Chapter Text
“Go on then. Just pretend I'm Charlie,” Christian tells me, then dramatically swoons, bringing his hand to his forehead like a Victorian maiden. “Woo me, Nicholas.”
We're in his room and we're meant to be revising for GCSEs but my mates, Christian, Sai, and Otis, all started taking the piss when they caught me scrolling on Charlie’s Insta… again.
My condition is hopeless, the prognosis is grim. I think I’ve had a crush on Charlie Spring since before I even met him… before I even knew that I could have a crush on a boy. I mean, I always thought he was so cool and brave when I would hear stories about how Charlie stood up to his bullies after being outed… that was back when I thought I was just an ally. Then, I went to a Truham-Higgs joint concert because Otis wanted to go see some girl that he liked and asked me if I would go with him.
I had no idea when I said “yes” to Otis that my life would change that night.
That was the first time I got a good look at Charlie Spring. His back straight, a confident gaze in his eyes as he pounded out a beat on the drums and made the rest of the band sound like tone deaf toddlers in comparison. His thin, nimble fingers handled the drum sticks with ease. His curls fell into his face and he pushed them aside, but never missed a beat. Even from where I was sitting, I could see the fire burning in his deep sea eyes. I was entranced. For about a week, I almost convinced myself that maybe I just really wanted to try drumming, even though I’ve never had any musical ability. But then the dreams started… Every night I dreamt of Charlie Spring. In some of the dreams, he wasn’t even drumming… but always his whirlpool blue eyes were staring right into my soul.
That was about a year ago. After that I went through a proper full-on gay crisis, did a whole lot of Googling and watching YouTube videos… and other videos. I had an enlightening rewatch of Pirates of the Caribbean. I settled on bisexual as a label. I even came out to my mum… she was amazing about it, as expected. Then, I finally punched Harry Greene in his stupid face because he kept saying homophobic shit about Charlie in front of me during rugby… I got in-school suspension for fighting. Mum was less happy about that, although she was more understanding when I explained the reason. And Coach Singh convinced Headmaster Barnes to go easy on me because she heard what Harry said, and turns out Coach Singh is married to a woman! Harry got suspended for several days and he never says shit about Charlie around me anymore. So yeah… a lot has happened this year. But I've yet to actually make a move on Charlie.
Apparently, my mates think they can help me practise asking Charlie out through some sort of strange roleplay scenario. I guess I should be happy that they’ve all been my supportive straight friends ever since I came out to them as bi, but sometimes I wish they were just a tad less supportive.
“Um, no offence mate.” I say to Christian. “But you look nothing like Charlie.”
“None taken,” he replies quickly, then his brow furrows. “Wait… should I take offence to that?”
Otis laughs. “It's alright mate,” he says, clapping Christian on the shoulder and then throwing me a smirk. “We can't all have silky raven curls, the world's most adorable dimples, and dazzling blue eyes.”
Um, is that supposed to be an imitation of me?
“I never said that…” I feel my face heating up. “Did I?”
“You definitely did,” Sai says matter-of-factly. “And frankly we're tired of hearing you pine over Charlie Spring while doing exactly nothing about it. Just talk to the man, already!”
I cross my arms and pout, I almost stick my tongue out but decide that would be a bit too juvenile.
I have actually talked to Charlie to be clear. We talk a lot, in fact. Every day, twice a day in our form. By some miracle, our school decided to switch to vertical forms after the half-term. So I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to sit next to Charlie Spring every day since January. And I've learned so much about him… which has only made my crush on him that much more pathetic. I keep thinking that I’ll find a normal, casual way to invite him round my house or maybe to the milkshake cafe that opened up near us… but every time I try, he shines those unbelievable eyes at me and I clam up and change the subject to something safer. Now the term's nearly coming to an end and I’m no closer to confessing my feelings.
And to make matters worse, I’ve barely seen him all week because I’ve had to go to GCSE study hall instead of form. And I still have another week of this torture!
I sigh and go to scroll through Charlie’s Insta again when suddenly Sai snatches the phone out of my hand.
“Give it back!” I yelp.
“Not until you promise to at least try telling him how you feel.”
I gulp. “But… It's scary. What if he doesn’t feel the same way? Or what if he’s already dating someone?”
Otis sighs. “I know you said no last time, but I could still ask Tao if Charlie's single… if you want?”
I shake my head as my eyes grow wide. Otis asking around for me is just going to raise suspicions. The thought of telling Charlie how I feel is nerve-racking enough… but the possibility of Tao knowing is infinitely scarier. Tao Xu is Charlie’s best friend and he’s kind of terrifying. He already gives me evils in the mornings when I smile or wave at Charlie. I don’t think he likes me very much. I guess he probably thinks I’m like some of the other rugby lads who bullied Charlie. I’ve seen Tao verbally demolish Harry for making fun of Charlie, and let’s just say you definitely don’t want to get on Tao’s bad side. I’m glad Charlie has him as a friend. I used to think that maybe they were more than friends, but apparently Tao’s dating this girl named Elle now. PHEW!
