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Kanade shifts in her seat, sweat gluing her legs to the chair. Peeling them off makes an unpleasant sticky noise.
It’s so hot. She hates summer.
Like… it’s already hard enough to keep her room cool, and when she goes outside, it’s even worse. She can’t even wear her favorite jersey without getting covered in sweat. It’s the worst.
…And the AC is broken, and all it does is blow air, and nothing gets cooler, and she has no idea what to do about it…
She really does feel like a prisoner in her own body. And she’s sweating through her shirt, and it feels gross. When she lived alone, she’d chill in just her bra all the time this season. She can’t do that with her living situation now, though, right? Oh God, but it’s like hell in here…
Glancing over at the desk across the room, it seems like Mafuyu is doing perfectly fine despite the heat. Is there no justice?
She squirms. The sweat makes her want to crawl out of her skin like a snake. This is it— she can’t take it anymore. It’s her own house, after all.
“Hey Mafuyu… you don’t mind if I take this off, right?” she asks, holding her shirt. She tries not to die from embarrassment.
He blinks. “No. It’s your house. You can do whatever you want…”
God, now she’s really regretting this, and her neck grows hot from embarrassment. But she hates, hates, hates the feeling of something sticking to her skin. The air is too warm in here.
She pulls her shirt over her head, balling it up and throwing it vaguely in the direction of her laundry. Too late does she realize Mafuyu won’t be happy about that. Mercifully, though, he doesn’t say anything, just eyes her from his corner.
Stretching, she gets back to work, resuming her horribly bent posture. The breeze from the fan washes gently over her bare skin, and yeah, that’s better. She feels kinda weird about it, but it’s not so bad. Mafuyu is Mafuyu, after all. He doesn’t really care about things like that. Or at least, not that she can tell.
Ugh… whatever.
The whole thing leaves her feeling rather embarrassed, really. Like she crossed a line she shouldn’t have. Hopefully Mafuyu is fine with it…
Even though he already said he was…
She spins around in her chair, and decides to try and forget. One thing she’s exceptionally bad at.
The peace lasts for about a week.
It’s the hottest it’s been all summer, and Kanade had to go out in the afternoon. Essentially, the worst fate imaginable. She tried to stay in the shade and everything, but in the end, she was just too exhausted.
Stumbling home, she collapses onto the doorknob and fumbles it open.
The sight inside makes her rub her eyes to make sure she’s not hallucinating. Mafuyu’s eating a sandwich at the table, and his shirt is very much unbuttoned.
He glances up. “Hi.”
Kanade doesn’t stare, she doesn’t, she really tries not to, and almost trips walking to the fridge. “H… Hi.”
“…If the heat messed you up so much, you should come sit down.”
Thanks, but it’s not just that… She’s too dizzy to say anything, though, so she rummages through the fridge for an instant ramen instead, running purely on habit.
Mafuyu cranes his neck to see what she’s doing. “Kanade, that’ll make you warm up even more. At least drink something first…” He turns to face her, holding out his own glass of water. “Here. I’ll get more.”
Wide-eyed, she stares at him. What?? Can you just do that? She shouldn’t take it, right? But oh god she’s thirsty. Is it okay to just drink it, or should she, like… pour it into another glass…? No, that’s stupid. Ugh.
She takes the glass anyway, gulping down all the water that’s left. Man, that’s refreshing. Without it, she might have collapsed right here in the kitchen.
Wow…
“Thanks…” she mumbles.
“Sure.” Mafuyu looks at her a bit weirdly. In the way that he’s the weird one.
Ohhh, she should not be making a big deal about this… but like. Mafuyu doesn’t seem like the drink-sharing type. Why did he do that? What’s going on??
None of this should be strange. They live together, for God’s sake. Not everyone’s totally dressed all the time in their own home, and the water thing is totally normal, right? Yet somehow, it’s still getting to her. Is she being creepy about this? Is it sexual harassment? What if she should just die?
Internally screaming, and externally exhausted, she waters her ramen regardless. It’s gonna be a long afternoon.
