Archive of Our Own

The first time Jisung met Chenle, all the stars in the sky disappeared.

It was scientifically incorrect to make that statement, the world was spinning as it normally did and it would have been impossible if the stars had really disappeared, but Jisung remembers it as something shocking, not as much as the total loss of control of the solar system nor the approaching end of the world, but his world was shaken so much that that night marked a before and after in his life.

In a not-so-crowded bar, Jisung found the courage to open the journal he was holding in his hands, doubting whether he wanted to know its content. He hadn't written anything important at least not enough to destabilize himself again, but the simple act of opening it meant going back to the past, and he didn't like that at all.

Letting out a sigh, he opened the journal and frowned when he saw the horrible handwriting.

The date was September 6, 2016, and from what he understood written there, he complained about his mother's gift: the journal he held in his hands. A valid complaint because he had nothing to write and his mother knew it, but a pang in his heart made him want to close it and throw it out the window; he didn't change much since then, he still didn't have anything to write.

The next entry was from a few months later, in 2017, a choked sigh left his lips when he remembered running away from home. Yes, it was not the best decision and at least he recognized it as a teenager, the change with the previous entry was significant now that he thought about it, the last paragraph expressed his desire to do great things, his conviction that he could be in a better place if he recovered. Poor, naive 2017 Jisung.

The cruel reality came to him a month before the end of that year, the conviction of going far didn't match his lifestyle at that time, the discouragement was so huge that he also gave up on even writing his thoughts on those sheets.

Shortly after his birthday in 2018, he wrote again, and Jisung smiled a little at his constant changes of mind, but the smile faded as soon as he saw the note. He couldn't get halfway through, a lump in his throat asked him not to continue reading after seeing how since then he was desperate to feel something other than sadness and loneliness. Nothing had changed since then, his innocent wish for a star to escape from the sky and be next to him was not fulfilled, as expected.

When he closed the journal, a knock next to him unfocused him, paying now attention to his surroundings and leaving the notebook in his backpack.

Next to him, a boy had just crashed his head against the bar counter, the silence that usually adorned two strangers was interrupted by the blonde, who seemed to murmur claim after claim to himself, Jisung observed discreetly, watching as the bartender left the stranger's drink near his hand and walked away, leaving them alone with each other's complaints.

“I need some advice,” the guy suddenly said, finally raising his head.

Jisung sat up straight in his spot and turned his gaze to his own drink, a carbonated lemonade that was too tart for his taste. When he felt someone else's gaze, he knew the words had been directed at him.

“Can I help you with something?” Jisung asks in barely a whisper, and he instantly hates himself for taking so long to respond.

The blonde turns completely towards him, blinking a few times as if he was surprised.

“I am consciously about to make a bad decision, but I think I need a totally external opinion to see future consequences.”

Jisung was too sober for those kind of conversations and the other was too drunk for them.

He sighed, hanging his head.

“I don't think anyone who has alcohol in their hand should make decisions,” Jisung answered honestly, taking the opportunity to take a sip of his lemonade. He wrinkled his nose at the taste.

When he looked at the stranger, he expected to find some expression of displeasure at his comment, and his surprise was great to see that it was quite the opposite. The boy smiled in amazement, it seemed like he forgot all his internal debate and began to talk about one topic and another, asking the black-haired boy his zodiac sign in the between his rants, without either of them having introduced themselves yet.

Time flew by without Jisung realizing it, busy remembering what was wrong with being an aquarius according to the stranger and all the other words he slurred. At some point, he was about to get his birth chart read, but he decided to leave that for another time and finally asked who the blonde was.

Zhong Chenle, Scorpio, great resistance to alcohol.

Chenle was incredible at explaining things, even though he rambled on some occasions and his conclusions on the topics were lost between giggles, which Jisung didn't mind, because every little detail about him was more fascinating than the last, and he couldn't help but feeling dazzled by Chenle's gestures when explaining and telling funny stories; he always picked up the thread again, luckily, although on several occasions it was minutes later.

Jisung preferred to listen most of the time, mainly because he never had anything to contribute to conversations, but it was also a delight for him to listen to others, especially if they had a talent for speaking like Chenle. On one occasion Jisung made a comment about the stars, to continue with the topic, and mentioned reading an article on the internet about them, which he didn't trust very much but it sparked his interest.

“The stars shine better in autumn or winter,” Chenle declared after taking a sip of his drink, a small smile on his lips. “I don't know how correct that information is, but if our sources are internet articles, then I will make one that is 97% true.”

“And where do you leave the remaining percentage?” Jisung asked with a smile.

Chenle raised his eyebrows, as if he had been challenged.

“It's the margin of error I allow myself to have, it's just in case I don't finish it. I am 100% sure,” he continued, tilting his head. “During the summer, the sky is clearer, obviously the stars are more visible, but I'm talking about when they shine brighter. See them close. Feel them close.”

At those words, Jisung nodded, taking a moment to discreetly look out one of the windows in the naive hope of seeing a star peeking out; instead, he was greeted by a view obstructed by buildings and rotating signs promoting skin care creams. His shoulders slumped with obvious disappointment at not being able to observe the sky.

“I'll call you in the winter to tell you the results,” Jisung proposed absently, checking the time on his cell phone.

The clock read 00:34 and, as expected, there was not a single trace of fatigue despite having had an exhausting day. A bit of his energy recharged when Chenle appeared. 

“We have to do it together” and it was not a suggestion from Chenle, it was an order. “Starting now.”

The next thing wasn't difficult to process: the bill was paid in the blink of an eye, the stools were empty, and Jisung was dragged through the side doors of the bar.

The cool night breeze against his face woke him up more, breaking him out of the trance he had been in for seconds since the other took his arm.

After blinking a couple of times, he glanced at Chenle, finding the precise moment in which his eyes lost the glimpse of emotion as his vision wandered across the sky. Jisung imitated the action, and it was no surprise when he saw a scene similar to the one he saw before: buildings blocking the view, almost becoming a roof above them, and advertisements for useless products that he would surely buy at some point in his life.

They weren't going to find a single star, at least not so easily.

“Maybe on the other street…”

Nodding without listening to the rest of the idea, Chenle pulled on his jacket to take him to the end of the street, one that headed downtown.

In appearance, the street was not filled with skyscrapers obstructing the view, at least not directly. However, luck was not on their side.

“Damn light pollution,” Chenle growled, clenching his fists, his eyes falling in fresh disappointment.

The city lights shone as always, like all cities today: a city that never sleeps with its lamps illuminating every corner of the streets. Personally, Jisung never found the gradual increase in screens in the city a problem, especially as a person who went to convenience stores at odd hours of the night, he liked that his path in the late night was illuminated. However, after that night he had a different perspective when he saw how all those lights dispersed into the sky and created a type of luminous halo, which decreased the darkness in the sky, and, consequently, made it difficult to see the stars.

If anything, the only thing he could admire that night was an immense orange cloud above them, which he had never paid attention to before.

Narrowing his eyes and standing on his tiptoes, as if that would bring him closer to the sky, Jisung set out to find a small light in the sky and show it to Chenle.

No matter how many streets they passed or how many buildings Chenle wanted to break into to go up to the roof and look for stars, from the downtown of the city it was impossible to find any.

If they wanted to check the veracity of Chenle's words to support their own belief, the only option was to move away from the city to have a sky free of lights, large buildings and promotional displays.

Chenle convinced himself that the first step was comparison.

“Winter is six months away,” Jisung reminded on the way back to the bar.

For a moment, he forgot the street they were originally on, and his house was closer to where they were than the bar, but his car was waiting for him in the parking lot.

“Don't you think you can put up with me until then?” Chenle asked with feign sadness. “If I am to much to handle…”

“I don't think you have that much patience,” Jisung confessed, putting his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

Chenle swayed from side to side on the sidewalk, nodding with a sly smile.

“I'm not known for finishing things I start,” he admitted with a shrug. “But it seems like you do, so we would be a good team, don't you think?” he asked, tilting his head to look at Jisung, who already had one of his hands out of his pocket to react in case Chenle lost his balance. “I have the knowledge, you have the patience. Next March… No, wait, your birthday is in February… Next February we could be writing an article that is in 24th place in searches about the best days of the year to see stars.”

Chenle talked a lot, his tongue became loose with the alcohol but something indicated that this was naturally the case, and Jisung noticed that he calmed down after walking in search of the stars. These words, at that moment, were pure excitement.

A research plan didn't start like that, but it wasn't something formal that they had to present to experts, if anything it was posting something on the internet that, surely, no one would read because no one gets past the first ten results of an online search unless they were bored. Nobody wanted an article with zero scientific support and one hundred percent experience, it was just a good hobby to keep their mind occupied and take the time to get to know each other, under a, hopefully, starry sky.

There was more to gain than to lose, Jisung just needed a little company and Chenle a little adventure.

“Make it number 22 and I'm in.”

Chenle's huge smile caught Jisung in that moment.

His eyes reflected excitement for what awaited them, and that night it felt like it was the plan they had both been waiting their entire lives to put into action instead of an improvised plan in a bar. And it wasn't a problem, at the end of the day, Jisung decided it was worth it because of Chenle's smile.

