Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Momma?"

"Hmm?"

"Sango said it was weird I don't call you 'daddy' again."

Chuuya stopped where he stood cutting up vegetables for their dinner. Sango's parents were the annoying pieces of shit, made sense. 

He looked over his shoulder to where Seiko sat at the table, previously drawing but now she seemed to just be doodling absentmindedly. It reminded him of Dazai. 

"Did you tell Naomi-sensei?" Really, what did these asshole parents have to do with what he chose to be called by his child? He knew for a damn fact that Sango's parents were the cause of this, always sending him annoying shitty looks. 

Yeah, he was a dude, he looked like a dude. Yeah, his kid called him 'mom', what of it? He didn't remember having a father, but the ones he'd heard of hadn't been great. Sure, he'd grown up in Suribachi and then the Port Mafia, but his point still stood. The closest he'd had to a parental figure had been Ane-san, so he'd had more attachment to being ‘mom’ than ‘dad’.

None of the other parents had an issue. None of the teachers had an issue.

"Mmhmm. But Itako told her to stop being a butt before that." She snickered and Chuuya couldn't help a grin. The daycare he chose for Seiko was very mindful of things like bullying. They had a lot of conversations with the kids and parents about what was and wasn't appropriate or mean. 

"Good. She was being a butt, wasn't she?" Seiko grinned evilly, the same familiar way they always did. 

" Damn right!" Chuuya had to press his lips tightly together and look away to avoid laughing and encouraging her cursing. He couldn't bring himself to call her out on it, it was Chuuya's own fault, but he knew he shouldn't encourage it either. "Momma is momma!"

He nodded, going back to cooking. "Don't feel like drawing anymore, starlight?"

"Mm-mm. Bored."

Chuuya looked back at her to see her kicking her legs under the table, arms tense where they stretched on the table. Energy. Hmm.. 

"You wanna go practice your dance to show me after dinner?"

Seiko perked up and started to rush to get off her chair, nodding enthusiastically before she began running towards her room. "Mommy can't look though!" She shouted from the hallway. 

"I won't!" He shouted back just as the door slammed shut. 

He smiled fondly as he went back to preparing their food again. 

Seiko always had so much energy, just like him. But she was much more witty, just like Dazai. Stubborn, like the both of them, too.

At this point, the similarities she had with them didn't hurt anymore. 

They had , it had been especially hard when he'd first seen her – eyes a dark brown he'd only ever seen on Dazai –, but as she grew and Chuuya was forced to mature for her sake, as he got to know her, it became first more of a melancholic feeling and then an afterthought. A constant afterthought, but that bastard had left him and Chuuya hadn't been able to find them and honestly? He was scared to look for them now. 

Chuuya had found out he was pregnant, and Dazai had vanished. He'd cursed them out at first, waiting for Dazai to come back as they usually did after periods of time they'd disappear for no reason. He'd dealt with the panic on his own in the beginning – he was 18, he was a Port Mafia Executive , and he was pregnant . 

A month had passed and Dazai still hadn't shown up, and Chuuya was scared, so he'd gone to Ane-san. He'd made her swear on her life she wouldn't tell anyone, wouldn't tell Mori . 

When Chuuya told her he was pregnant, he saw her concern morph into shock and then something that twisted his gut.

"Did you tell Dazai?"

"What do you think? That piece of shit's fucked off as usual but they still haven't come back."

Ane-san's lips parted as if to say something but no sound came out. He tensed up. She took a step towards him and he took one back on instinct. He didn't like not knowing what she knew, didn't like the concern and pity he could see in her gaze. 

"What?" He spat.

"Boy… Dazai… Dazai defected."

A beat passed. Chuuya felt the floor give out underneath his feet, the weight of nonexistent gravity. His heart sank into the dark pit beneath him.

The room started spinning, gaining traction. There wasn't enough oxygen. The air was sucked out of his lungs and he couldn't breathe- he couldn't fucking breathe- Dazai left him without even saying goodbye and now Chuuya was pregnant and he couldn't think, he couldn't breathe , he was going to die , pregnant with a fucking fetus that was half the person that didn't even care enough about him to tell him they were leaving, to fucking ask Chuuya if he wanted to come with-

His hand shot down to clutch his stomach as he gasped desperately for air. He could faintly hear a voice calling him but he couldn't recognize it and when arms wrapped around him, in a panic, he activated Tainted to push them away – it would work on anyone except the one person he wanted to be there – and whoever was calling him flew away.

Chuuya sank to the floor, arms wrapped protectively around his stomach as he began to feel faint and- why was he protecting it ? Why was he protecting this fetus? The clump of cells was a reminder of Dazai, of how much less he meant to them than they meant to him. They'd left him, hadn't even checked. And it was the only thing he had left of Dazai now. 

A shout pierced through his thoughts, and he looked up at the source. Ane-san was pinned on the floor, why? Golden Demon summoned behind her, in a defensive position. She looked hurt. Why was she hurt? Chuuya choked on a gasp as he realized and called off his ability. He was pinning her to the floor, he was hurting her.

Ane-san shot towards him and despite his attack, her own ability dissipated skid to a kneel in front of him, taking his face in both of her hands.

"Breathe. Breathe, boy. Four in, four hold, four out. With me, come on-" She made a show of breathing in and he attempted to copy her. 

It took a few tries, choking on nothing, until Chuuya's breathing evened out enough for a sob to rack through him. Then another, as Ane-san took him into her arms and stroked his hair and he ruined her beautiful kimono. He wasn't sure he'd cried like that before. He didn't know how to stop.

What felt like hours passed, slowly and agonizingly. Chuuya spoke with a voice so broken not even he himself recognized it, once the tears dried off and his throat and lungs hurt and his back no longer lurched with violent sobs. "What do I do?"

Ane-san took a long moment before replying, a deep breath. She pulled away slightly, running the heel of her hand over the tear stains on his face. "What do you want to do?"

"I don't know… I don't-… if Mori finds out, whatever happens will be the worst thing to happen. Ane-san…" 

She brought him back into a hug and tightened her arms around him. "He's…preoccupied with other things." Dazai defecting. "We have time to think, you have time to think, and I won't say a word to anyone , lad. I promise. Whatever you want to do, I'll help you. You don't have to deal with this on your own." 

Four years ago, he'd made the choice. It hadn't been an easy one, but at least he hadn't had to do it alone. 

He'd wanted to have the baby. Not for Dazai, not for their relationship, not for the fetus inside him at the time that would later be his sweet Seiko and some righteous bullshit about cells being more than just cells. 

No, it had been purely selfish. A selfish desire to prove to himself that a child could have a good life, he could provide his child with a good life. It'd been something implanted in him from his time with The Sheep, seeing all those hungry kids and all the ways their parents had failed them. It couldn't be all there was, shitty parents creating shitty lives for innocent children they shouldn't have had. And he'd wanted to prove it.

And what other chances would he be likely to get, working as a mobster, slim enough chances from all the experimentations and the God living inside of him, being on hormones and not having a cycle, the lifestyle he'd live if he hadn't kept the pregnancy? 

And God, had he cursed every higher being he'd heard of that somehow the very small odd of him getting pregnant had become a reality the way it did, at 18, with Dazai of all people who definitely did not look healthy enough to be fucking fertile – but it had.

So, four years ago, Ane-san had helped him defect. He'd been conflicted, scared. Life in Yokohama was all he'd ever known. But what other option had he had? Fuck , he did not want to have a child in the Mafia – near Mori . 

He knew the Boss would know Kouyou-san had helped him, but she assured him Mori wouldn't lose another Executive just to punish her for helping him. And she'd been right, she even kept contact with Chuuya to this day, asking about her darling niece and how both of them were doing. The only person from his previous life he still spoke to, the only one who knew where he was.

Chuuya haf moved to Kyoto, a long ways away from Yokohama and any ties to his past. Ane-san had made sure to help him go with a good amount of money to sustain him. He had Seiko, got himself a job moving cargo – really , what other qualifications did a street-and-Mafia-schooled orphan raised to fight have other than his ability? – and remade his life with his darling daughter.

Point was, he'd been mad at Dazai. But he hadn't heard of them since. Granted, he'd fled from Yokohama not too long after the other defected, but even Ane-san didn't seem to have information on them, so Chuuya had stopped asking. He'd rather believe that the bag of bandages was alive somewhere than dead. He'd rather not spend too long thinking about if maybe Dazai had found a way to live happily – without Chuuya . 

He was okay now. He was happy. He had Seiko.

Chuuya turned off the stove and gave the stir fry a few good shakes before setting the wok on the table. He placed two settings, one for himself and one for his starlight, and walked to her room to knock on her door.

"Dinner's ready, kiddo." He heard scuttling from the inside, smiling to himself. 

"Coming momma!!" Little pitter patter was heard from inside before the door swung open and dark little eyes stared up into his with a shine. "I'll show you after dinner!!! Momma's gonna be so prooouudd~!" She said while running off to the table. 

In the back of his mind, Chuuya wondered if this was how Dazai's personality would've presented if they'd gotten a nicer environment to grow up in. Or maybe it really was just the combination of both their traits that had made her into a brilliant rascal. He knew it probably had nothing to do with them, but Chuuya chose to believe it did. 

God, he hated that he wished Dazai would just come into their lives.

Chapter Text

"Aaanee-saaan~" 

She stared at the person in front of her wearing a cat-like grin. She'd had to deal with them to ensure Kyouka's safety, but now they clearly wanted to ask about something else, and she already had an idea as to what it was. Her gaze pierced theirs. "Drop the act. Tell me what you want." 

And just like that, the mask fell away somewhat. 

"Where's the slug? I haven't seen him or heard anything about him since I left." They still had a fake smile on their face, but their eyes no longer concealed the intensity of their emotions.

She snorted, couldn't help herself. "Oh, does the traitor care now ?" She sneered and Dazai's gaze darkened. "Chuuya defected after you did."

And wasn't that a sight? An expression as genuine as this on the Demon Prodigy's face? The lad's brows furrowed, eyes widened, lips parted in shock, before they schooled their face again. This time, none of the playfulness was back. 

"Don't lie. Chuuya wouldn't defect." 

Kouyou rolled her eyes. "The boy is loyal, but loyalties shift when circumstances do, Dazai." 

She could see the gears turning in their head, the frustration boiling over. Dazai was a genius, a prodigy, but even they had blindspots. The fact that this involved themself, Chuuya, and a pregnancy that Dazai was not aware of made the perfect concoction for something they would not be able to deduce. Probably. 

"Chuuya's loyalty isn't fickle like that." 

"What would I gain from lying, kid? When Kyouka's safety is in your hands especially. Is that why you did not ask him to defect with you?" She tilted her head.

That seemed to throw Dazai off again .

"He wouldn't have come." The poor thing sounded more like they were trying to convince themself of their decision than Kouyou, so she smirked in response.

Something flickered in Dazai's gaze. "Why did Chuuya defect, then?"

"It is not my place to tell you. That information is his to share with you or not."

"Where is he, then?"

