Work Text:
Paul Scheer (bold and italic)
Jason Mantzoukas (bold)
June Diane Raphael (italic)
“Hello, people of earth and welcome to How Did This Get Made. I’m your host, Paul Scheer, and I am joined as always by my lovely co-hosts, Jason Mantzoukas—”
“What’s happening.”
“—And June Diane Raphael. How are you, June?”
“I’m good, Paul, how are you?”
“I am doing great, and I’m very excited to introduce our two guests for today’s show. Boy, oh boy. OK. Now, if you’re listening to this you probably noticed that the names of the guests are not listed in the description, and that is because we have a very special show for you today. So we’re doing the Carver Edlund box office disaster Bright Atlanta because so many of you have been requesting this movie and begging us to do it for, what? Two years now? Yeah, two years. Anyway, I’m glad we kept putting it off and putting it off because—this is where it gets crazy—I got a call about a week ago from some very important people, and they told me that Dean—excuse me, Academy Award winner Dean Winchester is a huge fan of our show and is personally offended that we haven’t done this movie yet because he was hoping to get to talk about it at length. So joining us today, the stars of Bright Atlanta and two people way too famous to be on this podcast, please welcome, again, Academy Award winner Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak.”
“Hey, Paul, glad to be here,” Dean says. He adjusts his headphones and rests his arm across the back of Cas’ chair.
“Hello, Paul. June, Jason,” Cas adds with a nod to each of them. June and Jason both look like they’re about to shit themselves with giddiness.
“Can I say something before we start?” Dean asks. He doesn’t wait for an answer before continuing, “I’ve heard you guys interview actors and directors from these movies before, and you act a lot differently than you do if you’re just talking shit about a movie with your comedian friends. I came here to talk shit about this movie, so don’t pull any of that professional crap with me, all right?”
The three hosts stare back at him, and he briefly wonders if they’ve ever been rendered speechless before.
Finally, Jason says very quietly, “I think I just came.”
“Wow, OK, so you don’t want this to be an interview?” Paul asks while he shuffles his notes around as if Dean didn’t already warn him before the show that he wanted to be treated like any old guest. “All right, you know what?” He tosses his notes over his shoulder, loud enough to be picked up on the mic. “I’m just going to throw out my notes and go off book. This movie. This movie is…frankly, it’s terrible.”
“Ugh, it’s so bad. Guys, no offense—this movie made me want to kill myself.”
“I have a question. When you guys were making this movie, did you know that it was bad? Like, was there a point where you realized, ‘oh no, I’m in a bad movie and there’s nothing I can do about it’?”
Dean and Cas share a smile before Cas bluntly answers, “No.”
“You’re shitting me.”
“We had no idea,” Dean says seriously. “I don’t think anybody knew. Well, maybe—honey, did Meg know?”
“Perhaps she mocked it a few times, but from what I know about her she would probably do that on any set of any movie she’s in.”
“I’m sorry, am I allowed to comment on the disgusting pet name you just used? What the fuck is happening.”
“Sorry, Jason, looks like you’re surrounded by a bunch of gross mated people.”
“Hey, look. I’ve got Paul and June fondling each other’s genitals during every episode and now Academy Award winner Dean Winchester is referring to Cas Novak as ‘honey’ right here in my presence, and just an update for everyone: I am still single.”
“So if you didn’t know it was a bad movie, when exactly…?”
Jason slides away from the mic as he breaks down laughing at June’s fixation on getting the answer to her question. She’s staring intently at them, her eyes narrowed like she’s doing an interrogation.
“Uh, at the premiere,” Dean answers. “It was the first time we saw it, and it was kind of like the elephant in the room afterward. We went out with the cast and nobody even mentioned it.”
“It wasn’t until Dean and I got home that we discussed how awful it was, and Dean even said that it would be the first time he ends up on this podcast.”
“And then did you guys bone before you went to sleep—”
Paul and June shout “Jason!” at the same time.
Dean makes eye contact with Jason and nods slightly. Jason’s mouth silently drops open in delight.
“OK, so while you were making the movie you had no reservations about it? No problem with it at all, you thought this is a Carver Edlund movie and that means it must be good.”
“Honestly, I read the script and liked how groundbreaking it seemed. You know, with the alpha woman/omega man pairing—”
“Rock hard during that entire scene.”
“—And a gay romance where the two don’t end up dead or mated at the end sounded good. And to have Chuck’s name on it—”
“Who’s Chuck?”
