Archive of Our Own ^beta

Everything felt wrong.

Everything was wrong.

Katsuki sat up against his wall, holding his hair in his hands. His grip was firm. He curled into himself. Shudders ran through his whole body, intense and non-stop, like he could feel it in his fucking bones.

The war is over. He should feel better, but fuck, he feels so much worse. Nothing has ever felt more wrong in his whole life. Nothing has ever felt more horrible. 

Everything always felt wrong ever since he was a child. He couldn’t exactly explain why. He had everything. Good parents, an outstanding quirk, friends, and honestly whatever he could’ve needed. 

Even with this, as a kid things never felt right. And they certainly didn’t feel right now. And that was absolute bullshit, because things finally started to feel normal. He was fixing things with Izuku, he was fixing himself, he was trying his absolute hardest to not be a piece of shit. And now all of that was gone.

Maybe not all of it, but it certainly felt like it. Izuku was going to lose his quirk. Izuku was going to lose his fucking quirk!

He couldn’t help the tears that stung his eyes and began to blur his vision. He pulled on his hair tightly, trying to push himself into the wall as much as possible. Maybe he would somehow dissolve into it and disappear. 

Maybe he would feel weightless if that happened. Letting himself sink away somewhere and never to be let out again. Floating in space he would probably feel at peace, or maybe a body of water. Maybe he could sink so far down into a deep sea and feel all the feelings that were too much to comprehend wash out of him as the waves crashed over his sinking, drowning body. He wouldn’t be able to fight away the waves, his palms wouldn’t dare to explode under the water to try and save himself; his sweat would wash away with the rest of his mind. Maybe he would feel at peace.

That probably wasn’t a normal fucking thought to have, at all. Definitely not.

His whole body was drenched in sweat at this point, his head pounding. His heart pounding.

His heart was pounding against his chest. It was beating. Not a steady pace.

Maybe it would explode out of his chest again from all the stress.

That thought definitely didn’t help. He moved his hands desperately away from his hair in a quick motion, now gripping onto his shirt and pressing down hard where his heart was. He had to make it stop.

Had to make it stop. What was he even stopping? Fuck. Who knows.

His heart was probably fine, and somewhere deep in the back of his head he knew that. 

The rest of the swirling thoughts in his head kept the lingering idea that it was in-fact okay from coming to the surface of his brain. 

His whole body was wildly trembling. His only thought at this point that his heart was exploding. He was going to die. 

He was okay with dying in the war. It was practically a suicide mission, he knew he wasn’t gonna make it out of that shit. 

He should be okay with dying now too, if that’s whats happening anyways. 

No, that’s not what the fuck is happening.

He can’t seem to get the thought of dying out of his head. It kept playing on loop.

His absolute panic only worsened. And, the panicking definitely wasn’t helping with his heart pounding against his chest.

Everything about this was making him panic. Every lingering thought and feeling he ever had was crashing into him full force like the waves he felt himself so desperately wanting to drown in.

Maybe, the waves wouldn’t be peaceful then if this is what it’s gonna feel like. He can take that off of the list of things to make all of the horrid thoughts and feelings go away finally.

He wasn’t too sure of any of his senses right now. His mouth felt dry in contrast to the tears that wetted his whole face and trickled down to his neck. His ears were ringing loudly. His head was pounding. His heart was pounding. His whole body ached and wracked with shivers. He couldn’t seem to ground himself. Was he supposed to just ride this out?

Yes, he was. That’s what he always did. That’s what he always tried to do. The thought of getting help from others was still foreign in his brain. He didn’t like it. 

That was probably his own fault. His whole life he tried oh so desperately to refuse help.

Are you okay? Are you hurt?

God. Why didn’t he just take the help? Why didn’t he take Izuku’s hand and allow the other boy to pull him up. Maybe they would’ve held hands the rest of the way. Izuku would’ve inspected him for injuries, making absolute sure that he was okay. 

But no. He didn’t accept that help. He pushed him away.

He bullied him. He pushed him away.

He told him to kill himself. 

He really was awful, wasn’t he? Who was he kidding with this whole bullshit about changing. He hadn’t done enough to change. He needed to atone. He needed to do more. He had to do more.

Is it too late to do more? He needed to apologize again. Make another sacrifice because it would never be enough.

I don’t think he feels you have anything to atone for, though. Is what All Might had said to him.

All might was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong!

Everyone was wrong. He had to keep apologizing. He had to do something. He had to do something. It wasn’t enough. Nothing is ever enough.

Nothing ever made a big enough impact for him to be allowed to be forgiven. He shouldn’t be forgiven. He’s a monster, right? Someone who people see as a villain? The league thought he was worthy of it. How wonderful.

With every new thought and emotion he could feel the waves crash over him, drowning him in a deep pool of water he couldn’t make his way out of. He wanted out. He needed out.

Dying had felt like a way out.

No. He couldn’t think that. He wasn’t supposed to think shit like that.

Would his mother think he was weak if he felt like that? Did she think he was weak for dying? She certainly thought he was weak for getting kidnapped.

No, of course she doesn’t think that. She cried and held him in the hospital bed glad he was okay. 

Maybe that meant she didn’t think he was weak.

Or maybe she did think that but wouldn’t say that to him.

Fuck, why was he even thinking this shit? He can’t tell. He doesn’t know. 

He slid his hands down his chest, gripping onto his stomach as he felt like he was gonna hurl. He leaned forward, curling onto his knees, pressing his knees against his stomach so hard he probably could’ve cracked a bone. 

His legs shook against his stomach, he felt like his organs were sloshing around inside of him, begging for a way out as he practically willed himself to not hurl his own stomach completely out of his body. His ribs felt like they were rattling against him. His heart continued to pound against his chest, the beat never slowing down, only getting more erratic and aggressive. He could feel the blood rushing through his whole body, maybe at this rate he would pop a blood vessel inside of his brain instead of his heart popping and exploding out of his chest.

Thump, Thump, Thump . 

Maybe this is what he deserved. Maybe this was what he gets for being such a piece of shit for most of his life.

Thump, Thump, Thump.

