Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Chapter 1

The Doctor tsked in a mix of disapproval and concern as he waved his medical tricorder about Chakotay, eyes glued to the screen in his hand. A few beds down, Chakotay’s newfound, unlikely crew were undergoing a similar treatment from Dr. Noum and other members of Voyager’s medical staff.

“You’re seriously underweight, Captain,” the Doctor told Chakotay a little distractedly as he computed the scan’s results, “and suffering from a number of nutrient deficiencies. Wasn’t there enough food where you were to feed yourself properly?”

“I ate enough,” was Chakotay’s gruff reply.

He didn’t mean to be curt, but he was feeling restless, anxious to get back to his life – to a certain admiral in particular – and eager to put it all behind him. The last thing he wanted right now was a reminder of what he’d endured on Ysida. “I tried to limit my use of the replicator to save power,” he added by way of an explanation. Actually, he’d rationed his replicator portions so that he would have one full meal per month. Every other day had been fish eggs and ion fruit. The reminder trigged an unwelcome, nauseating taste of sulfur in his mouth.

The Doctor’s expression softened. “I see. Well, now that you’re back, see that you diversify your diet. I’ll give you a list of supplements to add to your meals as well. With regular balanced meals and exercise, you should be back to your old self in no time!” He tossed Chakotay a reassuring smile, then returned to his scanning, mood and tone brightening as he moved on. “I have to say, it’s really wonderful to have you back with us again, Chakotay! I understand that you went through quite the adventure returning to us...”

Despite his best intentions, Chakotay found his attention drifting and tuning out the Doctor’s chatter, too much on his mind and in his heart to focus. Could anyone blame him? He was still processing everything that had happened over the last few days. Trying to make sense of it all. Accept that he was here. That he finally had a chance to reclaim his life, his future.

Chakotay’s thoughts inevitably returned to that glorious moment in the transporter room – the joy, the relief, the feel of Kathryn Janeway against him (even for just a few seconds), the amazed, tender look in her eyes. The way they had gotten lost in each other’s gazes, searching, finding. He had heard the Doctor’s voice and the excited ramblings of his newfound young shipmates somewhere behind him, but their voices had sounded far away; every sound but his own maddened heartbeat had, because he was finally – finally – standing in front of her, touching her, smelling her, hearing her breathe softly. After spending so long in the company of the scent-free, digitally perfect holographic version of her, he’d been struck by how...real the woman standing before him was: the color of her eyes that no holographic technology could do justice to, the faint traces of age on her face, the whitened strand of hair that had fallen just slightly out of place, the shine of moisture in her eyes. The warmth coming off her body. The hint of coffee on her breath and of her perfume in the air around her – a unique blend that brought him back over ten years into the past in a blinding flash of longing and memories. All of her so perfectly imperfect. Perfectly real. Perfectly alive. He’d almost chuckled out loud in relief and his eyes had pricked with moisture at the realization: it was really her.

Kathryn Janeway. His Kathryn Janeway.

And while he’d been entranced in taking his fill of her, staring unabashedly, her own expression and smile had been soft as her eyes searched his face too, as though seeking the same kind of confirmation in his features that he was finding in hers, interrupted only when the Doctor had ushered them all to Voyager’s sickbay. 

So the best he could do now was respond to the Doctor’s happy chatter with an absent-minded nod here, a smile there, all the while his mind spinning, his heart soaring, and his muscles aching to move, to do something. Sitting here was torture knowing that it was the only thing keeping him from-

“...iral Janeway never stopped searching for you, you know. She even went against orders to make sure she kept hope alive.”

As though the sound of her name pierced through the rushing tumult of his thoughts and emotions, Chakotay perked up, snapping his attention back to the Doctor. What was that?

The Doc went on, his eyes still on the medical equipment and oblivious to Chakotay’s suddenly rapt attention. “Despite a certain admiral,” he lowered his voice at that, throwing Chakotay a knowing look, “throwing a spanner in the works at every turn, she never surrendered. Never gave in to accusations that her feelings were clouding her judgment. She held on to hope even when it was...hopeless. Putting her trust in our young protégés to bring you back safely when she couldn’t. We were all in along with her, of course. There!” He shut his tricorder with a snap, putting an end to his rambling by the same token, and Chakotay all but jumped at the sound. “You’re all set, Captain. Aside from what I’ve already mentioned, you’re about as healthy as can be, under the circumstances. Make sure to come back tomorrow for your psychological evaluation with Dr. Noum. Until then try to get a good night’s rest. And a good meal.”

Chakotay blinked, then shook himself, his brain still caught up trying to process what the Doctor had disclosed about Kathryn. She never gave up. Never surrendered. Went against orders. Could this be true? Of course they were talking about Kathryn Janeway – her stubbornness and determination to bring her crew home were legendary and had apparently not faded in the least, and yet... The implications of her actions, of her relentless search for him, of what this could mean about her feelings, were momentous, and he found himself struggling to wrap his head (and his heart) around it all.

