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Jihyo looks at her phone for probably the 10th time tonight.
I miss you.
A single text, three simple words, but why does her stomach hurt?
Twice had just returned from the Philippines the day before and Momo had sent that text almost an hour after they’d parted ways. A part of Jihyo expected it, or rather hoped for it, not that she'd ever admit it.
And so Jihyo had been obsessing over it unnecessarily, staring at the words as if they could tell her anything more. Like miss her in what way? And what did it even mean to miss her? And it’s silly, considering how Jihyo could easily get the chance to hear more from Momo if she just asked. Momo always told her more if she just asked. Momo was always more than happy to tell her more, Jihyo could always tell. She could even tell that Momo wasn't telling her everything, Jihyo's own reservations always getting in the way.
And yet, she opens her phone again, allows its soft glow to illuminate her face in the pitch darkness of the living room. The soft pitter patter of the rain both calms her down and gives her anxiety.
She sighs.
For a while now Jihyo has been thinking about her and Momo. The two were somewhat serious in their early days, but as the pressures of being an idol made life harder and somehow made Jihyo even more stubborn, she eventually broke it off, breaking both her heart and Momo’s,
But as always, Momo was understanding, no matter how much she cried that night. They would remain friends, remain in the same group, and promised no sense of animosity towards each other.
But maybe that’s what made it hard.
Jihyo had made a decision and was supposed to live with it, but at least once a year she wanted to take that decision back. She would call Momo, convince her to drink with her, and every time they’d fall into old habits, into each other’s arms, into bed, like nothing’s changed.
But last year, as Jihyo navigated who she really wanted to be, as she learned better to differentiate her needs and desires as human from those of her idol persona, Jihyo took it more seriously, the idea of her and Momo again.
And she knows Momo’s been patient with her, almost saint-like to the point that it only made the guilt feel worse.
Jeongyeon was the first one to lecture her about it, tell her about how Momo’s just been waiting for her to get her shit together. Nayeon was next, and it was the first time she’d seen her unnie so angry at her. It was the day after Momo had slept over and Jihyo refused to text her all day. Nayeon gave her an earful and forced her to video call Momo that night. Momo rolled her eyes, said it was unnecessary, but the smile on her face and the twinkle in her eyes while they talked was a sight Jihyo could never possibly remove from her mind.
And more recently, Sana had talked to her, told her that she needed to make a decision, to stop this push and pull. “We’re only getting older, Jihyo-yah,” she said softly into her hair as Jihyo cried one night, anguishing on what could have been, what could be, what could happen if she just took the plunge.
“She probably hates me,” Jihyo grumbled, holding Sana tighter and soaking her sweatshirt with tears. “I’ve been so unfair to her, I’ve always been unfair, why would she keep waiting for me?”
Sana laughed, quiet, a little incredulous and said what both Jeongyeon and Nayeon had said.
“She loves you, silly. It’s true, maybe some nights she hates you. But at the end of the day, she loves you. The question is, do you love her? Are you willing to make it work?”
And those words echo in her ears almost every night.
When she was preparing for her solo debut and Misamo prepared for their unit debut, all while touring, it was probably some of the roughest and more rewarding days in her career. She remembers hearing them crying, she remembers her own tears late at night in the dance studio. She remembers longing to be on a plane to Japan, she remembers her stomach doing flips when Momo came to her filming right after coming home from Japan. She remembers holding Momo’s hand while holding onto the mochi she bought, she remembers how she kissed Momo on the cheek, the soft dusting of blush that creeped onto her cheeks, remembers how Momo pulled her closer and claimed her lips.
“I missed you,” she whispered.
“I missed you too,” Jihyo responded, fighting to hold back tears.
Momo visited her again that night, this time in the privacy of her home. They cried in each other’s arms as they kissed and licked wounds from months of relentless practice and preparation. They wrapped around each other, over and over again, feeling complete again, feeling fulfilled.
And yet Jihyo couldn’t look at Momo when she kissed her cheek goodbye.