Kouyou was silent for a moment. No one except her could contact Chuuya. Would he even want Dazai to know anything about him? He'd stopped asking about the other and having anyone else know how to contact him could put little Seiko in danger. How would Dazai even react to it? To having a child? It's not as if it was their place to know when they'd left Chuuya and the child alone, behind. They hadn't known, though… 

"I can ask him if he is willing to be contacted by you. That is as far as I can go.” She settled on.

" ' Willing '?" Dazai's tone was slightly bitter to accompany the twisted smile on their face. "Why wouldn't he be willing? I knew he didn't like me but I didn't think he'd be so desperate to never see me again."

Kouyou could feel her anger rising. "Do not forget who among you cut the contact. You have-" She took a deep breath. You have no idea the damage you caused by leaving him without saying anything . But she couldn't say it out loud. And she could blame them for betraying the Port Mafia, she could blame them for leaving without a word of goodbye to her, to Chuuya, but she could not blame them for what they didn't know. The kid had no idea Chuuya was pregnant when they left – according to Chuuya's own words, the frankly stupid teens both thought that testosterone and unhealthy habits were enough of a contraceptive. Dazai would not have guessed. 

"It's become more complicated than the petty squabbles the two of you used to have. I can ask him if he's okay with me giving you his information." Navigating this conversation was difficult.

"Don't bother." Dazai turned to leave.

She racked her brain for something to say – the right thing to say . She didn't know if it was it, but Dazai was leaving and they might not have this conversation again.

"There is something you have to know, but I can't be the one telling you, kid. This is about th-" their . She stopped herself, but she knew Dazai would pick up on the slip-up. "-his safety. There's a reason I'm the only one who knows. I have to be sure and ask him, I can't act on his behalf."

Dazai had stopped, hand on the door and ready to open it. They stood still for a couple of minutes. Kouyou could see their body tense and then relax. They gave a minute nod and left. 

When Chuuya's phone rang, with the ringtone he'd set for Ane-san specifically, he furrowed his brow. He was at work, walking through an aisle with arms stretched to touch all the items that needed to be moved with his ability. As he picked up the phone, boxes and containers suspended mid-air momentarily.

He stood silent as usual until he heard her voice. "The crisp moon ventures out." 

"You never call at this hour. Is everything alright, Ane-san? Aren't you in your office? Isn't this risky?" 

"I'm not in the office, I don't think anyone can listen but I won't say anything on my end to be safe. Can you talk now, boy?"

Not in the office? 'To be safe'?? "Ane-san, are we okay? Do we need to leave?" Fuck, he hated that this could be happening – how was he supposed to be a good parent when he might have to uproot Seiko every four-or-so years just so their lives wouldn't be in danger?

"You're not in danger. I can hear your anxiety from here, don't spiral. You're safe. No one knows where you are or that the weather is clear."

Chuuya let go of a breath that he didn't realize he was holding. No one knew about Seiko. "Alright, what is it then?"

He finished moving the cargo that was floating into place and signaled a coworker that he was going to take a break. The other line was quiet throughout. "Ane-san?" He began to walk away to a more secluded area and used his ability to suspend the phone by his ear as he put his hands in his pocket and leaned comfortably against a tree.

"Dazai joined something called the 'Armed Detective Agency'."

Nothing could've prepared Chuuya to hear that. He choked on his spit, jumpstarting a cough that had tears in his eyes. A detective agency ? So what, the most dangerous person in Yokohama had grown a conscience? The one that used to shoot dead bodies? They'd left Chuuya pregnant with their kid to go be a hero? Oh, there were the bitter thoughts, that was fast .

Ane-san waited for his coughing fit to end to speak up again. 

"They…they asked about you. They wouldn't believe you defected, they seemed… they seemed concerned with you, lad."

Chuuya scoffed. "Only four years too late for that."

"...Do you want to tell them?"

"No." 

Chuuya winced. Even he knew that answer was too fast. Ane-san's voice softened.

"Chuuya… I think you should at least speak to them. They do… the 'weather' concerns them too, you know? I'm not saying you have to tell them, boy, but you should at least speak to them."

"Why? The only thing they did was get me pregnant. They weren't there for the pregnancy, birth, or, you know, the first damn almost four years of her life." God, he hoped there were no coworkers listening to his conversation.

"They didn't know." 

"They didn't give me a chance to tell them."

"And for that, you have every right to be angry, as am I. And you can tell them how much of a piece of shit they are for not giving you a chance."

He bounced his leg, almost violently. "But what if they want to meet her? What if they don't? What if they resent me for having her and risk our safety? What if they don't care about her existence and act as if she doesn't exist? What if they want to meet her and then decide that this isn't for them and they leave and then she's scarred forever because one of her parents decided she wasn't good enough for them and abandoned her?" That one stung the most. "Can you even imagine Dazai as a parent?" 

"I couldn't imagine you as one, either."

Tsk. Well, he'd had to be one. Dazai had a much easier choice – one he kind of resented them for. Seiko was fine , she was a happy kid, she was alive and safe without Dazai. They didn't have to stay with Chuuya and Seiko if they didn't want to deal with having a kid. And that shit fucking stung. After a moment of silence, Ane-san spoke up again.

"I'll send you their contact. It's up to you whether or not you want to speak to them. I do hope you'll say something, though. Take your time, lad."

He took a deep breath, gave her a clipped 'thanks'.

"I have to go now, I already sent you the number. I'd love to ask about the weather but I can't do so safely right now. You owe me some stories for the next time I call you."

Oh, that brought the beginning of their conversation back into his mind. "Are you in danger, Ane-san?"

"I'm safe, though that doesn't concern you anymore, boy. You got out of the Mafia, you have more important things to take care of. I still have other kids to take care of too, you know?" She spoke fondly, and Chuuya couldn't help a soft smile. 

"Yeah, yeah, ever the damn big sister of the Port Mafia."

"Goodbye, lad. I'll speak to you later."

"Goodbye, Ane-san."

The call cut. Well, fuck. He couldn't decide if he was glad they were alive or bitter that they'd just left him. That they had been alive and hadn't even bothered to look for him. That they'd turned a new leaf, become ‘ one of the good guys ’, while Chuuya struggled through pregnancy, defecting, birth- everything . 

Would things have gone differently, if they'd known? If they'd just stopped to ask Chuuya to come with? If he'd found out sooner? Would they go differently if they found out now ?

He opened the contact Ane-san sent and stared, unsure what to say. She was right, and he knew that if he waited longer he'd never actually talk to them. He clicked his tongue and settled on texting them "call when safe" in their own spin on morse code. 

Chapter Text

They stopped by the underground hideout to leave the two girls with the defense team before they'd leave to contact Ango – alone, of course. 

Sigh , they really couldn't catch a break, could they? Chuuya had defected and might not want to speak to them. The ADA was in an open war with the Guild and the Port Mafia, who freed Q , whose ability had been used on Atsushi, who'd almost killed their secretaries. Dazai had had to get some sense back into him and dissolve Q’s doll, the Port Mafia had extended a ridiculous invitation for Dazai to join them again and now – now they had to go speak to Ango , the only person who knew how much Oda meant to them and with whom their relationship had gotten royally fucked on the count of Ango being a backstabbing double agent for the Gifted Unit and playing a part in Odasaku's death.

No, they really couldn't catch a break as they unlocked their phone and saw they had a message from an unknown number. 

. ..-. .-. .-.   --- -... -.- --.   .. ..-. .-.. -.-

Now, either some lunatic sent them "EFRR OBKG IFLK", which was highly unlikely, or – and they knew this – Chuuya was contacting them. They groaned. Of course . (If they were glad to know that Chibi was willing to speak to them, no one had to know.)

They suppressed the urge to call him right away, or say something like 'good dog, waiting for his master' as they could only guess it would make matters worse. It wasn't safe to call right now, and they didn't have time. They'd find an opening to call later.

Chuuya got off work that day, exactly on the dot as usual, and checked his phone. No answer from Dazai. He knew, he'd been way too focused on any vibration of his phone for the past hours, but he'd still felt the urge to check. 

Maybe they wouldn't call him at all, maybe they'd faked concern with Ane-san. 

He growled in frustration, kicking a poor boulder that was in his way, using Tainted to avoid having it smash something he'd have to pay for and dropping it back down. 

He'd been rid of this uncertain anxious feeling that always accompanied Dazai's actions for four years now, and of course it came right back as soon as the other existed within Chuuya's scope of knowledge again.

He got into his car and took a deep breath. He had to pick up Seiko from daycare, he had to get Dazai out of his damn head and go be present for his little starlight. He could do that.

Partially. He couldn't help a part of his mind thinking "what if they call now ?" every damn second.

He spoke to Naomi-sensei about Sango's comments, who assured him she'd already warned the parents of the consequences that would follow if this behavior continued. 

They went home as Seiko told him about the drawings she made and her friend's drawings and when they got home she showed him a drawing she'd made of him. And damn, he knew it was the most cliche thing for a parent to think, but he did really have the most talented child in all of Japan, and he'd fight anyone who disagreed. He wondered if Dazai would think the same thing as he hung it up on the fridge, next to countless other drawings – he'd have to find a new space to put new ones, again . Her drawings already covered the corkboard in the kitchen, the fridge and the cabinet doors.

A couple of days went by and, at this point, Chuuya doubted Dazai would ever call him. Maybe them going to Ane-san had been a fluke, maybe a lie – they always were pretty good at lying – or maybe they'd changed their mind. He tried not to show how much it got to him – not to Seiko, not at work. The only person who he could possibly talk to about this still hadn't called him back either, she was probably unable to talk at the moment. And fuck, Chuuya hated that. He hated that he had to feel the pit inside of him at Dazai leaving without saying anything again, a second time, even if this time he'd never really stayed with Chuuya at all. It was his own fault for getting his hopes up, right?

He'd gotten the urge to drink at night again, one he hadn't had for years. He couldn't bring himself to, not when Seiko could wake up and need him and he knew how drunk he'd get if he drank now. He resisted even as he felt the wine sing for him, argued with himself how it was unfair and he couldn't even let loose once in a while and just a little glass of wine wouldn't hurt anyone , but no. Chuuya knew himself, knew one glass would turn into six , then ten , and he'd get drunk out of his mind. It was the easiest way for him to cope with distress and he wanted to do better by his daughter. 

Then, as he was pacing back and forth in his room, fighting the ever present urge, Chuuya got a text back. It was excruciating to read, long strings of dots and dashes, and it brought him some comfort to know that Dazai had typed it for him even though it had to be even more excruciating to write it. 

"Still havent had a chance

Not safe

Will call when i can" 

His heart was racing and his mind couldn't decide if it was relief, frustration, worry or butterflies – the last one of which made him gag momentarily. Dazai wasn't safe – not safe to talk, at least? – but they had taken the time to text him, so they couldn't actually be in much danger, right? And they did want to call him, but now he had to dread the conversation and actually speaking to them again. 

