Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Guardian: I do not "have PTSD." That is all just the wizard's curse.

Chapter Text

Guardian: I was arrested for making s'mores

Lenny: What?!

Anne: He was arrested for setting a house on fire

Guardian: Well duh! You need a fire to make s'mores!

Chapter Text

Anne: So, what do you think?

Guardian: I wasn’t listening but i strongly disagree with Miles.

Anne: He’s not even here..

Chapter Text

Lenny: I love you.

Guardian: The friendship way or the romantic way?

Lenny: Yes.

Chapter Text

Lenny: Diversity win! I'm biromantic and I'm going to kill you!

Chapter Text

Lenny, as a teen: What’s your favorite color?

Richard: Stop asking stupid questions. Ask me something logical and mature.

Lenny: How many moles of sodium bicarbonate are needed to neutralize 0.8ml of sulfuric acid at STP?

Richard: My favorite color is black.

Chapter Text

Lenny: Hi everyone. I'm bi

Finn: Yeah no shit

Richard: Easy, Lieutenant. Thank you for telling us, Lenny. We love you.

Gary: Proud of you cuz :)

Guardian: I just hit someone with my car-

Chapter Text

Guardian: Excuse me sir, have you ever been arrested?

Lenny: Yeah. How could you tell?

Guardian: I was gonna say it's illegal to be that cute, but now I'm curious.

Lenny: Aggravated assault.

Chapter Text

Lenny: i need you to look straight into my eyes.

Guardian: You can't expect me to look at those eyes and be straight

Chapter Text

Finn: Just admit it. You like Dutch, don't you?

Conor: ...yes.

Conor: I don't know how to flirt with him.

Finn: So?

Conor: *whips out knives* So he has to die.

Chapter Text

Tobby: that post you made about how useless your subordinate employee is was clearly about me and I am offended :(

Lenny: I’m so sorry Tobby

Lenny: I was just mad

Lenny: I had no idea you could read

Chapter Text

Arrow: Road trips with friends>>>>

Yeti: We're literally on the run from the government

Chapter Text

Conor: Goodnight to the love of my life, Dutch, and fuck the rest of y'all.

Chapter Text

Guardian: You are the love of my life and I would do anything within reason to make you happy.

Lenny: I would be happy if you ate, stayed hydrated and got a reasonable amount of sleep.

Guardian: I said within reason, Lenny. How about I murder that guy?

Lenny: So murder is in reason but proper self care isn't?

Guardian: Well, duh. What kind of question is that?

Chapter Text

Gary: So, what do you think of Guardian?

Anne: I think he has a good heart.

Gary: A good heart? Yeah, I've noticed you staring at his "good heart".

Chapter Text

Dutch: I never said that I don’t have drugs.

Miles: You just said you don’t sell drugs. I asked you, Dutch. You said you’d be honest.

Dutch: You asked if I sell them, not if I buy and keep them.

Miles: …You better share or I’m telling Conor.

Chapter Text

Lenny: If I'm extra sarcastic with you it probably means I'm flirting with you or you really annoy me and I can't handle your crap... have fun figuring out which one.

Chapter Text

Finn: Richard, you love me, right?

Richard: Normally I’d say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere I won’t like.

Chapter Text

Anne and Dutch: [Running up to each other and doing a really long and complicated handshake]

Dutch, deadpan: You’re so annoying, I hate you so much.

Anne: I’ve never met anyone weaker or uglier than you.

Chapter Text

Anne: "I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy." I would. Pussy.

Dutch: "I’m not gonna sink to their level." I will. Coward.

Guardian: "I’m the bigger person." I’m 152 centimetres tall. Give me the gun. Bitch.

Chapter Text

Anne: Are you gonna kill me?

Infected Guardian: No I’m gonna kill other people and you’re gonna be my girlfriend! :D

Chapter Text

Dutch, learning to drive: What happens if I press the gas and the break at the same time?

Anne: The car takes a screenshot.

Finn: Please pull over. I’m driving now.

Chapter Text

Shadow Tubby: Um yeah I pull bitches. Pull bitches into my dark realm of terrors

Chapter Text

Anne: I cut my finger

Guardian: I can kiss it so it'll get better

Anne: That works?

Guardian: Yeah my mentor used to do it when I was little

*later*

Anne: I need you to punch me in the mouth

Dutch: Fucking finally

Chapter Text

Guardian: Sometimes, I don’t realize an event was traumatic until I tell it as a funny story and notice everyone is staring at me weird.

Chapter Text

Miles: Are you judging me?

Lenny: When am I not?

Chapter Text

Lenny: It's very muggy outside

Richard:

Richard: Lenny I swear if I step outside and all of our mugs are on the front lawn

Lenny: *sips coffee from a bowl*

Chapter Text

Dutch: Are you ever going to listen to me?

Lenny: Yes. Absolutely.

Dutch: When?

Lenny: When you're right.

Chapter Text

Anne: What is it called when you have to kill a friend?

Dutch: Homie-cide.

Finn: Murder.

Lenny: Amicide is the term you're looking for.

Dutch: I stand by Homie-cide.

Chapter Text

Guardian: This was an 100% successful trip

Anne: We lost Miles

Guardian: This was an 100% successful trip

Chapter Text

Lenny: As you know, I keep a list of all my friends in order of how likely they are to betray me. We've established this.

Anne: Where am I on the list?

Lenny: Well, I can't tell you that because then you'll quickly move up or down depending on your reaction.

Chapter Text

Richard: So how was your day?

Lenny, as a teen: Good! Except I almost got surprise adopted.

Richard: What?

Lenny: Kidnapped.

Richard: Oh, okay.

Richard:

Richard: WAIT WHAT-

Chapter Text

Guardian, at the mountains: Wow. I keep stepping on a lot of crunchy twigs.

Unit: Those are bones, Guardian.

Guardian: Not if I never look down.

Chapter Text

Guardian: Things are constantly happening and I would like for it to stop please.

Chapter Text

Dutch: Finn is choking, I need to call 911 but the 9 button isn't working!

Richard: Turn it upside down and use the 6!

Dutch: Genius!

Finn: *stops choking momentarily* What the fuck.

Chapter Text

Anne: I heard people are shipping us.

Lenny and/or Guardian: TO WHERE!?

Chapter Text

Lenny: Did you buy eggs like I asked?

Guardian: Even better!

Lenny: What the fuck did you-

Guardian: [holding up a chicken] Her name is Fluffy.

Chapter Text

[texting] Anne: What are you doing?

Guardian: I'm in bed. Eating chips.

Anne: What would you be doing if I were with you?

Guardian: I would be eating chips.

Anne: No, I mean if there were no chips. Just you and me. In bed.

Guardian: I would go to the store to buy some chips.

Chapter Text

Finn: What is your skincare routine?

Lenny: I don’t do skincare

Gary: LIES. YOUR SKIN IS FLAWLESS

Lenny: I’m serious-

Finn: LIKE A CLOWN. WHAT PRODUCTS DO YOU USE AND IN WHAT ORDER?

Lenny: I-I don’t-

Gary, threateningly waving a notepad at him: START TALKING I HAVE SHOPPING TO DO LATER

Lenny: I DON’T HAVE A ROUTINE- ANNE DO SOMETHING-

Anne: Answer the question, Lenny

Lenny: OH MY GOD-

Chapter Text

Gary: I really like this “good guy bad guy” act you guys have going on.

Lenny: Oh it’s not an act. It’s just that I’m mean and Guardian isn't.

Chapter Text

Miles: That shirt looks great, Dutch.

Dutch: Thanks.

Miles: But I bet it would look even better on Conor's floor.

Conor: Are you hitting on Dutch...for me?

Chapter Text

Anne: *playing with his hair* Oh my GOD!

Lenny: *actually concerned* What?!

Anne: *smirking* You have a grey hair!

Lenny: …

Lenny: Get out.

Chapter Text

Guardian: I wish we would stop fetishizing forgiveness and pay a little more attention to the healing power of incandescent rage

Chapter Text

Conor: How do i make a date more romantic?

Finn: Try being mysterious.

Conor: Got it.

[Later]

Dutch: So where are we going?

Conor: None of your fucking business.

Chapter Text

Guardian: Laalaa, if I make you breakfast in bed a simple thank you is all I need

Guardian: Not all this how did you get into my house business

Chapter Text

Finn: We call that a traumatic experience.

Finn, turning to Dutch: Not a "bruh moment."

Finn, turning to Richard: Not "sadge."

Finn, turning to Anne: And definitely not an "oof lmao."

Chapter Text

Anne, about Lenny: Oh no, oh no, he's seducing me with his deep passion for his field of study and genuine joy at teaching people about it

Chapter Text

Lenny: Do you love me?

Anne: We’re literally married.

Lenny: Yeah, but as friends or—

Chapter Text

Anne: *zoning out staring at Guardian's chest*

Guardian: Anne, you're staring at my boobs again.

Anne: In my defense, they were staring at me first.

Chapter Text

Lenny, to Gary: Well, one of us has to be wrong and it’s not going to be me.

Chapter Text

Crawler: I hate extroverts

Crawler: You loud asses are used to steamrolling the quiet people around you & it’s exhausting & abusive

Gary: Um i actually don't think being loud is abusive

Miles: Tbh i love steamrolling quiet people

Miles: What are they gonna do about it? stay silent? lmfao

Chapter Text

Guardian, to Anne and Lenny: Hey real quick I was just wondering if you could see me for who I am and love me because of it. No worries if not.

Chapter Text

Gary: I mean. Lenny's just standing there now.

Gary: Waiting for me, I guess.

Gary: But it's okay, I think he's pretty much settled down.

Miles: Settled down?

Gary: Well, he only stabbed me once.