That night, Jisung did two things he never thought to do before: put a stranger in his car to drive around half the city and make plans for the future.

The first one, had him excited on the way back home, smiling discreetly.

The second thing was something that made his chest feel heavy and he promised himself not to do it again.

When the clock struck 4:39 in the morning, Jisung remembered the small journal he was flipping through earlier at the bar and decided he finally found something to fill the blank pages.

After doing so and being on his phone for a while longer, he fell asleep with the device on his chest and seven different tabs open in his browser. All related to each other, in some way.

The first one was his complete birth chart, which he took a screenshot to later send to Chenle. Derived from that, Jisung was forced to read superficially what it was like to be an aquarius sun, and e was taken aback by the accuracy in that description.

Maybe he was someone easy to impress, he thought for a moment, but that didn't stop him from continuing his research.

In another tab, he looked up what it meant to be a Scorpio and Sagittarius cusp. And he was delighted to have the embodiment of it after that night, just as he made a mental note to, in the future, look into compatibility with Aquarius despite not having understood half of what he read.

No doubt the next day he would look up his friends' zodiac signs as well.

And in the last tab, he decided to get serious and look for what would happen in a world without stars, because after that night, he was convinced that they all abandoned the sky to make fun of Chenle and him.

He slept with a vague idea of ​​what it would mean if there were no stars in the sky, but he concluded that he had to find them first.

First Night: 06/01

I met someone today. His name is Chenle, he's a Scorpio and we're starting a research.

I don't know what a scorpio is and why there's a problem with me being an aquarius, but we clicked well! He was a little bit drunk but he got sober over the night and he listened to me talk about the stars.

The research is about what's the season stars shine the most. He bets on winter, so we're stargazing until my next birthday.

I'll be writing down all of this cause I'm excited, maybe we can be friends.

07/19

I don't like your handwriting.

   -ZCL.

This wasn't for you to see!

06/02

I need prescription glasses. I mistook the moon for a restaurant sign and Chenle kindly let me know (after laughing for five minutes)

The next time we'll go out of the city, as far away from the light pollution as we can so we'll have a better experience. I don't think looking for a nice place would be that hard.

07/19

It was so damn hard to find a place.

And you look good with glasses ;)

   -ZCL.

Searching for stars involved more than just looking up at the sky and being lucky to see them.

For years, Jisung did not stop a single night to look at the sky and admire it. The vague memories he has of seeing the stars were from when his aunt took him to the cabins outside the city, where she once pointed out a star that shone bright enough to light up the eyes of little Jisung, who made a wish after the star. 

Maybe only the star he made the wish on remained in his mind, but he was sure there were more hanging in the sky that night. He then decided, the place they were looking for was on the way to the mountains, outside the city.

They had to look for a place where the pollution would not reach them, which was one of their biggest obstacles to face.

As soon as Jisung received a text from the contact number listed as “Colleague”, the details of the pseudo investigation began, which quickly diverted to other topics such as getting to know each other, since Chenle proposed knowing who they were working with. But the first thing they agreed on was that they had to meet for the first step: finding the right location.

It was difficult to find it, mainly because both of their schedules were tight.

Chenle was an accounting student with an internship at a financial advisory company, which consumed much of his time due to the effort of completing each small assignment that was given to him, in addition to completing his classes in the afternoon, starting projects that, indeed, he did not plan to finish and some family issues that he did not detail much.

On his side, Jisung was a mechanical engineering student whose time was used to maintain his status as an exemplary student, in addition to language classes and sports; also making honorable mention that he had two friends who required his constant attention or they withered without him (their own words, not his).

In the midst of routines that didn't seem accessible to create a little space for the other, they found a small crack and inserted themselves in it.

A month and a half after their first face-to-face meeting and countless texts shared, they were finally able to meet on a Saturday afternoon to find the location where they would study stargaze. It was then that Jisung shared his idea of ​​going to the mountains and they set off in the car.

“Did any of them come true for you?” Chenle asked after hearing how Jisung was a believer in wishing on the stars. In the rearview mirror he saw how they left the city behind, while in front there was a little-traveled road that was the complete opposite of civilization; the further uphill they went, the freer the atmosphere felt.

“I guess not,” Jisung replied.

Chenle nodded while asking permission to turn up the volume of the car radio, to which Jisung nodded absently, thinking about one of his wishes.

If one had been fulfilled, he would probably have remembered and treasured it without needing someone to remind him. For a moment, his mind was stuck on whether his wishes had been so impossible to achieve.

The only thing that brought him back to reality was Chenle murmuring the lyrics of the song that was playing on the radio, and that made him take a breath. He didn't like to think about the past, it was better to stay in the present.

A lump always formed in his throat when he spent too much time locked in his mind, a memory of the lonely and fear-filled nights he spent as a teenager. The hardest part, after all, was getting himself together and remembering that he wasn't there anymore.

In the present, he was in a car on the outskirts of the city, with the windows down and nice music playing in the background. And he had company. Chenle was there.

Thinking that it could be a recurring activity put a smile on his face, as he stole a glance at the boy who was now close to shouting at the top of his lungs a song that Jisung didn't recognize.

There was no set course, nor a well-studied or scientifically useful position intended for this occasion, but he supposed their teamwork was about him behind the wheel and Chenle sticking his head out the window, pleased with the wind blowing in his face and the view of the city to the side.

Just thirty-six minutes later, Chenle jumped in his seat, excited, pointing in front of them and almost leaning against the dashboard of the car.

"There! That seems like our ideal place.”

Without questioning it, Jisung pulled over carefully, despite there being no cars nearby, and took a look when they finally stopped, understanding why Chenle chose the spot.

When they both got out of the car, a cool breeze greeted them again and Jisung closed his eyes, remembering the first night they met. At the side of the road, conveniently, there was a huge rock that overlooked the edge of a cliff, and when they looked down they could see the lights of the city from which they practically fled away, and when they raised their heads, they were welcomed by sky more starry than the other night.

Jisung opened his eyes and turned to look at his companion, who was already installing himself on the rock, determined to turn his back on the city; he hugged his knees and let himself be captivated by the sky, to which his face shone under the light of the moon and the stars, but what stood out most was that sparkle in his eyes because of what he witnessed, a shine that stole Jisung's breath.

Silently, he followed the blonde's steps and climbed onto the rock, adopting the same position as Chenle, forgetting about the city and focusing on his object of study: the sky above them that contained thousands of stars that night.

It wasn't as orange a sky as the one they witnessed in the city, it looked darker than Jisung had ever seen from his balcony, and it certainly looked clearer.

The sky full of little flashing dots in the distance, all of different sizes and scattered in every possible corner in the sky, it was a sight impossible to forget.

“I don't remember ever seeing the sky like that,” Jisung commented almost in a whisper, still amazed.

“You must be a quite the city boy,” Chenle mocked, bumping shoulders with him, a smile that Jisung couldn't see was plastered on his lips. “And to think it could get better,” he whispered excitedly.

There were chances that, indeed, the sky and the stars would captivate them more as time went by, with their clear objective being winter.

Little adventures like these were the ones he dreamed of as a teenager, just driving away from all the noise and familiar places that hold more bad memories than good ones; it was moments like this that his mother once hoped he would write in the journal, and it was then when an idea crossed his mind.

He asked Chenle to wait as he went back to the car, where he reached into the back seat for his backpack and pulled out the journal. Decisively, he searched for some tape as well, sticking the first few pages to the cover of the journal, leaving only the first note he made when he met Chenle as the new start for the journal. Perhaps the notebook had more potential for this than for writing down his feelings.

He knew the tape on the first pages wouldn't last forever, but he hoped it could hide his past for a couple of months until winter came.

He soon returned to the rock with the journal in his hands, which caught Chenle's attention.

A hard cover that contained a small drawing that Chenle recognized instantly, a drawing of the little prince leaving his planet, his rose, while flying tied to some pigeons, with the starry sky in the background.

It was a blank notebook, with stacks of pages ready to be filled.

“It's for taking notes,” Jisung informed with a smile. “How are we going to compare the stars if we don't have notes?”

Chenle smiled, looking away from Jisung to return his gaze to the starry sky, letting out a sigh and not wasting a second before taking the journal in his hands while Jisung searched for a pen. He rested the notebook on one of his knees, accepted the pen, and began writing while Jisung counted stars.

Jisung felt a nudge on his ribs that made him turn to look at Chenle after a few minutes, who returned the journal to its owner. Without waiting any longer, he looked at the sky again while Jisung flipped through the pages.

07/19

Thousands of stars fill the sky, and they look beautiful shining in the distance, looking unreachable, but I stick to my hypothesis that they will shine brighter as winter approaches.

I want to feel like I'm nothing away from touching them if I get up on this rock; for now they are away, but I know they will come to us eventually and, this time, they will fulfill a wish.

         -ZCL.

“Are we going to make wishes?” Jisung asked after a while, feeling yhe tiredness taking over him.

Chenle nodded happily, looking at him with those big, expressive eyes.

“We will ask all the winter stars for a wish and they will be forced to fulfill them, do you know why?” Chenle asked, not expecting an answer.

“Because we believe in them without even knowing them yet.” he assured seriously. “So think carefully about what you plan to wish, you can't forget it again.”

