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The thing about Trauma is it doesn’t follow any set path for anyone. Sure there’s the initial Event, then the expected Grief, or Depression, or Anxiety, maybe some Triggers for some PTSD, but not everyone gets Everything, and for some it’s quick, and for some it’s forever.
Kate had spent the last five years in New York after The Storm expecting to wake up screaming from nightmares, or hiding in her closet with a panic attack during a thunderstorm. Mourning the loss of her one true love forever, never to find solace in the arms of another again. Maybe it was too many Nora Roberts novels, or True Crime podcasts.
Or maybe it was all the therapy that staved off the Hollywood Break Down.
Don’t get her wrong, there was the first night home from the hospital, where she’d laid on her mom’s couch listening to the cows, wondering how good it might feel to just upend the whole bottle of Vicodin down her throat. Cathy had hidden the pills after seeing her face and spent the first week sleeping in the recliner next to her since the doctor had told Kate to stay off her leg until the stitches stopped swelling.
Or there was the little issue of her packing up everything in her car the morning after the stitches were out, calling Dr. Harding to robotically announce she was dropping out of her PhD, and driving off to Manhattan with no plan other than crashing on her cousin’s futon until she found a job.
Instead of the Hollywood Break Down, she’d wake up crying silently after dreaming about Jeb and watch The Office until she passed out again, or break up with a fling because he had a thing about being the little spoon. On a Tuesday in year 4 she found herself staring at the all-natural gummy bears at Whole Foods wondering if Addy had ever tried them and ultimately buying them with the intent of bringing the bag to the cemetery next time she went home to Sapulpa. Only to never go home because she realized that she doesn’t even know where Addy is buried. Or if she even was. She wasn’t welcome at the service.
Javi had texted and called the first year. She didn’t ghost him exactly, but it finally dwindled down to just a “HBD” on her birthday by year 3.
By year 5 she was feeling Pretty Good. The talk therapy was helpful, and the pharmacological therapy was very helpful.
And yeah there was the little moment of panic when Javi had her driving headfirst into that EF1 two months ago. But that was expected, it was Normal. And ok she seems to have a thing for throwing herself face first into tornadoes now, like at the rodeo, or El Reno. But she was sure her therapist would tell her she was proud for Kate facing her fears…for being Fine afterwards…while also probably mentioning something about survivors’ guilt and a general lack of concern about death.
But that was Normal. After Trauma.
Kate had gotten good at predicting triggers, especially with having a team to keep track of again. And everyone had been patient and understanding if she accidentally got short with them. Especially Tyler with his unnervingly handsome smile. But now 4 months after that first EF1 with Javi, and 2 months after Tyler helped her load up that UHaul and drive her pathetically small amount of crap from New York to Muskogee, she found herself bent double on the side of 412 between Fort Supply and Woodward about to puke.
Or not puke. She wasn’t really sure what this feeling was, but something had gripped her stomach in a vice and squeezed.
It had started with Tyler calling in their location to Boone on the radio. Tornado season was coming to an end, but she and him had road tripped out to the ass end of the panhandle to pick up another trailer load of polyacrylate for some off-season tests.
“Where you at Cowboy?” Boone’s voice came through the CB. “Cathy wants to know when to put the ribs on the grill.”
There was an end of season camp out on the farm before everyone went their separate ways for a couple months.
The CB buzzed as Tyler took his hand off where it was resting on Kate’s thigh and picked up the mic.
“Just passed mile marker 77 on 412, will need gas at some point, but otherwise we’ll drive straight through.” He threw Kate what she now thought of as his “Youtube Smile”.
“Cathy making ribs for little old me?” He sent into the CB.
Kate looked back at him and smiled, but she wasn’t sure why. Because suddenly all she could focus on was the fact that her hands were feeling kind of shaky and there was this buzzing in her brain that she couldn’t quite place.
“Cathy says ribs are just for Dex unless you show up with cool whip like you promised.” Boone responded.
Kate turned and leaned her head against the glass of the window. Her stomach was weird, she rarely got car sick but the glass was warm and she was suddenly sweaty and why were her hands still shaking? There was a fluttering in her chest she couldn’t place and…
The CB chirped on the dash. Tyler said something into it but she missed it because suddenly she was sure she was going to hurl and she began to frantically paw at the truck’s door handle.
“Pull over, pull over, I’m gonna…” She began. A shadow passed over the truck as she turned her head to Tyler.
“Ok, ok, yeah, I got it.” And he was looking at her like she was crazy, but she wasn’t crazy, that gas station roller dog 2 hours ago was just starting to fight back and if she didn’t get out of this truck right now she was going to make a mess of the truck and whatever feelings Tyler might possibly have for her.
And that’s where she was now, bent double, wishing she would puke just to get this feeling to go. She stood up straight and turned to Tyler, looking unfairly debonair leaning against the truck in the July heat.
“You good cowgirl? I told ya girls just don’t have the stomach for a gas station roller dog. That dog had been rolling for…”
The buzzing in her brain was back and her eyes skidded past him to the overpass a quarter mile behind them before finally landing on the three small white crosses visible at the base of the concrete pylon.
