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“The face my husband loves isn’t mine. Nor are the eyes he looks into. The body that he worships so, and the heart that beats for him are not my own. The dead man’s lips are kissing his. And who am I if not a lie?”  

Shen Qingqiu felt it the moment he woke up in this world. He felt torn between worlds; A thin phantasmatic piece of paper. His entire being was separate as if split down the middle so perfectly, everything he felt was delayed. Where he ended and where he began sat parallel like glass panes, staring at one another

The sensations he felt in his bones and against his skin. The sun tickled the tip of his nose and caressed his eyelids in the early morning. It felt like it took a second to register what he was experiencing, a delay between sound and light. It was like a thin barrier covered his body, reminding him he was there yet not at all. 

There wasn’t a single thing that Qingqiu connected to here, not even the sky he looked up at for long moments before bed. Heaving a heavy sigh that felt so compacted in his chest that he’d explode. Nothing was his, even himself wasn’t him anymore. 

For a while, the sensations of his body got accustomed to the distance, and it caused no disturbance whatsoever. But sometimes when Qingqiu would fix his clothing, brush his hair back with deft fingertips, or bathe himself in the early morning. He felt the way his skin rubbed against itself and the way his locks felt fake betwixt his fingertips. 

At first, it didn’t matter, not really. His goal entirely was to stay alive and lead the main protagonist down a different path. One of peace and happiness, one Shen Qingqiu got to live to appreciate. 

When he had stabbed Luo Binghe all those years ago, scarring his heart permanently as he fell into the Endless Abyss. Shen Qingqui refused to even look in the reflection of the water as he bathed or passed by mirrors in his quarters. But now that it was over he could sit and enjoy the view without the pressure of impending doom coming his way but it never brought him true peace. 

But as the system quieted down with each accomplishment, and each task took longer and longer to reach a conclusion Shen Qingqiu was left to think about himself. He had to sit and wonder who he was under all this, even underneath his bare skin. 

He’d like to remember the times before this when he rejected any piece of his true self coming to light. He had gotten the OOC function a long while ago and yet he felt like if he did anything that changed who Shen Jiu was, he’d see the world he had gotten accustomed to crumble before him and swallow him whole.

Even the fear of one day forgetting to turn his head at the call of “his” name overwhelmed him. 

Sitting outside on a bamboo bench handcrafted by whatever servant Luo Binghe had hired, Shen Qingqiu sighed with lungs that weren’t his. Letting the sun kiss his skin and the breeze flutter his hair in soft waves. Not often would he let himself out without getting properly dressed, his hair was down completely with a single outer robe covering his form. But sometimes he yearned to sit and let the view in the distance let him slip away momentarily.

Nights with Luo Binghe often would lead to their robes and sashes strewn across the floor and the only thing close and clean would be the outermost robes. Where Luo Binghe would ravage him until he felt that he was being torn into two. 

Even now, he’s not used to the weight of fabric from the layers of clothes he wore, but here on the bench in front of his home. He felt at ease. 

“Shizun?”

The familiar warmth of his voice echoed through the house, getting closer to the front door. Luo Binghe emerged head first in the doorway, peaking back and forth before his curious eyes met Qingqiu’s own. 

They softened, his cheeks rising like bread as he bounced with each step before sitting next to his wife. Instantly pulling Qingqiu close, nosing at his neck as if he’d been starved for days, teeth grazing the skin slightly. 

“Shizun, I was looking for you,” When Binghe pulled away he let his hands roam across Qingqius's chest, pulling the fabric of his robe further down to see the bite mark he had left the night before.

“I made you breakfast, but you were gone,” His fingers linger, running along the bruise.

Per usual the waterworks had already begun and the day had barely begun. How Binghe managed to get anything done as a Demon Ruler still surprised Qingqiu. He cries and sobs like this every second for hours before disappearing into his office, turning into the capable disciple Shen Qingqiu raised him to be.

Surprisingly, however, his tears have over time slowly dried up. Less and less has Qingqiu seen true tears well in Luo Binghe’s eyes and fall down his supple cheeks, but they’d still get all big and glossy. Begging for whatever attention he wanted. 

Before, those doe eyes would irritate him at first, noting their fake emotions, but now? It seemed maybe Qingqiu had allowed himself to soften around the edges when he was with Luo Binghe. The only person he didn’t have to impress or act for, not when he was here in the comfort of his home. 

Qingqiu’s hand cupped his face, a thumb swiping the fake tear away, 

“I just wanted to sit outside, Binghe,” It was as Shang Qinghua had said when he interviewed them. Shen Qingqiu was like a teacher comforting a child. He knew he spoiled him way more than that, more than he’d admit to Qinghua. 

And he loved to comfort him too. It reminded him of the simple days when he’d protect Xiao Binghe; Waking up to see Binghe’s food placed in front of him as they ate and talked idly. Even now, he could picture the silhouette of the lotus boy. It felt like he was making up for all those mornings he lost when Binghe was in the abyss whenever he coddled and comforted Binghe.

Luo Binghe couldn’t take this side of Qingqiu. The side that openly expressed his love for him, green eyes soft and focusing purely on him. It’s what he wanted of course, but he didn’t think he’d get this side of his Shizun. Not ever. Yet he accepted it fervently.

But even when Qingqiu saw this warmth, this love for him. He felt bitterness fill his mouth with a film that would never leave. Even as he pressed a soft kiss to Luo Binghe’s lips. Smiling, he felt Binghe try to press further, attempting to wedge his tongue into his mouth. 

It was a mess, the saliva coated his lips awkwardly but Qingqiu only kissed Luo Binghe’s tongue before he stood up. He stopped minding accepting sloppy desperate kisses. His attention was on the dull ache in his lower back as he chuckled to himself, 

“Let’s eat”

Luo Binghe tore his eyes to Qingqiu’s backside, pouting, “Shizun am I still that bad?”

Qingqiu didn’t want to face him as he spoke. A flush rose from his neck and onto his ears. He didn’t want to admit that Luo Binghe had improved graciously, he was just a little eager, “We can practice after we eat… Husband ” 

The name rolled off his tongue smoother than the other times he had been begged to say them. Most times he uttered the words ‘husband’ it was while Binghe was splitting him apart and latching onto his nipples as if it served a purpose. Recently he’s been mixing the name within his everyday speech. He refused to admit that the sound of the words coming out of his mouth, even after a year of being betrothed,  made his heart race, dare say it made him utterly happy.

But then the thoughts came back to him when they ate across from one another. It kept Qingqiu silent, more than he usually is. And it was hard to hide the way his features scrunched up without his fan that helped mask who he was underneath all this. 

It was impossible to hide the cracks in his identity. Qingqiu felt that any day now the real him would emerge and the person he’d be would be unrecognizable to the man in front of him. 

Would it even matter then? Would Luo Binghe love him and cry and beg to be loved by his dear Shizun had he not looked like Shizun at all? Would he believe that Shen Qingqiu had left him once again and left this imposter behind in his stead? 

Shen Yuan had faced his death plenty of times before this. The idea that his original life was gone, whatever he had been doing before this world meant nothing. But there were days his mind would wander off and count how long it would take for him to come home. Unable to fathom what he’d do if he came home.

The idea of leaving never came to mind again once he hit that certain threshold. When he was desperate to save the person he loved, holding a heavy Binghe on his back and dragged him through the Holy Mausoleum. He was determined to sacrifice his eternity just to keep Luo Binghe alive.

Even as he felt his flesh slowly being eaten away by the plant, growing so close to his heart. He was determined to drag Luo Binghe miles away if it meant he would be safe. Even if he knew Binghe wouldn’t be harmed, his plot armor left him invincible. 

That fear rested below his heart, it swelled there and some days it felt like he could feel the system deteriorating who he was before this. The fear of being who he was terrified him, but it scared him even more to imagine Shen Jiu taking over his entire body. 

“Luo Binghe,” Qingqiu had spoken up. 

The look he had gotten in return was one all too familiar. One that reminded him of when Luo Binghe was so small and his eyes were too big for his head, with huge beautiful curls framing his face. That alone made his lips curl up. 

“Shizun?” He didn’t need to speak anymore, Shen Qingqiu knew that Luo Binghe thought he was in trouble. His broad shoulders fell and became smaller, as he almost avoided eye contact. Yet he couldn’t help but face his entire body towards Qingqiu, eagerly awaiting the punishment.

“Don’t worry,” Qingqiu had reassured, “Shizun was curious is all,”

Luo Binghe, as usual, took whatever Shen Qingqiu gave him happily. Even if he was scolded, he’d be happy either way, “I’ll tell you everything, what’s your question?” 

Qingqiu felt the need to put his hands over Luo Binghe’s own, letting his smaller fingers entwine with the others' bigger and thicker ones.

The words that lingered on the tip of his tongue burned him on the way out, “What if Shizun was ugly? Would you love me then?” 

Binghe had said he loved everything about Shen Qingqiu without hesitation. Would that change if he was any different from the one he knew?

Luo Binghe didn’t need to think about it, “Impossible” he stated matter-of-factly. 

“Shizun is always beautiful because he is Shizun.” He smiled, small and thin-lipped. 

“What if I was? What if Shizun had rough skin or dark eyes? What if I was… different? ” 

Shen Qingqiu had been vulnerable with Luo Binghe fewer times than he could count on his fingers, he hadn’t been through anything. In comparison, Luo Binghe’s hardships surpassed a group of twenty people combined. And more times Binghe has cried and opened up about his deep secrets that Qingqiu felt too spoiled to know about. 

But now it felt like he was teetering the edge of too far. It felt unfair to be this emotional over the truth of who he was, not after what he’s done. How unfair a world to grant him a life like this, a person who loved him.

Luo Binghe was in thought. The seconds felt like hours and with each one, Shen Qingqiu felt his teeth gnawing harder at his lips. His perfect lips were ripped apart and blistering but instantly replaced with new flesh as if nothing had happened. 

“Shizun would be Shizun, so I’d still love you” 

Luo Binghe said it so nonchalantly, letting their hands stay entwined on the table as he continued to eat. 

It left Shen Qingqiu in thought. But it didn’t last for long before Binghe had perked up. His head tilted in concern. 

“Is the food not good?” 

He had forgotten it was there. Too lost in his head.

“It’s great,” Qingqiu couldn’t help but chuckle but his mind was wandering. 

Luo Binghe wasn’t a liar, not when it came to the feelings he had for Shen Qingiu at least. Qingqiu didn’t doubt he was telling the truth, but there was a difference between the hypothetical answer and the real answer. 

Everything could be fine, but everything could also not be fine. And that small possibility that things could go wrong overtook Shen Qingqiu more than the great possibility that things could go right. 

He wanted a distraction, he wanted Luo Binghe to beg for him. To remind him that he was wanted and needed. That Luo Binghe did love him. That he needed to breathe with him in order to live, in order to exist. 

He was a cruel man who took and took. But Binghe was a man who gave until he could no more. The cycle of this love was tantalizing and left Qingqiu drunk on it.

Shen Qingqiu wanted to know that when Binghe closed his eyes and kissed him, he was kissing Shen Yuan. So he had no shame when he said,

“Husband… let’s practice now” 

Whenever Luo Binghe and Shen Qingqiu kissed it was either a quick, hushed, or hidden thing. Hiding behind his fan whenever in public, something to satiate Binghe’s eagerness, or in the comfort of their bedroom. 

The bedroom was Shen Qingqiu’s favorite place to kiss. Every kiss shared here was open and honest. Shen Qingqiu would sigh and let out every pressure of being a sect leader, being someone so grand and thought unreachable. Yet here, within Luo Binghe’s embrace, he had no appearances to uphold. 

Luo Binghe’s favorite thing to do was the buildup, something that should’ve been comforting. But it wasn’t, not to Qingqiu at least. 

For a while, there was this annoyance and anger inside of himself whenever they were intimate. It wasn’t the idea of kissing Luo Binghe, nor was it the action that irked him so. There was something that bubbled under the surface that made him want to ‘ nope’ out of the situation completely. Yet another something yearned hungrily for this, his two selves at a standstill. 

Laying on top of Qingqiu, without all his weight he covered him completely. Binghe would run his fingers across Qingqiu’s face. He’d brush strands of hair out of his face and with soft lips he’d kiss his Shizun’s eyelids as deft thumbs ran circles over Qingqiu’s cheekbones. 

“Shizun” Luo Binghe would say hushed, Qingqiu only needed to hear it, no one else. 

“A-Luo…” Qingqiu flushed, “I told you to not call me Shizun in bed” 

“Your eyes are so beautiful,” Binghe would continue.

And it was the same now, the same hushed words and delicate press of lips against his skin.

The flip in Qingqiu’s stomach wasn’t from butterflies, it was from a sort of disgust settled in the pit of his stomach.

The first discrepancy Shen Yuan realized was his eyes. Sure his entire self had been changed within a matter of seconds but the one thing he was used to seeing was his eyes. The one thing that he accepted were those deep brown orbs that had deep eye bags under them. 

Not these lighter jade orbs with a different shape and no eye bags in sight. It was alien to see himself look so pristine. As if every night he slept he was completely reborn. Those eyes he had imagined doing and seeing the most terrible things. 

Things Shen Yuan had begun to loathe. When someone saw him they saw many things, they saw his beauty and his status. They saw power undulating beneath the surface, bubbling there with just a threat. They saw empty green pools of the endless abyss that had harmed so many and never once apologized for it.

The sad thing is no one expected him to.

Shen Yuan saw someone completely devoid of life that was so different from his own in every way. 

He could get past everything else, he accepted this is just what he had to deal with. This is what he looked like now. And to hide the fear that ate at him from the inside, he fluttered his fan over his face and acted as superior as he was supposed to be.

But those eyes had met so many. They had bewitched Binghe who had been lost often in his sights. It felt wrong to see someone so young, and fragile get lost in those eyes. Binghe’s own warm and full of love that had met his so many times. 

For as many times as Binghe had met his gaze, Shen Qingqiu avoided three. At first, it was a small joke inside of himself, the one that told himself that Luo Binghe did not and could not love him. He had so many others who had that job, he couldn’t be one of them. Shen Jiu shouldn’t have been one of them. 

But then it turned into something he couldn’t refuse to return. For so long he had never wanted to see Luo Binghe cry, nor had he ever wanted to let the reason be him (ironically it seemed he was the sole reason for his tears). So he couldn’t just let Binghe’s eyes well up, eyes twinkling as large droplets fell down his cheeks leaving searing red streaks in their wake. 

Shen Qingqiu had to give in to his favorite disciple. 

When they married, it was even harder to look away from Binghe. It was the happiest he’d ever been and that feeling was hard to shake, filling into his bones until he felt stronger than ever.

It was a giant reminder of everything he did. Their home in the demon realm mirrored the room he had taken ownership of. The colors that adorned his robes and the gems embedded in most of their furniture, painted onto the walls, and embroidered into their blankets were supposed to mirror those eyes. 

When Luo Binghe would take Qingqiu on walks through their courtyard he’d point to the pond of koi fish they had. The water was a shade of sea green, rippling in darker shades of teal. Tucking a loose strand of hair behind his ear and leaning in to whisper, 

“Your eyes look the same, don’t they Shizun?” 

Shen Qingqiu would nod silently. Adding with a curt smile, “But not as beautiful as your eyes, A-Luo”

Luo Binghe’s cheeks would flush a similar shade as his eyes, he’d hide in his hands before accepting the compliment so instantly. Binghe had a talent for acting like a maiden, not expecting anything but accepting everything, feigning shy, secretly eager.

“Shizun! You can’t say these things without warning!” 

He wouldn’t say anything more after. And it comforted Shen Qingqiu to think about something else that wasn’t “him” .

But those thoughts flooded back as they sat in the precipice of his worry. Green was everywhere, in the grass and bamboo planted outside. And even in their room, through Luo Bignhe’s eyes, he found the cascading of green against his face as the sun shone in. Reflecting in his eyes back to Qingqiu. 

Green, green, green.

“Binghe,” Qingqiu let a deep breath out. Letting the excuse of Luo Binghe’s massive body on top of him as the reason. 

Binghe’s eyebrows furrowed in annoyance at the name. Qingqiu couldn’t push back the way his heart leapt at the single stare. Despite the glare, Binghe’s deft fingers still softly caressed against Qingqui’s face and teased at his lobes.

“I told you to not call me that here, you promised” 

Shen Qingqiu couldn’t hold back a giggle, “You’re right, I’m sorry” 

He reached his arms up and wrapped them around the younger’s neck, fingers finding their spot at the back of his disciple’s head.  Qingqiu pulled his face closer, 

“What’s taking my husband so long? Kiss me already.”

Luo Binghe didn’t need to be told twice. Eager as ever he dove head first with their lips crashing together with an awkward clink of their teeth. The charm of kissing Binghe was always the awkward beginning, it made Qingqiu giggle into the kiss. 

Their lips would slot perfectly against one another, in a desperate frenzy they found their spots instantly. He was doing great, they both have been learning how to map out each other’s bodies. It’s hard to memorize when they get lost in each other, but it’s fun to recall which areas caused what sound. 

When he let his fingers fall down Luo Binghe’s sides and cupped his thin waist, Binghe would squeak as if he’d never been touched there before. But he leaned in, letting their bodies get closer like it was possible to be closer than they already were. It was some lame excuse to rut against Qingqiu’s thigh and they both knew it well.

It made it easier to forget that feeling in his heart. His eyes closed to the green of the world and let his breath be the only thing he focused on. Letting Binghe breathe life into him as he felt the younger eagerly nipping at his bottom lip like a child. Awkward bites that Qingqiu found quite charming. 

Of course, he let Binghe inside. 

At first, Shen Qingqiu didn’t think of his lips as anything important or special, and the kisses he shared with Luo Binghe at the beginning were all either stolen mischievously or meant to satiate Binghe’s tears.

And during those times, Shen Qingqiu wholeheartedly made himself believe that he didn’t want any part of it. With this slight disconnect with his body, he wasn’t kissing Binghe. It was him but not really. 

Shen Jiu’s lips were different from his in many ways, first with the way they were shaped. They were supposed to be plump yet petite at the same time. A permanent doll smile. Pulling perfectly into a smile that was so polite you wouldn’t mind seeing it while you were being stabbed, but they’d irritate you despite how polite they seemed.