Belatedly, the Doctor’s dismissal reached his brain and he nodded. “Good. Thank you, Doctor. I’ll make sure to follow your recommendations,” he added absent-mindedly as he pushed himself off the biobed, gave the Doc’s shoulder a pat, and headed for the exit.

Yet, despite the raw hope now burning a hole in his chest, despite the utter relief and the joy of being back where he belonged – and with whom he belonged – it was with a frown on his face that he left sickbay, gaze lowered to the shiny floor, deep in thought.

ooOoo

When the Protostar’s computer detected the captain’s presence onboard, it felt to Janeway like an alarm clock waking her up from a deep sleep. Locating him on the bridge, she materialized next to his captain’s chair in a shimmering of light, and clasped her hands behind her back.

“Well! I didn’t expect you back so soon!” She beamed at him as he made his way past her and toward the main viewscreen. She was eager to hear about his homecoming, his reunion with the admiral, and everything else besides.

Yet he barely seemed to hear her as he made a beeline for one of the consoles and... leaned against it with both hands curled around the edges – staring down at it but not seeing, the only light in the room coming from the soft glow of consoles. After a second, he glanced at her over his shoulder as though he’d just realized she’d spoken, before returning to not looking at the console. “I just came to get a few things.

A little nonplussed by his quiet voice and rather grave demeanor – which coincidentally was a little too reminiscent of his gruff behavior on the island – Janeway stepped closer so she could see his profile. The light from the console created stark shadows on his face in the dimness of the bridge. “Well? How did it go?” She asked eagerly, watching him closely to gauge his mood. “Did you see the admiral?”

Though his preoccupied look didn’t fade, she was relieved to see the corners of his lips quirk up for a brief moment, subtly softening the lines around his eyes. “Eventually. We had a bit of a detour through alternate realities on the way.” He brushed off her quizzical expression with a move of his hand. “A story for another time.”

At that moment Bribble came running into the room excitedly, as though alerted to their presence by the sound of their voices and eager for company. The little creature jumped onto the console next to Chakotay and peered at him expectantly, then at Janeway. Chakotay ruffled Bribble’s spiky hair in greeting, distractedly.

“Well? Tell me! How was it? How was she?” Janeway pressed. Goodness, would she have to force it out of him?

There was that soft, wan smile again. “Just as I remembered,” he replied on a wistful sigh. “Warm. Commanding. Strong.” He let out a huff of a breath, closing his eyes. “Beautiful.” He opened his eyes again, then half turned his head to meet her gaze, his expression a mix of wonder, raw hope, and... a flash of apprehension. It was as though feeling such immense joy and hope was actually painful to him. “And the way she looked at me... There was more than relief in her eyes.”

Okay, that was good, wasn’t it?

“So...what’s the problem?” She asked, more gently, but still deeply puzzled by his behavior. Bribble jumped into her arms and she caught him, distractedly petting him.

After a long beat he inhaled. Let the breath out again. He bowed his head. Inhaled again. “I thought I was ready to face her,” he admitted at last, his voice low and husky with raw emotion. “I really did. Seeing her, getting to hold her in my arms for even just a few seconds, was... incredible. But now, the reality of our situation has really started to sink in and I-” He shook his head in frustration, lost for words.

Janeway’s frown deepened. “What reality is that, exactly?”

“The reality in which I just spent years stranded with nothing by my grief and bitterness to hold on to. After making a series of decisions I’m not particularly proud of. After losing my entire crew. We both know she’ll ask questions, want answers. Answers I’m not sure I can or want to give her right now.”

Janeway sighed, her shoulders sagging in understanding: fear of disappointing those you loved was a powerful thing indeed, but... “Is that it? You did what you did for a reason. You could never disappoint her, Chakotay.”

His head turned sharply in her direction, eyes flashing. “Couldn’t I? The Doctor said she’d never given up hope. That she never stopped searching – went against orders to keep searching. All this time. She’s been looking for me. Hoping against all odds.”

Janeway’s frown deepened again. Had he always been this hard to comprehend? It made it harder to understand human emotions when the subjects were obviously so confused about them themselves, she realized. “I’m not sure I understand. How is that not a good thing?”

“It is. It’s... incredible.” He tensed and straightened to his full height, half turning to face her. “But don’t you see? I gave up!” The words seemed to explode out of him, his voice raw with emotion, his gesture abrupt when he slapped at his chest. “I gave up! How can I face her knowing that she was out there – risking her life and her career to find me while I sabotaged and hated every solution or path that would have brought me back to her? That for the longest time, I hated everything and everyone that reminded me of her, of the life I could never have!”

Janeway couldn’t help it, she flinched. Because this hate he spoke of, it had included her.

