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Amelia Shepherd had a near perfect memory. That is exactly what got her through med school while being high off her ass from doing lines in the school bathrooms. No matter how many drugs she took, no matter what she tried, her memory was somehow never impaired.
Sure, the drugs helped the sting a bit.
Never the memory.
That was exactly how she found herself on her couch on a lonely Saturday night, sobbing into a pillow with her heartbeat racing. A pack of cigarettes next to her, a futile attempt to not relapse and undo all the hard work she had put into being sober and staying sober.
It was hard as fuck.
Somehow, the queen of spirals yet again lived up to her name. Oh she was spiralling alright. Amelia felt like Alice in goddamn wonderland. Except instead of a rabbit there was the pulling urge to get a bag of oxy.
Amelia let out a sigh and shifted to light yet another cigarette. She had lost count of how many she had smoked throughout the day, though the 3 empty packets littered around the couch were a good indicator. As she leaned to grab her lighter, she saw her phone received a notification. No one had really reached out in the weeks she had gone into hibernation, so curiously she picked up her phone and pressed the button to turn it on again.
ameliashepherd
@kaibartley has posted a story.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. This was absolutely not the plan. Amelia could feel the bile rising in her throat thinking about the person who had left her like it was nothing, like she was no one, once again proving her curse theory right.
It somehow always went like this.
Kai was wonderful. The first time Amelia held their gaze she was positive she would never fall in love with anyone else this way ever again, even though they had not even exchanged any words. Kai was the single most handsome human she had ever seen.
All the nights they spent together were filled with promises, empty promises, of a life together. Kai assured Amelia they would be the one to stay, told her sad little lies and stories that seemed too good to be true. Which they were.
Amelia attempted to stop the tears from starting yet again, but she was unsuccessful. It seemed to be a cycle. She would try to forget, then something would remind her of them and the circus would begin all over. She almost felt ashamed going to the night store yesterday for more cigarettes. Almost.
Holding her breath, Amelia swiped the notification to the right, filling in her passcode before realising that her passcode was still Kai’s birthday and breaking into another fit of sobs.
When she had calmed down enough, she glanced at her phone. On her screen was Kai, seemingly sightseeing in London. The video showed them pointing at the Big Ben before turning around and acting shocked to see the London Eye on the other side of the bridge. Amelia smiled. She couldn’t help herself.
That was until Kai shifted their angle, showing a short brunette right next to them on the bridge. Kai leaned down towards her, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek before turning their face back to the camera and smiling bigger than Amelia had ever seen.
She was positive her heart stopped beating for at least 5 seconds. Her heartbeat sped up impossibly, and her breaths started coming out in short pants. No inhales, just exhales and god she couldn’t breathe because she was here, spiralling even further than before and Kai was just fine.
Kai was kissing girls in London like Amelia had only been some short illicit affair to them. A fun little something because she was there at the right place, at the right time and they had no one else.
She really was about to throw up.
--
About half an hour later she was still sobbing on the couch, a fourth empty pack now having joined the other three on the floor. Amelia felt absolutely miserable, and about as small as Alice after taking that one pill. Amelia hadn’t taken any pills though. That made her cry even harder. She was so, so proud of herself. She had shared her sobriety and her achievements with Kai, and they had been so good about it all. They gave her reassurance when needed, left her alone when she got back an ounce of the bite she used to have while on oxy, hid their departure gate from her until it was too late to even attempt to change their mind.
They had spent nights intertwined in each other, all the words she couldn’t say were drawn on Kai’s skin instead. And she was sure they felt it. Always looking so goddamn smug in their blouses and vests whenever she would look up at them and blush. So in control of everything. Really, Amelia should have seen this coming.
Just as she could feel yet another panic attack coming up, she heard a noise at the front door. It almost sounded like cursing. Then; the bell rang. Once. Twice. Then many, many times. Amelia froze in her position on the couch.
“Coming!”
She musters up all the energy still left in her body and makes her way from the couch to the front door. Before she even has the door all the way open, Arizona, Addison and Meredith storm past her and make their way into her apartment.
Amelia stands stunned for a second, mouth open and eyes widening at the sight of the three most important women in her life. Who started cleaning her apartment, apparently.
“Hey what are you doing?” she had meant to sound intimidating, rude, to get them out of there. Instead she sounded more defeated than anything.
“Mer called me and said you were spiralling, so I flew here,” Arizona shrugged, as if it was the most normal thing in the world.
“Yeah me too,” Addison joined in, “Can’t leave my girl spiralling alone,” she added with a small smile.
Amelia’s eyes drifted to Meredith, who had a slightly apologetic look on her face.
“You didn’t answer your phone, so I had to take more drastic measures,” she explained, shifting from foot to foot like a child who has been caught cheating on a test.
Amelia’s eyes watered.
They were here for her. For her. Because… they were her friends? And they loved her?
She truly thought she had lost everyone left to lose. Turns out, they were all still right there. A watery smile appeared on her face as she stormed toward Meredith, enveloping her in a tight squeeze.
“Thank you,” she whispered brokenly as she felt Meredith’s arms wrap around her.
“Anytime,” Meredith replied.
Pulling back, she looked around the room. The four empty packs of cigarettes were gone, which was seemingly Addison’s doing since she had a slightly condescending look on her face. She was working on putting her blanket in the laundry, as well as some socks Amelia had forgotten to clean up.
Arizona was on the couch, Amelia’s phone in hand. Amelia made her way toward her, sitting down next to her.
“What’s your password?” she asked.
Amelia froze, expecting another panic attack to come up. But nothing happened. She was fine.
“080683” she replied with a smile on her face. She looked at Arizona, who raised her eyebrows slightly before smiling back and returning her attention back to the phone.
She unlocked the phone, went into settings and clicked wallpaper.
“This needs to go,” she replied in response to the current wallpaper Amelia had, which was of her and Kai kissing on the beach. Arizona changed it to a 0,5 selfie of herself, claiming Sofia had taught her how to do it and that Amelia could always change it back. Amelia let out a giggle and put her head on Arizona’s shoulder.
“Now, passcode,” she said sternly. “I am going to make it Scout’s birthday so that if you ever change it you will feel guilty,” she joked. She deleted the current one and typed in Scout’s birthday.
“How do you know Scout’s birthday?” Amelia gasped, feigning shock. Arizona knew everything about her, even if she had never told her.
“It’s in my phone, now shush,” Arizona replied, rolling her eyes. Amelia smiled, and drew her attention away from the phone to see Addison strutting towards her.
“You are coming with me,” she commanded. Amelia’s brow furrowed which apparently did not satisfy Addison. “You are going to take a shower because you smell like a walking cigarette, and then I am going to do your makeup while Mer and Arizona pick out an outfit because we are going out,” she rambled. Amelia opened her mouth to protest, but Addison raised an eyebrow so she quickly closed it again.
She shouldn’t protest really, because with Addison on her arm and Arizona and Meredith following right behind, she would be perfectly fine.