Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Lukas, Gill, Aiden, and Maya stumbled back through the draughty field of grass laid before their destination. The sun had set a while ago and now that the light was scarce, the group’s fatigue and drunken buzz were even more of a problem. There was a hum of the night breeze rippling through the trees and the distant sound of bones scraping together. There was no path of torches waiting there with a helpful glow to guide them home, just sparse trees and a faraway bridge. Lukas tried to stay to the front and lead them, but he was just as tipsy as the others. He kept his bow close to his side, arrows at the ready in case something snuck up on them, but even he knew that his reflexes were much slower than usual. In the dark open landscape surrounding the 4 travelers, a sound was heard of the elastic tug of a bowstring. It did not come from Lukas’ bow. The clattering of a flesh-less undead mob became closer and louder. Lukas looked around startled, but in his hazy vision he couldn't set his eyes on the source. A whirl of air disturbed the quiet night soundscape even more as an arrow pierced the ground beside him. He jumped back and raised his bow out of reflex, holding the wooden grip as straight as he could manage. He could see the movement of a grey-ish blur out of the corner of his eye so he turned to face it, but before he could nock his arrow, the monster shot another of its own. The flint tip of a soaring reed came straight at Lukas’ face, the glassy carved edges melding into a smoggy black blur as it got bigger in his view. By the time his body and brain communicated the message to dodge it, he was only able to clear its path from hitting his face. Instead the arrow struck the side of his shoulder, ripping a small hole into his shirt. He yelled out in surprise and pain as the wound burned, newly exposed to the wind and bleeding. The others who were walking behind him at a slow, stumbling pace realized the surrounding danger from mobs and began to run. The three of them ran past Lukas as he was crouched on the ground holding his shoulder. He was in too much pain to care that they were leaving him, but as soon as he heard the pull of the skeleton’s bow again, he stumbled up to go after them. He bit down hard on his cheek and clutched his arm as he clumsily sprinted towards the house. Behind him he could hear more arrows hitting the ground, he hoped they wouldn’t be able to reach him. He kicked up grass and dirt before he finally hit solid wood plank, the creaky spruce planks of his bridge. This meant he was just outside of the fence, and sure enough in front of him were his friends busting through the front gate. He strided from waterworn plank to waterworn plank, eventually reaching grass once more. His friends had at least left the gate open for him. He ran through, but not without catching his bloodstained shirt on one of the wood posts. Disgruntled and panicked, he ripped it free, tearing another hole in the already distressed fabric. He pulled the small double gate doors closed behind him, making sure he heard the click of the latch. For a moment he felt his legs give up on him as he held himself against the gate. He slumped to his knees, his arms hanging onto the wood slats purely by gravity. His strength was low and his pain was high. He wished he had worn his leather jacket, then maybe the arrow would’ve been a layer away from his skin.

By this time the others had already made it into the house, while Lukas was a blink away from passing out in his front yard. He let his arm fall from the gate and sat on his knees with his head against the wood.

Before he could close his eyes and catch his breath he heard Aiden call out to him, “LUKAS WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? COME INSIDE BEFORE I SHUT THE DOOR ON YOU!” His words were slightly slurred and his voice was hoarse from yelling over the noise at endercon.

Lukas groaned and held his aching shoulder, daubing blood onto his shaking hand. “Coming..” he mumbled weakly. He wished the wind would carry him gently inside, he barely had it in him to walk another step.

Once he made it inside, all Lukas wanted to do was lay down and crash for 12,000 ticks. But the others wanted to do anything but.

“Come onnn dude! It's the night of Endercon, where's the after party?” Aiden pried at Lukas, trying to get him to toss some more potions back and have some fun.

“Netherwart really brings out the worst in people, huh?” Lukas mocked. He was so tired he could barely care what Aiden had to say in response.

“Whatever. Me and Maya are going to the bathroom so don't come looking for us.”

Lukas nodded and felt a tiny bit of disgust. He never understood Aiden and Maya's relationship, Aiden was just some dude and Maya was just Maya. Aiden always tried to get Lukas to talk to girls the way he did but it just felt wrong. Lukas didn't want a Maya, he just wanted friends. At least he had Petra, even if Aiden didn't understand who she was or who she was to Lukas. 

The sound of the shower turning on gave Lukas the signal to go to bed, so he went, bringing his mess of thoughts with him.

In the turnsickness that was his sleep, he saw a familiar figure in the distant fog of white matter signals. He was wearing his usual white button-up with ruby red suspenders and worn out blue jeans. When he moved his curly brown hair, slightly darker than his skin tone, bounced like silk fabric. His skin was soft and his body was made of dips and curves full and plush, like a range of mossy hills. There was a feeling in the atmosphere of fluttering wings and buzzing hums, all filling Lukas’ chest and stomach as he floated there in a cloud. The other man gently walked towards him, with his emerald eyes leading the way. But in a blink, he was gone. 

Lukas awoke shaking with his heart bludgeoning his chest. There was an overpowering feeling in his gut that made him sick, it was like something was missing inside of him that was supposed to be there. Then the sickness of shame crept in in its place, why was he dreaming of Jesse? Did he really think about him that much during the day that these thoughts crept into bed with him?

He wasn't supposed to associate in any way with such a lowlife, as Aiden called him. But Lukas wasn't so sure Jesse and his friends, or “the Order of the Pig,” were as bad as Aiden made them out to be. When conversing within their group they seemed really kind, something which Lukas wished he was allowed to be, and they had great chemistry, something which Lukas wished he and the ocelots had more of. Aiden and Maya certainly had chemistry, but that was only because they had to be in on something that Lukas wasn't. Aiden never got along with anyone else unless they held the same kind of distaste for others in their heart, and even then they still tended to have an unhappy relationship due to Aiden’s need for control. Lukas simply tolerated this in their relationship. Most of the time. But somehow Aiden felt something Lukas never had for just this one girl? Lukas wondered all the time if there was something wrong with him to never have dated or even liked any girl.

This bird's nest of thoughts was filled with wasps. Sickened, Lukas crept gently down the rungs of his loft ladder to where he knew his trusted repository was waiting. He turned to the first page and was face to face with a familiar paper of regrets.

He turned the page again, and began to bleed out through his quill, letting the parchment suck it all in. 

Entry 2, tick 18009

I come here as a last resort to get this out. Does paper judge me? Does it fly up in the wind because it wants to escape its binding? Do the blank pages fear being marked with the embarrassing monologues I put here? I don’t know. Sometimes it feels like everyone judges me, even my own friends. I don’t want them to know about any of this. I just need to bear down on something physical and let my thoughts out. Aiden says I am too soft sometimes. I would die if he found this book. I picked a spot under my bed covered by other books and scattered paper to hide it. I will not label the front because I do not want my name associated with this, and I do not want anyone to think I am keeping a diary. 

With that being said, writing this does make me feel a little better, if I disregard the anxiety I get from worrying that someone will find it. I shouldn’t need support, yet I do. I should be strong enough to hold myself up and lead with courage, not emotion, but I’m not. I want to better myself, I have learned a lot from being friends with the other ocelots, but not enough. They have taught me how to keep up a brave face and how to behave the right way. But it always seems to fall apart with enough force. I find myself having outbursts of anger when I am in a lot of difficult situations, but Aiden seems to respect me more when he sees me like that. However, if I were to break down and cry instead, he would look down on me. I understand why. I feel like I am more likely to lash out with anger when I resist the temptation to cry. I am getting better at it, I can become as tough and intimidating as him. I think. Before I started this journal, I took the pain out physically, on myself. I feel like it will help me reinforce my metaphorical “armor.” Someday I may become so numb to pain that I cannot be swayed by it. I will be as strong as Aiden wants me to be eventually. I am the leader after all.

Another thing, why haven't I ever liked anyone before? Why have I never talked about girls? I don't really know myself. Aiden has a girlfriend; Maya, of course. He doesn't get why I don't. I just have never felt that way about a girl before. Maybe something is wrong with me, or maybe I don't know what it means to like someone? It's all so confusing to me, and I am embarrassed to ask for guidance. Are people taught these things growing up? Am I supposed to know this instinctively? Am I sick? Is 18 an age where it becomes strange to not have explored this road before? It must not come naturally to me. Or maybe I just haven't met the right girl yet. Aiden is definitely already pushing me to talk to more girls at the monthly practice building competitions. I have many many chances to look.

He let his quill fall gently into his lap, a small drop of ink soaking into his jeans. It was the middle of the night and Aiden, Gill, and Maya were asleep on make-shift cots on Lukas’ living room floor. He swore to himself, on all the ore in the world, that if one of them read the words in this journal, something drastic would have to be done. 

But for now, he would simply go back to sleep and let his thoughts melt into dreams once more. 

That next morning, Lukas pulled off his sheets and realized that his shoulder wound had bled onto them, which wasn't the first time he had stained them with blood. The sight awakened a dark urge deep down inside him, as he felt the ghost sensation of an iron blade grazing his arm. No. Not now. Go away. But the thoughts were so overwhelming he had to physically shake his head as if to dislodge them from his frenzied mind. He got up and down the ladder, to the living room, stepping over his sleeping friends, and to the door. I need to talk to Petra. She's the only one who makes this stop. So he slid on his black leather jacket and prepared to face the outside world once more, hungover and panicked.

Chapter Text

Petra was Lukas’ best friend, they had known each other since Lukas was only 15. She had seen every high and low and been there for many late night conversations. She was the only person who had even seen Lukas cry. But there were still things she didn't know.