In the first several months they had spent marooned on the island, Chakotay had avoided her at all costs, shutting down her program whenever she appeared in his presence unbidden, snapping at her when he had to address her out of necessity. It wasn’t until she brought up his behavior with Adreek that she’d understood why. “Don’t you know?” Adreek had told her gravely as he’d worked on mending a solar collector, his expression pained. “It’s because of who you are. You’re a walking reminder of everything and the one thing he’s never going to have. The one thing – the one person – he’s ever wanted. The one he’s doing all this for.”

Janeway had gasped in understanding. In retrospect, she knew this was the moment her own – very young – program had started expanding. Growing. Learning. “The admiral.”

“He’s trying to mourn a loss that neither of us can truly understand.”

“We have to find a way to leave this island, Commander. For his sake. For all our sake.”

Adreek had sighed, his gaze shifting to the upcoming ion storm on the horizon, lightening flashing across the darkening skies. “I know. I’m working on it.”

Eventually, especially after Adreek left in search of anti-matter and never returned, the captain had come to accept her – or resigned himself to her presence – and in time had learned to see her as her own person, just as she herself had. But the friendship they shared now had not been an easy one.

Now, fueled with newfound understanding and stark determination to ensure her captain and friend didn’t let this chance at happiness slip through his fingers because of fear or some misguided sense of shame, Janeway stepped closer to Chakotay, holding his gaze with enough stubbornness to make her organic alter ego proud. Bribble made a chirping sound in her arms, as though in support.

“You want to feel shame about that? Fine, but if you want to move forward you’ll have to find a way to work through that and learn to live with the weight of your decisions, Captain.” Though her voice was calm, it was his turn to flinch in surprise. “But don’t make this about her,” she added, unsure whether she was entreating or warning him. “And don’t let the past get in the way of both your futures. Because even though we have our differences, I think I know her enough to know that she would see your actions in the same way I do: it took a tremendous amount of courage to do what you did. To trade your life for the Federation. For hers. She’ll understand what your sacrifice was for. And she’ll understand your grief. Maybe better than anyone. In fact I have it on good authority that she would have probably sacrificed herself in a similar way had she been in your scruffy shoes,” she added, letting some wry humor back into her voice.

Something about that last comment caused him to deflate, dipping his shoulders and softening his stance, transforming his expression. He scoffed softly, lips curling ever so slightly at the corners. He pinched the bridge of his nose. “She would have, at that,” he conceded before letting his arms fall to his sides again.

“So tell me: would you have stopped looking for her? Had your positions been reversed?”

He looked up, startled. “No. Never.” No hesitation. Good.

She exhaled, her expression and stance softening. “She’ll understand, Chakotay,” she repeated. “She’ll see your actions as the acts of a man, a captain, desperate to save everyone and everything he holds dear. The acts of an honorable man, not those of a coward.”

He met her gaze warily at that, and at that moment she knew she’d put the finger on the precise thing that had brought him here. He hadn’t used that word specifically, but it had hung in the wake of his outburst.

With the wind out of his sail and some of his fears finally out in the open, he seemed a little bit more at peace when he shifted until he was leaning back against the console, not quite sitting on the edge. When he gazed up at her, there was a hint of his more typical humor in his expression. “You don’t think she’ll see me as a ‘broken old man’?”

She couldn’t help it. She smirked. “Is that how you see yourself?”

His lips curled a little, and his fingers came up to brush against his chin, as if feeling the newly shaved skin. “Not anymore. Not since that crazy bunch came through and turned my life upside down,” he added with a smirk.

Janeway smiled, standing taller in satisfaction. She nudged her head toward Voyager, the gleaming hull still visible out the viewscreen as it flew alongside the Protostar. “Well then. Stop wasting your time with me and go to her. Everything that’s happened since that crazy bunch showed up has been about taking one leap of faith after the next. I think it’s time you take the final one. No one deserves that second chance at happiness more than you do, Captain. Both of you.”

He nodded slowly, accepting the truth of her words, then pushed himself off the console. “Okay. No time like the present, right?” She smiled fondly when he tugged on the hem of his fresh uniform jacket and squared his shoulders.

He’d taken a few steps across the bridge when she cleared her throat. “Aren’t you forgetting something?” She asked his back, arching an eyebrow.

He stopped, turned on his heels, and with a hint of a crooked smile, doubled back to step right up to her. Wordlessly, he took Bribble from her arms. She made a face –Rok would be happy to reunite with the little creature, of course, but that wasn’t what she-

He smiled at her expression, a genuine, heartfelt smile this time. “Thank you, Janeway. Who needs a counseling session with Dr. Noum when you have an Emergency Training Hologram?” His expression turned more serious. “Really. Thank you. No matter what happens over there, I owe you one. Actually, I probably owe you a lot more than one.”