Even without applying lip balm, they’d stay pink and pristine without cracks. Even when bitten down and ripped by his anxious teeth. And on occasion, Binghe would be the perpetrator wedging his lip between his teeth. With his cultivation, his energy would just replace the skin. 

Shen Yuan didn’t have lips like that, they weren’t as thin as a doll who’s stayed smooth like porcelain or were flushed pink no matter the occasion. They were slightly plumped because he often bit at them leaving them ripped and dry at the same time. On account of his habit of licking his lips raw on the daily, his lips would be a bruising red color. 

He didn’t know how his lips could change so drastically that he could feel the way others slotted against him was different than anything he had felt before. And maybe it’s because he too was an inexperienced virgin. But so many times after Binghe had kissed his lips raw he ran his fingers over his lips and just sighed. 

They didn’t feel the same roughness, the shape he had memorized wasn’t the same one under his fingers. Even the way they moved when he talked was entirely different. Vowels sounded different than how they did before.

And Qingqiu didn’t know if Luo Binghe would like to kiss him again if his lips weren’t in the same state. If his voice had been a higher pitch and less smooth than Shen Jiu’s.

If he said Luo Binghe’s name the same way he used to when he read the book. Rooting for his favorite character to find happiness. Would Binghe accept it? Would he allow this Shen Qingqiu to be his happiness? 

That thought bothered him more than he’d like to admit. 

Luo Binghe slowly fluttered his eyes as he stared down at Qingqiu’s face, eyes glowing crimson. It was hard to tell him to stop staring when his mouth was still pried open. Their tongues were gliding against each other, wriggling like worms. At times Binghe would slightly suck on his tongue before leaning in more to put their mouths closer. 

Qingqiu didn’t know what Binghe’s goal was other than making shivers run down his back. His chest rose as he tried to press himself closer but couldn’t with the way Binghe had pinned him down with his weight. 

He wanted to look away. Shen Qingqiu hated how intensely he stared at him. He never knew what the other wanted from him. Was this just for humiliation?  

Luo Binghe pulled back for a quick breath. Muttering a, 

“Pretty” 

Before he dove right back in. If Shen Qingqiu could speak he’d deny this claim wholeheartedly. 

Shen Yuan wasn’t ugly, at least he’d like to think so. 

He wasn’t plain either, more like average. His mother had that quiet beauty about her, the more she stayed silent and let her eyes stay serious the more attention she got. His slick tongue and attitude came entirely from her, as did her face. 

The rest he had retained from his father. 

Shen Yuan’s father was serious-looking, his face solid like a rock. His eyes came entirely from his father. They had this soft yet tired look to them. They’d seen too much yet not enough. 

Both his parents were businessmen, his mother was a college professor while his father owned a company of whatever . It had long hours and usually Shen Yuan was left to his own devices. Whatever housecleaner was on shift that day, or whatever nanny had been there was all the human interaction he’d get.

Even his two older brothers barely interacted with him. And the only doting he ever did was to his younger sister, but beyond that, he never learned the way to love. Or the way to accept love so openly. So he buried himself in a web novel and wasted his days away.

He knows this is where his lack of romance and charm comes from. He had those solid looks that were somewhat passable, nothing too flashy. But he wasn’t one to be loving or doting to others. He was never taught to be hugged or kissed. He was never taught that human touch was a luxury he couldn’t afford.

Being in the body of Shen Qingqiu in reality didn’t change much about him other than his stature and physique. But what did change the most about himself was his face which had overnight changed from something simple and serious to that of a popular sect leader that many fawned after. 

At first, it was really hard to accept that he looked so different. He wasn’t allowed to act out of character which forced him to accept his face faster than he wanted to. Shen Yuan wanted to fight, he had wanted to stare himself down for hours and poke and prod at his features as if he were clay.

But too soon it was like nothing was different. He knew something was off, he wanted to point it out to everyone. But he couldn’t.

Shen Qingqiu had a reputation to uphold and that meant ignoring the weight of skin that didn’t belong to him. It meant he had to adapt and be a certain person that he hated.

The only time he left his face slip was with Luo Binghe.

When he was around his disciple he felt that for once he could be himself. He felt more than ever before. 

Shen Qingqiu wasn’t forced to pull his skin in a certain direction to prove his high status, nor did he have to act cold. But even then he wanted to tear off the layer of skin and show Binghe, look, it’s me! I’m not this shitty guy that wants to hurt you for no reason! 

But he knew he couldn’t. So he had to live with it, and with every decision he had to stare back at the face of a man who deserved nothing. 

Whenever Shen Qingqiu got ready in the morning, his attendants would do everything for him. And on occasion, Luo Binghe would try too, his smaller hands unpracticed and clumsy, Qingqiu didn’t care as long as he didn’t have to stare at himself. 

The only mirror he accepted was Binghe’s eyes that reflected him. It was the only time he accepted being perceived so openly.

The only peace he truly got was times like this when they were in bed together. Even as Binghe kissed him silly he didn’t have to see what it looked like when his features were scrunched up. The face he made when he was in the throes of pleasure was something he’d never seen before, therefore it wasn’t foreign at all. 

Somehow that was the only peace he got. Qingqiu’s thoughts felt like he was floating and his body felt light yet on fire. 

Luo Binghe pulled back and smiled as he licked his lips. 

“My wife is so beautiful”

A voice like honey caressed Shen Qingqiu’s ears and was the only thing he could hear through his heart’s loud heartbeat. It beat against his ribcage like boulders collapsing down a mountainside. 

“N-no,” Qingqiu responded breathlessly, “‘M not”

I’m not beautiful , he thought to himself. Shen Yuan was never held as a child and told he resembled his mother. The soft words of, “my beautiful boy” were something he had never heard before. Nor ever directed at him. 

Shen Yuan’s eyes did not sparkle in the sunlight, and they weren’t anything you could compare things to. His chin wasn’t this small and chiseled, nor did his cheeks protrude dramatically. A porcelain doll’s facial proportions were something he saw as unachievable. 

Right now at this moment, he wasn’t Shen Qingqiu. He was a thin and scrawny Shen Yuan with hair that was coarse and above his ear. You wouldn’t brush your fingers through it and you would certainly not call him beautiful. 

“Hmm?” Binghe’s was closer and his breath hit Qingqiu’s ear. A wandering tongue ran across the shell, worrying it between his teeth, “I couldn’t hear you” 

Shen Qingqiu put his hands against Luo Binghe’s chest in a weak attempt to push him off. But even if he truly wanted to, the younger wouldn’t budge. 

“I’m not beautiful, A-Luo”

Luo Binghe stared at him like he had hung the stars in the sky. His smile was unwavering even as he kissed the frown Qingqiu was sporting. 

“Nonsense,” He scoffed, “ I said it, so it is so. My wife is beautiful” 

Am I his wife underneath this?

Shen Qingqiu couldn’t help but think to himself, even as Binghe had pressed wet kisses down his neck and under his chin.  If he didn’t have these lips or eyes, if he didn’t have this face. If Shen Yuan were here, what would he do then?

His body would be so fragile he’d crush under the sheer pressure of being Luo Binghe’s lover before his actual weight crushed him against the bed. He wouldn’t be able to see the way Binghe’s eyes twinkled in the sunlight. And he wouldn’t feel the emerging undulating energy beneath Binghe’s skin. 

Would he like someone so plain who had nothing extravagant about him? Would Luo Binghe flutter his eyelashes at him like he was this gorgeous Shizun who had cultivated for years, who cared for him so? 

(And after he hurt him so, would he have that obsession to never let him go again?)

It brought stinging tears to his eyes, forming in large beads that threatened to fall. Binghe did not notice as he pressed their lips together once more. 

He let their chests rub against each other, feeling Luo Binghe’s broad and solid body rock alongside his. Qingqiu wondered if he could feel the way his heart threatened to burst through his body. It was almost like vines threatening to spring free and clutch onto his disciple until they became one.

The only way for him to truly belong and be accepted would be to forcefully invade. 

A heart was something Shen Yuan wasn’t aware he had until he thought about it. It was like remembering you breathe automatically or you filter colors through your eyes and it’s shot back to your brain. A heartbeat was only something he noticed he had when he was anxious and felt it thrumming against his ribcage.

Whenever he tried to calm himself down, he’d press his fingers to his wrist and take count of his pulse. Breathing in deeply and exhaling would calm it down. It wasn’t something he remembered. 

But in this body, with a golden core inside of himself. It felt like his heart was quieter and smaller than he was used to. It was as if cultivation put his heart at a standstill and it only quietly thumped from time to time.

Often he wondered if he successfully achieved immortality through cultivation if his heart would stop beating so violently.

At first, Shen Yuan’s theory was that Shen Qingqiu didn’t have anxiety. He was confident in everything and did not doubt his ability to do anything. Failure was something he didn’t know. 

But Shen Qingqiu now constantly failed and he had no shame in it at all. But there were moments where he calmly let things take their course. He was bad at sword fighting? Of course, he’s never tried it before so he ought to be terrible at it. Yet his body would tell him otherwise. 

His quiet heart would pitter-patter loudly and remind him that the original was someone who could not fail. The dichotomy between himself who did not care about failing or not as long as he looked the part, versus the body he occupied telling him to feel otherwise. 

At first, Shen Qingqiu wondered if the way his heartbeat around Luo Binghe was a worried one or the actual way he felt. Did he get nervous around him before? He doesn’t remember a time he felt that way around Luo Binghe. 

He felt so separated from his body at times he truly didn’t know if his heart truly beat for him and him alone. Or if it did whatever it pleased.

Luo Binghe was a beautiful white flower. Young, full of life, and bewitching all. Despite this changing halfway through the book, that original appeal is what drew people to his disciple.  It’s what drew him to his disciple. 

He had that young boy charm of big eyes and a towering figure. He had power yet didn’t know the amount he held in his bloodstream, which made him bewitching. Luo Binghe was the perfect doting wife. 

But now Luo Binghe was a towering figure who knew every single limit he had. It was grand and ever changing. Truly someone meant to rule the Demon Realm.

Shen Qingqiu could feel his heart drop, wondering if it was the same feeling Shen Jiu would have.  If he gave in, how far would he go in this want for Binghe?

Qingqiu couldn’t help but put his hand on his chest, counting the beats of his heart. Was this truly his, was he just a body snatcher manipulating the form of someone else? Is that how Binghe would feel if he truly knew where Shen Yuan came from, he wondered. 

Seeing Qingqiu’s fingers pressing against his heart, Luo Binghe’s eyes darkened, 

“My my,” he cooed, “ Are you trying to undress, wife?”

Binghe leaned down after pushing the hand off his chest, replacing it with his lips. He kissed his chest before dragging his tongue over to the mark he had left behind the night before. Right above his heart. 

“This is mine” 

Binghe had snickered and left his cheek to rub against his chest before pulling back, “Right, Shizun?” 

His larger hands slid under the outer robe and caressed his chest down to his waist. He poked and prodded however he pleased. With his fingers playing and pressing harshly in some parts as if he were a ball of dough, kneading him into whatever shape he wanted.

Shen Qingqiu nodded anyway despite that he felt the opposite. He’d give Luo Binghe every inch of his essence. But he couldn’t let go of the fact that the heart Binghe cherished so dearly was pumping blood for a body that didn’t belong to him.  

How could he give away his heart that wasn’t truly his, to begin with?

Not pleased with the lack of a vocal answer, Luo Binghe bit at Qingqiu’s nipple. He jerked at the sensation and let out a tip of pain, just as the younger one had wanted.

“Yes, I’m yours,” He whined out pathetically. The tears that had decorated his lashes started to fall one by one. Pearls of tears that barely dropped down his chin instead settled on his rosy cheeks. 

It was almost as if Luo Binghe could understand how he felt. The way he cared for him and had patience they barely had whenever they were together. It felt like they were ready to drown in each other the second they got close. 

Qingqiu never really let Binghe cherish him and explore much about his body. Too embarrassed and meek to let the focus truly be on him, even when Binghe cried and begged to let him just once slowly drag inside him. He couldn’t be bothered to let himself memorize the way it felt slowly opening himself up like a flower unfurling in the morning sun. 

That hesitation seemed to dissipate with time, but now it felt like Luo Binghe was taking it too slow. He was kissing his skin without marking it, letting his fingers grab and push against his limbs as he pleased. 

Qingqiu doesn’t even remember how or when his robe was removed and he was left bare beneath the demon. All he knew was the soft fuzz of white noise biting its way through his flesh and encasing him in a shell of ecstasy.

His body was sensitive, especially whenever it was Binghe playing with it however he pleased. 

When he was Shen Yuan, he never paid much attention to the way his body fit or didn’t. The way his hair stood up in the back of his head no matter how he tried brushing it down. How his feet fit perfectly in each square tile of linoleum. 

His feet would hang off the edge of his bed. When he sat his toes would graze the wooden floorboards and only met his soles when he slid to the very edge of the mattress. Every shirt’s sleeve seam would drop slightly past his shoulders and some jeans would rest slightly above his ankle. 

Qingqiu didn’t think he would miss the mole at the bottom of his foot so much. Or the scar on his right pointer finger from a dog bite. The way his skin looked as his knee bent and straightened. Or the way his nail beds were more square and nubby than these perfect ovals with healthy nails that didn’t chip the second they bent. 

But underneath the scope of his lover, it felt so foreign every time he looked down and saw the way his leg bent and hooked over Luo Binghe’s waist. The two moles on his navel that Binghe would often leave love bites between. 

It was all off . It wasn’t his. Not even the way his legs were sleek and bare or the way his shoulders were somehow petite yet broad. Shen Qingqiu wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Shen Yuan. 

It wasn’t him at all. Yet Luo Binghe was starving for it, eating him wholly to satiate a hunger unfamiliar to him. 

Shen Qingqiu’s entire existence was a lie that Luo Binge ate up. He believed in him so wholeheartedly when he knew deep down he was a fraud. And he didn’t know how to open up now and tell him this harsh truth. Even after everything. 

Luo Binghe learned to put a cushion beneath Qingqiu’s back when he needed to stretch him. A bottle of oil at their bedside halfway gone, he coated his fingers. Rubbing at his entrance as he had many times before each time with more ease. It was a routine they both had gotten used to. 

“Are you okay?” Luo Binghe asked. 

Qingqiu nodded. 

“I’m okay.”

Even with the practice, Qingqiu still slightly moved further away from the younger fingers. He’d clamp down tightly to get him to stop pressing in further. A part of his body, however, would press Luo Binghe closer to him. And his voice would give away his deep desires for Binghe to press on further. 

He tried to focus on the drag and pressure of his fingers, he could feel himself unfurling like a lotus in the dew of a new day. But that small worry in the back of his mind, the pile that kept growing and growing. It distracted him and any inkling that something was wrong was drowned out by his whines.

This body, although not his. His body was handcrafted and put back together by Luo Binghe all those years ago. That fact alone was what kept him grounded in these moments of self-doubt. Or was it self-realization? 

Shen Qingqiu felt more in his body when he was made up of mushrooms. Shang Qinghua had no clue what he looked like and yet that body felt the most similar to him. But it was so weak, and he didn’t know if it was because he got used to the body of a god. Or if he had simply forgotten what it was like to be him, weak and mortal.

How he wished he could live in the ignorance he had enveloped himself in before. To not think about how his body felt in Luo Binghe’s large warm hands. He wished to put this feeling of self-hatred deep in the abyss he had thrown his love into all those years ago. But even he knew it wouldn’t fix himself. 

“Wife…” Luo Binghe’s eyes were tearing up, mouth twisted in a pout. 

It took a while for him to even notice the weight and pressure of Binghe’s heavenly pillar that rubbed against his thigh. He couldn’t help but fawn over how patient Binghe had been this whole time. 

“Go ahead, A-Luo,” Qingqiu cupped his face, “You’ve been so patient” 

Usually, Shen Qingqiu wanted to be on his hands and knees to lower the pain. A small part of him wanted it so Binghe didn’t stare at him so fiercely in the eyes the whole time. He was too sensitive now, if he asked to be turned over he’d cry.

Luo Binghe’s hands on his waist almost threatened to turn him around. Shooting his hands out he gripped Binghe’s wrists.

“I want to stay like this… Please” 

It was like he had given Luo Binghe the greatest gift known to man the way his eyes sparkled. He kept nodding enthusiastically as if his words suddenly stopped working. 

“You must like me a lot today,” Luo Binghe snickered. A memory came to mind that for once put his beating heart at ease at least for a second. 

“I do, I always do” 

This wasn’t their normal routine. Normally Shen Qingqiu would deny he likes this at all, he’d fight back knowing Luo Binghe would challenge him and continue anyway. He’d cry and sob and feign innocence, yet those large doe eyes would stare as he roughed him up. And Qingqiu would make pathetic noises no one can hear but Binghe. 

But now he didn’t care about how Binghe ruined him. He could destroy this body all he wanted and Qingqiu wouldn’t care, it’s not mine anyway.

“I wanted to paint the night sky in your eyes and have you sleep tight. I never forgot the contour of the back of your neck and your swaying hair. You said to me it would always be best, to be honest with you when we speak. But unlike the others, that kind of wisdom is too hard for me to achieve. Where has the real version of my heart been hidden away?”

The dream that came to Shen Qingqiu in the night was one he was all too familiar with. 

He was used to being trapped in his dreams, in whatever thing the system had him in for some reason. But this one wasn’t a memory or anything that fueled the story's plot. It didn’t aid him at all. 

It was something that haunted him every now and then and robbed him of any good rest. Some nights when snuggled up close to Luo Binghe’s side he’d be able to enter his dreams and be at ease. Or sometimes Luo Binghe would break into his own. But there were nights when that didn’t happen, nights where he was trapped in a perpetual loop.

And on those nights, he ended up here. 

Here was a dark endless abyss that stretched for miles. Yet somehow everything was lit up as if it emitted its own light. Beside him laid panes of tall glass. They were only his arm span wide and as tall as he was but weren’t encased on all sides, they were rowed up side-by-side like dominos. 

Inside of each pane were small patches of fresh-snow lotus’. Some were dead and dry, others ripped apart, and the rest were untouched.

 Sure, patches of the rarest flower that the original Luo Binghe searched the world for thirty chapters to obtain was odd. They grew from a ground of black mass and swayed in a nonexistent breeze. But the strangest thing that after a while, Qingqiu had just accepted were the rows that stretched further and further down.

