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If someone were to ask, Buck could tell you the exact moment he realized he was in love with Eddie Diaz. But the question of when he fell in love with his best friend? Well, that’s not quite so simple.
Once Buck finally allowed himself to acknowledge that his love for Eddie went beyond platonic, it was as if he was seeing their shared history in a whole new light. Because if Buck was honest with himself, he had been slowly falling for Eddie from the day they met.
After they had only just met and Buck was being anything but welcoming to the new recruit, Eddie had told Buck “You can have my back any day.” Buck fell a little bit in love.
Not much later, Buck watched Eddie run to his son after a day spent worrying about the boy’s safety in the aftermath of an earthquake. As Eddie lifted Christopher into his arms, a soft smile adorned Buck’s face. Seeing a father love his son so wholeheartedly, in a way that he had spent his entire life longing to see from his own father, Buck fell a little more in love.
Perhaps the moment Buck came closest to understanding the true depth of his feelings was the night he threw himself to the ground and desperately dug at the mud beneath him to reach his best friend. This was the first time Buck was truly faced with the idea of losing Eddie and he couldn’t bear the thought of it. He couldn’t allow himself to imagine a world without Eddie in his life now that he knew how it felt to have him in it.
Then came a tsunami. What was one of the worst days of Buck’s life was followed by a moment he would never forget. His best friend showed up at his door, even as Buck was fully expecting the man to never forgive him, and reassured Buck with “There's nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you.” Somehow Eddie knew exactly what Buck needed to hear and made sure that he heard every word. And, well, how could Buck not fall hopelessly in love when looking into his best friend’s eyes and seeing the trust and love and care he’d been searching his whole life for reflected at him.
From lawsuits to forgiveness, gunshots to hospital confessions, lightning strikes to poker dates, Buck and Eddie’s relationship was tested over and over and they always got through it together. They always had each other’s backs. Through it all, Buck’s love for Eddie became so deeply ingrained into his life, into his very existence, that he never stopped to question it. Loving Eddie had become second nature. So when that fateful ‘oh’ moment came along, Buck was far from prepared.
Christopher had left for Texas two months earlier and since then Buck had spent every moment he could spare with Eddie. When they weren’t working, Buck was making Eddie dinner, taking him go-karting or bowling or hiking, checking in with him after therapy appointments to see if he needed a friend, and sometimes simply sitting by his side when Eddie couldn’t stand the thought of spending another night alone in his painfully silent house. Buck and Eddie had always spent a lot of time together, some might even say more than most friends do, but this was different. Eddie and Christopher were Buck’s family and he was going to do anything he could to help them both heal. Even if that meant spending so much time with his best friend, that Buck’s actual boyfriend inevitably dumped him. Sure it had hurt to experience his first breakup after discovering this part of himself, but Eddie and Christopher were always going to be his priority. In hindsight, it shouldn’t have come as much of a surprise when Eddie asked Buck to take the trip with him to pick up Chris after getting the phone call they’d spent the past two months waiting for.
“Hey Buck, where’d you go?” Buck blinked at Eddie and shook his head as if it would make sense of the thoughts racing through his head. “Sorry. I, uh, I’m listening.”
Eddie’s head was tilted to the side and his beautiful brown eyes squinted slightly - his signature thinking face, of which Buck was on the receiving end often - and Buck was so overwhelmed with love for this man that he suddenly thought he’d forgotten how to breathe. The two sat in silence for a few moments, all while Buck avoided looking into his best friend’s eyes. Eventually, Eddie must’ve decided not to question Buck further because he picked up the conversation where they’d left off instead, “So I was thinking we could leave on Friday? I already talked to Bobby and he said we could have the time off. I think a week should be good and with the timing, we’d only have to miss a couple of shifts.”
“Um-yeah. That sounds great Eds.” Buck lets out a deep breath and finally looks up to meet the other man’s eyes, “And thanks for asking me to come along. It means a lot.”