She slanted her lips in response, arching an eyebrow wryly. “Bah. Who’s counting.”

ooOoo

Chapter Text

Kathryn had her eyes on her PADD and a cup of coffee in her hand as she stepped into her ready room. Based on what her officers in training had told her, it was a miracle that the latest ship diagnostic showed absolutely no trace of the strange crack in the fabric of time they had witnessed before. In fact-

She came to an abrupt halt when she lifted her gaze and found someone standing in her office. Chakotay! He stood with his back to her looking at the items on her shelf, clad in a fresh uniform and hands clasped behind his back.

Her heart leapt then raced in her chest at the sight of him, and she was totally unprepared for the rush of emotion that assaulted her. He was really here. She’d gotten him back. Would she ever get over the wonder of it all?

She didn’t even try to contain her full-blown smile as she approached him. “There you are! I’ve been looking all over for you! Where have you been?”

He startled a little at her sudden appearance behind him, but his expression brightened when he shifted to look at her over his shoulder. He smiled, his eyes following her movements as she came to stand next to him. “There was something I needed to take care of on the Protostar. But, I’m here now.” Though he was smiling softly, there was something about the way he spoke the last part, a grave quality that matched the poised, almost solemn way he stood.

Still smiling, she leaned forward to meet his eyes earnestly. “Yes. You are. I still can hardly believe it!” She added softly, a chuckle in her voice. Both her hands were busy with the PADD and the coffee, otherwise she wouldn’t have been able to resist touching him, if only to make sure.

He huffed out an amazed breath, and his gaze was earnest when it met hers. “Me neither. But I think it’s finally started to sink in.”

She let herself linger in that warm gaze for a moment longer. “Would you like it back?” She asked with a nudge of her chin toward item he had been looking at when she’d come in. His chah-mooz-ee stone.

He followed her gaze to it before returning his eyes to her, smiling softly. “It’s been safe with you all this time. Why don’t you keep it for a while longer.” He reached out to touch it with his index finger. “Though I might borrow it every once in a while. It’s a symbol of healing – and I fear I have a lot of healing left to do yet.” His voice dipped lower at the end, his expression growing distant. He pulled back his hand.

She sobered instantly. She’d already learned from the kids that from his perspective, ten years had passed since he’d first taken the Protostar from Solum and marooned himself on Ysida. They’d told her (in a rather disjointed cacophony) what they’d learned from holographic Janeway, about losing Adreek, and his crew. She couldn’t even begin to imagine what that must have been like. To sacrifice his life, after having already lost everything else. As lost as she had felt sometimes in the Delta Quadrant, at least she’d had her hope and her crew to help her keep herself together. She’d had him.

Her heart ached for him. She longed to comfort him. But she wasn’t quite sure how to do that yet. So she went with the most obvious: making sure he knew she was there for him, just as he'd done for her.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked softly.

He exhaled, brows furrowing, but he met her eyes. “No. I mean not right now. There’ll be plenty of time for that later.”

Her smile brightened. “Plenty of time.”

Lips quirking up, he crossed his fingers, tossing her a playful look. “At least I hope so.”

Kathryn’s heart skipped multiple beats at the sense of déjà vu and the familiar teasing gleam in his gaze. And from the way his eyes traced the contours of her face for a brief moment, almost longingly, the reference hadn’t been an accident on his part either. Feeling flustered under that gaze, she had to consciously shake herself. “Well, I’m here to listen, if you ever want to tell me. When you’re ready.”

His eyes seemed to bore into her for second, then he blinked and his smile turned crooked. “First day back and you’ve already managed to surprise me.”

“How so?”

He gave a quick shake of the head, still smiling. “I just expected you to ask a lot more questions. Your curiosity is rather legendary, after all. And as a Starfleet admiral you’re bound to want answers.”

She shook her head, meeting his eyes squarely, because this was no joking matter. “I’m just happy to have you back, Chakotay. Nothing else matters to me right now except knowing that you’re safe. And welcoming you home.”

He sucked in a deep breath at her words, then released it slowly through his nose, the movement making his whole upper body rise and fall, looking at her with such sudden intense emotion she had to blink moisture from her own eyes. “Thank you.”

“Well...” she conceded, her smile a little watery, hoping to lighten the mood. “You’re not wrong about one thing though: I am curious. Would you at least tell me how you got back here? All I got from my young protégés were disjointed bits and excited ramblings about alternate realities and giant eels that feed on electricity. In exchange I’m willing to tell you about the time Dal and I switched bodies when he tried to contact me telepathically.”

He scoffed in amusement and surprise, then, realizing she wasn’t kidding, he let out a chuckle. “I have a feeling I’ll be getting a lot more out of this exchange than you will.” He paused, biting his lips. “I don’t know what time it is, but...” He glanced around as if looking for a clock. “Are you hungry? How about we trade stories over a meal?”

Her heart would have melted even if the hint of hopeful uncertainty hadn’t been there in his voice and expression. She grinned, setting her cup down on the shelf so she could loop her arm around his. His eyes seemed to dance with pleasure at the gesture.

