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It took just ten days after his return to the Cloud Recesses for Wei Ying to get lost. 'Sometimes, taking a break is definitely necessary' he thought wryly, as he attempted to splash his way out of the cold stream.
It wasn't even his fault this time, not really. Wei Ying had just been wandering around the more lonely paths of the Cloud Recesses, exploring the place at his own leisure. And also avoiding Lan Qiren at the same time of course. The poor man seemed to always oscillate between ignoring Wei Ying's presence or scolding him, bristling with fury, until he looked ready to qi deviate.
It was through these meandering paths at the back hills that Wei Ying stumbled across the cold stream and a gaping hole in the side of the mountain, newly produced after the heavy rains of the past few days. Wei Ying quietly picked his way over to the hole, peering into the pitch black cave that extended beyond, one hand clutching Chenqing where it was tucked into his belt. Even though he was still within the wards of the Cloud Recesses, one could never be too cautious when exploring old abandoned caves.
He stepped into the cave, a small ball of light floating in his outstretched palm, his new Golden core strong enough to sustain the light for much longer than before. He followed the twists and turns, marvelling at the stalagmites and stalactites that grew tall and wide, reaching towards each other. They glimmered in the light, thousands of tiny jewels surrounding him, and it was because of these, that Wei Ying lost his path.
And now, a few hours later, he's stuck in the cave, trying to find the way out. He had wandered into a new passageway a while back, which had suddenly snuffed out his ball of light, and blocked all his powers. It was a black hole of sorts, Wei Ying reckoned. A place that sucked in his powers and blocked them out, draining his energy faster.
Shivering slightly in the cold, Wei Ying pressed forward along the naturally formed passage, as he let his thoughts drift towards the one person he yearned to meet. The one who was always on his mind.
Lan Wangji.
Lan Zhan.
His Lan Zhan. Or so he dared to say only in the safety of his mind. It was too sacred a thought to speak out loud, and Wei Ying was terrified of being proven wrong. Of finding out that he didn't mean as much to Lan Zhan as Lan Zhan meant to him.
Shaking his head slightly to block out his depressing thoughts, Wei Ying wondered instead if Lan Zhan would be searching for him yet. Would he be worried? What was the time now, and how long had Wei Ying been wandering around? Surely someone would come to search for him eventually?
Of course they would, he consoled himself, and continued onwards, coming to an abrupt stop as the passage opened out into a wide cave. A very familiar cave that Lan Zhan and he had once fallen into in their youth.
The magically produced brightness in this cave made Wei Ying feel better already, but what raised his spirits even more was the fact that he finally knew where he was. And he knew how to get back.
But evidently some part of his memories were clearly lacking, because the minute Wei Ying stepped into the water, a sharp pain ran through his body, bringing him instantly to his knees, breathing harshly as he tried to regain his senses. There was a bizarre tingling sensation all over his body, and Wei Ying felt parts of himself had become numb, especially the parts that were submerged under the water.
Wei Ying took a deep breath, standing up once more, shivering violently in his now completely soaked robes, and waited for something else to happen. And when nothing did, he quickly made his way across the lake that had formed in the cave, running out as fast as possible, Lan Clan rules be damned.
It was almost curfew time already, and Lan Zhan would soon be making his way back to the Jingshi after completing his duties as Chief Cultivator. It was the best part of Wei Ying's day, and Wei Ying wanted to be there at home to welcome Lan Zhan, to talk to him for hours on end, and eat the food Lan Zhan would bring, coupled with a bottle of chilli oil only for Wei Ying. And after a while, they would sprawl together side by side - well, Wei Ying would sprawl across the mattress, and Lan Zhan would sit up straight, but relaxed, and - enjoy each other's company, playing music late into the night.
Smiling at the thought, Wei Ying hurried along the path, and soon reached the Jingshi without running into anyone. The wards tingled pleasantly as Wei Ying passed through, and a distant thought in his mind let Wei Ying know that he had never actually felt the wards so acutely before. He brushed it aside and moved around to snatch a warm inner robe to change into.
Wei Ying was behind the changing screen, changing into the pale blue and white inner robe - Lan colours - his mind supplied happily, when he heard the door open, and called out immediately. "Lan Zhan! You're back!"
"Mn." He heard a soft voice answer from across the changing screen, and Wei Ying smiled to himself, warmth spreading through his body in a way that had nothing to do with the fire he had started in the living room, and everything to do with the fact that Lan Zhan was home.