Miles: ONLY once?

Chapter Text

Guardian: "Mental illness is all in your head." Where did you think it was?? My ass??

Dutch: Mental illness is stored in the balls.

Lenny: Mental illness is the powerhouse of the cell.

Chapter Text

Po: would you rather be blind or deaf

Laa-Laa: I’m already blind

Po: do you wanna be deaf

Chapter Text

Miles: You can always win a argument if you say shut up nerd at the end.

Finn: No you cant.

Miles: Shut up nerd

Chapter Text

Finn: Do you and Lenny ever argue, Anne?

Anne: No. Lenny and I never argue.

Anne: He tells me to shut up and I do.

Chapter Text

Dutch: I just had a thought.

Finn: I’ll buy you a card to commemorate the moment.

Chapter Text

Finn: I think everyone had too much coffee today

Lenny: I didn't have any coffee that's part of my problem

Chapter Text

Lenny: I have feelings for you..

Guardian: …?

Lenny: Not telling you which ones.

Chapter Text

Lenny: Don't worry I have a few knives up my sleeves

Gary: You mean cards?

Lenny: No

Chapter Text

Anne: We should get married!

Lenny: We've been dating for less than a month?

Anne: And I think I've shown incredible restraint waiting this long

Chapter Text

Lenny: There is no future. There is no past. Do you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet.

Richard: All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first.

Chapter Text

Dipsy: Are you wearing makeup? Where'd your freckles go?

Laa-Laa: Huh? Oh no, winter just makes my freckles fade.

Dipsy:

Dipsy: I see...

*later*

Dipsy: [beating the snow with a shovel] Give. Her. Her. Freckles. Back. You. Bitch.

Chapter Text

Lenny: Ugh, the milk expires tomorrow.

Guardian, hinting at their anniversary: Tomorrow’s a real special day, isn't it, dear?

Lenny: Not for anyone who drinks milk. :/

Chapter Text

Finn: Let me show you a picture from last night that really upset me

Richard: Okay, but in my defense, Dutch bet me 50 dollars I couldn’t drink all that shampoo.

Finn: That’s not what I wanted to- you drank SHAMPOO?!

Chapter Text

Lenny: I’m going to fight the next person who insults Guardian.

Guardian: I hate myself.

Lenny: Alright, square up.

Chapter Text

Finn: What’s the proper way to deal with someone that annoys you?

Lenny: A knife

Finn: no

Lenny: Two knives

Finn: NO

Guardian: You guys are savages. The proper way is untraceable poison

Finn: You’re all insane..

Chapter Text

Lenny: Did you kill Miles?

Crawler: He was asking for it!

Lenny: How so?

Crawler: He was loud. Made ouchie in my head.

Chapter Text

Finn: I can't imagine what Dutch is planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it and it won't be legal.

Chapter Text

Guardian: Well you know change is inedible

Lenny: I think you mean inevitable..

Guardian: *spitting out several nickels* Nope

Chapter Text

Laa-Laa: Kill them with kindness? Wrong, divine smite

Chapter Text

Guardian, texting Lenny: Red car outside my house

Lenny: That's the Uber Eats guy, he'll bring you food

Guardian: He brought me Wendy's

--A few days later--

Guardian: Wendy's

Lenny: You want another Uber?

Guardian: Now

Chapter Text

Guardian: Why must the cute ones (me) suffer

Chapter Text

Miles: Aren't you like 7'9??

Guardian: I self-identify as tall.

Chapter Text

Guardian: Hold me accountable, yes, but watch your tone.

Chapter Text

Anne: My dad has daughter issues.

---

Guardian: My toxic trait is I believe I can beat anybody if I was mad enough. You might have the strength and size but I have pure, unfiltered rage.

---

Anne: Lenny and I don’t use pet names.

Dutch: I see. Hey, what do bees make?

Anne: Honey?

Lenny: Yes, dear?

Anne:

Dutch: Don't ever lie to my face again.

Chapter Text

*playing twister*

Dutch: Right hand red.

Anne: *ends up on top of Lenny*

Lenny: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?

Dutch: I stopped spinning like 15 minutes ago. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice.

Chapter Text

Anne: My kink is doing stupid shit and watching Lenny speed-run the five stages of grief as he realises that he still wants to fuck me.

Chapter Text

Guardian, pointing: May I sit there?

Lenny: That's my lap.

Guardian: That doesn't answer my question, Lenny.

Chapter Text

Finn: You enter the dungeon, and on the far side of the room you see a door.

Lenny: Can I seduce the door?

Finn: No, you cannot.

Anne: Can I seduce the door?

Finn: Also no!

Guardian: Can I punch Miles?

Finn: Miles, you take 4 damage.

Miles: Well I turn into a beaver!

Finn:..You do that.

Miles: Now can we seduce the door?

Finn: Still, no!

Guardian: I punch Miles again.

Finn: 3 more damage.

Miles: Can I fight the door?

Finn: No!

Anne: Uh, I also would like to fight the door.

Finn: No one can fight the door!

Miles: I fight the door!

Finn: You lose!

Miles: I FIGHT YOU!

Finn: Miles, take a walk.

Shadow Tubby: Is the door dead or alive?

Finn:...It's a door.

Shadow Tubby: Can I enslave it's soul?

Finn: How would you--..NO!

Dutch: Can I build a better door?

Finn: Do you want to build a better door?

Dutch: I aquire lumber from a nearby forest.

Finn: You do that.

Conor: Is the door locked?

Finn: No, it isn't.

Conor: I open the door.

Finn: You do so. Inside is one small treasure chest.

Lenny: I seduce the treasure chest.

Finn: NO!

Chapter Text

Dutch: I’ve been here in jail so long I think I’ve lost my mind.

Dutch: The days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months.

Dutch: How long have I been in here now? Almost a year?

Finn: This is monopoly.

Chapter Text

Guardian: I think my taste in tubbies is better than yours.

Lenny, offended: Why?

Guardian: Well, I picked you. You, on the other hand, picked me.

Chapter Text

Lenny, reading the news: Some dork fought an octopus in the aquarium

Wet Guardian covered in ink: Maybe the octopus was being a dick

Chapter Text

Guardian: I want to be like a caterpillar.

Lenny: Explain.

Guardian: Eat a lot, sleep for a while, wake up beautiful.

Lenny: You know they have a lifespan of a week, right?

Guardian:

Guardian: That's just another highlight!

Chapter Text

Richard: I'm begging you. Say one nice thing about each other.

Gary: He's got okay...hair?

Richard: *so done* Lenny?

Lenny: He's alive.

Chapter Text

Lenny: *enters password*

Computer: Your password is weak.

Lenny: *lifts computer up*

Lenny: *throws it out the window*

Lenny, looking out of the window: WHO'S WEAK NOW?!

Chapter Text

Dutch: So, how’s parenthood treating you?

Anne: Good. I didn’t expect this much crying, though.

Dutch: Don’t worry, it’s normal for babies.

Anne: What? The baby’s fine. I was talking about Lenny.

Lenny, sobbing from Elara's room: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Chapter Text

Lilith: This is my son Guardian and his brother Conor

Cherry: Aren't they both your sons? Why is Conor not given the son title?

Lilith: I don't like him

Chapter Text

Laalaa: I have a bad feeling about this.

Po: What do you mean?

Laalaa: Don't you ever get that little voice in your head that tells you if something is going to get you in trouble?

Po: No?

Laalaa: That actually explains so much.

Chapter Text

Finn: Anne, keep an eye on Dutch today. He's gonna say something to the wrong person and get himself punched.

Anne: Sure! I'd love to see Dutch get punched!

Finn: Try again.

Anne, rolling her eyes: I will stop Dutch from getting punched.

Finn: Correct.

Chapter Text

Finn: What's a word that's a mix between 'sad' and 'mad'?

Lenny: Disgruntled, miserable, desolated,...

Dutch: Smad.

Chapter Text

Miles: Anyone under 8'0 can't talk about fighting someone. Like, what are you gonna do? Headbutt someone in the nipples?

Crawler: Say goodbye to your kneecaps, asshole.

Chapter Text

Guardian: The real secret to immortality? Not dying. You want to be immortal? Okay, that’s easy. Just don’t die. That’s it. Refuse to die. There you go.

Lenny: But how-

Guardian: “But how”, you may ask. Well, easy. Just don’t do it. Refuse to. Say “no thanks”.

Chapter Text

Anne: Someone care to explain why we have 6 dogs in our apartment?

Dutch: They're golden retrievers, dude. They retrieve gold. I did this for us.

Chapter Text

Lenny: Are you sugaring your burrito?

Guardian, ripping open 4 sugar packets: Food is anarchy, Len. Live by your own rules.

Chapter Text

Richard, going over Guardian's resume: Okay, so right here, it states that you're creative.

Guardian: Yes

Richard: Okay... may I know what you create?

Guardian: Problems.

Chapter Text

Miles: Hey, Lenny? What was that saying you have? Gatekeep, Girlboss, and what's the other word?

Lenny: There is no other word.

Miles: No, I'm certain there was another word.

Lenny: No, you crazy.

Chapter Text

Lenny: WHOEVER CAUSED THIS MESS IS GOING TO-

Guardian: It was me...

Lenny: ...Is going to be forgiven because everyone deserves a second chance.

Chapter Text

Laalaa: I am a moderate, peaceful woman, truth be told.

Tinky-Winky: Just yesterday you threw a chair at Dipsy.

Laalaa: Yes, which was a moderate, peaceful compromise from the table i was initially planning to launch at him.

Chapter Text

Miles: You disgust me

Guardian, eating a kit kat sideways: I know this, and I don't care

Chapter Text

Anne: I've been dropping him the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.