Jisung nodded, thinking about the things he could ask for to the winter stars and why he wouldn't ask the spring or summer stars, or even the autumn ones. He certainly wanted it to mean something in the future, but there was no pressure at that moment.

After all, he had a few months until winter and Chenle's company to think about his wish.

Nights watching the stars became an escape for Jisung, each day longing for the moment when Chenle's text would arrive telling him they were going to their spot.

From the first moment Chenle entered his routine, the change in it was drastic. For years of his life, his routine never varied in terms of the plans he made: school, projects, time for himself, and, in recent years, time for his friends.

He was never a guy who surrounded himself with friends, he tended to be the awkward kid who found it difficult to socialize in larger groups, and that was the root of many nights of tears shed.

Feeling part of something was always difficult and, without understanding why, he accepted that perhaps this was his destiny. Lonely lunches, being the last one in the class to get a lab partner, birthday parties with a maximum of three people (all family members), and a pain in his chest that didn't go away until high school when he finally found a place in the world.

Donghyuck and Jeno came into his life just months before they graduated high school; although lunches were lonely again and he didn't have a lab partner because his friends were older, at least now his birthdays consisted of five people and he had company after classes.

When he entered university, they began to have more specific times to see each other, there were days dedicated exclusively to them because Donghyuck refused to give Jisung's mind time to think when he was alone, there were some emergencies and timed of comfort, but they, naturally, were busier than Jisung, but the youngest's free time was always theirs.

So it was a big shock when, suddenly, in the last few weeks Jisung stopped having free time.

His friends mockingly complained the third time Jisung told them he was busy on a weekend, but they didn't want to be intrusive and ask why, so they bit their tongues from commenting as they watched their friend smile while answering texts.

They took care of him like a little brother, and Jisung knew that they had their reasons to worry if he didn't answer messages for days or didn't show up to their hangouts during the week, he couldn't blame them for that extra attention because of the background he had, but they definitely started to worry. Also, they got curious when Jisung started showing interest in places they didn't frequent and uploading Instagram stories visiting cafes in the city with someone, especially since there were only rare occasions of Jisung drinking coffee in his life without ending up having a nervous breakdown, Jeno had the count.

They never inquired about his weekends, so they were in the dark about who was the person who accompanied Jisung when they weren't there.

One Friday night, the three friends met at Jisung's place, but it was by mere coincidence.

Jeno came to the rescue because Jisung spent half of his Friday trying to put together a desk without success, and Jisung assumed Jeno was the kind of guy who knew how to do it because he just looked like it, but his presence wasn't a saving grace, not even their combined minds were enough to move forward from the last thing Jisung put together.

By the time night fell, Donghyuck walked through the door with some pizza boxes he bought with a coupon he had for days and he wanted to share it with Jisung before he left for his mysterious weekend plans. To his surprise, he found his friends on the verge of tears from the stress of not being able to put a little wheel on the desk.

After a session of breathing exercises guided by Donghyuck to relax them, they sat on the floor around the half-assembled desk, with some pieces still scattered around and with the shipping boxes serving as individual tables. The three of them ate in silence to contemplate how to put it together without Jeno hurting another finger, because he almost lost three in the last hour.

A knock on the door brought them out of their trance, reflecting confusion from the three of them as they bit into their pizza in sync.

Donghyuck looked at Jeno on his left, who looked at Jisung also on his left, who was confused when on his left there was no one to answer his questions because the usual three were there. His mind slapped him causing him to throw his pizza onto Jeno's plate before standing up and running to the door, Jeno passed the slice to Donghyuck and he returned it to the box.

To the surprise of the two sitting on the floor, but not for Jisung, a boy at the door entered smiling while speaking at an impressive speed and his friend just nodded. They didn't listen to the conversation, just watched the interaction silently as they finished their slice of pizza.

If it weren't for Donghyuck biting his tongue and letting out a squeal, the other two's bubble wouldn't have burst.

“Uh…”

“Ah, this is Donghyuck and Jeno,” Jisung introduced, scratching the back of his neck, embarrassed for not introducing them. “And this is Chenle.”

He said that last thing as if his friends had the slightest idea who Chenle was, as if he had already told them how, when and where they had met, when he never mentioned him even by chance.

Quite the opposite of them, Chenle greeted them as if he was aware of who they were.

“Do you want some pizza?” Donghyuck said, holding up his slice in an attempt for him to see the pizza and have the option to accept or reject it and thus sit at their new table. At least the pizza didn't get wasted. 

Chenle looked at Jisung in a way that made Donghyuck think that those two communicated with their gaze, which was impressive because he and Jeno had not managed to communicate telepathically yet and had known each other for several years. He didn't understand when Jisung invited him with his gaze nor when Chenle accepted, but it was clear when he sat down.

In Jeno's opinion, he did it with too much familiarity for it to be the first time he visited, which made him look at Jisung, but he didn't catch it because he was gawking at the new guest.

JIsung found himself back in his position next to Jeno, and now had Chenle on his own left.

“We were trying to set up the desk,” Jisung informed as Donghyuck silently handed Chenle a plate and Jeno offered the open pizza box for him to take his slice. “None of us are very good at this.”

“I told you I could help,” the blonde reproached, taking what the boys offered him with a grateful smile. "Thank you so much."

They both murmured “you're welcome” and went back to eating their pizza.

Donghyuck chewed in silence, sure he understood that little exchange of words: Jisung had told Chenle about the desk, something he didn't tell them until he needed their help and the other interrupted when he arrived with pizza, and the other blond offered to help him, almost sensing that Jisung couldn't do it right. 

Who was that boy and why did Jisung keep him so hidden?

After years of knowing him, Donghyuck knew that Jisung was reserved in many aspects of his life, but if there was one thing that excited him, it was having friends, being able to start a conversation with someone without stumbling over his words, and he always told them about those small achievements. However, things with Chenle never pointed in that direction, if you ask Donghyuck, but then he remembered which aspect of his life Jisung was more reserved than ever: his romantic interests.

“So… you're Jisung's classmate?” Donghyuck asked curiously, alternating his gaze between the two of them

He needed to at least know where they knew him from.

Jeno, as support, moved closer to Donghyuck and gave the other two a curious look.

Chenle cocked his head at Jisung, who shrugged and nodded. They communicated telepathically again. 

“We have been colleagues in an investigation for a few months now,” Chenle announced seriously, straightening himself to maintain his act. “It is a serious investigation of approximately eight months. We plan to write an article that will be published.”

Jeno and Donghyuck nodded, the latter feeling embarrassed for having invited Jisung's colleague to eat pizza on the floor, on small boxes that were probably carried all over the city on a delivery truck, and especially for thinking that there was something between them when he knows better than anyone that Jisung wouldn't mix his personal life with his professional life.

However, it was because of the piercing look that Jisung gave Chenle that the blonde burst into laughter, unconsciously leaning on the youngest's shoulder, as he rolled his eyes.

“We met at a bar,” Jisung clarified with a sigh, patting Chenle's cheek, who seemed to melt at the contact. “Later we agreed to make an attempted research”

“We were planning to continue tonight,” Chenle added, almost sitting on Jisung, in an attempt to get closer to his friends. “But it seems there was a bump in the road.” He concluded with a smile, looking straight into the eyes of the boy next to him.

Donghyuck didn't want to overanalyze that, really, but the way they both looked at each other and immersed themselves in their own world...

“We can leave if you like,” Jeno murmured, blinking, understanding why his friend expressed such urgency to finish the desk.

Chenle looked away from Jisung, widening his eyes in surprise and blushed, shaking his head repeatedly, in obvious panic.

“That's not what he meant,” Jisung said with a nervous chuckle. “He’s talking about the desk” At that, Chenle nodded.

“I bet him he wouldn't put it together by this time. Now he owes me a gourmet dinner,” the blonde commented proudly.

“You wanted fried chicken-“

“And of course they are invited, he pays” Chenle interrupted with a smile. “He has told me a lot about you, also showing photos. He told me about your podcast together, we've listened to it a couple of times over dinner.”

They wanted to say that it was the same for them and they had heard countless times about him and had something remarkable about him on the tip of their tongues, but that was not the case. They knew about him ten minutes ago and still didn't understand his place in Jisung's life, although neither of them would say that out loud.

On the other hand, they blushed at the things Jisung mentioned about them, especially the podcast and them listening to it. Donghyuck was a bit hung up on the fact that they heard it together, while they were having dinner, together.

But he eventually left all his thoughts behind, deciding to talk to Chenle a little more now that they had the topic of the podcast on the table. With that, Jeno gradually became encouraged to do the same and try to talk more with the new guest.

Thus, an hour later, the three friends were laughing when Chenle recounted his first encounter in front of the printer in his first days of internship, while the pizza disappeared until they were satisfied.

Discreetly, Jeno indicated to Donghyuck that it was time to leave, but not before offering to help Jisung wash the dishes used during the night, to which the owner of the place promised to do it alone.

Jeno nodded and helped carry the plates to the kitchen, Jisung brought the empty pizza boxes, and that's how the other two were left having a conversation about a game they had in common, apparently they got along well.

“So…” Jeno began once they entered the kitchen. “Are you two dating-?”