Days passed and Chuuya went about his days as usual. The weekend came and, for as nerve-wracking as it was to be outside in a public space with his daughter when Dazai could call at any moment, he couldn't let that get in the way. So, he took Seiko to the playground and they went for ice cream on Saturday, then they had a cook-and-movie night on Sunday after a day of 'tricking' her to learn how to have fun with chores – something he'd had to learn by himself and if she was anything like Chuuya and Dazai, she'd need it. 

At night, after his little starlight went to sleep, Chuuya would sit on the couch and stare at his phone, as if waiting for Dazai to call, going over in his head the millions of possible ways the conversation could go and everything he wanted to say to them. 

One of those nights, the phone actually rang.

"Shit!" He muttered as he fumbled to pick up the phone and put it next to his ear. All the words he'd thought of flew out of his mind in an instant. The same seemed to happen to Dazai. They both sat in silence for a while, neither sure of what to say. 

"Hey." It felt awkward, and Chuuya winced.

"Hey…" He looked back into the hallway where his daughter was sleeping in her room and bit his lip nervously. "Hold up, let me go to the balcony."

"Woah, chibi has a balcony? How fancy." They sounded like the asshole Chuuya knew and he felt some of the tension and awkwardness dissipate. 

"Fuck off, balconies are perfectly normal. And don't call me that."

"Maybe where you are, but here balconies are just for fancy people." A tinge of sadness slipped through their joke, one that probably not many other than Chuuya could've picked up on. "...Why did Chuuya defect?"

Ah . There it was. Chuuya didn't know how much to share, despite how many times he'd thought about this conversation.

"Something happened that forced me to leave."

"Did someone hurt you?"  

Yes, you. But that wasn't what they were asking.

"The Port Mafia didn't do anything."

"...but I did?"

"......Yeah."

The other line was silent for a while.

"If it was just you leaving, I would've stayed in the Mafia, don't act so self-important." Don't drown in guilt . "It was something else, it just sucked that you fucking left without a word and I never got to tell you."

"...what was it?" They sounded guilty. He couldn't tell if he felt good about that or not.

"Dazai, you've been gone for four years. You changed sides, you're a different person. Shit's different and I don't fucking know if I can tell you, I don't know how you'd react."

"...you can tell me."

"Then you should've fucking let me four years ago. Now I- shit ." He took a deep breath. His voice was getting louder and he didn't want to wake Seiko up. "Why did you defect? And why did you change sides ?"

"It's complicated…"

"Yeah."

More silence. At this rate, this conversation wasn't going to go anywhere. He sighed. 'Seiko concerns them too' he grumbled at Ane-san's words replaying in his head.

"You left and I…found out about something. I waited for you for a month to come back only to learn that you had defected. The one time I needed you most, you were gone. For four years. I didn't even know if you were dead or alive. Ane-san helped me deal with the situation at the time but I… I was still… scared.” It sucked to admit, even now. “And you didn't know, but you would've if you'd told me something before you left, you asshole." 

He could hear small shuffling from the other side.

"I didn't say anything because I thought Chuuya would've never left. I-" they paused. "And I knew that if Chibi had asked me to stay I would've stayed just for him." Their voice was soft and Chuuya felt a lump forming in his throat. He probably would've.

“Why couldn't you?” It was unfair of him to ask, he was aware. It's not like they would've stayed much longer, given the circumstances, but why couldn't they stay together? 

“Chuuya… it's…”

"Complicated, yeah.” He completed it. “I guess it really was fucked, then, huh?" He half joked, voice cracking. "I needed you to talk to me before you left and you needed not to. I guess I lost to you again." He could feel tears stinging his eyes. 

"Chuuya-"

He sniffled, tilting his head up with his eyes closed to stop them from tipping over.

"Why is momma crying?"

"Fuck-!" He whipped his head to see Seiko standing in the living room hugging her favorite stuffed animal. Shit shit SHIT, he hoped Dazai hadn't heard – after how the conversation went, even an idiot could put two and two together. "I- have to go." He never pressed 'end call' so fast in his life. 

"Sorry, starlight, did momma wake you up?" He crouched down to her level since his panicked energy had probably made her more anxious. "I just got a little sad talking to an old friend, that's all, baby."

"Do you need a hug, mommy? You always hug me when I'm sad." Seiko was still standing in the living room while she spoke. She never liked people crowding her when she was upset, so she respected his personal space. He really had the sweetest kid. He smiled softly as he felt the waterworks start. 

"Yeah, I'd like a hug. Thank you, baby." He opened his arms and she ran to him, hugging him tight with one arm while the other secured Mr. Whiskers against her. He took a few deep breaths while hugging his daughter tight. He had to calm himself down, he didn't want to make her feel responsible for his own emotions. He was the parent, after all.

Chuuya kissed the top of her head. "Okay, I'm okay now. I just needed a moment." Little dark eyes looked up at him, as if to confirm he was telling the truth. He wasn't, of course, but she was thankfully too young to be able to tell. "Did I wake you, honey? You didn't reply before." 

Seiko's gaze quickly flitted to the side, in the way a kid's does when they're lying or hiding something. Chuuya narrowed his eyes. Rascal. "What were you doing, Seiko?"

She looked at her feet in guilt. "I was having a tea party…" She whispered. "Then I heard mommy's voice get loud and Mr. Whiskers said we should check on him…" 

"Starlight, we've talked about why bedtime is important." He reprimanded softly.

"I know! But mommy bought the teacups and I didn't get to try them!" Seiko pouted.

"If you go to sleep now, then Saturday we can have a little tea party together at the park, how about that? Now you're gonna be cranky and tired tomorrow, rascal." Chuuya pet her head softly, diffusing the little tantrum. 

"Do you promise?" She looked up at him with puppy eyes. 

"I promise. Come on, now, I'll tuck you in." He got up and stretched out his hand for her to take. 

He put her and Mr. Whiskers to sleep, then went to bed. Once he laid down, he felt a swarm of anxiety bubble up from his chest. He was sure Dazai had heard Seiko call for him.

His phone buzzed on the nightstand. He picked it up. He had a message from Dazai, "where are you??"

It wasn't even in code. He felt knots tighten in his chest and stomach and put the phone down again, turning in bed to face away from it. His eyes were stinging again and he shut them forcefully. Dazai was right to always call him a crybaby.

Chapter Text

Dazai knew that even though the ADA and Port Mafia had a sort of cease-fire after the fight with the guild, a defected ex-executive of the Port Mafia storming into the building was not exactly a good idea. Thing is: they didn't care.

They stormed into Kouyou's office and the woman's eyes only widened slightly before she sighed and brought her teacup to her lips.

"I can't make him talk to you, kid." Her calmness was infuriating.

"Then you can tell me where he is." They weren't playing this time; no mask, no manipulative words. They just wanted to see Chuuya, to talk to him, to know what the fuck happened four years ago. 

Kouyou studied them for a few moments, they took the time to walk in front of her desk and slam their hands down on top of it.

"I can't put their safety at risk." It was a test, they knew it, but the mention of they still choked them enough for them to fail it. 

"Kouyou, he has a kid old enough to talk properly that he didn't have when I left ." They felt their throat constricting around every word, it was hard to breathe. "What do you think I'm gonna do?" Their voice was raspy.

She quirked an eyebrow at the drop of honorifics, but replied honestly nonetheless.

"I don't know. Neither does he. He wasn't even sure how to tell you, scared of how you'd react, now you've found out unexpectedly." 

Was it always this hard to breathe? They never breathed easily, but they could've sworn all the oxygen was sucked out of the room. "I'm going to find out where he is either way, I'd rather not involve other people that don't know of the situation." If Kouyou wouldn't help them, they could ask Ranpo. But Ranpo would tell the President. He might tell someone else. He wouldn't, he wouldn't, right ? But what if he did? And what if they tried to use that to hurt Chuuya and- "What is her name?" They croaked. Their voice was so small in a way it hadn't been since their shitty childhood.

Ane-san's gaze softened. She looked conflicted, not sure whether to tell them. After a few excruciating moments, she answered them. "Seiko. Her name is Seiko."

They slumped on the chair across from her. The ADA wouldn't hurt Chuuya and… and Seiko, right? They were the good guys. And sure, Chuuya was one of the strongest ability users, but he defected just like Dazai, he wasn't a part of the Mafia anymore. Suddenly, they didn't know whether they could trust Ranpo and the ADA. Kouyou wasn't trustworthy either, in their eyes, but she already had the information.

"Don't make me involve other people. I don't want to put them in danger." They still couldn't get themself to say it properly. 

"Dazai." Her tone was strict enough it made Dazai snap their head towards her. "He's a parent, he has a kid. He had to start a whole new life. Let's say I do give you his location, what will you do once you're there?" 

What would they do? For once, they didn't have a plan. They hated that. "I- see him? Meet- meet my-" they covered their mouth, feeling nauseous. "Meet my kid ?" How could they go four years without knowing they had a- a child ? A little girl that was living her life away from them, from- 

A new wave of nausea ran over them. Oh . It finally clicked why Chuuya had defected and ran away far from Yokohama, from what they could tell. She would've never been safe. 

Kouyou sighed, tearing them from their thoughts.

"I can't believe I have to go through this twice over one pregnancy." Right, Chuuya had probably had all of the same thoughts as they were having right now, the same nausea, the same panic and confusion only he- he'd been pregnant and- and Dazai hadn't been there . Although she seemed reluctant, she covered Dazai's hand with her own, squeezing it. They hadn't even realized they'd left it there. "Is that all you'll do if you go there? Surprisingly, I really don't mean to sound cruel, but if you go there and spend time with them and then leave , again , both of them will have to deal with that weight forever." 

They could feel their eyes burning – burning ? Dazai didn't cry, they couldn't cry, they were meant to be emotionless, they were meant to be a mastermind, rational, cold - no- no, Oda wouldn't want that, Oda would've told them now to breathe, to feel their emotions, their humanity. He always believed Dazai was human, even when they themself didn't. Chuuya believed that too, didn't he? They squeezed the hand holding theirs back, even though it wasn't Chuuya's or Oda's. What would Oda have wanted them to do? What did Chuuya want? What were they supposed to do? Oda would've said to do the right thing. The good thing to do. Chuuya would've wanted them there – unless they were a coward and would abandon him and their kid again. 

Was Dazai even ready to be a parent? Was Chuuya ? How had he gotten pregnant? Why had he decided to keep it? Her . No, both of them would've wanted Dazai to not abandon Chuuya. But what was the right thing? They squeezed their eyes shut as they felt stupid tears building up. They wished Oda was here, they wished Oda could help. Oda had kids, and he loved them. No- that thought brought them down a dark path. Dazai was Dazai . What if- what if they went there and- and what happened to Oda's kids- a violent gasped sob racked through them.

They felt arms wrap around them with pressure. It helped, it helped and it didn't because now they couldn't stop the shitty sobs from bubbling up, one after the other. Dazai hated this. Maybe they should just die. That'd be easier, right? If they died they'd never put- put Seiko or Chuuya in danger and they'd never abandon them. Oda's dying words replayed in their mind. 'be on the side that saves people' they were, they were trying to- 'become a good person', 'save the weak and protect the orphans', they were trying, they were trying, they were trying. Why was it so hard? Why would Oda want something so cruel from them, why? They curled in on themselves. The arms wrapped around them tighter. 