And yet within a week they were back at it. Jihyo’s distance, Momo’s endless patience.
A constant dance. A tiring dance.
The vibrating of Jihyo’s phone startles her out of the memory she’s relived countless times already.
I’m coming over.
“Huh?” Jihyo can’t help but blurt out, not expecting that text from Momo.
Normally, the older woman would ask. Normally, Jihyo would stare at it and take at least an hour before deciding on an answer. Usually it was a yes, but tonight, Jihyo was unsure.
She looks out the window and sees that it’s begun to rain hard. She bites her bottom lip as she types away on her phone.
It’s raining like crazy, you should stay home.
Almost immediately Momo responds.
Oh, so you do know how to reply to me?
Jihyo scoffs, though she knows she deserves that. She forgets sometimes that Momo can tell exactly when she reads her texts.
Anyway, I’m not waiting for any answers, I’m coming and it’s final.
Jihyo watches the three little dots, feels the tightness in her chest get even tighter.
We need to talk. And I know you’re home. And now I know you’re awake for sure.
Jihyo sighs, feeling her grip tighten on her phone.
Stay safe.
The next 30 minutes go by ridiculously slow. Jihyo turns on the lights, but finds herself pacing in her living room.
There’s only one thing Momo could want to talk about, but what does she want to talk about exactly? Is she going to tell Jihyo she can’t do this anymore? Is she going to tell Jihyo that she’s sick of this? Is she going to tell her that she found someone new? Is that why she’s so adamant on coming over?
The anxiety makes Jihyo want to vomit. Instead, she makes tea and hopes that the hot liquid could somehow calm her nerves. She looks down at her phone, wondering if she should ask Momo if she’s hungry. She then wonders if there’s even time to cook anything. She looks into her cabinets and checks for any ramen packets and finds exactly two cups left from their recent trip. With a relieved sigh, she turns on the kettle again and stares at the door.
The sound of numbers being punched into her door causes her to jump again, and then the tea kettle also goes off.
Momo enters her apartment, raincoat zipped all the way up and dripping a bit onto her welcome mat. Jihyo wants to immediately go over to fuss over her, but the feeling in her stomach makes it impossible to move.
Instead she stays still, frozen, and watches as Momo removes her coat and moves around her apartment like it’s second nature. Wordlessly, effortlessly, like she lives there too.
“You just going to keep staring?” Momo finally says, a slight smirk on her face when she finally turns to look at Jihyo. Her bangs and some of her hair is wet, clinging to her face. Jihyo wants to brush them aside, take a better look at Momo’s beautiful face.
Instead, she rolls her eyes before walking over to her tea kettle.
“You hungry?” she asks as Momo takes a seat at her kitchen island. “I was thinking we could have some ramen and some drinks.” She glances over at Momo, who just nods.
Jihyo pours the boiling water silently, her thoughts running at a mile a minute. Not much time is passing, but the silence from Momo is killing her. Her mind tells her that she can just ask why she’s here, get it over with, but her heart is beating so loudly that she’s afraid the sound will spill from her mouth.
“You okay, Jihyo?” Momo finally says, her face resting in her hand as Jihyo brings over their ramen cups. “You’re breathing kind of loudly,” she laughs a bit, her eyes turning into crescents and causing Jihyo’s stomach to flip.
She wants to kiss her, claim her.
Instead, Jihyo scoffs.
“Shut up,” she retorts. It’s weak, and she can’t help but smile after. “I’m just nervous, is all.”
Momo makes an affirmative noise, “So I text you, ‘I miss you’, you ignore me for most of the day, then I insist on coming over, and now I’m here. What are you nervous about?” Momo leans forward, eyebrows scrunched, ramen untouched. “What do you think I’m here for?”
Jihyo looks at her ramen, starts to stir the noodles around even though it’s too early.
“I don’t know,” she mumbles, and she knows she’s pouting a bit pathetically. “You’re probably here to yell at me for being such a dick when it comes to texting.”