“Oh right, Carver Edlund. His real name’s Chuck.”
There’s an uproar about that, which dissolves into an argument that lasts at least five minutes. Dean and Cas sit quietly and watch the other three go at it. At one point, Dean covers his mic and whispers to Cas, “June’s the only alpha out of them, right?”
Cas squints at June before nodding. “Jason is a beta, and it’s possible Paul is an omega. His scent smells fabricated.”
“Wait, hold on,” June eventually says, cutting Jason and Paul off from their off-topic rant. “So Dean, you thought this movie would be a refreshing change of pace for your career, I’m assuming?”
“Yeah, something like that.”
“And what about you, Castiel?”
The corner of Cas’ mouth pulls up in a smile as he answers, “My agent promised me that Dean Winchester was in it.”
The reactions are deafening. Jason pushes his chair away from the mic and spins in circles as he screams up at the ceiling. June shouts “what” over and over again, and Paul tries to get them to calm down while also shouting at the top of his voice.
“All right, we have to talk about this. You two are—well, Dean, you just won an Oscar—congratulations, by the way—and in your speech you decided to announce that you and Castiel are mated. So, I guess my question is—”
“At what point during production did you two start going to town on each other?”
Dean leans forward right up against his mic and stares at Cas. “It was a few months in.”
“Wait. Wait. Hold on. I don’t mean to change the subject while we’re on this amazing topic, but did you just say a few months?”
“Oh, yeah. You want to try to guess how long production lasted?” Dean asks.
“Isn’t Edlund notorious for long shoots?”
“Well if we assume a normal shoot is three months, and a normal Edlund shoot is about five, then what would be—”
“It was a year,” Cas interrupts.
They all stare at him.
“What are you even saying to me right now.”
“How else would we have ended up mated?” Dean punctuates his question with a kiss to Cas’ knuckles.
“Twelve months. You were on set for twelve. Months.”
“I can’t believe you guys wasted a year of your lives making this literal garbage.”
Dean smiles warmly at Cas as he answers, “It was worth it.”
“For our listeners, Academy Award winner Dean Winchester is now staring lovingly into Castiel Novak’s eyes. Jason has left the room.”
“Sure, you two are cute, but still. Twelve months. A year. So, wait, you hook up a few months in and then…?”
“We didn’t tell anyone for a long time. I would’ve been perfectly fine being public with it, but Dean was out neither as an omega nor as bisexual.”
“I wanted to ask about that, Dean, if you don’t mind—how has your life changed since you came out?”
“I get offered omega roles now, which is weird. I don’t take them, because I have no idea how to play an omega, but other than that nothing’s really changed much. I avoid googling myself, and it works out pretty well for me.”
“Wow. That’s amazing. You’re such an inspiration, especially for the omega community.”
“Oh boy. Here we go.”
“No, I’m being completely serious! You know, as awful as it is, I’m really glad—no, ecstatic—that this movie was made, because so many great things came out of it. You two met and are now mated, Dean’s become such a positive influence—”
“While I agree with June, the movie is still garbage.”
“No, yeah, it’s absolutely garbage, but…”
“Frankly, it would’ve been a much better production if Dean and I had not been involved with one another.”
“How do you mean?”
Cas looks at Dean to gauge his mood before responding. “Our performances were all over the place. We break character every time we’re physical in scenes together—”
“Hell yeah you do, unh unh unh.”
“—And it makes for outstanding inconsistency and an inability for the audience to relate to or like our characters.”
“But you didn’t realize this was happening? Until after the fact?”
“I was more concerned with getting Cas’ dick in my ass than giving a consistent performance.”
Five more minutes of nonsense pass.
“By the way, we’re 20 minutes into this podcast and haven’t even talked about the actual movie.”
“Yeah, because the people don’t care about that, Paul. We want to hear about Dean and Cas raw dogging each other.”
“I’m unfamiliar with that—”
“I’ll explain later, Cas.”
“Oh my god, this is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”
"By the way, any guesses on what the budget was for this movie?"
"Well, I'm assuming Dean Winchester alone costs at least 40 mil."
"No, I disagree. I'm guessing the entire budget was less than $20 million."
"Really? For a yearlong—"
"June is right, the total budget was $14 million."
"What? Are you kidding me? Dean, Cas, how much did you get paid to do this nonsense for a whole year?"
"I'm actually pretty cheap," Dean says. "I think they gave me 2."
"I was given $1 million."
"Seriously, babe? I didn't realize I got paid twice as much as you."