It wasn’t the flower that grew from nothingness. It was the person who sat atop those rare flowers.

Qingqiu Copies. 

They didn’t acknowledge each other's existence and stayed inside their frame and flower patch. It was as if they couldn’t leave, or maybe it was better to say they didn’t want to leave.

Some slumped on the ground not breathing, but not dead either. Some had been in a trance of plucking the petals off the fresh-snow lotus and no matter how much they had plucked, the flowers never ran out. The others were mad. The flower patch forever growing had them angry, tearing at them as if they could somehow get it to stop. 

Unlike them, he was able to walk out from his pane and walk down the rows to see how far it would go. There had to be an end, he believed that. There had to be a way out of this dream so he could return to peace. 

Each step lit up the ground in splatters of jade green, but his footsteps didn’t make a sound. It was so quiet here, but not at all. Each Shen Jiu whispered to themselves, they cried, they groaned, and some screamed and banged against the glass. The sounds of stem snapping and glass being breathed heavily against intertwined echoes. The sounds built up in the back of Shen Qingqiu’s head and his ears rang. 

But no matter how far he walked, the end never came to him. 

Shen Qingqiu had been here multiple times before and each time he got further and further. Passing more and more of himself who ignored his existence. He was scared at first thinking they’d attack or do something. They didn’t even acknowledge each other, let alone him. 

He had learned to ignore their words, whether it be them repeating every bad thing he had thought of himself. Or repeating certain words and phrases Luo Binghe had ingrained in his mind. 

Qingqiu was already used to breaking himself down, he didn’t need thousands of himself reminding himself that he hated himself. Plus, it was easier to ignore when he was looking at Shen Jiu’s body. 

Between the voices, Shen Qingqiu heard a familiar voice calling for him. It was a whisper, something you wouldn’t be able to hear unless you were looking for it. For a moment his chest was filled with euphoria, it was Luo Binghe. 

He had found him and was ready to take him far from whatever this place was. He heard the voice ring. But in a place where there seemed to be no end nor beginning he couldn’t find the source of the voice. 

He didn’t care if this was real Luo Binghe or something his head had made up. As long as it was some version of his husband he’d be happy to see him. Just to break the monotony of this abyss and bring himself comfort.

The sound got stronger and stronger, and Luo Binghe seemed to have found the outside of his dream. Or whatever this place was. 

“Shizun!” The younger’s voice came from behind him. A hand cupping his shoulder to turn him around.

Shen Qingqiu let out a sigh of relief and turned around, thank god I can finally rest.

But what met him was not the sight of his worried husband. What had met his sights was another tall pane of glass, but this one was not pristine. It was cracked as if something had hit it and it had shattered within. 

And there stood him. It was Shen Yuan, angry and tired. His eyes looked red and caved in with how dark the circles under his eyes were. Yuan was angry and broken and Qingqiu couldn’t do anything but freeze at the sight of who he was. 

“You’re a fraud”

The glass cracked more.

And he woke up.

Shen Qingqiu shot up from bed, chest heaving in breaths. 

Thankfully Luo Binghe was not in bed with him, or he’d question why he woke up in a panic. The usual ache he’d feel after embracing Binghe was simmered down, and he didn’t feel the tacky stickiness on his skin.

The confusion was satiated when he finally looked down at himself under the blankets. His body was cleaned and a new set of robes were put on him. Even his hair had been brushed and pulled up into his usual bun. Other than the pain in his back, he felt relatively like a new person.

There was always a new way he’d show up and spoil him. Luo Binghe had always been a sweetheart and Qingqiu was grateful for him.  Especially now when his head was panging and his lungs felt like they’d never fill up with enough air to calm him down. 

Remnants of his dream laced his furrowed brows. It rippled over his shoulder blades and made its way down his back. Like ripples of the worst goose bumps.

Qingqiu always knew eventually he’d have to tell Binghe who he was, where he was from. He also knew he’d have to accept the fact that Luo Binghe could leave him. But he didn’t care about him leaving, he cared about the fact that he’d hurt him again. 

Shen Qingqiu was the world's definition of a terrible person when it came to Luo Binghe. He had failed him so many times under the guise of helping him. But even when he tried to make it up to him he knew it wasn’t enough. 

It was as he had told himself, he was a fraud. He was just a pretender wearing the corpse of someone he would never be and could never be for a man who deserved too much. Someone other than him. 

Their home was beautiful, every detail painstakingly crafted by Luo Binghe. He had loved so much, he had kept everything as it had been in their old home. And he did it for Qingqiu, everything was for him. 

What did he do for himself? What part of his life had he dedicated to his happiness outside of Shen Qingqiu? Did that even exist, a future or life without him? Had he corrupted this man's life so much that he had nothing for himself that he loved?

Shen Qingqiu got up from bed. Ignoring the dull throbbing of his thigh muscles and lower back. It was hard at first but what mattered more was where his husband had disappeared to. 

It wasn’t hard to find him, usually if he wasn’t in their kitchen or beside Shen Qingqiu, Luo Binghe would reside in his office to sort through paperwork. His hair would be pulled back into a low ponytail to get it out of his face while his sleeves were rolled up. It was one of Qingqiu’s favorite looks on the younger, it was regal and authoritative, and it made his stomach do flips more times than he’d like to admit.

When Luo Binghe was not Bingmei, he was serious and strong. His face was calm yet steeled as if he were ready for anything the world threw at him. It was just as Qingqiu had fallen for in the books, the way he carried himself, the way the world bent to his will. 

Qingqiu was the only one permitted in his office, so it was no surprise that Luo Binghe’s eyes had been waiting for his presence when he turned the doorknob. He sat up straight at his desk, his body fully turned to the elder. Whatever he’d been reading was discarded to the desk with a dull slap of paper. 

“Up so soon, Shizun?” Binghe rolled up the scroll he had been reading and organized the materials on the desk. His eyes, however, never diverted his attention from Qingqiu. 

Though calm, Qingqiu knew the wandering eyes were that of worry. Making sure he was okay, if he had limped more than once you could tell he’d shoot up from his seat immediately. Qingqiu waved at him to settle down.

“You left me,” Qingqiu stated. He walked around the desk to push the scrolls further out of the way so he could lean against it. Half sitting on the edge, while his hands splayed behind him. He was holding himself up against the desk. 

Luo Binghe was slightly taken aback at his proximity, “It had only been a few minutes, Shizun. I wanted you to rest in peace” 

Those ‘few minutes’ of rest felt like an eternity, yet it didn’t bring him any comfort. It only set the decisions he had been pondering about in stone. 

Binghe’s hand easily found Qingqiu own to lace their fingers together, dragging his fingers up his knee and over his thigh. Qingqiu couldn’t hold back a smile, nor himself. His hand reached out and cupped Binghe’s face, capturing his attention from their fingers to his lips, and then up to his eyes. 

“Let’s go out today, hmm?” 

Binghe nodded before registering the words. A cute habit of his, he was always so eager to accept whatever Qingqiu threw his way. If he asked, Binghe would accept deep diving in a volcano.

“Where do you wish to go?”

Shen Qingqiu’s mind pondered for a second. It was sad that he didn’t know what Binghe might be interested in beyond when he was a child. Books, fighting, and cooking were all the interests he could think of. But most of that was for his own sake, not for Binghe’s own entertainment.

“Anywhere you want,” Fuck it , it didn’t hurt to learn.

The gears in Binghe’s mine seemed to take a while to turn. It was surprising to get Shen Qingqiu so open and soft, it confused the demon. Has he improved that much? My wife is glowing! He wondered when this good mood of his would dissipate but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t take advantage of this. 

Luo Binghe stood up from his chair, wedging his body between Qingqiu’s legs. He brushed his cheeks with deft fingers and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead, 

“Anywhere?” 

Luo Binghe was always a flirt. He liked to press Qingqiu’s boundaries and push them further. Usually pouting when he wasn’t permitted to press further and giving Qingqiu the silent treatment. Recently, Binghe had become calmer about it. Per Qingqiu’s request,  he learned to ask if things were okay or not (Though he would not admit he loved when the younger got all teary-eyed). 

((Luo Binghe would never admit that he knew that)).

But Qingqiu also learned to give in to his flirtations. He quite liked the response he got from Binghe. 

Qingqiu pressed their foreheads together, feeling the warm heat of the marking on Binghes’s head, “Anywhere. We could go shopping for books or walk around…” Qingqiu ran his fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck, “Let’s eat out for lunch, too” 

Binghe chuckled, his long eyelashes kissing his supple cheeks, “Of course, Shizun” 

With another shared kiss Binghe had somehow pulled out of Qingqiu’s embrace without lingering. Tasking him to get ready while he had his attendants call a carriage for their departure to the shopping district. 

The demon realm had become more lively since their consummation, with permanent gates to and from the mortal realm. After Cang Qiong Mountain finished its restoration from their, ahem , crisis Qingqiu had no part in whatsoever (Nor did he and a certain person fondle one another in a certain cave there, either. In which a certain explosion occurred unbeknownst to them). The bustling of demon and sect trades along with cross-training between the three realms became a normal thing. 

Even the town and shopping district now had overflowing fauna that had previously been unable to thrive in the demon realm. Even other sect members and cultivators were found sitting in restaurants and walking down the paved roads. And on occasion, mortals would frequent the streets excitedly.

The carriage was big enough for four people, yet Luo Binghe had insisted they sit next to one another. The wording, ‘sit next to’ was very loose as Shen Qingqiu was practically in his lover's lap with an arm secured around his waist. Not that he refused this seating arrangement, it was just hard to read when you had a big man to distract you. A big man who demanded his attention every five seconds.

The robes Luo Binghe and he sported were matching. Binghe had asked personal new robes to be handmade the week after their betrothal. Since they didn’t have a huge ceremony he had wanted a statement towards the realms. The usual jade greens and whites in Shen Qingqiu’s outfit now we're darker shades of green, and inner robes and sashes were black. Whereas Luo Binghe’s black robes with red woven patterns and embellishments had been replaced with white inner robes and sash. 

They balanced each other out. Shen Qingqiu couldn’t help but be sort of proud. His chest was puffed out whenever anyone looked at them. But he couldn’t help but wish they had more of a statement piece to show they were together. 

This was a day for Luo Binghe, so Qingqiu didn’t mind when the younger had practically picked him up like a child to take him off the carriage. Alerting the driver to return near supper time, wanting to be alone. Qingqiu also didn’t mind locking arms with him and keeping him close while they walked down the rows of shops. 

Shen Qingqiu eyed down the open booths of merchants. Trying to find something Binghe might have an interest in. In between rows of fruit and other foods were plates and vase shops and on occasion jewelry from bracelets to fans and other little trinkets. 

“Anything catch your eye, A-Luo?” 

Qingqiu looked up to Binghe to find him staring right back at him. 

Binghe smiled, “Other than you, Shizun?” 

Qingqiu scoffed but he didn’t break eye contact, not like he usually did. Instead, he pressed slightly closer to Luo Binghe’s body. Bumping his hip against Binghe’s own, “Husband, be serious” 

He didn’t mind the passersby possibly hearing him, anyone would be able to tell by how they were dressed and pressed closely. But also because this was their demon ruler with the beloved man he had tasked most subjects with to take care of him if needed. Everyone knew who they were, and he could feel their stares burning into his sides among the idle chatter of the shopping district. 

The words alone were enough to spark a fire within Luo Binghe’s body. 

It was like Luo Binghe was a child again. Getting the okay from the parent to pick whatever toy they wanted for being good. 

His hair bounced as he ran to each booth and inspected the new products on display. The way his eyes lit up, his round cheeks bunching up until his eyes were barely visible. Even his little fangs revealed themselves showing how excited he was. 

You’d think Shen Qingqiu was babysitting him by the way he showed the older things he found interesting. He’d pet his head like he had all those years ago, telling him how great everything was. 

It went from fruit he used to pick and secretly put beside Shizune's meals in the morning. To the little trinkets, one would see on shelves and desks. 

Shen Qingqiu checked himself for anything that would catch Binghe’s eyes. What would make him happy and show that Qingqiu paid attention to him? Luo Binghe would accept poison from him, so the bar was relatively low for what the younger might enjoy. But he genuinely wanted to try to find something the other liked. 

Luo Binghe was too busy looking at everything else he hadn’t realized that Qingqiu was inspecting certain jewlery pieces. It took subtly asking Binghe to fetch him a snack while he paid for the items. Tucking them into the sash of his outfit just in time for Binghe to return to his side with some steamed buns in hand. 

Shen Qingqiu thanked Binghe with a kiss on the chin and a warm smile. 

“Did you find anything you like? Shizun will buy it for you,” Luo Binghe’s eyes softened. He touched his cheek with his fingers lightly memorizing the warmth of lips that were there before. 

He had this faraway look to him as he looked away towards the other booths. But even though he tried to hide it, Qingqiu could see the way his ears flushed even past the long curls that covered them, 

“I found lots, um” Binghe was counting with his fingers. Qingqiu knew he was trying to rule out certain items. 

Qingqiu pulled on his sleeve, “A-Luo” 

His words were covered in honey, but it was said so quietly that only Binghe would be able to hear. But he couldn’t look back at him. Instead, he looked through his peripheral, lips wedged between his teeth.

“Mm” 

How could he be quiet right now? 

“Get everything you want, Shizun wants to see.” 

“Okay…” Luo Binghe took a bite out of his bun before walking off, shoulders hanging low. 

It only took about five minutes before Luo Binghe came back with his arms filled with little items. He had found cups with flower carvings on the sides of them with gold embossing the outlines, little porcelain animals that looked like game pieces, a book with a person posed elegantly on the cover, and lastly some red rope with golden tassels at the end. The kind meant for keeping curtains open.

Luo Binghe had seemed excited to show him the items but became bashful the more Qingqiu inspected them. Honestly his eyes had only grazed over the other objects and immediately went to the china cups. 

Picking them up to closer inspect their design, both had two different flowers on the sides of them. With painted leaves climbing up the handle One had a purple aster and the other a red lotus. He knew it was supposed to be them, the warmth in his chest was hard to suppress. 

“What made you pick these?” He asked, looking up into Binghe’s eyes.

“Well,” He nervously twirled a lock of hair with his pointer finger, “The aster blooms around your birthday… And the lotus, you always called me that when I was young.” 

“Mmm,” Shen Qingqiu nodded, “Very good. Do you know why I called you Lotus?” 

Binghe shook his head. 

Qingqiu’s fingers lightly outlined the flower with care and a smile. The lotus was just like Binghe, it grew from deep below until it resurfaced and bloomed in the sun. 

“When I met you, the pond in the courtyard had finally bloomed lotus’. And I knew then, that was you. You’re very much like a lotus, Binghe. Do you know what lotus’ represent, A-Luo?” 

This time, he nodded along. 

“Rebirth” 

Shen Qingqiu nodded and muttered a ‘very good’ . Luo Binghe looked like he was about to pass out from the sheer red of his cheeks that flushed down his neck. 

“Lotuses grow in the dark before they bloom in the light. Just like you. You had to be in the dark before you could become who you are now. Strong, aimless, and beautiful. So anytime the lotus is in bloom, we celebrate your birthday” 

Luo Binghe never had a real birthday, no one knew when he was born. But Shen Qingqiu remembers when he awoke in this world, and he knew that the day he had watched Binghe chop wood in the courtyard. There had been Lotus blooming in their pond.

He’s sure it had not been the middle of summer when the original Shen Qingqiu met Luo Binghe all those years ago. But it didn’t matter if it was factually correct to the book as long as it was true in his world. Binghe was a summer baby through and through. 

Binghe couldn’t help but turn away with glossy eyes. He gulped back whatever emotion he was harboring before he spoke up again. Qingqiu knew that look well, it was the look of someone who didn’t want to cry. 

“Do you know what aster’s mean, Shizun?” Qingqiu couldn’t hold back a chuckle. Tears laced Binghe’s words but he didn’t comment on it. 

He shook his head, “Enlighten me.” 

“They mean devotion, affection, love. The perfect flower for my wife”

He couldn’t help but but in, “They also mean patience, which is very fitting don’t you think?” 

Binghe nodded and Qingqiu didn’t inspect the rest. He paid instead and got a bag for them to hold their things. Which he insisted on carrying the whole walk down the paved roads, even when Binghe had refused. 

The animal trinkets were a wolf, a cat, and a few birds. And the rope… He had decided to ignore it for now. 

“Shizun you’re not mad about the rope, are you?” Binghe had asked purely out of curiosity. 

“I am not mad. We’ll talk about it later.” 

Binghe clapped, “So you’re thinking about it?” 

“Binghe.” 

He stopped pressing the matter. Qingqiu already knew what he wanted to do with said rope. But today was about Binghe so he couldn’t refuse, but he also didn’t want to hear how ecstatic the other was about it. Recreating fantasies of Binghe’s was always hard, he was always so eager. And it was mostly hours-long torture where he’d get overstimulated. 

I raised a monster!

“So…” Qingqiu broke the silence after a pregnant pause, “What kind of food do you like?” 

When in thought, Binghe would scrunch his bottom lip up into a pseudo-pout. He’d look up as if the answer would somehow float from his head faster. Even his hair seemed to have empotion with the way it would poof up whenever he had a thought or was surprised. 

Resembling a poodle, Qingqiu had to hold himself back from patting his puffed up hair like it was a mere cloud. 

“I like meat” 

Qingqiu chortled, “That’s it? Nothing else you like to eat?”

“You?” 

Binghe hadn’t even said that to be funny. It was a genuine answer that came out before he could even think about anything else. 

Ignoring it per usual, “I know you don’t like sweets. Do you like spicy food?” 

“I quite like spicy food”

Shen Qingqiu didn’t think it would be this hard to get information out of the younger. But it proved difficult with each question he asked. Whether Binghe genuinely didn’t know what he liked and disliked or he just didn’t care about it, Qingiqu wasn’t sure. But he’d watch Binghe talk all day if he could, his voice was soothing in ways that calmed his worries down in an instant.

Any pregnant pause felt like a waterballoon left unattended. You were aware of it growing and expanding and pressure building but you couldn’t do anything about it. Instead you had to let it happen. But Binghe never let it pop, he’d turn the water off and carry the water himself, even if he got wet himself. 

