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Ponyboy knew something was on his brother’s mind. Soda was always so obvious about that kind of thing. When there was something he wanted to say, his eyes darted back and forth and he chewed on the inside of his cheek.
The two of them were in their room, Pony reading while Soda was folding a basket of laundry made up entirely of jeans and DX shirts. His eyes kept darting to Ponyboy and then back down at what he was doing.
It made Pony nervous. Usually Soda didn’t have a problem with saying what was on his mind. But whatever it was now was making him hesitate. That meant it was something important or something that Soda wasn’t sure he should say.
Finally Soda said, “Ya know, I saw you and Curly hanging out tonight.”
Pony swallowed. This was a discussion he’d had with his brothers again and again. “Yeah. Darry said it was fine as long as I keep my head on right. He don’t mind anymore, I think he’s just glad I have a friend.”
Soda nodded and set a pair of folded jeans down on top of their dresser, “I know.” He started to chew on his cheek again. “But seeing y’all made me think of how you were with Johnny.”
It took everything in Pony not to flinch at his friend’s name. Even though it had been nearly a year and a half, he found it so hard to say their names out loud. It was hard to think about Johnny without getting upset. “Yeah, I guess. We got pretty close lately.”
Soda couldn’t look at Ponyboy. “Could I ask…” He yanked a hand through his hair. “Did you and Johnny…I mean, were you and him-”
“Spit it out, Soda,” Pony snapped. He couldn’t take any more waffling from his brother and the mention of Johnny got under his skin.
“Did you love him like I loved Sandy?”
Ponyboy froze. His eyes were wide like a frightened deer. Did you love him? And like any frightened deer, he bolted.
He threw open the bedroom door and sprinted through the hall. The gang tried to talk to him as he passed through the living room, but Ponyboy just kept running. The door slammed behind him, but all he could hear was his ragged breath and pounding heart. He needed to get out.
Did you love him?
Ponyboy’d seen headlines. Boys who kissed boys got killed. He’d seen photos of their bodies, bloody, dismembered, and knew he could never put a voice to the thoughts that sometimes darted through his head. If he did, his life would be over. Not just figuratively.
He didn’t know if Soda or Darry or any of the other boys would hurt him, would throw him out. He had no idea. Part of him hoped that his brothers wouldn’t care. A bigger part of him thought that Darry was as manly as you could get and men like him didn’t approve of boys like Ponyboy.
Johnny was different. They’d been able to talk about anything.
One night they’d been talking in the lot, lying on their backs and gazing at the stars. The words came easily to Pony then.
D’ya ever wish you could settle down with another guy instead of a girl?
He hadn’t feared Johnny’s reaction. Johnny was different. He didn’t judge. He’d gotten a thoughtful expression on his face, putting real effort into answering the question.
I dunno, I never thought about it before.
That was all Johnny had said. They hadn’t talked about it again until a few months later. The two of them were trading puffs on a cigarette on top of Dally’s car when Johnny spoke up.
I don’t think about settling down with guys, but I do sometimes think about it being just you and me.
Ponyboy smiled and blew smoke into the night air.
Me too.
Ponyboy ran until he couldn’t. He slowed to a stop in front of a park bench. He sat down heavily. At that moment, he felt like Atlas. Though he supposed Atlas’ burden was easier to carry, he kept the sky from falling. All Pony was doing was protecting himself.
He leaned forward on his knees and put his head in his hands. Tears fell onto the sidewalk below him. Each drop made a circular stain, he could imagine them as raindrops instead of tears.
What the hell was he going to do? Soda knew. He’d hedged it like he didn’t. But Soda knew.
Maybe Pony’d go to New York. He’d heard it was safer for people like him in bigger cities. At least he’d be more likely to find people who felt the same as him. Ponyboy sobbed, digging his hands into his hair. Tulsa was his home, it was all he ever knew. Despite its many flaws, he loved it. He didn’t want to leave. He wanted to stay with his brothers and his friends.
But when they found out about him, would they let him stay?
