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We begin our story a few days after our last one, where Allan just finished showering, brushing his teeth, and applying his contact lenses. After putting on one of several identical ties, he walked by the bed and saw Armzo still asleep.
“Armzo?” Allan said, shaking him. “Wake up. It’s almost time for work.”
“Really?” The turquoise critter opened his eyes. “I didn’t hear the alarm.”
“Well, you do have hearing problems sometimes from your opioid history,” said Allan.
“Huh?” Said Armzo. “Oh, right.” He sat up, yawned, and stretched his six arms. “Better get my uniform. How was last night, by the way?”
Allan smiled. “Last night was amazing!” He said. “How’d you learn to do all that?”
“Practice,” said Armzo. “I did a few pornos back in the day. They said I had a gift.”
“Six arms is a gift-uh,” said Allan, headed towards the door. “I don’t know if I’d like to be one of six guys, though.”
Allan opened the door, only to find Mr. Landlord there again. “Hello, Allan!” He said. “I was just wondering if…”
"No.” Allan pushed past him and headed towards the elevator. “Ask Armzo.”
“Armzo?” Mr. Landlord peeked in the door frame. “Oh wait, YOU’RE the one with the unfair advantage on the con-TROLL-er, aren’t you?”
“And you’re still stalking my boyfriend, aren’t you?” Said Armzo, pointing at him with his three right hands. “Don’t make me lay several punches on you, man. I’ve got a record!” He made fisticuffs with all of his hands.
“Suit yourself!” Mr. Landlord left and shut the door.
“Bitch.” Armzo got out of bed and very quickly made it. “Now, where’s my bowtie?”
In the break room of Smiling Friends, Glep was updating the company’s website on a laptop while Pim and Charlie were waiting for their next assignment. Since Allan was checking supplies in the back with his headphones on, he wasn’t there to hear their conversation.
“I mean,” said Pim, “I never knew he was, but I also never knew he wasn’t.”
“Rebba skeert dee ribbity yay!” Glep chimed in.
“Oh yeah,” said Pim, “he probably didn’t even know. I heard that happens a lot.”
“Oh, I knew!” Said Charlie.
“Why?” Said Pim. “Was it the, um, nose thing?”
“More than that,” said Charlie. “I mean, remember when we got him off that crucifix and I had to carry him? Well, it was just the way he clung to me, you know? Like a kitten.”
“Awww!” Pim clasped his hands together. “That’s so adorable, Charlie.”
“What? No!” Charlie shook his head. “I mean, I wasn’t into that at all!”
Glep rolled his eyes. “Wazoo gibby nayuh dem.”
Sure enough, Mr. Boss kicked in the door with another assignment for the guys. “Hello, boys!” He said. “Guess who gets to go to the beach today?”
“Yaaay!” Pim flapped his arms.
“Hold on, Pim!” Charlie put up his hand. “I mean, the beach is great and all, but there’s probably a catch.” He turned to Mr. Boss. “This isn’t about Rotten the Snowman-turned-beach-wave, is it? I mean, there were bodies everywhere after that.”
“Oh no, nothing like that!” Said Mr. Boss. “This is something a lot more fun. You’ll see.”
While stocking shelves at Office Crap, Armzo hoped he could work in peace this time. He had an audition later that night, so he practiced his lines in his head. He wondered if his bit part as one of the villain’s henchmen in, Mr. Frog vs. The Octomen would be his big break, as well as how much CGI would be involved to improve his appearance. Hopefully, Armzo wouldn’t be bothered today.
“Hey, Armzo!” The armless boss came up to him. “You doing okay?”
“Sure,” said Armzo, still stacking label printer cartridges. “Can’t complain, you know.”
“Good,” said the boss. “Because I was wondering if…”
"What? Wondering what?” Armzo stopped stacking and started gesturing. “Are you saying you’re gonna fire me because I’m gay? Huh?”
“What? No!” Said the boss. “That’s against policy! Anyway, keep stacking.”
“I will!” Armzo went back to work. “So, you still wanna ask me something?”
“Well,” said the boss, “I mean, you and the red hot dog guy. What do you do?”
“Hang out, mostly,” said Armzo. “He’s always coming up with an excuse when he’s losing at video games.”
“No,” said the boss. “I mean… you know. Like, with your six arms?”