Luo Binghe had that talent of picking up any weight that held Qingqiu’s chest down until he couldn’t take in a single breath. He only wondered how he too could be that relief for him. 

The sun had cupped the tops of trees by the time they had stopped and picked a place to eat. Orange and pink lined the skies and kissed gold into the clouds. It was one of those long spring days that had daylight for long hours after night had started.

Their lunch had been a little late. They had enjoyed the view and now and then they’d be stopped by the common folk. Binghe was always so sweet when he talked to his people, he was a true leader through and through. Smart and charismatic but also strong whenever he needed to be. 

It was always a little hard to see Binghe as an adult man separate from Qingqiu. He wasn’t his disciple, he hadn’t been for a while. It was a title he’d never shed, Qingqiu would always be his Shizun. Even if he wasn’t training under him any longer. 

But that title was another weight that settled in his palms, watching how overtime the ability of picking his hands up and doing something became impossible. Not if he picked it up himself and did something about it. 

Which had sparked an idea. 

They ate under the umbrella outside of the restaurant. It was crowded and chatty, similar to a pop shop Qingqiu would find at home settled in the small back alleys of the city. The aunts and uncles would come all the time, and the teens would run around and laugh. 

Music was playing from somewhere down the road. But it fed into the ambiance of the bustling city, the laughter, and the soft breeze that wove into the grass and hair of people. It left the tip of Binghe’s nose red as his curly bangs wafted in the breeze. 

They had eaten in relative silence as the lanterns in town turned on. Orange and red lights cascaded against the stone floor. That calm had held Qingqiu’s nervous heart that had been racing the entire afternoon. 

“A-Lou” 

Binghe’s cheeks were stuffed with rice and meat. A few grains were stuck his cheek, like a child who learned to eat with chopsticks for the first time. Reaching out he wiped the grains off his face with a tut. 

Binghe nodded and gulped, “What is it, Shizun?”

“Would you like to train under me again? Would you cultivate?”

Shen Qingqiu knew there was no reason for him to continue to cultivate. Binghe was already immortal, plus the plot armour he held meant nothing bad would come to him. If anything it would make him even more OP than he already was. 

“Would you allow me to? We wouldn’t be able to go back to Cang Qiong Mountain.” 

In the past there would be envy and vitriol on his tongue whenever he brought up Cang Qiong Mountain. Though after a while of talking it through, it sooned dissipated. Although he only cared about certain aspects about the sect and despised others. 

Now, Binghe had said it like it was place he hadn’t resented. Nor a place that had refused him multiple times for merely existing. Qingqiu was proud of him. 

“As if that matters! They’d permit it if I demanded it, no one would ever question me let alone you. We can cultivate at home just fine” 

It never stopped irking him the way the peaks treated Luo Binghe. The uniter of all the realms, the guy who peacefully helped anyone in need. Even if he only did it for Shizun when it came to helping the mountain sects, it didn’t matter. He still did it without complaining even when he was bloodied. 

Those fucking assholes. 

“Do you mean it?” 

Shen Qingqiu didn’t realize he’d furrowed his brow so intensely. He uncrossed his arms and took a deep breath. I can’t look insane in front of Binghe, calm down! 

He looked at Binghe and saw the way his eyes had glossed over again. Poor baby. 

“Of course I mean it. You said it yourself, I’ll always be your Shizun. So let’s cultivate together”

If he was going to be Luo Binghe’s Shizun forever and always, he would rather earn it. Not force it upon a child who knew not the weight it carried. He wasn’t Shen Jiu. 

The air had shifted after Binghe had agreed. The food had slowly lowered in the bowl until they were empty. The shops had also started to close down their booths, the owners taking a stroll down the sidewalks. 

The sky had slowly let go of the golden light of the sun and peeks of lilacs and deep violets started to swirl below the horizon. Like plumes of smoke and fabric cascading across the sky.

Binghe normally wasn’t always so quiet. Not when he was with Shen Qingqiu, his mouth was a motor that never stopped. Binghe liked to talk about the trees and the clouds, he’d also talk about meetings he and his friend Mobei would have with the other realms. He was a cute little yapper. 

In the moment he only let their fingers entwine again over the table as he stared into the sunset. Chin in the palm of his hand as he was deep in thought.

In the moment, Qingqiu imagined he was Shen Yuan. He visualized his rougher and smaller hands in Binghe’s own. For the moment he allowed himself to think of them as two regular people who met and fell in love. What would he do if he were home right now? How could ever return when he had his life in front of him?

Absentmindly he squeezes Binghe’s hands to ground himself that this was real. 

It had alerted Luo Binghe who turned to check on Qingqiu. For a brief moment his eyes looked different from anything Qingqiu had ever seen. You’d figure he’d seen all sides of Luo Binghe by now, from pure evil and sadistic to the big doe eyes. But you’d be wrong. 

They weren’t serious or evil neccesary. They seemed sad yet resolute. Whatever Binghe was feeling was something familiar to him that he welcomed. By the way his eyes instantly changed when he fully turned his attention towards the elder, Qingqiu knew this was a state Binghe was the most comfortable with. 

“Are you okay? Are you tired, Shizun?” 

He shook his head. Instead he pulled their intwined hands and kissed his bare ring fingers knuckle. Deep down, he had hoped his lips seared a mark. 

“How about we go sit outside? This place is closing soon” 

Luo Binghe perked up immediately. The doe eyes were back as if he had never looked any differently. For a moment, Qingqiu wondered if this side of his dear disciple was true or false. Who was Luo Binghe when he wasn’t with Shen Qingqiu? Truly he didn’t know, nor did he feel like he wanted to know either.

Whether out of fear or insecurity he didn’t want to unpack that right now.

Without a word, Binghe had already hoisted his bag of things over his shoulder and they made their way across the street. 

The shopping center was only a few blocks of paved road and buildings before it started to curve around a small lake. They had large patches of grass and benches to sit, even the trees were placed in a certain pattern that was mirrored on every side. 

It overlooked a sea foam lake which in the middle sat a tree which roots spread down under the water and peaked over the surface like flowing fabric in the wind. The surface was mostly clear so you could see the school of fishes. But near the edge of the sidewalk were blossoming hydrilla and patches of duckweed. 

It was more grand than the small pond at Qing Jing Peak and it stretched out further into the mountains where the lake split into rivers beyond the trees. Although he didn’t always pay attention to whatever projects Luo Binghe had dabbled in, he did know that this lake in particular was planned by him entirely. 

The chatter of him and Qinghua had mostly overtook the sounds of them planning. But he had seen Mobei Jun trekking large glaciers through the town for their man-made lake. It was baffling how beautiful it looked in person.

If you knew Qing Jing Peak, or more importantly, if you knew Luo Binghe’s origin you’d recognize the pattern of bamboo leaves that was made into bricks. If you looked at Qingqiu once, you’d see the bamboo pattern on his infamous fan was the same one splayed on the ground. 

They sat under a large parasol tree where lanterns had hung from the tallest branch and lit the grass below. It reminded Qingqiu of when Luo Binghe was so small he’d disappear in his grasp and he’d train in the yard for hours. But now here Binghe was sitting larger than he staring out at a lake he built. 

Shen Qingqiu sat sideways and patted his lap. 

“Read your book to me, Binghe” 

Binghe blinked, “Are you sure you want me to read what I picked?” 

Shen Qingqiu scoffed. He’s handing out this opportunity on a silver platter and Binghe questions him? His lap was soft and warm and no one has ever been able to sit there other than Binghe when he had regressed into a child form. If he wasn’t a solid mass of man, Qingqiu would allow it more often!

“Shizun has read even the most untranslatable books. I can manage being read to. I’m not that difficult”

He didn’t want to be petty, he tried to not be as snappy as he usually was. But sometimes Luo Binghe needed to let things happen, take the opportunity dammit!

Luo Binghe’s shoulders deflated as he sighed and pouted, “Okay…” 

Grabbing the book from the bag he sat cross-legged ready to read aloud. Qingiqu stopped him with a hand over the book. 

“Excuse you.”

Shen Qingqiu crossed his arms. It was hard not to give in to the glossy eyes that looked his way. Especially when he realized the reason Binghe looked like a tortured puppy. It was a big Duh moment of remembering the times Shen Jiu had scolded Binghe to read aloud for hours even after hot tea was thrown at him. 

If he could be left alone in a room with Shen Jiu, Qingqiu believes he’d eat him alive. There was no need to have a proper burial at all. He’d simply stab him until even his bones were liquidised and soon there after he’d eat him. 

“A-Luo…” He pouted himself to be as non-threatening as possible. He patted his lap again, “Lay your head on my lap” 

Luo Binghe’s eyes could be confused with the ocean at night with how big they are. Honestly, they look very similar to pots of water with the way they glossed over. Sparking with brimming tears as he clasped his hands together in prayer. 

“I can? Shizun—”

“Are we in lessons?”Qingqiu crossed his arms again and huffed in annoyance, “I’m your wife right now, not Shizun”

Binghe didn’t speak anymore, turning his back towards Qingqiu. Impatient, Qingqiu put his hands on Binghe’s shoulders and pulled him down onto his thighs with a quiet, ‘oof’ from the sudden movement.

“My wife is so forceful!” Binghe giggled. 

He looked up at Qingqiu through the prettiest eyelashes. His bread cheeks returned, and his lips looked delectable. It was hard to hold back from leaning down and kissing him. So he didn’t. Kissing upside was somewhat weird but it didn’t matter to Qingqiu. Not when he felt the way Binghe melted underneath him. His nose let out a breath of him relaxing and the book in his hands slapped against his chest in a dull thud.

When he pulled back he made sure to make their lips smack and stare down at a winded and woozy-eyed Binghe. It looked like he was either in heaven or pretty fucking  close to ascending to it. Ha! Shen Yuan did that!

“Read.” 

The younger gulped and nodded slowly before picking the book back up. It only took a few moments of clearing his throat and calming himself down before he started to read.

Shen Qingqiu wouldn’t admit this, maybe not now, anyway. But he loved the way Binghe read, the way the words sounded off his tongue, and the way he’d add effects to the words. Whether it be pausing for effect or putting on a slight drawl depending on who spoke. 

It became quite obvious why Luo Binghe was embarrassed to read the book aloud. Based on the flowery picture on the front of the book was already clear it was a romance book. With the premise of an age gap, childhood crush, tropes and more tropes. It was clear even more why he wanted it so badly. 

But it didn’t bother Qingqiu at all. Not when he realized Binghe had mentioned this book to Qingqiu before. In an instant, he felt relief in his chest for finally doing something good and indulging his Bingmei in his flowery dream scenarios. 

With the orange glow of the lanterns cascading across the pages and over the bridge of Binghe’s nose, down to the slope of his plush pink lips. The green of the grass and trees entangled with the blue hue of the stars shining down on them. It really felt like their old home. 

He couldn’t help but comb his fingers through the youngers hair as he remembered the past. It was a night just like this when a teen Binghe had run through the courtyard and dunked himself in their pond. Qingqiu can even remember the heat under his feet as he ran after him and jumped in with him.

To think that was only one of the moments in Binghe’s life where he realized how he felt for Shen Qingqiu. It was mind boggling to him to think how much it took for him to realize what he felt for Binghe wasn’t a normal ‘I’m supporting you and hoping you a great life’. In fact there were too many thoughts he had of Binghe in marriage attire and a bouquet of flowers. 

But getting to know those deep parts of Binghe. The memories he had stored away years ago for the sake of furthering the plot. He was grateful to be able to look back on that time in his life that he had regretted after the abyss and see the happy parts of it.

After he had stabbed him… He never once unsheathed his blade after. The garden had been neglected and his bed had a hole in the shape of his curled-up body. The thought of plucking a leaf and using it as a blade to protect Luo Binghe was a forgotten memory.

Now, he was able to look back at him barefoot in the pond with Binghe, splashing water at one another while he attempted to cultivate. He could still hear the sweet sound of Binghe’s voice telling him to stop or his book would get wet. 

He had gotten lost in running his fingers through Binghe’s hair and untangling the locks without disturbing the curls. Weaving small braids into his hair sometimes he’d pluck blue-eyed grass and place it in his hair. At some point, he had clearly drained out the sound of Binghe reading and focused more on how he looked tonight. 

A dull ache in his side reminded him of things he had bought that had hidden away. Slowly reaching into his sash he pulled out the cotton bag without the other noticing. Within the bag were two hairpins with combs at the bottom, and jewels were embedded into it with some dangling. He had chosen them for their colors primarily with one being red and the other green. 

Qingqiu wanted something to match their eyes that they both would wear in their bun. So even when they were apart, they’d carry one another with them. Cheesy, for sure, but he knew Binghe would be ecstatic about it. He also wouldn’t mind it.

“My love,” Qingqiu leaned down and whispered into his ear, “Can you sit up for me?”

He had only gotten through three chapters but the moon was already starting to say hello past the tree tops the sun had kissed what seemed like mere minutes ago. Azure bled into the sky as the moon, golden, started to come up. The story was already long forgotten, he’d have to ask Binghe to run it by him again or take a peak at the pages himself to see what he missed. 

Binghe put his finger between the pages as he shut the book. He never bent the book's pages to keep his spot, instead, he plucked a piece of blue-eyed grass from his hair and placed it between the pages before he shut the book and sat up. 

Qingqiu couldn’t help but be proud of the braids he put in his hair, they didn’t fall loose when he sat up. Binghe had even carefully risen to not disturb the flowers he had put in his hair. 

“What is it, Sh—” He stopped himself before finishing.  A meek smile on his face with his hands neatly placed in his lap on top of the closed book.

Qingqiu held the pins in one hand tightly to hide them from view, while the other hand pulled out Binghe’s own. With his palm facing up he dropped the pins into his hands. 

Luo Binghe did a cute head tilt he usually did when confused. He inspected the hair pins with delicate fingers prodding at the gems and flicking ones that dangled. He was like a toddler seeing something shiny for the first time. 

“Hair pins?” Binghe asked, looking up at Qingqiu to try and get a read off of him. It was almost as if he was scared to get too attached to them.

Shen Qingqiu usually would hide behind a fan or turn the other cheek to avoid his eyes. His cheeks would flush and he’d be able to ignore it all or play it off as if he’d been peeved. But now wasn’t the time to act bashful. 

“I got them for each other, this one,” He pointed to the green one, “this is yours” 

“It matches our eyes…” Binghe softly caressed the gems with a finger once more. 

Shen Qingqiu grabbed it from his hands, tutting for Binghe to stay still while he pressed the comb into his ponytail. He couldn’t help but adjust his hair and push back strands behind his ears. Cupping his face to check how it looked he pulled away. 

“It’s perfect, A-Luo” 

Luo Binghe grabbed the red hairpin in both his hands as if he were holding it secure from falling. As if it were about to melt in his cusp.

He resembled a child on the brink of crying. Eyes glazed over with something Shen Qingqiu couldn’t place. It was like the eyes he had seen in the restaurant, they were unique with a feeling he couldn’t understand. Binghe’s big curls swallowed his shoulders and small face as if he were a child hiding from scolding. 

It was similar to when he had given him a book for training, one to replace the sabotaged book Shen Jiu had given him that made him cultivate the wrong way. Luo Binghe had looked like a child, fragile. 

“Help me put mine on?” Qingqiu tilted his head up with a finger under his chin. 

Binghe didn’t hesitate, he held the hairpin in his mouth as he retied Qingqiu’s bun before he pressed the comb into his hair. His fingers even brushed strands of hair out of his face before he looked at his work with a smug smile. 

For a second he deflated. His shoulders sank and his smile fell into a thin line. It resembled a side Qingqiu had seen before and never wanted to witness again. It was instinct for him to read a handout and cup his hand over Binghe’s.

It shocked him when Luo Binghe had moved his hand away from under Qingqiu’s. It even shocked Binghe how fast he had moved, but it was too late to take it back. So instead, he spoke up, 

“Shizun… Why are you being so kind to me today?” 

Shen Qingqiu understood why he would ask that question to someone like him. He also knew that this was nothing in comparison to what he was going to face mere hours from now.

“This feeble and odious Shizun owes Luo Binghe too much” 

His touch, though scorned still reached out to cup Luo Binghe’s face. Bringing himself closer so their foreheads could touch and that burn of his mark on his forehead could bore itself further into him. Sooner or later he’d be branded, whether in punishment or ownership. Either wouldn’t be enough. 

“You spoil me, Binghe. Can’t I do the same? Can’t I pick you, forever and always?” 

Luo Binghe’s breath hitched, and his eyes fell into his lap. But when he had looked up to face his Shizun, Qingqiu’s jade orbs had already found his own. Vermillion met Aventurine,

“Do you mean it?” 

Binghe didn’t expect that tears would drop that fast down his cheeks. His hands had panicked, muttering a sorry under his breath as he tried to wipe them off. But they only further rolled down his sleeves. 

“You’re crying already and we haven’t even had dinner yet, that’s a record!” Qingqiu joked. Binghe chortled before shoving the elder’s shoulder with a muttered ‘shut up’ under his breath.

I’m rubbing off on him.

He could admit he liked it, he liked that Binghe expressed himself more openly than he had before. Which is surprising when the kid had his heart on his sleeve. But he still had secrets buried deeper than Qingqiu was ready to dig. 

“Let’s go home, hmm?” Qingqiu moved to a crouched position, “What do you want for dinner?” 

Qingqiu figured that even if he didn’t know how to cook the food they had here, he could somehow bullshit his way. Maybe the system had a recipe book of some kind or at least a glossary so he could figure out what ingredients he’d need. Maybe he could bribe their cook for help.

Binghe muttered ‘Anything you’d cook is perfect’.

Honestly, he wanted to lull Luo Binghe into a state of normalcy so they could go home in one piece with one more big smile. His Binghe only deserved the best. 

With word of their home, Binghe was easy to get up to his feet. Qingqiu managed to lug over their bag of items over his shoulder with one hand, while the other unoccupied one was held in Binghe’s hand. 

“C’mon, pup. Our carriage is waiting” 

Binghe spoke wistfully, “Shizun is so strong!”  cuddling closer to Qingqiu’s side. It was insane that Shen Qingqiu could hear the way Binghe’s tail wagged as they walked away. Binghe’s Bingmei-maiden-mode was activated so easily. 

