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I always thought there was something wrong with me; I never loved anyone, romantically at least. I’ve never cried over a boy, or even care about them. This wasn’t a big deal for me because not being into a boy for me meant I wasn’t into anyone. Which meant I haven’t found the right one yet.
With the little time my parents visited my brother and I, they began picking at the fact I haven’t gotten a boyfriend yet when I got into high school. My brother had a boyfriend, and it was actually quite a surprise when I saw what she was like; the girl was short with dark curls barely touching her shoulders— glasses too, I heard she was good with grades and honestly a huge nerd. I’m not saying I don’t like her, I just thought my brother would be more picky with how… ‘misogynistic’ he seems to be.
He’s dated a couple girls in the past, they’re always those easy popular girls that became cheerleaders once he got onto the football team. They’ve last awhile, though.
I’m glad he found love.
I’m a proud younger sister.
They dated (their) freshman year until the middle of junior, that’s when we had to move for one of my father’s new job opportunities. That poor girl was heartbroken, I did enjoy her company. I remember how depressed my brother was too; he had dead eyes for months. I remember the days he was pale as if the life was sucked out of him, I never actively saw him cry but I remember his read eyes and sniffles; looking as if he were sick.
I remember one time in the middle of the night I woke up, my throat was dry and the taste of copper lingered in my mouth so I went to get some water. The balcony light was on and I watched through the glass as smoke escaped his lips; Of course I immediately went out there and snatched it from him— throwing it off the balcony.
“Addy,” He sighed.
“Don’t ‘Addy’ me. You’re going to turn out like mom if you keep-“
“Don’t talk about her.” He cut me off.
“I’m being serious.” My eyes narrow.
“You think you can talk? You’re just like dad!” He snapped.
“What?”
“You don’t think I know you drink when you go out with your friends— or even here? At least clean up your mess.” He ran a hand through his hair and sighed.
There’s silence
1
2
3
Then there’s yelling.
“I know we’re moving okay, but you will find another girl just like her!”
“There is nobody else like her!” He yells, his voice going hoarse
I stare and he lowers his voice.
“She was my only chance at love, you don’t understand,”
“Yes I do—“
“No you don’t, you don’t love anyone. You’re always hanging out with ‘Pearl’.” He rolled his eyes.
I wince and look away.
He raises a brow and looks back at me.
“Adyline—… Oh. Oh.”
“Adyline…” He mutters, pulling me in for a hug.
I didn’t expect my brother to ‘accept’ me, but I guess life is full of surprises…?
Why did I say ‘accept’.
I don’t like girls.
—
Pearl.
Her name brings back so many good memories.
It was the first day of freshman year, she was a sophomore; I had some classes with her and it began with admiring her from afar.
I had some friends, we were all just some normies; I was told I’d fit in with the popular girls, but their personalities are the worst. Besides, I’d only fit in because of my looks— Of course I’m thankful for being… ‘attractive’…? but that’s not all there is to having a good life.
Pearl was the embodiment of confidence, and that may cause you to envision her to be one of the popular girls but she was not. Her style was unique from the rest of the basic girls in our school— and she didn’t give a damn. I admired it. Her hair was long all the way down to her hips but looked so taken care of; I loved the different styles it was always put up in too.
This girl always loved looking her best, she was super tall— had to be over 5’8. I was a couple inches shorter than her at the time, I’m about 5’9 now.
She was skinny, really nice pale legs. She lacked in the chest and ass and that was exactly what I wanted.
Or wanted to look like…
Right?
I envied Pearl Reeds; I wish I didn’t at the time.
But now I wish that was all I felt.
—
After a month into the school year, I was assigned a partner project with Pearl and that’s how we ended up becoming best friends.
We actually had a lot in common, and whatever we didn’t we shaped each other’s personalities to like it eventually.
My brother always hung out with his girlfriend, I always hung out with Pearl.
But good things never last, obviously.
—
“We’re moving away next month, I got a new job opportunity.” My selfish father runs a hand through his hair
“What?!” My brother yells and stands up from his chair, slamming his hands on the table.
“Dad, this is ridiculous!” I stay in my chair.
“You can’t just make us move away— you barely see us to begin with!”
I wince at my brother’s words, my father’s expression is cold as he clenches his jaw.
“You’ll find another girl, hopefully someone better than her, son.” He laughs. “What have I taught you?”
“Nothing! You have taught us both nothing, because you weren’t there!” My brother yells with his chest.
My father stands up. “Watch your damn tone with me, I’ll pop the shit out of that cocky mouth of yours.”
“Oh, for telling the truth?”
My father slaps him across the face and I look away.
My brother pushes him harshly and storms out of the house, the door slamming loudly.
My father looks at me and I storm upstairs to my room and slam the door.