Kanade doesn’t wear much to sleep in the first place, and she rolls with even less when it’s warmer. She’s used to just wearing a bra and shorts every night, but she doesn’t expect Mafuyu to start doing the same thing.
Which means of course he does.
The first time he walks into her room, she does a double take. She likes looking at him, normally, just as a general thing, but right now it’s a lot more difficult to even look away. Her face heats up, and she tries to will herself into the ground. It’s so embarrassing. She shouldn’t be this easily influenced. But it’s hard not to be. He’s nice-looking. And kinda beautiful… not in an unusual way, or anything.
Goddammit. Why does she hate admitting this to herself. Kanade is very much in love with this guy, okay, and he’s really been testing her recently, and things are going way too fast, and she wishes she could just lie down in a cool house for once, and…
She swallows, becoming normal. “…Um. Hi.”
“I wanted to say goodnight.”
“R-Right… Goodnight, Mafuyu…”
As he turns to leave, she remembers. “Wait… It’s really warm right now. Is it cool enough in your room? It never even had AC in the first place, so is the fan enough?”
He pauses. “The windows are open, so when I have it running, it’s alright.”
“Okay. I just wanted to make sure you can sleep well. And stuff.”
“…Yeah. I can do that.”
Kanade sits awkwardly. How does she end the conversation? He isn’t doing anything.
“Goodnight,” he finally says, and his bare footsteps slowly fade.
Once she hears the sound of the door shutting, and she’s sure he’s really gone, she buries her face in her hands, wishing she could scream. She literally doesn’t even want to be weird about this. Mafuyu is just trying to be comfortable in her house, and Kanade can’t help but feel her face heat up every time. And be weird about it.
She never thought she’d care about looks in terms of liking a person. It’s not why she fell for him in the first place, but by God is it making everything worse. She wishes it wouldn’t matter, and she could just stop thinking, but her brain loves to work overtime.
Something about physical closeness has felt too inviting to her lately. Maybe it’s because the two of them aren’t very touchy-feely. Well, except for a few times, where Kanade would hold his hand in an attempt to calm him down, and it seemed to short-circuit his brain. Maybe he’d actually like it if she was more touchy-feely.
Ugh, if it weren’t for this stupid heat… It wouldn’t even feel nice to cuddle right now… It’d just be sweaty and uncomfortable…
Her issue isn’t even the touching… it’s more like: if Mafuyu did think the same way, and wanted to be more affectionate too, then she’d be happy simply knowing that. Is some confirmation too hard to ask for?
God, she’s dumb. At that point, she might as well confess her feelings, and wouldn’t that be something.
Shoving her head under her pillow, she sighs. She wishes she didn’t have to make up these problems to stress over… Mafuyu probably doesn’t worry about this stuff at all…
Her head hurts. It’s too warm to sleep just yet. Time for more computer, she supposes. The same as every night.
One afternoon, Mafuyu brings popsicles home. He went to the store on his way back from school, he says. Obviously, Kanade had to come to the kitchen to investigate.
“I hope they didn’t melt on the way home,” she muses, foot tapping impatiently.
He unzips the bag he’s holding. “It’s in this… they should be fine.”
A freezer bag. Kanade didn’t even know they owned one. That’s pretty cool.
Over the kitchen table, she attempts to pry open the box. It rips a little bit, and she cringes.
Mafuyu takes over, easily pulling the top open. “You’re supposed to open it this way,” he says, pointing at a flap she hadn’t noticed.
“Sorry.”
“It’s not a problem. The box isn’t important anyway.” Huh.
Kanade looks inside. There’s a few flavors, and she takes a red one. It’s supposed to be strawberry. She’s always liked them.
“Do you have a favorite?” she asks. “It’s okay if you don’t know…”
He blinks at her. “I can’t really tell the difference.”
“Oh.” What a stupid question. She forgets, so often, that he can’t really taste at all. “Right.”
“When I was little,” he says, looking thoughtful, “I liked the grape ones. Because they were purple. Like me.”
She can’t help but laugh. “That’s really cute…”
“Is it?”