“Reflected in you, I am an innocent resonance that believes in souls. In truth, it doesn’t matter either way - The real issue was something else, my worst is hidden away. I, who walk with you, am a wise silhouette that becomes a memory and fades away. The neglected third heart has been staring at the two of us.”

Their kitchen was a place Shen Qingqiu found a bit foreign. He never stepped into it for long periods of time, giving Binghe time alone to cook. But the times he did walk into it, their servants instantly helped him. Ushering him out if he got even a centimeter too close to doing things himself. Because I am not you and because you’re not me

It was something he was used to. But sometimes whenever he was alone in their home, he fell into the rhythm of what it was like back in his original world. Waltzing into the kitchen without a need for anything just to check the fridge when you were bored. Not only were there no fridges—thanks for nothing Shang Qinghua— but whenever he did walk into the kitchen he was attended to. Unable to touch anything. 

It was as if the kitchen had a yellow flag over its entrance. If he stepped over the doors threshold he’d be stopped and given a penalty. Not seriously, but it felt like it the way he’d no longer be allowed to wander the halls. The servants would be called insolent for even letting Qingqiu think of going to the kitchen for something.

And on most days, Luo Binghe had him outside in the courtyard where his office overlooked. Or in a room adjacent with the door open so he could see he wasn’t lifting a finger. He was caring yet overbearing.

Luckily, he had convinced their help to dismiss early when they arrived back at their home. It was easy, he explained wanting to give Binghe a treat and they filtered out the door swiftly with hushed giggles. If they thought he meant anything illicit, that was their prerogative. 

He had tasked Binghe to leave him alone for the time being. Which was hard when the whole ride he had been suctioned to Qingqiu’s side. It was as if he was trying to consume him and fuse their bodies into one being.

He let Binghe hold onto him and even nuzzle his face into his neck with soft nips at his nape. But the second they made it home he pushed him away and sent him to set up a table outside for them to eat dinner. It was the first time Binghe didn’t have eyes welled up with tears. Drunk on happiness, he giggled into his kiss goodbye and a cute wave as he walked away.

It was too late to postpone the words Qingqiu needed to say. The truth that needed to be let out seared his lips, breaking through his flesh like the worst blister the world could think of.  So for the time being, he needed to be alone to figure out what he needed to say. 

But even with all the time in the world, he couldn’t script his honest words. Every sentence sounded off and false. Insincere. But he couldn’t pinpoint exactly how he needed to form his thoughts and make Binghe understand him.

So instead he focused on cooking for the time being.

The only food he wanted to make was one that Luo Binghe had made him all those years ago. The congee he had brought to him daily that had him itching to reach a hand out and pet his head. He would never be able to make it taste the same, but he could try his best to get the message across. 

Qingqiu never cared this much about something let alone someone. It was so deep, it was debilitating to constantly have him on the mind. And now, the fear of the ending coming over the horizon scared him even more. The possibility of this stability, this life, being ripped from his grasp without a warning. 

He doesn’t know how he’d deal with leaving Luo Binghe all alone in this huge home if he rejected his existence. Shen Qingqiu wouldn’t care if he was thrown away, but he would mind if that meant Luo Binghe would be abandoned.

The sweat on his brow and his upper lip was annoying at first, but it soon became something familiar as he cooked. His sleeves had been pulled back and tied up and out of his way. While he had thrown his hair in a half-assed bun, the mass of it made it hang loose and messy. 

It was worth the bowl of congee with eggs and green onions. The meal was relatively simple and with the help of the system (for once) telling him what was needed to prepare the meal. He couldn’t hold back the smile creeping up on his lips when he thought back to a small fair Binghe cooking for him like this every morning. 

His big fluffy hair would’ve had to have been pulled into a large ponytail, the way his curls poofed out, it resembled a dog tail wagging whenever he moved. Binghe’s small arms covered in scrapes and bruises would be revealed when he pulled his sleeves down. His height, which barely made it past the countertops would have to be compensated with a stool. 

Qingqiu can remember the endless times he’d secretly walked past and healed his injuries without him noticing. Gasping in surprise he’d praise Binghe for his great cultivation skills. The system would try to penalize him for being ‘OOC’ but under the guise of keeping his appearance to his peak, he was able to help Binghe under the radar tons of times. It was so silly the way he’d risk his life for a minor scrape on Binghe’s knee or the fatigue from hard training in the woods.

Every morning Luo Binghe made this meal “with variations” as he had said to Qingqiu long ago. And so it only made sense that he would do the same and make him the same meal he woke up to daily as a thank you. It wouldn’t be the same at all in comparison to Binghe’s famous cooking skills. But hopefully, it would pass as a meal, at least. 

The night crept up on them sooner than he expected. With the way, the sky kept that same warmth even as the moon rose. Qinqiu hoped the ride home wouldn’t be long and they’d still have some light left for dinner. 

He could’ve just asked Binghe or their servants to light up some eternal flame in their home’s courtyard. But still, there was romance in the moon being in the sky during a sunset. Hopefully, this would still be romantic even without the pink and purple hues in the sky.  

With a tray in hand, Shen Qingqiu felt like a baby walking for the first time. Balancing their congee bowls, carefully shuffling against the floorboards to avoid them from spilling. He was thankful it wasn’t like the peak where they had stairs down into their courtyard. It was hard enough to breathe in the heat because of the layers, it was even more difficult to walk without tripping over his robes. Let alone descending a few steps with a huge tray in your grasp.   

For some reason, there was a weight on his chest that wasn’t because he was scared of what to say. If anything, he was scared the food wasn’t enough for Binghe. For the time being, it eased the other anxiety that ate at his heart.

The courtyard had already been lit with eternal flames when he arrived. Orange lights adorned the trees and cascaded lights against the brick floor. Luo Binghe was there leaning against a mahogany table Qingqiu could tell was new. His side profile as always was beautiful as he stared up at the night sky, the red glow of his demon mark shone down the slope of his nose and against his lips.

Just above the tree tops, dusting over the leaves was the last sight of daylight. The blues and purples overtook the orange and pink like a watercolor painting. 

The time of day didn’t matter anymore when Binghe looked like that. If anything the endless view of stars made him even more beautiful.

Shen Qingqiu tried to keep quiet, and yet he could feel the way Binghe’s eyes locked onto him from his peripheral view. Holding himself from snapping his neck in Qinqiu’s direction. Not wanting to be too eager. Yet anyone could tell from the way he was almost vibrating in superposition that he ached to run into his shizun’s arms. 

He placed the tray onto the table before approaching Binghe from the front. A hand reached out to grab Binghe’s own and once more, those eyes were on him. Like a flame, they flickered back to the soft ones Binghe always adorned whenever in his presence. But that other side left a feeling in the bottom of Qingqiu’s stomach and he didn’t know what part was fear and the other pure curiosity. 

“Husband… Let’s eat”

Luo Binghe was always warm. He was like his own personal furnace even without all the layers on him, even now stripped from his outer robes he was burning. So when he had pulled Qingqiu into an embrace, his large chest pressed against Qinqiu’s lean build it felt like he was searing.

His arms were bulky and hard, but whenever they wrapped around Qingqiu’s body they were soft and protective. For a moment, Shen Qingqiu couldn’t hold back from nuzzling his face into the younger’s chest. His arms wrapped around his waist and caressed his back and hips in some weak attempt to pull him closer to him. 

“Why are you tempting me, dear wife?” 

“I’m not,” Qingqiu lowered his gaze. 

Binghe pulled away only so he’d be able to caress fingers across Qingqiu’s cheeks. Fingers ran against his lips before he ran them through Qingqiu’s hair and his eyes were left locked on the hairpin. 

“Shizun, your hair,” Binghe chortled.

“A-Luo, what did I tell you about ‘shizun’ this and ‘shizun’ that?!” Qingqiu let out a huff from his nose. 

He didn’t have to look at himself to know he looked like a hot mess. His hair was frizzy and his hair was falling out of the hair tie hold and he was pretty sure there was an oil stain somewhere on his outfit no matter how careful he tried to be in the kitchen. 

“My bad, my bad. I did not mean to offend my dear. Shall I call you wife every time I need you? Wouldn’t that annoy you so?”

Binghe didn’t mind how he looked. Instead, he effortlessly pulled Qingqiu’s hair loose. He slightly adjusted their stance with a single touch of his fingertips, pushing Qingqiu closer to him and making him turn his back to him. 

Qingqiu held his nose high, “Nothing else would suffice. Lover, dear, honey; I don’t care for nicknames. But Shizun should only be for when we are cultivating, not when I’m in the house you built. Not when I’m in clothes you hand-designed for me.”

Honestly, if Shen Qingqiu hadn’t been turned away he doesn’t know if he’d so openly admit any of this. Let alone let an honest version of himself slip through so effortlessly. But it was always like that with Luo Binghe. Unlike everyone else, he didn’t have these large expectations for Binghe to follow after. He saw him at his lowest, the worst version of him. 

“My wife is so open today,” He brushed Qingqiu’s hair up, holding it with one hand while the other tied it up in a bun effortlessly, “Of course, this able one shall abide by your wishes” 

With a single tap of his fingers against Qingqiu’s side to tell him to turn his way again. Easily he put the hairpin back in place with a chirp of satisfaction. 

Qingqiu will admit, that he loved this sweet version of Binghe who did not cry or beg, it was all the honesty he needed to know that Binghe truly loved him. Even if the crying and begging excited him so.

Luo Binghe in Proud Immortal Demon Way had a knack for being good with hair, aside from the perverted uses Airplane had implemented. Like most things, Binghe was naturally impossibly great at them the second he attempted it. In their youth, Binghe would help Ning Yingying with her hair and she too would help untangle his large curls every morning. 

His fingers were lithe and deft, most mornings he would be the one doing Qingqiu’s hair as opposed to their attendants. Though Qingqiu only had the talent of someone who helped his sister with her hair now and then. His fingers were awkward and he couldn’t quite place the amount of pressure to put into brushing hair nor how to properly hold hair back into a bun. 

Now with his refusal to let the attendants touch Luo Binghe’s hair; most days Binghe would have his hair down with curls framing his pretty face or into a low ponytail which Qingiqu preferred. He loved it when his big fluffy curls framed his face and they bounced loosely whenever he walked.

“Now what did my wife bring me, hmm?” Binghe sing-songed. 

Once the attention was away from him, Binghe turned to look at the tray of food his wife had brought him. There wasn’t a gasp, it was as if there was air stuck in his throat when he saw the bowl of food which still had steam wafting off its surface.

“Shizun…” It wasn’t even on purpose. Binghe felt like he was back in his childhood memories. All the ones he held dear flooded back into his mind and the world slipped out. 

His words were drowned in honey and it doused Qingqiu in this warmth that ran through his veins. A shiver ran down his spine all down to the tips of his toes. 

“It won't compare to your cooking, A-Luo. But I wanted to try for you” 

Grabbing the bowl, he cradled it like one would a child. His fingers traced the rim with the spoon while the other held the ceramic. He didn’t scoop up any rice, he instead traced the surface in contemplation. 

Qingqiu was about to beg him to take a bite and show off how desperate he was. Before he could, Binghe took in a spoonful. But his face stayed blank. 

“If you don’t like it, I can call the cooks to—”

It was obvious. Shen Qingqiu knew Luo Binghe more than he’d ever fathom. But he honestly was taken aback when he saw the tears welling up under Binghe’s chin before they fell. They were fat tears, the kind that never seemed to end. They even landed in the bowl from the way he was hunched over. 

Binghe was a loud crier, he heaved like he couldn’t breathe. His body would shut down and he’d be left deflated from the sheer exhaustion. Qingqiu had never seen him cry like this, quiet and endless. He couldn’t help but tear up himself and think. 

Did Luo Binghe cry to himself like this when he was alone?

“Binghe,” Qingiqu moved the bowl from his hands and back to the table. 

Instantly he pulled Binghe into his embrace. He cradled his head and allowed his entire weight to slump against him. Even if he felt like he couldn’t prop him up for long. He wouldn’t let it stop him from persisting. It was a familiar desperation of hoping that with the sheer force of his hold could meld Luo Binghe back together. And as always it would be because he broke him apart to begin with.

Even if he couldn’t die— the plot wouldn’t allow it— It didn’t stop Qingqiu from panicking and stopping whatever harm came his lover's way. Even if he’d be injured in the process.

“‘M sorry,” Binghe sobbed into his shoulder, “I ruined your dinner, Shizun. I didn’t mean to— I don’t want to cry like this. I hate when I’m like this…”

Qingqiu pulled him closer if that was even possible. He wanted to joke. To ask if his cooking was all that bad. But it wasn’t time to make him laugh and move on from this. They had done this plenty of times before where they stopped themselves from reaching any emotional depth. 

Letting it bubble and murmur in the night instead of addressing it fully. But he wasn’t about to do that now.

“Don’t be sorry, Binghe. You did nothing wrong, you ruined nothing.” 

The tears didn’t stop, but it got quiet. The cicadas chirped and Binghe’s breath started to become soft. With his face wedged in between Qingqiu’s shoulder and neck, he felt the soft puffs against his nape. Almost like he was sleeping. 

But he spoke up, voice scratchy, “Are you sure?”  

Why was he always so cute in moments he really shouldn’t be? Qingqiu wanted to hold him until he became one with him, but he also wanted to eat him alive. He wondered if there was a middle ground there. He’d never know, he’d give Binghe his everything but he would not want him to know he did indeed, match his freak. 

Qingqiu drew circles on his back, “I’m positive, dear. You’d never ruin anything” 

Binghe settled in further. His arms were limp by his sides wrapped around Qingqiu’s waist and his face nuzzled further in his nape. 

“You spoiled me all day, Shizun and now you cooked for me. It was… scary ”

Qingqiu paused his motions for a second. He turned his head to face Binghe who stared at him from the side. That unknown was there in his eyes again, but it twinkled against the night sky. It didn’t flicker away like a flame without air. 

“Luo Binghe, what about spoiling you is scary?” His voice was soft and careful. It barely brushed against Binghe’s supple cheek, “I owe you many things, A-Luo. You must hold this abject lord forever liable”

Binghe pulled back, a pout on his lips. It was itchy, that feeling like he needed to touch him, Qinqiu’s arms found themselves slipping around his shoulders. There was an ache in his heart if he tore himself away from him for long. It was like searching for warmth in the morning air, burrowing yourself further into the comfort. 

It was an easy addiction to have. How he had lived without this was beyond him. Luo Binghe had truly ruined him.

“Abejct? My wife should not blather about the one who holds my heart. Shizun, even you cannot talk that way.” 

Binghe was serious in tone. There was a crease between his brows that intimidated Qingqiu even with his huge glossy orbs. So he did not question the title use.

“Luo Binghe,” he started. And Qingqiu could feel Binghe tense underneath his touch. His back straightened up and his eyebrows almost completely smoothed over. But the wrinkle between them stayed, softer than before, 

“This Shizun owes you more than you’d even begin to perceive. This Shizun—” his words were caught in his throat. Was he going to say it now? Could he even begin to put the words together to explain?

Qingqiu could feel his heart sinking and he couldn’t help but burn at Binghe’s touch and permiating gaze. He found salvation in the brick floor of their courtyard instead. 

He tried to avoid thinking of the way he felt about himself. The degrading words that always buzzed around him. It was as if the atoms that made up his body were all the things he hated about himself. Like a personal bubble of abhor and vitriol that never left no matter how many times he tried to wash it away and scrub it from his skin. 

It was embedded like the worst thorns piercing through his flesh. So it was hard for him to hold back the tears that laid on the corner of his eyes. They welled there, threatening to fall. 

“...Shizun?” 

Shen Yuan was the kind of person who knew they were going to cry before it registered. He’d talk and suddenly he’d be thrown into an emotion he could not continue to feel. A single word would dance on his tongue and he knew he would start to cry had he said it. 

His facial features would scrunch up, a familiar pull that alerted him that if he continued he couldn’t stop himself. Deep down he knew what he had to say and the thought of saying it scared him to the point that he would break down before he could utter another word.

Qingqiu steeled himself for a second. His hands gripped onto Binghe’s arms. Taking in a deep breath to stop the tears from welling up, he exhaled as he stared down at their feet. 

“Let’s sit, A-Luo” 

His voice came out soft and light. It lulled Luo Binghe in a state of calm so he easily took a seat on top of the mahogany table. Qingqiu stared into the stars, he could feel Binghe’s burning sight on the side of his face. 

He took Binghe’s hand into his own, pointing to the stars with the other, “Let’s stare at the stars for now, Binghe. Can you do that for me? This once, keep your eyes to the stars and off of me.”

Binghe looked up immediately, 

“Of course I can. Whatever you ask of me I will obey. Will you answer me if I ask why?” 

Qingqiu nodded. Not that the younger would see, “I want you to only look at beautiful things. And I’m afraid to be under your gaze when I say this, so please. Keep them occupied on the stars tonight”

Words jumbled in his head but no matter which one he looked at he couldn’t figure out which one to start with. It kept him frozen and unable to do anything. He knew what he had to say, he didn’t know how to deliver it.

“You give me so much, Binghe. I owe you more than my life amounts for. I needed to pay you back, I needed to give you the whole day after so many I’ve stolen. I’ve robbed you, A-Luo, yet you reward me.

“When you were younger, I did many unforgivable things. And it means nothing to you now, but I’m telling the truth when I say I thought what I was doing was going to help you. I didn’t think that I was hurting you, even though I saw you hurt.

“Since you were a child, I knew you were a demon. I knew I had to push you into the Abyss. And I knew that you’d hate me after. I didn’t think that I had harmed you so much, I didn’t know how deeply you were suffering. I thought it didn’t matter in the scheme of things, I thought… If I tried to be kind and care for you maybe you’d understand I loved you.

“Who I was before I cannot redeem, and I don’t expect you to either. I’m not who you think I am. I’m not…” he murmured, staring at Binghe’s beautiful face, “I used to be different, I used to look different.  And I thought that nothing I did mattered as long as I made sure you took the route in life you had to take in order to be who you are now. I should’ve tried harder, I should’ve told you to go into the abyss, I shouldn’t have hurt you Binghe.

“I am not Shen Qingqiu the peak leader, I am not anyone to look up to. I’m a fraud that stole Qingqiu’s name and I tricked you into loving me and I’m sorry.”