Lenny: Wow. He sounds stupid.

Anne: But he's not. He's really smart actually. Just dense.

Lenny: Maybe you need to be more specific. Like, I don't know... "Hey! I love you!"

Anne: I guess you're right. Hey Lenny, I love you.

Lenny: See! Just say that to him!

Anne: Holy fucking shit.

Lenny: If that flies over his head then, sorry dude, but he's too dumb for you.

Anne: Len.

Chapter Text

Guardian: When crows remember who wronged them and hold grudges, it's "intelligent" and "really cool" but when I do it, I'm "petty" and "need to move on."

Chapter Text

Random worker: Lenny, do you take constructive criticism?

Lenny: I only take cash or credit

Chapter Text

Lenny's dad: I fathered two perfectly functional children.

Lenny: You have two other children we don't know about!?

Chapter Text

Guardian: I got called a homosexual at the food market earlier.

Anne: Wait, tell me what happened.

Guardian: I got called a homosexual at the food market.

Anne: Yeah, but why?

Guardian: I was being a homosexual.

Anne: At the food market?

Guardian: Yeah, it was at the food market…

Chapter Text

Guardian, texting Laa: Can I come over?

Laa-Laa: Yeah.

Guardian: Ok cool because I'm already in your driveway

Laa-Laa: Why the fuck did you ask then

Guardian: To lull you into a false sense of security

Guardian: Obviously

Chapter Text

Dutch: I'm what they call a conflict escalator. A trained specialist in escalating even the most minor disagreements to the brink of all out violence.

Chapter Text

Anne, to Guardian: *seductively* Doomed by the narrative all by yourself, handsome?

Chapter Text

Lenny: My partner is wearing a fucking suit to his autism diagnosis.

Guardian: It's a special event.

Lenny: Shut up.

Chapter Text

Richard: Hey, you wanna know a secret?

Finn: No.

Richard: Okay.

Finn:

Finn: Do you smell smoke?

Richard: The secret is that the house is on fire.

Chapter Text

Miles: Excuse me

Conor: Pardon me ma’am

Gary: Excuse me miss

Lenny: move im gay

Chapter Text

Anne: If you put a milkshake in one yard and crack open a cold one in another yard, which yard would the boys go to?

Miles: Schrödinger's boys.

Dutch: FUCK!

Finn: What about cracking open a cold milkshake?

Lenny: As we all know, the milkshake brings the boys to the yard. The presence of the boys is a prerequisite for the cracking open of a cold one, but cold ones do not have any inherent boy-attracting abilities. Milkshakes, however, do.

Lenny: All else being equal, the boys would proceed to the milkshake yard. While it is possible to announce the presence of cold ones in the hope of attracting some boys, the pull of the milkshake is much more powerful by comparison.

Anne:…

Miles:…

Dutch: …

Finn:…

Lenny: Mind you, all of this nonsense hinges on whether or not the boys are back in town.

Chapter Text

Guardian: *takes a sip of milk and gags*

Guardian: Oh my god, is this expired?

Guardian: *takes another sip of milk*

Chapter Text

Lenny: So, what’s Anne's type?

Miles: Brown and blue eyes, smart, oblivious, tall, good with knives and computers.

Lenny: Huh, sounds kind of like me. Too bad we’re just friends.

Miles: Did I mention oblivious?

Lenny: Yeah, why?

Miles: Okay, just making sure.

Chapter Text

Crawler: Laying next to trees is so fucking annoying. Like, this tree is taller than I am. This tree thinks it has an advantage over me. This tree thinks it’s superior to me. This tree—

Lenny: How about we stand next to some flowers?

Crawler: Sure, but not sunflowers.

Crawler: Sunflowers are fucking annoying. Like, this sunflower is taller than I am—

Chapter Text

Noo-Noo, talking to Po about Len: We’ll break him. I mean, how long does he think he can stay handcuffed?
Lenny: My personal best is thirty-two hours.
Noo-Noo: …
Lenny: Of course, then, I had Anne to play with.

Chapter Text

Gary: Lenny, why do Anne and White call you “babygirl”?

Lenny: We should stop talking for a while.

Chapter Text

Anne: We can’t gatekeep, gaslight, girlboss our way out of this one.

Guardian: Genocide it is.

Chapter Text

Lenny, watching Crawler maul one of the workers: GIRL you are KILLING IT! GIRL i don’t think it’s MOVING ANYMORE. GIRL you can STOP BITING

Chapter Text

Dipsy, very tired: Can I sleep in your bed?

Laa-Laa: *half asleep* Dipsy, this is a queen-sized bed. That means it’s for *gestures vaguely to herself* the Queen.

Chapter Text

Conor: So when are you going to go out with me?

Dutch: I don’t know, when are you going to ask me to?

Finn: And you just ran away?!

Conor: I didn’t expect him to flirt back!!

Chapter Text

Lenny: Oh my god. Anne, I just realized something. I had a bad childhood.

Anne: Yeah, I know.

Lenny: What do you mean, you know?

Anne: Look at you.

Lenny: What do you mean, look at me?

Anne: Look at how you stand. People who had good childhoods don’t stand like that.

Chapter Text

Dutch: *Kicks the door open, looking panicked*

Finn: What did you do?!

Dutch: NOBODY DIED!

Finn: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

Chapter Text

Guardian: Imagine bumping into you here. What a coincidence. The fates must be on our side.

Laa-Laa: You broke into my house.

Chapter Text

Guardian, eating cereal at the kitchen counter:

Laa-Laa, walking into the kitchen:

Guardian:

Laa-Laa:

Guardian: We need to stop meeting like this.

Laa-Laa: Stop breaking into my house!

Chapter Text

Dipsy about Laa-Laa: She is the nicest, sweetest, most rage-filled person I know

Chapter Text

Conor: *Holding up a pack of pencils* These are kinda cute.

Dutch: Conor, that’s gay.

Conor: We’ve been dating for 2 years—

Chapter Text

Gary: If there is credit to take, I will humbly take it.

Lenny: And if there is blame, it's Gary's fault.

Gary: HEY!

Chapter Text

*Guardian falls down the stairs*

Po: Are you okay!?

Dipsy: Stop falling down the stairs.

Laa-Laa: How'd the ground taste?

Chapter Text

Guardian: They hate me for being a slut and maybe also the killings too but that's unlikely

Chapter Text

Lenny: Did it hurt when you fell?

Anne: From what? Heaven, or in love?

Lenny: Annie, as much as I would love to save your ego…

Lenny: YOU JUST FACE PLANTED DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS!

Chapter Text

Laa-Laa and/or Guardian: I get my news from the only reliable source, cryptic symbolism in my dreams.

Chapter Text

Lenny: Are you high?

Miles: No…

Dutch: *not saying anything but is giggling like an idiot*

Richard: Are we what?

Lenny: High.

Gary: Hello :D

Chapter Text

Guardian: Please? For me?

Lenny: Don't do that.

Guardian, innocently: Do what?

Lenny: You think whenever you say "please for me" I'll do whatever you want. Well not this time!

Guardian, with puppy eyes: ...please?...for me?

Lenny: ...Okay.

Chapter Text

Lenny, overstimulating: Silence.

Gary: I was-

Lenny, pouring coffee: Silence.

Gary: I am not-

Lenny, shaking: Silence.

Gary: You're going to keep saying-

Lenny, gripping the man by the throat: SILENCE!

Chapter Text

Modern AU Guardian: I'm going thottin', plottin', and trottin'.

Lenny: Don't be going around with your ass hanging out..

Guardian: HOE LIFE OR NO LIFE

Chapter Text

Guardian, about Laa-Laa: She's so beautiful I NEED to get on her nerves

Chapter Text

Dutch, to Finn: I'm so happy for you and your ugly fucking husband I'm serious

Chapter Text

My Anne to fanon Anne: Aren't you tired of being nice? Don't you just wanna go apeshit?

Chapter Text

Guardian: Bitches be like "You're mine". First of all, I'm on probation. I belong to the state.

Chapter Text

Dutch: In this world, it's milk or be milked....

Finn: It's really not

Chapter Text

Finn: Always strive to eat the stars.

Lenny: Aren't they too hot?

Dutch: Blow on them first, idiot.

Chapter Text

Guardian: Sometimes I get the overwhelming urge to eat two thirds of a brick

Dutch: What do you do with the other third???

Guardian: Feed it to Anne.

Chapter Text

Dutch: My biggest fear is a killer saying some funny shit while I'm playing dead

Chapter Text

Lenny: From the bottom of my heart, I don't give a fuck.

Chapter Text

Anne: How are you doing?

Lenny: *Makes several hand gestures and various noises rather than giving an actual answer*

Chapter Text

Dipsy: I'm breaking up with you.

Laa-Laa: No, you're not.

Dipsy: No I'm not.

Chapter Text

Guardian: *Loud sigh*

Lenny: What’s wrong, babe?

Guardian: You haven’t looked at me in the past ten minutes.

Lenny: …We’re watching a movie.

Guardian: Did I ask for an excuse?

Chapter Text

Anne: *pulls back the shower curtain whilst Lenny is in the shower*

Anne: Are we- stop screaming its me- are we out of doritos?

Lenny: WE DON'T LIVE TOGETHER?!

---

Guardian: I never considered you an enemy.

Laa-Laa: I never considered you at all.

Guardian: Now that’s just hurtful.

---

Richard: Did you have to stab Gary?

Lenny: You weren’t there. You didn’t hear what he said to me.

Richard: What did he say?

Lenny: "What are you going to do, stab me?"

Richard: That’s fair.

Chapter Text

Dutch: When you said 'Magic in Bed', I wasn't expecting this...

Conor: *pulls out card from deck* Now, was this your card?

