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“Mama—”
Harry’s small voice was muffled by the chunk of rice in his mouth as he’d spooned too big of a bite into his mouth. His mother eyed him and he quickly swallowed before continuing.
“When’s Dada coming home?”
James had spent the weekend away with Sirius as a way to distract the latter from the death of his brother, so Harry and Lily had spent the two days entertaining each other without the other man here. Unfortunately, it had been raining the whole day so Lily wasn’t able to get Harry out in the sun for even a little while. Now, they sat at the dinner table, the heavy, on-going storm pounding the roof above them as they ate in peace.
Lily checked the clock that hung on the wall near her bedroom before turning towards Harry and answering with: “In half an hour, sweetheart.”
She watched with a small smile and Harry frowned, his eyebrows furrowing as he processed her answer. He took another bite of food and turned to her. The little boy opened his mouth to speak before he remembered what his parents always said (“Haz, don’t talk with food in your mouth baby.”) and closed his mouth to continue chewing slowly.
Lily sat patiently, excusing herself to leave her plate in the sink before coming back, as she waited for him to speak.
“How much minutes is that?”
Harry had just started being able to formulate sentences and the gaps in between his teeth gave him a thick lisp that made his ‘s’s blend into ‘th’s.
“Thirty,” she answered, leaning her chin onto her cupped hands to wait for her son to finish his dinner. Harry’s jaw dropped open at her answer, leaned back in his high chair, far too dramatic for a three-year old, and whined: “But that’s so long! I want him now!”
Lily's mouth opened in mock offence as she let out a breathy laugh and put a dramatic hand to her chest, tilting backwards ever so slightly.
“Am I not enough for you?!”
This made Harry giggle, as he sat back into his chair properly, pushing away his now empty plate. Lily smiled softly and picked up the plastic plate and spoon, discarding them into the sink as her son spoke.
“You are! But I miss Dada.”
“I’m only joking sweetheart, I miss Dada too.”
The small brunette boy raised his hands in the air, a telltale sign he wanted out of his chair and waited as Lily bent down ever so slightly to lift him up and tuck him against her hip. Harry squealed as her fingers dug into his ribs lightly, tickling the three-year old with no mercy while he squirmed and laughed on her lap.
“What’d you wanna do while we wait for Dada, Haz?” Lily spoke, sitting herself down on the couch and plopping Harry onto her lap as his face frowned, clearly deep in thought.
She could hear the boy humming as he ran through different ideas in his head before answering, his voice excited and bubbly: “Planes!”
Lily laughed, the sound filled with delightful warmth as Harry ran across the living room, his small legs moving faster than one would deem possible; to get the toy planes he had discarded in the corner earlier that day.
The red-head couldn’t begin to explain just how overwhelmed with love she felt at merely hearing her son’s voice, let alone seeing his adorable smile. After her miscarriage she was scared she would never be able to have children, but oh she did, and Harry was everything she could have ever hoped for.
While she wouldn’t admit it to the young boy, she missed James probably even more than he did. She smiled thinking back on the time she used to be absolutely revolted by the mere mention of the boy and yet here she was. She didn’t dare think what eleven-year-old Lily would say to her if she knew she was going to end up having a child with her arch nemesis.
“Mama!”
Harry’s shrill cry pulled Lily out of her thoughts and when she turned to the boy he was frowning adorably, holding out a toy plane for her. The red-head took it with a small apology and Harry’s face brightened again, a toothless grin on his round face.
The time ticked on, Lily eventually calling Remus and calling him over as the two waited for their respective lovers to return. It had been nearly an hour past the time James had said he would get home and Lily was starting to worry, keeping her expressions calm and collected for Harry, not wanting the young boy to think something was wrong with his Dada.
A soft click of a door opening then closing shook her from her train of thought and she turned to look at Remus as he came from Harry’s room. His face was riddled with concern as he too glanced at the time.