“Yah, yah, yah, stop there,” the youngest quickly cut in, almost dropping the pizza boxes from his arms. “It's not what you think.”

Unlike Donghyuck, Jeno did not spend minutes locked in his mind thinking about the relationship between the other two, he just dedicated himself to observing their small interactions and that was enough, he did not need to write an essay to reach the conclusion nor interrogate hit friend.

But it was fun to see Jisung embarrassed, it was an opportunity he wouldn't pass up even if he got paid.

“Sorry, it just seems so,” he said with a shrug.

“We are research partners-“

“For a non-formal investigation,” Jeno added. “It seems that you are also meeting outside research purposes if you have dinner listening to our podcast.”

“That… is also for research purposes.”

“Our podcast is just Donghyuck complaining and making fun of the college life he's forced to live.” Jeno said dryly.

“…That day we took a break and listened to your podcast,” Jisung tried to excuse, finally leaving the trash in its place.

“I guess you just talk about the research and see each other for it, then.”

“Not necessarily,” he considered, leaning against his fridge, watching his friend rinse the dishes, with the clear intention of cornering him in the kitchen for a while. “We've been here a couple of times, I've been to his place, we had dinner, we talked about banal things…” he explained. “It doesn't mean we have anything either.”

“Hmm… I just think you get along well,” the older one hummed, handing him the dishes to dry.

“That's what friendship is all about,” Jisung murmured obviously.

Was this the price to pay for not washing four plates and a spoon?

“And I also think you look cute invading each other's personal space without realizing it.” Jeno teased giving him the last plate.

"That's not-"

Jeno just laughed at his friend's blushing face, drying his hands once he had finished.

When they were face to face, he patted Jisung's red cheek, as a sign of affection, and showed him a soft smile.

“I hope you are successful in your investigation.” And with that, Jisung turned around and returned to the living room, just in time to stop Donghyuck from approaching the desk and try to put it together on his own.

After their friends said goodbye, the apartment fell into a pleasant silence for the two who remained there.

Chenle watched in silence as Jisung collected the boxes and bubble papers that adorned the space all night, alternating his gaze from time to time to the desk that was upside down, and that was when he quickly detected the piece that they placed incorrectly and made it impossible for them to the three boys complete the task.

Without much to say, he got up from the couch where he had been for the last few minutes and headed to the half-assembled desk, determined to help.

Neither spoke as they did their tasks, they didn't speak either when Jisung sat next to him to hand him the small parts according to instructions. They both felt comfortable like this, regardless of the fact that it wasn't the plan of the night, and Chenle was smiling as if they were on the rock on the outskirts of the city.

Seeing that smile in a warmer and more private space made Jisung's heart pound.

“It was nice to meet your friends,” Chenle said after a while, playing with one of the wheels on the desk. “I thought they would hate me for meddling in your plans.”

Chenle never liked inserting himself in other people's plans, he didn't like feeling like he was occupying spaces that didn't belong to him, it was his concern throughout the night, especially because it was Jisung's friends, but being with him gave him enough comfort to not feeling out of place, plus his friends were nice and never made him feel like an intruder.

“It was an impromptu meeting, don't worry about that. I'm sure they liked you,” the youngest comforted. “I'm sorry I didn't keep up with today's agenda.”

Chenle puffed out his cheeks instead of answering, quickly covering them with his hands as he lowered his head, knowing that they were turning color.

“I like spending time with you, it doesn't matter if it's outside of our research,” he muttered embarrassedly.

Jisung fought the smile that threatened to appear, but, as always, it was stronger than his will and he ended up giving a warm smile to the boy in front of him when he finally met his gaze.

“I like spending time with you too, Le.”

Trying to ignore the blush on his face, Chenle looked around the apartment, stopping at the balcony that overlooked the city. With a smile no longer so embarrassed, he stood up and motioned for the other to follow him.

“Bring the notebook, we can still add something,” said the blonde, sitting on the floor of the balcony.

Without questioning Jisung did as indicated and followed him to the place where he was already admiring the stars.

It wasn't the outskirts of the city and they didn't have the clearest sky in the world, the space was smaller and that made them collide shoulder to shoulder, but that's how they dedicated themselves to seeing the sky.

“I want to continue spending time with you,” Chenle murmured without looking away from the stars.

The air was trapped in Jisung's chest, preventing him from answering anything in the moment, or in the seconds in which Chenle blindly extended his arm to ask for the notebook, so routinely that he handed it to him without a second thought.

He worried more about regulating his breathing as he heard the pen being dragged to capture the words on paper.

By the end of the night, when Chenle left after finishing setting up the desk, Jisung finally decided to take a look at the day's notes.

07/26

We didn't see the stars up close tonight, but we still had a good time with Jisung's friends, who are certainly almost as interesting as a night watching the sky.

Anyways, the stars look good from Jisung's balcony, and somehow here I feel them getting closer and closer, I hope my colleague feels it too.

         -ZCL.

07/26

You're always welcome to hang out with us. I like spending time with you.

                                 -PJS.

Jisung concluded that maybe the escape from the routine wasn't getting out of the city and seeing the sky, but being with Chenle.

As much as their journey watching the stars found itself colored with joyful nights full of new feelings for both of their hearts, there were also days when those new feelings were not what they expected under such a cozy atmosphere.

There were days when Chenle was not in the mood but wanted to fulfill their schedule, others when Jisung was a minute away from collapse due to exhaustion and days when their exchange of words was no big deal. However, Jisung did not dwell on the gray days of their research.

At least, not like one of the real gray days they faced.

"It seems to me like there are no stars today" Chenle shivered.

"Oh, you think?" Jisung grumbled, hugging himself.

Summer came in a few weeks ago without paying much attention to it, at least not until it was accompanied by the first storms they had to go through together.

One of them, unfortunately, hit while they were on their rock in the stargazing.

Chenle insisted on going that night to the mountain, with more stubbornness than other times, he argued the sky could be cloudy and with threats of rain but that did not mean an impediment in their mission for the night. Since it was Saturday, he suggested leaving the car at the foot of the mountain and walking while the night fell, after all it was only a kilometer to walk, what could go wrong? On the surface, nothing, until halfway through the walk the gray clouds closed the sky, just when it was too late to come back to the car.

Jisung must have been aware of the trouble it would mean if the rain caught them halfway up the mountain, and regretted for the first time following Chenle without ever questioning or stopping him in his impulsive ideas. However, he didn't, and they both reached the usual spot, where they could only sit for twenty minutes before the first drop fell on Jisung's face.

That was the sign that it was a bad idea.

Right after that, a heavy storm let loose on them, forcing them to walk back to the car, with the thick raindrops hitting against their backs.

Jisung wasn't upset, at least not like Chenle thought he was. He was just a little grumpy when the rain started to hit his face from the change in the wind. And he wasn't mad at Chenle, he was mad at himself; multiple times he thought he was being the cautious one who considered all scenarios on his stargazing excursions, that Saturday he checked the weather before leaving home, he was aware of the approaching storm; while the storm was an hour early, he should have expected it and also should have taken with him an umbrella.

So yes, that was his problem, his own carelessness.

He felt like he was freezing under his jacket, and how could he not? Soaking wet in the middle of a mountain almost an hour from the warmth of his home, anyone would feel that way. That only added to his annoyance.

He let out a growl, hugging himself tighter.

Shaking a few drops from his face, he slowly realized that Chenle wasn't walking by his side, he stood a few steps behind, his gaze fixed on his own feet, not even paying attention when Jisung stopped in front of him, so he impacted with his chest.

"I'm sorry" Chenle whispered without looking up, stepping aside to continue his way.

Jisung knew it wasn't an apology for bumping into him, the way he let out barely a whisper and didn't look for his face made him think he apologized for the situation in general. His heart shrank a little.

"Hey" he called, raising his voice, he quickened his pace to catch up. Hesitant to grab the other's arm to get his attention from him, he chose not to so as not to build more tension in the atmosphere. "Chenle..." Slowly, Chenle stopped, standing in mid-stride, until they finally made eye contact. "Is something wrong?"

It wasn't the rain, it wasn't about not seeing the stars, it wasn't it the cold either. There was something else and all of this only ended up adding more weight to Chenle's shoulders, pushing him to his limit that night. It was more than just a bad day with a storm bearing down on them like the icing on the cake.

An intense stare was all the response he got, and he saw the internal debate in Chenle gaze. What would be going through his head?

"I feel my heart heavy" Chenle whispered, his lower lip trembled and the lump in his throat became noticeable. "But sometimes it feels empty. And I think I'm using you as an escape to ignore that I feel that way."

Jisung said nothing, he was at a loss for words to say or moves to make.

In the time they had known each other, Chenle expressed, in his own way, that he had difficulties in his life that pulled him down often, mostly emotionally; Jisung knew it from the first day they met, even though his mood was improving along the way to the point that he arrived with a smile at the rock, as usual. The insistence of going out or being with Jisung mostly depended on those situations that he didn't know about Chenle's life, and he never knew what he was referring to nor did he have the slightest idea what it was about. And he never asked, because Chenle didn't want to talk about it, so he just stayed, just waited, just followed him.

It was the first hint he ever gave about feeling sad, although Jisung didn't quite understand it. It was a breaking point for Chenle and Jisung felt a prick in his heart as he saw how, right after he said those words, eyes that normally held a glint of excitement and curiosity were filled with tears.