He needed to find a way to atone. He needed to find a way to be better. This wasn’t enough. He hadn’t done enough.

Thump, Thump, Thump.

He destroyed everything he loved anyways. He destroyed All might. He destroyed Izuku. He even destroyed Edgeshot. He destroyed everything around him, with his words or his palms.

Thump, Thump, Thump.

Maybe he would’ve been better off with a different quirk, maybe he should’ve had a quirk that would’ve healed and not destroyed. Maybe he should’ve been the one born without one so he could’ve suffered the way he made so many other people suffer before.

Thump, Thump, Thump.

That was probably odd, huh. He was supposed to like his quirk.

His quirk.

His quirk. . . 

Oh, fuck, his quirk.

This was when he finally felt the pain he was causing himself, his palms pressed against his stomach as they released small pops and crackles, searing his skin that was already scarred and burnt enough from when he got stabbed numerous times or when his heart exploded.

He felt himself let out a whine, a sharp inhale rushing into his lungs desperately as he pulled his hands away from himself, slamming his arms down onto the ground below himself. This was fucking pitiful.

He felt his whole body slam against the ground at this point, he was too shaky to keep himself up with his arms. Not to mention one of his arms barely worked anymore. He was just barely able to start moving it again. The sheer amount of pressure he had just put on it made it feel like it was gonna snap.

His hands were still crackling desperately as be clutched the floor. 

The floor. He was letting small crackles onto the wooden fucking floor. Wonderful, another thing he was going to ultimately destroy in the end, just like the rest.

He felt himself sobbing against the floor. He felt the way his organs and ribs were moving unnaturally in his body as he struggled to breathe at all. Maybe his lungs would give out due to the amount of pressure he was putting against them by barely breathing.

He willed himself to stop the crackling in his palms. It was a forceful stop. Why was he losing every ounce of control he had?

He hated not being in control. That was one of his least favorite things. He needed to get in control soon. Somehow. Not being in control made him feel crazy. He needed to have control to be perfect. He had to be perfect. 

How was he even supposed to do that. Everything was so loud in his head and he couldn’t quite come to his senses whatsoever. His ears were still ringing. His heart was still pounding against his chest with an agonizing rhythm, he still couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t make himself get up. He couldn’t make whatever was happening stop. 

He needed to force himself to move. He needed to force his air into his lungs. He needed something, anything.

He forcefully lifted himself off of the ground slightly, pushing himself backwards til his back hit the wall again. He sucked in a sharp breath, shutting his eyes and trying to focus on his breathing.

He looked upwards, trying to force air into his lungs. He pressed his hands so hard against his own legs he was certain he might leave a bruise. 

His palms were dangerously heating up against his skin, he letout a sharp exhale as they did. He willed them to stop. He needed it all to stop.

It wouldn’t stop, and it didn’t stop for a while. 

All of his emotions came out of him just like his quirk: explosive. 

Like when he snapped at people, when he had meltdowns, panic attacks. Anything. He’d have huge bursts of emotions, no matter what they were. And then it would simmer away. The smoke after the explosion would fade, flowing away with the wind.

It finally stopped. Katsuki sat against the wall, his whole body fading into a sort of exhaustion. He felt himself letting out shaky breaths as he propped himself on the wall. His ears were ringing less, but now the quietness of the room was hurting his ears.

He let out another shaky breath, taking a few moments before he stood up. He held his arm against the wall for support. His knees were practically begging to give out as he stood.

An instant wave of nausea washed over his whole being as he stood, his headache immediately intensifying. He shivered, his whole body feeling strangely cold, but that was only for an instant. 

He swallowed, shuffling into the bathroom and gripping onto the toilet seat harshly. He waited for a few moments before gagged, immediately throwing up after.

It was disgusting. He desperately huffed for breath. He coughed, his throat scorching and his eyes burning. More tears spilled out of his burning eyes as snot dripped down his chin. Fucking disgusting. Fuck this shit.

He waited for a few more minutes before he flushed the toilet, sucking in a sharp, shaky breath.

He at sat on the cold ground for a while, letting his knees sink into the cold tiles until they made his skin sore, cold and utterly numb. 

He felt himself tremble again, he was so exhausted. He willed himself to not completely break down again.

He finally stood up. He couldn’t tell much time had passed whatsoever. 

Everything on him was drenched in sweat and tears. He desperately needed to shower and change. He felt absolutely fucking disgusting.

Before anything, he washed his mouth out and brushed his teeth. Rules be damned that you were supposed to wait, he wouldn’t let that taste be in his mouth for any longer. He scrubbed his teeth aggressively, spitting out mouth wash multiple times until he completely couldn’t taste anything but mint. 

He ripped off his clothes, taking a minute to look at himself in the mirror. He felt fake. Like he wasn’t in his own body. There was a huge scar across his face, huge scars on his arms and a huge scar covering his chest where his heart had exploded out of it. He grimaced.

He felt so ugly with the scars. He felt so horrible. Scars weren’t ugly on other people, Like Izuku, Kirishima, or Todoroki. But on him? He felt unreal.

He couldn’t stop his mind from racing, it felt absolutely impossible. Nothing was ever impossible for Katsuki Bakugo. Not until now. Now, everything for whatever sick and twisted reason felt impossible. 

As he stared into the mirror, he felt the urge to rip it off the wall. Or punch it. Do something so he didn’t have to look at himself anymore. He didn’t want to see himself anymore, and honestly stopped wanting to look at himself a long time ago.

His reflection just wasn’t right. It probably never was. The boy standing back in the mirror looking back at him couldn’t be him, who cares if that’s his reflection. That just can’t be him. He observed himself closely, trying to hold his breath for as long as he could so the mirror wouldn’t fog when he breathed out. 

He found himself staring in the mirror for a long time before he actually got into the shower, and even then he got out his phone to send a message.

He found his fingers hovering over Izuku’s contact, clicking on it and then thinking of what to send. He needed to apologize again, and he wasn’t doing that over text.

He sent a singular text reading, ‘im coming to your dorm soon.’ and clicked his phone off. That was probably a little too straight forward. What if he wasn’t even in his dorm and he was some where else? Fuck. He hopes that isn’t the case because then he’ll be ruining something else, again. As per usual.

