Chapter Text
"I swear to God, Harry, if you don't stop messing up these lines, I'll..." Louis's voice trailed off as he threw his hands up in frustration. The studio was a pressure cooker, and Harry felt like he was about to crack. He stared at the lyrics on the stand, his vision blurring.
The days leading up to the New York show had been a blur of exhaustion and pain. Harry's secret had become his shadow, following him everywhere he went. The cutting had started as a way to cope with the pain of rejection, but now it was a compulsion, a silent scream that no one could hear. The studio lights were too bright, highlighting the dark circles under his eyes, a stark contrast to his pale skin.
"Come on, Harry, just one more take," the producer urged, his voice filled with impatience. Harry took a deep breath, trying to ignore the way his stomach growled. He hadn't eaten in days, his only sustenance coming from the occasional sip of water. The tweets had gotten worse, the fans more demanding, and the band more distant.
When they finally finished, Harry stumbled off the stage, his legs shaking. He hadn't realized how much his self-imposed starvation had taken out of him until he was standing in the dimly lit hallway, the cool air of the air conditioning making him shiver. He leaned against the wall, feeling the chill seep into his bones. It was the only thing that felt real anymore.
Liam spotted him first, a concerned look crossing his face. "Mate, you okay?" Harry forced a smile, not meeting his eyes. "Yeah, just tired.The lie felt thick on his tongue, but he had become an expert at hiding his true feelings. Niall and Zayn exchanged a worried glance but said nothing, both knowing better than to push him.
As they piled onto the bus, Harry retreated to his bunk, the curtain drawn tight. The fabric was warm against his skin, a stark contrast to the coldness he felt inside. He pulled out his notebook, the pages filled with his pain and despair. He had started writing down his thoughts to keep track of his descent, but now it felt like a prison diary, a chronicle of his own destruction.
"What's up, Harry?" Niall asked tentatively, peeking into the bunk. Harry didn't look up, just nodded. "Nothing much, just writing some lyrics." The lie rolled off his tongue easily now. Niall lingered for a moment before leaving harry to write.
Once the bus was quiet, Harry made his decision. He slipped out of the bunk, his bare feet cold against the floor. He grabbed his notebook and his phone, just in case. "Imma go for a night stroll, need some fresh air," Harry whispered to the sleeping form of Niall. Niall mumbled something unintelligible, so Harry took it as permission.
The cool night air hit him like a slap in the face as he stepped off the bus. He took a deep breath,.
"Ahh, fresh air," Harry murmured to himself, feeling the breeze ruffle his hair. The glow from the street lamps cast long shadows that danced alongside him as he stumbled through the quiet streets of LA. His notebook was clutched tightly in his hand, the pages fluttering with every step he took. He wondered not even bothering to look we he was going at this point he just needed to get away from everything, even if it was just for a little bit.
Back on the bus, Louis stirred in his sleep, rolling over to grab his phone to check the time. His eyes snapped open when he saw Harry's empty bunk. "What the hell?" he mumbled, sitting up. He nudged Niall and Zayn, who were both dozing off. "Wake up, lads, Harry's gone."
Liam shot up, rubbing his eyes. "What do you mean, gone?"
"Just what I said," Louis retorted, his voice edged with concern. "His bunk's empty, and he's not in the bathroom."
Niall sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Maybe he went to grab something to eat?" he suggested, hopefulness in his voice.
Zayn didn't look convinced. "He said he wasn't hungry," he murmured, his brow furrowed.
"Well, we can't just sit here," Liam said, throwing the covers off his bunk. "We need to find him."
They all scoured the bus, checking every nook and cranny, but Harry was nowhere to be found. Panic began to set in, their hearts racing as they realized the gravity of the situation.Louis called and called harry but it went straight to voicemail.
.
"Yo, Harry, where the hell are you?" Louis's voice blared through the phone, cutting through the serene silence of the night. Harry's heart skipped a beat, his hand shaking as he brought the phone to his ear. "I'm just out... getting some air," he replied, trying to sound casual.