“Why not just slide in his DMs?” Sai asks me. I watch him tap on my phone and my breath hitches.
I manage to reach forward and snatch it back from him before he can text something mortifying.
He laughs. “Geez, I was kidding… I wasn’t actually typing anything.”
I look down at the screen at Charlie’s picture with a sigh of relief, then I growl at Sai. “What if you had accidentally double-tapped on a photo or clicked on his story?”
“Oh, what a travesty that would’ve been,” Sai deadpans. “Then he might have followed you or sent you a message.”
“OR he would’ve thought it was weird or creepy,” I counter.
“Unlike staring at his pictures all day, yeah that’s significantly less creepy.” Otis says, rolling his eyes.
I groan and let my head fall back on the edge of Christian’s bed. “Ugh, I am a creep, aren’t I?”
“NO!” Christian responds quickly and then looks to our other two mates who share a look with each other like they don’t exactly disagree with my assertion.
“You’re not a creep,” Otis says with a sigh. “Your crush on him is just a bit intense.”
“And there’s nothing wrong with that!” Sai adds. “But you’ve built it up so much in your head that you won’t make a move because you’re constantly overthinking it.”
I can’t argue with that.
“So what should I do?” I ask and feel my lower lip jutting out.
“ASK. HIM. OUT!” Otis exclaims.
I nod. They’re right, I need to just go for it or I might spend the rest of my life regretting it. “Okay… I’m going to do it.”
“YES LAD!” They rejoice.
“But I’m not going to slide in his DMs,” I say, scrunching my nose. “It has to be in person.”
Maybe I’m weird for thinking this way but I feel like Charlie deserves a guy who will ask him out to his face— his very pretty, totally-not-at-all intimidating face.
“I think that’s a great idea,” Otis says, with a smile. “So what are you going to say?”
I think of all the times I’ve wanted to ask Charlie out in the past, and how every single time I’ve completely blanked on my words when I looked into his eyes. Perhaps it will help if I rehearse my words beforehand and get some feedback.
I can’t believe I’m actually about to do this but I sigh and say, “Alright Christian, pretend to be Charlie for me, please.”
Christian beams as if he’s been cast in the role of a lifetime. Otis and Sai perk up and look at me expectantly.
I take a deep breath and imagine that it's Charlie in front of me. It’s actually easier than I thought to visualise him, my friends fade away and my vision blurs as if there’s a fantasy filter on. And there’s Charlie, with a small smile, waiting for me to begin talking.
“So, um, I had something I wanted to ask you.” I can almost see Charlie blinking up at me from those lovely long lashes of his, I clear my throat and let my heart speak. “Charlie… I wanted to tell you that I'm bi, actually. And… I'm in love with you. Do you want to go out with me? I want to be with you forever.”
I picture Charlie’s smile growing wider, his dimples deepening as he says, “YES! Nick, I’m in lo—”
“Uh, how about we try that again but with a little less… that?” Otis says, breaking me out of my delusion, the bubble of bliss popping unceremoniously.
“Oh. Was it bad?” I ask, sheepishly.
“NO!” Christian says at the same time that Sai says, “kind of.”
I feel my face grow hot and groan, trying to hide my embarrassment with my hands. “I’m a disaster,” I say.
“It wasn’t awful,” Otis says. “Some of it was good. Let’s just tone it down a bit, you don’t want to scare him off.”
I nod, but keep my face covered. Otis is right… Now I’m really glad I decided to practise. As embarrassing as it was to say that out loud in front of my friends, I’m just grateful I didn’t make a fool of myself by declaring my undying love to Charlie when we’ve never been on a date or even hung out outside of school.
Sai hums for a moment and then says, “how about if you just say I’m bi. And I like you. Do you want to go out with me?”
Otis nods in approval and I mull it over in my brain. Yeah, it seems so simple once Sai puts it like that. I repeat the words out loud a few times, practising how I would say it to Charlie before my friends convince me that I’m ready… or they’re tired of hearing me say the same thing over and over again and tired of talking about Charlie. We actually do some revision then and I try to keep my mind off the plan for a while. But when they start talking about the girls they fancy from Higgs, my thoughts naturally drift back to Charlie. I haven’t even noticed any girls lately, or anyone else that isn’t Charlie, to be honest. I repeat the words again in my head: I’m bi. And I like you. Do you want to go out with me?
