Chapter Text
As he stood there in the doorway, staring at the person opposite him, that fateful day came rushing back to him. Just like it had been yesterday. But it hadn’t, he forced himself to remember. It had been years, so many years. And what an odd day it had been. Considering how their days had been back then in general, that was saying something.
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9:38 Dragon
“Do me a favour?” She smiled sweetly at him. He never could say outright ‘no’ to her when she did that. It was why he’d always preferred their arguments. Especially since the sweetest smiles were never for him, but that damned mage. Why did it have to be a mage? But even more so, why did it have to be him? It just wasn’t fair. He’d thought that many a time, had wished he could hate her for what she was. He had disliked her in the beginning based on the lyrium that sang in her veins alongside the blood. How he wished it had remained so. Sometimes he even wished Anso had found him someone else so that he never would’ve met her. But those were foolish thoughts. She’d also aided him, given him unquestioning friendship despite his harsh feelings regarding mages, given him so much… Maybe she’d even given enough to make up for not being able to return his feelings. She had never even known about them though. He hadn’t had the heart to tell her because her heart’s intent had been clear early on. He couldn’t say anything and wasn’t sure if it was more for his or her sake. That stupid abomination.
“W… what is it, Hawke?” Fenris looked away as he spoke, knowing he would regret allowing her to elaborate. He should just force himself to say no, or at least force an attempt. It was better for his mental health, maybe even his physical health. If she ever had grown any wiser to his unwillingness to meet her eyes, as often was the case nowadays, she never said, never even hinted at knowing the reason. Maker, she couldn’t be that thick. She was one of the brightest, kindest and most loyal humans he knew. Some small, selfish, part of him wanted her to know, wanted her to feel bad for the pain she caused by not returning his feelings. Love is blind and cruel, he’d gotten that much from the tragic love stories he’d read over the years after she taught him how.
“Kirkwall is safe for now. There doesn’t seem to be any further immediate threat on the horizon,” she said and the wistful sound in her voice made him look at her. She was gazing out the tall windows in the library. Physically, she stood in front of him, but mentally she was far away. She looked lost in a daydream… She came back to herself a few heartbeats later and turned her head back to him, smiling embarrassed. “Sorry, got a bit lost for a moment there,” she apologised while rubbing the back of her head.
Fenris shook his head. “It’s not a problem.” Cordial always did work for him. It was also something he hated to resort to with her because it meant he would need to leave soon or else his heart would begin to hurt. He disliked visiting her house even more after that mage had taken up residence here.
She didn’t say anything but he could see it in her eyes; she thought it sweet of him to indulge her and cut her so much slack. If only she knew the reason why… He felt the internal sigh his heart seemed to release. This had to be cut short very soon.
“I feel bad, but I need to ask a favour of you. Only you can do it because only you would truly understand why and what’s needed.” Something small but sharp stabbed at his heart. Something only he could do… Why did she have to word it in such a way? He wondered, like a few other times, if ripping out his own heart with his metal adorned, lyrium-infused fist would hurt less than the pain she could unconsciously bring him.
“Just tell me what it is you need,” he stated a bit too harshly. Fortunately, she only seemed embarrassed by her own babbling. Then again, she had never been one to scare easily. It didn’t make him any happier with the tone he’d taken though. “Sorry,” he mumbled but she waved it away. She was too giving, too patient.
“We can’t stay here forever.” The words hit him like a ton of bricks. He should have seen them coming. He wanted to be illogical and have his heart swell with pleasure about them leaving the ruined city but at the same time, he knew… She was leaving but for some reason she wasn’t about to ask him to tag along, which meant that the “we” stood for her and Anders. Fenris wasn’t sure he had words for how much he despised the man anymore. He must have used up all of them, despite his growing vocabulary thanks to reading.
“In the end, People will notice that Anders is here. I can’t risk that.” She had continued without pause. How he wished he could just get rid of the mage but it would break Hawke’s heart and that was one pain he could not survive; seeing her broken-hearted.
“What is it you need?” he bit out a bit too curtly. Hawke actually looked apologetic without a lick of embarrassment this time. She could tell his patience was waning.