"Talk to me, kid." Ane-san's voice was soft. They shook their head. 

"Is it because you don't want to abandon them?" They took a few seconds, then nodded.

"Do you think you'd be breaking down like this if you wanted to do that?" Fuck you . They curled further in on themselves. Her arms tightened again. The more they tried to close themself off, the more she tried to bring them back.

"I know it's scary. But they're safe. No one has found them and they've long stopped looking for Chuuya. The Port Mafia isn't looking for revenge on you anymore, the ADA is very unlikely to look for you if you go there. If there are others that might want to find you, do you really think Double Black wouldn't be able to protect their precious daughter? Chuuya says she has your eyes, you know?" A broken whiny sound escaped them. "She has big fluffy red hair like her momma's, but she has dark little eyes that shine when she's excited, just like you." She began to sway them. "Chuuya says she's so, so stubborn and witty. Has a sharp tongue, too. It reminds him of you all the time. He's missed you, even if he won't admit it outright. He's missed you all these years. I know you missed him too, kid…" Dazai was trembling in her arms, and they hated it. They could picture Seiko now, picture her with Chuuya and- and with Dazai there too. The sobs wouldn't stop coming and they were so embarrassing. 

"C'mon now, kid. Shhh…" She continued to sway them side to side. "If you want to go, nothing should be stopping you. You can take your time, we can talk about it, if you want to." They nodded. "Okay, now breathe with me, come on, kid."

Ane-san moved away from them once they managed to calm down somewhat. She studied them with a look before moving the paperwork on the side of her desk to the center of it, starting to write on it, as if Dazai wasn't there. They were thankful for it, as it gave them some time to process and sort out their thoughts, as well as regain their ability to speak.

They… they wanted to go. They wanted to see them, the two of them. No one had found Chuuya there… but it was scary. They- they weren't ready to be a parent. They had no idea what parents were even supposed to do, all they had was really just a shitty example of what not to be like from their own shitty parents. And they had Oda's example, they guessed, but they never really paid that much attention. How did Chuuya know? Actually, how did Chuuya always know how to take care of kids? He'd been an older-sibling-role-model in the Sheep, always taking care of the younger kids. Even with the terrifying menace that was Q, Chuuya had always gotten along with the kid. And now Chuuya had a kid of his own – their own. Dazai didn't really like kids, even, with their loud crying and their snotty faces and dirty hands always touching whatever they wanted and throwing tantrums left and right – ugh . Don't get them wrong, they were sure there were nice kids, but kids in general, they were kinda… eughy . But then they thought about how Ane-san had described Seiko. They thought about… about that tiny little voice so far away in the background of their call. "Why is momma crying?" She had sounded so careful, so worried. At the time, they'd been too busy freaking out to pay much attention but…

"What if I'm a bad parent..?" Their voice was soft.

Ane-san looked up from her paperwork at them. "Then, Chuuya will definitely hit you in the head until you learn." She said, simply. 

Dazai balked and huffed. Well, that was probably true. But still. "I don't know anything about kids…and kids don't usually like me." 

"She's your daughter, she'll love you. And again, you're not doing it alone." But Chuuya has been, for four years .

"What if someone comes for me, or Chuuya? I'm not exactly popular with anyone that's met me." 

Ane-san snorted a laugh. "As I said, if anyone can protect their kid, it's the two of you. Especially with you there, Chuuya can go all out. If I had to pick any set of parents to protect me, it'd be you two stupid kids."

They pouted, offended. They weren't stupid kids. 

"What if I can't do it?"

That got Ane-san to put down her pen. "Do you want to do it?" They nodded. "Then you can."

Dazai scoffed. "It's not that simple."

"Kid, do you think I just had all of the tools to act as a big sister to every single damn annoying child in this organization? Or that I was even ready at all to do so when it first happened?" They opened their mouth to reply, but she cut them off. "I didn't. I just saw a scared kid who definitely did not belong in a highly violent criminal organization and was way too deep in over their head, and I wanted to do whatever I could to help. Chuuya didn't know what he was doing with the sheep, either. He just found a bunch of scared orphaned kids like him who had no one to protect them. And, Lord, if you'd seen how much he was freaking out from the moment he found out he was pregnant until about one year into her life, you wouldn't feel so out of place. Even now, I get panicked messages every once in a blue moon like 'Seiko is fighting her imaginary friend with plastic swords and it's very physical, what the fuck do I do, is this normal?'." 

Their eyes widened. "Is it?" 

Ane-san shrugged. "I don't know. I told him to ask her doctor at her next appointment." 

Did Dazai give their crazy to the baby? Did Chibi give his crazy to the baby?? Was Chibi ever fighting imaginary friends with swords in his childhood?? 

"If you want to be there for them, I'll tell you where they are. You can sort out your things and I'll give you the location when you're ready to go."

"...Does Chuuya want me there?"

Ane-san's gaze softened again. "Yes. He's just scared you're going to freak out and abandon them."

"That makes two of us…" They muttered. 

Ane-san reached over the desk and hit the back of their head with her hand. They pouted. "Ow!"

"Then make sure you're certain that that's the last thing you'll do before you go. I'm not dealing with a third crisis from this situation." Her gaze was hard, but caring. It was odd. They'd only ever seen the sort of affection she'd shown them today a couple of times in their life. They supposed that was another thing to resent Mori for – keeping them away from Kouyou-san. They'd always just thought she didn't like Dazai specifically. Eh, maybe she didn't. "Do you want to stay here longer or do you want to go sort your shit out, kid?" 

They wanted to hear more about Seiko, but they could hear it from Chuuya…and meet her. Dazai stood up. "Sort my stuff out." They turned to leave. "Thank you, Ane-san…" they muttered.

"You're welcome, kid." The smile in her voice was audible.

Dazai left.

Chapter Text

The following morning, Chuuya woke up feeling more tired than usual. As soon as he opened his eyes, he felt his stomach churn with anxiety. He took his phone from the nightstand after turning off his alarm, a feeling of nausea overtaking him when he saw two missed calls from Dazai and a good few amount of messages. "Chuuya", "Chuuya pick up the phone", "why do you have a kid??", "where are you?", "just tell me where you are i have to see you". He stopped reading at that point, running to the bathroom to loom over the sink, hand on his throat. He looked in the mirror and saw a mess of himself staring back. It only made the nausea worse, he gagged. 

He couldn't do this, he knew it was a fucking bad idea to let Dazai know they had a kid – what the fuck was he thinking when he picked up that phone call? He was Chuuya and Dazai was Dazai. Didn't they dislike kids too? And now they knew. And fuck, what if they found out where Chuuya was, what if they came here? What if- no, Dazai wouldn't hurt them. That much he knew. He hoped . The Dazai from four years ago might've cut them out of their life if it was really bad but they wouldn't hurt them, ever.

The phone vibrated again and Chuuya fumbled to grab it. Dazai was calling again. He was going to be sick. Fuck. Okay, okay, okay, Chuuya could do this. He had to do this. He had to get a grip on himself, for Seiko. He silenced his phone and closed his eyes. He took one deep breath, then another. Four in, four hold, four out. Just like Ane-san always taught him. It's fine, it'll be fine . He'd call Ane-san later, talk to her. He glared at himself in the mirror. Get a fucking grip . 

After taking a hot shower, he was able to clear his mind a bit – push any thoughts about Dazai out of the way . He got dressed and went to Seiko's room to wake her up. With the whole thing, she'd stayed an hour and a half up past her bedtime, so he braced himself for a grumpy kid.

He knocked on the door and when there was no response, he knew she'd still be asleep. He opened the door and went into the room, sitting on her bed. "Starlight, it's time to get up." He ran his hand softly through her red mane, same as his. She made a small noise and shifted closer. "Come on, gotta get ready for school, baby." 

"Noo…" She whined, blinking her eyes open. 

"Yeah, we have to. This is why you can't stay up past your bedtime, remember? Then you're all tired and grumpy." He kissed her head. "But we still have to get up, even when we're still tired and grumpy. You have to go to school and momma has to go to work." 

"Mmmm…" she pouted. "I promise I won't stay up again, can I sleep more now, momma?" She pleaded with her signature puppy eyes.

"Mm-mm. You know how it is, love. Come on. I'll make you eggies on bread to cheer you up, but you gotta get up to eat them." That seemed to sway her, though she seemed resentful for it.

"Mommy's mean." She whined as she sat up and hugged him.

"Mmhmm, very mean. Good morning, Seiko." He rubbed her back in comfort.

" 'morning momma…" She grumbled in response. 

"Go pick out your outfit, I'll get started on breakfast. You better not lay back down, rascal." He tickled her slightly.

"I won't! I won't!! Momma! " Seiko said between frustrated sleepy giggles. 

He snickered and got up, making his way to the kitchen. 

Chuuya cut two circles from the slices of bread and started chopping the tomatoes and spinach into tiny bits. As long as things were tiny, the texture didn't bother Seiko much, same as him. He heated up the frying pan with a little bit of olive oil and placed the slices of bread and the circles he cut out on it, going to fetch the eggs from the fridge afterwards. He checked the eggs in a bowl with cold water to make sure they were good, then flipped the bread and cracked each egg into one of the circles. After a bit, he threw the tomatoes and spinach into the pan. He heard Seiko's steps from the hallway.

"I don' like mornings." She grumbled and sat at the table. He snorted.

"I know, starlight." He turned off the heat and grabbed two plates and cutlery, setting them on the table and kissing Seiko's head. He grabbed the pan and served them, sitting down across from her with a soft smile as he saw her face light up. 

They both loved this dish, so every once in a while, he'd make it. It was his healthier version of eggs and bacon, but it was still too caloric to eat too often. 

They dug in and ate in silence. Seiko would usually talk about all the things she was excited for in the day, but the poor kid was clearly too tired. She was gonna be out like a light at naptime. 

They finished eating and Chuuya took her to school, greeting Naomi-sensei and letting her know that Seiko had stayed up past her bedtime. He really liked her teacher, it was incredibly clear how much she cared about the kids. As he left, he saw Itako run to Seiko and the little grumpster complaining about something he couldn't hear. He saw Itako look at Naomi-sensei confused and her making a silent signal that the girl was sleepy, the boy's face morphing into an 'ooohhhh' expression. He smiled. God, he loved kids.

Chuuya went back to his car and drove to work, parking it in the lot and then slumping into his seat. He shot Ane-san a 'can I call?' text and the phone rang almost immediately after.

"The crisp moon ventures out."

"Are you safe to talk now ?"

"Yes, I just got back. I was thinking of calling you later, after Seiko's bedtime. Is everything alright?"

He slumped further into the seat, giving everything he'd bottled up enough space to pour out. "No." He whined.