I decide to find Charlie tomorrow at the time when he’s usually at his locker. I basically have his daily routine memorised, which is not at all concerning. But anyway, the plan is to walk up to him then and say those three simple sentences. It's probably best I won't be seeing him during form thanks to the mandatory GCSE study hall. If I decided to blurt it out during form I might forget I have to whisper, plus neither Charlie nor I would be able to walk away afterwards if he brutally rejects me. We’d just have to sit there in excruciating silence while I try my damndest to disappear into the ether, never to be seen or heard from again.
I have to take that thought out of my mind though. It won't help my nerves at all to ruminate on all the ways he could stomp on my fragile heart. Charlie is a lovely person and even if he doesn't like me in that way, I'm sure he'll be kind about it.
And if he does like me…
Well, I can't let myself get too wrapped up in those fantasies either.
I just need to focus on what I'm going to say and survive the moment.
.
.
.
I'm not going to survive this moment. I made the mistake of telling my mates my plan to meet Charlie at his locker at this time, and they decided to come with me for “moral support.” And to make sure I actually did it and wouldn't chicken out last minute. Probably mostly for that last reason.
A part of me almost hopes that Charlie doesn't show up at his locker, but of course I see those bouncing curls turn the corridor right on cue. He takes my breath away and I don't have a moment to catch it because my so-called-friends are shoving me towards him before I can run away or hide.
“Hi,” I say, startling Charlie and causing him to drop the items in his hand. Smooth, Nelson.
I bend over to help pick up his things and notice his drumsticks in his hand. “You play the drums?” I ask, as if I didn't already know that.
“Yeah,” he says, looking down at his things and then up at me.
You’re so beautiful, so talented, so brave, so fucking hot. “That’s so cool!” I say, gripping tightly to the one hinge I have left.
“Thanks!” There’s a blush on his dimpled cheeks and he looks up at me through his thick lashes, his blue eyes literally sparkle and my brown ones have undoubtedly turned heart-shaped.
I clear my throat and inhale sharply before starting, “I had something I wanted to ask you…”
Charlie’s eyes expand and he stares at me expectantly as my throat goes dry. It suddenly feels several degrees hotter. Did the aircon malfunction? Maybe my brain is overheating because it suddenly starts to shut down. I can’t remember any of the words I’m meant to be saying.
Think, think, think. Oh my god, say something!
“I’M BI!” I blurt out like a certifiable maniac, like I’ve just broken free from my strait-jacket (or straight jacket, haha… wow, literally shut the fuck up me), when my useless brain finally recalls how words work and manages to put together two syllables.
Charlie’s thick brows pinch together and he gives me a bewildered look before saying, “Uh, okay then? See ya.”
“Oh! O-okay, yeah. Umm, see you later, Char.” Then I turn on my heel, my cheeks singed like they’ve been raked over the coals.
I walk away in a daze and keep walking faster, even when I vaguely hear my mates calling after me.
CHAR?!!! I’ve literally never called him that before. Well, at least not out loud.
I run outside to the picnic tables, not even caring that I’ll be in trouble for not going back to study hall. Ugh, what the fuck just happened? That was not at all how I’d planned things to go. Tears of embarrassment sting at my eyes and I push the heels of my palms into them before they can stain my face and make me redder and splotchier than I already am.
Welp, I’ve fucked it. I didn’t even manage to ask him out, did I? Honestly, I feel like I may have blacked out during parts of that conversation. But as I try my best to go over it in my head, all I can remember is telling him that I’m bi and Charlie basically telling me to get out of his face.
Maybe he realised I was gearing to ask him out and didn’t have the time or patience to wait for me to finally get the words out just so he could reject me.
Maybe he’s biphobic, I tell myself, trying my damndest to vanquish this one-sided crush. But I don’t actually believe that.
Maybe he found a boyfriend in the time that I’ve wasted being too chicken-shit to ask him out. And he’s probably better looking than me and out about his sexuality and doesn’t turn to a stuttering mess whenever Charlie’s in his presence.
“There you are!” Otis’s voice rings out, and I look up to see my friends and scrub at a tear that escapes.
“C’mon, mate,” Sai adds. “Let’s get back before Mr. Farouk castrates all of us.”
Christian gives me a sympathetic smile and I’m glad none of them ask how it went with Charlie. Maybe they heard everything or maybe they just pieced it together given the fact that I’m not currently jumping for joy and asking them for ideas on the perfect first date.
We arrive late to study hall. Thankfully, the universe has some mercy on me because Mr. Farouk is texting while grinning at his phone. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that man grin before. But it means he’s not paying any attention to who just walked in late. And when I sit and put my head down for a minute while I try to gather my thoughts about how royally I’ve fucked things up, no one bothers me.