“Ponyboy!” He heard his name being shouted through the streets. His head snapped up. “Pony, come on, honey!” It was Soda. His voice was hoarse.
Pony’s first instinct was to hide. He’d always been good at hiding, even their dad struggled to find him during games of hide and seek. But before he could move, he heard his feet on the asphalt.
Down the road, he saw two figures running towards him. Darry and Soda. They saw him and they were coming towards him.
Pony half expected to be met with a wide swing or shouts of abuse. But instead, the footsteps slowed a few feet away. Neither came closer or tried to touch him. Ponyboy looked up. Darry and Sodapop were watching him nervously. Darry had his hands stuffed deep into his pockets. Soda looked like he was about to cry himself.
Pony stood up.
“Please don’t run,” Soda said, putting a hand out like you would to a spooked horse. “Please, honey, I just wanna talk.”
Pony looked between his brothers. His hackles were raised, he was poised to run. “So talk.”
Soda nodded. “Okay. I-I love you, Pone. It don’t matter to me that you…” He floundered for the right word to say. “That you might like a guy instead of a gal.” Soda’s eyes were so earnest and full of love and worry that Pony wanted to run to him and fall into his arms. But he didn’t. He couldn’t trust it, not yet.
Ponyboy looked at Darry. His oldest brother smiled a little, “I love you, baby. I love you more than anything and I-I might not understand how you feel, but it doesn’t matter.”
Pony wrapped his arms around himself, “I didn’t say I felt that way.”
“That’s okay too,” Soda jumped in quickly. He gave Ponyboy a reassuring smile and took a step forward. “Me and Dar, we don’t mind either way.”
Ponyboy swallowed thickly, “You swear?”
Soda stepped forward and took Pony’s hand in his. Soda’s hands were always warm. “I swear on mom and dad, on everything. I’m sorry I scared you.”
Then, Pony allowed himself to accept his brother’s comfort. He let Soda hold him and he felt Darry come up and wrap the two of them in his bigger arms. Pony sobbed, his legs all but giving out from under him. He’d been so goddamn scared. All of those feelings were leaving his body at once.
It took a long while for the tears to stop, Darry and Soda never loosened their grips on him. Eventually, he pulled back a little to wipe his tears. It seemed Darry and Soda had the same idea because they both pressed kisses to his head. Ponyboy chuckled.
The three of them sat side by side on the bench, Pony tucked safely in the middle. Pony jogged his leg for a moment as he thought of how to say what he wanted. “I didn’t love Johnny that way. But I…I think I would have gotten there eventually. And I think he would have too.”
Darry nodded thoughtfully, “Y’all would have been good together.”
Pony laughed wetly, “Yeah, I think so too.”
Soda nudged his shoulder, “And Curly?”
A light tint came to Pony’s cheeks. He scuffed his shoe on the ground. “I dunno. Maybe.” Despite his embarrassment, Pony was happy. It felt good to be teased about a boy instead of a girl. It felt warm. It felt like acceptance.
Darry sighed, “I guess I'm gonna have to do some reading. I think dad gave you the wrong birds and bees talk.”
Pony wanted to burst into flames right there on the bench. Darry laughed loudly and squeezed Pony in his side while ruffling his hair. “You’re jokin’ right?” Pony asked helplessly.
Darry raised his eyebrow, “Not a chance.”
Pony looked to Soda desperately, but Soda just joined in with the laughter. “Oh he’s serious, honey.”
Pony groaned loudly, collapsing dramatically against his brothers. The three of them laughed.
Later, as they were walking back home, Pony asked, “You ain’t gonna tell the rest of the gang, right?”
Darry shook his head quickly, “That’s for you to tell them.”
Soda looped an arm around him and leaned in close, “Between you and me, Steve won’t be bothered one bit.” Soda winked.
Pony didn’t know how afraid he was of rejection, not until he was received with open arms. He wished the same relief for Atlas, being able to let his burden go just for a little while. If only Atlas had someone like Darry and Sodapop Curtis.