Chapter Text
Warmth.
That’s all I could feel in that moment. The lights shining brightly, refracting across the polished wood floor of the stage laid out in front of me. It was like the air itself was glowing. I could taste it. Like canelés. Warm and deep and rich.
There’s a strangeness that comes from waiting in the wings, just off stage. You can see it all laid out in front of you, plain as day. The glowing wood, the towering lights, and even a glimpse of those huddled faces waiting eagerly for that silence to be filled. And the piano, of course. Standing there, waiting patiently. Like a great beast. Or an old friend. You can see it all. And yet, it seems so distant. As if you're peeking in from another world. A world where dust freezes in the air. Where the baited breath of your own heart is the loudest sound in the whole world. It’s terrifying. And exhilarating. Like the feeling of water rushing in your nose right before you surface to take a first breath of fresh air. Or the smell of a coming storm crackling in the air. And there, in the space in between breathing and thinking, I have you.
You lean your gentle head towards my ear and whisper to me, “Hey you, are you ready?” Your voice soars above all other thought and sensation. For a moment, you are all that exists in this world. And then, I breathe.
“Yeah, I think so.” As I speak, the world comes rushing back to me. The shuffle of the fabric of your dress. Plain and elegant, as if it were made of glass. Lilac. You look like a fairy tale. I can hear them out there. Whispering, breathing, waiting. Waiting for me. Waiting for us. For the music we are about to create.
I fidget with the ring around my finger, and then glance at the flash of that warm light as it bounces off the one of yours, wrapped around the violin. In that moment, the weight of my joy hits me with the force of a typhoon. It takes everything I have not to break down crying right then and there. For everything that I lost. Everything that brought me to you. And everything more to come.
“Well, what are we waiting for? Someone has to go out there and show them what we’re made of.” I smile. You’re always so impatient. Always one step ahead of me. I can see my own joy reflected in your eyes. The most colorful shade of gray in the world.
“Alright, let’s show them then.” All the warmth of the lights above is concentrated to one point as your lips brush my cheek, and then I hear you say softly in my ear,
“I’m right behind you.”
And then we step forward, into the abyss.
Together.
***
Kousei heard his forehead hit the desk before he felt it. As soon as he realized he had dozed off, he snapped his head back up, but it was too late. He saw the person sitting next him snicker in the corner of his eye as he righted himself. Some of the people in front of him had turned around to see what made the noise. He tried to make himself small, so no one might suspect it was him who was responsible. He couldn’t fool his professor though, her eyebrow raised in an arch of disapproval at his lapse in consciousness. He tried to avoid her stare by pretending to take notes intently. He looked down at the empty page in front him and sighed. This was hopeless. It wasn’t like he even knew what the professor had just been lecturing about. He barely even remembered what class he was in. Calculus? Chemistry? One of those two. They were both in the morning, and he hated both of them.
Kousei attempted to pay attention as she went on and on about… whatever it was this class was about, but he just couldn’t hold his attention in one place. His eyes kept slowly sliding shut until he snapped them open again. He just wanted to go back to bed. He just wanted to sleep. Forever. Sleep was comfortable. When he was asleep he could forget about everything for a while.
He rubbed his aching forehead as he tried to remember what had caused him to smash it into his desk. It was some sort of dream. One of those half dreams where you’re almost asleep but not quite. Something about it felt so warm, so comforting. He tried to remember the details, but they kept slipping away. There was some sort of music in it. A sweet tune. Light and lively. Without realizing it his fingers started tapping on the desk in front of him as he tried to hum along to the half remembered dream. He stopped, his hand frozen.
“You know that’s against the rules. Cut it out.” He heard the voice in his head say. He bit his tongue and shoved his hand under his leg to keep it still. He was suddenly glad he couldn’t remember the dream.
The rest of class continued on slowly and painfully. It was hard to understand anything that was going on, but that was alright. It’s not like he cared much anyway. His eyes drifted to the window, looking out over the courtyard of the science department.