"Lan Zhan! You'll never guess where i went today!" He announced, stepping out from behind the changing screen, tightening his inner robe as he walked out. A sudden intake of breath, almost a gasp, and a quietly muttered 'Wei Ying' however, was enough for him to look up worriedly.
"Lan Zhan? What is it?" Wei Ying asked, reaching out to him, to soothe whatever it was that had made Lan Zhan look so haunted. Lan Zhan took a couple of steps back immediately, pulling away, and Wei Ying let his arm drop limply against his side, trying to hude the hurt he felt at this tiny gesture. That wasn't important now anyway. He'd always known that Lan Zhan was not fond of physical contact, but he'd taken the fact that Lan Zhan allowed him to still crowd up in his personal space for granted. Well, apparently not any more.
The horrified look still hadn't left Lan Zhan's face, and in the dim light, Wei Ying could see Lan Zhan's eyes tearing up slightly, pain evident in his features. Unable to help himself, Wei Ying stepped forward again, and grasped Lan Zhan's hand tightly, startling him out of the daze he'd fallen into.
"Lan Zhan...." He said quietly, and frowned slightly when Lan Zhan flinched at the sound of his voice, staring at Wei Ying as if he'd seen something out of a nightmare. Really, what was happening?
"Lan Zhan, tell me what happened? You're worrying me." Wei Ying begged softly, and when that got no response, grasped Lan Zhan's other hand and tugged it insistently.
"No. Don't." Lan Zhan breathed out quietly, a whisper on the wind, probably not even meant to be heard. But Wei Ying was close enough to hear it, and that one word echoed in him as if it had been screamed out loud.
Forcing a smile on his face, so fake that Lan Zhan would have definitely noticed, Wei Ying stepped back, letting their hands fall apart. Whatever it was that had spooked Lan Zhan, evidently he wasn't willing to discuss it with Wei Ying. And though the thought hurt, Wei Ying had no right to feel that way, did he? After all, at best, he was just Lan Zhan's friend, and at worse... he really didnt want to think about that. At leasnt he was fairly sure Lan Zhan didnt hate him anymore.
"I'll... I'll let you be alone for a while. See you later." Wei Ying said and stepped away. With one last glance at Lan Zhan, who seemed to have unfrozen at last, Wei Ying turned and ran out of the Jingshi, trying desperately to hold his tears at bay. The rejection stung, and Wei Ying could make neither head not tail of what just happened, of why Lan Zhan had shut him out so completely, of why Lan Zhan looked like he was hurting, and yet all that ran through Wei Ying's mind were the steps Lan Zhan took away from him, and the word 'no' echoing in his head over and over again.
***
Wei Ying ran and ran, until he ended up at the Cold Springs again, tripping and falling to his knees beside it. The gravel pressed into his shins, and Wei Ying was sure that his knee was definitely bleeding from the impact, but he felt too disconnected from the situation to bring himself to care about it.
A wry laugh burst out of his throat, which quickly turned into a sob until he managed to stifle it, biting down on his lower lip instead, when he realised that he was wet once more, back beside the same waters he had been so happy to escape from a mere couple of hours ago. When he'd looked forward to eating with Lan Zhan, feeling warm, with a belly full of food, and probably even Emperor's smile, if he'd been lucky. It felt like a dream now, which he had shattered by his own stupid actions, reaching out to take more than what he deserved. Stupid, so stupid. Such a rookie mistake to make. And Wei Ying realised now that he'd been subconsciously considering the Jingshi as his home now, considering Lan Zhan as his. He should have known better.
Wei Ying sat there, halfway into the cold spring, as shivers ran through his body, but couldnt bring himself to care. It didnt matter anymore, did it? And besides it was still a lot better than the Burial Grounds. At least he still had a fledgling golden core. At least the only demons whispering in his mind were his own and not malicious spirits like before.
He had no idea how much time had passed, but he startled into awareness at the sound of his name being called.
"Senior Wei!"
"Senior Wei!"
Two distinct voices echoed in the night air, one louder than the other, bringing a sudden warmth to his chest. He knew those voices, knew that Sizhui was the quieter one, and Jingyi much louder, with no care for the Lan rules, out past curfew searching for him. At least he got to have this, even if he'd have to leave the Cloud Recesses soon. That was what his mind had latched on to as he'd sat there in the cold, staring into the water. He'd been enough of a nuisance already. Time to move on, even though it sounded impossible.
"Senior Wei!" Sizhui's voice sounded just beside his ear, and Wei Ying realised he'd zoned out again. Smiling ruefully, he shook himself out of the daze, and rose to face the juniors.