“Oh. I guess I thought so.”
He ponders. “Do you like those the most? The strawberry.”
“Yeah,” she says, smiling to herself. “I’d only eat these when I was younger. Never any other ones…”
“Why?”
She laughs, a little embarrassed. “I loved strawberries, and I was a pretty picky eater back then. To be honest, I still am now… but you guys are really good at working around it. So, um. Thanks for that.”
“Oh.” He blinks. “It’s nothing.”
She tears open the plastic, and finally, finally takes a lick, savoring the taste. Cold… and, somehow, her heart hurts. It’s nostalgic, sweet. God, it’s been a while since she had one of these.
“Open yours,” she says, before putting hers back in her mouth. “They haven’t melted much at all.”
Mafuyu pulls the plastic down to the handle so he can hold it, probably to avoid getting his hands all sticky. That would have been smart.
He leans down, taking a small bite.
She cringes. “Mafuyu… your teeth are gonna get cold if you do that.”
“That’s fine,” he says.
He’s so… something , sometimes. Regardless, Kanade keeps eating her popsicle. It’s so delicious. She was dying in here, miserable with sweat dripping down her neck. The chill juice washes down her throat.
She blinks, and Mafuyu’s almost done. What did he think was gonna happen?
“Hey, Mafuyu… don’t you want it to last longer?” she asks. Now she feels bad for taking so long…
“I don’t know.” He slurps the last piece into his mouth.
“The point is to cool down… right?”
He chews the stick absentmindedly. “Guess so. It felt nice for a little.”
“Then…” She sighs. Never mind.
Mafuyu’s tongue is purple. It showed when he spoke. Maybe it tastes good, too…
Kanade lies sprawled on her stomach on the wooden floor, her skin gluing itself to the smooth surface. She’s defeated. No more work until later…
Walking by, Mafuyu nudges her with his foot. “Are you okay?”
She groans. “It’s whatever… Just let me die…”
“Need anything?”
“I’m okay. Thanks, though…”
He steps over her to get to her desk, and takes something. Kanade wonders how easy it would be to fall asleep on the floor, and wake up later when it’s at least a little cooler.
Something plunks down in front of her. It’s her water bottle…
“Here.”
“Thanks,” she mumbles, not moving.
He doesn’t, either. What part of not making her do anything did he fail to comprehend?
After a moment, Mafuyu seats himself on the floor right beside her, and pulls her into his lap.
She squeaks in surprise. “What—“
“It’s open,” he says, handing her the bottle. “You have to drink some.”
Still in shock, she accepts it, taking a huge gulp. Her heart is tripping over itself. It pounds in her ears so hard she’s sure it’s audible.
A little water spills, and she swallows, wiping her chin with her hand.
“It’s possible to get heat stroke even indoors,” Mafuyu says, while she struggles to concentrate. “You should be careful…”
“O-Okay,” she stammers. “I’ll pay more attention.”
Oh God, what the hell does she do. Her body feels so heavy on his legs. She swallows, unable to control her breathing; she’s totally frozen. (Though not temperature-wise, unfortunately. Sigh…)
A hand on her back.
“I need to get up,” says Mafuyu.
Mortified, she clambers off his lap. “Oh my god. I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m… I’m sorry. I don’t know.”
He rises, turning to leave.
Kanade’s throat is dry, and she can’t figure out how to tell him that wasn’t a bad thing, without revealing it made her feel very interesting, actually.
God is testing her every day of her pathetic life.
Why can’t he touch her again, for real this time? So they don’t have to play this game over, and over, and over. He must hate her, a little bit, for being too into it. Touches that linger. A hand she won’t let go of. It’s okay; she does too.
As his footsteps recede, she curls into a ball. The heat’s getting worse. Her head is throbbing.
She takes a drink. The water is still cool.
“My grandma said they’re coming to repair the AC today,” Kanade says, in between bites of ramen. “Do you think you could let me know if the doorbell rings? If I don’t hear it.”
Mafuyu types something on his keyboard. “Sure.”
“I don’t know how much more I can take,” she sighs, leaning towards the fan blasting air on her face.