“Best idea I’ve heard all day.”

Although a petty part of Kathryn fantasized about taking Chakotay to the mess hall so her crew could see that none of their efforts - none of the risks they’d taken - had been in vain, in the end it was the selfish part that wanted him all to herself that won out. So she led him to her quarters instead, all the while answering his questions about Voyager-A and the numerous updates they had equipped the ship with. Though he expressed genuine interest, it was obvious that this was also a form of small talk for them. After their emotionally charged reunion, this was a safe way of getting reacquainted with each other, even though – as he’d said in the transporter room – in some ways it felt as though he’d never left. But the lingering intensely quiet quality that still clang to him as he walked next to her reminded her in the most acute way that he had. That years had passed. Did he find her changed, she wondered? Would it be obvious to him that everything that had happened over the last couple of years was starting to take its toll on her?

She shoved the uncomfortable thought aside when they arrived at her quarters and she let them in, then made a beeline for the replicator.

“Do you argue with this one as much as you did the old one?” Chakotay asked, his smile teasing and hands at his hips in a posture so familiar she felt her heart squeeze.

“Oh no. This one is much better behaved,” she drawled jokingly in response.

When he told her she should choose their meal for them, she programmed something light but filling and they moved to sit at the table to eat, as they had done countless times before – on a different ship, in a different life. While they resumed their conversation and he eventually started telling her about the kids’ arrival on Ysida and how they helped him get the Protostar space-worthy again, she curbed her curiosity at the way he seemed to be savoring every single bite of his meal, or the parts of the story he glossed over a little too quickly. Instead she let herself bask in the familiar sound of his voice – loving how it had gotten a little raspier as he’d gotten older, refamiliarizing herself with the angular features of his face, enjoying the teasing tilt of his lips when he gave her the hint of a smile she’d missed so much. And the more he spoke, the more he seemed to grow back to his old self, letting humor into his voice, his cadence alternating between seriousness and playfulness. His humor, the engaging conversation, the gleam in his eyes, the blunt honesty – all of it was another stark reminder of why she’d missed him so much (not that she needed reminding at this point). Were it not for their uniforms, matching gray hairs, and their upcoming mission to return the Protostar to Tars Lamora that lingered on the back of her mind like background noise, it would have been all too easy to think they were back on Voyager. Their Voyager.

But with her heart so full and in constant risk of overflowing with joy, ache, and deep, deep love for this man, it was a very good thing they weren’t. Because for the first time since meeting him, she felt free to let her feelings ignite at last, and if she’d learned anything from his disappearance, it was to never take him for granted ever again. There was something scary at the prospect of no longer having any of the safety nets she had clung to in the Delta Quadrant, but she was ready to face it now. At long last, she was ready to face it all. Whatever fears and insecurities she might harbor appeared trivial compared to what they had gone through to get to this point. Of course the big question now was, would he be ready to embrace the potential between them too? By the way she caught him gazing at her – with a heady mix of longing, continued wonder, and affection – it was hard not to let hope and anticipation bubble up to the surface. Yet, after what he’d been through and the emotional rollercoaster he must be experiencing at the moment, the last thing she wanted was to press him or add to his turmoil. She’d wait for him, she decided, for as long as it took.

By the time he got to the part about Voyager being fractured into alternate realities because of a crack they had created in spacetime, they were done eating and had moved to sit side by side on her couch, each with a cup of coffee in hand and sitting at an angle to better face each other.

“...Gwyn managed to engage the deflector dish, there was a flash of bright light and then... Here we were,” he ended softly eventually. “In the transporter room. The right one, this time.”

“Extraordinary.” She exhaled as she took it all in, shaking her head at him in amazement. “They’re a smart, resilient bunch, aren’t they?” She asked softly, lips curling in pride.

“They’ve surprised me at every turn,” he agreed, smiling.

She shifted to put her now empty mug on the coffee table before returning to her position, folding her legs under her and her elbow resting against the back of the couch so she could rest her temple against her knuckles. She shook her head again, this time in a mix of amazement and puzzlement. Her gaze wandered to the stars beyond her viewscreen. “All those alternate realities. It raises questions, doesn’t it?”

“About what?” His voice had gotten softer, warmer. Exhaustion seemed to have caught up to him over the last couple of hours, because his eyelids drooped a little as he looked at her. She couldn’t blame him. Now that the adrenaline rush of his return was fading, she felt about ready to drop herself. But, she didn’t want to yet. Let this moment last a little longer. She was surprised at how much she hated the thought of saying goodbye to him, even for just a few hours.

“Possibilities,” she replied quietly. “Roads not taken. Do you think there’s a reality out there for every decision every one of us makes?”

He huffed out a smile, giving her a pointed look. “I don’t think I’m the right person to ask, Kathryn. But that would be a lot of realities. I guess it’s lucky for us that we only had to get through eight decks, and not an infinity of them,” he added, chuckling a little. "I probably would have arrived with even more gray hairs."