“Oh,” Armzo said, not looking at him. “You mean when we fuck, right?” He smiled. “Yeah, he loves it. We play this game called Spider & Fly. I’m the spider, of course.” He compared price tags. “Anyway,” he continued, “I tie him to the bed, right? Like he’s caught in a web. Then I just drain him every way I can think of, you know? Make him come until he can’t anymore.” He looked at one of the cartridges. “Wait, is this fucking magenta?”
As the boss walked away, Armzo let out a sigh of relief. Sorting out cartridge colors, he thought of just how lucky he was. Even if his dreams of movie stardom didn’t come true, having someone to come home to was more valuable than all the paperclips in the world. Even the giant novelty ones displayed in front.
Meanwhile, at the beach, Pim, Charlie, Allan and Glep were picking up trash while wearing President Frog T-shirts. Since President Frog needed damage control after he ate Mr. Beast in a cameo performance, the beach cleanup seemed like a great way to repair his image yet again.
“This is great, Charlie!” Pim said as he put some plastic cups into a bag. “I love helping the environment!” He skipped around and sang: Picking up trash, picking up trash/ I like, I like picking up trash…
“Jesus Christ, Pim.” Charlie shook his head and tossed things in his bag. “Glep, you doing okay with the smaller stuff?”
“Zip zebba derp yib zagga weebo!” Glep tossed things angrily into his tiny bag while caught in a set of plastic soda can rings. “Plez krezza yoh…”
“What the fuck?” Allan picked up a half-empty Crime Energy Drink bottle. “Ewww, that’s disgusting!”
“No it isn’t, bro!” A hairy muscular critter voiced by Logan Paul showed up out of nowhere. “By the way, hot dog man, you should go to the gym and learn how to lift.”
Allan gave him the side-eye and said, “I hate this guy.” He tossed the bottle in the trash bag and walked off.
“Keep picking up that trash, boys!” Mr. Boss said as he sat in a beach chair drinking a cocktail. “Ahhh, this is the life.”
“You said it!” Former President Jimble said, sitting next to him. “I love my God, I love my country, and… wait, what country is this?”
“So, anyway,” said Charlie to Allan, “I mean, I’m glad you’ve come to terms with your sexuality, but are you sure about that Armzo guy? He seems kinda toxic.”
“He’s pretty intense.” Allan inspected a plastic spork for some reason before tossing it in his bag. “It’s worth it, though.”
“What is?” Said Charlie. “The sex?”
“Charlie!” Allan turned to him.
“Ah, I knew it!” Said Charlie. “He’s great in bed, isn’t he? Must be a Scorpio.”
“I don’t be-lieve in astrology,” said Allan. “Also, he’s not; he’s an Aries.” He continued with the garbage. “Anyway, it’s none of your business.”
“Ah, gotcha.” Charlie pointed at Allan with a finger gun. “Whatever, man. You do you.”
“Hey!” The hairy critter said to Charlie. “Wanna buy some crypto?”
“Nah, man, I’m good,” Charlie replied. “I might wanna try some of that energy drink, though.”
Back at his apartment, Allan was surprised to come home to Armzo and Mr. Landlord playing Burnout Revenge inside of a huge cloud of pot smoke. Allan waved away smoke and coughed. “What the fuck?”
“Oh good, Allan’s home!” Said Mr. Landlord. “Finally, someone who doesn’t BOGART all the WEED!”
“Hey, man!” Said Armzo, smoking a joint while playing and drinking diet soda at the same time. “You snooze, you lose.”
“Armzo, why are you back so early?” Allan said. “Didn’t you have an audition?”
“Yeah, but they already picked someone,” said Armzo. “Something about raw, bad boy energy or something.”
“Okay.” Allan looked at his phone. “Wait!” His eyes widened. “Turn on the news!”
“Oh, all right.” Armzo quickly turned off the game console and let the television come back on. “Better luck next time, huh?”
Mr. Landlord grumbled as he gathered his things. The worm anchors on television appeared for a breaking news story.
“This just in,” said Wendy Worm. “There’s been another tidal wave at a Pennsylvania beach, this time hitting a group of volunteer trash collectors.”
“Gasp!” Said Allan, saying the actual word.