“Orana, she… I can’t just leave her here alone,” she replied with a sigh. “I took her on but she’s still far from able to just go out into the world and live. I need… I would ask that you look after her after I leave.” That gave him so great a pause that he actually looked at her again. Somewhere in all her babbling and his brooding, he’d turned his head to stare at the big hearth behind her with its blazing heart. “I’m making her steward of my— of the Amell properties and titles. I don’t want to leave her here but I can’t guarantee it won’t be worse out on the road. It’s not exactly like we have a destination in mind,” she explained with a helpless shrug. “And I can’t just up and leave this heritage that I fought so hard to return to my mother, that she, too, fought hard to reclaim. I know there’s always Gamlen and Charade but… I can’t just abandon Orana and Charade isn’t always here and Gamlen, well, you know how he is. I don’t know if he’d lose the fortune and lands once again. I want to see Orana safe but she won’t be able to run this on her own. She needs someone who can keep her head level and not fall into bad deals. I can’t dump all of this on Varric either, he has so many to look after on his own and I don’t know who else I would trust to do it. Aveline is always reliable, of course, but she has other duties and her own family to take care of.” She was babbling again but her heart was in the right place. Fenris heaved another sigh.
“You’re right,” he replied quietly. She was right but it shouldn’t be him she turned to. Anyone but him. He didn’t have a reason to remain here after she left. She’d helped him gain his freedom –she refused to see it as her saving him– but after that he had nothing left. He’d been lost and she had helped him gain a new foothold. And now? Now she was leaving and he still wasn’t sure what he was going to do with his life. Kirkwall was a mess but it would rise again, he was sure of that. Varric would make sure of it if nothing else. That man was resourceful. Did it need him, the city? Maybe, but it didn’t feel like he would get involved unless it was because she came and asked him or dragged him out. Then again, this was a reason to stay, something to do, right?
“Orana also needs someone to teach her about the world, that it can be mean unless you show you won’t be fooled or an easy target and—What?” Her babbling suddenly quieted as she realised what he’d said.
“You’re right,” he repeated even though he was sure she had heard him the first time. She blinked huge eyes at him for a heartbeat before her whole face lit up.
“You’ll help?” she asked almost breathlessly.
How he hated that face; it was like a death sentence to him. He could never say no when that light filled her eyes and her smile grew until it was all he could concentrate on. Maker, she was beautiful when she had that look. The pain lancing through his heart brought him down to earth again. He nodded. “Yes, that’s what I said.” It was what he’d meant but it was all the same. She understood and she wasn’t picking at his grammar at any other time than during writing practice. Even then she did it out of love, or so she said.
“Thank you!” Fenris choked upon his next breath as he was suddenly crushed in a surprisingly bruising hug. He allowed himself the rare treat of returning the hug if a bit awkwardly. It lasted a blissful five seconds before Hawke moved back again to a polite but friendly distance. “I’ll make the necessary arrangements and inform Orana. I know you’re not too far away but don’t wait for her to come to you, okay? Please? I fear she’s still too timid to dare make many, or any, requests. I’m also sure there won’t be even one day that she wouldn’t have use of you for one reason or another. I know Bodahn is there but he has to look after Sandal, too, and that man isn’t getting any younger. Sandal has always been a handful, as I’m sure you can guess.” She had a weakness for babbling but her beaming smile made up for it. She was still holding onto one of his hands with both of hers, too. It made him smile slightly.
For her gratitude and smile, he could do her this favour. He’d survive the time apart. He’d survived being near her and watching her and the abomination grow closer, hadn’t he? He gave a nod as he watched their joined hands. Yes, he could try. For her sake. At the light squeeze to his hand, he looked up and met her warm, smiling gaze again.
“You don’t know what this means to me.” It was so genuine and warm, but oddly enough, it didn’t hurt his heart this time. “I’m so glad to have had you by my side and able to count upon you, despite everything and me being a mage. I’ll try to be back soon, I promise, but I need to be sure Anders is safe or… or until the blight takes him,” she finished with a brave smile but there was something there in her eyes. She knew… She knew it could just as well be the one the mage called Justice, or Vengeance, that ate the man up from inside out. Abominations…
Fenris refrained from snorting in disgust. She didn’t need that. He would never let her down, never turn his back on her, never fail her no matter what she needed and never bow to spirits and demons or whatever else came out of the Fade. He would be her spiritual fortress and hold down the physical one in her absence.
“You never needed to worry for my reply,” he told her simply. Hawke nodded. She knew, on some level she knew how he felt. It felt surprisingly good to know that, not painful as he’d assumed it would. It was a relief.