“When it comes to texting?” Momo repeats a little incredulously, “You think that’s all?” Now she’s pouting too.
“Okay, when it comes to everything,” Jihyo admits, lowering her head a bit. “I don’t know, I’m just scared.”
A pause, Momo waits to hear more. But there's nothing.
Momo sighs, “Scared of what?” She finally puts her chopsticks in the ramen cup, her timing is perfect. She shakes her head, “Yes, Jihyo you can be a dick sometimes, but that’s not the reason I’m here.”
A flash of lightning goes off, followed by the roar of thunder.
Momo screams and suddenly the lights go off.
Instinctively, Jihyo rushes over to Momo and wraps her arms around her, then threads her fingers through her hair to comfort her. It all happens to fast to the point that Jihyo barely registers that she's kissing Momo's forehead. Instead, she's problem solving the sudden darkness.
“Wait, sorry Momo, let me light my candles,” Jihyo says, remembering the scented candles Sana gifted her just a month ago. But before Jihyo can walk away, Momo just pulls her closer.
“I’m not scared of the dark,” Momo says into Jihyo’s chest, rubbing her face against the softness of it. “Just stay, and I’ll be fine.”
Jihyo feels her face heat up as Momo pulls her closer, feels her fingers claw against her shirt.
“Your heart is beating insanely fast,” Momo points out, before separating enough to look up at Jihyo. Her eyes suddenly look serious, “Jihyo, what are you so afraid of?”
Jihyo gulps. Here she is in complete darkness, Momo sitting on a stool, arms wrapped around Jihyo’s waist in a vice grip. Jihyo’s grasp on Momo’s shoulders soften as she suddenly feels emotional. Momo’s gaze is intense, like she’s drilling into Jihyo’s brain trying to understand.
Jihyo isn’t so sure anymore if she’s scared Momo’s going to leave her or if she’s going to pose some kind of ultimatum. Is she ready? Will she have an answer? But how much longer is she supposed to wait? How much longer can she let this go on for?
Before Jihyo can ask herself anymore unnecessary and repetitive questions, Momo tilts her chin upwards to capture Jihyo's lips.
Jihyo curses herself for the moan she lets out in surprise as Momo kisses her. Her lips are so soft, tongue so warm, and the familiar feeling makes Jihyo feel like she’s melting. And as always, she can’t get enough. She holds Momo’s face in her hands as she deepens the kiss, causing Momo to stand up. In seconds, Momo lifts up Jihyo and effortlessly, even in the pitch darkness, carries Jihyo to the couch where they continue to make out.
Jihyo kisses Momo desperately, consuming her, tightly gripping her arms, then her waist, then her thighs, then she straddles her. She kisses her like she’s hungry and the only way to satiate her appetite was through Momo’s mouth. She kisses her like they weren’t just like this a few months ago. Even just a month always feels like it’s too long. She kisses Momo like she’s making up for lost time, like she’s scared that she's going to disappear any moment, that all of this is a dream.
Then suddenly, Momo pulls away, panting heavily as she puts a finger to Jihyo’s lips when she automatically leans forward for more.
Momo's eyes are half-lidded, her gaze dark and full of so much desire that never fails to make Jihyo’s stomach collapse in on itself. But then she notices it, the tears on the edges of Momo’s eyes.
“You kiss me like that, hold me like this, but you wait for hours before replying to me saying I miss you,” Momo murmurs, her grip on Jihyo’s shirt tight again. She sounds so sad that it kind of hurts. “Tell me Jihyo, why do you think I’m here?”
Jihyo is catching her breath, her eyes raking over Momo’s face over and over again. Lips swollen, hair a complete mess, eyes dark, but now they’re full of tears.
Maybe she was right. She just keeps making the same mistakes over and over again.
“You want this to end and this will be our last time?” Jihyo answers her slowly, eyes now big and sad, and she tries her best not to cry too.
Suddenly, Momo laughs, loudly. It startles Jihyo.