At the end, he couldn’t stand to look Binghe’s way. He wanted to rip his hand from his grasp and run off in any direction furthest from here. He laid everything bare and now it was Binghe’s turn to respond to it. 

He wouldn’t tell Binghe that he was not from this world, that his world doesn’t exist anymore. And when he dies he won't go back there, he’d be buried in the earth here. There’d be no reason to shatter Luo Binghe’s reality to that of a made-up world he obsessed over in his teens to adulthood. What good would that do? Break Luo Binghe further wasn’t a solution. 

It was cruel. 

Shen Yuan had already thought nothing he did mattered in this world. He thought no action he made affected anyone but himself. He was proven wrong when he saw Binghe break down because of his carelessness. No, he refused to let that happen again.

He couldn’t live with himself if he continued this lie for the rest of his life. What kind of wife would he be if all he did was lie to the one he loved?

The silence the night brought was no longer peaceful. It ate at Qinqiu’s fears and it settled in his bones. He could see the fall over the horizon, slowly inching closer and closer to him. 

Luo Binghe wasn’t going to catch him. He didn’t expect him to. 

“Did you always love me?” Binghe spoke up, his voice barely over a mutter. 

But as always, Shen Qingqiu was wrong.

It was careful and in a tone that Qingqiu had never heard from the other before. 

He turned to face him so he could answer and was surprised that even after what he said. Binghe still looked up at the stars just as he asked, 

“Yes, I always loved you” 

Shen Yuan loved Luo Binghe for a long time, even before he had seen him grow up into the man he is now. It took years for him to admit that to himself. 

He saw the way Binghe’s eyes began to get glossed over, and he chuckled to himself. The kind that made you drop your head and your shoulders. And he did, Binghe looked down at the brick floor, a single tear falling from his face before he spoke. 

“I knew it” he had a smile as he said it, you could feel the way his lips curled upwards.

It was too easy. 

This was too calm. 

“Luo Binghe is that what you’re stuck on? Did you not hear me?” He couldn’t help but panic, “I lied to you, I hurt you, I’m not your beloved Shizun”

Luo Binghe’s eyes finally met his, softly he whispered, “Sorry I broke my promise,” and he cupped Qingqiu’s face with a delicate warm hand.

“How can I not look at you?”

Shen Qinqiu was not expecting this warm response, nor was he expecting Binghe to lean in and pull him into a kiss. The kind where he held his side and pulled Qingqiu closer to him. Almost breathing life into the kiss, yet he was still petrified of closing his eyes. Scared that this was the end. 

When he pulled back he still had that smitten look on his face. Lips spread in a wide smile, his eyes were like crescents as his bread cheeks rose once more.

“When I was in the abyss, I couldn’t remember your face at all. Just the way you felt, the way the wind blew when you walked. The glow of your heart. It didn’t matter what you looked like. 

“When you died, when you disguised yourself I knew it was you. Not because of your face but because of the way your heart sang to me. The way you called for me in my dreams.

“I thought you hated me because I was a demon and I was angry because you never picked me. I thought I was broken, admissible… Knowing you cared for me the whole time. I’m so relieved”

Shen Qingqiu’s face fell into the palms of his hands. Eyes were wet with tears and he let out a sound from the depth of his throat. A visceral sob that he didn’t even know he was withholding within himself. The kiss on his lips was burning into his memories as if it were the last one. 

“Binghe,” He spoke through the sobs.

But all Binghe did was pull him in closer into an embrace. His arms wrapped around his shoulders and he tucked Qingqiu’s head under his chin. There was a warmth in him that sang to the elder and lulled him into a state of calm. 

His tears just wouldn’t stop, “Don’t you care that I’m a liar?” 

“So am I,” Binghe admitted with a smile, “You did everything for my sake, right?” 

Everything is for you. 

Shen Qinqiu’s original mission was to stay alive and make sure Luo Binghe made it to the Abyss where he needed to go. But even while he was working towards that goal he was making sure Binghe was safe and taken care of. 

He fed him and had him move into his home. He watched after him and scolded whoever harmed him or treated him badly. Sure, part of it was to make sure Binghe didn’t hold a grudge that would end up killing him. But there were moments when he did things not for the benefit of anything but his own heart. 

There was this itch to take care of Luo Binghe. To hold him close and watch him bloom into a strong young man who the world despised but never Shen Qingqiu. He wanted a beacon of light to always follow him and happiness to come to him always. 

Shen Qingqiu thought the best solution to all their problems was his death. The thing he was trying to avoid, but he did it for the sake of Binghe and the other sects. 

“Of course, I did everything for your sake,” Qingqiu looked up but was blinded by the pure smile on Binghe’s face, “It hurt without you knowing the truth, I needed to be open with you.”

“And you are.”

Qingqiu gave him a look. Eyes full of confusion and an underlying anger, brows furrowed further in confusion. 

“What? Did you expect I’d leave my darling over this? Do not think you are so easily thrown away.” 

Shen Qingqiu was exhausted. It was as if he were a rubber band pulled and stretched beyond capacity. But then it was all suddenly let go, even though the tension was gone he still felt torn beyond repair. Scared that he’d break with one final tug Qingqiu stayed vigilant. Waiting for the final shoe to eventually drop.

But nothing happened. 

Luo Binghe still stared at him with eyes that were calm like water from a pond. Only soft ripples came here and there but otherwise, the surface was almost that of a mirror.

“I wanted to be open with you about everything,” Qinqiu sighed, “I didn’t just expect you to throw me away. I expected you to be furious, I would be” 

Binghe chuckled, “After what I did and the way I acted. I don’t think I have the right to be mad at you. Not to the same capacity you might expect, at least,” he paused to think. Tapping his fingers against the edge of the table, “I’m taken aback, I can’t lie to you about that. But I also expected something way worse than you secretly caring for me all along.” 

In retrospect that made a lot of sense from an outsider's perspective. Beyond the obvious differences and complicated story details Qingqiu left out for the sake of Binghe’s sanity. It sounded ridiculous how he was concerned about his secret affection for the younger. Especially after everything. 

“That outcome doesn’t seem as terrible as the thought of you putting up with me just because you don’t want to see me hurt,” Binghe continued. But his voice once started calm started to slip into more soft, careful words. As if he was scared to say how he truly felt,

 “I know you’re sensitive to that, I used that against you because I thought that was the only way I’d have your attention was if I was hurt. I thought if you hated me because I was a monster there was nothing for me to do than act like the child you used to love” 

Shen Qingqiu cannot even deny that way of thinking. Because it was true, to an extent. He hated to see Binghe upset and to cry. It was a reminder that he was a victim and that this story was for him to finally find happiness in a world that never wished him any. 

He was— for a while at least before they found out the truth— an unwanted child to all. And Qingqiu could only seem to empathize with him when he was upset like one. He doubted Binghe ever had good intentions and that surely he had to have done all the evil others had accused him of. 

Qingqiu was in the wrong for not giving his disciple the benefit of the doubt until the truth was force-fed to him. Even when he had the foresight to know what would happen later. He was wrong for never being on Binghe’s side when he truly needed it most.

“I can’t even deny that, A-Luo,” Qingqiu confessed, “I doubted you had good intentions, and I didn’t consider your feelings until you acted like a child. But I never, ever, hated you.

“There are moments where you’re so… different. And It scares me because that means you’re holding back,” Qingqiu continued, “and If you’re holding back that means something is still wrong. The more I thought about it, the more I needed to tell you the truth. I don’t want us to be holding back from one another anymore. We’re beyond petty lies”

Binghe nodded, “Honestly always, right?”

“Of course. I’ll answer any question you have, all I ask in return is to be yourself with me. I love who you are, I love when you’re serious and I coo at the child you can be. I accept you wholeheartedly… So if you could return that to me, I’d owe you for the rest of my life”

“That’s a lot of responsibility, Shi—”

“Gege,” Qingqiu corrected, “Call me gege” 

Those simple words shocked Binghe more than what Qingqiu had confessed to him earlier. His eyes were as wide as saucers he seemed to be frozen in place. 

“Is that really okay? I never… I’ve never used that word before”

“We’re married, Binghe.”

“No, I— I know but still —” Binghe used his hands for emphasis, “You know?” 

Qingqiu couldn’t hold back a giggle. With his hands, he pushed himself off the tabletop and onto the floor. Smoothing down his robes he extended his hand, “Come on, A-Luo let’s eat.”

He pulled Binghe off the table before grabbing the tray, “We can reheat this in the kitchen” 

Already walking off he had to beckon Luo Binghe to follow him. He had still been in his thoughts but he was able to keep up with Qinqiu’s pace in their kitchen. 

It wasn’t until the pot had been hot enough for him to add their food before Binghe had spoken up. He idled by the countertop, hip to hip with the elder. Binghe ached for the contact between them but he didn’t want to ask. 

Of course, Qingqiu knew. Binghe thought he was being subtle with the way he accidentally let their shoulder brush or the way he twirled his hair with his finger. It was hard to ignore. 

“Binghe, you’re staring,” He hummed.

Luo Binghe jumped. Nervously he scratched at the nape of his neck. 

“If you want a kiss you can always ask,” he turned to the younger with a cheeky smile. 

He’d never seen Binghe so openly get shy around him, it was always a playful coy act he put on. It was cute to see him honestly flustered.

“No!— that’s not—” he huffed, “—It’s not cute if I ask .” 

“Of course it is, “Qingqiu gave him a peck to satiate him. He had this dopey look leftover, “It makes you very cute”

“Now,” Qingqiu poured their food back into their bowls. They weren’t as pretty as they were before, but it didn’t matter now, “What did you really want?”

“Gege, since we’re being honest. I have a question…”

He raised a brow, “What is your question?”

The silence after was deafening. Only the sound of the china bowls hitting the wooden tray reverberated in the kitchen. 

“...Binghe?” 

“Did you love anyone else? Before me, I mean.” 

Luo Binghe his his arms behind his back as he kicked a phantom rock on the ground. His luscious curls bounced around as he moved and Qingqiu couldn’t help but think of a black lotus blowing in the night breeze.

Qingqiu didn’t need to think about it. It took a second to ponder about who ‘anyone else’ was before he answered, “No.”

Peeking from his peripheral he paused, “Not even Liu-shishu?” 

Ah, the one person Binghe never seemed to shut up about. Qingqiu couldn’t help but roll his eyes at it.

 “Don’t tell me that's what you’re concerned about? Liu Qingge is no one important to me. Was that what you truly wanted to ask me?” 

Qingqiu was grateful he could be himself with Binghe like this. Liu Qingge really wasn’t that important plot-wise nor was he anyone Qingqiu cared that much about past a simple ‘he’s not the worst’ and ‘he doesn’t get in the way’ . Had he said this aloud the sects would riot. But with Luo Binghe? He truly wasn’t important at all.

“It’s petty of me to question your relations. But, gege, I’m… very insecure.”

Shen Qingqiu really wanted to say no shit, Sherlock. But it wasn’t the time to make jokes when he was being so forward. 

“What about Shang-xiong? You talk as if you’ve been close forever, but this one knows this not to be true. Even Mobei—”

“A-Luo, I wouldn’t have become your wife so eagerly If there was anyone else. There couldn’t be anyone besides you, do you doubt me that much?” 

Honestly, Shang Qinghua can’t stop causing trouble and he’s not even here. 

“No! Of course not!” 

Luo Binghe sighed and hid his face in his palms. Steeling himself for a moment he approached Qingqiu and fell into his embrace. Leaning his head on his shoulder he made Qingqiu’s arms wrap around himself. 

“If gege says it, it must be so. I’d never doubt your sincerity.”

Shen Qingqiu basked in Binghe’s radiance. It was an honor to have his arms ache from being able to hold the younger one like this. Even as he was pressed against the marble counter and the weight of Binghe had his lungs compacted. He could only take in slow shallow breaths but he didn’t mind it at all.

“What did you really want to ask?” Qingqiu murmured against the shell of Binghe’s ear. 

There was a soft press of lips against his neck that had him giggling under his breath. They trailed up his neck and over his face in ticklish tiny nips. He couldn’t help but giggle out a ‘Binghe!’ before he pulled back to face the elder.

“Earlier you said you aren’t Shen Qingqiu. You said that you stole his name,” Qingqiu could feel his heart in his throat, “If you aren’t Qingqiu, then who are you?”

“Do you truly want to know? I assure you who I am is anything but pretty”

Luo Binghe was beautiful. His eyes were a beautiful red but the color was closer to a ruby. The way it had depth, it had facets, and it shimmered in any lighting. But it had nothing on his soft nose and plush lips. His eyelashes were long and whenever he batted them they kissed his supple cheeks. 

He was utterly breathtaking. How could Qingqiu even compare to this?

Luo Binge ran his nose along Qingqiu’s, playing with his lips with his fingers. Running along the bottom lip, pulling it down before letting it bounce back up. 

“My wife is so beautiful, I’m terrified others will take you. I don’t even want you to breathe near anyone but me, let alone exist. I want the honor of seeing a side no one else ever will” 

“Then let us eat first, hmm?” 

Binghe paused for a second, “You mean me or the food?” 

“Luo Binghe!” 

The sound of his giggles reverberated in the halls of their home. It echoed through the rooms. And it settled the anxious thumping within Qingqiu’s chest.

“We have three hearts. A false one in their mouths for all the world to see, another within their breasts only for their friends, and third in the depths of their hearts, reserved for themselves alone and never manifested to anyone.”

Their bedroom felt weird when Qingqiu entered it. It felt foreign as if he’d been gone for months and finally made his return. 

Perhaps it was under a new light of honesty. He felt more himself and now he was here to claim his home again under a new reign. It felt nostalgic to him, running his fingertips against the surfaces of the tables and art pieces. 

Binghe had been quiet since dinner. They ate their meals together in peace per Qingqiu’s request as a pseudo-final meal to commemorate a trial they had successfully completed. He was being good, following close behind, until Qingqiu had sat him on their bed. 

“Oh my, dinner and a snack. When my wife suggested the bedroom, I didn’t think I’d be tasting a treat.”

Luo Binghe had heart shapes in his eyes, and he had posed himself like a meek virgin hungry to lose their virginity. He hunched his shoulders in a weak attempt to make himself smaller. While his fingers had gripped the comforter.

“Are you going to defile your sweet disciple?”

Shen Qingqiu didn’t have to say anything. He also didn’t know what he expected. It took a single raise of a brow and a stoic face for him to fix his posture. The younger coughed into his fist with an embarrassed muttered ‘sorry, sorry, please forget I said anything’. Leg crossed over the other like he was some higher being looking down upon his people.

“Not tonight,” Qingqiu sighed out. 

Binghe gasped with hands over his mouth, “You didn’t say no! ” 

He gave another look that spoke ‘We’ll discuss this later’. It worked in silencing Binghe further. Sitting up straight, his hands were clasped in his lap as he tried to look professional. Which was hard, because he had the goofiest smile on his face and his eyes were wide like he was afraid to blink.

Qingqiu spoke carefully, “Binghe, I’ll be very honest. I’ve been in your dreams more than once before without you knowing. Present in your memories I’ve discovered parts of you that made me fall even deeper for you.”

This version of Luo Binghe didn’t have the same vicious side that Bing-ge had. The power of dream walking and dream plaguing was one Binghe had not been aware he had the power of abusing. 

He instead used it like a child would. When made aware he did not purposefully use it to his advantage. There were moments he had unconsciously connected Qingqiu to his mind. But the other times that were purposeful were never for an evil reason like Bing-ge had been, attempting to torture Qingqiu in his sleep.  

Binghe most times would use it to imagine them kissing, extravagant dates that went against the law of physics and/or ethics, or to relive moments of their past. Which was not torture, even if he still slobbered over his lips when they introduce tongue (yes of course he gave into those dreams of his, why wouldn’t he? It was purely educational). It’s a work in progress! If Binghe was not capable the blame would solely have to be upon his shoulders. 

Luo Binghe’s face had turned from adorably focused to sullen within a second. Qingqiu felt the need to pet him or coo at his expression. 

It was quite a shock to hear his childhood crush and now wife had seen sides of himself that he had not approved of. Every face and word Luo Binghe had spoken had been carefully crafted to be what he envisioned as perfect. It’s why Binghe took a maiden-like approach. Not only was he truly big-hearted-eyed and an innocent Lotus, but he knew Qingqiu preferred it. Qingqiu likes cute people dammit!  

But the idea of his mind unconsciously forcing Qingqiqu in to witness whatever he had pleased terrified him. He had no idea what memories could be shown or when he had been inviting Qingqiu into his mind. And why hadn’t Qingqiu warned him that his own head was self-reporting?!

Binghe’s eyes widened at the confession and gasped with a hand over his mouth. 

“Gege, you— What did you see?” Binghe’s eyebrows were furrowed in worry while his eyes wandered around as if he was going through every memory to guess what the elder had witnessed from his mind. There were too many! Sob sob sob, Gege spare this one and tell him what you saw, please.

Binghe grabbed at the elder's pant legs, “You fell for me, so they had to be good. Was I charming?” 

Qingqiu couldn’t help but giggle behind his sleeve. But he ignored the question completely to continue explaining his plan.

“For tonight you’ll be visiting my dreams, but I will warn you it isn’t a dream like you probably are imagining.” Binghe’s fantasies being rejected had his shoulders slumping, “It’s anything but wonderful and endlessly beautiful. I need you to find me and promise to not wander”

Shen Qingqiu didn’t know what was kept in his dreamscape. He had no idea if the system had kept records of Shen Jiu within the body he occupied. Binghe also didn’t need to see his past memories of him sitting at a desk all day with technology he had never seen before.

It would be best if he was able to walk him through perfectly planned memories he knew were there. That way he could be open with Binghe in ways he wouldn’t have been able to describe. 

“I promise I’ll look for you, gege,” Binghe replied seriously. 

“Can you also promise to not visit unless you ask for my permission? I’ll always be open with you, A-Luo. But you must ask me first, do you understand?”

Binghe was eager to ask if he could do whatever he wished in those dreams. Like kissing younger Qingqiu for example. But he knew it wasn’t the time to be dopey. 

