Work Text:
You're talking to someone you are desperately in love with. And they don’t love you back. But he is your best friend and for now that is enough. So you grin and joke around like you always do and he hits you like he always does, but you know he doesn’t mean it. You walk home from practice together and bump fists before going to your own respective houses. You wish you could kiss him goodbye instead.
You realize you love him when you're 6. You realize you are in love with him when you're 13, and you realize how different those two things are. You know that you shouldn’t love your best friend this way, so you bury it as far inside yourself as it will go and try to forget. But you can’t, not something like this. Not when you see him every day. Not when every time his skin brushes yours it feels like electricity coursing through your veins. Even the most innocent touches set you on fire.
You decide to date one of the girls in your class that likes you. She’s pretty, you guess, with small dark eyes and long black hair. She laughs at all your stupid jokes and blushes when you hold her hand. You kiss her for the first time after practice one day. It doesn’t feel how you imagined it would. She blushes and smiles though, so you kiss her again and hope it feels better one day.
You stop walking home with Iwa-chan. Instead you go home with your girlfriend. Sometimes you go to her house and do homework, and sometimes that leads to more kissing. It still feels weird, and not quite right, but she likes it so you kiss her anyway. You get used to the empty feeling in your stomach. She tells you she loves you and you feel the air rush out of your lungs. You say it back, but you can’t look her in the eyes. You start practicing later and later after school in order to avoid seeing her.
She breaks up with you two weeks later. Says that you were being too distant, too focused on volleyball. You act sad, but you’re happy. You are so happy that she broke up with you because that meant you didn’t have to break up with her. That meant you could go home with Iwa-chan again.
He hits you on the head and calls you and idiot when you ask if it’s okay for you to walk home with him again. He asks about your girlfriend and you tell him. He says he is sorry, that he knows you really liked her. And you did, but not like that. Not how he thinks. Not how you should have. Before you part to go home he gives you a hug and ruffles your hair. Your heart sings inside your chest.
There’s always a group of girls whispering when you walk by. You smile, and take pictures, and laugh at their jokes, but you still wish Iwa-chan looked at you the way they did. You start dating them, each relationship lasting shorter than the one before it. And each time Iwa-chan is there with a pat on the shoulder, or a ruffle of the hair, or even a hug. You start looking forward to them breaking up with you. Looking forward to the touches Iwa-chan grants you with afterwards. You start trying harder to make the girls last.
Before you know it you are in high school and nothing has changed. You still date girls, get dumped, go back to Iwa-chan. And repeat. But it’s harder now, to pretend. The girls want more than just kissing. More than you can pretend to enjoy.
You’re 16 now, and scared, and still so in love with your best friend. You decide to stop dating the girls. To devote all your time to volleyball. But it’s not enough. It never is. You never are.
Iwa-chan gets his first girlfriend at the end of your first year. She is small, with short hair and a wicked mouth, and she takes his breath away. It’s his turn now to stop walking home with you. The first day it happens you go home and cry for hours. It gets easier each time, but nothing soothes the ache deep in your gut. You hope they break up soon, and you feel horrible because you are. You’re a horrible person who doesn’t deserve someone like Iwa-chan. But you’ll hold on to him as long as you can. Until he realizes the truth. Because you are ugly and selfish and desperate. You curl up on the bathroom floor and try not to throw up.
They’re still dating six months later. He’s 17 now and you’re still 16 and he feels light years away from you. He tells you that he and his girlfriend had sex. His face is bright red and he can’t look at you, which is good because you’re trying not to cry. You congratulate him, ask if it was as good as everyone says. Your voice doesn’t shake and you are proud of that. He says he guesses it was, that he thought you had already had sex. He’s surprised when you tell him you haven’t. You laugh and say you are just waiting for the right person to come along. He doesn’t catch that you didn’t say girl.
You start dating boys from other schools shortly after. It’s nice because they don’t know your friends and you don’t know theirs and you both want to keep it a secret. You kiss them and it feels better than it did with the girls. More natural. So you keep doing it. And it gets easier. You pretend you don’t think about Iwa-chan when they go down on you and they pretend they don’t hear you moaning a name that isn’t theirs.
You start dating girls again when you’re a third year. Your mom has been asking when you would finally get a girlfriend so you did. She’s taller than the other girls you dated, around 170 cm. She’s also strong. Really strong. She could almost beat you at arm wrestling. And you’re friends this time too. You laugh and play video games and watch movies together. And it doesn’t always end with kissing. Sometimes you just do homework. You don’t always need to fill the silence.
Iwa-chan and his girlfriend like her too. You go on a double date for dinner. It’s really nice and you have a lot of fun, like you are just a group of friends. Until you notice Iwa-chan and his girlfriend holding hands under the table. Their ankles hooked together. You and your girlfriend are barely touching. You sling an arm over her shoulder and try to ignore the way Iwa-chan looks at his girlfriend with stars in his eyes. Dinner tastes like sand in your mouth.
Afterwards your girlfriend comes over and you have sex for the first time. With a girl, anyway. It’s different. It’s weird. But you do it anyway to try and forget. You are nothing if not a kind boyfriend, and you make sure she feels as good as you can make her. She comes first, two times, before you finish. And you’re sad. This isn’t how you wanted your life to be. This isn’t how you wanted to be. You feel tears coming out of your eyes and you try to stop them, bury your face in her neck and leave marks. She doesn’t stay long afterwards. You lie on your bed staring at the ceiling for hours with tears running down your face before curling up and sleeping for over 12 hours.