"Out? What do you mean out? It's almost midnight!" The concern in Louis's voice was palpable, even through the static of the line. "I'm fine, honestly," Harry insisted, his eyes scanning the darkened street. "I just needed to clear my head."
"Look, Haz, just come back, yeah?" Niall's voice was tired but genuine. "We're all here, waiting for you."he hands Louis his phone back.
"Seriously, Harry, get your arse back here," Louis said into the phone, his eyes flicking to the clock on the wall. "We're gonna start worrying if you don't."
"I'm just chilling, Tommo," Harry's voice sounded strained, even over the crackling line. "I'll be back soon, I promise."
"Don't call me Tommo," Louis snapped, his frustration reaching through the phone. "Look, Harry, just come back, yeah? We're all here on the sofa waiting for you."
"Yeah, Harry, it's like you're ignoring us or something," Liam chimed in, his voice thick with sleep.
"I'm not ignoring you, I just... I'll be right back, okay?" Harry's voice was small, but he knew they couldn't hear the tremble in it as he ends the call
He slid the phone back into his pocket and took a deep breath. The walk had done him no good; he was still a mess. But the thought of facing them all, especially Louis, was too much. He just couldn't do it.
When Harry finally walked back into the bus, the boys were all sitting on the sofa, looking at him with a mix of confusion and concern. "Where you been, Haz?" Niall asked, yawning.
"Nowhere special," Harry shrugged, trying to play it cool. But his cheeks were flushed and his eyes were bloodshot.
"You've been gone ages, Harry," Liam said, stretching out his arms. "What's been up?"
"Yeah, man, we were starting to think you'd gone MIA," Zayn added, his voice heavy with sleep.
"Chill, I'm just out for a breather, you know?" Harry mumbled, trying to sound nonchalant as he flopped down onto the couch beside them. His stomach grumbled loudly, betraying his lie.
"Since when do you go out for air in late at night ?" Niall said, raising an eyebrow. "You've been acting weird, Harry."
"Weird?" Harry echoed, trying to play it off with a chuckle. "What are you on about?"
"Don't play dumb with us, Harry," Zayn said, his eyes narrowing. "You've been off your game for weeks, and it's starting to show."
"What? I'm fine," Harry protested, his voice sounding weaker than he intended. "Just a bit tired, that's all."
"Tired, my arse," Liam said, his eyes scanning Harry's frail body. "You're skinnier than a twig, mate."
"Come on, guys, drop it," Harry muttered, trying to shrink into the couch cushions.
"But Harry, you're barely eating anything and you're always so tired," Niall said, his eyes filled with concern.
"I said I'm fine, Niall," Harry snapped, his voice cracking. "Drop it, okay? If you don't mind I'm going to try to sleep because I feel like getting run over by a bus right now".
Niall's eyes widened, and Zayn and Liam exchanged a look of disbelief. "What the hell, Harry?" Zayn said, sitting up straighter. "You can't just say stuff like that."
"Yeah, mate, that's not cool," Liam added, his voice softer.
"Whatever," Harry mumbled, pushing himself up from the couch. His legs felt like jelly as he stumbled down the narrow aisle to his bunk. The curtains were already drawn, a silent barricade between him and the world. He didn't bother to hide his face as the tears began to fall, his shoulders shaking with the effort of holding in the sobs.
The rest of the boys exchanged uncomfortable glances before, one by one, they slipped back into their bunks..
Harry managed to avoid confrontation for 3 days so far, thanks to Louis being glued to his phone with Elenor on the other end. Niall had his nose buried in his guitar, perfecting new riffs, while Liam and Zayn were inseparable, their eyes glued to the Xbox screen. It was like they had their own little bubble of happiness that Harry couldn't penetrate.The bust cake to a stop he heard the boys talking about getting food and though thed all gon out.