The scars, she had never seen. But even if she didn't know Lukas had this problem, she was the solution many a time. Staying away from his home and staying up talking with Petra was an extremely effective escape, whenever he needed anything she told him to go looking for her in the mines of Beacontown. Which, naturally, was where Lukas was headed.

Inside the ink and gold leaf of the vast cave system there was little sound but the echo of faraway water dripping down from the stone ceiling, as well as the screech of bats. There was barely anything to drown out Lukas’ thoughts, and they just kept getting louder and louder like the screech of metal against a grindstone. It was simply too much. An impulse came and Lukas didn't even attempt to resist it.

He needed to feel some sort of pain to stop his mind from continuing in circles, he looked around, he had left his sword at home so he wouldn't do anything drastic, but he was surrounded by the sharp edges of rocks. He rolled up his sleeve and struck his arm against one of them. It hurt and it left a rosy scrape, but it didn't pierce the delicate layer between skin and blood. That was fine, it was enough to quiet his thoughts for another few minutes. But there was always a high and a low with this. First came the high where he could encapsulate himself fully in the rush of sharp pain, but in the aftermath was always a low, one where he felt hurt emotionally, betrayed by himself. A deep, deep, primal kind of hurt. And guilt. Shame. But that just meant he could do it all again. He was always chasing that high.

Lukas pushed his sleeve back down over his arm and broiled for a minute in that subtle sting of material against broken skin. That's what I think of myself. He told the universe, hoping it would understand his method of making reparations.

Abruptly, Lukas’ heart was sent into the tangle of his guts by the flash of light of someone waving a torch around, their pale, gloved hand sticking out from the shadows. He recognized that hand in a trice, short nails, freckles, and soot from poking around coal ore. It was Petra.

Lukas held tight to the cuffs of his jacket sleeves so as to not allow them to come creeping up above his wrists. “Hey. You got time to talk?”

“Only for that one guy… uh… name rhymes with mucus? Blond? Big book nerd?” Petra pretended to look inquisitive, shifting her eyes to the ceiling and holding her chin.

“Ew.” Lukas exhaled, finding some humor in the darkness of things.

“What's wrong this time?” Petra asked sarcastically, but still meaning it genuinely.

“Um. I just need someone to talk to for a little. About girl stuff? Or… no, guy stuff?? The stuff about girls.” Lukas stumbled through his sentence ungracefully.

Petra didn't try to hide the fact that she was laughing at him. “Ohh…kay. Got it.”

“You like girls, right? So like, why?” He continued, still with the same air of gracelessness.

“Pffft… why?? What are you trying to ask me, Lukas?”

“I just- I'm saying I don't get it. I've never in my life felt attracted to a single girl! What does that mean about me?”

“Well, have you liked any guys?” She asked, her left brow raised above the right.

“No! Of course not!” He declared, clearly extremely offended at the notion that he would be anything other than straight.

“Hey, It’s no big deal if you have, not like I’m gonna tell Aiden.” She assured him, giving him a nudge with her elbow.

“I said no. I haven’t.”

“Okay.”

Lukas held his arm, the pain of pressure on his scrape distracted his thoughts for a few seconds. He was embarrassed. “Look, Petra, I’m fine with you being… that way… but I’m not. I don’t like guys and I hope like hell that I never will- I- I never will.” He shouldn’t have said that.

“What? You know ‘being that way’ is completely normal and fine, right?” Petra didn’t know where this was suddenly coming from, Lukas had always been open about feeling different and been extremely accepting of her being a lesbian. It made her recoil inside, holding her last secret even closer to her chest.

Lukas went silent, he didn’t want to say what he really thought because it would hurt Petra, and if he hurt Petra, he would have to hurt himself tenfold. But slowly, one by one, the words dripped out. The words that had been embedded into his mind by his friends, the words that they put into his mouth.

“It’s.”

“Really.”

“Not.”

“There’s still things you don’t know, you know.” She lowered her head and clenched her fists as she was backed into a corner. Her last secret was about to come out. “I was once a confused little boy like you. A boy who hated himself and everyone who was like him. But I grew up, Lukas. I grew up and I learned that hating someone for being different is childish. It’s what your stupid friends do, they can’t help but dribble hatred out of their ugly mouths.

Lukas was silent, he didn’t know what to even say. “...I’m leaving.”

“Don’t you dare walk out on me!” Petra shouted, and then she reached out, her arm pouncing in the air toward Lukas’, and she grabbed tight around his sleeve. This caused it to come up just above his wrist, and then she saw it. “What the-”

Lukas ripped his arm away, pulling the sleeve down as far as he could and holding it there with an iron grip. “How come you never told me this?! Do you not trust me anymore?!”

“And you didn’t think to tell me you were cutting your arm to shreds? I mean, what the hell was that, Lukas? What did I just see?!” They were both in a shouting match, equally fired up and terrified.

Lukas’ face turned rose-red, and he found that his intestines were in a knot and his throat was in a bind. It felt like his neck was laced up like a corset and someone was pulling the strings tighter and tighter. His eyes knew he was about to cry, and they were getting ready for it.

For a second the anger cooled and Petra felt bad for him, seeing her younger self in his skin. “Lukas- I’m sorry- I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to admit it to myself either- I-”

But he was already crying. He had embarrassed himself in every sense of the word, the only thing that could possibly make it worse was if his friends found out. It felt like the end for him. No one was supposed to know that he wasn’t as strong as he pretended. No one was supposed to know that his armor was built on scars, hundreds, and hundreds of scars. He was supposed to be thriving, unscathed by the world like a real ocelot.

“Lukas… what happened to you?”

They were 16 and newly exposed to the harder concepts of life, but they had each other. Through being left unwanted by their parents, through Lukas’ newfound friendship with the ocelots, through Petra’s struggles with her sexuality, through it all they had each other. 

Lukas was so much more open before he met the other ocelots, he would rave about his interests late into the night and cry freely if he needed to, he would sew and embroider and style Petra’s hair before Aiden told him those hobbies were for girls and gay dudes. 

“Do you ever feel different?” Lukas would ask Petra, the two huddled into a little pile of warmth.

“Always.” Petra would respond, and they'd laugh and hold each other tighter because nothing would stop their love for each other, nothing.

Nothing, except Aiden.

Aiden became like a mentor to Lukas, in all the worst ways. He taught him not to cry but to bottle it up instead like real men did, and to keep his struggles to himself because he was a leader and a fighter, not a pansy loser. He taught him that pain is the way men grow stronger, and Lukas would take this very literally. Lukas learned to keep his needs out of mind, to be a people-pleaser, to hurt and keep himself just barely hanging on while he put on a brave face. He learned that anger was the emotion that got him where he needed to go and gained him respect from those he needed it from. He was among Aiden’s most dedicated disciples, except sometimes even he had to use his anger against him. 

The Ocelots were gathered around in their appointed building area discussing their build, each in matching leather jackets with ocelot faces embroidered on the back by Lukas. They looked intimidating to the other contestants and they used it to their advantage. Aiden, Gill, and Maya especially liked to make fun of their competitors, but they had a favorite team to pick on. Jesse, Olivia, and Axel had not yet arrived to the competition but three-fourths of the ocelots were already eagerly awaiting their opportunity to belittle them. Lukas, on the other hand, was instead focused on actually building. After the group had split up to do their own things he took to organizing their block chest, grouping wood by type and everything else by material. He liked "trivial" things like that and he often sorted his book collection at home in his free time. He wasn't one to get too incredibly competitive, but this sometimes caused arguments between him and the other Ocelots, of which he was the leader. Aiden hated getting told what to do by Lukas. 

"Hey guys, could you come over here for a sec? I need some help making sure we got everything we need." Lukas called for his teammates.

"Yeah, later. I'm looking at our competition." Aiden replied, uninterested.

"Okay... Anyone else free?"

No one responded. Clearly they were wrapped up in their own activities, which solely consisted of keeping a close watch on everyone but their own teammates, as usual.

"Hey! Look! The Order of the Pig is here finally." Maya announced loudly.

Aiden and Gil looked to the entrance desk excitedly. Lukas sighed as he prepared to have to convince them to leave Jesse's team alone like he always did. He watched his teammates get ready to approach them with disappointment. As the order and their pig walked to their designated building area, Maya, Aiden, and Gill joined and immediately started teasing them.

"Oh my god, what are you guys doing here again? Do you like embarrassing yourselves in front of everyone or something?" Maya said, looking at the rival team condescendingly.

"You'd think after losing to us every other time they'd quit, right?" Gill joined in.

Jesse and his friends glared at the three Ocelots angrily. "Shut up. We have every right to be here." Jesse tried to walk past them but Aiden got in front of him.

"No, seriously. You should leave. That way we won't have to get distracted by your dumbass build." Aiden said.

"What's your problem, dude? Get out of my way." Jesse snapped back at him.

Lukas ignored his anxiety about the situation and went to go confront his teammates. "Get back to building, Aiden, guys." He said while pushing Aiden away from Jesse. The other Ocelots looked at Lukas with contempt but they did what he asked and backed off. When he thought they were out of earshot, he began apologizing to the other team. "I'm really sorry you have to deal with them, really. I bet your build will turn out great, ignore what they said." He was looking mostly at Jesse for some reason.

The Order looked at eachother and back at Lukas with disgruntled and confused expressions.