Binghe nodded, “I understand. I will not wander, I will not visit without your explicit permission”

Shen Qingqiu couldn’t help but internally scream at how adorable Binghe was. He was always so obedient and sweet. His face was so squishy and soft and his eyes were like a doe’s. He had to hold himself back from smothering him to death. 

“Ahem— Anyway, that’s really good. Now husband we shall rest.” 

Qingqiu didn’t complain when Binghe had begged to undress him the second he got under the sheets, fabric flying around the room. Although he loved to feign annoyance and act holier than thou, he preferred this. Being openly loved and torn apart and put back together was everything he could ask for. Being sore was part of the fun.

Sleep came soon after Binghe had cleaned them up and the warmth of his chest and thrum of his beating heart was pressed against Qingqiu’s chest. The abyss welcomed him with a single blink. It felt like he had fallen down. His heart and stomach dropped despite him standing on stable ground. 

Darkness consumed him. Flowers began to bloom beneath him and the unnatural light faded in. He emerged in his dream once more.

He was once more greeted by the rows of glass panes and Shen Jiu copies and their insane mutters. It was easy to ignore them but the humming and vibration of their combined whispers still inched up his skin. He was only afraid that if Luo Binghe had listened in he’d hear thoughts he never once wanted to come to light.

Shen Qingqiu tried to calm himself down. All he needed was to wait for Luo Binghe to locate his dream and infiltrate it. This time it would be the real one, not some ploy to get him to turn around and ambushed like last time. 

But he needed to find his own memories too before the younger had seen them. The last thing he wanted was to break Binghe’s worldview. Where would they be? He’d never made it far in here no matter how far he walked.

He assumed since this was merely a dream, he wouldn’t be able to access the system at all. But he had when he was in Binghe’s own, so he tested it out.

“Are you available here, 2.0?” 

【 The System provides comprehensive 24-hour support and a user-friendly online service. 】

“Good, you’re here. How do I find my memories, from my past life?” 

The sad life he left quite begrudgingly with breaths full of anger over this dumb book. The dumb book he had adopted as his new world. The dumb book that gave him the love of his life. He was becoming quite fond of the book, he wouldn’t lie.

【 The User must find the chapter from The Index. 】

“What the absolute fuck is an index?” Seriously after using three thousand points just to upgrade the system it still was as useless as ever!

【 The Index of your life is right in front of The User. 】

“In front of the— Oh. ” 

Shen Qingqiu wanted to slap himself in the face for his sheer stupidity. No wonder how far he walked it would lead to nothing. It was as if he was scrolling down a page and it brought you to the top once you reached the bottom. 

The rows upon rows of glass panes and Shen Jiu bodies represented different chapters in the original Shen Qingqiu’s body. It made sense, the last time he was here he saw his own self in front of him. What he said wasn’t expected, but it only made sense now that there would be a version of him here. 

“Why have I been seeing this?” 

【 During the update, you unlocked a Special Scenes function. The User can replay any scene you’ve unlocked. 】

“Have I just been accidentally loading into this?” Qingqiu pondered.

There were nights the system had talked to him and he had picked to collect all or clicked the exit button so he could sleep in peace. But he never knew he was accidentally picking a feature he didn’t even know he had. 

【   A “plot hole-filling” quest had been issued and accepted. You have entered the advanced-level quest scenario “The Third Heart.”  】

“What does that even mean? Why didn’t you tell me about it?” 

Qingqiu wasn’t even sure he wanted an answer. Usually, if he needed to do something the system would have alerted him about it. The fact that it didn’t alert him meant he must have no reason to worry about it. But it also meant he agreed to yet another quest without reading into it, how he’s alive he’s not even sure.

【   This quest is completely optional. The System did not need to update The User. The User also requested updates monthly unless it was a main advanced-level plot. This quest requires—】

No thank, you, he muttered in his head. He did not need another quest that somehow would end up with point deductions or secret items needing to be cashed in. Because for some reason every quest, no matter how small, would end up with Qingqiu almost dead.

“Yeah, yeah I get it. I’ll do that later. All I have to do is find me in here and I can access all my memories?” 

【  Correct. 】

“Will they…” Qingqiu sighed at the thought, “Will they look how I remember it?” 

Shen Yuan wasn’t one for nostalgia.  The only time he had reflected on anything, was after he stabbed Luo Binghe and dropped him into the Abyss. Before then there was nothing for him to miss. 

Even in the moments when he’d be alone and to his idle thoughts, nothing serious ever came up. He had perfectly assimilated to his role as a peak leader and only useless thoughts such as missing his local trips to the grocery store. Or walks to a gas station never really came to mind. 

Other than that it was pure hatred he had harbored towards himself. That only came up to haunt him when he was around Binghe, which now meant always. But he didn’t miss who he was, he was ashamed he was lying about it.

But now with the idea that he’d be able to go back and see parts of himself that were no longer there… It made his heart ache at the thought of it. He doesn’t know if time works the same here as it did back home. If his brothers cared, if his sister missed him, If his parents worried about him. 

Did they hold a funeral for him already? Had they said their goodbyes? Did anyone care? 

Shen Yuan didn’t want to mull over it. But there was a small part of him that missed his home, if only for his little sister he spoiled. It wasn’t anything deep, if he had a choice of home or here, he’d choose Binghe in a second. He couldn’t not feel something for where he came from, it was all feelings now. 

【   The System has simulated your world to perfectly assimilate with that of Proud Immortal Demon Way. All memories will remain the same otherwise. 】

Qingqiu let out a sigh of relief, 

“Good, Binghe will be okay, then.” 

“Who are you talking to?” A familiar voice rang from behind him again. 

Qingqiu was ready to turn and face the voice of his lover. But he also didn’t want to be tricked again. He’d look stupid if he asked the system if it really was Binghe because he’d have to justify talking to himself. Well, talking to himself, again.

He turned slightly, trying to peak through his peripheral, and was greeted by a taller form. It was really Luo Binghe. 

“You found me,” he faced the younger and outstretched his hand, “I was talking to myself…” 

Binghe tilted his head and quirked an eyebrow, “Are you being honest with me?” 

Qingqiu sighed. 

“Technically… yes. But I also can’t be truthful about that. You must trust me that, that detail isn’t important.”

“Who knew wives were so secretive,” Binghe accepted his outstretched hand with a dramatic sigh. Holding it, he pulled Qingqiu into his embrace, “I promise I won’t pry, then.” 

Luo Binghe was a saint, even after all his ne’er-do-well tendencies. Truly he gave Qingqiu chance after chance for the sake of keeping his affections. But he’d never truly understand that Qingqiu wasn’t being facetious or keeping him in the dark for the sake of torture. Would Bing-ge believe him if he said that to him? 

After being buried in between Binghe’s tits he felt reinvigorated.

“Stick close to my side,” He made sure to grab his hand as he walked in the direction of the panes.

“When am I not?”

 “And whatever you hear, ignore it.”

“Yes, sir!”

Binghe stood close by with their shoulders almost brushing from time to time. They walked in silence as he watched the Shen Jiu’s pass him by. Each one seemed to be a slightly different variation, from outfit changes or hair changes. But for him who’d ignored their existence, he didn’t notice this until now. 

He tried not to think about it. About how this man he was passing by without a second thought was the man whose life he stole. Even if these were memories, did they experience emotion? Did they hold any thought or independence, or did they stay here until it was useful for them to be acknowledged? It felt cruel watching these versions of him in distress, even if he was scum.

“What are you looking for, exactly?” Luo Binghe spoke up carefully. He had carefully picked his words as they passed figures trapped in glass panes. 

Qingqiu froze for a second but continued to walk, “A younger version of me. The pane should be broken” 

Binghe nodded, “So these are all…” 

“My memories. Each one represents a time in my life, there could be hundreds. I’m not sure” 

Qingqiu didn’t take count or notice anything different between the Shen Jiu’s. He didn’t know how far the index stretched out before it looped again. With most of them curled up into themselves or lying collapsed on the floor. Qingqiu didn’t even notice that they were getting any younger. He was sure that he hadn’t seen any child versions of himself. 

Unless Shen Jiu was freakishly tall for a child? God, he was shitty and a tall freak wasn’t he?

“Can they talk?” 

One of the many was the original that had taken Binghe into his home. His beacon of hope before he started his reign of abuse. A small part of Qingqiu worried that he’d react badly if he saw him.

Only one did, but he didn’t want to risk Binghe trying to communicate with him. The whispers and murmurs in the air were soft hymns of ‘liar’, ‘traitor’, or ‘false one’ was enough for him to not want contact between them. And that was just the surface ones.

“They don’t react at all, I’ve tried before but they sit there repeating the same phrase.”

“Oh…” Binghe sounded disappointed and wistful. 

Qingqiu stopped walking to face the younger. 

“Why do you ask?”

“I thought it was like before,” he looked down at his feet, “Gege, remember when that other me came?” 

“Yes, I do quite remember” 

Binghe rolled his eyes and seemed peeved at the mention of the ‘ real Binghe’. He was peeved that he’d remember such a person. Why are you mad? You brought him up!

“I know that he’s… Me. But you seemed… almost acquainted. As if you knew him before that moment. Seeing you here like this,” He gestured to the curled-up forms on the floor, “I thought maybe it was the same”

If there had been another Shen Qingqiu out there, he was a thousand percent sure he would have killed him without question. Or it would be a Shang Qinghua to deal with the monster he quite literally created. Let’s hope that never does happen.

“This is different, A-Luo. He was a real person, he was you. These are mere fragments of myself split into chapters. Each one went through something else that changed him over time. Remember when I told you that I knew what would happen to you?” 

Binghe nodded. His bottom lip wedged between his teeth anxiously. Even his hand gripped tighter around Qingqiu’s own.

“He’s who you could’ve been had I continued down the route a version of me started. With your sword, and the ability to create portals wherever. He was in search of a better life than he had. He’s a future I never wanted you to become. He’s gone through a lot so think kindly of him.” 

And wherever he went,  I hope he found what he was looking for. 

“I should say the same to you, Gege,” He slid a hand down the side of a glass pane as he walked past it. It was soft and delicate, “I don’t know everything about you, but I think you should think kindly of these versions of yourself too. You’ve been avoiding even looking at them.” 

“Binghe, I hurt you. They hurt you. How can you be so kind to them?” 

“Because I don’t see them as you. If you say to think kindly of a version of me I didn’t become. You should think kindly of versions of yourself you stopped yourself from continuing”

There wasn’t much to say. How should he even respond to those wise words? Qingqiu was at a loss and he could only try to fight back tears that again threatened to well up. The only thing he could muster up was a weak, “You’re right, A-Luo”

But the tears didn’t linger. The feeling of sadness washed away within seconds. He needed to compose himself. 

“Hey,” Binghe scoffed, “It’s my job to be the crybaby. Not you” 

It brought a soft smile to the elder's face. Truly what a marvel he was.

“It’s cute when you do it.”

“You think I’m cute?”

Yeah, I’m ignoring that.

“Gege…” Binghe whined out.

Qingqiu patted his robes down to smoothen the wrinkles. He outstretched his hand for Binghe to grab and continued down the path into the endless darkness. Hand-holding immediately calmed Binghe down. With each step, it lit up the floor with jade green and vermillion as they walked down the aisle of panes. 

He didn’t know how long it took for him to even find himself. But it was obvious from a mile away when he found the right pane. It was the first out of them all, the glass was shattered within itself. It looked frosted yet aged with time. But this version of himself stood tall and his hair was interwoven with fresh-snow lotus’. 

Aside from it being the only one that looked like him. Qingqiu didn’t understand why this one in particular was so special.

Beside it were new panes he had never seen before. The figures got smaller and were blacked out. It was as if they were in a dark shadow but everything else around them was lit. But no light that emitted cast on them at all. 

“Gege, what are these?” Binghe approached them but even attempting to touch them, his fingers went right through them as if they were only a reflection on calm water. 

They were smaller than the others, and Qingqiu could only infer they were younger Shen Jiu. 

“Repressed memories?” He took a guess. 

【 These are locked memories. This User has not unlocked these, they are not ready for preview. 】

So they’re useless! Why even tempt him with the idea that he could see whatever Airplane wrote for Shen Jiu’s background if he couldn’t even access them?!

“We can worry about that later. We came for this.” 

Qingqiu turned to face himself. A part of himself knew what to do as if it were built into his body. The system did not chirp out a smart remark about what he had to do, he didn’t even want to ask. It was nature.

He pressed his two hands against the glass carefully. He was scared that he’d break it if he put too much pressure. Shen Yuan followed suit, his eyes bore holes into him as they glared at him. All it took was for him to press his cheek against the cold glass, feeling warmth bubble underneath from Shen Yuan's body heat. 

There was a chime that rang through the quiet abyss. The glass started to emit light before it swung open, jerking Qingqiu backward. The rush of falling backward stopped as his back hit Binghe’s chest. The pane opened like a glass door, and Shen Yuan was gone from it. Leaving a dark doorway in its wake.

The doorway’s shape was unlike anything he’d seen in this world. It looked identical to his old home with certain parts of it changed. The simple dark wood was more extravagant with engraved carvings of cranes. But right at the top, in the middle of the frame was the character Yuanshen.

There was a part of him that was scared. It was his name, but it was more than that. There was a deeper meaning behind his name, one he hadn’t put together until now. 

“Primordial spirit,” Luo Binghe caressed the intricate carvings, “I’ve read this before… You used to read about this all the time.” 

There was a lilt of nostalgia in his voice. You could hear the smile when he said it. 

Qingqiu could only dumbly nod. He didn’t remember this, it must have been the original Shen Qingqiu’s favorite book. He had only found the book in passing on his desk one day and hadn’t committed it to memory. It seemed unimportant until now.

“It is what remains of a person's soul after they are deceased. Yuanshen is like a second life.” 

Shen Qingqiu wondered if his dying and coming here was more than a coincidence that he knew the exact password to enter. That he was chosen at random. But now, he wondered if Shen Jiu had secretly planned this all along. Had he been searching for a better life himself, like Bing-ge had? Shen Qingqiu didn’t know if was chosen specifically, but he felt more at ease knowing that somehow, Shen Jiu’s life wasn’t stolen from him on a whim.

“It makes sense,” Qingqiu spoke up, “This was who I was before” 

Luo Binghe held out his hand with a soft smile, “Are you ready?” 

“No. But I don’t think I’d ever be.” 

The descent into the door was like when you adjusted your eyes from the dark to the light. The room faded into existence and it was just as the system described. It was his home to the exact scratch on the floorboards from moving furniture. But it was indistinguishable from the architecture he grew used to. 

His home here seemed like a normal common folk home. There were no gold embellishments, rich fabric did not cover their furniture, nor silk curtains that covered the windows. In comparison to the palace he’s accustomed to, it was simple.

The photos on the walls were mere paintings on linen rolls that hung on the wall. It was his whole family with framed accomplishments they had achieved. 

“It’s been years since I’ve been home,” Qingqiu couldn’t help but chortle, “Well not home anymore.” 

He leaned over the couch and let his fingers splay across the fabric. He remembered nights with his siblings when they’d sit and watch the television while they talked idly about their day. He could recall the stains and tears they created when they were kids. 

They stopped past their teen years, but it was still heartwarming to know he had etched them in his memory. Even the kitchen setup was the same with the fridge replaced by a drying rack of herbs and meat.

“You lived here?” Binghe gazed at the paintings, lost in thought. 

“For most of my life, yes, you know, before I moved to the sect. It’s funny how happy I am to see a chair I barely used.” 

Binghe chuckled, it sang to Qingqiu. Beautiful. 

“Are these your siblings?” 

Qingqiu hummed, “Two older brothers, one younger sister” 

“What are their names?” 

Qingqiu paused to think. But no matter how hard he tried to remember the words never came to pass. As if the mere memory had left him, not even the guilt of forgetting his sibling's name was left behind. He had purely forgotten as if they never existed, to begin with. 

“I…” Qingqiu’s shoulders deflated, “I don’t remember” 

Binghe looked at the elder from the corner of his eye. Sensing the shift his voice was warm, “I don’t remember my mothers either” 

He wanted to comfort Qingqiu. He wanted to show he wasn’t alone, and that kind heart of his he wanted to nurture for the rest of his life. 

They wandered the home for what felt like forever but were mere moments. The impending doom was slowly coming into view. The further in the home they went, the further the exit was. But the closer the truth was. 

His bedroom door felt heavy. He had to prop his arm against the door and push it open with more force than he expected. With Binghe behind him, it felt even heavier. 

It was as if he’d been transported back in time. Everything in his room looked the same as he last remembered it. His bed was undone with the comforted half on the floor. His desk was covered in books and letters as opposed to his old computer setup that had his complaints typed up. It was unfinished.

Proud Immortal Demon Way sat open on its last page and below was a letter mid-written. The last comment was unfinished but it made Qingqiu giggle at the sight of the words ‘Dumbfuck author, dumbfuck novel’.  He was grateful Binghe wouldn’t be able to fully translate what the book or his letter said. 

What was less funny was the person sitting in his desk chair. A younger version of himself was collapsed over the desk. His glasses from his collapse had broken and laid on the desk cracked. His hair was short and his outfit looked like basic sage green robes. But he looked a mess, his hair had stuck up in places and his robes were unkempt. Only he would know this was the last breath he took. 

“I couldn’t have looked more presentable?” Qingqiu sighed disappointedly. 

“Gege,” Binghe approached carefully. Scared he’d overstepped his bounds. But once he was given the all-clear he patted Shen Yuan’s head like one would a cat, “You were so cute”

“My hair looks so dumb from behind,” Seriously what was he thinking with that undercut? Did he seriously think he was cool?

His being was laid bare fully to Luo Binghe. But it still felt like it was nothing in comparison to the way he felt about himself. It was like a speck of the weight he felt that weighed on his shoulders and ached in his heart. In retrospect, like most issues, once seen from an outside perspective everything seemed so simple when you weren’t engulfed in it. 

At first, it was cool to see him in robes and at a desk that wasn’t made of melamine. It was true hardwood, and the chair wasn’t an uncomfortable expensive gaming chair. It was a regular wooden chair with padded armrests and a cushion. 

But the other part of him could only mourn the person he was. Drawing circles in his back, he said a farewell with a solemn frown. If he had to die in order to live the life he had now, he would do it all over again. His only wish was he wished he treated himself better. He wished he didn’t learn to despise himself. 