He couldn’t let himself think about that right now. He’d probably spiral again. He needed to calm down before he talked to Izuku, god forbid he makes him worried or make him cry because he’s losing his shit.

He finally stepped into the shower, turning the water warm and standing still for a few moments before he washes his hair.

He scrubs his hair desperately, he felt so disgusting. Maybe he could scrub the thoughts out inside of drowning.

That’s not how that works, obviously, but maybe in a miracle it would. 

He scrubbed his hair so hard that it hurt, brushing his soapy fingers through his hair until there couldn’t possibly he more spots to cover. 

He did the same thing when he washed his body, scrubbing so hard that it hurt. A part of him wondered if he kept scrubbing the filth that littered his body, the filth that he felt was buried so deep within, practically coursing through his veins, this bitterness that remained persistent would also be washed away. 

Hs scrubbed harder. His skin hurt. His body ached.

Maybe if he kept scrubbing it would all go away. The soap would seep inside and cleanse him through and through.

He knew that wasn’t how this worked, and scoffed bitterly at the thought. He felt his knees tremble as he sank down onto the shower floor, the patterned tiles surely marking up his knees and leg. It hurt.

He spent what felt like hours in the shower, but he knew it couldn’t have really been that long. He just needed more time to get himself to chill the fuck out before he went to Izuku to apologize again.

He let himself sink further to the ground, letting out a breath as his knees pressed up against his stomach. He breathed in sharply a few times, ignoring the little droplets of water that would go up his nose. Surprisingly, they weren’t burning. 

The water on his back went from practically boiling to lukewarm until eventually the spray started to feel cold.

Once it did, he couldn’t really find a reason to stay in the shower any longer. He hated the cold, hated the way it nipped at his skin and made every part of him shiver. He hated it cause it made him lose control. The cold would make movements slower, protection harder by the stilled movements as the cold nipped at the skin of whoever it was threatening.

He shifted up, moving carefully. There were red marks along his stomach where his legs had remained pressed into it for who knows how long. Whatever.

He carefully stood up, finally washing his face. Cold water worked better to wash your face, right? Because it would close your pores and now allow dirt in. Yeah.

Finally, he got dressed. He wore his usual black tank top along with some sweats. Now he could head to Izuku’s dorm. Hopefully, he’d be there.

He only took a few steps in the hall when he was forced to halt, blinking a few times as he saw Izuku seemingly rush down the hallway. They made a brief second of eye contact before Katsuki grimaced slightly and looked away. Izuku walked forward with his usual strut.

“Kacchan!” He started, obviously worried, “Is everything okay? I’m so sorry, I just got your text.” He explained almost rapidly, stopping once he felt he was close enough, trying to give Katsuki some sort of space. 

“S’fine Izuku— shit, don’t apologize.” He felt himself frowning at Izuku’s worry. He didn’t want him to be so worried all the time. 

Recently, Izuku has been constantly worried. He was sorta like that before, but now it was a lot worse. So much worse. It’s not like you could blame him. Honestly, everyone had been a lot more worried recently. It only made sense. You don’t exactly come out of a war not worried. 

“I was gonna go to your dorm.” Katsuki spoke, eyeing him for a moment.

Izuku huffed, “I know— I just— When I saw your text you had sent it over an hour ago and when I went to my dorm you weren’t there!” 

Izuku paused for a moment, letting his shoulders sink slightly so they weren’t so tense. 

“Your text was pretty discreet, I thought something happened!”

Technically, something did happen, but Katsuki wasn’t about to dive into all of that. That could be kept hidden, kept under the shadows for the rest of time.

He hated that he had made Izuku so worried, he really did. It was too late for that now, though. He just . . . Needed to apologize. Again. And ask about the embers.

“Well, im fine. I just wanted to talk.” He shifted on his feet as he spoke, turning and walking into his dorm. Izuku followed after, shutting the door behind him.

“About?” The other boy questioned, looking at Katsuki. It was clear that he was trying to read his expression. Izuku always did that, and he was really good at it too.

Katsuki stared back at him for a second, he could feel his lip twitch slightly. He swallowed. 

“. . . How are the embers?” Was what he started off with. He could see Izuku raise a brow slightly at him, his face forming into a slight frown. 

Izuku hummed for a moment, eyeing Katsuki almost suspiciously before he spoke, “They’re fine, I promise.” He paused, seemingly needing to take a few seconds to think about something, “That’s like, the fifth time you’ve asked today, Kacchan.” He pointed this out, crossing his arms slightly. 

Katsuki let out a short huff, averting his gaze away from Izuku’s obviously worried stare. 

“I was just checking.”

“Five times today?” 

Katsuki grimaced. 

“Im just worried- I dont— Fuck.” The words felt lost on the tip of his tongue. He felt fucking stupid. He couldn’t exactly bear to look at Izuku right now. He was too patient for his own good. 

He let out a frustrated huff, sitting down on his bed. He tapped his foot against the ground.

“Im sorry.” Was all he managed to get out.

“What—? Kacchan, why?” Izuku questioned, he seemed almost startled by the apology. 

“You’ve already apologized enough. Is— Is that what’s wrong?” 

Katsuki refused to look at him. He swallowed, trying to bring himself to say literally anything but the sudden tight feeling in his chest wouldn’t let him. 

“I haven’t!” He suddenly spat out in protest, looking up at the other boy almost desperately. He could feel his heart pounding against his chest.

His eyes met with Izuku’s, the other boys expression is concerned, but almost determined. They locked eyes for a solid moment before Izuku stepped forward, deciding to kneel on the ground infront of where Katsuki sat on the bed.

“Yes, you have. You’ve done more than enough, okay?” Izuku calmly replied despite Katsuki’s sudden outburst, gently resting a hand on top of Katsuki’s knee. He tensed slightly at the touch.

“No I haven’t,” He protested again, his voice cracking ever so slightly. Even if it was little crack in his tone, Izuku wouldn’t fail to notice it, and he obviously did with the way his brows furrowed and his eyes narrowed at the crack.