"Alright." Jesse responded as he brushed past him and led his team members to their blocks chest. Lukas lingered where he was for a second feeling bad about the interaction. It made him angry to see his teammates act like they did. It set him off and he went to lecture Aiden and the others again. 

As soon as he got back to their building space he went off. "What the hell was that, Aiden?? All of you, why can't you ever stop being jackasses??" 

"Woah, woah, calm down. We were just telling the truth. Why do you have to be so sensitive about it?" Aiden retorted.

Jesse heard the commotion from his own team's area and turned to watch. 

Lukas felt his face get hot as he tried to think of a response. It wasn't helping that he could feel eyes on him now. "I need to talk to you somewhere else." He said to Aiden through his teeth.

"Sure, whatever dude." Aiden looked back at Lukas, annoyed. But he agreed to go with him behind a nearby booth so they could talk there. Once they were sure no one was looking, they started arguing again. 

"I don't see why you think it's such a big deal for us to poke at the other teams a little, it helps blow off steam from competition stress." Aiden claimed.

"No, no it doesn't. It does the exact opposite for me because I have to stop you every time." Lukas looked at Aiden's face with scorn. He refused to ever listen to him fully.

"Then learn how to stop acting like a moderator. It's a damn competition. Of course we're gonna be competitive." Aiden still didn't care about what he had to say, clearly.

"We're a team, Aiden! I can't just 'mind my own business' if it's MY teammates that are harassing other teams!" 

"Then maybe you should get the fuck off our team." Aiden was getting concerningly more angry. His tone became harsher each time he responded.

"I CREATED THE TEAM. I'M LITERALLY THE LEADER OF IT. I COULD KICK YOU OFF WHE-" Lukas was cut off suddenly as Aiden sent his anger into a full force punch right in his face.

"AH" Lukas stumbled back and held his hands over his face. He bit down on his lip in pain, tasting the blood in his mouth. Aiden was still standing across from him, now looking down at him in satisfaction. Lukas didn't look back, his eyes were shut tight as he tried to keep them from watering. His nose was mostly the source of the pain, it was bleeding onto his hands. Before Lukas opened his eyes again, Aiden ran off. As soon as Lukas noticed this, he began to let himself cry a little. He felt so stupid for it but trying to repress it just added to his pain. It was mostly emotional pain if he was honest. He still had mostly considered Aiden his friend, but now he wasn't sure how they would get past this. He tried not to get too wrapped up in these thoughts, though, because they made him feel pitiful and sensitive. Instead, he forced himself to stand up and find somewhere he could deal with his face. He would never go back to the competition with his injuries showing, then people would ask about it and he didn't want anyone else getting involved. It was embarrassing. He thought about how he might come off to other people so much when no one was even there to see him. He kept a low profile as he left the area and went back to his home. 

When he got there, he decided not to do anything about his damaged face. He sat down on his bed and let it bleed. Scrapes on his hands from hitting the pavement stung to the touch of the sheets but he ignored it. If he wanted to be tougher then he would have to take the pain he earned. He felt weird because he didn't necessarily disagree with his defense of Jesse's team, but he hated the concept of finding himself righteous enough to shout at his friends about it. He really just wished somebody else was the one doing the shouting. Maybe he was just too sensitive, though. He already knew he was in a lot of ways.

Maybe he was a bad person for the way handled his team. He sucked for completely abandoning them at the competition, whatever was in store for him at the hands of Aiden afterwards was warranted. So many conflicting thoughts and emotions were cycling through his aching head. It always went like this; something would happen and then it would send his mind into a stupid never ending spiral. He hit the back of his head against the wall and felt the pain resonate throughout. He clenched his jaw as it reignited the pain of his bleeding nose. There was nothing else he felt he deserved to do that day and he couldn't handle being conscious for much longer so he just went to sleep. He'd wake up the next day with thicker skin and armor and he promised to himself that he'd keep his feelings under it all. 

He was dumb to believe that armor wouldn't fall apart eventually.

Chapter Text

“Dude this is getting scary, let us in or I'm telling Aiden he has permission to axe this door down.” Maya’s voice leached through the wood fibers of Lukas’ front door and into the catacombs that he had locked himself away in. 

She was met with a banging sound on the other side of the barricade that made her heart skip a beat. She backed away and stared with wide eyes at the four little windows in the oak door that had been covered by some sort of black material as if she could somehow peer through. The larger windows on either side had received the same decor. 

“GOD YOU’RE LIKE LITTLE SILVERFISH EATING THROUGH MY SANITY, I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE!” A voice that had been ripped up and blasted by illness shouted back. 

His hands ached and trembled from the impact of hitting the wall as hard as he did, the pain ricocheted through every new cut that dressed his arms. He collapsed to the floor, too weak to heave out another word or move another muscle.

“I think we should just leave, Maya. He's not gonna listen to us.” Gill suggested, too fearful to stay a second longer. 

“Oh yeah we'll leave alright, and then come back with Aiden and his axe.” She said unshakably. “If he's gonna act like a mental little bitch then he's gonna be treated like one.” 

Lukas heard her, but he still was too frail to reply. He had to prepare for Aiden somehow, even he didn't want to be caught dead with all the wounds showing, and he usually loved the idea of being dead. So he crawled on the floor to where his black leather jacket was hanging over the glazing in the door, knowing if he stood up he might pass out. He slipped it on and immediately felt how large it had become on him since the last time he left his house with it. He knew he must've lost a good amount of weight from the weeks spent locked away. He had tightened his belt so close to his waist that it helped alleviate some of the hunger pains. 

Some ticks later, another voice appeared at the door. Lukas felt his heart skip two beats, one for the knock, and the second for the voice who he knew was someone he really didn't want to speak to at the moment. 

“Hey, I know you're still upset, but I just want to talk for a tick… just a tick then I'll get out of your hair.” Petra said, uneasiness spilling over into her tone. She noticed that the glazing had been uncovered since the last time she visited, peaking through she saw a pathetic, sickly looking Lukas propped up on all fours trying haphazardly to stand up.  “Dude, are you okay in there?” 

“Yeah.” He replied, wobbling slowly to his feet so as to not cause a blood rush. Guilt tore at his guts and filled him with nausea, he couldn't believe Petra would still want to see him after what had happened. He couldn't believe a part of him still wanted to see her . 

“I don't think that's true, Lukas.” She said, attempting to turn the doorknob, but she was only met with the resistance of a lock.

Lukas sighed, hesitated, and came to open the door. As soon as he did, Petra sprung at him and pulled him into a constricting hug. 

“I hate you.” She mumbled, her face buried in Lukas’ leather clad shoulder. She pulled away for a tick only to fuss over him. “Why is your jacket zipped up when you're inside, why are you so skinny? I can feel your bones poking me!” 

“It's cold.” Lukas simply replied.

“No it's not.” Petra laughed.

“I'm cold.”

“Probably because you have, like, no body fat. Seriously, you're a fucking skeleton.” She took him by the hand and pulled him to his bed, where they both climbed up to huddle together. Petra wrapped the red comforter around his shaking body and ran a hand through his blond hair. “Warm now?”

“Better.” Though he was still a bit shaken and embarrassed.

“Are you a caveman now? What's with these one to two word answers?” 

Lukas shrugged.

“Okay, well if you can still keep your mouth open long enough, I'd like you to eat something.” 

Another wave of nausea hit his stomach at the thought of food. He had gone so long without it that he wasn't sure he could even digest anymore without throwing up, something that he had been doing a lot of lately. “Okay.” He said.

“Here, I have some bread with me. But you're staying right here while you eat it, I don't want you pulling some hiding trick or something.” 

Lukas took the loaf and took a small bite, chewing slowly to delay the inevitable of having to actually swallow it. When he tried to, his throat denied it and he gagged. “Um. It's stale.” He said, clearly making an excuse as to why he couldn't eat it. 

“Dude, you don't get to be a picky little princess about this, please just eat it.” She was frustrated, but no one swayed Petra’s determination.

“Don't call me that.” He coughed, Aiden always called him that whenever he was being even slightly disagreeable. It was a sore spot for him.

“Right, sorry, Mr. Manly Mc. Manlison.” Petra teased.

“Shut up.”

“Look I get it, I have gender dysphoria too.” She giggled. She knew Lukas had a fragile masculinity problem, and it sort of amused her the way he would get so defensive about it. 

“I don't even know what that is.”

The banter led to a heavily Petra-led conversation explaining queer terminology, with Lukas occasionally offering questions to keep it going. 

“The best way I can describe it for you is like, when you feel insecure in your masculinity, when Aiden calls you a girl, it hurts you deep down and makes you question if you're performing correctly under society’s expectation of what a man is, right?” Petra explained, ruffling her hand through Lukas’s hair idly. 

“Yeah…”

“And that hurt and confusion is even stronger for a trans person, you're expected to conform to a narrow range of stereotypes about gender, and even if you do it perfectly, people will still hate you. And all the while, at least in my case, your own mind makes you recoil at your body and the things you wish you could change or hide. It's exhausting.”

“I'm sorry, I never knew it was like that.” Lukas apologized, thinking of how he had plenty of his own self-image issues. 

“It's fine, all this is to say, if you ever call me a man I'll kick you in the balls.” 

“Understood!” Lukas said, cracking a smile. “...So, we're cool, right?”

“As long as you take some damn care of yourself- hey you finished your bread!” Petra exclaimed, excited to see that Lukas had eaten something.

“Oh, I guess I did.” He hadn't noticed, but he must've been absent mindedly picking away at it during their conversation. 