"I'm going to assume that your whiny tone means 'no' on an emotional level, and not that you or Seiko are in danger."

"Yeah, sorry, we're safe." He thought about it for a second. "I think."

"What do you mean?”

"...Ane-san, Dazai called…" He couldn't even feel bad about his childish whiny tone. She was the only person he could talk to like this. He reminded himself of Seiko this morning, though. 

"Oh. How did that go?"

"It went horrible." She made a noise to keep him talking. "First, it was super awkward and I forgot everything I wanted to say, then both of us were reluctant to talk, but then I thought about what you said and how they have a right to know and shit and then I had this whole speech about how I found out about something before they left and that I'd needed them there and we were talking and the thing is that I'd raised my voice a bit and apparently Seiko had decided to not sleep and throw a tea party instead and so she came to check on me and then she spoke and Dazai heard her over the phone and now I'm pretty sure they know that…we have a kid together…"

"Oh- what did you do?"

He winced. "Hung up the phone and got Seiko to bed and then ignored all of their calls and messages…?"

"Boy." Ane-san reprimanded.

"I knooww! But fuck, you don't understand, they’re freaking out and keep asking where I am and saying that they need to see me and talk to me and I don't know what they’re going to do-"

"Stop it. Chuuya," He winced again. Ane-san only ever used his name when she was being serious. "I know you weren't ready to tell them, I'm sorry that this happened, but Dazai isn't going to bring you or Seiko any harm. You can't just avoid them forever. You know what they're like."

"Watch me."

"Chuuya."

"Ane-san."

She sighed over the phone.

"I'm scared. Okay? They're gonna come here and they're gonna see us and they're gonna see how everything is different and they're gonna leave. I don't want Seiko to have that kind of trauma, I-" He swallowed. "I don't want to go through that again. I got away from Yokohama, from all of the shit that's happened to me, and they already left me once." And here comes the guilt. After what Dazai had said last night about why they left without a word, Chuuya felt selfish for being hurt. But wasn't he allowed to? Even if they left because they knew Chuuya could make them stay, wouldn't that mean that they might abandon him without a word all over again? 

"You don't know that. Boy, I understand how you feel, but ignoring them isn't the way to go about it. You two need to sit down and talk it through. This isn't one of your petty fights when you were kids about some arcade thing, you two have a child together. And they're reaching out. Even after learning about that. Don't you think Dazai would've gone cold if they really didn't want to deal with having a kid with you?" That…was true. But still. "But they're not, they're still trying to talk to you."

Chuuya grumbled something incomprehensible into the phone. Ane-san was right, he knew that. It didn't make actually having that conversation any easier, though.

"Now, I believe last time we spoke I told you you'd have to tell me about Seiko. So?"

So, he did. It was fine to be a little late for work, he did more than any of his coworkers anyway.

After about two days, Dazai stopped messaging and calling. And fuck if that hurt. It stung. It hollowed out Chuuya's heart and made a home for the pain inside. The messages and calls gave him anxiety, guilt. He knew he should be picking up, responding, but he was scared to. But this? This, knowing it was partly his fault for not saying anything back? Knowing that it only took two days for them to give up on Chuuya and Seiko? That stung more than it had when he hadn't been able to tell Dazai at all, because now they knew , and they'd given up on them. In two days.

Chuuya sat at his kitchen table, eyeing the wine. He couldn't, he couldn't do that. Not like this, not when he knew he was going to get drunk to try and avoid his pain. He forced his gaze away by staring at the ceiling, tears clouding his vision. At least, Seiko was none the wiser. In her eyes, she had one parent, one mom, and that's how it'd always been. When she got to school, she'd asked, of course. All of her little friends had two parents. He'd panicked internally. Also because, considering that Chuuya was "mom", she'd asked about a "dad" and he was sure Dazai would've gagged at that title. He'd explained to her that with them, it was only Seiko and momma , there was no dad. They were perfect the way they were, just the two of them. Perfect . That had stung, too. 

He explained not everyone had two parents, some people just had less and some people just had more, and they weren't always called 'mom' and 'dad'. 

He couldn't really adapt the "your mom was in the Mafia and got impregnated by a person he trusted more than anyone who then defected and disappeared without saying anything or even knowing that your mom was pregnant and mom had to run away so your life and wellbeing wouldn't be in danger, effectively destroying any chance of letting your other parent know you existed" talk into something appropriate for a newly-turned three year old, so he'd stopped at that. Regular parent struggles, right?

He got up and went to bed. Not even bothering to do anything except remove the bare minimum of clothes he needed to remove. He stared at the other pillow. The stupid pillow on his stupid big bed that had never been fucking used. He had to cry it all out tonight, he'd promised Seiko they'd go to the park tomorrow. Fuck , he'd almost drank. Guilt overtook him as he closed his eyes and tears spilled from them, trying to cry as quietly as he could. He didn't want to worry his starlight again. He unlocked his phone and opened the chat with Dazai. He typed 'im sorry' as his lip trembled, sending it before he could stop himself. He set it back on the nightstand and turned his face to cry into his pillow.

Chapter Text

Chuuya woke up with an 'oof' as a child jumped on him. His child. He opened his eyes as he heard her giggle. "Well good mornin' to you too, cannonball." He grumbled and rubbed his eyes, feeling them still puffy from crying last night. Hopefully, she wouldn't notice. He put on a smile. " Someone 's excited for our tea party."

Seiko screeched and ran out of his bedroom talking about all the plushies she wanted to take with her. He dragged himself out of bed and then saw her little head peak through the door frame. 

"Momma."

"Starlight."

"Can I bring the stroller to put them on it." Her intense little dark eyes stared at him.

"You mean can I bring it since you'll get tired of pushing it around after ten minutes?" He challenged with a raised eyebrow, she pouted. "I'll make an exception today. But you have to take it yourself for as long as you can." 

Seiko shrieked again in excitement and scurried away. 

"Don't try to pull it out by yourself! I'll get it in a bit!" He shouted into the house and heard an 'okay!' in response. 

Chuuya went into the bathroom and closed the door, studying his reflection. He definitely had red-rimmed eyes, fuck. He was glad Seiko had been too distracted to notice, somehow , because that shit stood out.

He washed his face, and went into the shower. When he got out, he looked himself over again and, as expected, they were still pretty noticeable. So, he put some concealer on. Then while he was at it, he put on some eye pencil and a bit of eyeliner. He wanted to feel nice today and looking good always helped.

They had breakfast, Chuuya pulled out the stroller as promised, and Seiko put all of her stuffed animals inside as discussed, securely attached by the little belt. They packed a bag together with a picnic towel, the teacups and a bottle of ice tea – closest thing to tea an almost four year old would like, right? –, and went out the door. 

As expected, after a ten minute walk to the park, Seiko looked at him with a pout. He snorted. "Can you take it just a little bit more until we get to the park?" They could see it across the street, it would only be a couple of minutes. "Then momma will take it." 

She sighed in resignation, a sigh too heavy for anyone that small, and Chuuya had to look away and repress a laugh. 

They got to the park and Seiko got away from the stroller like it burned her and this time he did laugh. "Okay, okay, there you go." He took it himself. "Good job, starlight. See how you could do it?" He ruffled her hair affectionately and she hmphed, taking his hand to stick together. 

She'd run off earlier that year. Chuuya had called for her, she hadn't answered, so he'd just followed her a good distance behind – enough to see her and intervene if needed. He'd fought the overwhelming instinct to run up to her and grab her, as she wouldn't learn not to run off if he did. That time he didn't lose sight of her, but another time, he might've. 

He'd recited in his head all of the things he'd read to stop him from swooping in, about how it was best to let kids learn the natural consequences of their actions. This was a safe opportunity for her to learn that running off was dangerous, Chuuya was right there and nothing could happen to his little girl. 

She had finally noticed he wasn't there and started crying, scared. It'd felt like being stabbed by a switchblade covered in rat poison. He'd breathed in deep and ran to where she was saying 'there you were' and 'I was so scared' and 'this is why you can't run off, starlight' and they'd gone for ice cream to cheer her up after. She hadn't run off again since. He'd called Ane-san later that day once Seiko was asleep, drowning in guilt. He'd broken down. That day, he'd wished Dazai was with them, so Chuuya could at least have had some emotional support in the moment, some support that wasn't miles away.

He squeezed her hand back and they walked into the park, looking for a nice spot in the shade to settle down. Seiko was skipping alongside him, excited.

They settled down by a large tree and Chuuya set the picnic blanket on the grass. They released the stuffed animals together from their stroller-y prision and set them in a circle. It kind of amused him how much it looked like they were performing some sort of satanic ritual.

Chuuya put the cups down in front of each of the toys, and two more side to side for him and Seiko. They settled on the blanket and served the 'tea' – he wondered if Ane-san would berate him later for telling the girl that this was tea.

After they were done with their tea party, his heart squeezing fondly at his adorable daughter, they went to the playground. Chuuya was tired of pushing the stroller around so he activated his ability to get it moving on his own. 

"Can you take it just a little bit more until we get to the playground?" Seiko piped up mockingly from where she stood at his side, holding his hand, and stuck her tongue out.

Chuuya gasped in mock offense and put his free hand to his chest, but he couldn't help the playful grin from spreading on his face. They both snickered.

"Fine, fine, it is hypocritical of me, isn't it?" He sighed, putting his hand back on the stroller to push it normally.

Seiko blinked up at him.

"Hy-po-cri-ti-cal. Hypocritical. It's when you say one thing and then do the opposite. Like me saying you have to push the stroller when you don't feel like it anymore, but stop doing it as soon as I'm tired of it." He explained. She seemed to process the words for a bit while they walked.

"How you say it momma?"

"Hy-po-cri-ti-cal."

"Hy-po-cri-ti-cal…" She whispered. "Hypocritical." She looked back up at him. "Momma is hypocritical." 

He huffed and stuck his tongue out back at her. "Someone is a hypocrite , or does something hypocritical ." He clarified.

"Momma is a hypocrite." She smiled proudly with a teasing glint in her eyes. He snorted.

"The sentence is good, but I am not a hypocrite, you rascal. I did one hypocritical thing." He said, smiling. Seiko snickered in response. He loved his daughter so fucking much. 

They went home for lunch and Seiko took a little nap afterwards. Chuuya unlocked his phone for the first time that day to be faced with the message he'd sent last night. He sighed and ran his hand through his face. It was unanswered, obviously. 

He wished he could just fucking know why Dazai stopped saying anything, what was going through their head. Did they really just…not care? Ane-san had made it seem like they did, but Dazai had just…stopped. Chuuya should've talked to them, picked up the phone, replied to their messages. Or maybe this was for the best, if they really gave up on Chuuya and Seiko like that, no matter how much it stung…

He tossed his phone to the side and turned on the TV, resigned to watch something on a really low volume to get his mind off of Dazai and everything that had been happening. He wasn't going to dwell, he didn't want to, he was scared to.