“Really Buck? You do not need to thank me. You’re my best friend. There’s nobody else I’d rather have by my side.”
Buck blinks back tears. After everything they’ve been through it almost seems too simple, too mundane, for this to be the moment that changes the course of their relationship. But then again, Buck thinks that it also feels so right. Here sat side by side on Eddie’s couch in the place that always feels most like home to Buck.
“Buck, are you sure you’re okay? You know you can tell me anything. I’ll understand if asking you to do this is too much. I know it’s last minute.”
“No, no it's not that. Of course I want to be by your side for this. It’s just-” Buck hesitates, unsure of what he can say without lying while also not revealing too much of his newfound feelings. He doesn’t know if that’s possible anymore. Now that he knows what he feels -what he’s always felt- is love, Buck doesn’t know how to be honest with his best friend without crossing that line. “It’s just that sometimes I still find it difficult to believe that you want me around for these moments. I’ve been searching for a family of my own for so long and you just allow me to be a part of yours without hesitation. I guess it’s a bit overwhelming sometimes, feeling like I belong but knowing that it won’t be like this forever.”
“What do you mean it won’t be like this forever? I’m always going to want you around Buck and I know Christopher feels the same. You are part of our family and that will never change. At least not if I can help it.”
Buck sighs and finds it all the more difficult to hold back the tears he’s been fighting. Buck knows Eddie means it. Eddie has always given Buck the truth when he needs it the most. This time, though, Buck’s heart breaks a little. The words are so close to what Buck has always longed to hear, yet there’s still a part of him that wants more. Perhaps, it’s Buck’s turn to give Eddie the truth, to give Eddie all of him and trust that he’ll take care of him the way Eddie always has.
Buck turns on the couch to face Eddie fully and meets the other man’s eyes. “I know you mean that and that you guys want me around now, but how can you know that won’t change? What happens when you’re in a relationship and your partner wants to be the one by your side? I just don’t think there will be a place for me then, at least not in the way I want.”
Buck hears Eddie’s sharp inhale of breath. He’s terrified that he’s revealed too much, that he’s just ruined the best friendship he’s ever had. The confidence he felt only moments ago is replaced with panic. He leaps from the couch and beelines to the front door in hopes of escaping before Eddie finds the words to reject him. Buck knows Eddie will be kind about it, they’re still best friends after all, but Buck doesn’t think he has the strength to have his heart shattered at that moment. Not when his feelings are still so raw. He wanted to be brave, but now he wishes he had let himself live in the fantasy for just a little longer. At least then he’d still have hope.
Just as Buck reaches for the door, he feels a hand grab his wrist. Softly, in a voice with a gentleness Buck has only heard directed at him a few other times, Eddie calls after him. “Buck stop. Just look at me, please.”
Buck’s heart is beating so fast that under any other circumstances he might be concerned, but he decides that he has to face this. He has to face Eddie. If he walked out this door now, he would never forgive himself. With every bit of strength he can muster, Buck turns to face Eddie. Eddie’s hand doesn’t let go of Buck as he slides it down to take Buck’s hand into his own.
“Evan, if what you want is to be by my side forever then that place is yours. It may have taken me a long time to realize it, but there’s no doubt in my mind that I’m in love with you. I don’t want a future where you’re not in my life, even if you decide you want to go on pretending this conversation never happened. I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give, but you deserve to know that you’re loved and there will always be a place for you in this family.”
Buck doesn’t even realize he’s started crying until Eddie gently wipes the tears from under his eyes. “Eddie,” Buck can’t help the grin that takes over his face, “In case it wasn’t obvious, I’m absolutely in love with you too.”
Buck will never forget the look on the face of the man he loves at that moment. Seeing that smile makes Buck think that all the pain and heartbreak it took to get to this point was worth it. Being the one to put that smile on Eddie’s face might be Buck’s new favorite thing. Well, at least until Eddie leans forward and Buck gets to know how it feels to have that smile pressed against his own.