“What more could you do? I forgave you long ago, I forgave you before you ever apologized to me the first time, Kacchan.”

Izuku explained, tightening his hold on Katsuki’s knee.

Katsuki stiffened at his words, avoiding his gaze. His chest felt so tight, his whole body felt so stiff. He inhaled, trying to find the right words to say but nothing was coming to mind through the sea of thoughts.

“Why? Why would you ever forgive me?” Katsuki choked out, resting his elbows on his knees and bringing his palms up to his eyes, pressing them against them as some attempt to stop the tears that threatened to flow. He couldn’t let himself break. Not now. 

Izuku replied quickly: like this was such an obvious answer, “Because you were always in my life? Because i’ve always looked up to you? Because you’ve done so much to better yourself? Because you never stop trying?” 

He could feel Izuku staring into him, practically boring a hole in his skull. Katsuki couldn’t make himself accept Izuku’s answer as it washed over him, because it didn’t feel right. Why would he ever be forgiven? He didn’t deserve it. 

“I just…” Katsuki spoke hesitantly, running his hands through his hair as he forced himself to meet Izuku’s gaze.

Izuku was clearly waiting patiently for an answer, but Katsuki just continued to stare into him, taking in his features for a moment.  He found himself staring at the scar that ran across Izuku’s face, it covered four of his freckles on that side.

Izuku did have freckles all over his body, but there were eight freckles on both sides of his cheeks that were darker, they stood out compared to the rest. Now there wasn’t eight. There were four, all because of the war.

His hair was growing back now, little by little. His haircut before looked a little silly, and it still did now. That wasn’t his fault though. 

“You used to have eight.” Katsuki suddenly voiced his thoughts outwardly, blinking at Izuku, who was clearly really fucking confused.

“Eight? Eight of what?” He questioned, brow raised. He was probably confused by the sudden change of conversation. 

“Your freckles,” Katsuki continued, looking down at him. He hesitantly brought his left hand up to his face, stroking a thumb over his cheek. He didn’t exactly know what the fuck he was doing.

Izuku’s face notably flushed from the touch, and he blinked at Katsuki. 

“You used to have four on each cheek that were really dark.” Katsuki huffed, looking down at the other boy.

“You—- You know the amount of freckles I had on my cheeks?” Izuku questioned, cracking a small smile at him. 

Katsuki felt his own face heat at the question and he pulled his hand away, scoffing. Izuku just chuckled at him. 

“Thats sweet, Kacchan.” The other boy commented, standing up slowly and sitting next to him on the bed. “Really, it is. Didn’t think you’d know something like that.” 

Katsuki stared at him for a moment, blinking. “Why wouldn’t I know that? They were like, the most obvious fuckin’ feature on your face.” He deadpanned, trying to cover up his obvious embarrassment. 

Izuku hummed, giving another light chuckle. “Sure, sure. If that’s what you think.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Katsuki questioned, feeling his heart pick up in his chest. The previous feelings of anger and whatever else he couldn’t quite define washing away as the butterflies picked up in his stomach.

The other boy chuckled again, looking at him contently for a few moments before speaking again, “Do you feel better?”

“I guess.” Katsuki murmured, now turning his gaze away from Izuku. 

“Do you want to talk more about it?” The other boy questioned, resting his hand on Katsuki’s knee just like he had before.

Katsuki thought for a moment and then shrugged. He didn’t know if he wanted to do that at all. He was feeling better now, right? 

Izuku hummed, rubbing his thumb gently across the other boys knee. “That’s okay. I’m here for you though, Kacchan. I want you to be okay.” He paused for just a moment, letting out a quiet sigh. He seemed hesitant. “Can I stay with you?”

Katsuki blinked, feeling his own face flush at the question. They’d had many sleepovers before, ever since childhood. This shouldn’t be a problem, at least not now.

“I don’t care.” He finally replied after a moment of thinking. 

Izuku smiled at him, giving a quiet response. “Okay.”

. . . 

They were quiet for a while, not talking very much. It didn’t feel awkward though. It felt okay. It felt right.

The two were laying slightly against each other, watching movies on Katsuki’s laptop. The movie was almost over and it was getting pretty late, it was about twelve-thirty. Katsuki felt exhausted, from the events of the day and since he usually went to bed around eight.

His friends usually teased him for this, but he didn’t exactly care. Going to bed early was something he could usually keep consistent. The need to keep things consistent was always a big thing in Katsuki’s life, even when he was a kid.

Recently, nothing had been consistent at all. This was obvious, since they were literally in a war and it had just ended. 

He always wishes the war didn’t have to happen. He wishes so many things never happened. 

He wishes he never bullied Izuku, wishes he was never such an asshole in the beginning, he wishes so many things.

Maybe he shouldn’t wish that those things never happened tho. Maybe they were meant to happen so he could grow, but he wishes that he had always been good. He never wanted to be bad, but he was. He was so bad. He said so many things in the past he never meant to say. 

He felt so tired. He was sure he’d probably fall asleep and not finish the movie. 

“I don’t forgive you.” 

The sudden voice made Katsuki jolt in the bed, staring at Izuku.

“What?” He questioned, staring at the other boy wide eyed. What the fuck was that? What was he saying? Katsuki didn’t understand.

“I said I don’t forgive you Katsuki.” Izuku turned to him, his face looking dead. Every feature of his that made him seem alive was gone. 

Suddenly the whole room was dark, like they were standing in a void of complete black. He was standing across from Izuku. What the fuck?

“I don’t forgive you.” The other boy repeated, standing across from him. Katsuki just stared at him, blinking a few times. He watched as something that seemed like rain dripped onto the pitch black floor. The rain looked like it was almost glowing, shimmering through the darkness. The slow drops quickly turned heavy, soaking the two boys as they stood across from each other. 

“I don’t know why you expected me to forgive you.” He stated, the world around them suddenly becoming clearer. He looked over his shoulder, staring at his classmates behind him who seemed utterly mortified. Oh. This was when Izuku had ran away and wrote everyone letters. 

“I don’t expect you to.” Katsuki stated calmly, staring at the other boy.