He wished someone could love him they way Liam and zayn loved each other The show in New York was in two days, and the tension was thick enough to cut with a knife. Harry was feeling the pressure, his mind racing, his heart pounding. He retreated to the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He needed a shower to clear his head, to wash away the stench of failure that clung to him like a toxic cloud. The hot water sprayed over his body, the steam fogging up the mirror. He grabbed a towel and his trusty blade from its hiding spot, the cold metal a stark contrast to the heat of the room. He took a deep breath, bracing himself for the pain that was about to come.
"One for being worthless"
"Oke for being annoying"
"One for being fat"
"Oke for".."
The door busted open and there was Zayn looking at Harry in shock "What the fuck Harry?" his eyes wide with horror as he took in the scene before him. Harry froze, the blade hovering over his skin, his heart racing. "You can't just barge in here, man!" Harry yelled, trying to cover his arms.
"What the hell are you doing to yourself?" Zayn's voice was a mix of anger and fear. Harry could see the concern etched on his friend's face, but he didn't want to hear it. Not now. Not ever.
"It's none of your business, Zayn, just get out!" Harry's voice was shaky, but he tried to sound tough. He didn't want the others to know his darkest secret, the one that had been eating away at him like a parasite.
"You can't keep doing this to yourself, Harry," Zayn said, his voice low and serious. "You're better than this. We're all worried about you, mate."
"I said it's none of your business!" Harry yelled, his eyes flashing. He knew Zayn was just trying to help, but he didn't want help. He didn't deserve it.
"But Harry, you're hurting yourself, man. That's not cool," Zayn said, his voice steady. Harry felt his resolve wavering, but he couldn't let his guard down.
"Yeah, I know, but it's all I've got, Zayn. It's the only thing that makes me feel... alive," Harry whispered, his eyes avoiding Zayn's gaze. The water continued to pound against the shower floor, the sound echoing in the tense silence.
"You've got us, Harry. And you've got to eat, man. You're wasting away to nothing, Liam was right your skin and bones"Zayn said, his voice filled with frustration and worry. Harry knew he was right, but the voice in his head was louder, telling him he didn't deserve to eat, didn't deserve to be happy.
"But the tweets, they say I'm fat, that I'm ruining the band, that everyone hates me," Harry murmured, his eyes filling with tears.
"Who cares what some randoms on Twitter say?" Zayn shot back. "You're not fat, Harry, and you're not ruining anything. You're our bro, and we love you, no matter what. And if anyone in the band thinks differently, they can deal with me, yeah?"
"But it's not just them, Zayn. It's... it's everything. And now Louis is always with Elenor, and I just... I feel like I've lost everyone," Harry choked out, his voice breaking.
"Mate, don't say that. We're here for you, you know?" Zayn's eyes searched Harry's, desperate to break through the barrier of despair. "You're not on your own in this, Harry. We're a band, a family. We stick together, through thick and thin, remember?"
"But it's like you guys don't even care anymore," Harry mumbled, his voice barely above a whisper.
"Care about what?" Zayn looked confused.
"Everything, man. Everything!" Harry's voice was a hoarse whisper, the water from the shower mixing with his tears. "I feel like I'm invisible. Like I don't matter to anyone anymore."
Zayn took a step closer, his eyes never leaving Harry's. "You matter to me, Harry. And I know Niall and Liam feel the same way. We just... we didn't know what was going on, okay? You've gotta talk to us, mate. You can't just keep all this shit bottled up inside you."
"But what if talking doesn't make it go away?" Harry whispered, his hands shaking as he wrapped the towel around himself.
"It won't go away overnight, but it's a start, Haz," Zayn said, his eyes never leaving Harry's. "You gotta let us help you, man. We're all worried sick about you, and we're not gonna let you go through this alone. Promise me you'll try, yeah?"
"Okay, okay, I'll try," Harry sniffed, feeling a tiny glimmer of hope. Maybe, just maybe, things could get better.
Zayn nodded, a hint of relief in his eyes. "Good. Now, let's get you dressed and into bed. You're freezing, mate, and you need to rest before the show tomorrow night."