After a while, Chuuya began to feel sleepy, so he got himself up and went to the kitchen, fixing up a snack. He looked at the time to make sure he wouldn't let Seiko oversleep. He…felt lonely. At least back in Yokohama, four years ago, he had Ane-san. He had that bag of bandages with him. Even people he wasn't that close to, but they were there .

The last four years, though…they'd been hard. No one around him could even begin to imagine all of the fucking shit that had happened to him. In the Port Mafia, in the underground of Yokohama? Sure, it was fucked up, but it was also normal . People didn't ask, but they already expected you'd been beaten down by life.

The first time he'd felt lonely was when the doctor that followed his pregnancy had lifted his shirt up for an ultrasound. Seen his scars – the more prominent one being the stab wound from Shirase, that'd been a fucking bitch to heal. It wasn't the shock on her face – though he hadn't expected that, either –, no. It was the wave of wrong understanding that flashed through her face. She never voiced it, but Chuuya could tell she'd assumed he was some unfortunate teen. Not one of the most terrifying ability users in Yokohama. Not a Mafia Executive. Not half of the most terrifying duo: Double Black. Not that he'd given back ten times what he'd got. 

Chuuya wasn't some troubled teen.

Chuuya shouldn't invoke pity.

Chuuya wasn't some poor unfortunate soul.

But that's all people here, so far removed from his reality, saw.

That moment, he infuriatingly understood a little bit more of Dazai. He followed their shitty example and began to hide his scars as much as he could. Not with bandages, though, that would be an insane step. 

…that would also mean being closer to them and he wasn't sure he could take that.

He'd given birth alone in a room with a terrified doctor and nurse. Cursing to heaven and hell while trying his best to control his ability. He'd had to threaten the doctors to let him wear gloves – five latex gloves on each hand, since it was the only thing they compromised on – to help him keep Arahabaki at bay. He would've razed the entire fucking city to the ground if he had caused his child harm during birth. He'd cried enraged, resentful, as he'd thought that if Dazai were there, everything would've been easier, and someone could've actually held his hand without the fear of their own getting crushed. 

He'd later thought Dazai would probably be the type of parent that would get sick and faint, despite how used they were to gore and messy things. He could've just kept squeezing their hand, hauling their stupid unconscious ass close, though. 

Ane-san spoke to him in recovery – she'd called the hospital and made vague threats so they'd let him speak on the phone, apparently – but eventually, she'd hung up and he'd been alone with the baby with big, dark eyes looking up at him as he fed her her bottle.

Shit , he was dwelling. 

He'd been forced to stay in the hospital for a while after birth, the doctors scared he'd get postpartum considering his very clear lack of support and 'rocky' past – they'd seen his scars, obviously. He'd forced himself to quit smoking when he found out, but doing so in the first month on top of the other two factors made him a very high-risk patient for it, apparently. 

The nurses had been really nice, at that time. There were two specifically he liked, two that didn't just treat him like an at-risk troubled teen or whatever the fuck. Sayako-san and Mike, a foreign nurse. Sayako-san had helped him pick the name, joked around with him to give him a sense of normalcy. Mike called him kiddo and would sit with Chuuya to tell him funny stories from the job that he 'definitely shouldn't be sharing with a patient, lol' . 

They'd helped take care of Seiko for the most part during those weeks, keeping him company and helping him when he did it himself. He'd spent five days in bed, five days on the bed with – still shitty – hospital clothes that weren't the gown to help him feel more normal, then five days where he could walk around the room when he had the energy to. Another six weeks where he'd get to walk around the hospital and sometimes Sayako-san would join him and encourage him more and more to take Seiko with, holding his little girl in his arms and getting to know her. He loved her so much. 

Soon, all he wanted was to coddle and love his little starlight, they released them from the hospital and they went home.

They'd kept him on a need-to-know basis, but looking back it was clear he had had postpartum. The first few days, he couldn't even look at Seiko. Couldn't bring himself to give her a name. He felt tears sting his eyes. He had to thank Ane-san for choosing that hospital for him. He had no idea what would've happened if the doctors and nurses he'd gotten weren't so careful and caring.

He wiped his eyes with his sleeve. He'd gotten through it, Chuuya and Seiko had gotten through everything together that had been thrown at them and they could do so again. The pregnancy, the birth, the postpartum and these last almost four years together as his little starlight grew up.

He walked to Seiko's room and sat on her bed, soft smile as he ran his hand gently through her hair. He stayed with her until she began to stir, ready to wake up naturally from her nap.

They prepared dinner together, Seiko working on the dough for their home-made pizza and decorating it with toppings while Chuuya supervised and did the more adult stuff – chopping ingredients and working the oven.

After dinner, Seiko made him drag the couch away from the center of the living room to teach him one of her dances. She really loved dancing. In a couple of years he could probably put her in some sort of dance class or group, she'd probably like that. 

They spent a few hours with Chuuya getting bossed around by an incredibly serious three year old, very dedicated to her craft and frustrated that Chuuya couldn't do it perfectly on the first try. He laughed whenever she rolled her little dark eyes with her arms crossed, always earning a frustrated 'momma, don't laugh!!' in response.

That night, Chuuya didn't feel as shitty when he went to bed. He opened his phone to send Ane-san a text. "I just realized I had post-p…thank you for picking that place". 

Texts were a tricky thing as they left a record, so he couldn't say anything too specific or personal. Ane-san was still heavily involved in the Mafia, obviously, so there was always a risk of his texts being seen. He also couldn't call her, only receive calls, for the same reason.

A text popped up in response. "I was happy how they handled it. Don't thank me for it, that's stupid." He snorted.

Chapter Text

Sunday went by fast. Chuuya did some chores around the house while Seiko drew, then they had lunch, then they watched a movie, then he went back to cleaning the house while she went to play in her room. In order to tire her out for bed, they went out of the house after dinner for a walk. 

Once Chuuya had put her to bed, he slumped on the couch. He sighed and pulled out his phone. Ane-san hadn't called him in about four days. He wondered if he should ask her to call him. She'd replied last night, so he didn't think she'd be in danger or something. 

Then, he heard a faint knock on their door. He furrowed his brow. Who would knock on his door at this hour. So softly, too. Maybe it was Seiko and he'd misheard the direction?

He walked to her room quietly and cracked the door open. She was sleeping soundly. He listened for another knock, but there was none.

He was getting into his own head, Mafia habits. Except he wasn't used to this anymore, and it was starting to fill him with anxiety. It felt stupid, it was stupid, it was probably just a neighbor or something. But knocking on someone's door at this hour was weird . Maybe he misheard, maybe he imagined it. It was very faint too. 

Chuuya walked back into the living room and listened carefully. He wanted to dismiss it but his years upon years of justified paranoia wouldn't let him. But why couldn't he just go check for fuck's sake?

There was another knock, this one slightly louder, but still soft. Chuuya could feel his heart in his throat. Fucking idiot . He took deep breaths and prepared to activate Tainted if needed. He walked to the front door with silent steps. Why the fuck didn't his door have a peephole?

He put his hand on the knob – he still hadn't locked it for the night – and swallowed around the anxious lump in his throat as he opened the door.

A bandaged neck. His eyes snapped up. Dazai- Dazai was standing there- Dazai with both eyes uncovered, both eyes visible, Dazai with a beige coat instead of black and a pendant dangling from their neck and a lockpick in their hand that was frozen coming out of their pocket and wide eyes as they took in Chuuya and lips parted and frozen, frozen in place and Chuuya froze himself.

No, no no no nono . Dazai wasn't supposed to know where they were wasn't supposed to come here it wasn't okay they were going to break in, Chuuya's eyes zeroed in on the lockpick in their hand-

"I wasn't- I wasn't going to. I didn't want to, Chuuya- it was habit, instinct, but I stopped, I didn't want to- look at my face, please ."

Please ? Chuuya's gaze moved up to Dazai's face. They were speaking softly, why were they speaking softly? Did they know Seiko was asleep? Seiko . Chuuya's ability came to life even though it was useless against Dazai and he took a step backwards into the house.

Dazai looked like they were about to follow with a step forward of their own but stopped themself. "I'm not gonna come into your house unless you want me to." 

They had their hands half raised placatingly. It looked like they were talking to a scared dog – well , Chuuya mentally kicked himself for the fact that that was kind of accurate. The thought kicked part of his brain back into action, and Dazai seemed to notice as their eyes softened – the same eyes as Seiko's – and they smiled slightly.

"You look the same. Except maybe more like a suburban mom." The tease helped him regain a little bit more of brain function, but it still felt surreal. Dazai at his doorstep, acting as if nothing had changed between them.

"Fuck you." He croaked, half heartedly. "...You don't."

"Does Chibi not like my new style?" They looked down at their own clothes. 

"You look like a boring office worker." He didn't even quip back at the annoying nickname. His comment seemed to relax them though, as they smiled much more naturally.

"A boring office worker and a suburban mom? I guess things have changed." 

Chuuya huffed something between a fond and incredulous laugh. "I look nothing like a suburban mom. I'll have you know I'm looked at like a gangster by some of the other parents." The words tumbled out of him before he could stop them. Fuck - good job, idiot , drop the 'child' bomb into the conversation so casually.

But Dazai's smile only widened into an amused smirk, and a glint shone in their eyes . It was still weird to see two of them.

"Well…aren't you? And a mobster to boot, too? I'd pull my kid out of the school, really. They'll let anyone enroll their child nowadays."

All the tension left Chuuya's body as a wave of relief watched over him and he snorted, a genuine smile blooming on his face. It felt fucking surreal. Dazai was here and it wasn't tense and they weren't mad or freaking out and the two of them were talking about their kid – well, kind of – as if it wasn't a ticking bomb of a subject. "Look who's talking, asshole."

They gasped and one of their hands went to their chest in mock shock, smile and glint still on their face. "I would never be a gangster. I'm an organized crime kind of person only, not some ruffian out causing chaos." 

Chuuya snorted a laugh and they visibly relaxed a lot more, too. 

They tilted their head slightly, features softer again. "Can I come in?"

Chuuya's smile dropped somewhat and he bit his lip, casting a glance into the hallway. 

"Or you can come out here if you'd feel more comfortable. I just- I want to talk to you." They offered.

Chuuya looked back at them. "I have no one to watch her…I- I can't really leave." Was it fine to let Dazai in? Part of him trusted them and wanted to, but another part was terrified still. Dazai was here . He still wasn't sure how to feel about it.

Dazai bit their lip, unsure of what to say. "…if it makes you feel any better, we both know you could beat me into a pulp even without your ability. And I won't go anywhere near her unless you say it's okay. No one other than you and Ane-san knows I'm here."

Chuuya felt some relief in knowing no one else knew where they were. He didn't know how to feel about Ane-san telling Dazai how to find them, but if they were telling the truth, Chuuya and Seiko should be safe. And they did have to talk. 

"Don't go anywhere far from me or I will actually throw you off the balcony." He relented. Dazai's expression lightened up slightly again and they nodded.

Chuuya stepped to the side and let Dazai in, who started looking around at the house. He closed the door and motioned for Dazai to follow him, leading them to the living room. He heard their steps come to a halt and looked backwards. Dazai had gently picked up a photo of Chuuya and Seiko that was on a shelf, staring at it, gaze unreadable. 