“Remus, they still aren’t back and neither James nor Sirius have been answering either of our messages and—” Lily cut off with a sigh, dropping her head into her crossed arms over the kitchen counter. She had been messaging in five minute intervals for the past hour and still nothing from either James nor Sirius. It didn’t help that she had already tried to put Harry to sleep at least six times, with the three-year old waking up time and time again asking for his Dada with a soft, sleep-ridden voice.
Lily could hear the low sound of the stool sliding across the ceramic tiles as Remus sat himself across from her, reaching out to place a delicate scarred hand on her forearm. The red-head raised her head, opting instead to rest her chin on her arms and look at her friend, who looked just as exhausted as she.
“I’m sure they’re fine, Lils, you know how those two are.” This pulled a breathy laugh out of the girl as Remus too let a small smile grace his face.
The short moment was interrupted by a light creak and Lily sat up to see Harry pushing the door to his bedroom open, a brown fluffy teddy tucked in his free hand, his dark hair poking out in all directions. Lily smiled warmly, the young boy looking like the mirror image of his father with his round glasses placed upside down crookedly on his nose.
“Hey sweetheart, you okay?”
He waddled over to Remus, lifting up his stubby arms, silently asking to be picked up, as he nodded in response to his mother’s question. Harry rubbed his eyes tiredly, letting out a faint yawn as he grumbled a small: “Is Dada home yet?”
“Not yet, sorry—”
Lily’s reply was cut off abruptly by the loud sound of a ringing phone. Both her and Remus glanced at each other in understanding and she reached over where her phone lay on the counter to check who it was. A horrible, cold feeling spread through her stomach when she glanced down at the screen and saw an unknown number ringing.
She looked at Remus again, dread filling her body as she slid her finger towards the accept button before raising the phone to her ear. From the corner of her eye, she could see Remus start talking to Harry since staring rather intensely at Lily.
“Hello?” She croaks, her voice hoarse with fear. Lily lifted her head, meeting Remus’ gaze before the person on the other side even spoke and seeing the terrifying cold she felt, mirrored in the man’s gaze.
“Is this Lily Evans?”
“Uh, yes hi, yes it’s me.” Through the pounding of Lily’s heart and the mess of screaming thoughts in her head she could hear Harry asking Remus who she was talking to, looking at his mother curiously. She heard the man’s soft reply, pulling Harry away from where he was focused on Lily, almost desperately reaching for a toy plane that lay discarded on the floor.
Lily ignores the way her fingers start going numb as the woman on the other side begins speaking again: “You were the first number on Mr James Potter’s emergency contacts list.”
The woman doesn’t finish her sentence before Lily’s legs give out and she sinks to the floor, her heart dropping from where it usually sits secure in her chest, to join her stomach in a panicked state.
“I fear there has been an accident.”
— — — — — — — — —
She can’t feel anything, can’t see, can’t hear. The rain got heavier after they left the house and now it bangs and bangs relentlessly on the roof of the car. Lily can feel Remus’ rough, calloused hand on her knee as he drives, she can sense Harry in his seat behind her, rambling mindlessly about something she can’t pinpoint.
Lily can’t hear anything over the ringing in her ears, the pounding in her chest, the sharp sounds of her lungs pushing air in and out of her body. She was sure that if it were up to her, she would’ve been too weak to keep them working. Over the mess of feelings inside her body she can hear Remus’ muffled voice, a scarce word or two making space into her foggy brain.
The red-head practically jumps out of the car before Remus has even properly parked, running towards the waiting room of the hospital. She doesn’t register anything, not where she came from, nor where she was running too, she just needs to get to James.
Lily needs to get to James. She doesn’t slow down, not when Remus calls her name nor when strangers grumble as she bumps and brushes past them. She just runs.
She needs to get to him. She needs to get to him now . Needs to see him, make sure he’s ok, tell him she loves him —
“Where is he?” Lily nearly falls to the ground in sheer relief when she sees Sirius and Marlene sitting in the waiting room. The former’s got a scratch stretching along his cheekbone and his arm is wrapped in a white bandage but otherwise he looks alright.