Dutch: Holy shit-

Chapter Text

Richard: Believe it or not, but this is actually my first tine cooking

Finn, chocking on a mouthful of half raw pasta: I never would have guessed

Chapter Text

Lenny: I be like "Who knows?" and I be the one knowing

Chapter Text

Guardian: I'm more than just a pretty face, I'm also a terrible person

Chapter Text

Guardian: Morning affirmation: "I am the victim"

Chapter Text

Lenny: I have the sharpest memory here - name one time I forgot something!

Gary: You forgot me, Dutch, and Anne in a Walmart parking lot at 2 am a day ago.

Lenny: I did that on purpose, try again.

Chapter Text

Laa-Laa: If you wanna know what women want, talk to a woman.

Po: That's brilliant! Where can I find one?

Laa-Laa: I'M A WOMAN! I'M REFINED AND ELEGANT LIKE A DELICATE FLOWER, YOU-

Chapter Text

Lenny (as a child): Why are all the songs about love?

His mom: One day you will understand

Lenny (as an adult): Seriously why are all the songs about love and sex this is ridiculous

Chapter Text

Gary: Request for you to not be a bitch

Lenny: Request denied.

Chapter Text

Gary: I'm sure wherever Lenny is, he's looking down on us.

Conor: Lenny's dead?!

Gary: Oh, no. He's not dead. Just very condescending.

Chapter Text

Guardian: There's nothing I can't do!

Miles: You can't reach the top shelf.

Guardian:...

Miles: That's one thing you can't do.

Chapter Text

Guardian, about Lenny: This man can't be fixed. I can fuck him though. Maybe that will calm him down.

Chapter Text

Conor: I'm not a fan of how I act when I like someone.

---

Gary: Hey

Lenny: Hi

Gary: You done being insane yet?

---

Anne, texting Lenny: Baby I'm sorry.

Anne: My beautiful princess with multiple disorders, talk to me

---

Lenny, texting Gary: Hahaha yayyy :D can't wait to hurt you

Lenny: hug**

Chapter Text

Richard, on the phone with Lenny's teacher: He got into a fight?

--

Richard, running up to the office: Lenny, Lenny!

Lenny: ..Yes?

Richard: Did you win or lose?

Chapter Text

Ron: Chat what do we think?

Lenny and Tobby: Can you not call us that please.

Chapter Text

Anne: This town is big enough for the two of us.

Dutch, confused: Don't the saying goes "not big enough"?

Anne: Yes. But I like you.

Dutch, tears up: *unintelligent noises of happiness*

Chapter Text

Dutch: If I ever cheated on you, would you stay with me?

Conor: Yes of course! I would stay by your side for the rest of your tragically short life.

Chapter Text

Guardian: The stars are so beautiful...

Lenny: They're just giant balls of gas.

Guardian: You know what, if you're just going to ruin this, then-

Lenny: And yet none of them are as huge as my love for you.

Guardian: Oh.

Chapter Text

Tinky-Winky: I know I said dress for the job you want not the one you have, but-

Laa-Laa, in a sparkling green dress, with fairy wings, a tiara and carrying a large sword: But what?

Chapter Text

Guardian: Fuck "passing", I want people to be so confused about my gender they blow up

Chapter Text

Guardian, showing up to Laa-Laa's door ten years later after they had an argument: AND ANOTHER THING-

Chapter Text

Dutch: *Gets down on one knee*

Conor: Oh my god, it’s finally happening.

Dutch: *Falls over*

Conor: The poison is kicking in.

Chapter Text

Dutch: Whaddya call a fish with no eye?

Lenny, not looking up from his computer: Myxine Circifrons

Dutch:

Dutch: fsh

---

Anne: You look good in that lab coat.

Lenny: You know where else I'd look good?

Anne, zero hesitation: My bed.

Lenny, at the same time: By your side- wait, what?

Chapter Text

Miles: There are times where I feel you don’t take me seriously.

Lenny:....There are times you feel I do?

Chapter Text

Crawler: mmm my tummy hurts :(((

Miles: JUST SAY YOU HAVE A STOMACH ACHE

Chapter Text

Dutch: "I'm inside your walls" is boring.

Dutch: "I'm inside your balls" is threatening and confusing.

Chapter Text

Anne: Your eyes reflect the light of flames so majestically, they remind me of the shining stars of night, makes me think of the unlimited love i feel towards you and your beautiful soul.

Lenny: DARLING. THE. KITCHEN. IS. ON. FIRE.

Chapter Text

Gary: Are you living or are you just jumping from one obsession to the other to run away from yourself

Lenny: What are you, the coping mechanism police or something?

Chapter Text

Gary: Welcome to the fuck Lenny club, where we all gather to say a collective 'fuck you' to Lenny.

Guardian, sweating: ...I might have misunderstood

Chapter Text

Anne: I miss you and I wanna kiss you

Lenny: There better be more than kissing

Lenny: There better be coffee

Chapter Text

Finn: Getting my eyes checked because idk what I saw in him

Chapter Text

Miles: If a short person is talking shit just say "don't give me that altitude".

--

Crawler: Can we talk about fish?

Lenny: Sure.

Crawler: They think they're better than me.

Lenny: How dare they

Chapter Text

Anne: I like my men fruity and pathetic. You wouldn't get it

Chapter Text

Lenny: He's not just "some guy". He's my partner. Don't touch him

Chapter Text

Finn: What if I killed myself.

Chapter Text

Lenny: Why does everybody know what slurs to call me!?

Richard: They're empaths

Chapter Text

Dutch: Dude I've been accidentally waterboarding myself for years

Anne:....What.

Chapter Text

Guardian: Oh, nice! A letter, I wonder what it sa-

Guardian, reading the letter:..."Kill yourself".

---

Quince: I can shoot you right now and no one would find your body

Lenny: Well that's not very demure or mindful of you

Quince: *snorts* NO-

Lenny: I'm with the times, Quin, unlike your captain

Quince: I CAN'T- *wheeze*

---

Lenny: I left instructions for everyone while I'm gone.

Ash: Mine just says "Ashley no."

Lenny: I want you to apply it to every possible situation.

---

Guardian: Using your brain is so hard. I understand why twitter users don't do it.

---

Guardian: I may be stupid-

---

Laa-Laa: *shows her drawing of Guardian*

Laa-Laa: Your eyes are green like mine because I ran out of blue.

Guardian: My eyes are red.

Laa-Laa: Now you tell me.

Chapter Text

Laa-Laa, after her dream: We're going to die..

Po: Of fun!

Chapter Text

Anne: What did you do with the body?

Dutch: What didn’t I do with the body?

Anne:

Dutch:....Okay, that sounded way more sexual than I intended. I disposed of the body RESPECTFULLY.

Chapter Text

Tobby: Remember, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Lenny: I think I crossed that line when I got a date.

Chapter Text

Guardian: I’m in love with you.

Lenny: We called off the prank war at midnight, you moron.

Guardian: I know.

Lenny: Oh. Uh. Cool. Very cool. Cool, cool—

Chapter Text

Leon: What's a father? A father is a man, and men bleed the same. They can die the same. They WILL die the same.

Tinky-Winky: Omg what happened???

Laa-Laa: Dipsy told him he's too old for swings

Chapter Text

Richard: I believe everyone should feel accepted for who they are. So, what're everyone's pronouns?

Gary: Tranny/faggot

Richard: Everyone expect Gary.

Chapter Text

Lenny, as a teen: *sneaks into the house late*

Finn: *turns in swivel chair* Care to tell me where you were?

Lenny: I was at a…foreign film festival with…uh...Richard!

Richard: *also turns in swivel chair* Want to try again?

Chapter Text

Miles: Are you alright? Do you feel like you’re going to pass out?

Anne, bleeding out: I can’t. I have a date with Lenny tonight.

Miles: ....You need to sort out your priorities.

Chapter Text

Lenny: No, we're not getting a cat. Taking care of you is already enough.

Anne: Oh come on! I promise I’ll take care of them! Promise! I will!

Lenny: Fine. They're your responsibility then. I want nothing to do with them.

-Weeks Later-

Anne: Can I pet her?

Lenny: Absolutely not, she came to me first.

Chapter Text

Anne: I told Lenny that his ears turn red when he lies.

Guardian: Why?

Anne: Look. Hey, Lenny! Do you love us?

Lenny, covering his ears: No.

Anne and Guardian: *quiet snickering*

Chapter Text

Dutch: *kicks open door*

Dutch: So you two ARE having sex!

Anne and Lenny: *Laying around and reading*

Lenny: We are? Anne, why didn’t you tell me? I would have put my book down.

Chapter Text

Conor: Everyone lied to me when I got engaged to Dutch. Being married is fucking great. There's a whole other person in my house and he loves me.

Chapter Text

Laa-Laa: Why are you, as a man, drinking lemonade?

Guardian: Fuck it I'm nonbinary now. This shit is getting crazy

Chapter Text

Laa-Laa: I beat my men stop dming me

Chapter Text

Dutch: How do I become a farmer like do I need to apply anywhere or do I just start digging

Chapter Text

Lenny: Are you mad?

Crawler: No.

Lenny: So sharpening your claws at 3 in the morning is just a hobby?

--

Conor: Cute first date idea: hand-to-hand combat

--

Laa-Laa: You've got issues

Guardian: You've noticed <3

Chapter Text

Finn: Tell Lenny about the birds and the bees.

Richard: They're disappearing at an alarming rate.

Chapter Text

Laa-Laa: I am a homewrecker, like my mother before me.

Chapter Text

Lenny: *sobbing*

Gary: Hey, are you oka-

Lenny: GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME

Chapter Text

Gary: Yeah, yeah, fucking that old man, but what about cherishing that old man? Tenderly holding that old man?