"Ane-san didn't have any pictures…" their voice was low and so, so soft. Chuuya felt his heart break slightly and guilt bubble up. His eyes were already starting to burn. 

"I can't send her any…" His throat felt tight. Chuuya could see a slight sheen covering their eyes – the only hint as to what they were feeling right now – and they didn't seem ready to put the picture back down. "You can… you can bring it to the couch with you if you want to…" 

He saw their throat bob and they looked at him, forcing a slight smile. They nodded and averted their eyes. 

Dazai sat down on the couch and Chuuya hesitated. Seiko had already overheard one of their conversations, he didn't want her to overhear this one . He'd put her to sleep and checked on her just some minutes ago, but it wouldn't hurt to check again.

"Wait here, please. I'm gonna make sure she's not awake to overhear us again…" He rubbed his eyes with his sleeve to try and clear the unshed tears from his eyes and walked to her room. 

She was still asleep.

Chuuya closed the door again and took a deep breath in, covering his eyes with his hands. He could do this.

When he walked back into the room, Dazai was staring at the picture again. He swallowed and went to grab a photo album from the shelf to placate his guilt. It was a bitch to get photos printed but he'd always wanted to have physical photo albums, they felt more…special. 

He handed them the album over their shoulder and they blinked at it before taking it into their hands as if it was a fragile precious thing. Chuuya went around the couch to sit next to them, and watched in silence as Dazai flipped slowly through the pages, taking minutes to take each of the pictures in, committing them to memory. Their eyes were focused, intense…wet. Chuuya looked away and fidgeted with his hands, giving them a moment they so clearly needed. 

After a while, they spoke up softly, eyes still trained on the photo album. "I wish I'd known…" 

Chuuya swallowed. "...would you have stayed with me?"

"I… I don't know… I'd like to think I would've, but at that time I…" Their lip trembled and they bit down on it in an attempt to stop it. Chuuya could feel his own tears threatening to fall. "How selfish of me is it to think that maybe this was the best way things could've gone..?" They smiled a broken smile. Chuuya forced his eyes shut as the tears started flowing.

"Very…" Chuuya's voice broke and wavered and he tried to at least silence the sobs beginning to rack his body, hand coming up to cover his mouth and nose. "I needed you… I needed you and you weren't there, I didn't even know if you were alive or if you'd care at all." He curled in on himself, arm wrapping around his knees.

"I'm sorry…" He'd never heard Dazai's voice so broken, never even heard them apologize. It forced more sobs through his trembling body as Dazai finally looked away from the album to face him. 

"The best way things could've gone isn't me running away by myself, alone, pregnant. Giving birth alone, terrified Arahabaki would activate because of the pain and the hormones and kill my baby. Spending two months in the-" He crushed his knees against him to stop himself from wailing. "In the hospital because I had postpartum, barely able to look at my daughter for days with only the nurses to take care of both of us." He sobbed into his hand. "Almost four years of having to raise her by myself, having to make the tough decisions and go through the panic whenever anything happened alone ."

The dam finally broke and Dazai's tears brimmed over. "I'm sorry… I didn't mean it like that…" Their hand reached out to Chuuya and stopped short of touching him. Chuuya sobbed again and leaned forward slightly to connect them. Dazai ran their thumb messily under his eye to wipe away the tears that wouldn't stop, unstable as their own whole body trembled. 

Chuuya looked up at them. Another violent sob racked through his body and he leaned into their hand. He didn't know whether to be mad, hurt or comforted. He felt safe with Dazai but that only made it easier to be hurt by them. "You don't know how many times I just wished you were here even though I wanted to hate you for abandoning me. How much she reminds me of you and how much it hurts sometimes. And now I don't know what this is. I don't know how much you've changed or if you're gonna abandon us again." 

"I won't." Their face contorted into a pained expression. "I won't, I never want to leave you again. I left because I wanted to do better-" They muffled a sob covering their mouth with their arm. "I wanted to- to be a better person and I left you and our child and I'm so sorry…" They had their face buried in their arm, staring at him. "Chuuya…"

He didn't know how to process the information, so he just cried. He pressed his head against theirs and cried. 

They'd left to be a better person, hadn't told Chuuya because they knew he'd make them stay. And if he weren't pregnant he would've . He couldn't fault them for not talking to him, even though he really fucking wanted to. And now they knew. They'd spent four years trying to be a better person and as soon as they'd learned they'd dropped everything to come to Chuuya. His arm wrapped around Dazai's back and pulled them closer into an awkward hug. He wailed into his hand and pressed his head further against Dazai's. "Don't leave…"

"I won't." Their voice was so, so broken. 

"I-" A sob ran through him. "I- I need you …" He wailed again, the last two words caught up in it. 

Dazai shut their eyes with a sob before those dark brown eyes stared deep into his own. Their mouth opened and trembled around silent words before they forced them out, broken up. "I'm here now…"

Chuuya got his legs off the couch and pulled Dazai closer into a proper embrace, burying his head into their shoulder and theirs into his as he ran a tremoring hand through their hair and they cried together. Dazai's arms wrapped around him and squeezed, and they let themselves cry into each other's shoulder.

Eventually, both of their tears subsided, but they stayed embraced. Exhaustion weighed both their bodies and Chuuya pulled himself away, getting up from the couch. Dazai looked up at him, uncertain look in their eyes, and Chuuya extended a hand with a soft smile to help them up.

"If Seiko wakes up to momma sleeping on the couch with an unknown person, there's gonna be questions I don't think either of us are ready to answer yet." He caught it the second their gaze turned dejected. He couldn't help flushing slightly, despite everything. "Not asking you to leave, just to come to bed with me so I can actually wake up to my alarm and get up before her to get her to school. I'll call in sick for work and we can talk when I get back." 

Dazai flushed slightly too. "Oh. Okay…"

They took his hand and he led them quietly into the hallway, noticing the way they slowed down once they passed Seiko's room. It had a little cardboard sign hung on the door with her name colorfully written on it and a little star dangling below. He squeezed their hand comfortingly and walked closer to press a soft kiss into the center of their chest. They'd grown even taller in the last four years... He gently tugged them along to his room with a reassuring look and they followed, sending him a sad smile. 

Chuuya fetched a spare pajama set for Dazai and was about to hand it to them when he stopped. It definitely wouldn't fit them. They must've thought the same thing because they huffed a laugh.

"Chibi's pajamas won't fit me, I don't wear things from the kids section." They whispered. 

He resisted the urge to whisper-yell and instead pressed his hand flat against their face and pushed them backwards onto the bed where they sat, earning himself a hushed yelp. He rummaged through his closet to find an oversized shirt and then threw it at them.

Chuuya hesitated before removing his clothes – it felt awkward. Changing in the room was awkward, they hadn't seen each other in four years, but changing in the bathroom was also awkward – for fuck's sake, they had a child together, they'd seen each other in various states of undress plenty of times. He looked at Dazai and they seemed to have the same awkward dilemma.

Well… they were sleeping together anyway and if Dazai was planning to stay, they had to break the ice. He walked over to Dazai and tilted their chin up. He got close enough to let his intentions be known and when Dazai closed their eyes, he pressed their lips together.

Fuck , he didn't realize how much he missed their lips. Dazai's hand came up to hold the back of his neck and his arms slid around theirs. 

They kissed, lips brushing and pressing against each other's. He curled his fingers around the small hairs at the back of their neck, Dazai opening their mouth for him to deepen the kiss, Chuuya’s fingers tightening their hold on their hair and pulling in reward. Chaste kisses turned into passionate ones, both of them addicted to the feeling of tasting each other again.

Dazai's free hand slid under Chuuya's shirt to caress his skin and he gasped to prevent a moan, pulling away from the touch and kiss and pressing their foreheads together. Fuck, he was sensitive… He looked at Dazai and their eyes were blown wide with lust and fuck that didn't help either. 

Chuuya was panting slightly, skin tingling where he could still feel the ghost touch of their fingers. He bit his lip. "Probably should get dressed in the bathroom, then." They could not fuck right now. 

Dazai made a dejected noise and licked their lips, Chuuya's eyes catching the movement. He purged any thoughts he had about that tongue. "...probably." They agreed. 

Chuuya leaned back down for another kiss but pulled away slightly before their lips could meet. "Chaste." He warned. Dazai nodded. He kissed them and then pulled away for good, grabbing his pajama and going to the bathroom to change.

Once he got back, Dazai was already inside the covers, playing some game on their phone. He smiled, turned off the lights and slipped into bed with them, pressing himself close against their back and wrapping his arms around their middle. They put their phone on the nightstand and turned, tangling their legs with his and cradling his head into their chest. Chuuya missed their scent . His smile deepened and he nuzzled them. 

He really hoped they wouldn't leave again.

Chapter Text

Chuuya's alarm rang and roused him from his sleep. He shifted and the arms around him tightened with a rumble behind him, and it only took a second of panic for him to remember who was in bed with him and why. 

He reached for the nightstand to turn off the alarm and managed to do so before he was pulled back rather violently. He'd forgotten how clingy Dazai got when they slept. 

"Oi, mackerel, let me out." He muttered. His throat hurt from crying last night, voice slightly raspy.

Dazai shifted and grumbled something incoherent in response. He started feeling slightly anxious. He had to go wake up Seiko before she woke up by herself and came to check on him. "Dazai." No response. "Dazai, please ." The anxiety in his voice must've done the trick, because their grip relaxed slightly and they shifted behind him again.

"What's wrong?" Their voice was groggy with sleep.

"I need to wake Seiko up and get her ready for school…" He turned in their loose embrace to face them and watched them slowly blink and rub the sleep out of their eyes.

"Okay." They kissed the top of his head and he couldn't help but lean into the affection. "Should I…should I stay in here?" 

Chuuya swallowed. "I-I don't know." He looked up at Dazai. "Do you…do you want to be in our lives?" 

Dazai stared at him with a furrowed brow, then looked away. "I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to…" 

Chuuya could feel his heart rate speed up and, pressed as close as they were, he was slightly self-conscious with the knowledge that Dazai could probably feel it too. "You…you want to be her parent? My…" The dam broke again, tears stinging his eyes again, and he cursed under his breath and rolled his eyes exasperatedly. He really usually wasn't this much of a fucking baby and he hated that the past few weeks he'd been constantly on the edge of a mental breakdown.

Dazai squeezed him. "Yes, if that's okay… and stop cursing yourself, don't you like to say 'feeling your emotions is important' , slug?" They teased.

"Not crying every fucking five minutes…" He mumbled.

Dazai rolled their eyes. They brought both hands up to squish his face and Chuuya glared at them half-heartedly. "Chibi's always been a crybaby." They ran their thumb under his eye to wipe away the moisture. 

"I want you to be in our lives… I- I want to be with you…" 

"You are with me though." They deflected with a joke. He tried to keep in mind that's just what they did since they weren't too comfortable with emotion. 