“ Ah,” Kousei said to himself “so it’s chemistry then.” The revelation was of little importance. The courtyard was a nice part of campus. There were a few students walking outside, enjoying the warming weather and chatting as they walked under the blooming cherry blossom trees. It was a cheerful scene. Kousei felt something tug inside of him. He knew he should be able to appreciate the beauty of it, but he just couldn’t. The blooming cherry blossoms seemed just as dull to him as the chemistry lecture. But it didn't matter, that's how most things were. How they’ve always been. As long as he could remember anyway.
The class wrapped up and Kousei joined in the shuffle of scraping chairs and rustling paper as everyone packed up their things to leave. He started to make his way towards the door before he heard the professor call out.
“Arima. You stay behind. I’d like a word.”
He winced. He should’ve expected this. Of course it was coming, it always did at some point. Kousei waited for the other students to file out of the room before he made his way over to her, staring at his sneakers the whole time.
“So my class isn’t important enough to keep you awake, is that it?”
“No professor. Sorry professor.”
She sighed, deep and long. “Look Arima, It’s apparent to me that you have difficulty finding the motivation to apply yourself to your studies.” Here it comes. “But I suggest you do some digging and find some in the next few weeks. This is a poor start to the semester and if you don’t pick things up now…” Kousei looked up as she trailed off, unsure of why she stopped talking. He was surprised to see concern in her eyes as he looked at her for the first time.
“Arima, are you alright? You look unwell.” Kousei’s face flushed with embarrassment.
“Yes, I’m fine. I’ll make sure to work hard.” Her eyebrow arched itself again quizzically.
“Alright… You may go.”
“Thank you professor.” He mumbled as he quickly turned and walked out the door.
***
The rest of Kousei’s day followed in a similar fashion. It was a routine he had grown used to. The aimless shambling across campus, the half hearted attention to his various studies, the disapproving looks from his professors. It was just a part of the routine, just going through the motions. He had done well enough in highschool to get him into a good university, but ever since he started he could slowly feel it sucking the life out of him. And now, as he started his sophomore year, he could barely come up with motivation to wake up in the morning, let alone get good grades.
He was beginning to think maybe college just wasn’t for him. Highschool had been fine, good even. He had kept up with his work, spent time with his friends, he even had a girlfriend for most of it. Even if Tsubaki would never speak to him again. He pushed down the inevitable feeling of irritation that always popped up when she crossed his mind, followed shortly by a melancholic nostalgia. They had been such good friends when they were younger. Too bad she turned out to be a total bitch.
Kousei mentally pinched himself after thinking that. “I shouldn’t call her a bitch.” He told himself, “Even if she did knee me in the balls after I broke up with her.” Regardless of if she was a bitch or not, life had been a lot lonelier after Tsubaki left. Kousei had never been very good at making friends. He preferred keeping to himself most of the time, and he was always pretty awkward around new people. After mom died, his dad had spent more and more time away until he was practically never there, so most of the time it was just him. Alone. Kousei told himself he liked it that way, but he was lying.
He had a break after his afternoon class, so he began wandering around campus to find a place to eat. He eventually ended up at a bench at the edge of one of the larger courtyards and slowly began unwrapping his egg sandwich as he watched some guys kick a ball around. As he ate his lunch, his thoughts kept drifting back to high school. High school had been good, at least compared to college. In high school he got to be a teenager. He had fun doing all the dumb things that teenagers did. He remembered sneaking out to the school’s pool late at night with Tsubaki, or hanging out with Watari and all his soccer friends. There was a night when one of the soccer players had somehow managed to get two whole bottles liquor and Kousei had gotten so drunk he threw up. Good times. High school helped him forget everything that happened when he was in middle school. It helped him heal. Or at least it helped him run from it. In high school Kousei felt like he finally got to figure out what kind of person he was without the piano, but there was always this nagging feeling that maybe when he looked inside of himself to find that person, there wouldn’t be anything at all. Just a husk. Empty space. Silence.
After high school was over, Kousei began to realize that for most of it he was just pretending. It had been fun while it lasted, but now it was over and it was time to grow up. There weren't anymore dumb teenage adventures, now the only thing anyone ever seemed to ask him was what he wanted to do with his life. What were his goals? His ambitions? His aspirations? His dreams? All these questions made Kousei want to regurgitate his egg sandwich. He had no idea what he wanted to do. The only thing that ever gave him any sort of purpose died with his mother when he was twelve years old, and now he had nothing. Well, he had always had nothing. College had just made him realize that.