He could distinguish them from the rain because they fell down his cheeks faster than the drops in the sky.

The tears suddenly seemed uncontrollable, with the sole intention of bringing Chenle down. Slowly he began to tremble, and without a second thought Jisung took him in his arms just in time to prevent him from falling to the ground; he held him even though his legs were also faltering and he did not have the strength to respond either. He gently dropped down in the middle of the road in the middle of nowhere, under a rainy night.

And Chenle cried, he cried inconsolably. His sobs were not lost in the sound of the drops hitting the asphalt or the air moving the wet leaves of the trees; if anything, his crying silenced the whole world for Jisung, who could only listen to how Chenle let go of everything he carried with him day by day, everything he could not leave behind in the city because it would follow him to the top of the mountain.

Chenle clung to him as tightly as he could and didn't think much of hugging him back with the same intensity, fearful that he would fall to pieces if he didn't hold him tightly enough. Part of that hug would stay with each of them, at least for that night.

Neither knew exactly how long they spent there, but at some point it stopped mattering when the heavy drops fell on them; Jisung was more concerned with monitoring Chenle's breathing, lightly stroking his sodden back to reassure him. They needed to get back to the car, because they would both end up sick, but that was not a priority.

Like the rain, the crying gradually diminished, the storm turning to drizzle as the sobs became little hiccups that annoyed Chenle. Still, neither of them had any intention of breaking the embrace.

Jisung was afraid of letting Chenle go and him breaking into his arms again, he was hesitant for minutes about whether it was the moment of calm he waited to move or not. Chenle said nothing, just stayed tucked into his chest, melting more and more into Jisung's arms, clinging to the warmth he gave him and, above all, the calm.

It was an embrace that didn't involve any kind of promise about everything being okay in the future, nor one that Chenle had someone to hold him if he fell. It was just the moment, a moment he had someone, unattached to a future, and Jisung assumed Chenle preferred it to be that way.

"Do you want to go to the car now?" Jisung asked in a whisper, voice soft and somewhat hoarse from the cold, a whisper accompanied by caresses in the hair of the boy he rocked in his arms.

They were so close that he felt when Chenle closed his eyes, inhaled deeply and shook his head, sinking as much as possible into the embrace. He clung onto his jacket in a silent plea for him not to move.

Jisung raised his head to the sky, finding the dark blue sky barely clearing, the gray rain clouds scattering freely and letting the wind rush through the trees. He closed his eyes carefully, letting the wind dry his face, well knowing he would catch a cold in the morning anyway, and rested his chin on Chenle's head.

It could have been minutes, it could have been hours, and maybe he had rocks embedding themselves against his knees so obviously that they bothered him even with his clothes in the way, but he didn't move until Chenle gave a sign that it was okay to do so.

He almost fell asleep in that position, and would have done so if it wasn't for Chenle beginning to be aware of his surroundings second by second, slowly pulling away from Jisung, not quite breaking the embrace, just enough to come face to face .

Jisung watched as he blinked with the intention of wiping away the rest of his tears, wiping away all traces of them even if the irritation in his eyes was an indicator. He pouted, as he did whenever something didn't feel right.

The lighting wasn't good, they couldn't ask for more if they considered they were halfway up a mountain, but the moonlight dulled by some clouds was enough, their features still distinguishable amidst the darkness, then Chenle smiled, and Jisung couldn't' help but reciprocate the small smile.

"Have you ever thought about kissing in the rain?" Chenle asked out of the blue.

An inexplicable warmth rose in Jisung's cheeks, causing him to open his eyes wide and let out a nervous giggle, the same that made way for a chuckle from Chenle, who opted to hide in the other's chest again.

"We'd better get to the car" Jisung barely mumbled, wandering his gaze through the treetops beside him, as if the other was still keeping his eyes on him.

He felt Chenle nod against his chest, letting out a sigh. It was time to return to the city

With regret and a terrible pain in his knees, Jisung took enough strength to lift them both up, drawing groans from them for the awkward position they found themselves in for the past few minutes. The small stones that bothered Jisung earlier were stuck to his jeans, and they were soaked from head to toe, adding that Chenle complained because one of his legs went numb and he felt an uncomfortable tingling that made him let out groans of not being able to walk.

Of course that lightened the mood, Jisung noticed before how he always joked or deflected the topic after a tense moment, so he decided to play along and tease him about the tingling, or rolling his eyes when Chenle swore that his leg would stop responding forever.

Without a second thought, he offered his hand to Chenle, who accepted it with a lopsided smile, hopping on his leg that wasn't numb, and so they resumed their walk back to the car.

Jisung couldn't help but think of his car as he glanced down at his jeans. He always hated dirt on the car, he couldn't explain how mortified he felt at the thought of climbing into his seat like that, his thoughts of him instantly went to how he would have to take it to be washed first thing in the morning.

But when he got in and let out a sigh, all those thoughts took a back seat when he saw Chenle shivering, possibly because of the cold, and that's when he didn't mind moving all over the car in search of a small blue blanket he always carried with him everywhere; when I found it, he handed it to Chenle with a small smile. And the thought of seeing his favorite blanket full of mud wasn't pleasant to him either, but he let it go for that one time, just after seeing the older boy wrapping himself in it and sink down to his cheeks for warmth. With that image, Jisung drove back to town.

By midnight, Jisung saw himself in the mirror one last time before leaving the bathroom, fresh from taking a shower and already finally in his comfortable pajamas.

In the living room, he saw Chenle on the couch watching some movie he probably put on randomly, not too interested in looking for something to watch. He was wrapped in another blanket and drinking a cup of tea, behind him, through the balcony, Jisung watched as the storm followed them into the city, but this time they had a shelter from it.

He took a seat on the couch, right next to Chenle, who had his hair still wet from the shower he took earlier, and without warning ran his fingers through the blonde strands, surprised when the other snuggled up next to him. For an instant his fingers paused, just processing what he'd just done, but when Chenle patted his own hair in a signal to keep doing it he didn't hold back any longer.

The plan was that he'd take him home after his shower, but there was a slight change when it was mission impossible to stay awake, both of them falling into a deep sleep on the couch, in a position that would make their necks ache in the morning.

It was like that, as the night passed, and Jisung slept feeling Chenle's warmth next to him.

In the morning, Jisung woke up because of the pain in his neck, and found his living room empty, with no sign in sight of Chenle, only a note informing him that he had unfinished business that morning, but that he would be back in the afternoon to have dinner and compensate him for last night. Jisung sighed, wanting to tell him right there that he should not compensate him for anything that happened.

Next to the note was the journal, which fortunately was not damaged. Chenle must have kept it with him.

Still half asleep, Jisung took the notebook and laid down on the couch, yawning because, well, it was eight in the morning on a Saturday where he normally slept until ten, and he took the time to open it and see if there was a note from the night before.

Sure enough, Chenle wrote his contribution.

08/03

The sky was cloudy, the results were not good... in any way. It was a different night, the sky was falling apart and, amidst all the chaos, one star managed to escape the clouded sky.

I'm proud to say that Jisung couldn't see it like I did.

-ZCL.

That note left him confused, because he didn't remember seeing a single star last night, not even a plane, but Chenle seemed to have his own research for which he made those notes.

He thought about putting a question mark in his complementary note. However, in the end he decided to put something else.

08/03

How nice that you can see stars even when it seems impossible. You deserve to see each and every one of them.

 -PJS.

It was admirable to him how Chenle saw the light in his most difficult moments, how he could get up after crying for hours and sleep with tranquility on his face despite everything.

With a sigh, Jisung tried to sleep, waiting for the afternoon to come to see Chenle again, but something caught his attention.

The tape holding his previous entries was gone, probably because of the rain, but he felt exposed.

It wasn't like his biggest secrets were contained by a teddy bear tape that Donghyuck gave him, nor that he had confessed to a crime there, but the simple fact that his past words were resurfacing made him uneasy.

He was fine that morning, he was fine the last few weeks, he was no longer the hopeless boy who once wrote that, he was in a better place, why can't he forget all that? Those entries, while they weren't really descriptive, take him to the worst moments of his life. He remembers what is behind those words, why those dates exist. In that moment, he regrets not having ripping off those sheets when he had the chance.

The day of the storm was never brought up again and Jisung never asked about the star the other claimed to see.

He found himself thinking about that night more than he should, but not necessarily about what happened with Chenle, but about himself.

Rethinking himself for so many nights in a row whether he had improved took its toll on him, to the point that he could not sleep nor did he feel well enough to see anyone. He sent a few texts to his friends to ask for space during that week, and with Chenle he communicated as always but without agreeing to go out to see the stars.

The difficult part about healing, perhaps, is that it will never be linear. It is a phrase that was repeated to him for years, that he even saw online without even asking for it. It was part of his journey, sure, but it was frustrating.

His life was so suddenly filled with good things that it was horrible to feel that something was wrong in the midst of it, and even more so because he couldn't put his finger on the line.

The nights of crying came flooding back, the fear of being alone while pushing away the few people around him also settling in with familiarity. Suddenly, everything good was put in a drawer to which he lost the key and spent days debating whether it was worse to have an empty mind or overthinking.