“Yeah. It’ll be nice.”
“Plus…” Kanade looks out the window, cringing. “I can finally leave the curtains closed. It’s so bright. All the time.”
He side-eyes her. “Sunlight is good for you.”
“If that’s true, it shouldn’t hurt me…”
“It keeps you healthy. And being in the dark makes your depression worse.”
Damn. She was hoping that wouldn’t be true. But she has been feeling decent the last few days… if troubled…
“You’re right,” she says, begrudgingly. “But I don’t like it.”
Mafuyu raises his eyebrows. “Good thing you don’t have to.”
Her heart skips, and she instinctively curls in on herself in shame. Goddammit, why was that attractive. She just likes it a little too much when he gets snarky. Call her crazy…
“Kanade?”
Shoot. She coughs. “Yeah. Yeah, I just… got… a cramp…”
“Where?”
Shoot . “Um… my. My neck.”
He cracks his knuckles. “Do you want a massage? My mom used to do it for my dad sometimes when he came home from work.”
What. “A— You want to… to me.”
“Well, do you want it?”
She feels her face heat up. “I’m— I’m okay. But thank you…”
Yeah, is he kidding? Does he want to kill her or something?
“…Are you sure? It’s really no big deal.”
“I’ll be fine,” she says, too quickly. She spins her chair really fast to get rid of the influx of nervous energy. It doesn’t work. And now she’s dizzy.
If only she were alone, so she could just slam her head on the desk. That wouldn’t actually make any positive change; she just feels crazy right now.
She needs to stop freaking out, but that’s never gonna happen.
Kanade feels restless.
The AC is fixed. She can finally exist in the house without a headache and wanting to melt into the floor every day, sleep without a fan blasting her face full power. It’s like heaven.
But it’s Monday afternoon, and she misses Mafuyu…
Sigh… At least it’s finally a livable temperature in here. If nothing else.
Wait. Poor Mafuyu still won’t have it in his room… but that means he might spend even more time in Kanade’s room, with Kanade.
She’s a genius! All this time, she was moping about how he wouldn’t wear his shirts open anymore.
Oh shit. Just kidding— she didn’t do that. Nope!
She hugs herself like that’ll get rid of her embarrassment. Time for music…
Mafuyu’s home. He tapped her on the shoulder mid-YouTube video, so of course she jumped in surprise, only to realize it’s just him. Something that happens, unfortunately, quite often.
Right now, he’s doing his homework with her in her room. Well, “with her” implies that she’s helping. She is not. Instead, she’s swiveling around in her chair, half-trying to work, when she’s spending most of her time sneaking glances. Yes , at him. Like a high school girl with a… oh, right, she is one. Hmmm.
Now, why is she acting like this? Because, well, she’s been a little obsessed with him these past few days. Like, this… thing has been happening for a long, long time at this point. But it’s gotten so unbelievably out of hand. The thoughts she’s been having are making her paranoid, because what if her soul is bare and Mafuyu can see what she’s thinking? What if he hates her? It’s so stupid, but it’s ruining her. The way she talks, the way she acts, it all feels different now, because she’s hiding a secret .
He isn’t paying attention right now, of course. Something’s got him concentrating hard; he’s spinning his pencil in his hand, staring intently at his papers. Honestly, she has no idea what subject he’s even doing. They’re probably about equal in terms of school level at this point, though. Mafuyu is smart, and Kanade’s a few years ahead. (Well actually, she’s been slacking on it recently, so who knows…)
“Kanade?” he asks, glancing over. “Do you need something?”
“Shit— uh, I mean… I was just zoning out. Sorry.”
His lips curl in an expression that could almost be described as mirth. “Do you usually have to stop yourself from swearing?“
“Um.” The back of her neck grows hot with embarrassment. “I don’t usually say things like that. But sometimes I get caught off-guard.”
“Hm.” His gaze lingers for a second before going back to his work, any trace of amusement gone. Leaving her to wonder if she’d imagined it.