"Ah what are you juniors doing, running around after curfew? Shouldn't you be asleep like good Lan children?" He asked into the darkness, with a lightness in his voice that he didnt feel. The moon had slipped behind a cloud again, and Wei Ying was glad it had. Easier to hide his emotions that way.
"What are you doing here? And why do you sound different?" Lan Jingyi asked. "Do you know how worried Hanguang-Jun will be?"
"Lan Zhan will be fine, its not even that late." Wei Ying dismissed cheerfully. "Why are you both here?"
"Senior Wei, its already past midnight. A-die had sent us to get you both dinner hours ago, but when we reached the Jingshi, both of you were gone. We found A-die with the rabbits and took him back to the Jingshi, but he looked... upset. Even though he tried to hide it from us, he looked how he had those many years ago, when you were not here.... Forgive this junior for his impudence, but, did you both have a fight?" Sizhui asked worriedly, tone getting more and more worked up as he spoke.
Wei Ying placed a hand on Sizhui's shoulder, calming him down. "No no Sizhui, nothing happened. Listen to me. I'm going back to the Jingshi, okay? I'll look after Lan Zhan. You both need to go to bed now. Come on, hurry before someone catches you breakig curfew."
"You're one to talk," Jingyi muttered, but sounded a lot more relieved. With a small nod from Sizhui that Wei Ying could just barely make out in the darkness, the juniors walked away, and Wei Ying took a deep breath that he could feel all the way to his core, steadying himself, as he made his way back to the Jingshi.
***
By the time he arrived, it was well past midnight, and the Jingshi was dark, Lan Zhan probably asleep. With a small sigh, Wei Ying settled down on the steps, not daring to venture inside just yet, even though he was soaked entirely, chilled to his bones. He vaguely thought that he should have caught a cold by now, roaming around in wet robes on a winter's night, but before he could think about that, a small scream sounded from inside the Jingshi, cut off abruptly.
In a matter of seconds, Wei Ying had run into the Jingshi, all thoughts of propriety and not breaching Lan Zhan's space fleeing from his mind. In a move that he barely registered, Wei Ying lit the lanterns in the Jingshi and looked around. He found Lan Zhan sitting up in bed, hiding his face in the sheets, still in his evening wear, and his hair tied up, almost as if Lan Zhan had just fallen into bed without bothering to get ready.
"Lan Zhan." Wei Ying said, braced for rejection again, but it wasnt like he could do nothing when he saw Lan Zhan like that. Lan Zhan was supposed to be happy. Always.
At the sound of his voice, Lan Zhan's head snapped back up, and Wei Ying felt his breath catch. There were faint tear tracks on Lan Zhan's cheeks, and his eyes glistened in the light with unshed tears. But the most painful was the raw agony on Lan Zhan's face as he gazed at Wei Ying.
"Lan Zhan! What happened? Im here, Lan Zhan, im here." Wei Ying said and rushed over to the bed, reaching out to Lan Zhan once more.
"No. Not real. Its not real again." Lan Zhan murmured, shaking his head, though he brought his hand up as if to touch Wei Ying, hesitating in the last minute.
"It is, Lan Zhan. Im right here. Remember i came back to you? This is real." Wei Ying reassured, grabbing Lan Zhan's hand again, trying to anchor him to the present.
Lan Zhan gazed at their hands in wonder, but still seeming to be in disbelief. "No, Wei Ying came back differently. Wei Ying looks different."
Wei Ying felt his whole body recoil at those words. The hurt bloomed suddenly, making it hard to breathe. He'd always wondered what Lan Zhan thought about the fact that he was in Mo Xuanyu's body, that he no longer looked like himself. He'd convinced himself that Lan Zhan didnt care, because he'd never seemed to care about that when they had been caught up in investigating Nie Mingjue's death, but maybe he did. And it hurt.
Wei Ying tried to pull away again, but the grip on his hand tightened, and Lan Zhan's gaze flitted to his face in a panic, the eye contact bringing Wei Ying to a standstill once more. "Please don't go, Wei Ying. Don't force me to leave you again. Even if its a dream, please stay." Lan Zhan said in a rush, as if he'd been holding back the words all these days, and Wei Ying felt his body sway as the tension left him immediately.
"Okay. Okay I'll be here Lan-er-gongzi. Just, let me change my clothes, and I'll sit right beside you the whole night. You should go back to sleep, Lan Zhan. Its late."
"No! Wei Ying will disappear again if i sleep." Lan Zhan said resolutely. "Wei Ying has always disappeared when i wake up in the morning."