“Marlene, where is he? Tell me, please I- please, where is he? Tell me he’s okay, please I—”
“Lils, hun, you have to breathe .” Marlene interrupts her firmly, getting up from where she was seated to cup her face with rough yet gentle fingers. “He’s gonna be okay, you know James.”
Lily can’t get the words into her head, can’t hear them. “I can’t lose him, please I can’t–” Her friend’s face goes blurry as tears line her eyes, rolling down her cheeks almost instantly, the words sounding choked as her voice cracks.
“I need him, I– If he– if I lose him– Marls, I don’t know what I’d do– I love him– I–”
With careful movements, Marlene guides the distressed red-head to sit on a chair, between her and Sirius, whispering soft reassurances, wiping at the tears that spill down her face. Lily feels Sirius press a soft kiss to her knuckles and she cries out, turning to him and pulling him into a tight embrace, careful with his bandaged arm.
“I’m– are you okay?”
With his free hand, Sirius rubs Lily’s back in soothing circles, whispering a soft reassurance; “Yeah, I’m okay, I’m sorry.”
At that last part Lily pulls away from the hug, looking at him, shocked. “Why are you sorry?”
The man in front of her winces before answering quickly, as if scared of how she’d react.
“I was driving, it– it’s all my fault—”
“Sirius.” Lily’s voice is firm and confident now though the tears keep coming. She grasps the man’s shoulder tightly with one hand, the other coming up to wipe the fresh tears that threaten to fall on his face.
“Sirius, look at me– It wasn’t your fault.”
Sirius seems to crumble at that, the two falling back into a hug, soothing each other uselessly as they cry, soiling each other’s shirts.
Lily doesn’t know how long, how many minutes but soon she can hear Remus’ voice, whispering quietly with Marlene. She pulls away from Sirius when she feels a small clammy hand grab at her knee.
“Mama– Mama, what’s wrong? Is Dada okay?”
She doesn’t answer. She can’t . Lily stares at her son’s face, her husband’s face reflected in it.
What if this is the only way she will ever be able to see James again? What if her son has to grow up without a father? JamesJames James. What if she never sees her husband’s eyes again? What if, what if, what if.
The ringing in her ears gets louder, it gets harder to breathe. Through the commotion in her head she can hear Harry asking what was happening, tugging at the sleeve of her shirt with his small hand. The tears come faster now, sobs rocking her body. She can hear voices.
“Harry, baby, come here, your Mama needs some space–” Marlene.
“What’s wrong?! Is Dada okay?! Why’s Mama crying?!”
“Haz, come on, come over here, let your Mum breathe.”
The time ticks away, oblivious to the red-head. Eventually, the tears dry. She sits there and waits, staring into meaningless nothing, listening to the sound of her rapid heartbeat.
A hand comes to rest on her forearm, rough and calloused. She turns and meets Remus’ gaze, his honey-amber eyes boring into her soul through her green ones.
“The nurse said you can see him now, if you’d–”
She’s up on her feet before he finishes, and the nurse asks her to follow her, and she does, trailing behind her quietly.
When they reach a corridor with multiple doors, she tells Lily James’ room number and leaves her be, to enter in her own time. The sound of her boots against the cold tiled floor seem to echo across the barren halls and she resists the urge to just double over and vomit all she had for dinner.
Lily blinks at the number on the door when she reaches it. 293.
With a careful, quick hand she reaches forward and creaks the door open. Almost instantly a choked sob rips from her throat when she lays eyes on her husband in bed.
James’ knee is in a brace, there are scratches and cuts all over him, his right eye is surrounded by a ghastly bruise, bordering on black instead of purple. His right arm is in a cast while his left is simply wrapped in a tight bandage, from the bend in his elbow to his palm, with a gap for his thumb.
Mustering all the strength she has in that moment, Lily makes her way towards the chair beside the hospital bed, sitting herself down with another ragged sob. His eyes are closed and his chest is moving up and down far too slowly for her liking, but the monitor in the corner beeps at a consistent pace. Regardless, she presses the side of her closed fist against her mouth to repress the uncontrollable urge to vomit.