—
My love for my parents is bipolar, I always love them when they visit my brother and I; The way they try to catch up with us having bright smiles like they care.
But then they leave and I hate them all over again— maybe not actually ‘hate’… It’s just tiring to have someone you love leave you like it was nothing, especially your own parents.
So, I never make myself vulnerable to anybody.
I never did.
Except for my brother and Pearl.
Because my brother would never leave me obviously, and he’s always there for me whenever I need him; he’s truly the best brother I could ask for.
And Pearl definitely wouldn’t leave, she’s my best friend. We’ll be together forever.
But leave it to me to ruin it.
—
This is the part now where I actually mention the main part of my story, my friendship with Pearl Reeds.
I work in the same job complex as my brother, and he’s always talking with his colleague; it’s so weird because he reminds me exactly like his old girlfriend… It’s even weirder that I have never seen him smile so brightly, and the amount of life in his eyes since her.
His new little friend isn’t bad, I enjoy his company. I really love pearls, pearl necklaces, bracelets… You name it; I’m always wearing some kind of pearl jewelry. And I remember my brother’s friend asked me one time— such a simple question but has such a complex answer.
“Why do you love pearls so much?”
My brother looked at him,
looked at me.
“They look nice. I guess.” I shrug.
“Oh.”
He was so oblivious to the fact that there was a whole story behind this question.
—
Pearl and I had been friends since freshman year, but were moving now; I decide to invite her over one last time before I begin packing my boxes.
We’re standing outside on the balcony with our arms draped over the frigid balcony, our elbows touching as we laughed about the stupid school jocks and popular girls. Her dark brown eyes are so big and bright, her jawline sharp and cheekbones high; she’s gorgeous.
The whole reason I was going to see her one last time was to confess to her. Maybe even kiss her. It was tough to deny my love for her, but it’s been a year since I started feeling this way— which was basically our whole friendship.
“So, you’re really moving huh?” I could tell she was a bit upset, but her smile was so big and she shook my arm. I love how she was always so optimistic about everything, it brought out the best and worst in me.
“Yup, I’m going to miss you so much.” I playfully pouted and she laughed. A beautiful laugh that I could listen to on repeat.
“You’re going to make a bunch of friends, and forget all about me. You’ll be fine Adyline.” She brushed a piece of hair behind my ear, gazing down at me and I see how lively and innocent her eyes are. She’s such an angel.
She lifts her arm, shaking the pearl bracelet on her arm. “You’ll always have a piece of me with you.”
I hold up the my arm, the pearl bracelet on my wrist shaking slightly.
They’re both the same bracelet except for the half heart piece on them to complete us, mine is white and hers is black.
She tilts her head and I now realize how close her face really is to mine; It’s the perfect moment for me to lean in and…
I kiss her.
I kissed a girl.
She looks at me in disgust.
“I don’t like girls…” She winces.
“Oh. I’m sorry-“
“I should go.”
“I don’t like girls, I just like you. I really like you… I…” I can’t use that word. No. I bite my tongue.
“I’m sorry Adyline… This is weird.” She opens the balcony door and I watch the way her black skirt flows at her ankles.
•
I follow behind her.
“Pearl, wait— please.”
My brother and his girlfriend walk out of his room, his hand is on her waist.
She’s confused.
My brother isn’t.
I stand there, and hear the front door shut from downstairs. Pearl is gone. I ruined it. I look at his hand on her waist; they can love each other with no shame and I hate it. I sniffle and go to my room, slamming the door as hard as I can.
—
I stare at the alarm clock on my nightstand, hear it click each second as my pillow becomes damp from my tears. It is 11:56 PM and I’ve been staring at this clock for almost an hour straight now; I can’t sleep because I can’t forget my actions and the guilt in my stomach. Why did I kiss her? I shouldn’t have made her so uncomfortable— I feel like a horrible person.
The doorknob clicks and opens. I continue to stare at the clock because I know it’s my brother, I hear the sound of his footsteps and he sits down on the bed next to me.
“Get out.” I mumble.
“Did you kiss her?” He asks dryly.
I grip my blanket tightly and he sighs.
“Would you at least look at me?” He scoffs, I sit up and look at him. I can feel the mascara on my cheeks from my tears; he winces.
I think of my brother’s girlfriend and how strangely normal she was when I saw them earlier. Then it clicks.
“You haven’t told her yet, have you?”
His eyes widen in surprise. “I’ll tell her before she leaves tonight.”
“It’s already late,” I sigh. “You’re going to get that little christian girl in trouble.”
He laughs.
I smile.
—
I’m here now. a grown woman who cares too much about her looks, an alcohol problem, and working in an office because I quit modeling.
I watch my brother talk and laugh with the friend from work like he’s known him for years.
He still reminds me so much of my brother’s old girlfriend.
Oh well.
“Can I get another drink?” I ask the bartender and point to my glass.