"Ah, Lan Zhan, I'll be right here in the morning as well. Okay give me one minute." Wei Ying said, and quickly made his way behind the changing screen to change into a fresh inner robe, a red one this time. He made his way back, and saw how Lan Zhan stared at him in the lamp light, not even blinking once, the intensity making Wei Ying blush inexplicably.
He bounced back to the bed, and sat beside it, making Lan Zhan frown slightly. "Okay now back to sleep." Wei Ying said. "I'll be right here, but only if you sleep." He insisted, as he saw Lan Zhan open his mouth to argue. Lan Zhan's frown increased, but he obediently lay down, then grabbed Wei Ying's hand in his own, before closing his eyes.
Wei Ying huffed a laugh at the sight, warm now, as he proceeded to sit and stare at Lan Zhan's face all he wanted. He slowly reached out and removed the elaborate headpiece that Lan Zhan had been wearing, the task made all the more difficult by the fact that he had only one hand to work with. But Wei Ying refused to let go of Lan Zhan's other hand, so this would have to do. He gently caressed Lan Zhan's hair, untangling some of the knots, taking care to stay well away from the Gusu Lan ribbon. The evening had been confusing, to put it mildly. All the emotions had drained Wei Ying out, and before he realised, Wei Ying fell asleep beside Lan Zhan's bed, fingers still intertwined.
***
It was the harsh rays of the afternoon sun falling into his face that finally woke him up the next day. Everything hurt as he moved, and with a groan, Wei Ying straightened up and stretched, eyes still closed. It snapped open a few seconds later, as a warm hand reached out and moved his hair out of his face, tucking it behind his ear. Lan Zhan sat in front of him, smiling softly, looking fond but also sad at the same time.
"Why are you sad?" Wei Ying blurted out without thinking.
"This was the best dream i had, Wei Ying. You stayed. But I'll wake up now and you'll be gone." Lan Zhan said softly, still staring at him.
Okay. That was enough.
This was probably a curse. Or maybe Lan Zhan had gone mad.
Frowning, Wei Ying reached out to a pillow that had fallen off the bed and smacked Lan Zhan with it. Hard.
"Im right here, you're not dreaming Lan Zhan! I came back." He snapped.
"But you came back as Mo Xuanyu." Lan Zhan said in a calm voice, rubbing his arm where Wei Ying had smacked him.
"Yes exactly. You already know that. Why are you so surprised every time you see me? You've been like this since yesterday. Is it a curse Lan Zhan?" Wei Ying asked worriedly.
Lan Zhan stared at him for another beat, before abruptly standing up and making his way across the room to the wooden cabinet that held their hair accessories and clothes. Wei Ying gaped at him from his spot on the floor. Had Lan Zhan really gone mad? Or was he drunk again? Was that why he was acting so weird?
Lan Zhan grabbed a thin disk of polished bronze and brought it back to Wei Ying, holding it up in front of him, as he said, "Then how did this happen?"
How did this happen indeed.
Because the face Wei Ying saw reflected on the bronze sheet was not that of Mo Xuanyu. It was his own, the Wei Ying he'd been in his first life, the face he'd carried until his death.
"Uh... i fell into the water in the cave? The one we found Lan-furen in? It was a little painful, but i thought that was just because it was cold." Wei Ying said, touching his cheeks in wonder, and watching his reflection do the same. Oh. Wow.
"Is that why you thought it was a dream? Why you were so shocked when you saw me yesterday? It wasn't because you..." Wei Ying cut himself off before he could complete that sentence and make things difficult between them again. You're just a friend, he tried to remind himself. "Ah, nothing. Well this is a surprise. What do you think Old Man Lan will do when he sees me?"
Lan Zhan saw though his attempt to change the topic immediately. "What did Wei Ying think i meant?" Lan Zhan asked sincerely, and really A-Yuan must have been teaching Lan Zhan how to make a sad puppy face, because Wei Ying suddenly found that he could no longer refuse anything Lan Zhan asked. He buried his face in his hands, so that he did not have to meet Lan Zhan's gaze. It was easier this way to face the rejection that he knew was coming. Again.
"I..." Wei Ying began helplessly, voice muffled by his hands. "I thought you didnt want me here anymore. Especially because i was not exactly me, but looked like Mo Xuanyu and kept invading your personal space."
Wei Ying was met with silence after this confession, and then the sounds of the bed sheets rustling. He stayed where he was, as hot tears fell onto his palms. Lan Zhan had probably walked away quietly, he thought. It was a good thing Wei Ying had already hidden his face away.