“Yeah, you do. You expect everyone to forgive you despite how fucking awful you truly are Katsuki.” Izuku stated, taking a step back. The two stared at each other in silence. The world around them went black again, the only visible thing being the rain that was once again glistening as it hit the darkness that covered the ground.

Katsuki wanted to protest but he couldn’t. he couldn’t speak, couldn’t move, everything felt like it was in slow motion. 

“You just expect to be forgiven for everything. You can’t be forgiven anymore Katsuki.” The other boy walked, almost circling him.

“You’ve been awful ever since we were kids. People don’t just change from that kind of thing. Maybe you were born awful from the start. Maybe there really is filth coursing through your veins at all times.” Izuku continued, circling around Katsuki as he spoke. Katsuki still couldn’t fucking move. 

“I just don’t understand what drove you to be so awful. I really don’t. I mean, you have great parents, you’ve always had support from your family and friends, even though you acted awful to everyone. Everyone stuck by your side no matter what.” Izuku was almost glaring at him, still circling. 

“I don’t think you know what made you so awful either, do you,” The other asked, blinking at him. 

Suddenly everything shifted, his body felt like it was being thrown a million miles an hour into the ground, this terrible feeling so nauseating he felt like he could pass out.

Then he was being choked, coughing roughly. He was coughing up fucking disgusting ass black gunk. What the actual fuck.

There was a sudden presence on his back, two hands. He looked up, meeting Izuku’s gaze. 

“Are you okay? Are you hurt?” The voice was loud, ringing through his ears and throughout his skull. He felt like his brain was being rattled as the world around him was almost shattering, memories and moments mixing and fogging together. 

The words spoken by Izuku were still ringing in his head, echoing over and over, the world splitting between the river while Izuku went from a child before he consistently mushed into a teen, asking the same thing. Over and over.

It was all playing in some fucked up loop, the moments mixing together rapidly. The sludge villain, being kidnapped, getting stabbed the first time, everything. It was all spinning around him and he couldn’t force it to stop. He kept coughing, throwing up almost. His organs felt unnatural in his body again as he heaved desperately.

Then it stopped. It all stopped for a moment, and he was back in middle school. In the class room.

“You know if you wanna be a hero that badly there might actually be another way.” Oh. Right.

“Just pray you’ll be born with a quirk in your next life, and take a swan dive off the roof of the building.”

He stared at himself, trembling. This was so fucking freaky. He watched himself walk out of the classroom, his whole body still. 

Katsuki turned his head, staring down at Izuku. Fuck. Why did he say that.

The memory shifted again, and for some reason his whole body felt cold. Middle school Izuku was getting his notebook that Katsuki destroyed out of the small pond it was in. He remembered this day all too well.

He glanced up, looking up at himself on the rooftop. He remembered this day. Remembered how scared he was that Izuku might actually do it after he said something like that. He always said things like that. Said things he didn’t mean.

That day, Katsuki couldn’t bring himself to leave the school until Izuku went home. He remembered watching him leave, making sure he didn’t do anything stupid.

That was the same day as the sludge villain attack. The day that started it all.

Izuku had fucking saved him that day. He really, really did. Fuck. Why would he ever, ever in his life do that. After Katsuki told him to Kill himself Izuku saved him. 

He probably shouldn’t have been saved. He didn’t deserve to be helped after something so cruel. 

The world around him went black again, the rain returning. Izuku and Katsuki stood across from eachother again.

“I wish we could’ve talked.” Izuku stated, blinking at him.

“We can.” He stared at Izuku, feeling more confused than he ever has in his whole life. They could talk. They had been talking about everything. What the hell is going on? 

“No we can’t.” Izuku argued back, staring at him.

“Why do you think that?” Katsuki asked, staring back at him as the rain soaked him once more. 

“You didn’t come back.” Izuku stated, blinking.

“What?” Katsuki blinked at him, eyes wide. 

“You didn’t come back Katsuki. You died.” Izuku stared at him, his eyes looked dead. He was un-moving, just staring.

Katsuki could feel his heart pounding in his chest, blinking.

“I came back. Im alive.” He protested. He felt absolutely fucking bewildered as he stared at the other.

Izuku stepped forward, putting his hand on his chest. His heart stopped pounding as Izuku’s hand sunk into his chest, feeling his heart. All the air was knocked out of Katsuki’s lungs and he couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t move.

“It’s not beating. You didn’t come back. You didn’t wake up.” The words Izuku spoke rang loud in his head, rattling his whole body.

“No one could save you. I couldn’t save you. You died. You’re not here anymore Kacchan.” 

He felt himself be thrown back again like he was before, the wind roaring in his ears. His heart pounding again as he recognized his place. Back on the battlefield, flying through the air as his heart had been stabbed. As his heart exploded within. The pounding stopped. 

He felt the loud ringing in his ears, his whole body felt like it was on fire as it ached. Everything was so loud, ringing all around his whole body as everything went dark.

The world around him felt still in the complete darkness he was surrounded by, the ringing in his ears starting to hurt as he felt himself heaving. He blinked rapidly, seeing nothing for a while until he felt as if he had been thrown somewhere else, the ringing getting louder as all he could see was himself dead on the ground.

Best Jeanest was desperately trying to save him. He was crying, using his quirk, calling out to him, trying to save him. 

Was this real? Was this true? Had he not woken up, seriously?

He couldn’t tell as he stared down at his own lifeless body. He brought his hands up to his face, feeling the blood pouring from his nose and mouth. It was like this body was mimicking the one lying on the ground, cold and lifeless. 

It was all too loud and his ribs felt dull. His heart wasn’t beating. He moved his hands down, feeling his bare chest that was undeniably exploded open, just like his body that was on the ground. He felt his body have a sudden rush of coldness as he felt himself hunch over, throwing up blood. He heaved, curling over his own dead body on the ground that Best Jeanest was desperately trying to save.

And then it was gone. He felt the darkness swarm around him again and the ringing got louder and louder. He was met with his own funeral. What the fuck. His own funeral.

“It’s okay Kacchan.” He turned, staring wide eyed at a now— younger version of Izuku. 