Her hands were freezing and her teeth were chattering but she wasn’t sure she could stop it. Just like she couldn’t stop her feet from crossing the asphalt and walking in the dust. Something lizard like in her brain had looked both ways before crossing but she had now given in solely to something that was outside her control.
“Kate!” a heavy hand on her shoulder stopped her. Confused she looked up to see Tyler, faded ball cap pulled down against the bright July sun. He looked at her face, then back up behind her at the overpass.
She wasn’t sure how but they were now only 100 feet away.
He looked around again, the only other company the stand of cattle behind the barbed wire next to them.
“Is this…?” He looked at her face, trying to gauge where she was at. Was she crying? She didn’t think so. But her stomach was still clenching and her knees felt more like the jell-o her momma was planning on serving with Cool Whip later than actual muscles and bones.
“Yeah, yeah, ok,” He just said. Like this was fine. Like this was totally Normal. “Just let me walk on the inside, yeah?”.
Kate wasn’t sure she could talk, she had stopped her chattering by clamping her jaw so hard she might just break her teeth instead.
And then as if they teleported, they were standing in front of the three little crosses. Small and bright in the sun, too close to the side of the road. Where anyone who didn’t Know might think there was a horrible wreck.
Against her conscious will her eyes roamed up from the crosses to the overpass. To the shaded ledge where she had sheltered, where Praveen didn't even make it, where she had missed Addy, and where Jeb and her life had been ripped away.
A broad hand came up to rest in between her shoulders.
“Please don’t.” She whispered.
“Yep, ok.” Tyler replied quickly, and the hand disappeared.
She stood and she looked and she walked forward and her fingers scraped and clenched against rough concrete.
“They died here.” Was all she could think. All she could say. “We…I…” her mouth was so dry and her throat was closing and…a navy chest was all she could see now as Tyler enveloped her in a crushing hug.
And he said nothing. Because there was nothing to say. Because this might be Normal, but the reason for it wasn’t ok and it wasn’t fine and so he just held her close and that was all there was to do.
His shirt was rough against her cheek and she could feel her fingers grab and release against the cotton. Flex. Release. Flex. Release.
Time was infinite. It had been 5 years and the limited logical still functional part of her was understanding this was the panic attack she had been avoiding in Manhattan. What her therapist had explained might happen. That medically her brain recognized this area as a place to hide or fight that something Bad had happened and it needed to go before it happened again. But there was nothing to fight. And nowhere to hide except in Tyler. And so she stood like that for infinity until the shaking in her knees quieted and her jaw relaxed and whatever was gripping her stomach had started to let go (though she didn’t think she’d ever be hungry again).
And when more human and less lizard brain thoughts started to return to her all she could think was how much she wanted to unzip Tyler like a sleeping bag and crawl inside his skin and disappear. Because now there was no way to walk away from this overpass without looking at those crosses and the ledge that should have been her coffin. But maybe if he could carry her body and soul away from this place, she could survive the moment.
Tyler seemed to recognize she was coming back into herself. One of the hands on her back was slowly snaking up and down her spine rhythmically.
“We could come back with flowers if you’d like.” He said. He didn’t need a response now, but he let her take the time to remember how to use words.
“I was going to bring…um, I was going to bring….gummy bears, for Addy, but I don’t know where...I was going to bring it to the cemetery.”
Tyler hummed in response. She didn’t think he fully understood.
“I don’t know where they’re buried.” She got out.
“Ok.” He just said. Like it was a problem he could solve. “You want to stay here a bit longer or go back to the truck?” His chin was now heavy on her head and his voice rumbled soothingly in his chest against her cheek. The hand on her back still slowly going up…and down…and up…and down…and finally Kate’s slow brain realized she had matched her breathing to it. Up….and in….down…and out…up…out…in….down…in…
“Truck.” She said softly.
Like she was a doll, or maybe a mannequin, he turned her slowly so the overpass and crosses were behind them. His left hand in her right, he silently walked her like a child up the side of the road, looked both ways, and crossed back to the truck.
Walking her to the passenger side he opened the door, gave her a hand up as she stepped on the running board, and buckled her in. Pausing in the open door, Kate tried hard to hear his thoughts. She didn’t want pity, or concern, or for him to worry.
She was Fine. This just caught her by surprise. This was Normal. If Kate was being honest she never expected to come back to this overpass ever, that her plan to just avoid a major highway in Oklahoma while storm chasing for the next 30 years would totally work out and be super easy. Boone was a good navigator, he would figure it out.
“I’m OK.” She said, her eyes settling on his face. Because she was OK. And it was really important to her for some reason that Tyler knew that.
Tyler gave an easy smile. God he was really stupid handsome. She was fairly certain the butterflies in her stomach now weren’t from the overpass or the suspect roller dog. At least most of the butterflies.
“I know Sapulpa. But…” and he paused for a second, seeming to decide how to say something. Something shifted in his face, the smile was still there but eyes were softer, and Kate couldn’t be sure but she was pretty sure his gaze scanned her entire future before looking out at the cows across the road and then settling back on her.
He started again. “You know it’d be ok if you weren’t, yeah? That I ain’t going nowhere even if you feel like…I dunno…like this is all too much for me.”
“Yeah. I know.” And she smiled right back, because it was true.