She grinned too.

Then before she could lose herself in the warmth of his expression or give in to the impulse to snuggle into his warmth until sleep claimed her, she forced herself to push to her feet, mindful of the late hour and his obvious exhaustion, and grabbed their discarded mugs on the way to bring them to the counter for cleaning. He followed a moment later, stopping by the table first to grab their empty plates and whatever else he could carry.

When he stopped a half a step behind her and reached around her to leave some of the stuff on the counter, the accidental brush of his arm against hers and the warmth of his body behind her made her skin buzz, her entire being entirely all too aware of him. Heavens above. She barely resisted the urge to close her eyes at the unexpected assault of him on her senses. Before she knew it he had stepped away and back toward the table again to gather what remained.

“But you’re right,” he said quietly then, picking up the conversation where they’d left off. “Going through all those realities has left me wondering...Between the Mirror Universe, realities in which you were gone, another one in which Tuvix was captain of Voyager...”

“What?” She pressed, smiling, as she started piling up plates and bowls. She’d take care of it in the morning, but she could at least-

All thoughts fled her head when she sensed him step closer again, stopping when he was half a step behind her and slightly off to the side, so close if she leaned back just a little, her shoulder blade would rest against his chest. He exhaled softly, his breath against her hair and tickling her ear.

“Is there a reality out there in which we get it right?” He asked softly, his deep voice sending a shiver down her spine.

Her heart gave a powerful lurch in her chest before thudding back into a painfully mad rhythm. Her mouth had gone suddenly dry so she swallowed because.. this was it. The moment she had spent so long hoping would come. The second chance she had dreamed of.

“Well...” She started, voice quavering a little as she slowly turned to face him, not entirely surprised to find him standing so close she had to tip her head back as she slowly lifted her eyes to his. “How about this one?”

He shook his head, obviously assuming she had misunderstood him. “No, I’m talking about...us, Kathryn. You and me.”

The mix of raw hope and wistfulness on his face as he met her gaze nearly broke her heart. It spurred her into action. Her hand traveled to his chest, marveling at the way his breath hitched and his eyes widened ever so slightly. Sharpened their focus – on her. And heavens above, the way his heart thundered under her palm...

She made sure to hold his gaze before she spoke, breathlessly, but with certainty. “So am I, Chakotay.”

A volley of emotions crossed his face in a flash so fast she could only catch a handful – incredulity, hope, joy, doubt, relief, wonder, eagerness, disbelief. He searched her eyes, his throat bobbing when he swallowed, his brows furrowing as though struggling to restrain something too powerful to contain.

Slowly, she lifted her hand from his chest and held it up to the side a little, palm facing him. His eyes slid to her fingers briefly, and recognizing the invitation, his lips curled when he lifted his own hand to bring his palm to hers until they fully touched, their grip growing firmer as their fingers interlocked. It was a simple touch, and one that was familiar to them, from a lifetime ago, and yet Kathryn found herself marveling at the sensation of his callused thumb brushing against the back of her hand, the warmth of his palm against hers and the strength of his fingers. He huffed out an amazed smile, one that made one corner of his mouth tug upward, brows knitting together as he returned his gaze to meet hers.

“But what if...” He started, then swallowed. Licked his lips. His thumb brushed against her hand again. “What if I’m not the man you think you know anymore. Ten years... that’s a long time, Kathryn.”

“I suppose it is,” she conceded just as quietly, a part of her utterly distracted by his touch. “I could ask you the same about me. It’s been five years for me but it felt...” She frowned at the thought. “Not having you around made it feel like an eternity.” She lifted her eyes to his again and held his gaze. “I suppose it would be stranger if we hadn't changed. But my point is we have the opportunity to find ourselves again, and work through it, together.” She gave his hand a squeeze to really bring her point home. “That’s a second chance I don’t want to let slip through my fingers, Chakotay. It’s too important. You’re too important.”

He nodded, accepting her words. He pulled on their joined hands to gather them against his chest, shifting their fingers until he could cradle her hand within his own, tucking it against his chest. Then he licked his lips again, brows knitting together. “And what if there are things you learn about me, and find you don’t like...?”

She knew he was serious, but she couldn’t help it, she smirked, lifting an eyebrow. “You mean things like you squeezing the toothpaste tube from the middle rather than the bottom?” She drawled jokingly. “I’d show you how to do it right and move on from there.”

He scoffed, one corner of his mouth tugging upward even as he shook his head at her in amusement and his hold on her hand tightened affectionately. “Is there such a thing as a right way of doing that?” He shook his head again. “I’m talking about more serious stuff. Decisions I’ve made I’m not particularly proud of.”

She softened her expression. Of course she knew this was what he’d meant. She stepped a little closer, shifting her hand in his so she could lay it flat over his heart again.“You’re one of the few people who’s seen me at my best and at my worst, Chakotay. And you’ve stood by me through it all. What on Earth makes you think I wouldn’t do the same?”