It was one afternoon at the beginning of August that, in the middle of a free period, one of his classmates asked him a question.

“Didn't you feel like this year went by too quickly?” His classmate asked, frowning when he saw the date on his phone.

Jisung shrugged.

“No,” he answered without thinking much. “Maybe I don't have anything notable going on.”

He saw the boy nod at that answer, considering that he was right and that's why the eight months slipped through his fingers. Neither of them spoke again.

And that doesn't mean Jisung didn't think about it afterwards.

Especially not when all the memories hit him at once at the end of the day, when he drove his usual road to the mountain with Chenle in the seat next to him, who looked out the window with his eyes closed and the lights of the city shining on his face.

His summary of the year so far was simple: a New Year's party, a snowstorm that found him without a sweater, his friends' joint birthday, and meeting Chenle.

It didn't seem like much, but it was.

Since that night in June, most of his memories were tied the image of a boy smiling, rolling his eyes and also crying.

Suddenly, the last few months were the boy next to him, the one who had put his world into a different focus in the blink of an eye, so discreet that he didn't notice it when it happened.

The first night in search of the stars seemed far away, so far away that Jisung felt like he had known Chenle for his entire life and not just three months. His routine didn't seem recent either, but rather he felt like it was something they had been doing for years. It was a lot in such a short time, not as if Chenle had inserted himself into his life while drunk, but as if he had always been a part of it forever.

Calm and something close to happiness. That was what it felt like to have with Chenle in his life.

From the beginning he was captivated by the blonde, with his infinite topics to discuss and a laugh that he will never be able to forget. He didn't want to think about how he had an instant crush, because he didn't, he just thought about how amazing it was to meet him, and how there was always a new side to discover.

Stargazing brought so many things to Jisung that he wouldn't want to list them for fear of forgetting one, but among them it brought him moments of tranquility, where the world disappeared and the problems stayed in the city since he got into the car with the clear feeling that Chenle brought him back something he thought he had lost at some point: hope. At the same time, it became a bond that he didn't want to share with anyone else.

Jisung's feelings arose somewhere in those months of stargazing, between impromptu dinners on his living room floor and early mornings on the phone having conversations about their worries for the future.

He didn't have an exact date for those feelings, there was no specific notebook for them, but he was sure that they progressed as the days went by. He felt that his heart harbored something deeper than a friendship for the blonde, at the same time he didn't know how to express it to himself in a way that his mind wouldn't scream at him that he was falling in love.

Rarely in his life did he have feelings more than friendship for someone, infinite crushes perhaps, but never anything serious. Never anything that made him feel like the moments he shared with Chenle.

For the first time in his life, he built something from scratch without the intention of doing so, and for the first time someone opened the doors to small details in life like Chenle did, even if it was unconsciously.

The sunsets reminded him of Chenle, and since he met him he started to have more photos of sunsets from his balcony, sometimes from the university and sometimes when Donghyuck sent photos of the sun bothering him in his window while he had online classes in the afternoon and the rays were shining right at his desk. Small details that had a backup on his phone to always remember.

Saying it was something different was understandable, something Jisung wanted to cling to. The only downside was that it didn't seem to be reciprocated, at least not to the same intensity. Thinking about being reciprocated was what discouraged all of his crushes at some point. And this time it didn't seem like the exception, it was just too late. So much so that he became aware of his feelings before he could even deny them.

He needed to express those feelings, or else they would end up suffocating him, but he was afraid of getting too ahead of himself and ruining what remained certain of their research. That night, with some words making a lump in his throat, he decided to wait until the winter passed to say everything that overwhelmed him that day.

By the time they reached the rock, Jisung concluded that his little feelings would grow over time and need a home, one that Chenle was the one for.

“I feel too lazy to make notes today,” Chenle whimpered, leaning his head on Jisung's shoulder, pouting and looking at him with pleading eyes. “Can you do it?”

Jisung rolled his eyes and nodded, preventing him from having a free view of his blushing face at all costs.

“Are you going to dictate to me what to write?” he asked sighing. He felt Chenle nod, and that gave him the cue to start writing. He flipped through the journal, reviewing some of the past entries, coming to a blank page. “Why don't you put the year in the notes?”

All the sheets had the months and days at the header, also a count of the corresponding night, but never any indication of putting the year, which made him think it was intentional.

Chenle shrugged, bumping his shoulder into Jisung's, and smiled a little.

“You don't like the idea of being timeless?” Chenle asked.

“I had never thought about it, I'm going to say no,” Jisung responded seriously. At this, Chenle laughed and Jisung only managed to push his head off from his shoulder. “Yah, just tell me if you don't remember what year we're in and I'll remind you. It's the year two thousand-"

“Of course I know what year it is!” Chenle interrupted offended, opening his mouth in disbelief of him thinking he was so lost in space and time. He shook his head and leaned back into the older man's shoulder, then heaved a sigh, giving up to explain. “I like the idea of ​​transcending time, I like to think that someone is going to read this and be able to place themselves in any year they want.”

“When someone reads it on the internet or for us?” JIsung asked smilingly, to which the blonde nodded, not paying much attention.

“To whoever,” Chenle murmured. “I want only you and me to know the exact moment it happened, I want it to be no notion of time if someone reads it, just let them know that it began one day in June when it was still spring, another night in August when it rained on us and… We will probably see the most starry night in a winter far from us.” he continued with a wistful smile. “I want only you and me to know that we exist today.”

Jisung nodded, moved by Chenle's mentality; If someone read their article online or found the small notebook, the question might arise as to when it happened, whether it was days ago or years ago, but the two of them would know perfectly well the period of time in which it took place, the time they spent together, the stars under which they hid. It would be their secret, their moment in time, their way of staying there.

He didn't ask any more questions about entering the year, he dedicated himself to making the note dictated, and, in comparison with the previous ones they written, this one didn't fit.

Chenle only told him to write something about a star that shone in the west and, although that was relevant and worthy of admiration, the note felt empty. Jisung spent the rest of his time on the rock crossing out the year in his past notes.

When he read each and every one of the notes written in the journal, he felt that all of them held another meaning, not being related to the research; as if Chenle was leaving clues of something to be deciphered. There was a hidden meaning in the middle of those sentences, one that only Chenle knew and he was proud of that, which is why he himself always smiled when writing them or reading the supplementary notes.

Chenle was a direct person with his thoughts, many times it even seemed like he didn't have a filter and they just came out. He was transparent, but only with what he was willing to let be seen, never more and never less, he preferred to blush from saying his feelings out loud rather than keeping it to himself, and at the same time he did not let everything be known.

The notes meant something, maybe related to Jisung or maybe not, and the omission of the year could also go beyond what Chenle explained to him that night, but he wouldn't know that unless he read between every single line, unless he analyzed each moment from the perspective of the other.

When Jisung previously reviewed several of his moments with the blonde, he did it in a different light, that was clear. While he lived it all under a veil of feelings being revealed, of affection blossoming, Chenle lived it in another way, one that he would not know how to interpret because it was from the side that he never showed.

Their night ended with Jisung closing the notebook without making an additional note, just thinking that he was being very transparent with his feelings on this occasion, and he slept worrying about not knowing how to interpret Chenle's words in time.

The first time Jisung saw a star shine brighter than any other, so far, was one night in August.

He didn't like to admit it, but he didn't deny it either: he was a nostalgic person, especially at the end of summer.

The feeling came on several occasions during June and July, accumulating fragments of nostalgia that he did not let go during those months, threatening to explode one August evening while performing a task he was struggling with.

Whenever something in his daily life got more complicated than usual, especially something to do with school, his mind flew to his mother. To the one person he loved the most, but the same one who overwhelmed him like no one else.

With an uneasy feeling, he got up from his desk chair and walked to his closet, looking for a box whose contents didn't often see the light of day. A photograph album that laid out his entire life from birth to age 10, pictures taken by different people, in different places, with different family members, things that were no longer in his memories, and a few childhood friends he left behind when he learned to tie his shoes properly.

Going through the photos was fun, he always loved seeing how much he had changed and loved even more finding things that stayed with him. His smile, most of all, always stayed the same. His father said it was his mother's smile, and that made him prouder to wear it.

However, among the dozens of photos of his childhood, there were only two with his mother: one on the day of his birth and another on his fourth birthday, with him hanging from her neck. There was never another one where they were together, let alone one where his father was also in the picture.

His mother was a complicated person, someone who found it difficult to show her affection even to her own son, and whose list of priorities was short, but always put her work first.

Jisung didn't resent her for that, at least not during his teenage years, but now when he thought about it, maybe he would have liked to have a little more of that time for the two of them. He would have liked her to support him in his homework instead of just solving it for him, just as he would have liked her to attend his festivals or dance competitions instead of sending his aunt, to the extent that his entire fourth grade class came to think of his aunt as his mother.

He sometimes thought about the times he received hugs and how he never got used to them, because hundreds of people could have given them to him, but he always waited for his mother's arms. He consoled himself that at least his father hugged him every day after work, although he couldn't hold on to it completely.

When he moved alone to the other side of town, intending to move close to the university he would attend, the distance between him and his mother became more evident than it already was, as it was complicated for him in the early years to move from north to south often, and his schedule didn't give him enough time. Besides, something always told him that it was in vain, he would arrive in an empty house.