Finn: Shut up virgin that old man's gonna need a hip replacement after I'm done with him

Chapter Text

Dutch: You look gay in that shirt.

Miles: Well, the thing about that is I was gay before I even put on this shirt.

Chapter Text

Gary, probably talking about Miles: What makes a bigger memory than a passionate kiss?

Lenny: A stab wound.

Chapter Text

Guardian: My flip flops are clacking too loud in this stairwell :((( I am sooo not giving mysterious cool girl right now

Laa-Laa: SHOTS FIRED IN THE STAIRWELL

Laa-Laa: 124 INJURED 36 DEAD

Guardian: Okay I get it :/

Laa-Laa: THE HORROR

Chapter Text

Lenny, about Finn and Dutch: Dislike seeing adult twins in public. Feels like they're going to ask me a riddle

Chapter Text

Tiddlynoo: This is the worst fucking movie I've ever seen oh my god

Noo-Noo: It's my favorite movie ever now I think we should breed and ask our child what they think

Tiddlynoo: What the fuck did you just say to me

Chapter Text

Miles, texting Gary: You can't "I'm just a little guy" your way out of this one, cunt

Gary: Yes I can fuck you

Miles: Please.....use commas

Chapter Text

Finn: Just go up to him and tell him what you feel!

Guardian: But-

Finn: Just do it!

Guardian: Alright...

*a few minutes later*

Guardian: Your ass makes me forget about my dead mom

Lenny:..What?

Chapter Text

Dutch: "DVD regions". Stupid. Stupid concept. We are One World. Why must this poor disk be french

---

Richard, holding a big box: Hypothetically, what would you do if one day I came home with 6 puppies?

Finn: What’s in the box?

Richard:.....

Finn: What’s in the box, Richard?

Richard: I think you know.

---

Lenny: I think Ashley and Quince would get along pretty well, I should introduce them to each other!

*later*

Lenny, 4 hours into Ashley and Quince doing a rap battle: I made a horrible mistake...

---

Dutch: If a demon possessed me, I’d just be like, “Okay, take it from here, good luck man.”

---

Laa-Laa: The waiter at Olive Garden has been grating my cheese for 6 hours now, waiting for me to say when. Customers are screaming. Three people have died.

Laa-Laa: I will not yield.

---

Lenny: Do you have any shaving cream?

Dutch: No, I don't like the way that it tastes.

Lenny: Wait...you eat shaving cream?

Dutch: No. Why would I eat it if I don't like the taste?

---

Lenny: Guardian, what do you really want in this life?

Guardian: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Lenny:

Guardian:

Lenny:....The master sword?

Guardian: Yes.

---

Finn, texting Richard: Text me when you're home safely.

Richard: I'm home dangerously.

Finn: Stop it.

Richard: I'm home lethally.

---

Guardian: I’m just remembering that my second year outside of the sewers...someone asked me to “Validate their Parking” which was the first time I heard that phrase and after blinking stupidly for a full five seconds I said “Well, parking is very hard but I’m sure you did really well.”

---

Richard: How did none of you hear what I just said?!

Dutch: I've been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.

Finn: I got distracted halfway through.

Lenny: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

---

Anne: I’m genuinely surprised you haven’t gotten arrested, let alone gotten a felony yet.

Dutch: Nat 20 Charisma.

Anne: That is NOT how that works.

---

Guardian, to Laa-Laa: You wanna fight? All right, let’s take this outside. The stars are so bright tonight and the moon looks so nice. Here, hold my hand—

---

Guardian: I'm going to bed

Lenny: It's 4 p.m.

Guardian: Time isn't real, stop oppressing me.

---

Guardian: Are we fighting or flirting?

Laa-Laa: I'm pinning you against a wall with my hand around your neck-

Guardian: Your point?

---

Lenny: Don’t you have something to say to your coworker?

Tobby: I am sorry I flicked flour in your face.

Lenny: Ron?

Ron: I’m sorry you’re my coworker.

Chapter Text

Guardian: The horrors persist, but so do I

---

Finn: Why are you burning our marriage certificate!?

Richard: Good luck trying to return me without a receipt.

Chapter Text

Guardian: I showed you my chemical imbalance please respond

Chapter Text

Guardian and Anne: How old is your dad?

Quince: Too old for you AND HE'S MARRIED

Quince: STAY AWAY FROM MY FATHER GUYS

Quince: STAY AWAY FROM MY FATHER-

Chapter Text

Guardian: Sorry if I sound really weird

Lenny: You do, but you have charmed me.

Lenny: I want to study you now.

Guardian: Oh?

Chapter Text

Finn: Dutch, could you do me a favor?

Dutch: I would literally die for you but go on

Chapter Text

Guardian: I am going to lay completely still on the floor until either things start going my way or I disintegrate into nothing.

Chapter Text

Miles, about Crawler: He's feral!

Lenny: Why do you think we keep that mask on him? He bites.

Miles: And lemme guess; No shots?

Lenny: I want you to take one good look at your surroundings and tell me that making sure that tubby isn't rabid is top priority.

Anne, holding Crawler: ...Wait is he rabid-?

Chapter Text

Dutch: What if Lenny was wrong?

Guardian: I'd reshape reality to make him right.

Chapter Text

Gary, ordering coffee: Hey, I just got my heart broken, what do you recommend?

Lenny, who’s running the drive through:....

Lenny: Tequila.

Chapter Text

Dipsy, throwing a pokeball at Laa-Laa: Laa-Laa, I choose you!

Laa-Laa, not looking up from her food and catching it: You need an Ultra ball to catch this Legendary Pokémon.

Chapter Text

Anne: Guys, I’ve been meaning to tell you…Lenny and I are dating.

Lenny, Richard, Finn, and Dutch: *gasp*

Anne: Len, why are you surprised?!

---

Guardian: I think you might have anger issues.

Lenny, surrounded by multiple knives stabbed into tables and walls: What makes you think that?

---

Finn: Richard....

Richard: Oh no, 'Richard' in b-flat.

Richard: You're disappointed.

---

Finn: If you took a shot for every time you made a bad decision, how drunk would you be?

Lenny: Maybe a bit tipsy?

Dutch: Drunk.

Anne: Wasted.

Guardian, cringing: Dead.

---

Lenny: *looking at Guardian* Well, well, well if it isn't the feelings I've been trying to avoid.

---

Dutch: Do you cook?

Richard: I made a cake once.

Finn: Yeah, it was good.

Dutch: Really?

Finn: Don’t make me lie twice, Dutch.

Chapter Text

Anne: Some of us--I don’t wanna name names--have a history of making very bad self-sabotaging decisions, and it makes me think-

Miles: Is it me?

Anne: No.

Guardian: Is it me?

Anne:...It's not Miles.

Chapter Text

Guardian, to Lenny: I can't go to therapy they'll tell me to stop fucking you

Chapter Text

Dutch: Love is dead and never existed. All you did was betray me as I lay sick and festering. You are the definition of dread.

Anne: Are you okay??

Dutch: My brother stole my fucking garlic bread

Chapter Text

Guardian, texting Lenny: Len, what's going on in the lab?

Lenny, trying to distract Guardian from the fact that Quince started a fire: Don't worry about it, babe.

Guardian: Okay <3

Guardian: yay <3

Chapter Text

Guardian: Lenny has a very strange patchwork of knowledge..It's anybody's guess as to what he knows about any given topic. Watch.

Guardian, walking up to Lenny: Hey Lenny, who sculpted Mount Rushmore?

Lenny: Gutzon Borglum. Then his son finished it. Why?

Guardian: And what state is it in?

Lenny: I-I DON'T KNOW! Ecuador or something...

Chapter Text

Lenny: QUINCE WHY IS YOUR SEATBELT NOT ON!?! NO SIR!

Quince: Sometimes the feeling of a seatbelt can be overstimulating.

Ash: How overstimulating do you think it would be to be disfigured in a car crash I wonder

Chapter Text

Guardian: I make my ramen the way a friend taught me a few years ago. Every fall, I listen to a playlist made for me by a boy I drove across to border to hang out with. I eat sushi because a girl who won't talk to me anymore made me try it, and Indian food because my best friend's parents ordered for me before I knew what I liked. There are movies I love because someone I loved loved them first. I am a mosaic of everyone I've ever loved.

Miles: I thought everything after the ramen were the instructions on how to make it..

---

Guardian: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again! What is wrong with you? Why are you like this?

---

Miles: I want to beat someone.

Gary: But you're never going to beat the gay allegations.

---

Gary: You saved me! Why?

Lenny: People would think I murdered you if I didn't.

---

Lenny: Pros and Cons of being my friend.

Lenny: Cons: I'm an asshole!

Lenny: Pros: I'm your asshole!

---

Ash, texting Lenny: *sends a voice message*

Lenny, texting back: I'm busy. Is it urgent?

Ash: Not really.

*an hour later*

Lenny, opening the voice message:

Ashes voice from the phone: THERE'S A FUCKING FIRE!

Quince: IDIOT DON'T PUT WATER-

Evelyn and Elara: *screams*

Chapter Text

Miles: Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can't read your mind.

Chapter Text

Anne, approaching Guardian: Being a Fucking Loser™ all by yourself, handsome?

Chapter Text

Fandom: *looks at Guardian*

Fandom: Baby boy. Baby.

Fandom: *looks at Laa-Laa*

Fandom: Evil.

---

Raina: Can I be your useless dumb bitch girlfriend

Storm:...Uh..sure?

Chapter Text

Quince: I need advice.

Lenny: With what?

Quince: With love. How did you know you were in love with Guardian?

Lenny: . . .

Lenny, in confused denial: I’m in love with Guardian?

