as saying: “I didn’t do anything, I swear”
Joshua nodded, making lip movements: “It’s not your fault.”
That evening, Seungcheol returned home with a weight on his shoulders. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what he did to Jeonghan, why did he scare him so much?
He ate alone, some sad pieces of bread and some salad. He wasn’t really hungry. He was sad. And while he was eating, he received a voice message from an unknown number. He frowned, bringing his phone to his ear to listen to that message.
“Hi. It’s Joshua. I was at the bar today. Jeonghan gave me your number, after a fight. I wanted to tell you he is sorry for his behavior. But I think he doesn’t have to be sorry. Wait, let me explain. I know you’re hurt, okay, and I’m really sorry for that. Jeonghan is not feeling really well lately. He didn’t come to the bar because he had been in a depressive phase for a very long time, and he didn’t want to see anyone. He’s been in his house for a week, he didn’t have a shower, he didn’t wash his plates, he didn’t go to work. And, no, we’re not back together, if you’re guessing. I love Seokmin from the bottom of my heart, and with him I found the peace I had lost. Not because of Jeonghan, because it’s not his fault. The fact is, Seungcheol, that - there was a short pause - Jeonghan is mentally ill. And I’m going to explain to you a lot of things you maybe didn’t understand at first. Now, I’m not a doctor, but I know Jeonghan very well. When you first met, Jeonghan shouted about some things, right? Was he enthusiastic, was he energetic, was he impulsive? He was in a manic phase. And I’m not saying anything he does is dictated by his manic phases, because it’s not. We love Jeonghan because he’s spontaneous, he’s pleasant, he’s pure happiness. But sometimes, his emotions become exaggerated, flowing out in a manic phase. Conversely, he’s now in a depressive phase. There’s no need to explain that to a physics teacher, I guess you’re really smart. When he enters a depressive phase, he doesn’t want to see anybody. And sometimes becomes aggressive, untreatable, and wants to be left alone. He doesn’t eat, he doesn’t go out. He just sleeps. Today I obliged him to leave his house, and it has been difficult. He scratched my arm until it bled. And sometimes he forgets to take his medicines, so we're worried. But when he met you, he looked more like himself than ever. So please, don’t blame him. I know it’s difficult, and you have any logical reason to go, but give him a second chance. Please. I have been angry with him a lot of times, but now I understand that it’s not his fault. He blames himself, every damn time. I won’t force you to forgive him, but I beg you to understand him. Okay, bye. Thank you for your time.
And immediately, Seungcheol started crying. “What should I do now?” He loved himself so much he knew that he shouldn’t forgive Jeonghan. But that boy was sick, and he had to understand that. But he was hurt, really hurt. Now, he knew it wasn’t his fault. The thought of Jeonghan’s dead eyes made him cry even more. He was hanging by a thread.
He wrote: “Thank you” to Joshua. Just that. It was enough. A thought came to his mind.
“Do I love him?”
And the answer came at the speed of a lightning.
“Yes”
Stupid, stupid Seungcheol. You fell in love with someone you saw a few times in a bar. But the someone in question was full of energy, and happiness, and passion. And was beautiful, and artsy, and creative. Someone could have taken him as a crazy, romantic lover. But he didn’t care. He only cared about Jeonghan. So he bright his cellphone again, and wrote to his lover.
“How are you?”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I asked, How are you. ”
“Everything sucks, Cheol.”
“Can I come over?”
“Of course.”
Joshua opened the door for him. Seungcheol brought some flowers from the only florist open at that time. Joshua smiled. - Thank you for coming.
Seungcheol had to hold back his tears. - Where is he?
- He’s sleeping.
Joshua made him space, making him enter the house. - His room is in front on the right.
The house was as pretty as Jeonghan. There were a lot of books and wood libraries, record players, and a green sofa in the center of the living room. The kitchen was united with the living room, it was small and modern. But Seungcheol’s attention was concentrated on the boy who was sleeping in that room. When he entered the room, he saw the most beautiful vision ever. Jeonghan was laying on his bed, which looked so big under his little body. He approached the small figure, stroking his hair, trying to not wake him up. He would've waited for him to wake up. Maybe he was dreaming of a better world, a world where mental illnesses didn't exist, where he was fine, where they were fine. He kissed his forehead. Small breaths were coming out of his nose, his chest rising and falling peacefully. He looked so angelic Seungcheol wanted to cry. And he cried. Until he heard a voice.
- Loser.
Seungcheol laughed, wiping away his tears. - Fucking menace.
Jeonghan sat, looking at him. - I’m so sorry for this morning.
Seungcheol stroked his cheek, kissing his forehead again. - It’s okay. You don't have to be sorry.
- Did Shua…
- Yes.
Jeonghan nodded, taking his hand. - I understand if it's too much for you.
- It’s not too much. Love it's not convenience. It's not ease. Love is something more. It's giving everything, even your peace, for someone you love and live for. And I love you, Yoon Jeonghan. With your perks, and with your merits. I loved you from the first time we met, really.
- You’re a fucking loser.
- Please, don't
- I’m joking.
- Yeah, I know. But… Jeonghan, I think you're a special person. And a special person has to be defended. And I know you're hurt, now. I know you're depressed. And I’ll do anything in my power to stay with you.
Jeonghan hugged him, with all the strength his thin arms could have. - I love you too.