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Yoongi feels like an idiot. A stupid, foolish, dunderheaded, absolute imbecile of an idiot - and several more synonyms he can't conjure in the moment. He's made a mockery of himself, ruined the relative peace he'd found being away from the spotlight , and thrown away the independence to drive alone... all over one damn mistake. One really big, extremely embarrassing mistake which also came with the complete humiliation of falling flat on his ass.
He wishes he could crawl into a hole and live under a rock for a while where he could work through the shame by himself instead of within the public eye. It's been so nice, not having cameras in his face all the time. Yeah, he's missed checking in with Army on occasion and he still craves the chance to put his art into the world, but feeling like a normal person for a while has been so refreshing that he can't stomach the idea of losing it.
Maybe that's the problem, he thinks. Maybe he's gotten so used to being Min Yoongi, Normal Person™, that he's forgotten he'll never be able to live by the standards of normal people. He'll never get to shake off an embarrassing fuck-up with only his closest friends and the law knowing it ever happened.
It's really just the cruelest luck that when he forgot to think five steps ahead of potential controversy, he managed to slip in the most stupidly humiliating way possible. Figuratively and literally.
Yoongi's silent self-loathing is interrupted by a low buzz, rumbling across his bedside table. His nose wrinkles as he glares toward the source: his phone, lighting up with a suspiciously flattering photo of Jin plastered across the screen. How many times does that make now? He lost count after four. Hyung's not the best with taking the 'let me wallow in my own misery' hint, but Yoongi supposes he shouldn't be surprised by that since it's not exactly new .
He doesn't want to answer. No, he does, but he doesn't want to face Jin when he can't even face himself.
The phone's still buzzing. ( Buzzing, buzzing, buzz-buzzing. ) It can't be far from going to the message declaring he's unavailable. If he lets it go, then another fifteen minutes or so may pass before it happens again... and again... and eventually Jin's going to get worried and come visit, which will only bring an even more difficult version of facing him...
Yoongi lunges across his bed to grab the phone and swipe his acceptance of Jin's call. This is better than having to look him in the eyes right now (or ever again).
"Yoongi-yah...?"
Answering would be wise. Yoongi's aware of this. He makes a valiant attempt, but all he manages is a soft intake of breath and the faint rustling of adjusting the phone in his grasp.
"I didn't call to scold you," Jin reassures, but the soft familiarity of his comforting tone only makes Yoongi feel more like an undeserving ass. "Are you okay?"
There are unspoken fears behind the question. Yoongi can imagine them fluttering like caged butterflies behind Jin's ribs, choking their way up through his throat as a sad, little sound when the silence continues to stretch. They're mostly unfounded, those fears, but Yoongi knows there's nothing he can say to make that seem convincing when he's self-isolating.
"You saw the post," Yoongi manages to say, forcing the words out like someone squeezing the last drop of toothpaste from an empty tube. "I'm not injured."
"That's not what I asked," Jin says, and damn it all but his tone is still soft, still soothing, still the same gentle murmur he uses when talking Yoongi down from a panic attack. " Are you okay? "
Silence stretches between them, thick with the weight of shame and sorrow. Yoongi finds himself wishing he could reach out and touch his hyung - his partner, technically, though he feels so unworthy of the title - just to ground himself in something solid, something real. It's one in a long line of wishes, all of which involve changing reality into something more palatable. He wants to feel the warmth of Jin's embrace, wants to hear the soft thrumming of a pulse beneath his head as he accepts the comfort of snuggles, wants to turn back time and make a better choice.
He knows that isn't how the world works.
"No," he finally admits. "I hate myself."
"You don't mean that."
Yoongi can practically hear the empathic wince in Jin's voice. It aches enough to keep him from countering the statement, no matter how strongly he feels the self-loathing emotions clawing their way through him from the inside. "I should have known better," he tries instead.
Jin exhales a humourless laugh. "Yeah," he agrees, but it doesn't sound like scolding. "Nobody was hurt. You can't do it again. It's okay to forgive yourself, jagiya."
Yoongi closes his eyes and pulls a deep, ragged breath as he leans his head back against the headboard. It's an obnoxiously hard thing that came with the home near his workplace; he's been meaning to put it in storage ever since Jin accidentally knocked his head against the weird ornate designs on it. Pondering storage locations, the effort required to move something made of solid wood, and whether he should hire someone to help feels easier than putting thought into forgiving himself.
"Yoongi-mine," Jin murmurs, always aware when Yoongi gets lost in his own mind - and always there to reel him back in like he's a prize fish.
"Can you come over?" Yoongi asks, barely louder than a breath. "I can't do this alone."
The raw admission takes so much out of Yoongi that he barely understands what he's hearing on the other end of the phone. Something rustles, creaks, echoes lightly, but he doesn't put much stock into the observation. It's far easier to get lost in how small and vulnerable he feels, having finally put voice to the inability to just hide alone under a rock until it all blows over. Yoongi knows himself, knows what will happen to his mental health if he gets too lost in his own head, yet still he feels compelled to retreat from the one person he needs most. Admitting he can't handle the solitude - especially solitude with a horrific spotlight shining in on him from every angle - feels like stripping his soul of its armor.
A soft knock echoes through the phone, just loud enough it almost sounds like... No, it is coming from his bedroom door, as well. Yoongi's breath catches, then he slowly releases the surrounding nerves with a quiet laugh. The phone topples from his hand as he shifts from the bed to meet Jin halfway, suddenly immensely grateful he gave a spare key to his boyfriend.
Wrapped in Jin's warm, all-encompassing embrace, Yoongi almost feels like maybe things will be okay.