But no… that’s not the case. Mafuyu’s been getting bolder, more expressive; at this point, it’s undeniable. Why? Who said he could do that?
Well, what she means is that it’s strange, but… good. But very, very strange. Mafuyu seems to be weaponizing his newfound charm to worm his way further into Kanade’s poor little heart. Dear God is it working.
“Hey…” she starts, getting his attention again. “Do you wanna take a break for a little bit? You’ve been working for a while, so…”
He blinks. “…Do you need me for something, or are you concerned for my health?”
She fidgets, shy all of a sudden. “Um… well… I just wanted to hang out. For a little bit. But also, it’s about time for a break anyway.”
Mafuyu gives her a look. “Aren’t we always ‘hanging out’? We live together…”
In the moment, Kanade is struck by just how much she wants to tell him the truth. Why she so desperately needs him. What he does to her without even trying. He’s being so… coy about it. She can almost convince herself he already knows.
How many more days can pass where neither of them acknowledge it? They orbit around each other, safe and happy, as long as nothing changes. And for once, she wants something to change, which is alien to her, and it makes her feel small and scared.
What she says is, “I missed you today.”
…Instantly regretting it, of course, and trying her best to stay cool. Why did she decide it was a good idea to be honest? She always goes too far.
Mafuyu finally, finally, pushes his school stuff aside, leaning over the table on his elbows. When he speaks, he isn’t derisive, but concerned. “Is everything okay?”
Hiding behind her knees, she spins in her chair. “Sorry. I didn’t mean… like, that anything bad happened. I just…”
Breathe.
“…wanted to spend time with you.”
Breathe.
She said it.
Mafuyu shifts, looking vaguely lost . He fidgets. “You just wanted to…?”
“Yes.”
Every aspect of his body language makes it clear that he was not prepared to receive this information.
“Sometimes, when I’m at school,” he says, too unsteadily, “I wish you were there with me.”
She freezes.
“Even though we’re usually together at home… So,” he concludes, refusing to make eye contact. “I get it… I think…”
Somewhere in her brain, a fuse is blown, and she blunders through the smoke for the one thing she actually wanted to ask.
“Want to listen to stuff with me?” she blurts.
His eyes widen, and he nods, slowly. “I… yeah. Not for too long. I still have work to do.”
“…Yeah. Yeah, of course.”
She rummages in her bedside drawer for her earbuds. “And. Do you wanna come over here. It’s more comfortable…”
“Okay,” he agrees, as she climbs into bed. He gets up, and pauses before snuggling in right beside her.
Kanade fidgets with her phone, pulling up an artist that she’d been meaning to share with him for a while. It’s been a while since they’ve listened to music together, and rarely ever in person like this.
“This is a little nostalgic,” he remarks, reading her mind. “We always used to listen to music together when we first made the group.”
“Yeah,” she agrees, smiling as she recalls the memories. At the time, that was the most hope she’d felt for years. She’d been so excited to find someone who she mattered to.
That someone sits beside her now, willing to do anything for her. She wants to protect him for as long as she lives.
She coughs. “I found this producer recently… I want to see if you’d like them. They have an incredibly distinct sound.”
“Sure,” he says, nodding. He scoots a little closer to put in his one earbud. It’s a little uncomfortable, but they get to be next to each other, so…
Kanade presses play, but it doesn’t make her any less nervous.
Just the two of them, lying there, using music to cope with everything else. Like it’s always been.
Actually, that thought is pretty calming.
She loves this song. The dissonant harmonies and echoing synths make her feel like she’s trapped underground. It feels strange to listen to sometimes, but she’s happy right now.
The peace is shattered when Mafuyu rolls over to face her. She’s almost never been this close to him before. He looks curious. He’s studying her.
She can’t bear it after a few seconds, and she asks, “What are you looking at?”
“You,” he says, simply.
She swallows, hard. Holy shit. Holy shit. This is really happening.
Now, she’d be content to just leave it at that, but she can’t let this moment pass her by like all the others. Because… because it’s different, and scary, and exciting, and nerve-racking, and new .
“Why?” she asks, heart thudding in her chest.