"But what about... what about the other guys?" Harry asked, his teeth chattering.
"Don't worry about them right now, Harry. We'll sort it out. Just focus on getting better, yeah?" Zayn said, his voice firm but gentle.
"But, Zayn, they're gonna think I'm a freak," Harry said, his voice trembling.
"They're not gonna think that, Harry. They're gonna be worried, and they're gonna want to help, " Zayn assured him, his arms outstretched in a comforting gesture.
"Please we not tell Louis, I don't want him pitying me"
Zayn nodded solemnly, understanding the unspoken rule. Harry didn't want to burden Louis with his problems, especially after the way he'd been acting. "I get it, Haz, but we gotta tell someone, you know? You can't keep this up."
Niall opened the bus door seeing zayn half out the bathroom half in out"What's going on?" he mumbled his mouth full with food walking towards the back of the bus.
"Harry here, is not okay," Zayn's voice was serious as he nodded towards the bathroom.
"What's up with him?" Niall swallowed his mouthful, his eyes wide with concern.
Zayn shuts the bathroom door leaving harry to get dressed.
"He's cutting, Niall," Zayn said, his voice low and serious. "He's lost it, man. And he's barely eating anything. We can't just ignore it."
Niall's eyes went wide. "What? No way, Harry wouldn't do that."
"I saw it with my own eyes, Niall," Zayn said, his voice tight. "He's in a bad place, man."
Niall's eyes filled with horror. "Bloody hell, what do we do?"
"First, we gotta keep an eye on him," Zayn said, his mind racing. "Make sure he doesn't go off on his own again,I mean he did say when he came back last time that he wanted to throw himself in front of the bus there's no telling what he might do if he's going out alone in a state like that".
"Yeah, you're right," Niall nodded, his eyes dark with worry. "But we can't just spy on him 24/7, man. He's gonna need more than just us watching over him."
Where's the other boys? Zayn says, his eyes darting around the bus like a hawk searching for prey. Niall looks up from his phone, munching on some chips. "Oh Louis went to the grocery store with Liam I didn't want to do I came back" Niall spits out
Zayn nods "good I don't want them knowing especially Louis, harry would kill me if he ever knew".
Niall frowns "But we gotta tell someone, he can't keep doing this to himself, it's not right, like he's going to end up in hospital or something, we need to get him help Zayn"
Harry opens the bathroom door "I don't need help okay!, I promised to try and stop cutting and get better but I'll only do it if this stays between us"
Niall nods looking at Zayn who sighs in relief "Okay Harry, but if you don't stop cutting I'm going to tell someone".
"You do that, Niall, and I swear I'll never speak to you again," Harry says, his voice shaking but firm.
"But Harry, it's not cool, you're scaring us, but okay I won't tell just please try and stop,yeah" Niall says, his eyes filled with genuine concern.
Harry sighs"like I promised zayn,I'll try now leave me be,I need a smoke before Louis and Liam get back and we start driving again".
Niall nods "Okay Harry, but you know where we stand,right?"
"Yeah, I know," Harry says, his eyes downcast. "But I'll be okay, I promise."
"Look, Harry, we just want what's best for ya," Niall says, his Irish lilt thick with worry. "We're here for you, no matter what, okay?"
"I know, Niall," Harry whispers, his eyes red-rimmed and tired. "But I can handle it."
He walked away grabbing a pack of fags and a lighter leaving them to talk amongst themselves shutting the bus door behind him pulling out a cigarette with shaking hands lighting it up taking a deep drag he tries to calm his nerves. He could feel their eyes on him through the glass window like a bunch of hawks waiting for their next meal. Harry leans against the bus, the cool metal sending shivers down his spine but it was better than the heat from the shower. He takes another drag, the smoke escaping his mouth in a sigh.
Part 1 complete what do you guys think?
I hope you all are okay
Are you eating well?
Did you have anything to drink today?
Is anything bothering you?
Don't be afraid to ask for help,
I'm always her for you lovelies
You are beautiful