Shen Yuan had his whole life planned out for him. His older brothers would take over the family business, his younger sister would get married to anyone of her choosing, and he would remain the babied child with no worries. Working wasn’t an issue, his parents although dismissive and neglectful would fund his entire life. As long as he didn’t bring shame to the family or ruin their stocks he could rot in his room all he wanted. 

I guess that is all I did…  

Shen Yuan’s life amounted to nothing and he died with nothing. Yet he gained as thrice as much as he lost. 

“This is who I was before, I was nothing. I wasn’t a sect leader, I wasn’t powerful nor wise, I wasn’t… scum. I never wanted to hurt a single hair on your head and I vowed to protect you from any harm. Yet all I did was harm you, Luo Binghe”

“When you say my name like that I feel like I did something wrong,” he responded wistfully, “I forgave you the day you gave me that medicine. And everything after, everything you did for my sake nulled any anger I harbored. But even then, I was never angry with you. I thought I deserved that punishment and all I had to do was work hard for you to praise me. I wanted to be a disciple worthy of your longing gaze”

“You had it the second I saw you.” 

Binghe wouldn’t know that the day he gave him the medicine was the first for him. The second he got to this world he was ready to jump out the window in search of the younger boy.  

“Mine as well, the day you chose me I gave my heart to you.” 

Qingqiu couldn’t help but scoff, “Do not give it to that old freak. The me of today deserves it more.” 

Binghe laughed deep within his stomach. It rumbled and had his eyes closed and almost hunched over, “Please be more selfish like this. This doleful one feels more at ease when you’re the one begging”

Ah, he truly had defiled this one. 

A thought came to mind. It itched at the back of his mind. 

“And after?”

Luo Binghe paused. His doe eyes enlarged in curiosity, “After?” 

Qingqiu didn’t want to ask. At the same time, he wanted to know that information. It was crucial to him. 

“When you came back. When I saw you… When you fed me your blood—” That piqued his interest, “After the abyss, when did you forgive me?” 

“When it was too late. Honestly, I always wanted to forgive you. That anger settled within my soul and carved its way through my bones. I wanted to know what I did, how I could fix it, and how you could do this to me. But when I saw you… You were as beautiful as the day I lost you and for some reason, my heart couldn’t take it.

“But I was too childish to see my anger was clogging my senses. When you detonated, Ning Yingying told me everything and I vowed to put you back together myself and earn the right to stand by your side once more.” 

Shen Qingqiu’s heart felt like it could burst at its seams. Yet, he felt fine knowing that somehow someway. Binghe would find a way to put him back together. Because he always had, he’d exhaust his own life for a chance of saving Qingqiu’s.

“I felt guilty,”

With an outstretched hand, he cupped Binghe’s cheek. Reveling in it, Binghe nuzzled his nose in his palm. He kissed his palm while his eyes stayed fixed on Qingqiu.

 “I didn’t know how to say I was sorry. So instead, I scolded you like a child and believed others over you. After I had raised you so well.” 

Binghe bit onto his palm. Nothing hard, just a dull press of his fangs into the flesh. It dragged along his skin as he pulled his hand back. The younger pouted for a moment but just as fast as it appeared, it went away with a giggle. In turn, he paid attention to Shen Yuan. 

“I could be wrong, gege. I do not see the differences between you and this one here,” Binghe lifted the bangs off of Shen Yuan's forehead. Leaning down to get a better look at his face. Eventually, he positioned him in a sitting-up position so he could see him in full. 

“Gege.” 

Qingqiu dropped his focus on the sound of his laughter reverberating in his head. The sound of Binghe’s voice wasn’t concerning but it was alerting, with a lilt of something he couldn’t grasp. 

“Isn’t this you now?” He asked with furrowed brows. 

 “Yes, as I told you the me of today and old me are different but the same. I used to look like that before I came to Qing Jing Pea,” Qiingqiu scoffed, “I wasn’t as beautiful or elegant as I appear now”

With a cute puppy-like head tilt Binghe continued, “Have you not noticed, gege? This is how you’ve always looked.”

Luo Binghe’s rose-tinted glasses had truly fooled him into believing that Shen Yuan was beautiful. Had he been anyone else who saw Qingqiu for who he really is could tell the difference between meek mortal Yuan and immortal cultivator Jiu from a mile away. Qingqiu could only scoff at the statement, they were only a fourth similar. 

Extending his hand he cupped Shen Yuan’s shoulder to turn him around so he could face him. Proving their differences to the blind demon. 

The second he faced himself Shen Yuan in the chair suddenly opened his eyes and with a soft whisper spoke, 

“Look.”

“What the—”

Luo Binghe gasped, “Shizun—!” 

Turning around in the direction Binghe had been staring in was a tall pane of glass. It was empty and cracked like the one he had seen before. It was clean, however, so clean he could see his reflection in it. 

It made him pause. Looking at himself and the other one in the chair. His eyes scoured every inch of his face for any discrepancies but all he saw was Shen Yuan’s twin staring back at him. 

“I don’t understand… I don’t— I’ve never— Why do I look like this?”

【 The User’s new body has adapted to your own for the best assimilation.】

Shen Qingqiu had seen himself when he first arrived in this world. The person in the mirror was not his face staring back at him. It was jarring and uncomfortable. From the eyes that bored into his own to every mole and scar on his face. 

Shen Jiu’s face was one of endless torment. It sent ripples in the calmest pond. It made the proudest cower and curl. It was ethereal, traitorous, it was a face anyone remembered. From either pure adoration or dread, It haunted people for eons. 

It was the very thing that came into his mind and bellowed every minute fallacy. It was a reminder that he was a sham, he was a corpse pretending he was still alive. He was a ghost of a man, living in the shell of a monster.

His reflection was one he avoided at all costs. It made no sense that suddenly he looked like himself. If he did, if he had, then what was everything for? 

There was no explanation other than this. This had to be the form he took in the Index. That had to be it.

He didn’t even think to speak in his head. In a fit of panic, he spoke aloud, “When did this happen?” 

【 The User has fully assimilated since cultivation in the scenario “Liu Qingge’s Death”. For best coalescence, the change was made in Ling Xi Caves. 】

Once the system finished its statement, Shen Qingqiu paused, “But that was years ago”

Luo Binghe, unaware of who he was speaking to, responded, “What was, gege?” 

“I—” He could only bury his face in the palms of his hands, shutting out the memories.

The training in Ling Xi Caves took several months of his time. With the hopes of it benefiting Binghe in the future, and somehow saving Shen Qingqiu’s image. He made a rash decision on instinct alone. 

He remembered he felt reinvigorated after. Both his eyes shone brightly, and his immortal figure now felt distinctly different from how it had been. The first conclusion, he had risen one level above his original cultivation base. Not that he had suddenly over time changed his appearance. 

Had he been deluding himself this whole time? If this was true, then who was he seeing in the mirror that he hated so? 

“It was me.” 

A voice new to his ears, but for a reason he couldn’t explain. It felt like someone he knew quite well. 

Luo Binghe wasn’t on edge. The sword in his hilt was not drawn nor did he hover a hand over its scabbard. Which only scared Qingqiu even more than who he had to face was someone Binghe did not deem a threat. Because despite it all, his heart was in his throat and his stomach felt like it descended into the abyss. 

Qingqiu wasn’t stupid. For there was only one person Binghe would never dare to think or plan to raise his sword to. Not now at least. The voice had to belong to that of a person he had trusted wholeheartedly.

It was his own. 

The glass in front of him glimmered. It was as if he stared down an endless hallway, and walking down it was himself.

“You knew it to be true,” Shen Yuan spoke, “You’d figure it out eventually. You’re a fraud, you’re a liar, and you hate yourself for it. I hate myself for it. And so you hid me away where no one could find me.

“Are you truly okay with letting it go? I know the pain of having you be me, of me being myself. But you can’t just move on and forget that the approval you need isn’t Luo Binghe’s” 

“It’s my own,” Qingqiu finished. Shen Yuan knew he would too. A smile grew on his face, small but there.

He knew it. Maybe not now, but down the line, it will truly hit. Secretly he’d been hating himself solely for things he could’ve talked about. For mistakes, he could’ve apologized for. Even knowing Shen Jiu’s body easily could break down due to qi deviation he felt a weakness inside of himself. But even so, it felt deeper than that. 

Shen Yuan looked at Binghe. His eyes were soft, “He’d forgive you for anything. That’s what you think, right? That’s why you can’t forgive yourself. You think this Luo Binghe would let you get away with anything if, in the end, he has your heart.”

“No, that’s not true—”

“—Isn’t it?”

“If Luo Binghe abandoned me I would never blame him. If he decided one day to tear me limb from limb… I’d let him, and I’d never stop apologizing for what I caused. I hate myself because I’m scared I can’t give him what he wants and needs. But I also don’t want anyone else to have him, either.”

Shen Yuan sighed and placed his hand on the glass. Tracing shapes and patterns into the shattered lines, “Shitty right?” 

“I am shitty! But I do not see him as someone pathetic who accepts anyone, I taught him better than that. Luo Binghe is not a child. You and I know he’s capable of forgiving those who deserve it and those who do not!

“I’ll never stop trying to right my wrongs. This anger I have towards myself, I can let it all go. For me to be happy, truly happy, I lead him here. I lead him to my truth, even knowing he could abandon me just as I did him all those times. And I’d deserve it. You of all people are not going to stop me from loving Binghe and in turn; letting him love me for who I am” 

“Do you mean that?” 

Shen Yuan was condescending, he was a dickhead and he knew it very well. He knew he was stubborn, he second-guessed himself while claiming to be the most honest and trustworthy. This here, was the worst version of himself. 

It was his internal dialogue that plagued his thoughts and fed on every increment of insecurity. Everything Yuan said, Qingqiu knew fully well he had thought the same. He had told all of this to himself before. But it wasn’t out loud, in front of a silent Luo Binghe. Binghe who was left to idly piece things together. 

Shen Yuan was his worst enemy. But he needed to let that mirage go; he needed to put back what he had sealed away. 

“You know what has to happen. Don’t you?”

“A heart’s a heavy burden.”

Shen Qingqiu took in a deep breath before he reached out towards Shen Yuan. It felt like a viscous liquid as his arms went through the glass. Shen Yuan’s arms wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him in close into his embrace. It felt like those summer days you let yourself be swallowed by the sea. 

It was comforting, soft, yet weightless. And as if the sun shone down before them, his skin felt warm. He always wondered what a hug from himself would feel like, and Qingqiu could only describe it as safe. His body against the other was soft and the smell of persimmons wafted off his hair. 

They held one another for what felt like years. It only took seconds for the warmth to be gone. Qingqiu could only watch as Shen Yuan disappeared within himself with a single kiss pressed to his forehead as his final goodbye.

When he stood up straight, holding himself in his arms. He basked in the last hug from his old life. Letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, his tense shoulders relaxed. He felt arms wrapping around his waist and a kiss pressed onto his shoulder. 

He woke up. 

【 Unlocked achievement “Echoes of The Aster.” Keep up the good work! We look forward to your next mystery achievement unlock. Continued efforts required, continuing “The Third Heart”】

What greeted him was not the grogginess nor the pit in his stomach that usually came after his dreams. It was the echoes of the system notification ringing in his ear and the glimmers of light against his eyelids. 

The sun that filtered into their bedroom was soft and light. It was the sunrise peaking over the horizon. The sky was still dark hues of purple but slowly peeks of periwinkle and a dusting of dandelion were starting to show.

Their home was quiet and the air was still. He could hear every breath he took, staring up at their ceiling. Searching, he called Binghe’s name out and turned his head to find his lover. There was a sudden burst of energy from where Binghe lay, as if adrenaline was injected into his veins. 

The younger sat up as if in panic when he noticed Qingqiu was not curled up on his chest. He let out a breath of relief when he realized he was beside him all along. Binghe’s shoulders once up to his ears settled down as he relaxed. Qingqiu reached out a hand to cup the youngers lower back but suddenly the air was taken out of his lungs. Binghe had jumped on top of him and pinned Qingqiu to their bed while peppering kisses all over his face.

He was like an eager puppy who was excited to see his owner after a long day apart. He wished he could yank him off just so he could get a breath of air. Though the thought of him on a leash made him groan knowing Binghe would most likely be into that sort of thing. If the weight on his thigh was anything to go by. 

“A-Luo, I’m awake already. You do not need to keep doing that”

Binghe giggled, he wagged his tail, “It’s a husband's job to shower his wife in kisses”

He began to sit up, taking Binghe with him as the younger settled in his lap. Though he was bigger than Qingqiu, he still managed to sit in his lap with no issues. Affectionate arms wrapped around his shoulders and Binghe nuzzled his face in the crook of his neck. Per usual, he needed the elder near or he’d die. 

“It’s early. Why are you so eager?” His voice was still heavy with sleep, its vibrato was akin to floorboards creaking. 

“Gege valiantly fought for me. How could I not be eager?” 

Shen Qingqiu didn’t think yelling at himself was a very courageous thing to do. It was nothing but his torment put into physical form, it was a tutorial boss at most. But seeing how happy Luo Binghe looked and the glowing halo over his head. It made him think he had truly done something amazing. 

“Love,” Binghe’s eyes were glossy when they locked on one another, “I’m so grateful to you. You’ve entrusted me with memories I’ll forever hold dear. Allow me to celebrate this day”

Qingqiu chortled. He leaned his forehead against Binghe’s chest and wrapped his arms around his nude waist, “If that is what you wish. I will not stop you.”

Binghe cupped Qingqiu’s face and pulled him into a soft kiss. One that would lull you back to sleep. It was slow, lazy, and languid. For once it was not rushed, it was drowned in with the way he let their breaths in. They were practically panting into each other's mouth when Binghe started to run his tongue along Qinqiu’s own. 

It tied a knot in his stomach and with Binghe’s warmth against his he felt like he was going to burn up all over. His eyes were dazed and almost rolled back before he focused once more when he heard Binghe giggle as he pulled away. 

“Why don’t we wash up, hmm?” Binghe brushed Qingqiu’s hair out of his face. 

Qingqiu could only dumbly nod and let Luo Binghe drag him to their small bathhouse. He wasn’t even bothered by their lack of clothes, all he focused on was the pitter-patter of their feet against the floor. Laughter echoed through the hallways, he was sure their attendants had either heard them, saw them, or both.

But it didn’t matter when his hand was in Binghe’s. 

The warmth of the bathwater didn’t even register when Binghe sat next to him, laying a head on his shoulder. He could only stare at their conjoined fingers that rested upon his knee. The lull of the morning was still heavy in the steam. 

Underneath the bathhouses roof, he could still see the sun rising. The cicadas chirping softened down and the birds began to sing. But all he focused on was the even breathing from Binghe’s lips. 

“Thank you for showing me your secret,” Binghe’s voice was soft. But with sleep still lingering, it rumbled within his throat and it buzzed against Qingqiu’s shoulder.

“Thank you”

Binghe shifted, “Why are you thanking me?” 

“For loving me despite that… There are things I won't ever be able to explain to you. Not because I don’t want to tell you, I wanted you to know who I really am, who I was”

Luo Binghe was quiet. For a while, he thought the younger had simply fallen back asleep.

He sat up and Qingqiu could feel his eyes on him. 

“I think what’s more important is who you are now. Who you chose to be in this moment. I want to focus on more important things.”

“What else is more important?” 

Qingqiu turned to look back at Binghe, his eyes were pools of warmth and affection.

“The way the wind blows your hair, the feeling of the earth beneath your feet; feelings. We both have done things we’re not proud of, I want us to live for tomorrow, not for who we were years ago. They don’t exist anymore”

“My disciple is so wise,” Qingqiu ran his thumb over the other's knuckles. 

“I learned from the best, Shizun” 

He gasped, a hand over his mouth., “Sorry! It’s a habit. I’m not used to calling you anything else” 

“Luo Binghe,” 

He thought he’d be scolded. How many laps around the courtyard did he need to do to make up for this?

“Why don’t you call me by my name? Hmm?” With a free hand, he cupped his cheek. 

“That’s very… Are you sure? I mean— I want to, yes — Can I?”

He nodded, waiting for the younger to take in a deep breath. 

“Shen Qingq—”

“Yuan.”

Luo Binghe’s breath hitched, “What?”

“My name is Shen Yuan.”

Shen Yuan had seen the glimmer of the sun reflecting upon its surface. He’d seen the way stars twinkle at night, as if they were lighthouses on each side of the universe saying hello. But he had never seen someone's eyes light up like bursts of fireworks, like the rainbow refractions of gems.

Luo Binghe looked like he was close to crying. But instead, he bit his bottom lip to hold it in. It was a sudden movement that knocked the wind out of him, Binghe tenderly embraced his shoulders. 

“I love you, Shen Yuan.” 

Shen Yuan thought this wasn’t so bad. 

“I love you too, Luo Binghe.”

That world he came from would never fully return. When he died, his body would be buried here. And if he lived on forever, he wouldn’t choose any other place to be than here. But who he was, who he is, who he’ll continue to be?

It wasn’t so bad to be himself. 

【 Congratulations! You have successfully completed the secret quest, “The Third Heart.” Reward: Protagonist satisfaction points + 69,000 】

How the fuck—

【 Unlocked Achievement "Pre-Vow Perks: Achieved the ‘No Regrets’ Milestone" ദ്ദി(ᵔᗜᵔ) 】

“Why am I being shamed for premarital sex that saved the world?! Why did that just appear?!!”

【 The System updates when satisfaction point requirements are met. Secret Advanced-level plot unlocked. Would The User like to reveal the quest?】

Shen Yuan sighed, “Just fucking tell me what it is. I’m sure it’s not as complicated as whatever I went through today.”

【 Secret Advanced-level plot ღ´͈ ᵕ `͈ )♡⃛(´͈ ᵕ `͈ ღ“Unexpected Legacy: Maternity Mission for Mini Martial Artists”( ˶˘ ³˘(⋆❛ ہ ❛⋆)!♡ Quest is Mandatory  Continued efforts required.】

“WHAT!??”

【 However, due to extraordinary circumstances, a new reward has been activated. Reward: Wedding Band with Marquise Ruby, Wedding Band with Asscher Emerald! (*ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ*٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡  Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations!】

“WHATS UP WITH THESE EMOTICONS????!”