She calls you out on the tears the next day. You tell her you just got emotional. She says that you didn’t say a word or make a sound the whole time. You are used to being quiet. You apologize and tell her you really did enjoy it. She looks doubtful but accepts it anyway. Things are normal for a while.
It’s harder to fake interest in sex than you thought it would be. She notices you avoiding it and asks you if something is wrong. You say no, you’re just really tired from practice lately. She asks if you like someone else. Your mouth says no, but your eyes say yes. She sees it and cries. You hug her and apologize and apologize and apologize. She asks if she knows them. You say yes. She asks if it’s Iwa-chan. You freeze and she knows. You say sorry in to her hair. You tell her you didn’t want to be how you are. That you really did love her, just not how you should have. She says she forgives you. You say that she shouldn’t. She says you can still be friends, and you say that you would love to be. The goodbye is harder than you expected.
You call Iwa-chan and he says he’ll come over. You had dated that girl a long time. You ask him to stay the night and he agrees. You ask if he would sleep in your bed with you. He doesn’t even ask for an explanation, he just crawls in and wraps his arms around your waist. You turn around so your head is in the crook of his neck and cry until you can’t breathe. You cry about him, you cry about you, you cry about everything that led you to this point. You cry because there is nothing else for you to do. He rubs your back until you calm down. He falls asleep before you and you just watch him. You kiss his cheek once, twice, three times. It’s not enough, but it never will be.
Iwa-chan breaks up with his girlfriend a week later. He calls you, but he isn’t crying. They had been dating for almost two years. He asks you to come over and you don’t hesitate for a second.
He’s waiting for you at the door. His parents aren’t home but you go to his room anyway. You both sit on the bed in silence for a moment. You ask if he wants to talk about it. He’s shaking but you pretend you don’t see. He takes a deep breath and says that he does. You wait for him to be ready.
“I broke up with her,” he says and you try not to let the surprise show on your face.
“Why?” you ask.
“Because I wasn’t in love with her,” he whispers and you draw in a quick breath.
“You were dating for so long,” you say. He nods his head.
“I was avoiding something.” You don’t understand. “I, um, was too scared to face it. So I just... didn’t,” he continues. “But I kept thinking... We’re graduating soon, you know? And... I thought, like, I couldn’t keep avoiding it. It’s been years and if anything it’s worse now than it was to begin with.” He pauses. You think, is this it? Does he know about me? About how I feel? Is he going to finally leave me? You fight down the bile in your throat.
“Oh... That makes sense,” you say softly. Your voice quivers and you can’t look him in the eye. He hums in agreement. You sit in silence for a few moments.
“What were you avoiding?” you ask. You hear him take a breath and look over to you. You look straight back. He puts a hand on your thigh and your eyes shoot down to look at it. When he doesn’t move it you look back up.
“I...” he looks down for a second. His ears are red. “I... um. I think that... Well, I know that I’m... in love... with you.” Your heart is beating so fast you think it might burst. You think you might throw up.
“Iwa-chan...” you breathe out.
“I know that it might be weird for you. But I wanted to let you know. And... I didn’t think it was fair to keep lying to my ex.” You nod. Your eyes fill with tears.
“Oh god. Don’t cry. I’m sorry. Forget it. It’s no big deal. I really don’t expect you to—” you shut his mouth with your hand.
“You need to listen to me for a second, I think.” He nods slowly and you let go. “I’ve been in love with you since we were 13 years old, Hajime,” you say. Your voice didn’t shake once. You see his eyes widen in realization.
“I started dating those girls so that I could avoid dealing with it. And... I kind of liked how you would comfort me once we broke up. For those two years I wasn’t dating girls from school I was dating boys from other places. I thought maybe if I tried boys it would be easier. It felt more... pleasant, I guess, but it still wasn’t great. But it was enough to keep me pacified. I really did like this past girlfriend I had though. She was a great friend. But she knew how I felt about you so we ended it. It was the first time I admitted my feelings out loud. And when you stayed with me that night... I kissed your cheek when you were sleeping. I just. I love you so much, and for so long. I’m sorry,” you’re crying now, unashamed. Iwa-chan wipes the tears from your cheek with his thumb.
“I was awake when you did that. Please don’t be sorry. It’s kind of what made me realize that I had to break up with her. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t feel what I did. And I thought, maybe, you could like me back.” His face is bright red and you can’t stop crying. You want to tell him about all the boys and girls and how none of them could compare to what he felt for him. You want to tell him about your first kiss and how wrong it felt. You want to tell him how you think about him every day and how you just being in his presence is enough to make your week.
“Can I... I really want to kiss you right now, Hajime,” you say instead.
“Then do it, Tooru,” he says back. So you do. You kiss him and kiss him and kiss him. It’s warm and wonderful and full of years of love and everything how you imagined your first kiss would be. Every time you break for air you go back immediately. You feel like if you stop now it’ll all disappear. Your hands are all over him. His back, his hair, his face, his arms. And he is doing exactly the same. You are so happy you could die. You finally break apart and lean your foreheads against each other, breathing heavily.
“I love you,” he says, and his voice is hoarse.
“I love you,” you answer back immediately. You press another kiss on his lips.
“I want to date you. I want to be your boyfriend,” he says. You beam and kiss him again.
“I want to be your boyfriend,” you answer.
“Okay,” he laughs.
“Okay,” you laugh back. You’re smiling so wide you think your face might split apart. He is smiling just as big.
You lean back on his bed and lie side by side holding hands. You play with his fingers as you tell him about what he missed. You tell him about when you first realized you were in love and all the times you almost kissed him. He tells you about how jealous he was when you got your first girlfriend and how he would play with your hair when you were sleeping.
You're talking to someone you are desperately in love with. And they love you just as much.