He stared at her openly, then huffed out an amazed smile that knitted his brows together, moving his head back a little to look at her in puzzled wonder, his eyes searching hers. "You really would, wouldn't you?”

She slanted her lips. “Watch me,” she replied challengingly and his eyes seemed to shine brighter in response. “This is our chance to get it right Chakotay, our reality, and I’m not going to let it-”

She never got to finish because in the next instant there was a blur of movement, a flash of dark eyes, then his hands had somehow found their way to cup her cheeks and his mouth was on hers, his body so close her hand was now trapped between their chests. Her eyes closed reflexively and she hummed against his mouth, leaning into him, because the simple – yet incredible – contact of his lips pressing against hers and his sudden nearness were intoxicating and everything and yet not nearly enough. Time stood still for three glorious seconds while they relaxed into the kiss, until he pulled back, just far enough to break the contact of their lips and meet her eyes. Chest heaving, his fingers caressing her cheek and his shallow breaths warm against her chin, he touched his forehead to hers as one of his hands moved to curl around her waist, then slid around her back, the warmth of his touch heady through the layers of her uniform. Breathing hard, she lifted her hand from his chest to touch his chin with her fingertips. He shivered at the contact, eyes closing in pleasure. His fingers shifted from her cheek to caress a strand of her hair between his fingers, as though feeling its softness.

"Kathryn." His utterance of her name came out like a breath, a soft, beautiful sound somewhere between a plea and an answered prayer.

A choked sound escaped her and then she was kissing him, hungrily and with all the pent up passion and love she’d accumulated over the years, using both her hands around the back of his neck to pull him down to her, never getting enough of him. She pulled him closer and as she frantically kissed every part of him her mouth could reach – his lips, his cheek, his chin, his brow, his eyelids – while his arms folded around her and he buried his head into her neck, lips grazing skin wherever he found it – the underside of her jaw, the shell of her ear, her cheek, that part of her neck barely visible above her collar. She circled her arms around his neck and held him closer with her hands in his hair until they were fully embracing, hugging and kissing in turn, and when she felt his muffled laughter ripple through her own chest she laughed with him, pulling his head back with both hands on the side of his head to meet his eyes again and returned her mouth to his, eager for more of his touch and warmth and love. After a few more passionate strokes of their lips, her hand came up to caress his cheek and they slowed the pace, until eventually they pulled back with a few lingering brushes of their lips.

His eyes were alight with joy and desire when his gaze met hers, still holding her close and his face so near she could see the all the beautiful shades of brown and gold in his irises. He smiled, tightening his arm around her back briefly. “Well, that was...” He cleared his throat.

“Different?” She offered wryly, breathlessly, arching an eyebrow, raking her fingers through his hair. It was a simple touch, yet one she had forbade herself to imagine for so long that it felt extraordinary now.

He chuckled and the sound was so spontaneous and heartfelt, it warmed her heart. “To think that all this time I was scared that I’d changed too much, not realizing change could feel this good...” He nuzzled her face teasingly and she grinned. After a moment he sighed, his arm squeezing around her back briefly. “As much as I hate the thought of it, I should go,” he sighed again. “I better get some sleep lest the Doctor threatens to keep me under observation.”

She nodded, though her heart was still racing and her skin buzzing, and the last thing she wanted was leave the warmth and strength of his arms. He took a step back and they reluctantly disentangled themselves, though she couldn’t resist letting her hands linger on his chest and arm, while his reluctantly slid away from her back.

She desperately wanted him to stay, but she also knew he was right. He deserved a good night’s sleep – they both did. So she nodded, patting his chest before pulling back her hand.  “Meet for breakfast in the mess hall in the morning?”

He gave a nod. “I have an appointment with Noum at 800. Meet at 700?”

His psych eval. Of course. The one that would officially return him to duty, or not. She’d almost forgotten. She nodded.“700 it is, then. I’ve freed up some quarters for you on deck 4. Unless you’d rather go back to your quarters on the Protostar?”

“Deck 4 sounds good. I don’t think I’d make it all the way to my quarters at this point,” he added with a tired chuckle.

She smiled, nudging her chin in the direction of the door. “You better go then, or the Doctor will have my head - or worse, Dr. Noum will take away my coffee again - for keeping you on your feet so late.”

He nodded again, but stayed where he was, watching her silently as though caught in her gaze. She decided to make it easy for him (though she couldn’t refrain from smirking in satisfaction) and moved to lead him toward the door. He followed, and when the door opened and he stepped out into the corridor, he turned to her, smiling. “Sweet dreams, Kathryn.”

She reached out to touch his arm, giving it an affectionate squeeze. “You know, they actually might be tonight, for the first time in years.”

His smile matched hers. “I know what you mean.”