Chapter Text

Conor: FUCK YOU

Dutch: YES FUCK ME

Conor: WHAT!?

Dutch: YOU SAID IT DON’T ACT SURPRISED

Conor: I did not- *inhale* No no-

Dutch: NO TAKE BACKS

---

Dutch: Truth or dare?

Conor: *exasperated* Truth..

Dutch: Do you want to kiss me?

Conor: Dare.

Dutch: *leans in* I dare you to kiss me.

Conor: Never have I ever-

Dutch: THAT'S NOT THE GAME

---

Guardian: Fine, I'll tell you, but it doesn't make me look great, so don't judge me.

Anne: That's literally the purpose of this entire exercise.

---

Anne: Officer, I was not texting and driving. I was loading my revolver. To shoot road signs :)

Chapter Text

Anne: Short kings watch out there's a hawk flying around the base

Everyone: *looks at Guardian*

Guardian: Oh fuck off!

Chapter Text

Noo-Noo: There's something between the two of you that you might not realize...

Po: What does any of that even mean?

Laa-Laa: He's asking if we're lesbians.

---

Miles: I hate talking. Talkings for gay people.

Anne: What a theory...

Chapter Text

*in the car*

Elara: Aww.

Anne: What's wrong?

Elara: It's gone.

Guardian: What is?

Elara: My tarantula.

Lenny: *tenses up*

Anne: Okay, was it in the jar when we left the house?

Elara: Well yeah, I was just feeding it.

Lenny, paralyzed with fear: Anne, find the spider.

Anne: Lenny, I'm trying.

Lenny: Anne.

Anne: Don't stress me, sweetie. Where were you feeding it?

Elara: On the seat.

Lenny: I have a phobia of spiders, you know this!

Guardian: Lenny, just calm down.

Lenny: Oh God, oh man...

Guardian: Look under your seat, look under your dad's seat.

Elara: I did, it's not there.

Anne: Sweetie, does it have a name? Can we call it?

Lenny: Oh God.

Elara: Fred.

Anne: Fred? Okay. Fred?! Come here, Fred!

Lenny: OH GOD, OH MAN!

---

Finn: *taking a free sample twice* I am a robber and a fraud.

---

Lenny: The Pacific Ocean is wider than the Moon. Anyway how’s your day going?

Crawler: Dip moon like cookie.

---

Dutch: Your turn Lenny! Tell us a secret.

Lenny: I may have a crush on Guardian...

Miles: He said a secret, Len.

---

Gary: I wasn't injured, I was lightly stabbed.

Miles: You were stabbed?!

Gary: Lightly stabbed. I didn't want to frighten you.

---

Laa-Laa, to Guardian: I don’t think anyone has told death to fuck off quite as much as you have.

---

Guardian: Oh this is nothing that chewing my leg off like an animal stuck in a trap can't solve!

---

Richard, to Dutch: You've yeed your last haw.

Chapter Text

*at a zoo*

Dutch: What are they in for?

Finn: Dutch, this isn't a prison.

Dutch: So they can leave?

Finn: No, but-

Dutch, pointing at a meerkat: I bet that one murdered someone.

Chapter Text

Lenny: YES, this is a knife in my pocket, AND I'm happy to see you. Both can be true.

---

Anne: *kisses Lenny's cheek*

Lenny: What the hell was that?!

Anne: Affection.

Lenny: Disgusting.

Anne:

Lenny:

Lenny: Do it again.

---

Noo-Noo: If only you knew...

Guardian: Mannn if only I gave a FUCK!

---

Guardian: I need boy advice! Help!

Conor: Kill him.

---

Dutch: I can’t believe you live nearby, and you won’t let anyone crash at your place.

Lenny: You people already know too much about me.

Dutch: I know exactly three facts about you, and one of them is that you won’t let any of us crash at your place.

---

Miles: Must be hard not being able to laugh..

Lenny: I do have a sense of humor you know.

Miles: I’ve never heard you laugh before.

Lenny: I’ve never heard you say anything funny

---

Guardian: What’s up guys? I’m back.

Anne: What the- you can’t be here. You’re dead. I literally saw you die.

Guardian: Death is a social construct.

---

Ash: Alright, let's go over this one more time.

Ash: What if something breaks?

Quince: We try to fix it before Lenny gets here.

Ash: If it doesn't work?

Quince: We blame Gary.

Chapter Text

Lenny, jumping onto the couch: ACK, SHIT! A SPIDER! KILL IT!

Anne: C'mon, be a man!

Lenny: BE A MAN??? IT'S A BLACK WIDOW, ANNE

---

Irri: I refuse to die. What's God gonna do? Kill me? I already told her no.

Chapter Text

Lenny: I literally cannot believe I let you talk me into this.

Guardian: I literally said “I have an idea,” and you just went along with it without question.

---

Anne: You need to stop doing weird shit to cope with stress, go outside or something.

Guardian: I went to the park today!

Anne: Great! I hope you got something from that.

Guardian: *opening his coat* This duck

---

Gary: If you spell skeletons backward, it still spells skeletons.

Lenny, deadpan: Wow, I can't wait for Halloween to see some snoteleks.

---

Lenny: Everybody is gangster until they're asked to reveal a "fun fact" about themselves as a part of a work event icebreaker.

---

Lenny, flirting: I don't ignore you as much as I ignore other Teles.

---

Dipsy: Can't believe I really have to drink hand sanitizer!

Po: You really don't have to.

Dipsy: Well I'm gonna.

---

Richard: Do you want to see a butterfly?

Finn: Yes.

Lenny: NO!

Richard: *throws the butter across the table*

Miles: Fucking majestic.

---

Lenny: You'd really do that for me?

Anne: I'd do a lot of things to you.

Lenny:...You mean for me?

Anne: That too.

---

Lenny: I’m not feeling so good.

Anne: Why? What’s wrong?

Lenny: I keep getting a headache that comes and goes.

*Gary enters the room*

Lenny: There it is again.

Chapter Text

Guardian: Are you flirting with me?

Lenny: I'm trying

Lenny: I have no idea what I'm doing

Chapter Text

*There's a fire in the lab*

Ashi: WE NEED AN ADULT!

Quince: Ash, you're an adult.

Ash: WE NEED AN ADULTIER ADULT, GET LENNY!

---

Noo-Noo: Are you a practicing homosexual?

Tinky-Winky: No. I don't need practice. I'm very good at it.

---

Tinky-Winky: Guard, you need to stop stalking Laa-Laa.

Guardian: I wasn't stalking. We were just hanging out. Without her knowing I was there.

---

Laa-Laa: I can't hang out tonight...I foresaw a dire omen.

Dipsy: Ok man.

---

Guardian: I have felt permanently guilty for no reason ever since I was like 14 years old

---

Lenny: "You're so mean!" If you guys weren't so fucking stupid I wouldn't have to be mean to you. Change starts with you

---

Laa-Laa: I suffer everyday and for what? Girlish whimsy?

Dipsy: You have something much more sinister going on

---

Gary: Lenny? What are you doing at the circus?

Lenny: I've developed a crush on Guardian. I belong here with the clowns.

Gary: ...Okay.

---

Conor: Hey, no homo, but I am sitting on the broken swing set out back in the perfect, quiet, 2:00 am blackness and picturing the softness of your voice and the darkness of your eyes with such perfect and terrible clarity that it feels like I'm choking on my own heartbeat.

Conor: Now I’m eating croutons straight out the bag

Dutch: Still no homo?

Conor: I'm gonna level with you: I am eating these croutons gay style.

---

Noo-Noo: I’m about to send you to the worst place in the world.

Guardian: Your Twitter account?

Chapter Text

Guardian: Is ice cream an adequate breakfast?

Lenny: No.

Dutch: Yes.

Lenny, firmly: No.

Chapter Text

Miles: How are you so calm?!

Lenny: I’ve passed beyond “stressed”, beyond “hysteria”, into the gray misty indifference of complete shutdown of all but emergency services in my brain.

Chapter Text

Laa-Laa: Bottling up negative emotions is bad for your health!

Dipsy: That's why I bottle up positive ones too!

---

Finn: A good romance starts with a good friendship

Richard: Aww

Gary: And a bad romance starts with rah rah ah ah ah ro ma ro ma ma gaga ooh la la

---

Cave: Eww..What kind of tea is this?

Arrow: I boiled gatorade.

---

Conor: So there's 206 bones in the tele body...

Dutch: 208 if we are in the same room.

Conor: what

Dutch: what

Chapter Text

Lenny: Any guy can be babygirl but it takes a man to be a single mother

---

Guardian: "I hate you" okay then have an enemies to lovers arc with me

---

Lenny: Just invented a new emotion....it's when you're calm but also insane

Dutch: It's called anxiety????

Chapter Text

Lenny: Hi.

Gary: Hey.

Lenny: Beautiful day isn't it?

Gary: Yeah.

Lenny: You don't deserve to be outside enjoying the sun.

Gary:....What?

Lenny: You should be in a cave.

Chapter Text

Crawler: If you ever feel safe please remember that I'm out there

Chapter Text

Anne, going to the outskirts with Guardian to find Laa: This could be an absolute failure, but knowing me and knowing Guardian, this is going to go just fine!

Guardian, afterwards, on the verge of tears: I killed a woman today.

Chapter Text

Richard: Why did you shoot them?!

Lenny: I forgot my knife

Richard: *sigh*

---

Guardian: Guess what I'm about to get!

Laa-Laa: On my nerves.

---

Lenny: I only have two emotions: exhaustion and stress. And I’m somehow always feeling both simultaneously.

---

Dutch: Trust us, Len. Have we ever put you in an unsafe and uncomfortable position?

Lenny: All the time.

Dutch: Then you should be used to it.