“I don’t know.” She holds her breath, although the response was predictable… but he continues. “I like it. A lot.”
Her heart soars.
“You can’t just… can’t just say that,” she manages, tripping over her own words. “You know what… it… you have to know. What it does to me.”
His breathing falters a little, but he says nothing.
It might just be the time. She’s terrified. The words come to her mouth, yet she can’t find the voice to speak them— that would mean bringing them into reality.
Oh, okay, she’s actually trembling , thinking about it. The only person here to help is him, and she needs his strength right now.
She reaches her hand towards his, searching, and as soon as they find each other, their fingers lace together as naturally as breathing.
It’s okay. They’re together, it’s safe, and she can do this.
“Mafuyu, can I tell you something?”
“Yes,” he breathes, and his demeanor changes, taking on a desperate quality.
It’s at that moment she knows.
Squeezing his hand until it hurts, she swallows through a closed throat, and says,
“I like you.”
He shines .
Arms clawing around her waist, he pulls her close, his face pressed against her chest.
“I think I do, too,” he murmurs.
She breathes, shakily.
They made it. They actually made it.
Her hands find their way onto his back, and rest is comfortable, tuning back into the music that sings in both their ears. Haunting, yet she can only be happy.
“I wanna be like this for a long, long time,” she mumbles, half her face squished into the pillow. With a pang of embarrassment, she realizes it’s way too early to start saying all that, and she shoves her face further into the mattress, mortified. “Sorry. Forget I said that…”
He shakes his head. “But I don’t want to forget. It made me feel something.”
Kanade’s fingers curl into his sweater. “Like what?”
“I…” he starts, taking a deep breath. “I liked it. It felt nice .”
Her tense grip relaxes, and she finds herself smiling. The kind where it takes you over, where you can’t stop even if you want to. She couldn’t have imagined ever feeling like this again. It reminds her of when she was a kid. Every day was so, so happy.
“You make me happy,” she says, voice faltering.
Mafuyu carefully withdraws from her arms, so she can see his face. His eyes are piercing, yet he doesn’t hide his fear, and he’s quiet as he says, “I think I love you.”
Her world is crumbling around her, piece by piece, yet all that falls is born into something new. It’s as if she’s been walking through life dead, and only now does she feel alive. The grays turn vibrant. Something she never knew she was missing, yet in this moment, she knows she’ll never be able to live without it.
Mafuyu is part of her, a vital organ that never fails to keep her frail body animated. She likes to think she’s a part of him too. God knows she tries to be.
Something inside her is desperate and hungry. It begs for mouth, for hand, for skin.
Heart hammering out of her chest, she inches forward, closing the distance until their noses brush. The earbuds get torn out at some point, but she barely notices. She always thought she’d be too scared to do this.
They kiss, easily.
Mafuyu goes in for another just as she tries to pull away. They blink at each other before Kanade hides in his shoulder, giggling half from embarrassment, half from sheer relief.
“Sorry,” she says, after a bit. “We can do it more later.”
Mafuyu can’t sit still; he keeps kicking at her legs. He pats her on the back. “Okay.”
She rolls over so their legs can tangle together. Maybe she’s scared, maybe it’s ‘cause she’s overwhelmed.
“I have to do my work,” says Mafuyu, snapping her out of any delusions. Right. Her disappointment must show on her face.
“Yeah, um. Totally.” She crawls off him, burning in shame. “Sorry.”
He shakes his head, tugging at her wrist. “Can you sit with me?”
Oh.
She smiles bashfully, mood improving as quickly as it had soured. “I will.”
A minute later, he’s cross-legged at the table, pencil scratching away at the page while Kanade rests her head in his lap.
It’s good. It’s better than good; it’s all she could ever ask for.
That night, when Mafuyu clings to her, fast asleep, she can’t find it in herself to be fully satisfied.
She realizes the cause… it’s way too hot with two people. Her legs are getting sweaty, and it’s not even that late. Is this really how she goes down? After everything…?
No. Gazing down at his calm, sleeping face, she decides that this time, she can stick it out — just this once.