It was on those days, in the summer, where he missed his childhood, where his mother still had time to pinch his cheeks, scolding him for being dirty after spending all day in the park because there was no school. That was when he missed his mother the most, now that she wouldn't answer a text from him until the next week.

Jisung sighed, closing the album and getting up to go get something to drink from his fridge.

Summer also made him think of his aunt, whom he curiously saw more often because she lived downtown and often invited him for coffee, although lately he canceled on her because he was continuing his research with Chenle.

She supported him when his mother was not with him, from picking him up from school to taking care of him for the vacations. Jisung was an only child with busy parents, and his aunt Yunhee never had children, so they found a refuge in each other.

She walked him around every corner of the city, by car, bicycle and bus; in the outskirts of the city as well, and that's where they built their most precious memories: wishing upon the stars.

He could have spent the day recalling every adventure with his aunt, but a text pulled him out of his trip down memory lane and brought him back to the present.

Chenle wanted to see the waning moon, he was at the door of his building and he wouldn't take no for an answer.

It's not like Jisung was able to refuse, but he played hard to get for a few minutes even though he was going down the elevator to see the other in the parking lot of the building.

"There's something in the atmosphere today" Chenle said as they were already on their way to the mountain.

"Is that good or bad?" Jisung asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Meh," he replied with a shrug. "I feel a lot of energy, but I don't know what it's due to." Jisung agreed, not understanding if he meant energy per se or something to do with the energies of the universe, things Chenle always brought up. "The waning moon is when only the left side of it is visible, then I will also tell you what sign is under."

Without further ado they reached their destination, at the right time to see the moon above them, so close but so far away, just as Chenle liked it.

The sky, as on several other occasions, was full of stars dancing in the sky, clearly seen in the distance, making a spectacle over their heads. The moon was also beautiful, and shone as Jisung had not seen before, but the scenery in the sky didn't capture his attention as he would have liked.

Instead, he found himself looking at Chenle in the moonlight and in front of his car lights, sitting on the rock they knew so well, with a charming smile and stars in his pupils.

The feeling of nostalgia attacked him again, not knowing why, not knowing what his heart longed for if he had Chenle right in front of him, looking more real than ever.

There was something about the way his eyes sparkled and his lips curved into a smile, something about his hair swaying in the wind that made Jisung's heart squeeze. He wanted to stay with that image forever, caught in that moment.

He didn't have a camera to capture it, nor did he need one, it was just a matter of keeping looking and hoping never to lose the memory, because Chenle looked as bright as a star.

"Jisung," he called softly from his place, still looking up at the sky. Jisung made a sound, barely gaining awareness of his surroundings. "Can you hug me?"

At request Jisung didn't expect to hear in that sweet tone, one he agreed to without a second thought, he moved as close as he could to Chenle, and slowly began to wrap his arms around him.

He regretted the little experience in hugging that he managed, because at first it was awkward to find the right position for both of them to fit into each other's arms, but Chenle didn't seem to have a problem with that. On the contrary, he too seemed to be looking for ways to make the hug feel right.

Having Chenle's face on his chest was both a relief and a danger, as he felt glad to have him so close, but at the same time his heart could give away everything he felt with its outrageous beating.

To his surprise, when he tried to see Chenle's face, he looked relaxed against his chest, oblivious to the hammering of his heart, melting more and more into the embrace with his eyes closed and his lips forming a soft smile.

Jisung would have wanted to look so peaceful, because he felt that way, at the same time he was a whirlwind of feelings.

They stayed like that for several minutes, until the moon that looked so close moved away from them discreetly, as if it didn't want to interrupt the moment.

"My great-grandmother used to tell me something when I was a child," Chenle began to say, his chest vibrating. "She used to tell me to look for the person with whom I felt able to close my eyes in a hug" he murmured letting out a sigh. "For tonight, I think I found that person.”

The accumulated nostalgia finally detonated, making his mind form a chain of fragments that, one by one, took him back to his first journal entries, the ones he avoided all this time.

Would it be too pathetic if I wish for a star to fall from the sky and be by my side?

It might have come years later, so many that it had remained in the back of his mind, but he would not like to have it any other way.

Chenle's embrace was so strong that it mended the small cracks his heart carried for years, wiping away every trace of nostalgia he felt throughout his day, fitting a piece he didn't know he needed.

That night, Jisung held a star in his hands, and was lucky not to get burned in the process.

08/25

The moon was below the horizon, under the sign of Gemini until it changed to Cancer. Not that it has any relevance to writing this, but I didn't know how to break the ice with my next question.

Will my colleague remember when I asked him if he has thought of kissing in the rain? I hope not, because I have a change of plans.

I like the idea of ​​doing it under the stars better.

-ZCL.

08/25

The chances of rain are low for now, so kissing in the rain might be a little difficult.

On the other hand, I also like the idea of ​​kissing under the stars, during winter, when they shine brighter.

-PJS

October arrived accompanied by the calm before the storm.

For some reason, that month brought with it a stronger emotional burden than usual, and Jisung will remember it clearly from beginning to end. The month where everything ended before it even began.

In October the leaves of the trees were found on the ground, like every year; The moon shone and he felt it like his companion because of how close it felt. The world was spinning without any problems, but for Jisung there was something that changed everything: Chenle.

He looked happier than ever, with smiles here and there, with jokes for the small inconveniences in his day and with the desire to take on the world. But his eyes reflected none of that. They were an eternal void, one that Jisung couldn't help fill.

Worst of all, he didn't know if Chenle wanted to fill it.

They spent more time together than usual, which Jisung enjoyed, but he couldn't help but feel that it was all a deception; that closeness felt superficial, as if they weren't moments with the Chenle he previously shared. He seemed like someone foreign, a new stranger with whom he had to be careful not to cross the limits that he did not know, someone with whom he had not built anything before.

Chenle claimed that everything was fine, and even better, but his actions reflected otherwise. Although Jisung didn't want to push, he didn't leave the topic there.

With the obvious deterioration of his relationship with Chenle, he began to rethink a couple of things throughout the month.

How well did he know Chenle?

No matter how much they shared information about each other's lives, he never knew the name of the blonde's best friends, nor about his life in general beyond his current studies and his internship. He knew that his family consisted of his mother and his brother, but only because he saw a photo of them in the apartment on one of his visits.

It wasn't that he needed to know all that, but he did find it curious how he had no idea who he was falling in love with.

He was delighted by the Chenle who knows all the songs on the radio, both current and from forty years ago; a smile appeared on his face when he heard him talk about astrology with so much emotion, and he liked seeing those pretty eyes shine while observing the stars, but the questions did not leave her mind: who was Chenle outside of that bubble created for the two of them? Could he get in without busting it?

“I have something to tell you” Chenle exclaimed one day under the libra sun.

It was something like a date, more unofficial, but they were both in a cafe, sitting side by side, with their hands barely touching because neither took the initiative to join them.

Jisung snapped out of his thoughts, blinking a few times to give the other his full attention.

"What's up?" he asked still absently.

“Can we go to the mountains later?” the oldest asked timidly, nervous, almost. “It seems more appropriate to say it there.”

Jisung didn't question anything, he just nodded and promised to take him after their visit to the mall was over.

After finishing their coffee, they both decided it was a good idea to go shopping, spending half of their afternoon hopping from store to store, with Jisung loading up on bags of clothing with different hoodies for the cool fall nights and the approaching winter. Chenle showed no interest in buying anything, so Jisung decided it was time to leave if they weren't going to buy anything else, until they passed by a small store that caught Chenle's attention, who asked the younger to wait while he bought something he saw in the showcase.

His purchase took six minutes, the trip to the parking lot another four, and an hour of traffic later, they both found themselves in the car halfway through the mountains, with a song that Chenle had been repeating for weeks on the car radio.

“Regulus?” Jisung asked, reading the song title out of the corner of his eye.

He rarely paid attention to the lyrics, honestly, because Chenle talked about the song in specific parts, as if he didn't want him to listen to it, and he certainly hasn't had time to review it on his own, so he feels a little lost in the feeling with which his companion sang it. Especially because that night he is absent, but not enough cause he changed the song when he realized Jisung was listening to it attentively.

“That's old. This is my next song of the week,” Chenle smiled, switching to a song Jisung vaguely recognized.

“Le, that was your July obsession.”

“Yah, it's not like I can't repeat it” he refuted, offended. “This song makes me think of you.”

“Wow, romance is not dead.”

Chenle's laughter echoes through the car in a genuine way, like it hasn't before, and for a moment Jisung believes it was all in his mind. They were fine, they would be fine.

When they arrived at their usual spot, Chenle did something out of routine.

This time, he did not turn his back on the city, but sat with his eyes on it, his back on the mountain.

"I feel like we don't give the moon enough credit," Chenle said in a muffled voice.

His eyes were illuminated by the distant lights, making him seem to cherish part of the stars in the sky. However, they did not reflect it.

And it was strange, as he spoke of the moon but didn't give it a glance.

Jisung took a seat beside him, but he turned his back to the city, allowing himself to come face to face with Chenle.