“Jihyo…” she whispers, a mix of affection and frustration hanging on tightly to her tongue. “You’re unbelievable.”
“What?” Jihyo pouts again, “It makes sense, doesn’t it? You’re tired of my emotionally constipated ass and you want to stop this nonsense between us. So, since you’re going to break up with me, you wanted to have sex one more time so we can just move on with our lives.”
“Break up? Move on?” Momo repeats before giving another eye roll, “Jihyo, we’re not even anything. There's nothing to break up or move on from, you always made sure of that.”
“That’s not true, this, us, our push and pull-”
“Don’t say that, Jihyo," Momo almost growls, her hands now gripping Jihyo's shoulders. "It’s YOUR push and pull, not mine. You know all I ever wanted was you...you were the one who always made the decision to push me away.”
Momo doesn't look away, her tearful eyes challenging Jihyo's. The younger woman's mouth opens then closes, then opens.
Jihyo takes a sharp inhale of breath before she bites her bottom lip, “E-Exactly, and that’s why you want to break up with me.”
Momo whines before lightly shaking her, “Park Jihyo! There’s nothing to break up because we were nothing to begin with!”
Silence develops between them again as Jihyo just stares at Momo with her mouth slightly open. The rain outside remains to be their sole background track, muffled lightning looming in the distance.
“Look Jihyo, if you’re worried I’m trying to end this, or give you some kind of stupid ultimatum, I’m not. I came here because I missed you and I was tired of waiting, so I put things into my own hands. I was just going to tell you that I'm going to do that more often. You’re the one who’s turning it into something more...dramatic.”
“But…" Jihyo looks away, her voice getting quieter, "But I’m sure you’re tired of all this. Aren’t you?”
Momo groans again before she throws her head back in frustration, “Jihyo, no matter what you do I always come back. Go a day without texting me? Sometimes longer? I run to you the second you’re ready to talk. You act all jumpy when we have sex before a filming and you make sure you stay away from me the whole day, yeah it hurts, but I still jump at you the next time you’re ready to fall into bed. And how long have we been doing this, almost ten years right? And you think I’m suddenly tired of this?”
“Of course!" Jihyo is quick to retaliate, everything Momo said had crossed her mind multiple times. "Because I’m indecisive and scared and stupid and it’s exhausting, I’m sure it is. I can’t just have you when I want you then push you away after. It’s unfair, you deserve so much more. So of course I think you’re tired of me and my bullshit! You can go be happy with someone else, you can find someone more stable, someone more sure.”
Momo lets out a sigh, “Can’t you see, Jihyo? Yes, some nights I’m exhausted, but at the end of a painful week of the cold shoulder, I still want you. I've always wanted you. I will always want you. And you know why, right?”
Jihyo gasps when Momo puts her hands on her face suddenly, cupping her cheeks.
“Jihyo, you know why I keep coming back to your stubborn, emotionally constipated ass, right?”
Jihyo gulps, shakes her head. “C-Cause I’m really good in bed?”
Momo pinches Jihyo’s side, causing her to yelp.
“No, you idiot. I see the way you look at me, I feel the way you make love to me, and the things you say when you’re absolutely wasted?”
She pauses, Jihyo just stares at her.
“I keep coming back to you because I’m hopelessly in love with you and every day, even when you refuse to respond to my texts or go hang out with me, I see your eyes in the mirror of the practice room, or Nayeon unnie shows me a picture of you watching me during filming. Every day I love you more and I wait patiently, endlessly, until you love me back.”
Her tears begin to flow freely this time and she pulls Jihyo close again.
“So…you’re in love with me?” Jihyo repeats lamely, wondering if maybe she’s dreaming. “Still? You’re still in love with me?”
Momo cries harder into her shirt and begins to smack her chest lightly.
“You’re an idiot, you know? An idiot! I never stopped loving you, idiot!”
Jihyo feels the tears prick the corners of her eyes as she laughs and pulls Momo closer, despite the smacking and the bruise that’s probably starting to form on her shoulder.