---

Gary: Adulting is hard.

Gary: How do I quit?

Miles: Time travel.

Lenny: Die.

---

Richard: Why do you do this?

Lenny: Rage. Trauma. Trust Issues. The Current World Situation. Fatherhood. Take your pick.

---

Anne: I do this thing called "what I want".

---

Guardian: My life isn’t as glamorous as my wanted poster makes it look like.

---

Guardian: "Will you match my freak?" No. I'm freakier than you. This is a competition and I'm winning.

---

Finn: In the name of the Mother, Sister and the Holy Spirit-

Dutch: Head, shoulders, knees and toes-

Miles: Turn up your nose and strike that pose

Gary: HEYYYYYYY MACARENA

Chapter Text

Gary: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That's not..Please don't order it that way.

---

Lenny: Cops busted me for felony possession of various knickknacks and doohickeys

Chapter Text

Miles: Why are you looking at me through a fork…?

Crawler: I’m pretending you’re in jail.

Miles: Why?

Crawler: It’s spiritually healing.

---

Finn: Is stabbing someone immoral?

Dutch: Depends on who you're stabbing.

Lenny: Only if you let it be.

---

Dipsy: Who’s your favorite vampire?

Po: The one from Sesame Street.

Dipsy: He doesn’t count.

Po: I assure you, he does.

---

Anne: Why is Guardian crying?

Lenny: He took a 'which military soldier are you' quiz.

Anne: And?

Lenny: And he got Miles.

Chapter Text

Richard: Today I realised I'm old.

Finn: What happened?

Richard: I fell in the bar and instead of laughing, Lenny came running to see if I was ok.

Finn:

Richard: I saw fear in his eyes.

---

Lenny: Oh my Guardian.

Miles: Don't you mean oh my Goddess, Lenny?

Lenny: You worship your god I'll worship mine.

---

Guardian: New year, new me.

Lenny: Uh, it’s September.

Guardian: Time is an illusion.

Chapter Text

Laa-Laa: Do you need anything from the store?

Po: Actually, yes. I have a list.

Laa-Laa, reading the list: Epsom salts, coconut oil, baking soda, cornstarch, lavender essential oils...citric acid...?

Po: I’m making homemade bath bombs.

Laa-Laa: Smokeless gunpowder?!

Po: I want to do it right!

---

Richard: How was the game?

Teen Lenny: I tried to save ammo and kill the enemies with my knife. They didn't like that.

Richard: I thought you went out to play paintball?

Lenny: I did.

---

Anne: Baby on board? With what? What's he down for?

---

Lenny, to Guardian: Your catlike features and string of tragic misfortunes have entranced me

---

Crawler: Why can't I just bite Teles when they piss me off like what's the fucking issue here

---

Guardian: I hate eating around other Teles I'm not domesticated

---

Ru-Ru: I'm 13 but I have seen literally everything

---

Lenny: Just found out my entire personality is a trauma response..

---

Crawler: Stay still I'm sniffing you

---

Gary: When you're gay in your house with no one else you're homolone

Lenny: When you're bi and there's nobody around you're bi yourself

Yeti: When you're asexual and nobody is present in your vicinity, you're aceolated

Guardian: When you're pansexual and everyone else left you've been apandoned

Chapter Text

Anne: I came here to ask for your blessing to marry Lenny.

Richard: Sure! No takebacks :))

Anne:...I feel like I've walked into a trap-

---

Finn: How are you today?

Lenny: Please don’t make me think about my life.

---

Lenny: Yeah he's a dirty sewer rat but he's MY dirty sewer rat

Chapter Text

Laa-Laa: Bra size?

Anne: AK-47

---

Laa-Laa: Incredibly empathetic of me to not skin you alive btw

---

Sol: What do you do if your children are little brats?

Shadow Tubby: Kill them and make new ones.

---

Lenny: We have to get through this door!

Anne: Quick, Len! Give me your credit card!

Lenny: *Hands over his credit card*

Anne: *Pockets it*

Anne: Thank you. Now, Miles, go kick the door down.

*a few hours later*

Lenny: Can I have my card back???

Anne: No.

---

Anne: How are you feeling?

Guardian: I want to take a bath with a toaster.

Anne: So....bad.

---

Guardian: Gary has been spreading rumours that we're dating

Lenny: I wish...

Guardian: What was that?

Lenny: I said that bitch

Chapter Text

Lenny: Wish I lacked critical thinking skills y'all seem so happy

---

Lenny, about Crawler: It's not that he's "evil" … He just lacks empathy and he goes into a dissociative state and commits atrocities.

Chapter Text

Gary: I've never asked you, but what's your body count?

Guardian, thinking murder: Fifty-ish. You?

Gary, thinking getting laid: Hey, same!

Chapter Text

Laa-Laa: Cooking together is NOT romantic, MOVE out my fucking way

---

Lenny: When I have a crush I don't kick my feet or twirl my hair instead I am in the kitchen at 3am pacing in circles with my hands clasped behind my back like a middle-aged divorced detective haunted by a cold case he just can't solve

Chapter Text

Gary: Which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and five ARE thirteen?

Lenny: Neither.

Lenny: Because it's twelve.

Chapter Text

Anne: Aww he's so cute!

Laa-Laa: Thanks, he's a rescue.

Guardian: Stop calling me that.

Chapter Text

Laa-Laa, texting Dipsy: You say "haha where's the freaking gabagool" way too much

Laa-Laa: It's really weird.

Laa-Laa: I'm sorry, but I want to break up.

Dipsy: Not reading that essay.

---

Finn: Seeing my man lost in a corn maze would give me the ick. My husband would never get befuddled by grain.

---

Guardian, about Miles: Honestly he was dramatic about this.

Anne: HE GOT SHOT???

---

Laa-Laa: I HAVE TO PISS! IF YOU DON'T GET OUT OF THE FUCKING RESTROOM RIGHT NOW I'LL FUCK YOUR MOM!

Po: She's dead, bitch!

Laa-Laa: AND!?

*Dipsy and Tinky in the other room flabbergasted*

---

Dutch: If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.

Richard: If I was your husband, I'd drink it.

---

Quince: What is love?

Guardian: An emotion.

Lenny: A neurochemical reaction.

Ash: Baby don't hurt me

---

Lenny, to Gary: Well, one of us has to be wrong and it’s not going to be me.

Chapter Text

Miles: Can I say something that will probably annoy you?

Lenny: Since when do you ask for permission?

Chapter Text

Anne: I dare you to marry me.

Lenny: No. I'm not falling for that, idiot.

Anne: Then I win.

Lenny: What? No you don’t. I’ll marry the hell out of you. You’re officially my wife now. You can’t beat me like that.

---

Laa-Laa: *fast-forwards all the way through the movie*

Tinky-Winky: You can't just skip to the happy ending!

Laa-Laa: I don't have time for their problems.

---

Po: Rules for my car
-No food
-I pick the music
-Must put this mask on
-Feet off the dash
-Here take this gun
-We're robbing a bank
-Don't be a pussy

---

Richard: Where's Gary?

Lenny: We had an argument. He's in the garden.

Richard: I was just out there and I didn't see him.

Lenny: Dig deeper.

Chapter Text

Richard: How long does it take before you start hallucinating from sleep deprivation?

Anne: I think it’s -

Lenny: Seventy two hours

Richard:

Anne:

Miles: How do you know that?

Lenny: The unicorn behind you told me

---

Guardian: Why should I have to "find a therapist". Personally I think the therapists should all be fighting over who gets to be the one to delve into my beautiful mind.

Chapter Text

Laa-Laa: I came into this world screaming and covered in someone else's blood, and I'm not afraid to go out the same way.

---

Lenny: If you have any suggestions, please put them in the suggestion box.

Gary:....That's a trash can..

---

Ash, late to a party: Sorry, I was otherwise occupied with a little B and E

Quince: You went to a bed and breakfast without me?

Ash: No, B and E, breaking and entering.

Quince, increasingly distraught: WITHOUT ME?

---

Guardian: Am I in trouble?

Lenny: Take a guess.

Guardian: No?

Lenny: Take another guess.

---

Laa-Laa: Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

---

Dutch: Look, Guardian, it's the third time this week you had a mental breakdown and its Monday.

---

Po: I’m trying to be more organized.

Tinky-Winky: So you’re just throwing everything into a drawer instead of the floor now?

---

Guardian: Everyone wants me. Especially this guy chasing me with a knife

---

Guardian: A fist fight CAN be romantic. If you're fucking gay.

---

Lenny, at Guardian: There's something deeply, fundamentally wrong with you. Can we kiss?

---

Ghost Girl, joking: I'm a demon sent here to get you to go crazy.

Guardian: Another one?

Ghost Girl: What do you mean another one?!

---

Doctor: How would you rate your pain?

Guardian: 0/10. Would not recommend.

Chapter Text

Finn: Ugh! Leave me alone! Don't you get it!? This is not about chu!

Dutch: Not about chew?

Anne: What does that mean?

Dutch: I don't know. Sounds Cantonese.

Finn: I said this is not about chu.

Anne: Not a bad chew?

Finn: NOT ABOUT CHU!

Dutch: Still not getting it.

Chapter Text

Laa-Laa: Yes I'm a gatekeeper and a hater. I'm also God's favorite princess and the most interesting girl in the world.

---

Headless Dipsy: I'm not playing hard to get.....I can't talk

Chapter Text

Lenny: Quin, we need to talk.

Quince: Huh? What is it?

Lenny: I'm dating Anne and Guardian now.

Quince: *passes out*

Chapter Text

Lenny: The path to inner peace begins with four words

Lenny: Not my fucking problem

Chapter Text

Guardian: I have feelings for you.