"Fuck you, bag of bandages." He turned his head to bite one of their hands but Dazai moved it away in time, predicting he would. Chuuya pouted slightly. "Do you want to be-" a couple ? Partners ? No term really seemed fitting for what they were, what Chuuya wanted. 

"I've unfortunately secretly always had a soft spot for slugs…" They helped, a teasing smirk and a soft glint in their eyes as they stared into his. He huffed and pressed his hand into their face, partially to hide the relieved – and embarrassingly, giddy – smile on his face. They made a noise of confusion and licked his hand. He pulled it away with a 'blegh' . 

Dazai stuck their tongue out at him and Chuuya stuck his back, both of them then snickering at the childishness before Chuuya surged up to kiss them. Softly, tender, loving and it felt so odd but so nice for them to have a kiss so genuine. 

Chuuya pulled away and concern twisted his features again. "How- how the fuck do I introduce you to her, then? How do I even explain that you're her parent when she's only used to having me?"

Dazai blinked at him. Chuuya felt his frustration grow slightly as they stayed silent for a few seconds, just blinking at Chuuya.

"You don't." They spoke so simply.

What?

"What?"

"I mean- you don't tell her I'm her parent. When she's older, we can have that conversation with her. But for now, what makes the most sense is just introducing me normally." 

Oh . 

"Oh." 

Chuuya's brain was severely lagging at this point, because he'd been freaking out in the back of his mind about this and Dazai had- they just had laid out the solution so quickly and simply within seconds. And it made sense. He felt stupid. Telling her this would not only be incredibly complicated and convoluted, but possibly feel to her like him forcing her to accept Dazai as a parent. He'd just- never seen them as anything but her parent.

"And you don't mind?" He asked, still slightly whiplashed.

"Given the situation, I think it's what is best…no?" 

"I- so I just introduce you like I would a normal partner?" 

"Yes?"

"Oh."

"You look like a confused dog." Dazai snickered. "Like when you fake-throw the ball and they get really confused and just stare at you like their entire reality has been shattered." They just kept giggling under their breath and Chuuya felt his face heat up.

"Fuck you." He buried his face in their chest and hit them in the back lightly with his hand. It just prompted them to snicker even harder and he groaned.

Dazai's giggles died down and they ran a hand through his hair. He felt the weight of the ticking clock. "Do you want to meet her?" He asked and their hand faltered for a second before resuming its movement. 

"I think it's best if you tell her about me first." 

"Well, yeah, I'm not stupid." He rolled his eyes even though they couldn't see where he was pressed up against their chest. "I meant I could wake her up and tell her I have a 'friend' here and ask if she wants to meet you." He'd read about how it was best to introduce your partners as a friend and refrain from being too close with them around your kid at first.

"Are you sure you're not, doggy?" They scratched his head as one would a dog and he slapped their back again. "If that's okay, I'd like that."

Chuuya allowed himself to whine slightly. "We have to get up, then. I usually get ready before I wake her up so I can make us breakfast." He pulled away slightly and pouted up at Dazai. "And we stayed in bed too long, now I can't shower…"

They gave him a playful, flirty smirk. "We can always shower together later ~"

Chuuya felt his face heat up and heart beat faster, but two could play at that game. "Be a good boy for me, and maybe we will ~"

They'd always done that, playfully danced together on the line between joke and genuine tease, and Chuuya had always loved it. 

Dazai bit their lip at the comment, breathing picking up slightly, and that did more to Chuuya than their initial comment ever could've. He grabbed their chin with two fingers and pulled them down into a kiss, slapping their hand away when it slithered to his waist again and brushed his skin, sending shivers up and down his body. " Up . I need to get dressed, you should too." 

They pouted as he pulled away and finally got himself out of bed. "Chibi's mean." They rubbed their hand dramatically as they complied and got up too. 

Once they were both dressed, Chuuya pulled Dazai down into one last kiss for the moment before sending them down the corridor into the living room. 

He knocked on the door, as usual. No answer, as usual, so he opened the door and his eyes softened at the sight of his baby like they always did. 

He closed the door to give them some privacy and walked to her bed, sitting down on it gently and running his hand through her hair to wake her up softly. "Good morning, starlight. It's time to get up and get ready for school." 

Seiko shifted, slowly blinking and rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. He smiled. "Momma?"

"Mhmm." 

"Mornin' momma." She sat up in bed slowly, still heavy from sleep. She always took a couple of minutes to fully wake up. He rubbed her back comfortingly. When she looked at him again, looking more awake, he took a deep breath. He could do this.

"A friend of momma's is here to have breakfast with us. Is that alright, starlight?" 

Seiko looked at him while she processed his words.

"Momma's friend?"

"Mhm, you haven't met them before, but they're really nice." Could be really nice, at least. He smiled to himself at the thought. 

"Okay." She stared at him expectantly. 

"You want to go meet them now?" He asked. Seiko nodded resolutely, a curious glint in her eyes, so he got up and extended his hand for her to take, which she did. 

He led her out of the room and down the hallway, feeling his heart thumping irrationally wildly. It was fine , it'd be fine. 

They walked into the living room and Dazai was leaning against the back of the couch, facing the entrance to the room from the hallway. 

"Seiko, this is Dazai. Dazai, this is Seiko." 

She looked at them and then at him. Then back at them, and back at him. He realized belatedly she'd probably picked up on the lack of honorific. She was, somewhat fondly annoyingly sometimes, incredibly perceptive – same as Dazai.

He looked at the other and his features softened as he saw them taking her in for a second, something in his gaze deep and fond. 

"Nice to meet you, Seiko-chan." They waved at her with a smile. 

She squeezed Chuuya's hand and waved back, then looked up at him. "He's tall." 

He caught Dazai's slight wince from the corner of his eye and stopped himself from doing the same, it'd be unfair to expect her to know. "Dazai goes by 'they' , starlight, not 'he' . Like how momma goes by 'momma' ." He squeezed her hand back. " They 're tall, their name is Dazai, we're gonna have breakfast with them and they are gonna help momma make breakfast themself ." He spoke slowly, exemplifying it for her, then looked at Dazai with a smirk to see them pout at being forced to help cook while Seiko nodded and took it in.

"They're tall." She corrected herself. 

"Yep, too tall." Chuuya stuck his tongue out. 

"Chibi's just too tiny." They shrugged. Chuuya glared at them and opened his mouth to reply but was interrupted.

"Momma is short." 

Dazai had a triumphant look on their face and he looked at Seiko with betrayal, who snickered. He was doomed between the two of them, wasn't he?

"You're both menaces." Chuuya rolled his eyes and tried to hide his smile as they both snickered conspiratorially by turning away and going to the kitchen. He was pretty sure he heard a tiny high-five.

He started to take an assortment of different fruits from the bowl and set them on the counter, then moved to get some yogurt from the fridge along with granola from the cabinet. "Go get dressed, now, starlight." He spoke over his shoulder.

"Mmkay momma." She went to her room. 

"She gets dressed by herself?" Dazai asked from where they stood next to the table. 

"Yup, I just let her wear whatever she wants since it's an important part of self-expression. I don't want her to feel like she has to look or dress a certain way. If she has anything with buttons or laces she wants to wear, she asks for help but she doesn't really like the texture of button-up things most of the time so that's not common." He answered distractedly as he started cutting up the bananas into slices then fourths. Dazai didn't like bananas, so it was best to just get that out of the way since he didn't want to make them cut it up.

He felt Dazai's arms wrap around him from behind, their nose pressing into his hair, faltering as he felt flustered.

"Chibi's such a good mom." They spoke it so genuinely, so reverently, despite the wording. Chuuya started feeling tears pricking his eyes, again .

"How many times are you planning to make me cry, shitty mackerel?" He whispered. The insult didn't have any bite to it.

All the effort he put in, all those years on his own with Seiko, all the research he always did on milestones and parenting and how to deal with different situations, everything he did for her… he would never complain, and he'd never ask for recognition, but having Dazai say that to him, unprompted, genuine…

He leaned his head back into their chest to look up at them, eyes shining with unshed tears. Dazai bent down slightly and kissed him, softly so softly despite the awkward angle. God, he…he still… he was glad they were here. 

"Go cut up the kiwis, I'll do the strawberries next." He spoke softly against their lips with a smile. "You can't cuddle your way out of helping." He felt Dazai smirk against him before kissing him one last time and pulling away.

"Yes, Mr. Suburban Mom." They teased with a stupid little smile on their face Chuuya was sure he was mirroring.

They cut up the fruits and Seiko joined them. Dazai was sitting at the table by that time, Chuuya finishing up with the strawberries. She sat next to them and asked them a bunch of rapid fire questions about themself, Dazai surprisingly answered all of them comfortably and appropriately with a glint in their eyes.

"How do you know momma?" – "We used to work together and we ended up becoming very good friends."

"Why are you here?" – "I missed him and I wanted to meet you, it had been a long time since I last spoke to your momma."

"How are you so tall?" – a snort. "How are you so tiny?" – puffed up cheeks. "I'm still growing!" – "Your mom used to say the same thiing~" they singsang.

Chuuya had intervened for that last one, lightly hitting Dazai on the back of their head while Seiko stuck her tongue out at them. 

He set the cut up fruits on the table with the granola and little bowls filled with yogurt for each of them. He sent Dazai a look that said 'you're gonna eat' and got a pout in response. He'd already filled their bowl with less yogurt than his and Seiko's, doubting four years apart had been enough for them to start magically eating properly. 

They ate together and then got ready to leave. Chuuya put on his own boots at the door and was ready to tie Seiko's when she stuck her feet out in Dazai's direction, bouncing her legs. 

Everything froze for a good two seconds for both adults, neither of them expecting it. Dazai sent him a look of 'is this okay?' and Chuuya was a melted mess of emotion but he was pretty sure he sent an okaying look back because Dazai crouched down to start lacing up her shoes with a smile on their face.

They left and she waved goodbye to 'Dazai-san', not even questioning why they weren't leaving Chuuya and Seiko's home with them.

The car ride was a suspicious repeat of the questions she'd asked Dazai thrown his way now – minus the height one – and he made an effort to twist the truth into something appropriate the same way they had, plus a handful of questions about Dazai's identity that Chuuya tried to reply to without breaching into too-personal territory and encouraged her to ask the other herself. 

He dropped her off at school and watched her sit next to her little friend, lingering by the door for a bit as he usually did just to get a glimpse of the funny interactions she had whenever she arrived. This one though-

"My momma has a personfriend." He stiffened.

Itako pulled a face, confused. "Person friend?"

"Mhm, like a boyfriend or a girlfriend but they're not so they're a person." She explained sagely, as if she hadn't learned what to call someone who wasn't a boy or a girl fifteen minutes ago. 

Naomi-sensei, who had been by the door with him and paying attention to the same conversation, had a hand covering her mouth respectfully to stop herself from laughing. Chuuya would've liked to be able to say he had more grace than to have fled the scene awkwardly with a good-work-day wish to the teacher. He would've liked to be able to say that.