“Kacchan.” He repeated, staring at him.

“Kacchan!”

That’s when he woke up, jolting upwards, heaving. Izuku was yelling his name. 

The next thing he could feel and hear was the heat of his palms, a loud, deafening bang coursing through his palm as he shot up, releasing an explosion against the wall infront of him. He was heaving, disoriented as he felt the crackles from his left palm. 

Besides him, he barely felt the bed shift, Izuku staring at him with wide eyes, he was saying something, clearly panicked but Katsuki couldn’t make it out, The ringing was too loud and he felt too confused to make out if this was even real.

Dead. He was dead. How was he here. Was this fake?

No, this isn’t fake. What just happened.. was fake. It was a dream. 

He couldn’t even breathe, he looked around his room desperately, bringing his left hand to his chest and pressing harshly where his heart was. Fuck. This cannot happen again. Not infront of Izuku. God damn it.

It became clear that whatever was happening before was all some sort of fucked up dream. He wishes he would’ve somehow realized that in his sleep. Maybe he would’ve woken up then.

He curled into himself, his left palm still letting out crackles. That’s when he felt the bed shift again, Izuku shifting to sit infront of him. The other teen placed one hand on his shoulder and the other hand on top of Katsuki’s hand.

Izuku said something again, and Katsuki had to stare at his lips for the words to finally begin registering in his brain.

“—cchan! Hey— don’t do that, you’ll hurt yourself.” Izuku whispered, tightening his grip on the back of Katsuki’s hand. “Please try to listen. Can you hear me? Are you hurt? Can you make out what I’m saying? Did you have a bad dream?” The other was asking a lot of questions, all of them consistent, like he was trying to make him at least hear one of them. Izuku had probably realized that Katsuki wasn’t able to register what he was saying all too well, thats why he was asking so many questions, trying to make Katsuki focus on what he was saying. Trying to make him hear at least one of the questions 

Katsuki couldn’t bring himself to reply, despite being able to hear all the questions now. His throat felt dry and he felt his eyes stinging, tears building in them. 

Izuku shifted closer, gripping his hand firmly around Katsuki’s shaking one, intertwining their fingers. Katsuki felt too weak to protest against this, but he was afraid of his hand being taken away from his heart. He hated how afraid he was. 

But, Izuku didn’t take it away. He just pressed both of their hands on his rapidly beating heart, the other boys grip on his shoulder becoming firmer as well. 

“You’re okay,” Izuku spoke, staring at him. He probably realized by this point what the problem was. “Your heart is fine. It’s beating, you’re alive.” The other spoke gently. 

“You need to try and take some deep breaths.” Izuku said, gently rubbing his thumb across Katsuki’s hand, both of their hands still in place over Katsuki’s pounding heart.  

Katsuki’s whole body felt like it was on fire, he sucked in a few desperate breaths, his chest still heaving. In the process, he uncurled slightly, his whole body trembling wildly. The sparking of his palm had stopped, his body felt hot and gross. He was drenched in sweat. 

Izuku was un-moving, breathing with Katsuki, staring at him patiently. 

Izuku attempted to take Katsuki’s hand off his chest, keeping his eyes locked on Katsuki’s face the whole time. Katsuki tensed, but didn’t protest just yet. He hesitantly allowed the other boy to take his hand away, his chest now free from his own desperate grip. 

His shirt was burnt from the sparks and there were small burns on his skin. Izuku took the hand that had been resting on his shoulder and gently ran it across Katsuki’s slightly burnt skin. The burns weren’t bad by any means, but they were definitely there, his skin obviously red in some areas despite how dark the room was, the only two light sources being the moon’s light that peaked through the window and a small lamp that was on. 

Izuku’s fingers grazed the skin, grazing the burns and the huge scar Katsuki had across his chest where his heart had bursted out of, the area slightly indented compared to the rest of his skin.

It was quiet, the only noise coming from Katsuki, who was still trying to re-orient himself.

The panic that he had felt was almost gone. This was a lot different than earlier. When he had panicked earlier, it felt like the end of the world. Maybe Izuku really did just know how to make everything better.

“Are you back with me?” Izuku questioned, looking at Katsuki’s face. He could feel the others gaze on him. Katsuki just nodded, keeping his gaze away from the other boys. He had his eyes dead focused on the blankets below the two of them.

“Okay, that’s good.” Izuku stated, his voice quiet. He was clearly thinking about something. “Do you wanna talk about it? Or?” 

“No,” Katsuki managed to get out after a few minutes. He finally looked at the other boy, his gaze hesitant as he did. “I’m— Im sorry Izuku.” He apologized again, his grip on the other boys hand tightened.

“Why?” Izuku questioned, staring at him intently. “You don’t have to be. Don’t worry about that right now. Stop apologizing, Okay? You have bigger things to worry about.” He spoke, almost scolding him. Izuku looked and sounded really sad. Katsuki really hated this. 

Katsuki let out a huff, and they sat like this for a while. He was sweaty and gross but he didn’t actually trust himself to stand yet. 

He looked around his room, the familiarity of the dorm helped slightly. His all might poster that was next to his bed, his alarm clock that read two-thirty am, the pictures he had with his friends, the pictures he had of his parents. All of that was good. All of that was normal.

Izuku was here, he was here. He was alive. He could feel the soft blankets the two were sitting on. He could see his computer that was now off to the side and closed. He could see his wall that had been burned over and over from the explosions that threatened to come out when his nightmares got too bad. He was lucky he hadn’t burnt the poster that was close to it. He should definitely move that poster. 

Looking around was helping ground him more, that was good at least. He could feel Izuku’s thumb rubbing across the back of his hand. Izuku’s hands were rough and calloused, covered in scars. 

After a while, felt absolutely fucking exhausted. He also felt absolutely embarrassed. He couldn’t even believe all of that actually just happened, especially infront of someone else. Infront of Izuku.

And, Izuku helped, just like he always did. He always found a way to help others, no matter what crazy situation he was in. 

Katsuki couldn’t believe he used to bully Izuku for that kind of thing. He was such an asshole. He hated himself for it, because fuck, Izuku had always worked so fucking hard for everything and Katsuki put him down for it until recently.

