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That was the night after the live show, I remember that clearly. We did an explosive show in Australia, we tore the place to shreds. I also remember the interview before the show. Oh, if it was just an ordinary interview... For some reason I still remember it, even though it was a few months ago, and I've been overwhelmed with things during that time, endless touring, traveling, trying to get some rest afterwards, and only now, i've successfully had got a month’s vacation; that's definitely something to be proud of.
My memories were not only of that interview, but also of the environment during it, the Australian warmth that was all around me, the crowd yelling somewhere near me, and being around my bandmates, Pat, Nate, Taylor.... Oh god, if only I could get rid of the shame and embarrassment at that moment, how much I hate interviewers and their stupid questions...
"Dave, do you feel anything for the members of your band, or do you only have a working relationship within the band?" - Get the heck out of here with questions like that, you bastards! I haven't felt such a typhoon of emotions in a couple years as I did when I was asked that. Yes, I didn't show any emotion, and I didn't really want to, I just giggled like an idiot in response to it, answered with some ridiculous bullshit and grinned at the camera, grinning at them.... It is precisely because of them now that I find myself thinking about all of this far more often than I used to. But still, yes, I feel like I should have confessed to someone in my group, no matter how embarrassed I felt in front of him. I definitely know who that person is, and who I'm talking about.....
There he is, a regular visitor to my thoughts, my best and closest friend, Taylor Hawkins. In fact, I had been attracted to him from the first time I met him; a drummer, with beautiful blonde hair, and also, I guess... his eyes enchanted me. He seemed innocent, but at the same time so pleasant, so serious..... I think I was madly in love with him, always watching with special interest the way his strong blows hit the drums and cymbals, I could see the simmering passion in it all. I don't think he gave my gazing at his playing that much importance though, as he definitely knew I was a drummer.
We spent a lot of time together after the concerts, and that's probably why we got closer to each other, becoming really close friends. Either it seemed to me because of my stupid crush, or maybe not, but I definitely saw something in his eyes, something, maybe mutual, maybe close to it.... No, I cross my heart, it was exaggerated by my merciless crush, which made me worry, and then sharply feel a light flutter, but after that it threw me back into the abyss of moral distress ... oh, good thing I almost got over it. And also, once, he was tuning the drums, while I was standing somewhere nearby, also in the rehearsal room, he called out to me, asking for help.... and I had to touch his hands, his wrists, showing him what to do and where to turn. I swear to god, I almost jumped out of my skin at that moment. I remember every moment of that memory, especially the softness of his hands, hell, that's when my manic crush phase took off again, even though it hadn't, at that point, for a very long time... And yet, in spite of all this, I got off topic. Now, digging into my own thoughts, I can say with certainty that yes, I have feelings, even fucking more than ordinary feelings.... they're too damn big to fucking describe properly.
Thoughts of it haunted me like migratory birds chasing their way to warm resorts to survive the cold winter there.....
***
I spent a long time pondering each past day of my vacation how I would confess. Maybe by leaving little hints all this time, or maybe by telling everything at once and face-to-face? Yes, definitely, the second choice is much harder for me to realize, but it will probably be many times more reasonable than the first one, maybe I'll scare him off with hints? If that's the case, then it's worth saying right away. But dammit, the second one is also so hard to materialize that... the non-reciprocity will grate on me like needles burrowed somewhere deep inside me, bringing pain and suffering.
I spent most of the day calming myself down, letting myself know that he would understand; he'd definitely noticed my strange behavior all along. I'd understand if he didn't, too, though as I'd said earlier, that would be a big blow to me. I need to take all the courage I have left and open up to him, because everything I haven't voiced to him about my feelings is like a huge burden on my soul that will gradually build up, putting me under incredible strain, pressing harder over time.
***
Another week hadn't gone by in vain, my mind almost to the point of telling me how I could confess to him. Many phrases popped into my head, many scenarios, even sometimes not the most acceptable.... But the crush had been genuinely tormenting, even since the beginning of it, and also, I had once again gotten sidetracked. The plan was extremely simple, it came to my mind the very first: I could take and invite him to my place, play my yet-to-be-played drum parts, improvise, have a beer, or else.... I distinctly remember his favorite drink, drinking which he glows with pleasure and happiness, and it was just ordinary green tea.... remembering it precisely, I realized how I could quickly catch him and make his confession sweeter.