Kousei finished the last bit of his egg sandwich and began putting away his things. College was hard. It was hard to go to class when he had no idea why any of it mattered. It was hard to wake up in the morning when he knew he was just waking up to go to class. It was hard to make friends when he was asleep all the time. It was hard to do anything. He just felt so alone. Kousei sighed. “Well,” He thought to himself. “I’m not totally alone. At least I have…”
The thought got cut off by the sound of a fast traveling object and then the sensation of a soccer ball slamming into his face. The next thing Kousei was aware of was someone standing over him and the feeling of blood streaming from his nose.
“Oh shit!” a familiar voice shouted “Hey bud, sorry about that. Are you ok?” The figure towering over him was silhouetted by the afternoon sun. “Oh my god, hey Kousei!” Watari’s impish face was wreathed in a halo of light as he reached out his hand to help Kousei up off the ground. For a second, Kousei thought he almost looked like an angel.
“If only he could act like one too.” he thought as he gripped Watari’s hand to get off the ground.
“Hey, maybe watch where you’re kicking next time, yeah?” Watari scratched the back of his head sheepishly as he flashed his signature half grin, his golden-brown hair framing his flawless face perfectly as the sunlight shimmered behind him.
“Why does he have to be so goddamn handsome all the time?” Kousei complained internally.
“Sorry Kousei.” said Watari, “You just seem to have a knack for getting hit in the face with balls.”
“That’s what she said!” Shouted another soccer dude behind Watari.
“Shut the fuck up Kaminari! Or I’ll hit you with my big fat balls next!” Watari shouted back.
Kousei laughed at this in spite of himself. “Yeah, I do have a habit of getting hit in the face don’t I?”
“I’ll say!” Watari let his half grin slip into a full smile as he wrapped his arm around Kousei’s shoulder. “Now let’s go get you cleaned up. We can’t have mister popular walking around with blood dripping down his face. What about your reputation!” Kousei chuckled at this. Watari’s sarcasm was on point as ever.
***
The pair made their way to the nearest bathroom while Kousei tried to not get any more blood on his t-shirt. Watari leaned against the wall and began whistling lazily while Kousei washed his face in the sink.
“Sorry again for smacking your nose man. I’ll be more careful next time.”
“It’s fine.” Responded Kousei, “I’m used to it after all. Tsubaki made sure of that.”
Watari laughed at this, “Yeah, you’re right about that. I bet you still have dents in your skull from all the softballs she used to pelt you with. You hear from her at all lately?”
“What do you think?” answered Kousei.
“Yeah, I thought as much. How’s the ol’ baby maker doing by the way?”
“Shut up.” Kousei caught himself smiling in the mirror as he finished washing the blood off his face. It was good to talk to Watari. The familiar back and forth of their banter always made him feel better.
“Hey man,” Watari came over and clapped Kousei on the shoulder. “Getting kneed in the balls by a girl is the highest form of honor in my opinion. That’s how you know she really likes you.”
“Yeah, sure.”
“No, I'm serious! I know you two ended on bad terms, but you guys have too much history for her to just disappear. I’m sure she’ll come around.”
“To be honest, I hope she doesn’t.” Muttered Kousei.
“Well, that’s fair. She did hit you pretty hard.” Watari gave Kousei a friendly punch in the shoulder “But that’s a blessing my friend. The harder she hit you the more she meant it. And like I said, getting hit in the balls is an honor. It’s practically a rite of passage! We’ve all been there. I certainly know I have.”
“Yeah, I think getting hit in the balls is more of your thing Watari. I think I’ll stick to being single.”
“To each their own.” Mused Watari.
Watari and Kousei walked out into the hallway as Kousei glanced at his watch. “I should get to my next class. It starts in ten minutes.”
“Leaving already? C’mon man I haven’t seen you since the first week of the year! I wanna know how my best buddy’s adjusting to not being a dorky freshman.”
