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Sam’s gone.
Yesterday, Sam left.
I did not believe it. Not because we never fought, no we did plenty of that. But not once in my wrecked life I imagined us separated. We’ve had our share of separations, the boys holed up in a non-descript hotel room, me tracking and killing the monsters that my sons sadly learned too soon, heck too young, about.
Sammy was always the inquisitive one, never happy with the answers anyone gave him, with the orders I expected him to follow, with my long absences, with the tragedy that took my Mary, I know, his mom too, from us. There was no way I could promise baby Samuel that Angels will guard his sleep as she did, but I became that guardian, making sure Sam and his brother Dean always had their sleep guarded, their strength built, their smart tested, their confidence increased and tried to provide our family with the safe haven that we all relied on. And now he turned his back on me, left all of that behind.
One day, Bobby or one of my boys will find this note, this journal, the summary of my quest, the expressions of the nightmares that consume my life and made theirs a living hell.
I miss you Sam. I can’t say it out loud, I can’t say it to you and I will not say it in front of your brother. He needs my strength, as much as I need his trust. You needed my trust as much as I needed your love. I suppose we don’t always get what we want.
So, I will write here what I can’t say. I understand that my youngest believe that a life with us is a disguised prison, a cell that won’t value his input, a family unit that won’t let him explore his full potential, a life that won’t let Sam fulfill his destiny. Hunting was too small, too restrictive, too one sided for Sam and simply too weird. It is for me too. It even is for Dean. The difference is that Sammy seems to believe in the fact that away from us, he will thrive.
I wish it wouldn’t be true, but I too want to believe. Believe In a life without hunting, in a chance for a house in suburbia, in a better life for him and his brother, in the fact we have to work hard to make it happen, that together we are stronger than one, and won’t let the things that go bump in the night get any of us, even if we won’t believe they’d remember us.
Sammy believes that better souls can meet him out there and make him happy. But happiness is in his heart, in his take of what life throws to him, in his recognition of how much we love him too, and in his awareness that our whole lives revolve around his.
I need a drink, because soon I will also start finding the errs of my ways, rehashing the many actions that pushed my little Sammy away, finding faults every steps of the way, willing to become the man my son wants me to be rather than the one I need to stay.
I must resist the siren call, as my strength is needed for another broken member of this family, as well as for the lifelong purpose our lives have taken.
Today, I've lost Sammy, I won't lose Dean!
Crossposted at my LJ: http://spankedbyspike.livejournal.com/2555.html