“However, it seems that no one was hurt – except for one person, who suffered severe nausea and heart palpitations from an energy drink that was recalled last year.”
“Yeah, that stuff will kill you if you mix it with alcohol,” said Armzo. “Allan, you okay?”
“Hello, Pim??” Allan was already on his phone. “Did you see the news? Is Charlie okay?”
“Yeah, I think so,” said Pim. “They pumped his stomach and everything. He should be out by morning.”
“Good,” said Allan. “We’ve got an assignment next week with a real nutcase-uh. Charlie’s the only one who can restrain him.”
“Hey, man!” Said Armzo. “That’s ableist, you know. Not everyone is as high functioning as you are.”
“Right you are, Armzo!” Said Mr. Landlord.
“Will you two shut up?” Said Allan. “I’m trying to talk here!”
“Wait, what’d you say?” Armzo stood up. “Get outta here, Landlord. Allan and I need to settle things.”
Back at Smiling Friends headquarters, Allan and Armzo were having yet another couple’s therapy discussion. They had been having these discussions almost every day, and even Pim was starting to lose his optimism.
“Okay, so…” Pim sat on a chair that faced opposite the two chairs where Allan and Armzo were sitting. “Basically, you’re still arguing over which one of you is worse?”
Allan and Armzo started shouting their side at the same time – first to Pim, then at each other. “He still can’t get his shit together!” Said Allan. “It would be easier if you weren’t such a dick about it!” Said Armzo. “You’re the asshole here!” “No, you’re the asshole!” Said Allan. “I was just—"
“Stop! Stop!” Pim said, holding out his hands. He took out a pad and pencil. “Now,” he said, “one at a time, please. Allan, you start, since we’re going alphabetical.”
"Okay,” said Allan. “As I was say-ing, I was just coming home earlier from the beach because I didn’t feel like hanging out with that weird energy drink sociopath. Then I come home, only to find Armzo with the land-lord…”
“With the landlord??” Pim said.
“We were playing video games, Pim.” Said Armzo.
“Oh, I see.” Pim blushed.
“This is stupid.” Armzo got up and turned his back, crossing his six arms. “Ever since I moved in with you, Allan, it’s been the same shit. Every day.”
“I’m just trying to be reasonable!” Said Allan.
“Look,” said Pim, “maybe it was a mistake for you two to move in together. I know the economy is tough and all, but putting a strain like this on your mental health will be more costly in the long run.”
“You mean we should break up?” Said Allan.
“Not necessarily!” Said Pim. “Just have separate living spaces, at least for now. Armzo?” He turned to him. “Is your old apartment still vacant?”
“Yeah,” he said. “It should be open once they remove the crime scene tape.”
“See?” Pim said. “That’s perfect!”
“Well, it would be,” said Armzo, “but I’m still way behind on bills because of that dialysis last month. And if I can’t—” His phone rang. “Excuse me, one minute.”
As Armzo spoke on the phone, Allan facepalmed. “I don’t know how much longer I can take this,” he said.
“Well, you know,” Pim said in a hushed tone, “he does seem to have a lot of baggage.”
“Yeah,” Allan said, “but he actually does care. More than anyone else I’ve been with. Women like me for my looks, but then they leave because of my personali-ty. Most of the one-night stands were actually just them leaving me that fast-uh.”
“Oh wow, that’s not good,” said Pim. “Ummm…”
“Hey, guys, guess what?” Armzo put his phone away. “You know that gig on the Mr. Frog spinoff with Mr. Bug? I just got the part as Mr. Spider, the main antagonist!”
“Oh, wow!” Said Allan. “That’s great!” Said Pim.
“Yeah, man!” Said Armzo. “My money troubles are finally gonna be over, so I can move back out!”
“Thank God!” Said Allan.
“You said it, babe.” Armzo kissed Allan. “Hey, you wanna celebrate?” He took out some ropes. “Who’s my silly little fly, huh?”
And so, another happy ending – in more ways than one – came true for the Smiling Friends. Armzo got his apartment back from the authorities, Charlie received a big settlement from the Crime Energy Drink company, and Mr. Boss almost went on a vacation with Former President Jimble to Brazil before they learned that Jimble was still banned from the country.
“But I booked the hotel and everything!” He said to Mr. Boss at the terminal. “Anyway, you gonna finish those fries?”