“I love you Lukas, seriously, no matter what.” She gave him a rough tossle of the hair and a shoulder squeeze. 

“I-” Lukas began, but a crash resounded like a thunderclap through the small cabin. Petra and Lukas both took a shock directly to the heart. Another crash sounded out like the splitting of wood, and then another, and another, and suddenly the iron blade of an axe sliced through the door.

“What the fuck?!” Petra screamed, somehow it was less piercing than the sound of the axe hitting the door. 

“LUKAS? YOU’VE SERIOUSLY BEEN LOCKED UP IN HERE FOR WEEKS JUST BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN HIDING A GIRL?!” Aiden said, his voice broiling with rage. He had heard Petra’s scream and assumed the first thing that came to mind. He took a couple more swings at the door before he was able to slip inside. There he saw her on the bed with Lukas, and he knew who she was. “Oh I get it, you're fucking dudes now.”

“Aiden! We weren't-” Lukas tried to explain, but Aiden was not in the mood to hear it.

“NO. No, do you have ANY idea how this makes me look?! You're disgusting and you're supposed to be our leader. I thought you were doing drugs or something, come to find out you've just been hooking up with a tranny in secret this whole fucking time!” He was grasping onto the handle of his axe so hard that his knuckles were white. 

Lukas was so embarrassed, ashamed, terrified, he did the first thing that he thought to. He jumped from his bed and grabbed onto the axe right above where Aiden was holding it. He struggled and fought, trying to get leverage of it. He pulled it hard towards his throat, the blade made contact with the skin of his Adam's apple but he couldn't get it close enough to cut.

“What the hell are you doing?!” Aiden grunted, struggling to keep the thing in his hands.

Petra’s eyes widened as she realized what he was trying to do, she sprung to her feet and screamed as she tried to pull Lukas away. “STOP!” It was a rattling scream that could shatter glass back into sand. She knew Lukas was too weak to fight back, and sure enough, she was able to break him free from his hold. He fell to floor, the axe still in Aiden’s unrelenting hands. 

“You're a fucking psycho and an embarrassment. I'm only keeping you on the team because you know how to build, but I won't forget this. Let anyone else find out about this and you're dead.” Aiden threatened, a subtle fear underlining his hatred. 

“We didn't even do anything, you idiot! Keep your weirdo fantasies to yourself.” Petra shot back. Her voice was shaking from having nearly watched Lukas seriously hurt himself. 

“And why should I believe you, Percy? You can't even tell the truth about whether you're a man or a bitch.”

“I've always told the truth. The truth is that I'm a woman, and I don't give an endermite’s ass what you think about that.”

“Keep telling yourself that.” Was the final thing Aiden said before he slipped back through the jagged hole in the door he came from.

A silence came over the room that lasted for far too long for either of them to be comfortable with. Lukas was the first to try to break it.

“Petra I'm-” Lukas began, but Petra was beyond pissed and in shock.

“No. Don't you EVER try to pull something like that again. I know what you tried to do with that Axe, I know you want to die, but-” Her breath hitched as she tried to hold in her tears, “-but you don't do that. And it hurts me that you care THAT much about some bigoted asshole’s opinion, like, are- are you embarrassed of me?” As soon as the words left her mouth she couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. 

Lukas bit down on the inside of his cheeks, he felt the extreme guilt returning, slowly taking over. He tried to speak but nothing would come out. He just wanted to throw up. 

“Are you just going to stand there and look at me like a kicked puppy? Your scars have rubbed off on me, Lukas. I'm scarred now. I'll never get these memories out of my head.” 

Lukas knew there was nothing he could say that would make it better. To state the facts, he had tried to slit his throat in front of his best friend. Was there any coming back from that? Could he ever mend his shattered morality? His brain had broken from the creeping rust of constant suicidal ideation that he had forgotten how to be a proper human. The first place his mind went to when confronted with a traumatic situation was the end of life. No matter where he was or who was in his present company, if he had a method he would consider it. 

I'm such a fucking waste of flesh.

But something that he didn't expect happened.

Petra pulled Lukas into a hug. 

“I'm pissed because I love you, I'm scarred because I love you. You have to live, no matter how anyone feels about you. If I hate you, you live. If Aiden hates you, you will fucking live. You hate you, live. I will never tell you to live just for me, live because you can and you will.” Petra said intensely, still holding onto Lukas like her life depended on it. 

“I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Petra. I didn't think, I didn't think at all.” Lukas cried. 

“Apologize later, hug now.”

Chapter Text

For once, Lukas was out in the open. His jacket was still zipped all the way up to hide his shrinking frame, but it still felt dangerous to subject himself to outside entities. He felt as though everyone around him was a hostile mob, watching him with night eyes. Why did he choose to leave his cabin? There was someone he was looking for. Someone he was told to talk to. 

“He lives in the forests of Beacontown, in a treehouse that you can't miss.” Petra had told him.

Cautiously, Lukas ventured to where he assumed Petra meant. He had nearly memorized all of the main parts of Beacontown, all the dark alleyways especially, where he could travel unseen. A part of him was dying at the thought of seeing Jesse in person again, his presence was always so warm, so electric. There was always a funny feeling that he seemed to bring out of Lukas. His voice, so distinct, his sarcasm so alluring- or- haha, what? Maybe alluring wasn't the right word. It wasn't like Lukas liked Jesse or anything, he just wasn't used to men who treated him kindly, at least compared to how Aiden treated him. But from what Aiden had taught him, men were supposed to be intimidating, and maybe that's just the effect Jesse had on him. Maybe it was intimidation that made his heart race at the sight of him. It was like they were in a perpetual competition with each other, and only one could come out on top, Let it be Jesse… on top… of me- what? Fuck off. Stupid intrusive thoughts. If there is a higher power and you can hear this, I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not gay. 

Lukas became so wrapped up in his thought battle that he nearly walked face-first into a tree, only registering it in the blur of his vision once it was inches from his face. He quickly stopped and came back to his senses, realizing he was where he needed to be already. He looked up at the large plume of foliage that encased the oak and cobblestone treehouse with a twinkle in his eyes. This was where he lived, that stupid little ‘loser.’ That man in the button up with the absorbing green eyes who could talk up a block of dirt like it were a diamond. Charisma, he had charisma. And he clearly had some building skills, the treehouse wasn't any sort of fine architecture, but it served its purpose and looked well-constructed with its own flare of decorative fences and such. 

“Lukas? What are you even doing here? Where’re your jerk friends hiding?” A disgruntled and confused Axel asked, appearing from somewhere in between the thicket of trees. 

Lukas was slightly startled by his sudden emergence, but he managed to be calm when he spoke. “Look, this isn't a pre-planned sabotage or whatever, I just wanna talk to Jesse, team leader to team leader. 

“Uh-huh. Well, try the ladder.”

Lukas understood the rudeness, Aiden and the others were even ruder to Jesse and his friends, but that didn't mean it didn't still sting. In another universe, maybe they could've been good friends all together. Maybe they could've all been ocelots, all wrapped in the same fur, all with the same spots and stripes and none to hide. Maybe in this universe something like that could happen.

Once Lukas had tried the ladder and lifted the oak trapdoor he found himself in a cozy room with warm torch lighting, a plush red carpet beneath his feet, a window to the treetops, and plenty of space for close friends to commune. It was very lived-in and well taken care of, a little unlike Lukas’ own home which was decorated with cobwebs and black-out ‘curtains’. 

“Why're you in my treehouse…? Hey, how'd you manage to get past Axel??” Jesse saw only Lukas’ back at first, recognizing the black leather jacket with the embroidered on ocelot face that was in line with the ocelot’s branding. It was too dark to tell right away that the intruder was blond, but when Jesse did notice he stood down a little. 

“It's… it's just me. Sorry for scaring ya. I- uh… wanted to talk.” Lukas began cautiously. 

“About what? I didn't think you had the time for losers like me.” Jesse remarked sarcastically.

“About Aiden. Look, Petra said- I mean- I think he hasn't been the nicest to me lately. He sliced through my door with an axe the other day, scared me half to death.”

“Oh. So you two are in a toxic relationship? And you need my help? I mean I can help, but…why me?” Jesse's expression shifted to wide-eyed concern and confusion, was this a final cry for help and Jesse was the last person Lukas could think of to go to? He really hoped not.

“Relationship? We're not in a relationship, not like that, I'm not gay.” Lukas made sure to clarify. 

“Dude, like a friendship, you're in a toxic friendship, right? I mean if you haven't noticed until now that Aiden is a jerk then you must be under some serious manipulation.”

“No, no, I've noticed, but he has his reasons, man. Maybe not the best ones when it comes to picking on you, but he's under a lot of stress.”

“Yeah, that's what I mean. He's got your head tied in some serious knots. Tell me more about this axe thing, what was his reason for doing that?” 

“I'd rather not talk about-”

“Well it doesn't matter, no reason is good enough to do something like that anyways. Here sit down with me, I want you to tell me the truth about how he's treated you.”

Lukas was taken aback at Jesse’s upfront compassion, especially from someone who had been belittled so much by Lukas’ friends. It made him feel like the floating embers of a campfire were passing through him gently, warm and flickering. He thought for a second how to start his monologue without revealing anything that didn't suit his image, for one, he couldn't reveal that Aiden thought he was gay, that would be like confirming it or at least spreading the rumor further. He chose his words carefully when he said, “There's been situations, recently, where he's threatened me. He told me I would be dead if I didn't do what he wanted. I doubt he'd ever actually do anything, but I dunno.” 