The day was chosen, the kit was set up and his favorite drink was bought, all that was left was to call him, tell and show him something about drums and other musician crap...
But, today, I'm gonna tell him all of my boiling thoughts inside my head, right?...
I ran to the phone, dialing it, “Hey Tay, it's Dave, do you mind stopping by my place today? I have some new drum parts, maybe they would be good for our next album?” - With a lump of embarrassment in my throat I said it, the feeling made my knees buckle, making me lean against the nightstand, and I was starting to feel tension all over my body, “Drum parts, you said? Dave, this is amazing! I'll start packing right now, see you later!” - the conversation consisted of those two lines, without any further questioning, which relieved the slight anxious tremor in my legs, and I returned to the kitchen, waiting for the doorbell to ring.
Damn, the doorbell, it scared me! Taylor had already arrived, and I flew off the kitchen chair like a madman, running to the door to open it, “Hi, Dave! I told you I'd go to the ends of the earth for your drums, right?” - I nodded immediately, the slight tremor in my knees returned, but I controlled myself, I had the strength to be around him and hold a conversation with him....
How quickly he came, I was amazed at his speed, it seems, not only in drumming..... He always managed to do things incredibly fast, I often admired him because of that, of course, admiring him silently, afraid to say the truth to his face....
***
When the drums were strummed, all the jokes were over and my anxiety dissolved, when I played him a new drum part without a single hitch in the rhythm.... then, that's when the most important part of contacting him came... the confession.
We retreated to the kitchen, our hands were slightly sore, but we didn't care as we were incredibly thirsty for something to drink. That's when my plan started to go the way my confession needed to go - “Taylor, I have your favorite green tea, would you like some?” - I smiled to myself as wide as my buddy did at the mention of green tea - “You have my favorite?! Oh my gosh man, I thought none of my friends liked it except you!” - Oh, you're so adorable when you're happy about the little things. I was staring at you at that moment, Taylor, and I think you noticed it without showing it.
We sat next to each other after your favorite drink had been poured into the cups across from us on the small coffee table. I glared at you, but looked away abruptly; at that moment, Taylor joked, but my eyes glaring into yours made me pause for a long moment; you continued to stare at me.
Once again I was overcome by a slight tremor, my eyes were afraid to look not only into yours, but in general they could no longer endure your beautiful appearance. But it was in this awkward situation that I realized again that I had an immediate obligation to confess, no matter what you did.
“You know, Tay, it's time for your buddy to confess...” - My head was down, my eyes squeezed shut, and my hands frantically clutched the fabric of the couch I was sitting on with you.
You were still silent, waiting for me, but I could feel you tense up just as much, “Shouldn't I be telling you that I... I...” - Fuck, my throat clenched and he became even more puzzled than before! - “I... Love more than just your drumming, Taylor... I...” - The shaking caught up with me again, and at the same time I was teased by your whispering voice in my ear, “ Interesting, really interesting... You mean to tell me that everything between us is mutual? Hmm, Dave?” - FUCK. I blushed and turned pale at the same time, lost for words, I had absolutely the full range of human fucking amazement in me!
He turned me around as I experienced all types of embarrassment at this one moment alone, and he let out a snide chuckle, “Come on, don't shake, or you'll be like a leaf on an aspen... It's really mutual, Dave, I'll tell you this without any ciphering - yes, Dave you've managed to become more than a friend to me, and you've caught my eye...” - Fuck, shit! I couldn't help what I heard, my deep groan echoed around the room, and I scrambled up, grabbing your neck, pulling you close. You didn't resist, which I was still surprised about, and even also reached for me, and your hands grabbed my face... Just a moment, and I kissed him, after which a few more moments, and also a few more kisses...
And then, I wished that moments like these were much more often, ended later, and were with him, my... lover? Yeah, I guess I'm already with my lover, whose name is Taylor.