With as much care and gentleness she has in the moment, Lily slides her hand underneath James’ left one, wrapping her fingers around the limp hand ever so delicately. Surprisingly enough, she can still make out the gold wedding ring on his finger and so she reaches down to press a soft kiss against each of his knuckles, fresh, new tears lining her tired eyes when she notices the scratches and scrapes there.
Lily isn’t a religious woman but the sight of her husband lying limp on a hospital bed makes her want to scream up at the sky for someone to do something. She drops her forehead to rest against the rough plastic-like material of the bed and begs, for someone, something. Anything .
“Please, please let him be okay– I can’t live without him– I can’t– please–”
A sob tears through her chest, echoing in the small space of the hospital room, her breath catching in her throat as it picks up a ragged pace.
“I love him, I love him– please.”
Lily doesn’t know how much time she spends praying, sobbing, pleading to anyone that can hear her to let him wake up, to let her see his beautiful eyes again, hear his soft laughter, at least once more.
She’s selfish though. Once more isn’t enough. She needs to be able to hear it forever, wake up next to him every day humanly possible. She doesn’t know how much time she spends begging James to wake up so she can tell him how much she loves him.
But eventually, she feels the man’s fingers clench ever so slightly around hers.
“Hi sunflower,” James whispers, his voice thin and hoarse, but still his .
Lily’s head jerks up, and when she speaks it's through sobs and rough breaths: “Oh my God, James, you’re awake, I–”
She cuts herself off quickly at the wince of pain that comes from her husband. Sobs break out of her throat when the realisation properly hits her, the realisation that James is awake, he’s awake .
“No, no, lovely don’t cry, I love you, I’m okay.”
Lily rubs furiously at her eyes, desperate to rid her vision of the wet blur so she can see her husband properly, look at James properly.
“I love you–” Her voice cracks with a sob and she presses her forehead against their clasped hands, overwhelmed with so much relief, so much love.
So slowly, so, so carefully, James lifts Lily’s chin up away from the bed, moving his hand slowly to cup her jaw, wipe at the tears on her cheek with his thumb, wetting the bandage wrapped tightly around his wrist.
“I’m right here, it’s okay, I’m not leaving you, lovely.”
Lily grabs James hand with both of hers, bringing it to her lips to press delicate kisses all over it, from the tips of his fingers, to the base of his wrist, the overwhelming warmth inside her burning stronger with every touch.
After a beat of silence, James opens his eyes again, whispering softly: “Where’s Haz?”
Lily reaches into her back pocket, pulling out her phone and asking Remus to bring Harry, not daring to leave the room for fear that if she left, she’d come back and James would be unconscious again.
Delicate seconds of silence ticked away, Lily simply staring at James as his chest rose and fell evenly, his closed eyelids fluttering ever so often.
At a quiet knock on the door, Lily got up from the chair, placing a small kiss on James hand again, before making her way to the door. In the doorway stood Remus with a small, teary-faced Harry in his arms, propped against his hip.
“Thank you,” she whispered and he simply smiled before muttering a quiet: “I’ll leave you two to it,” and closing the door.
“Dada?” Harry spoke, turning around in his mother’s lap to look at James on the bed. At the sound of the young boy’s voice, James’ eyes blinked open and he smiled softly when he saw Harry.
“Hey there, Haz.”
Lily made her way back to the chair, sitting Harry down on her lap so they were both facing James. The second he sat down, James’ hand reached forward to grab the boy’s small one, squeezing as tight as his fragile state allowed him too.
“What’ve you and Mama been up to, ey sweetheart?”
Lily smiled lovingly as Harry started speaking, excitedly recounting what he and Lily had done over the weekend while James was away. At the sight of her husband’s smile she felt one last tear roll down her cheek, except this time for a completely different reason.
This time she was crying in gratitude, eternally thankful that she had gotten to hear James laugh again, hear his voice, see his face light up with that gorgeous smile.
In the small hospital room, with her two favourite people in the world, Lily Evans Potter decided then and there that never again would she take anything or anyone in her life for granted.
Not when she had people like James Potter in her life.