Lenny: Why? What’s wrong with you? Are you sure you’re okay?

---

Fight Attendant: Before we take off please make sure that all small items are secured.

Dipsy: Do you feel safe?

Po: Fuck you.

---

Finn: Why is there blood everywhere?

Lenny: I may have aggressively poked someone with a knife.

Finn: You stabbed someone?!

Lenny: No, no. I aggressively poked someone with a knife.

Chapter Text

Laa-Laa: I hate you.

Guardian: Well, according to this picture I drew of us holding hands, that is simply untrue.

Chapter Text

Not incorrect quotes but have y'all ever heard the song Call Me, Sidney by The Merkins? Literally infected Guardian and Laa-Laa

Chapter Text

Laa-Laa: When I die again, my tombstone won’t say RIP, it will say VIP.

Dipsy: That’s because they reserved a special place in hell for you.

Laa-Laa: Yeah, the throne.

---

Finn: I fell—

Richard: From heaven?

Finn: No, I literally fell—

Richard: In love with me the moment you saw me?

Finn: MY ARM IS BROKEN!

Richard: Okay, but do you think I'm pretty? Be honest.

---

Lenny: Blushing is so stupid. You're literally my blood, OBEY ME!

---

Lenny: What the fuck? People actually tell their crushes they like them??

Miles: What the hell do you do?

Lenny: I die? What kinda question...

---

Lenny: I have very high standards. I only fall in love with graceful-

Guardian: *stumbles into the room, knocking over some books, startling Lenny, and landing flat on his face*

Lenny: …

Lenny: I want that one.

---

Dutch: What are you reading?

Richard: A book about everything I love.

Dutch, looking over Richard's shoulder: That’s literally just a photo album of Finn.

Richard: What a coincidence.

Chapter Text

Dipsy: If your leg got cut off, would it hurt?

Laa-Laa:...Duh??

Dipsy: How though?

Laa-Laa: 'Cause your leg got cut off, fool!

Dipsy: Where are you gonna feel the pain??

Laa-Laa: In your le-...

Dipsy: Exactly!

Dipsy and Laa-Laa at the same time: HOW'RE YOU GONNA FEEL THE PAIN IN YOUR LEG IF YOUR LEG IS GONE???

Chapter Text

Lenny: I've been working in this lab for 20 gay years

Chapter Text

Dutch: I am 39 cheetos tall.

Conor: Why...are you measuring your height in cheetos?

Dutch: Because we're out of doritos.

---

Gary, ordering coffee: I’d like a light roast.

Lenny: You're kinda ugly.

---

Guardian: I scare people lots because I walk very softly and they don't hear me enter rooms so when they turn around I'm just kind of there and their fear fuels me

Laa-Laa: How did you get in my house?

Guardian: Exactly

---

Dutch: Everyone has a toxic trait. Except Finn, he's perfect.

Finn: Wrong! My toxic trait is how badly I want to domesticate a raccoon.

Dutch: That's not even toxic, that's just an ambitious task, and I will support you in this endeavor.

---

*during an argument*

Anne: Bite me, W!

Guardian: *actually bites Anne*

---

Dipsy: Laa-Laa's lip balm tastes like cherries..

Tinky-Winky: YOU GUYS FINALLY KISSED!?

Laa-Laa: NO HE JUST TOOK A BITE OF MY LIP BALM

---

Po: I'm gonna mix a can of Red Bull with seventeen shots of espresso in a fishbowl and then chug it while Kids by MGMT plays in the background so I can perceive twenty-three spatial dimensions and fight my own soul.

---

Laa-Laa: “Girl help” you know what? No. Girl hinder. Girl hurt. Girl…kill

Chapter Text

Lenny: Well, fuck.

Guardian: *we'll

Chapter Text

Lenny, to Guardian: You're so incredibly weird, so insufferably silly. I have to have you.

Chapter Text

Richard, about Guardian: how did he get away?!

Lenny: I let him go. I let him go!

Lenny: because shit got weird, okay?

Lenny: I had him cornered, we were fighting, it was a normal altercation!

Lenny: And then my hand ended up around his throat-

Lenny: he looks me dead in my pupils, into my soul, and says “harder”

Lenny: and I’m- I’m looking at him, and I’m like, “excuse me?!”

Chapter Text

Gary: Lenny does have a point.

Lenny: Don’t agree with me, it makes me uncomfortable.

---

Miles: Guardian does have a point.

Guardian: Don’t agree with me, it makes me uncomfortable.

Chapter Text

Anne: I was surprised by how calm you were in that fight.

Guardian: Thanks.

Guardian: I was having 6 mental breakdowns and they pretty much canceled each other out.

---

Lenny: Snowball, are you crying?

Guardian, sniffing: No, I'm having an allergic reaction.

Lenny: To what?

Guardian: Life.

Chapter Text

Finn: Bro stop chanting in dead languages you're scaring the hoes

Dutch: I'm summoning the hoes fool

Chapter Text

Quince: You really stole my car, went to Finn's house, kidnapped his dog, came back to my house, went inside and fucked my dad on the kitchen table, spilling Pepsi everywhere-

Guardian: Pepsi?? First of all, it wasn't Pepsi it was Dr. Pepper, get your facts right before you start coming at somebody-

Quince: GUARDIAN. YOU FUCKED MY DAD.

Chapter Text

Laa-Laa: I'm a fucking unicorn and fuck anyone who says I'm not

---

Po: I HATE JELLYFISH SO MUCH, THEY ARE SO FUCKING EVIL. STAY AWAY FROM THEM. ITS ONE WITH 24 EYES THAT TRIES TO EAT YOU. THE BOX JELLY. ONLY STUPID PEOPLE SAY JELLYFISH STAY IN THE WATER. WATCH, ONE DAY THEY ARE GONNA BE ABLE TO DRIVE CARS AND USE GPS AND WE ARE ALL FUCKED! JELLYFISH ARE FUCKING EVIL. IM NOT LYING OR CRAZY, THEY MIGHT BE THE NEXT SPECIES TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD. THE DAY JELLYFISH START DRIVING CARS WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE

---

Dipsy: I'm getting Wendy's does anyone want anything

Po: get me the bts meal

Dipsy: I'm finna BTS outta you

---

Guardian: Undiagnosed....but something ain't right

Chapter Text

Guardian: Hey, Sin, who were you touching earlier? What was her name?

Sin: Your mom.

Guardian: My mom??

Guardian: Is this ghost trying to be a smartass by saying she was touching my mom??

Chapter Text

Finn: If brains are biological computers, why don't we lag?

Dutch: You can't tell me you've never walked into a room and forgotten why you're there or lost a train of thought for a few seconds

Miles: Once I was driving home from school and I had a brief moment of panic because I thought I'd forgotten my car at school

Anne: Can a brain run doom

Chapter Text

Lenny: MY EWFIE IS HOME MY WIFE8 𖹭𖹭𖹭𖹭𖹭

Chapter Text

Anne: you have to apologize to Gary

Lenny: fine

Lenny: unfuck you, or whatever

Chapter Text

Richard: Which weapons are legal for felons to own?

Lenny:..Why do you need to know? Do you have a felony???

Richard: No

Finn: RICHARD. ARE YOU A FELON.

Richard: No, but everyone else is, so I have to work around that.

Chapter Text

Guardian: I miss my husband..

Anne: He's literally just taking a nap

Chapter Text

Miles: Take heed.

Anne: What the hell does that mean???

Miles: Thy will soon fonder.

---

Tinky-Winky, about Guardian: Huh, he actually turned his life around.

Laa-Laa: That's a shame. I hope he relapses and dies. Right now.

---

Guardian: What can I say? I'm charming and irresponsible.

Lenny: Don't you mean irresistible?

Guardian: No- wait what

---

Dipsy: Yes I looked both ways before I crossed the street. I looked both 'handsome' and 'radiant'. Too bad I got hit by that car...

---

Quince: Just came out to my dad and he came out to me?????

Chapter Text

Lenny: NOW GUARDIAN IS STEALING MY KNIVES

Lenny: MY OWN HUSBAND IS AGAINST ME

Chapter Text

Lenny: I'm a really affection person once you get past my 4 layers of awkwardness, fear, dislike, and loneliness.

--

Lenny, completely monotone: Wow. That's crazy.

--

Guardian: Oh, you're a gamer dude? Tell me five facts about Barbie Horse Adventures: Wild Horse Rescue.

--

Richard: No meds no therapy no psych ward just raw dogging this mental illness the way Sol intended

--

Lenny: Why is everyone suddenly scared of me?

Gary: Maybe it's the bloody knife you're holding?

Lenny: Ridiculous. I haven't even killed anyone yet.

--

Lenny: Ah, the Scientific Method. Step One: Fuck around. Step Two: Find out. Step Three: Record your results. Step Four: Confirm, or fuck around again.

--

Miles: What are you drinking?

Anne: Tea.

Miles: Oh, really? What kind?

Anne: Tea...quila.

--

Noo-Noo: It's a white flag and you might as well start waving it, Laa-Laa-

Laa-Laa: The only thing i'll be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!

Dipsy: ...Good Lord.

--

Guardian: While you’re up, could you get me a bottled water please?

Lenny: Sure.

Gary: Wait, Lenny, you’re going to the kitchen? Can you make me some pancakes real quick?

Lenny: I’m not making YOU pancakes.

Guardian: Pancakes? Yeah, I’d love some pancakes.

Lenny: *annoyed sigh*

--

Anne, drunk crying at 3 am: When I drink alcohol, everyone says I'm an alcoholic. But when I drink Fanta, no one says I'm fantastic!

Chapter Text

Miles: EAT DINNER

Anne: I DID

Miles: ALCOHOL AND CEREAL DON'T COUNT