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Rin was alone.
It was a hard truth to accept.
With the old man gone, there wasn't anyone around that would protect him anymore.
Yukio was right, his words had been haunting him ever since he'd said them. Rin should be dead. He should've died in Father's place that night. He should've let Satan take him away.
It hurt more than he'd ever admit, realizing nobody would've missed him.
The old man would be a little sad, he imagined, but Yukio was always his favorite. Yukio wasn't tarnished. He was fully human. Rin could've never given him that. He was only a project for the priest, a weapon to mold and hold onto until it was ready to be used.
He was Satan's kid front to back: everywhere he went, destruction followed him.
Rin never got good things. They never lasted. They never would.
Every exorcist out there was shaking in their boots waiting for the opportunity to kill him. The Vatican raised the gun to his head every chance they got, just like Yukio did.
He wished his brother had pulled the trigger that day, when Rin told him to do so. His begging for death never being mentioned again probably hurt more than that bullet would've.
Rin sat on the roof of his dorm, hugging his legs and staring at the sky. Their trip to Kyoto had been eye-opening, sure, now he wasn't so afraid of using his fire anymore. It still didn't take away the thought that everything would be better if he were dead.
All it took for the people he thought as friends to turn their backs on him was him saving them. Amaimon had Shiemi and all he wanted to do that day was to save her. He never chose to be Satan's son. He never chose to be born.
Fuck, he knew the Blue Night had fucked over Bon, Konekomaru and Shima's families, he knew it wasn't nice to find out the kid of the worst being ever was in your class, but he thought they were friends. Rin'd never done anything to them, still hadn't and never would.
How could they trust Yukio so easily as they turned their backs to him?
Rin was unlovable. Maybe it came with being a demon. Maybe his human half made it too easy for him to trust and love others, while he still appeared threatening to them. Maybe it was all instincts.
He didn't even notice the cold tears getting all over his legs until Kuro appeared before him.
'Are you okay, Rin?'
Rin wanted to die. He wanted to be gone, away from all the hate, away from all the hurt, away from all his feelings and the knowing he would die soon, by someone else's hands.
They wanted so bad to kill him that he wanted to just let them already. Even though his class seemed to be on good terms with him now, he knew it wouldn't last, it never did.
Defeating the Impure King had been a matter of saving others, because if it'd only meant saving his neck from the Vatican, he would've been dead by now.
And wouldn't that be nice.
He wondered what would happen to his soul once he died. Would it still wander around in Assiah? Would it be sent to Gehenna? Is that where his soul came from, in the first place? Maybe that was why it was so hard to love him.
'Rin???'
He raised his head and tried to smile, even though his face was probably horrible from all the crying. “I'm alright, Kuro. I just needed to be alone for a bit,” he tried.
The demon cat didn't take his word for it, though, jumping onto his chest and curling up on him.
It made a sob make its way out of his throat. He couldn't hold it back anymore, the thought that Kuro was the only one who'd miss him if he was gone made him wail like a kid once again.
He didn't even care if Yukio got home early and heard him, didn't care if anyone walked by and saw him, didn't care about anything up at that point.
Rin sobbed and wailed as he held Kuro, his cries shaking and hurting his chest, his hands trembling as the cat mewled with him. Everything was too much, it felt like the weight of the world was on his shoulders and his stomach hurt with anguish.
He was desperate, he realized.
He was desperate for someone to see him, to help him, to save him.
Rin was tired of being alone. He hated being lonely. He hated yearning for a hand to hold, a chest to bury his face in, a voice to tell him it would all be okay.
For a moment, he missed his mother.
Even though he'd never met her, didn't even know who she was, he wished she could be with him. Even though he never learned what it meant to be loved by a mother, he wished she could hold him.
Maybe he'd get to meet her when he was finally dead.
Maybe he'd suffer for all eternity, as punishment for being Satan's son.
Rin was tired. Whatever it was, he just wanted it to end.