“What else?”

“This was… a long time ago, when I was about 16. I was defending you from his commentary as usual, it ended with a punch to the face, a bleeding nose, mine of course.” Lukas looked down to his hands, almost expecting to see blood on them like there had been that day. He shook the memory away, the sight of blood made him sick.

“Man, I'm sorry. I never knew.” Jesse sighed and laid a hand on Lukas’ shoulder. The touch felt to Lukas as though it might melt through his jacket, it was so tender, so warm, he wanted more. 

Lukas swallowed nervously, feeling disappointed when Jesse's hand retreated back to his side. “Um. To be honest, I really don't want to go back home tonight, Aiden might be there and I just, I can't stand to face him again right now.” Lukas regretted those words as soon as he spoke them. What am I doing? I was supposed to report back to Petra after this, not plan a slumber party!

“Are you suggesting a sleepover? I mean, of course you can.” Jesse was glad to get Lukas away from Aiden even if it was just for a night. He was of course still weary of him, but he understood now what had got him to this point. 

“I guess I am.” Lukas smiled nervously. It was hard for him to break his cool, smooth-guy persona, even when he was genuinely happy. A smirk here, a slight laugh placed intentionally there, it was all calculated. But with Jesse, a part of Lukas felt like he didn't have to worry about all of that. Jesse was down to earth, Jesse was open, Jesse was inviting, Jesse, Jesse, Jesse, Jesse. 

Jesse got up and began to prepare a bed for Lukas, just something temporary, not too sturdy. He placed it away from the view of the window, just in case Aiden decided to go looking in the treehouse for whatever reason. It wasn't near Jesse, but when Lukas laid in it, he felt as close to him as he ever had been. Knowing Jesse's hands had graced the blankets, fluffed the pillow, dusted the sheets, it was enough to make his heart race. He didn't understand why, he didn't like that Jesse was giving him this feeling. 

“Are you okay? You look all flushed.” Jesse asked, noticing Lukas’ strange demeanor. 

“Huh? Yeah, I'm fine. Must be hot in here.” He said, but in reality he was only warmed by Jesse’s presence. If it wasn't for him he'd still be cold, not having enough fat to insulate his body with anymore. 

“Well it's not nearly time to sleep yet, you hungry?” 

Really? Again? How many times am I gonna be offered food I don't want? Lukas thought, frustrated but not outwardly showing it. “Not really.” He said. 

Jesse glanced over Lukas’ body for a moment, the way his jacket fell around his sides seemed more limp than usual, like there was barely a torso filling it. He noticed the way his jeans framed his legs, too. They were so skinny compared to Jesse’s. Jesse had a full figure with a pillowy stomach, plush thighs with stretch marks, a round face, and many other features that were quite the opposite to Lukas’. It made him worry, is he hiding something else? Under that jacket of his? 

Lukas coughed. “Um… I said I'm not really hungry.” He was growing uncomfortable with the silence, he could feel the heat of Jesse's eyes on him and it was giving him that strange feeling again. 

“Sorry, Lukas, but I think I have to insist that you eat something. You're as thin as a twig.” Jesse finally decided to say. 

Lukas, annoyed, was close to replying with a rude comment. But then it sunk in. Jesse cared that much, enough to intervene himself. 

Then another thing sunk in. 

Jesse was paying attention to Lukas’ body close enough to notice that he had lost weight. 

Lukas’ body was suddenly extremely conductive, seeming to pull in all the heat and electricity that it could, his heartbeat was in a competition with the sparks in his stomach of which could go faster, his breath quickened, and then he realized he had been staring Jesse directly in the eyes the whole time. His face flushed once more as he came back to the current moment. 

Jesse laughed at the sight, remarking that it was about to get even hotter in the treehouse as he began to look around for ingredients to make a nice warm stew for the both of them. He had on hand a delicacy, some rabbit meat which was quickly added to a pot and slid into the furnace with water, potatoes, carrots, and some mushrooms for good measure. 

“Jesse, why are you kind to me?” Lukas asked while Jesse was watching the concoction simmer. He genuinely didn't understand it, he had no right to be treated so well. He was more of a burden than a welcome house guest. 

“You never answered my question as to why you chose me to help you break ties with Aiden. I'm kind because sometimes even assholes need love. Ha, Aiden would say that's gay.” Lukas didn't fully understand what he meant by that, but to Jesse, what he had said made all the sense in the world. Sometimes the hardest people to love are the ones who need it the most.

“I- I didn't choose you. Petra told me it would be best if I tried to be friends with you so you could help me get away from Aiden.” Lukas said coldly, almost embarrassed to admit it. 

“Oh… well it doesn't matter, Aiden is way worse than you and I'm not letting him claim anymore victims. You're not so bad.” 

Lukas’ heart swelled a little, maybe he and Jesse really could be friends someday. “Thank you.” He said quietly.

A pleasant savory aroma filled the air, the stew was cooked to perfection. Jesse poured two bowls and handed one to Lukas. “Now eat some of this, you'd look cuter with a few more pounds.” 

Lukas’ eyes widened like he'd just been shot through the heart with an arrow. He inhaled, trying to retort, but managed to swallow simultaneously, making him choke on his own spit. Coughing, eyes watering, he felt like he might die right there. “I'm- not- I'm not- gay” he managed to choke out. 

“Really? The way you've been blushing and staring directly into my eyes I really got that vibe. My bad!” Jesse smirked. He already knew this of course, Lukas had made sure to say it as soon as he got there. But it was pretty obvious that this was some sort of front.

“Did Petra set me up for this? Is this a surprise date? Are you coming onto me?” Lukas coughed, he was a complete nervous mess. 

“Not if you don't want me to.” Jesse said calmly, taking a sip from his bowl. It was a heavy contrast to Lukas’ current state. 

“No?! Of course I don't!” He said, but deep inside him there was a feeling, maybe a suppressed desire, that said the opposite. This feeling was slowly becoming less and less buried, almost making its way to the forefront, but Lukas fought it back down. 

“And I respect your consent.” Jesse smiled. 

Lukas wanted to punch him, just to get that stupid look off of his face, he was so charming- no, the opposite of charming. He was so ridiculously un-charming that it hurt. “Would you stop making it sound like a gay sex thing? It's straight. We're straight guys hanging out, can we just have that?” 

“Who said I'm a straight guy? I think you just assumed that.” Jesse laughed. 

Petra when I fucking… Lukas huffed. “Well don't make it weird for me.” 

“You're making it way weirder than it needs to be, you're the one who brought up gay sex. What's so bad about gay sex anyways? It's actually pretty fun.” Jesse said, way more openly than Lukas was comfortable with.

Lukas felt hot all over. He had no idea what his body was doing but he didn't like it. “Just- stop- stop saying that.”

“Okay. If I'm actually making you uncomfortable I'm sorry. I'll back off.” Jesse conceded. He hadn't meant to genuinely make Lukas feel that way, he wasn't used to people being so repressed. 

Lukas looked away and chewed idly on a tough piece of rabbit. His thoughts were all racing in his head and he couldn't pin a single one down for longer than a couple of ticks. Every time one of them was words from Jesse he felt pricks of lightning dance through his chest and stomach. He just sat there and thought for what felt like forever and no time at all. What did anything even mean? He needed to write his feelings out or they'd consume him. Too bad he had an audience of more than one now, as Axel and Olivia had come in for dinner. They noticed that Lukas was sitting on his quickly constructed bed and immediately began their questioning. 

“Jesse… why is he sleeping here?” Olivia asked first, her arms crossed. 

“Yeah, I thought he was only gonna talk to you and then screw off.” Axel added. 

“Look I know we've all had bad experiences with the ocelots, but he's not like the others. Not significantly.” Jesse explained.

“Do you actually mean it or has he just put you under some serious enchantments?” Olivia questioned. She could tell that Lukas was attractive, though slightly more sickly looking than usual. She wondered if Jesse had noticed too, and that was why he was allowing him into their space.

“I know you're a lot smarter than me, Olivia, but that doesn't mean I'm a complete fool. Lukas is healing right now, he just needs some time away from you know who.” 

“Really? The supreme jerk squad gets tired of each other?” Axel scoffed. “You're not gonna get me to feel bad for him, Jesse. He's the leader of his group, he can fix that mess.” 

“I'm right here.” Lukas said, anger bubbling up beneath the surface. 

“Please don't start a fight right now, let's just eat this great dinner I made and chill out.” Jesse pleaded. 

Axel mumbled under his breath, frustrated, but listened to Jesse and didn't take the argument any further. 

Lukas understood that words probably weren't wanted from him at the moment, so he kept quiet, attempting to finish his stew on an unsteady stomach. As he emptied his bowl, he realized that he hadn't thought about or felt the desire to self-harm the entire time he had been with Jesse. It was rare for him to go so long without even having the thought come up, even when he was distracted or with Petra. 

Once they were all getting into bed, a question that Lukas dreaded the most was asked. 

The words hung in the air like a sickly aroma. 

“Why don't you take your jacket off? It can't be comfortable to sleep in.” 

Oh Jesse, If I could. If I was clean, if the scars came off like a layer of clothing, if they washed away with the sweat, if you weren't here. 

Lukas prepared his usual list of excuses, ready to fire one out that fit the situation. It was something he had to do a lot. “Aren't you hot?” People would ask, “Does that thing ever come off you?” He didn't get why anyone cared. 