A soft touch against his head startled him, but he'd recognise Lan Zhan's touch anywhere. He'd long since learned to imprint every one of his touches in his memory, in a seperate space meant to peruse when he was feeling particularly melancholy.
"Wei Ying." Lan Zhan said softly, attempting to coax him out of his hiding spot so that he could meet Lan Zhan's eyes once more. Ah. Lan Zhan was too honorable to leave him in distress, hiding his face like that. A direct rejection it would be then. Okay.
"Wei Ying." He said again, and sat down on the floor in front of Wei Ying, the other hand coming up to cup his cheek, rubbing away his tears. A small bud of hope began growing in Wei Ying's heart, and he couldn't help but lean slightly into the touch. The hand on his head disappeared, running along his arm instead, heading towards his palm, where Lan Zhan intertwined their fingers and held on tight.
"I thought it was a dream because I've had that dream so many times when you were .... not here. Ive dreamt of you coming back, of us being together, and then i wake up and you're gone. I cant face that again...i can't." Lan Zhan said, choking up slightly at the end.
"But I'm here and we are together, Lan Zhan." Wei Ying said.
"Not in the way i want it." Lan Zhan muttered softly, and before Wei Ying could bring himself to panic about that again, he was tugged forward, falling into Lan Zhan's arms, sprawled across the floor and half way into Lan Zhan's lap. "I told myself i wouldn't say this, i wouldn't force you, but Sizhui made me promise last night when he found me that I need to tell you the truth."
"I love you Wei Ying. I always want you here with me, but only if that's something you want too." Lan Zhan said softly, holding Wei Ying's gaze and then looking away as the tips of his ears turned a bright red. Staring at the floor, he continued, fingers tapping a frenzied rhythm against Wei Ying's wrist, "I know you dont feel the same, but i had to tell you..."
"Shut up." Wei Ying interrupted, and saw how Lan Zhan's face cleared of all emotions, freezing like a stone as a blank mask took its place. Wei Ying leaned forward until their foreheads touched, palms cupping both of Lan Zhan's cheeks to stop him from moving away. "Kiss me." Wei Ying said, attempting to sound demanding, though the nervous tremble in his voice was evident to him and most definitely also to Lan Zhan.
Wei Ying felt Lan Zhan relax against him, felt his lips stretch into a smile, felt his thumb caress a dimple - Lan Zhan had a dimple! How did he never know that? Wei Ying's thoughts ground to an immediate halt at the press of soft lips against his own.
Lan Zhan shifted back to look at Wei Ying, eyes flitting across his face as he took in his features, and then pulled Wei Ying all the way into his lap, kissing him again, desperate and hard, that shifted into something soft halfway through, and Wei Ying felt like he was burning up. He broke the kiss with a gasp, and hid his face against Lan Zhan's neck, as Lan Zhan rubbed his back slowly, other hand wrapped around his waist like he was never going to let go. Which Wei Ying was perfectly on board with.
"Lan Zhan. Lan-er-gongzi. I love you." Wei Ying whispered into his ear, feeling Lan Zhan shudder against him with satisfaction, and placed a soft kiss against Lan Zhan's neck. He was brimming with happiness at the fact that he was allowed to do this now, that Lan Zhan wanted him like this, if the way Lan Zhan's arms tightened around him was any indication.
***
It was only hours later that Wei Ying got a chance to actually discover what it meant to have his old body back. The last few hours had been very distracting after all, what with Lan Zhan cancelling his classes so that they could stay home, talking, confessing and kissing. So much kissing. Wei Ying felt his lips were sore by now, probably as red and bruised as Lan Zhan's looked, and that sent a wave of satisfaction through him. Especially when Lan Zhan moved his head in just the right way and Wei Ying could see the faint bruise he'd left against Lan Zhan's neck.
It was much later, when they had decided to have a bath and freshen up before lunch, that Wei Ying realised his body was well and truly his own, complete with all the scars of the past. And though the scar from the core transfer remained, the empty hollow within him, that constant chill, the reminder of his empty meridians was no longer there. Mo Xuanyu's fledgling core was intact, glowing in him, already slightly stronger than it had been in Mo Xuanyu's body.
As soon as Wei Ying realised that, he came running out from behind the changing screen to tell Lan Zhan, inner robes clinging to his body, hair still dripping wet, and Lan Zhan caught him in his arms, kissing him breathless. And there in the middle of the Jingshi they stood together, Wei Ying soaking Lan Zhan's clothes as well, though neither of them could bring themselves to care, Wei Ying thought happily, Yeah, he could live like this. He was home.