He huffed at the thought, glancing at the other boy for a moment.

“You really are amazing, huh.” Katsuki randomly blurted this out, quietly. He felt his face flushed, but felt less embarrassed when he saw Izuku’s face mirror his own.

“Where— Where’d that come from?” The other boy questioned, chuckling softly at him. Katsuki could see the way Izuku’s eyes seemed to shimmer. He was obviously holding back tears. 

Katsuki just shrugged, humming as he took his hands away. “I need t’change.” He stated, glancing at the other boy. Izuku just nodded. 

He changed out of his sweat drenched clothes, cringing at how they were clinging to his skin. He scoffed, putting the clothes into the laundry basket, digging through his drawers for a pair of shorts.

He didn’t have to look for too long before he found a pair, slipping it on. The fabric was comfortable. 

He felt himself sigh, turning slightly and glancing at himself in the mirror. He stared for a few moments, looking at his own scarred body. He grimaced, looking away with a frown.

He hated the scars, really. He probably shouldn’t, but he does. He wonders if most people do. 

Maybe they do. He knew Todoroki had hated the scar on his face up until the sports festival, he always hid it before that with anything he could find. He hid it with his hair, or his suit, or anything. There was rarely a time you were able to see that side of his face. It was different now. 

Maybe one day Katsuki would stop hating his scars too. He hoped for that. People in his class always talk about how you should be proud of your scars, because they’re apart of you.

Their whole class had scars from the same thing— the war. That was an interesting fact. They were all connected in that sense. 

He finally slipped a shirt on, huffing. He had gotten used to figuring out how to put a shirt on with just one arm, maneuvering his other arm into the sleeve as well. He hated how difficult it was. 

Everything recently had been unnecessarily difficult. It was frustrating. 

He finally sat back down, thinking for a moment. The two of them were silent again. He knew Izuku wasn’t going to ask more about it. Izuku was always trying to give Katsuki space if he needed it. He appreciated that.

He did want to say more, but he didn’t know what to say. He was never good with words, at least not usually. 

“You’re amazing too y’know.” Izuku looked at him, a smile on his face.

“Tsk. Shut up.” Katsuki replied quickly, no real bite to his tone. He glanced at Izuku, a smile still on the other’s face.

“I mean it!” The other teen crossed his arms, huffing.

“Yeah, I know you do.” Katsuki smiled back at him, blinking. They stared at each other for a few moments. Katsuki broke the eye-contact first, his heart fluttering too much for his own good. He heard Izuku huffing at him when he did this, and Katsuki passed him a quick glare. 

Katsuki moved his computer off the bed now, since they had both fallen asleep and left it on previously. He wonders if Izuku had finished the movie. He knows he sure didn’t. They’d have to finish it a different time.

The two laid back down next to each other, sitting in silence for a while. They both faced each other, and both of them were very clearly not asleep. 

Like usual, Izuku was the first one who actually spoke up. “Hey Kacchan?” The other boy spoke, shifting in the bed. Katsuki fluttered his eyes open, blinking at him. 

“I know it’s uh, pretty hard to talk about things sometimes. But do you think you can talk to me— or at least someone about what’s been going on? Im assuming thats not a new thing, and I don’t think you should deal with that on your own.” Izuku stated, making a gesture with his hands as he spoke.

Katsuki stared at him for a moment. “Yeah, sure.” He shrugged, and Izuku shot a look at him. 

“I’m serious.” 

“I am too.”

After this they just looked at each other for a good moment before Izuku spoke again, and honestly, Katsuki was grateful because he wasn’t sure he was gonna make up any sort of response.

“I know you’re not a big talker when it comes to things like that, but I also don’t think you hiding all of that is okay.” Izuku stated, shifting again and propping himself up with his elbow. 

“Like you don’t do the same thing?” Katsuki protested, coming off harsher than he would have wanted to.

“What are you talking about?” The other teen immediately questioned, raising his eyebrows.

“You hide everything! You’re so obviously not okay and it’s driving me fucking nuts Izuku.” Katsuki spat out, scoffing at him. 

“You constantly act like you’re all fine and help everyone like you always do, when you need help yourself. You need to worry about yourself more!”

Izuku just stared back at him, eyebrows furrowed. Katsuki continued, 

“You literally have gone through so much from the start, and you were alone! You got your arms ripped off Zuku!” 

“You died!” Izuku protested, staring at him.

“You saw it! It was traumatic for you!” Katsuki spat back. 

“And it wasn’t for you?”

And then it was silent. It was silent for a while. Both of them sat in silence, just looking at each-other, thinking of something to say.

“Im not sayin’ it wasn’t.” Katsuki finally spoke, sighing. Izuku was listening intently, clearly. He always was.

“I just don’t want you bottling things up either. And, I know you have been. It’s really fuckin’ obvious.” 

The other teen let out a soft sigh, humming.

“I know I have been. I think everyone has been doing it. He paused for just a moment. “And again, that includes you Kacchan.”

Katsuki huffs, and it’s just silent again. He doesn’t have a whole lot to say— doesn’t know what to say. Izuku probably understands that. The other boy can read him like a book. 

They continue to sit in silence, both of them lying down and facing each other.

Katsuki doesn’t know when it happens, but he ends up falling back asleep. He didn’t dream that time, or at least he doesn’t remember dreaming. 

. . . 

Once he woke up, he practically was shocked awake because he felt how arms were wrapped around him. How his arm was wrapped around someone too.

Someone.

Someone. 

Izuku. 

He blinked a few times, his eyes fluttering mirroring how his heart fluttered inside of his chest. 

He didn’t exactly know what to do. He probably wasn’t really supposed to do anything, but he didn’t know. His arm suddenly felt tense and awkward where it was laying on Izuku’s back. The other boy was practically laying on top of him, the way he was laying seemed almost as if he planned out laying on him, because he definitely made sure to not put any pressure on Katsuki’s right arm. 

He wasn’t quite sure if the other boy was actually awake or not. He stared at him for a long moment, tucking the other boys green hair behind his ears. 