“Sorry man, I have to get going. Maybe some other time.” Kousei meant it when he said it. He did want to talk to Watari. He was pretty much Kousei’s only friend at this point and it was good to have some human interaction for once. It was just hard to make time to see him when Kousei was pretending to be a good student and Watari was partying every other night.
“How about tonight? You got any plans?”
“You know I don’t.”
“Perfect! Meet me at the park right off campus. 7 o’clock. I’m going to this concert thing with a girl I've been uh…” Watari winked. “Messing around with. She’s great. A total fire cracker. And get this! She’s a crazy violinist! She’s a part of the music college and she's killer. You guys will get along great!” Kousei was certain they would not get along great. Anyone who could be described as “a total firecracker” and Watari together would shine so bright they’d blot out Kousei entirely. He’d probably just awkwardly tag along like some sad puppy while they sparkled at each other.
“I don’t know Watari… I have a lot of studying to do.” It was true. Whether Kousei would actually do the studying was another question.
“Oh, come on man! Live a little! I haven’t seen you in weeks! I promise it won’t be that scary. We’re just hanging out a bit before her concert and then I think we might do something after. It’ll be no biggie. Plus, you really need to talk to people. I can see it written all over your face.” Watari had always been surprisingly insightful for an idiot. Maybe he was right. Kousei could use a night where he wasn’t cloistered in his dorm by himself.
“Alright, I’ll go. But I’ll probably just end up third wheeling the whole time.”
Watari gave a fist pump. “Yes! Nice man! And don’t worry about third wheeling, we can make a tricycle!” Kousei laughed. Watari had always had the incredible ability to make Kousei laugh even when he didn’t want to.
“Yeah whatever, I gotta get to class.”
“See you tonight!” Watari shouted as he ran back out towards his soccer bros. “Kaminari, I’m gonna kick your ass this time!”
Kousei smiled.
***
The sun was getting low on the horizon as Kousei arrived at the park. The sunset painted a tapestry of reds, yellows, and pinks across the drifting clouds as it slipped behind the city skyline. This time of day gave the whole world a golden glow. Sunbeams filtered through the cherry blossoms above as Kousei walked down the path towards the park, lighting up the ground beneath his feet like a kaleidoscope. He felt that tug again. Like there was something he was missing. He looked across the beautiful colors of the fading afternoon and felt… nothing. Black and white. Like piano keys.
He waited for a few minutes at the entrance to the park and checked his watch, it read 7:15. They were both late. Typical. He expected this from Watari but he had hoped this girl would have a little bit more class. At least they were a good match. He sighed and looked up at the colorful sky again, trying to feel something. As he lifted his head, something caught his eye.
“Shoes?” He thought. Caught in the branches of a nearby tree, two perfectly yellow flats were hanging haphazardly among the rustling leaves. Kousei made his way over and plucked them from their perch like they were some sort of fruit. “That’s weird.” He muttered to himself. And then he heard it, sailing over the golden air. A melodica. It was a sweet tune. Light and lively. He suddenly remembered the dream he had that morning. The melodica was bringing it back. That warmth he had felt.
He followed the sound until he came to the play structure in the center of the park. The wind picked up, carrying cherry blossoms through the air as he saw birds flying overhead. His eyes followed them until finally they landed on the source of the music that had enraptured him.
The girl standing on top of the play structure was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. As she played, she bobbed gently to the melody as if she was singing it with her whole body. Her bright golden hair was illuminated by the fading colors of sunset as they raced across the sky. Children were gathered around her, watching with complete silence as she played. Kousei had never seen children so still. He couldn’t blame them. He was just as transfixed as they were. She wore a pink skirt and simple white blouse, loose and flowing in the wind. The girl rose to her toes as she finished the final note of a melody that was as warm as the spring wind making cherry blossoms dance in the air around her. It was like something out of a fairytale. Kousei watched, holding his breath. She turned, and they locked eyes for a moment.
“She’s… crying?” He thought as he saw a single tear illuminated by the sunlight on her face, like a liquid diamond.
And suddenly, the world looked colorful again.