She nodded, giving his arm one last squeeze. “Sleep well, Chakotay. I’ll see you in the morning.”

ooOoo

As soon as he stepped inside his assigned quarters on deck 4, Chakotay removed his uniform jacket, his shoes, then forced himself to brush his teeth (chuckling to himself when he found himself squeezing the paste out of the tube from the bottom rather than the middle) before he dropped himself on the mattress, still fully dressed. Despite the thrill he felt in his gut from everything that had just happened, the anticipation of what would come next and the tug of lingering desire from having her in his arms at last, sleep beckoned him. He knew she would have allowed him to stay with her if he’d asked - and he’d so wanted to ask – but he knew her too well (even after all these years apart, it seemed) not to notice that she was just as exhausted as he was. The beauty of it all – of being home at last – was that she would still be here in the morning, and they could pick up where they’d left off, and move forward together.

The thought comforted him to no end and his eyes closed again, but he forced himself to remain awake for a moment longer, because there was one more thing he needed to do first. “Computer, has the Protostar been cleared for intership communications yet?”

There was a second’s delay, and then, “Affirmative. It is now safe to open a channel with the USS Protostar.”

“Hail the Protostar’s Training Hologram, audio only.”

A second later her voice reached his ear. “Captain?”

“Far be it from me to give you more gloating material than you already have, but... I just wanted to say... you were right. About her. About everything.”

“Ah,” he could almost hear her pleased smile. “It went well, then?”

He grinned to himself. That was an understatement. “Yes. It went really well. Thank you.”

“Good. Remember, that’s three favors you owe me, Captain.”

Chakotay scoffed in amusement. “Didn’t you say you weren’t counting?”

“I lied.”

Chakotay chuckled. “Alright then. I’ll make it up to you.”

“Good night, Captain.”

He yawned, closing his eyes again, letting his breathing, his muscles, and his thoughts settle at last.

And just when he was starting to succumb to sleep, there was a quiet but quick rap at the door. Chakotay’s eyes flew open, strained his ears. Had he imagined it? But then it came again.

Tap tap tap.

Well, sleep be damned.

He grinned, rolling over until his feet reached the floor and he rubbed his eyes as he padded his way to the door, a flurry of anticipation in his stomach. Because there was only one person who could be standing on the other side of that door. Only one person he wanted to be on the other side of that door.

And so there she was.

Admiral Kathryn Janeway.

She stood with her hands clasped behind her back in a perfect Starfleet posture, but her hair was still a little ruffled from his fingers earlier and the look in her eyes... Chakotay’s heart gave a powerful squeeze. Because there was hope and determination there but also a hint of uncertainty, and it tugged at his heartstrings.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve decided that if you’re going to be under anyone’s observation, it should be mine, not the Doctor’s,” she declared by way of greeting. Yet, despite the tone, despite her admiral’s mask, despite the mischievous smile, her voice shook a little. And suddenly he knew exactly why she’d come to him even after they’d agreed to meet in the morning. Not for a night of passion (though he of course didn’t dismiss the thought entirely), but for the same reason he wanted to gather her in his arms again and never let go.

So he chuckled quietly in response to her opening quip, then stepped aside in silent invitation. “A far more agreeable prospect, I agree,” he replied in the same tone.

She smiled and stepped inside, taking in the impersonal quarters with a sweeping glance as he closed the door behind her. But then she turned to face him and her mask seemed to fall until she wasn’t Admiral Janeway anymore but Kathryn – beautiful, real, exhausted and... vulnerable. Magnificent. She swallowed. “Actually, I came here because...” She stopped herself, frowned. “Chakotay, would you...” She stopped herself again, her frustration obvious and incredibly endearing. Who would have known that the formidable Kathryn Janeway could get tongue-tied?

Because he’d already guessed what she meant to say, what it was she wanted to ask, Chakotay smiled softly, curling his hand around her shoulder in a warm caress. “Come on. Let’s get some sleep.”

Her shoulders sagged in relief that he understood and she smiled gratefully. But as he started making his way back to the bedroom, making sure she was following with a quick glance over his shoulder, her more typical mischievous expression was back and she smirked at him. “I call shotgun on the right side of the bed.”

He chuckled. “We’ll flip for it.”

And when his hand sought and found hers, her fingers curled around his. And didn’t let go.

The end

I hope you enjoyed! 🥰

There’s still a lot I could have unpacked there, but I hope this was a satisfying, yet somewhat realistic resolution between those two for now! I’d love to keep adding to this story and delving deeper into what Chakotay went through on Ysida (and his developing romance with Kathryn, of course). I’ll see what my muse has to say about that!

For now, thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed! Feel free to drop me a line if you did! I’m always happy to hear from you!

Fanart-alooza to accompany the kissing scene 😉, enjoy! (If you'd like to see more of my fanart, follow me on Twitter/X @Amalgam000_JC and Tumblr @Amalgam000, Bluesky @Amalgam000.bsky.social)