His hair still looked a little silly due to the previous half shave, but it wasn’t too bad anymore. It was growing in just good. 

Katsuki har always liked Izuku’s hair. It’s always been the same shades of green, all seeming to mix together in a perfect blend as if Katsuki was staring into the perfect view of a forest. 

The other boys hair was also always so curly, and very, very hard to take care of. He remembers all the nights he would spend at Izuku’s house when Inko had to take care of his hair. Izuku cried almost everytime. Granted, it definitely hurt. It takes a lot to take care of hair like that. 

Katsuki didn’t think his own hair was all that. It didn’t look good, but it was definitely pretty damaged. Admittedly, he always straightened it and put way too much product in it for years on end up until recently. His hair was a lot softer now though, it was healing, Healing like the rest of him. 

Katsuki continued to push the hair out of the other boy’s face, his thumb grazing his cheek every so often. He looked over all his freckles, humming when he looked at the scarred part of his face.

He used to have eight.

Eight.

He can’t believe he admitting knowing that to Izuku’s face. He felt his face heat from embarrassment at the thought of the fact that he seriously sat there and told him that. Jeez.

He huffs out in embarrassment, blinking a few times. He hesitantly rested his hand back on Izuku’s face, brushing his hair back once more.

He stared for a few moments, pushing the hair on his forehead back over and over, brushing through it in the same smooth motions for a while.

Katsuki doesn’t really know what exactly comes over him when he suddenly swallows and presses a soft kiss into the other boys forehead, the kiss was light and fleeting, it probably didn’t even count. 

He felt himself freeze, his whole body heating up as he realized what exactly he had just done. But he didn’t have much time to think about any of that when Izuku sucked in a breath, blinking at Katsuki. Oh. Fuck. 

Neither of them said anything. Both of their bodies seemed to freeze in place. And fuck, Katsuki felt so stupid. He’s honestly never felt more stupid in his whole life. He didn’t even know what to say or do. He literally couldn’t move.

Waves of emotions were crashing over him all over again, and he felt like he was almost choking.

Izukus face was flushed a complete deep shade of red and this only made Katsuki’s stomach swirl more. 

After what felt like the longest most unbearable moments of his entire life, he attempted to get up but felt every motion be practically knocked out of him when Izuku didn’t let him get up.

Instead, the other boy pushed Katsuki’s hair up now, kissing him gently on the forehead just like he had.

Katsuki felt his whole stomach do a flip as he felt like his brain was short-circuiting. His whole face felt hot up to his ears and down his neck, and he blinked at Izuku. Then they both just stared at each other again.

“I uh. Wanted to do that first.” Izuku spoke, his tone shaky and oh so awkward. Katsuki scoffed, now averting his gaze.

“Shut up. Oh my god.” He mumbled, his face heating up further. 

The other teen chuckled down at him, letting out a content sigh against Katsuki’s skin. Katsuki could feel the fact that the other was smiling like an idiot, and he was sure his facial expression mirrored Izuku’s. 

Izuku sat up, huge smile still on his face. Katsuki loved when Izuku smiled like that. It fit him so well. He felt himself grinning wider at this too before he fixed his face anxiously, propping himself up on one elbow and sitting up as well after a few moments.

“I guess— I guess I should do this the ‘proper’ way, huh.” Izuku spoke, he had a hand to his face and was rubbing it across the bottom part of his face, thinking. “Um. I like you— a lot, Kacchan.” Izuku stated, which, was really fucking obvious, but I guess for the ‘proper way of doing it’ it was necessary to say. Katsuki’s heart fluttered either way. He wondered if maybe he was still dreaming.

“Um. So..” Izuku trailed off, huffing slightly. “Will you be my boyfriend?” 

Katsuki felt himself smiling like an idiot, probably taking too long to give a response. He was sure Izuku knew the answer was yes anyways.

“Yeah— fuck— yes, of course I will.” He finally answered, and Izuku giggled and intertwined their fingers.

“Sorry. That was probably really awkward.” Izuku huffed, looking away slightly. That same dumb awkward smile he always had on his face still there.

“Tsk. Shut up. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way, Izuku.” Katsuki shook his head, rolling his eyes. He thought it was perfect. He really didn’t mind at all.

The two sat together for a while, just gently holding onto each other’s hands. They talked the whole time, Izuku mostly doing most of the talking, as per usual. 

Katsuki enjoyed the way their hands fit together. He liked how Izuku’s hands felt compared to his own. 

Admittedly, he felt weirdly insecure about his own hands. The sweat on his palms. Izuku didn’t care, obviously, but Katsuki was always sweating. He wondered if Izuku thought his hands felt gross.

He honestly was wondering about a lot of things. 

He didn’t exactly understand how Izuku liked him at all, he didn’t understand how he ever did. 

Katsuki never hated Izuku, at all, he just said a lot of things he really, really never should’ve done. He did a lot of things he never should’ve done. 

Despite all of this, Izuku forgave him anyways. Izuku never hated him, and he in all honesty had every right to hate him. To never wanna talk to him again. That just wasn’t what Izuku was like. Izuku was so much more forgiving than he should be. He always had been.

Katsuki really, really could spend the rest of his life like this. Genuinely. He could spend everyday of his life with Izuku like this. Sitting in silence, holding hands. He really could.

He didn’t think he ever wanted this feeling to go away, this felt good. Like the waves that were once so cruel had simmered down, and he was riding through them at a smooth pace. 

Maybe he still did want to drown in the waves sometimes. He wanted to be engulfed in them and swallowed whole, never to come back up. 

But that wouldn’t happen. Because there would always be someone there to ask him the same thing that he’s been asking since they were kids;

Are you okay? Are you hurt? 

And maybe, just maybe, one day he would be truthful with what he said, one hundred percent. He would admit to not being okay. He’d admit it when he was hurt. He’d admit to when he needed a helping hand, he’d admit to it all. 

He wasn’t there yet. 

But for now, he was fine where he was. Izuku’s hands in his, rubbing soft circles over the back of Katsuki’s hands with his thumbs, sitting in the comfortable silence. 

He was fine where he was. Yeah. With Izuku, usually everything felt just fine