"I wasn't famous then, Dean."
"I can't believe you two did this terrible movie for, like, chump change considering how rich you both are now. I mean, I'm assuming. You're both loaded, right?"
"We did it for the name. Edlund's a big deal," Dean answers. And I have more money than I know what to do with, he thinks.
“So when the movie opens, it has the signature Edlund sort of hyper realistic-looking shots before any characters are revealed. Actually, I’d like to point out that the cinematography in this movie is beautiful.”
“Oh, yeah, it’s gorgeous.”
“But it’s quickly cast to the side in favor of contrived dialogue and unnecessary shots of Dean’s abs.”
“Whoa, whoa, speak for yourself.”
“Yeah, Paul, you don’t see the rest of us complaining. Right, Castiel?”
“I didn’t mind the gratuitous nudity, no.”
“That was actually a surprise to me,” Dean says. “If you ever get the chance to meet Chuck, you’ll know what I’m talking about. You would never expect him to shoot such graphic shit, yet here we are.”
“Can we talk about the sex scenes now? This is no doubt the raunchiest, fucking hottest pile of garbage we’ve ever done on this show. It was literally like watching porn. Really shitty porn.”
“I have a question. There are a couple of sex scenes—or, I guess more like make-out scenes—between you two that seem…off? I don’t know, I got the impression that your characters had some deep, dark secrets they were hiding from one another. Did you ever talk about that, or was there some conscious choice made in that regard?”
“June. June, what do you think was going on? What did you think this movie was about?”
“Well, I—no, I don’t want to say.”
June and Jason break down laughing, but Dean tries to encourage June to continue with her theory.
“OK, OK. There was something really, um, animalistic about your character especially, Dean. From the start I was like, oh my god this guy is a serial killer. He’s literally going to murder Castiel’s character, and the rest of the movie is going to be spent trying to catch him. Did nobody else get that vibe?”
Jason laughs his ass off and barely manages to shake his head “no.” Before June can try to redeem herself, Cas agrees with her.
“I was terrified during certain scenes, so you’re correct about Dean’s character being scary. I’m not sure if serial killer was intended, but the narrative did set him up not to be likable.”
“Yeah, by the way, who was supposed to be the protagonist in this movie?”
“Yeah! That was so confusing.”
“I was completely lost from the opening credits and still didn’t have an answer by the end credits.”
“I think there’s a really simple answer for your confusion: Cas and I had way too much fucking character bleed.”
“Even the first time watching the film, I could always tell at which points both Dean and I break character.”
“Oh, you mean like the super obvious tongue fucking every time you guys kissed? It was so gross. I was into it.”
“Yeah, most of that was filmed before we got together,” Dean says with a smug smile to Cas.
“Can I be honest? The more you talk about your disgusting relationship the more I want to kill myself.”
“I think it’s cute. You two are adorable.”
“That reminds me, if you don’t mind me asking, what was it like when you got together? Like, who asked the other person out and all that other mushy crap.”
Jason groans into the mic and June shushes him.
“Uh, it’s been so long I’m not sure I remember exactly.”
“Dean and I are true mates, in the sense that our distinct smells were immediately and intensely attractive to one another from our first introduction. We ended up fooling around for a long time before, what’s the popular phrase? Being ‘exclusive’?”
Dean grimaces at Cas. “Gee, Cas, go ahead and tell ‘em all about our sex life, too.”
“Please. But talk slower this time.”
“Wait, but you only very recently came out as a—as a, uh, mated couple. I don’t think anybody could’ve possibly guessed—”
“Tell that to all the teenage girls on the Internet.”
“—Well, you know, I mean in the media. It was shocking is what I’m saying. So, was there any reason for coming out? Why, after keeping it a secret for so long, did you decide, ‘ah, to hell with it’?”
“Paul, come on, let’s not—”
“I didn’t tell Cas beforehand,” Dean interrupts. “I just…got sick of hiding. It was fun at first, but it gets boring after a while. I knew that might be the only chance I ever get to win a statue and give a speech in front of millions of people, so I just decided to go for it. Lucky for me, my alpha has been wanting to go public since the start, so I knew he wouldn’t be too mad.” He winks at Cas, and Cas rolls his eyes.
“That’s, um, really sweet actually. OK so just getting back to the movie—”
“Oh, there’s also the baby,” Dean interrupts again.
“Excuse me?”
“I’m sorry, did you say baby?”
“I figured I needed to explain why I’m pregnant before I start to show.”