“It's like a weighted blanket, plus, it keeps me warm.” Was the answer he decided on. 

“I thought you said it was hot in here.” Jesse retorted. He was sure there was something Lukas was hiding under his extra layers, but his mind didn't exactly go to the right place when speculating what it was. 

“Why do you want me to undress so bad? You know I told you not to make it weird.” Lukas shot back, anxiety hiding somewhere in his tone. 

“You're making it weird right now! You're doing it again!”

Olivia rolled her eyes and smashed a pillow over her head, attempting to drown out the sound of the two arguing. Axel on the other hand was fully engaged in being a silverfish in the wall to their conversation. He wanted more reasons to side against Lukas. 

“I'm going to sleep.” Was the last statement Lukas made before the argument ended and both he and Jesse became inundated with dreams, sleeping soundly in their beds, annoyed expressions melting to the calm nothing. 

Lukas dreamt of earth hills above his view, contained at first by white linen fabric, with dams of pearly white buttons. When the dams broke it was all on display. Lukas was the sky, the body above and below was the earth. The earth bore the stratus clouds of the sky, and the trees were not green but a dark brown, and the rivers were but creases, wrinkles, and folds in the body. The sky ran its fingers through the forests, and the earth shivered. 

“I am only warm when we are one.” He said.

Chapter Text

“I think it's beyond time that you accept yourself, Lukas. It's perfectly fine if you like him.” The words of Petra echoed through Lukas’ busy mind as he pressed the iron blade to his wrist.

I don't love him, I never will, I never have, I'm straighter than an arrow and I bleed male blood. He chanted inside his head, I seal this promise with a scar, deep and long. 

But he bled more than he had expected to, towering tidal waves of sickness drowned him to the edge of consciousness, he was going to vomit. Clumsily, like he was trying to run in a dream, he got to the shower and collapsed on the quartz tile. His vision blurred, his mouth watered, and he began to heave. He pulled at his clothes weakly, slowly managing to take them off, throwing them to the floor outside the shower. Then he grasped at the lever that turned the water on, falling back against the glass walls limply once he had managed to get it running. He shut his eyes tightly as blood and bile washed down the drain, he had no idea what he had done. 

All that was left behind the next morning was an ugly scar that ran vertically down his wrist. It stung awfully to the touch. It all served as a reminder to Lukas, to the universe, that he felt nothing for Jesse, for no man, and if he found himself doing just that, he would reopen it. 

But Petra came around that same morning, and Lukas knew what she would say if she saw it. So he kept his extra layers on. Beneath, he wore the only long-sleeved shirt he owned, the one that had been ripped up by an arrow that night after that year’s Endercon.

As soon as he opened the door for her, she spoke briskly. “Jacket off. Now.” 

Lukas complied, knowing he still had coverage of his arms beneath it. 

“Seriously? Sleeves up.”

“But-” Lukas began to protest.

“No buts, I need to make sure you're being safe. I know our last talk was really hard for you.” 

“Fine.” He relented, rolling up his sleeves as he let out an irritated huff. 

Petra checked his left arm, and sure enough, there was the new scar from the night before. She sighed. “At least you cleaned it.” 

Lukas rubbed the back of his neck with his right hand, he was too ashamed to tell her that it was only clean because he had happened to shower afterwards, not because he was taking care of it.

“Not to pry, but is there any specific reason you did it?” Petra was getting into uncomfortable territory, Lukas wasn't sure exactly how to answer, so he was just honest.

“To remind myself… I'm as straight as the edge of the blade that parts my skin.” Lukas explained, sometimes when he spoke the words came out a little more like a poem than an everyday metaphor. 

Petra groaned. She was so tired of trying to convince Lukas that him being queer was a possibility he should at least consider. She was tired of holding his hand through the process of stripping back his denial. She wanted to just be straight up with him, he couldn't decide his sexuality by pure force, he had to listen to people other than Aiden. She was so fed up she let her anger speak for her, but maybe it was right. “Listen, Lukas. If you don't stop parroting homophobic cowbile, I'm not going to speak to you anymore. It's gotten so insane I can't justify it anymore. So, drop it or I'll drop you.” 

But Lukas was so deep in his self-hatred, he didn't really know how else to think. He simply crossed his arms and stared at the ground, replying to her a thousand different ways in his head, but verbalizing none of them. 

Petra sighed and offered a new question. “If you were gay, what would you do? And don't say 'I wouldn't be’ like a smartass.” 

Lukas thought for a moment, he probably wouldn't be friends with Aiden if he was, but then again, he could still just hide or deny it. He would probably hurt himself, maybe even go to the extreme, but he already did that. He realized nothing would be very different from the way it currently was. He would probably have feelings for Jesse, not that he really knew what that entailed. That prompted him to respond to Petra’s question with another. “What does it feel like to be in love with someone?”

“Huh? Um, well, it's hard to explain. When you're around them, it's like there's an invisible force pulling you in, making your heart race and your head spin. Maybe they make you feel warm, or like there's an electric charge in your body, but that's just how love makes me feel.” Petra explained, slightly embarrassed to admit that love affected someone like her too. 

Lukas realized something.

That was exactly how Jesse made him feel. Not in the hypothetical universe where he was gay, in this one. 

His memories of Jesse's tender touch came back to him, the complicated fuzzy feelings he gave him, the heat, the electricity. 

Lukas felt like he might melt into the floor, like he might collapse, might cry. 

He went pale, he looked like an oxeye daisy with his blond hair and white face. 

He grabbed onto Petra’s arms as though he might fall over, and when he spoke, he sounded ill. 

“Petra, I- I think I'm gay.”

“Took you long enough! Do you know how long I've waited for you to finally fucking admit that?” Petra said, relief filling her voice. 

Lukas wasn't so happy. All he really wanted was to disappear into the void that comes before life and after death. Oh to be hugged on all sides by the black of sweet nothing, no identity to be attached to him, a vacuum state of peace. “Am I going to be okay? What will my friends do if they find out?” He asked meekly, he felt evermore unstable physically and mentally. 

“That's why we're getting you away from them, Aiden already thinks you're gay, for the wrong reasons of course, but still. And don't think I'm just gonna leave you alone after this, either me or Jesse will be staying with you until you're safe enough to be on your own.” Petra assured, patting Lukas on the shoulder. 

“I don't need a babysitter.” Lukas mumbled under his breath. But if he was honest, it would be pretty nice to not be alone for a while. Especially if he got to be with Jesse. Actually, he wasn't so sure about that. Jesse and him still had some tension they needed to work out, but then again this might be the perfect time to do so. 

“Come on, you really don't want to hang out more with the literal man of your dreams? Or- uh- me?” 

Lukas’ first instinct was to retort, but Petra was right. Jesse was the man of his dreams, in the way that he had dreamed about him for several nights now, even if those dreams were pretty abstract. “I guess I would. But don't tell Jesse I said that.” 

“Don't you want him to like you?”

“I don't know. I think he already does… but I made him feel weird about it.” Lukas admitted. He felt a pang of guilt at the memory, if only Jesse had known what Lukas was struggling with, maybe he'd understand. 

“Oops. Well, now you get to make up for it!” Petra said hopefully, arms raised to the sky. When they came back down they wrapped around Lukas, pulling him into a tight hug. “You got this, ocelot.”

“So, when is Jesse coming over?” Lukas asked, pulling away from the embrace and pulling his sleeves back down. 

“Well, I haven't asked him yet, why don't you come with me to do that? For fun and because I'm not letting you out of my sight for one tick.” 

“I'd like that.” Lukas replied softly. 

“Follow me then.” Petra beckoned, walking off of Lukas’ front stoop and towards the direction of inner Beacontown. 

The way on foot wasn't terribly long, though Lukas preferred to ride into town on horseback. Partly because he looked cool doing it, and partly because it was faster. Today he'd go without, he'd have more time to chat with Petra anyways. 

“My favorite part of Beacontown is the diverse architecture, you can see all the builders’ different styles just standing at one point anywhere. It gets the descriptives flowing in my head, someday I'll try writing something about it.” Lukas rambled, imagining the quaint little stalls and houses of which everyone contributed their own. 

“You should see Champion City, it's not exactly diverse but it sure as hell is impressive. Like, the buildings go all the way up to the clouds, I'm not even afraid of heights but building that would be terrifying.” 

“Really? I need to see that sometime. You're always adventuring to the most exciting places, I'm jealous.” Lukas said, his blue eyes glittering. 

“Well- I mean… I live there.” Petra admitted, shrugging. 

“But you're always in Beacontown, you mean you really don't live here?” 

“Nope.” 

“You too good for us?” Lukas asked, one brow raised above the other.

“Of course not!” Petra elbowed him. “There's just- the founder- she's really obsessed with me and well- …maybe we hooked up and now she doesn't want me to leave.” 

“Why didn't you tell me you had a girlfriend? In a whole other town too?” Lukas asked, taken aback by this new information. 

“Lukas, you haven't exactly been the most ‘love is love’ kind of guy lately. You told me it wasn't okay to be the way I am, maybe it was in the heat of the moment… but…” She crossed her arms and looked away from him. “Also, she's not my girlfriend.”

“I didn't mean it, I'm sorry. It just slipped out. That whole incident was stupid, I…” 

“Okay.” 

“I'm genuinely really sorry. I hope it makes you feel better now knowing that I'm… y’know, queer too.” Lukas rubbed his right arm with his left, one of his many nervous habits. 

