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Flashing lights woke him from the light doze he had finally managed, and he rolled out of bed with a sigh. He had reached a tentative truce with the Doctor's TARDIS, but that didn't mean the ship liked him. In fact, it seemed to delight in being as passive aggressive as possible. He knew that if the Doctor had had as rough of a night as he had, the TARDIS would have let her sleep in, or at least woken her more gently. But he supposed it was nothing he didn't deserve.
His dreams reminded him of that every night. It was why he hadn't been sleeping well, the voices in his head too loud to let him drift off, and when he did, nightmares soon pulled him back to wakefulness. He was lucky that Time Lords needed less sleep than humans, or he would have collapsed several weeks ago.
As it was, he was barely holding onto consciousness, and the chipper voice the Doctor greeted him with as he entered the control room grated on him. He fought to keep his voice level as he replied. She didn't deserve his wrath. None of this was her fault.
It was all his.
Her voice pulled him from his self loathing. "We have nowhere we need to be today. For once." She spun around the console, relaxed in a way he rarely saw her. "A whole day to ourselves. There's some maintenance I need to do on the TARDIS, but that shouldn't take long. As soon as I finish, we can go somewhere fun."
He tried to force a smile at her enthusiasm, although judging by the concerned look she gave him back, it had been less than convincing. "Sounds wonderful. I'll leave you to your repairing. If you need me, I'll be in the library."
Her hand caught his as he turned to leave. The second their skin touched, he slammed down every mental barrier he had, keeping her out of his mind, and she flinched back. "Are you okay?" She asked softly.
"Of course." He tried to make himself sound convincing, and she seemed to fall for it. "I'm just going to go read. Come get me if you need anything." He hurried down the hallway before she could question him further.
The library was his favorite place on her ship. The books seemed almost happy to be read, years spent with the Doctor had resulted in not much use. The Doctor never could sit still for long enough to read much. Although he supposed her last body had been good enough at reading aloud. He had spent long enough listening to her.
He settled himself in his favorite armchair, grabbing the book he had started last night before setting it aside to try to force himself to go to sleep. It was an old book, one he remembered reading as a child back on Gallifrey, and something about the familiar old stories soothed his mind, unwinding him enough that he found his eyes drifting shut on their own.
It hadn't been more than an hour when he woke screaming, the taste of ash on his tongue and his pulse racing. He sat forward, bracing his elbows on his knees as he tried to catch his breath. The book thudded to the floor, the sound loud in the sudden silence.
The Doctor came skidding around the corner a moment later. "Are you okay? I thought I heard..." She trailed off, clearly not seeing what she had expected.
He hesitated a moment, wanting to brush her off, but knowing he couldn’t. This had gone on long enough, and it wasn't getting better. Maybe it was time he let her in. She might not be able to help, but he at least trusted that she wasn't planning to hurt him.
"No." He admitted softly, and she dropped to her knees in front of him, looking up into his face.
"What's wrong? Why didn't you tell me?"
"I couldn't. I wanted to, Doctor, really I did, but the last time I brought them up..." He trailed off, hiding his face in his hands. The last time he had brought up his nightmares had been back on Gallifrey. Bad dreams were not supposed to be something a Time Lord struggled with, and he had been mocked relentlessly until he pretended they had gone away.
She knew what he meant immediately. "You're having nightmares again." It wasn't a question, but he nodded anyways.
"I know I shouldn't. I know it's weak, but I can't help it. There's so much pain, so much sorrow. It never seems to end, not even in my dreams."
"First of all, it is not weak. It's a dream, Master, not some manifestation of who we truly are on the inside. Second, we have seen so much pain, so much suffering and sorrow. So much more than the rest of the Time Lords ever had to face. We cannot judge ourselves by their archaic rules." She reached out and grasped his wrists gently, pulling them down so she could look into his eyes. "Third, asking for help does not make you weak."
He tried to pull away, but she was persistent, forcing him to acknowledge the truth of her words. Reluctantly, he nodded, and her smile nearly blinded him.
"Good. Now, what do you need?"
"I haven't been sleeping. I just need to rest, but every time I try, I see them all again."
"Then I'll stay here with you, and chase them away if they try to come back." She reached up slowly, giving him plenty of time to pull away. He didn't, letting her place her fingers on his temple, feeling the comforting weight of her in his mind. They could connect without the physical contact, of course, but if he was going to be asleep, it was the easiest way to give her access. The knowledge of what she could do, connected to his mind while he slept terrified him, but he pushed the thought resolutely away. This was the Doctor. He trusted her.
Her presence flooded his mind, soft, gentle memories of sunsets they had shared, the peaceful sound of the waves on their favorite beach. The soothing thoughts flowed over him as his eyes drifted shut, and he relaxed into sleep, knowing she was standing guard. She would chase the nightmares away.