“You’re still in love with me,” Jihyo repeats before kissing Momo on the forehead. “You never stopped loving me.” She kisses her again, then pauses, “So you don’t hate me?”
Momo stops hitting Jihyo, her watery eyes looking at JIhyo to see if she's serious. As Jihyo just stares, waiting for an answer, Momo can't help but laugh, “Is that what you were so scared of this whole time?”
“I don’t know…" Jihyo blushes as she rubs the back of her neck, "I really just thought you’ve had enough of me and that you were ready to call this off at any given moment.”
Momo smacks Jihyo one more time, “Park Jihyo, I’m afraid I can’t possibly look at anyone else, let alone love them the way I love you. Believe me, I’ve tried.”
That causes Jihyo’s eyebrows to furrow, a small frown forming from her pout. Momo just rolls her eyes for the millionth time that night.
“Hey...you know you’re the only obstacle here right?" Momo starts, her hands now rubbing the spot she'd been hitting. "Ever since we were young, you’ve had my heart. And even when you broke it when you ended things, you still held onto it. I don’t think I’ll ever get it back. But what happens next, it’s all up to you. It’s always been up to you. You know that, right?”
Jihyo grumbles before falling into Momo, head cradled in the crook of her neck.
“I know,” she mumbles, “I know.”
The two sit like that for a while, Jihyo sitting limply in Momo’s lap as she strokes Jihyo’s hair. The sniffles from both women eventually stop and Jihyo nuzzles her face deeper into Momo’s neck. She inhales deeply, appreciating Momo's perfume before leaving soft kisses that cause Momo to giggle. With a smirk, Jihyo starts to kiss Momo more aggressively, leaving pecks on her ear, behind it, before peppering her face with smooches. Momo’s laughter rings through her ears, causing Jihyo to start tickling her, laughing too when Momo starts to twitch against the couch. Eventually, she starts to fight back and the two wrestle each other until Momo is on top, pinning Jihyo onto the couch.
Practically out of breath, the two smile at each other, eyes warm and filled with so much affection. Jihyo reaches upwards and cups Momo’s face again.
“I...I love you, too, Momo,” Jihyo says quietly, her heart swelling when Momo eyes widen in shock. “And I’m sorry it took so long, but can we try again, for real? Stay the night, and I promise to talk to you in the morning, kiss you as soon as I wake up. I’ll even cook us breakfast and announce it in the group chat before you leave for the day for your schedule.”
Momo begins to giggle happily before she starts pecking Jihyo’s face.
“Of course, this is what I’ve been waiting-”
Before Momo can finish, another thunderous roar echoes throughout the apartment, causing her to shriek and cling onto Jihyo.
Instantly, Jihyo begins to comfort her, fingers through her hair, soft kisses pressing against the creases of Momo’s brow. And then, Jihyo goes lower, claims Momo’s lips again, this time slowly, her tongue tracing delicate circles causing Momo to moan. Jihyo smiles into the kiss, her hands gliding down the side of Momo’s hips before gripping her ass, causing her to gasp.
But then Jihyo suddenly gets up, pushing Momo backwards.
“Okay, wait,” she exclaims, suddenly remembering the food on the table, “Sorry babe, but the ramen noodles have probably bloated and I know you don’t want to waste food. Let’s eat first.”
Momo groans, but gets up, following behind Jihyo towards their abandoned cup ramen. Then, a thought crosses her mind and she smirks, “Yeah, I’m going to need energy for the rest of the night.”
“Momo!” Jihyo whines, her face beet red, “Rest of the night? Don’t you have dance practice tomorrow?”
Momo shrugs, her smirk only growing wider, “Yeah, I do but you don’t, so you know what that means.”
Jihyo whimpers, knowing exactly what Momo means. Her face stays red throughout the rest of their very quick midnight snack. And as soon as they’re both done, Momo looks at Jihyo with a different kind of hunger as she tugs her towards her bedroom.