“I already knew that for a long time, remember all those late night talks we had when we were younger? You were so much more open then, but then Aiden happened and it was like he pushed you back into the closet, deep into the closet.” Petra wasn't angry, she just felt bad for her friend.

“I guess he did, I'm- I'm sorry that I let him.”

“Apologize to yourself first, and I mean physically too, feed yourself again, give up cutting, whatever it is you need to do to say sorry to yourself.” Petra was all about tough love, but when she spoke these words to Lukas, they were as soft as wool. 

“I'll try my hardest. Promise.” 

Eventually, they made it to the treehouse, the home base of Jesse and his friends. Warm light flooded out of the windows, making up for the morning light not making it all the way through the tree cover. That warm tingly feeling came back to Lukas as he approached the ladder with Petra, he was nervous to see the man that made him feel this way. But, thankfully, Jesse was plenty confident for the both of them. And there he was, standing with arms open wide for whoever got to them first, which was Petra. Lukas watched the embrace, wanting to be the one in Jesse's arms deep down. When they let go, Lukas stepped forward hopefully, but received no such affection. Jesse was still weary of making Lukas uncomfortable after the last time they hung out.

“Hey guys, what's up? More Aiden trouble?” Jesse asked, looking over them both. 

“Actually, I haven't seen him in a whi-” Lukas began, but was promptly cut off by Petra.

“ Actually , Lukas here needs someone to stay with him for a bit while he gets better, I'm the first volunteer of course, but I thought he might like another.” She explained. 

“Like, at his house? Are you sure Aiden won't come around?” Jesse questioned.

“I mean, it's possible, but at this point I can't embarrass myself in front of him any further.” 

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. If it gets that serious you can always hide. There's nothing he can pull that I haven't already taken.” Lukas said grimly. 

“I'll take you to his house, Jesse.” Petra offered. “We can take care of him together for the first day.”

Chapter Text

The first day was fine, there was a slight tension in the air, but all went well. Reuben, Jesse's pet pig, and Ruby, Lukas’ pet ocelot were introduced to each other. By the end of the day the two were best buds, snuggling up to go to sleep together. Lukas learned that day that Jesse had a fear of cats, Lukas’ sneaky fuzzy friend startling him the first time they met. 

The next day, it was just Jesse and Lukas. Petra had left them with a little reminder to Jesse to not let Lukas out of his sight, not once. What exactly that entailed, neither of them knew. 

“So why exactly do I need to watch you 24000/7? Not that I'm not happy to do so, I guess I'm just a little confused.” Jesse asked, preparing some breakfast for the two of them in the furnace. 

“Um, I'd rather not talk about it.” Lukas played with his fingers anxiously, still sitting on his bed.

“Do you have an E.D., Lukas?” Jesse turned to face him, concern burning in his emerald gaze. 

“Uh… what?” Lukas looked up from his hands and met his eyes.

“An eating disorder, it's exactly what it sounds like. It's just, you're so skinny now when you weren't before, there's no way you're getting enough food. And the fact that Petra wants me to keep eyes on you no matter what, I just… it's all a little...” 

“...Indicative?” Lukas suggested. 

“Nerd.” Jesse laughed softly. “But yeah, did I hit the target?” 

“I don't know. I guess I haven't really been eating much these past weeks. I kind of gave up on life, I- I thought…” Lukas choked on his words, he wasn't sure he really wanted Jesse knowing all of this. 

“Yeah?”

But the sweetness in Jesse's voice was enough for Lukas to let himself say what he needed to. There was no fear of ridicule, all he anticipated was comfort and understanding. “...I thought if I happened to starve to death, well, the world might be better off. And the skinnier I got, the better I felt because it meant I was taking up less and less space, and eventually I might just disappear… ha.”

Jesse felt a sour pang in his heart and a prickling in his eyes. He stopped what he was doing and climbed the ladder to Lukas’ bed and sat down next to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. He shook him gently as he said, “Who in the world would I lose to every single Endercon building competition if you were gone? Who would be there to tell Aiden to screw off when he's making fun of my team? Who's beautifully styled hair would I admire from a distance? You are so important to this little ecosystem we've built, like, you're a keystone species.”

“You really think my life matters?” Lukas’ voice was shaky as he spoke, he was trying with all of his strength not to cry. 

“Of course! What kind of question is that?!” Jesse held a hand up to hold the side of Lukas’ face. He was so cold, Jesse could feel the heat draining from his skin and into Lukas’. 

Lukas blinked his misty eyes, surprised at the sudden gesture. 

“Oh- uh… sorry.” Jesse said as he pulled away, realizing Lukas might be uncomfortable with the touch.

The last thing he expected was for Lukas to pull him down onto the bed so that he was laying next to the blond. 

“Remember, don't take your eyes off me.” Lukas said, mimicking Petra’s voice poorly. 

“This is new!” Jesse said, taken aback. “We still straight dudes hanging out?”

“That's the cover up.” Lukas said, staring into Jesse's eyes wistfully. He felt a sudden extreme need for closeness, to get their bodies flush against each other. To close the gap between their lips. 

“C-cover up for what?” Jesse could feel his confidence faltering, he really hadn't expected this. 

“Whatever you want to do with me.” 

“Woah, okayyy- slow down you hormone-zombie. We aren't doing anything until you're not extremely frail, I'd break you like a twig.” Jesse sat up and shut him down.

“I wish you would.” It was clear that Lukas was completely in a state of hormone-induced intoxication, one touch and some nice words completely sending him over the edge. Normally the shame would eat him alive before he ever said the things he had just said.

A tick later, a smell began to emanate from the furnace in heavy clouds of smoke. Jesse began to cough, alerting Lukas in his dazed state that something was burning. Oh. Their breakfast. 

“How am I supposed to get any food in you if you're gonna distract me?” Jesse asked, getting up to take the burnt food out and ventilate the cabin. “And they were potatoes too, my favorite…” 

“You can always feed them to Reuben, pigs eat anything, right?” Lukas suggested. 

Reuben, who had previously been sleeping in the living room, snorted a retort. 

“That is offensive!” Jesse laughed, hands on his hips. 

“Honestly, I'd eat anything right now- um- anything but pork. Heh.” Lukas said, he was starting to get his appetite back little by little, especially since his food was cooked by Jesse. 

“Well…” Jesse began, he had taken to peeling off the outer skin of the potatoes by hand, revealing that they still had a perfectly mushy, unburnt inside. “...They seem fine to eat without the skin, how about some mashed potatoes?”

“Yum.” Lukas was still laying in bed, now staring at the ceiling as he came down from his desire and confidence high. 

Lying in bed that night, Lukas felt shame like he never had before. Why the hell did I say those things? Is there something wrong with me? What in the world kind of netherbeast possessed me? I'm for sure going to respawn as a zombie pigman when I finally die, I'm going to the nether, to the deepest hell seas where I'll burn for all eternity. Imagine if Aiden heard those words, he'd send me straight there. His thoughts turned to the most recent scar on his left arm, he told himself and the beings above that he would reopen it if he ever found himself feeling things for Jesse, if he broke that promise, would he face damnation? He didn't want to sit around and find out, so carefully he slipped out of bed, sneaked to the living room where Jesse was sleeping, and tried to open his chest as quietly as he could, which proved to be an impossible task. 

Jesse groaned and rubbed his sleep-heavy eyes, seeing a blurry figure in the middle of the room once he opened them. “Lukas…?” 

No. no, no, no, no, NO. NO. NO. I have to do this, I can't let you stop me, this can't happen. I can't let another 1,000 ticks pass before I reproach myself. All the thoughts in his head told him one thing, but he said another. “Jesse, I need help.” He was surprised to hear those words come out of his mouth. 

“What is it?” Jesse's voice was deep from slumber, Lukas would find it cute if he wasn't panicking. 

“I need- I need you to stay in my bed with me. I can't be safe, I can't trust myself.” He choked out. What am I doing!? Why am I resisting? I sound like a child!

“Okay. Is there anything else I can do to help?” He got up and started walking Lukas back to his bed.

“Can you tell me… that… it's okay for me to be the way I am… and- and that I'm not going to burn in the nether when I die?” Lukas asked through hitched breaths. 

“Wha- of course it's okay! Who made you think you'd burn in the nether?? That's just some nonsense!” Jesse said, holding Lukas’ hand as they climbed the ladder into his bed. 

“Would you b-believe me if I told you it wasn't Aiden? I've just heard that legend growing up and I can't get it out of my head. Aiden doesn't even believe in stuff like that, b-but for some reason I do. I- I don't want to.” Lukas rambled, still racked. 

Jesse laid the hyperventilating man down next to him and took to running his hands through his now messy blond hair. “It's gonna be okay.” He said softly.

“A-also I'm sorry for saying those… weird things this morning.” Lukas apologized, his face turning a red tint at the memory. “It was so unlike me.”

“Nothing to apologize for, we all get hormonal sometimes, especially since you're usually so repressed and we're still technically teenagers.” 

“Yeah…”

By only the third day Jesse had all but abandoned his bed in the living room, and instead took to sleeping in Lukas’, always with arms wrapped tight around him and legs intertwined. 

On the fourth day, right at the start of sunrise, Petra finally returned. 

“I see you two have cozied up a lot since I've been gone.” She said as she walked through the newly replaced door, startling the two men who were still cuddled up together in Lukas’ bed. 

“Petra!” They exclaimed, sitting up and racing to go greet her. 

“I know, I'm a celebrity in the queer community.” She joked, allowing them to give her a big hug from either side. Even Ruby and Reuben woke up and came to say hi once they heard the commotion. 

“Where in the world were you?” Lukas demanded. 

“Tending to some business in Champion City… what've you two been up to?” Petra replied, ruffling up Lukas’ hair, he always hated when she did that since it took him so long to style, but it never failed to amuse her. 

“Honestly? Nothing much, things are pretty domestic around here.” Jesse said, backing away from the embrace to give Reuben a pat on the head. “Though Lukas here made me burn some potatoes the other day and now the cabin still smells like smoke.” 

“How exactly did he ‘make’ you burn something?” Petra raised an eyebrow. 

“Uhm- you figure it out.” Lukas replied before Jesse could speak. 

Petra laughed, “You're both so stupid. Anyways, I need to speak to Lukas alone for a tick, we'll be just outside.”

“Alright!"

Petra took Lukas to the side of the cabin where Jesse wouldn't be able to see. The sun’s light was still newly peaking over the horizon and the bracing winds of the morning were tousling through the grass beneath their feet. Lukas was nervous for what this private conversation might entail, but he was kept grounded by the field gently brushing against his ankles and the dew left behind from the cool night soaking into his jeans. Calming earthly sensations were all around, so he didn't even react when Petra asked him to take his jacket off for an arm check. He complied and slipped the heavy layer off, revealing the skin beneath which was adorned with hundreds of healed scars, but no new ones. 

“Hey, no new scars, for three whole days? That's impressive! Jesse really must be taking good care of you.” Petra gave him a rough pat on the back. “I'm really proud of you, dude.” 

“I did say I'd try my hardest.” 

When the two came back inside, Jesse was looking through Lukas’ many bookshelves, trying to find something to read. “This is like a library of all your interests! I mean, ocelots, architecture, flowers, embroidery… you've even got some of Soren’s books! Amazing…” 

Lukas wanted to protest to Jesse ruffling through something that was so personal to him, but he knew that it wasn't a very sensible boundary considering they were right out in the open, practically on display. Instead he stood there, embarrassed, hoping Jesse didn't come across his personal journal. “I, uh, didn't know you read too…” He said awkwardly. 

“Of course! I love reading, mostly fantasy novels rather than the real nerdy stuff. It's fun to imagine myself as a great hero over the, uh, loser I really am.” Jesse laughed. 

You're my hero. Was what Lukas wanted to say, but it would come out so sappy that there was no way Petra would ever let him live it down. “You're not a loser, Jesse.” He chose to say alternatively. 

“Yeah, I don't make friends with losers. And that means people like Aiden, not you.” Petra said, crossing her arms like she meant business. 

“Well… thank you guys.” Jesse blushed and rubbed at the scruff of his neck, he was way more used to giving compliments than getting them. 

Lukas wanted to kiss all over his maroon face, he was so beautiful that it made his heart ache with adoration. He could feel the shame from the prior night melting away, all the worries of eternal punishment becoming minuscule compared to his pure, unadulterated love for Jesse. 

That night, Lukas’ passion was still burning red hot in his body. Jesse was staying up later than usual with his face tucked away in a book, ‘A Man Forever Voyaging,’ one of Soren’s. Lukas slipped a hand over the page that Jesse was reading and tapped two fingers on it to get his attention. “Jesseeee…” he said in a quiet sing-song voice.

Jesse looked up with an eyebrow raised and an unimpressed expression dressing his face. “What?”

“I'm sooo bored, and I can't sleep ‘cause all I can think about is your pretty face… I could write pages and pages about it… the way your cheeks puff out when you smile, the way the undertones in your skin change when you blush, the beautiful plush under your chin, the way you- mnn!” 

Jesse met Lukas at the point where the praise spewed from, completely stopping it at the source. He kissed as if it was a warning, hard and threatening. “Shut up. No more compliments, you're gonna get me all worked up.” He urged as he pulled away. 

Lukas felt fireworks going off in his body, that was all he wanted. He bit his lip and sucked on the inside, savoring the taste of Jesse. Satisfied, he laid down next to him and let his excitement cool. 

When the fifth day came around, Petra left once more, and Lukas had a bit of a problem. He needed to shower, but Jesse wasn't supposed to let him out of his sight, not once. He really didn't want to let all of his scars be on display, but what choice did he really have? Maybe he should finally take off the jacket and be honest with Jesse about why he was even taking care of him in the first place. 

“Jesse? Um… I have to shower.”

“Oh. Me too, it's been 4 days, I probably smell like a pig. How're we gonna do this?” Jesse replied, expressing the same question that was on Lukas’ mind. 

Reuben oinked in offense, and Jesse shot an apologetic smile back. 

“What if we… showered together? I-I could help you style your hair and, uh, stuff. I promise I won't make it weird.” Lukas was extremely nervous at his own suggestion, he'd never done something like this before.

Jesse was intrigued by the idea, seeing as he always wanted to know what Lukas kept hidden under that heavy layer of leather. “Sure.”

In the bathroom, Lukas took a deep breath before letting his jacket fall to the ground with a heavy thud. 

Jesse looked on with wide eyes, he covered his mouth when he saw them, the hundreds of them. “Lukas…” He said breathlessly. “...Please tell me none of these are new.” He looked at Lukas with the most pathetic looking puppy eyes, it almost made Lukas cry.

“No, I've been clean since you got here…”

Jesse pulled Lukas into a strong, tight embrace and buried his face in the crook of his neck. A tick later Lukas felt warm tears soak into his T-shirt, he swallowed hard. He had never wanted to make Jesse cry. 

Muffled and distorted by tears, Jesse spoke. “I'm really glad you've been clean, really. I just can't believe you've been dealing with this for so long and I never knew… I assumed the ocelots were all unfeeling jerks- I-I didn't-”

“It's okay. I'm okay.” Lukas patted Jesse's back gently, hoping his words didn't ring hollow.

Jesse pulled his head up, got on his tippy toes and began peppering kisses all over Lukas’ cold face. “This is for every scar you've endured, in return you deserve a million kisses.” 

Lukas wanted to just melt into his arms, the warmth of his lips pressing against his skin was simply too much to handle. 

“You're so cold, let's get the warm water running before you turn into a block of packed ice.” Jesse said, unbuttoning his shirt and jeans. 

Lukas looked away instinctively as he pulled off his own shirt and jeans. He barely had to even try to get them off, they were still several sizes larger than his current figure, though he had managed to gain a few pounds in the 4 days he'd been cared for. 

“Don't look down.” Jesse joked, stepping out of his lapis blue boxer briefs.

Lukas followed, taking off his lavender briefs gracefully and stepping into the shower. “The water takes a bit to get warm.” He explained as he turned the shower on. 

“Cool… we can just stand here awkwardly until it does.” Jesse laughed. 

Lukas was so nervous and self-conscious that he didn't respond, instead just waiting with his hand under the water for it to feel warm. Finally, he spoke. “I think it's good now!”

Jesse stepped in and was immediately sent into a cold shock. “N-no it's not! You t-tricky little ocelot!” 

“I swear to the aether that it's warm!” Lukas defended himself. 

“That's because you're f-freezing c-cold all the time!” Jesse was shivering, now out of the shower and dripping wet. 

“Okay, it's burning hot now, is that better for you?”

Jesse stuck a hand in and smiled. “Perfect.” 

Lukas began his delicate hair routine with the numerous special products that he had sitting on the shower shelf. Meanwhile, Jesse had just started looking for the body wash. 

“Seriously, how many freaking products can one man own? Where is the body wash in all this??” 

“Here.” Lukas pulled out an ornate glass bottle from the many others without even having to look and handed it to Jesse. 

“You have a sponge too?” 

“Of course I do, on that shelf.” Lukas pointed to another shelf that was lined with sponges, washcloths, and all types of brushes. 

“Why'd you have to make the floor out of quartz? That stuff gives me the creeps.” Jesse commented, taking a sponge. 

“Hey! You told me not to look down!”

“It was only for a split tick! Nice ass by the way.” Jesse snickered. 

Lukas froze and felt as his face turned bright pink. “Nice balls, so knee-able.”

“That's not a word.” Jesse protested. 

“Yes it is. It's an adjective describing your balls.” 

They laughed for almost the entire rest of the shower, occasionally stealing glances at each other. When they got out, the hair routine still wasn't over. 

“I always loved styling hair, but Aiden made fun of me for it, of course.” Lukas explained, scrunching Jesse's damp curly hair with his hands, working out the water and in the lavender scented product he used for his own hair. 

Jesse scoffed. “Aiden is just jealous he doesn't have beautiful hair like you do.”

“Oh! By the way, are your friends gonna come over and visit sometime? I'm not sure exactly how long Petra wanted you to take care of me for.” Lukas asked. 

“I could do it forever, and definitely. I told them what I'd be up to before I left, they were definitely a little confused, Axel was a little mad, but they just haven't gotten to know you yet. I plan on letting them.” Jesse explained. 

“Coolness.” Lukas smiled. 

Chapter Text

I will probably never update this fic because it's literally shit from a butt and I hate it sorry guys

I feel like I didn't capture Lukas' character at all and it pee em oh

I won't delete or orphan this tho cause ik people still like it but yeag

Sorry for subjecting yall to this LMFAOOO

Chapter Text

I've decided to rewrite this fic, completely from scratch. Likely none of the original sentences will make it back into the new one.