"I think everything has its audience," Jisung replied in a sigh, looking away from Chenle to look up at the moon. "There are moon enthusiasts, there are star enthusiasts, and there are those who dare to love the entire galaxy." Jisung nodded, considering his words.

"What do you consider yourself enthusiastic about?"

He was enthusiastic about many things.

Dancing, music and video games, among other things. There are even foods in their own category that make him feel excited.

He would also consider himself enthusiastic about Chenle, about his laugh, his eyes and his carefree attitude. His intelligence, his words, everything he was. But it didn't seem like the time to say it.

Not yet. He could wait a little longer, just a little longer and he would confess his feelings.

"Lately, about the stars," Jisung replied instead.

It wasn't a lie, after all he found himself seeing stars up three times a week, and if it was because of the boy next to him he wouldn't say it out loud.

"It's nice to share something with someone" Chenle whispered, suddenly moving closer to Jisung's face.

There was something, in that moment, which overshadowed everything around. Everything in that moment was Chenle: the lights in the distance, the air between the leaves of the trees, the sky, the moon and the stars.

Chenle.

Just Chenle.

And Jisung felt like his heart would shoot out of his throat right there, ready to release all the feelings he had been keeping for months. But quickly his heart returned to its place, pushed back by the air he sucked in when Chenle was so close to him that their noses brushed.

It was a moment to let go of all his inhibitions and kiss him, everything was pointing to be the moment Jisung had been waiting for so long.

"Under a starry sky" Jisung muttered, and it seemed like the other understood, as he moved a few inches away from him.

It was a promise made by both of them, backed up in the journal.

They would kiss under the starriest sky of the year, in the winter, in la few months.

"S-sure" Chenle stuttered, his eyes straying to the city again.

If he thought anything else, he didn't vocalize it, and just stared silently.

"What did you want to tell me at the cafe?" Jisung questioned after a while, raising alarms in Chenle's head.

"Oh..." he blurted out barely, blinking rapidly. "Just... Thank you, for doing this with me for so long... For seeing me" he whispered the last part. Before even giving Jisung time to respond, he reached into his pockets for something he carried with him from the mall and held it out to the other's hands. "I bought this for you."

Jisung took the small notebook that Chenle bought for him, seeing in detail that it was smaller than his journal, and with the size of his handwriting he could barely fit a line on each page, but he smiled at the sight of the small drawing of a cat sleeping in a cup.

"Thank you" Jisung whispered with a smile. "I'll take it with me everywhere."

"Just don't write about me," Chenle tried to joke, although it sounded more like a plea to seriously not do it. "Write about things that make you happy in one word every time you realize it."

Jisung nodded, patting the little notebook.

"I won't write about you, I promise," he said firmly. "Thank you for being here, with me, for all these months."

Thank you for everything you make me feel was what Jisung didn't say that night. 

At the end of the night, Chenle's eyes showed a little sparkle for the first time in the night, and Jisung could see himself reflected in those eyes.

A warm atmosphere, a sigh was all that separated them, an almost kiss that never came. A night that ended with a lopsided smile, pinkies intertwined and a sky with half the stars Jisung hoped to see in the future.

With all the pain in his heart, Jisung understood that the 3% margin of error turned out to be necessary.

It had been a few weeks since they last went to stargaze together, he even noticed that there were a few missing pages in the journal since the last night on the rock, and he had heard little about Chenle in that time other than a few exchanges of texts and a quick visit to the nearest convenience store on a night in the middle of the month.

While it was normal for the interaction with Chenle to falter from time to time, this time it gave Jisung a bad feeling when Chenle took the journal with him.

The day he woke up to a text from Chenle, it was just a link he sent at 2:55 AM, eight hours before Jisung woke up.

Still somewhat sleepy, Jisung clicked on the link, quickly discovering that it was the song that Chenle was obsessed with in a not-so-secret way at the beginning of October, and decided that it was time to listen to it carefully if he already had permission to do so.

As soon as he heard the first line, he felt enveloped in an inexplicable peace conveyed by the vocalist's voice.

The name of the star I live on

Often they call it the Regulus  

Even thoughit may be dark all day,

I'm not lonely at all.

Everything in that song seemed to have a certain essence of Chenle, as if it had been written for him. Jisung could imagine him humming the lyrics from time to time, repeating them in his room until dawn, letting himself be hugged by the same peace of that voice as he walked with headphones down the street. At some point he knew that Chenle enjoyed singing, and he always wondered what his singing voice would be like, he felt that this song would be perfect for him to perform sometime, maybe he could learn the chords on the guitar.

It was a nice melody with lyrics that he had to read between the lines.

In this place where I live and breathe,

there's flower that resembles you

it doesn't withers or fades away, 

it always stays by my side.

Jisung sighed, enjoying the song as it progressed, until a certain line took away that moment of peace, forcing him to rewind that part to make sure he understood it correctly.

Even if I can't remember 'cause I have faded away

So that you're the only one who knows

Under the horizon star, I will bury the secret

Tock-tock, so the flower of you can bloom again

His breathing quickened a little, and he decided to continue with the song so he could enjoy it in its entirety and not get carried away with an isolated line. However, the feeling of unease had already settled in his chest.

I'm withering, but you don't be withering

Remember me even when I'm gone,

just a little selfishly.

This star is precious, a living and breathing memory

Even if it's far away from the earth.

Jisung sat on his bed, eyes filling with tears as he thought about the distance between him and Chenle. Just a few kilometers, a few minutes by car, right?

Out of the many that I've met

You're the only one I'll remember

You who is listening to this song now

I'll remember you.

The moment those lines ended the song, everything broke.

The illusions, the promises and his heart.

Finally reading between the lines that Chenle couldn't make clearer for him to understand the first time, he felt his soul break into thousands of pieces as tears began to fall down his face.

A part of him was hopeful, a vague illusion that he had misunderstood the message and Chenle would write to him in a couple of hours to ask his opinion on it.

But the text didn't arrive in the following hours that he spent in his room crying. In its place, a few others arrived who finished trampling on the last ray of hope that hid heart kept.

A text that said “I'm Chenle's brother…” accompanied by other words that he did not want to read, confirmed what he feared so much. And the world stopped there.

It was as if he had been thrown into a dark nebula, as if the solar system was dispersing little by little and heavy clouds of dust obscured the stars with each tear. The dust became thicker, the night became colder and suddenly Jisung felt like he was alone under a black sky even though it was broad daylight.

At some point he stopped crying, at some point Donghyuck and Jeno visited him and he burst into tears before he could even explain the situation.

“Ji… Ji… What happened?” Donghyuck asked scared, trying to keep him in his arms.

Jeno tried to sit them on the couch without any success, Jisung just clung to Donghyuck's arm while crying.

“My chest hurts…” he murmured through tears. "I can't... I need... Chen-"

Saying his name burned his throat. He couldn't pronounce it after that, he doesn't even know if he told his friends what happened, he just cried until he fell asleep.

He felt sheltered by arms that were not warm enough, he was comforted by a voice that was not the one he expected to hear, he spent the weekend disoriented by everything that was happening around him, waiting for the nightmare to end.

But this one only dragged on, so long that Jisung felt like he ran out of tears to shed, but they always came back; the days passed in a blur and the pain in his heart only increased with time.

There were so many words that got stuck in his throat, so many things he wanted to do but didn't have the courage, there were so many ideas for the future winter that suddenly disappeared on an autumn day. Crying was not enough to regret all those things.

And every day he woke up was another day in which regret grew in his chest.

Sometimes it was a note on his phone that he had saved, scheduled to be sent on a day in November. As the date approached, everything fell apart as he remembered the situation he was in. There was no reason to send it now.

Two weeks after Chenle's last message, someone knocked on his door.

He didn't want to open it at first, because there was no point knowing who it was, he knew it wasn't the person he was expecting. It was thanks to the other person's insistence that he forged himself to open it after five minutes, encountering a man dressed in black.

Due to the onset of cold winter, he appeared warm in a coat and wrapped in a brown scarf that only left his sunglasses visible, when he took them off, he let his eyes be seen. Eyes so penetrating that they created a lump in Jisung's throat just by looking at them.

They had the same eyes.

“Hello,” the man murmured, standing up straight. “I am… I…” he cleared his throat and continued: “I am… I was… I am Chenle's brother-” he murmured with difficulty.

“I understand,” Jisung cut in softly, showing that he wouldn't pressure him to say anything else. “Formality is not necessary on this occasion… Can I help you with something?”

The man nodded, reaching one of his hands into his coat pocket to hand out with trembling hands a blue envelope with his name and the journal underneath it.

Jisung had to hold on to the door frame cause he felt a stab in his heart when he saw the calligraphy.

“He left this for you.” he murmured with difficulty. “I'm sorry… I'm sorry I read it,” he apologized, taking a breath. “I know it was a violation of his privacy… And yours… But I needed…” At this point, the man was choking on a sob, and Jisung wasn't far from it. “I wanted to blame someone else” He admitted, putting his glasses back on.

He was not offended by the confession. On the contrary, he understood how difficult it must have been for him to read what his brother left in the envelope. Although he didn't know about their relationship, the other's devastated look told him that, at least, he loved his younger brother. It was understandable that he wanted to look for answers, even if there weren't any where he expected, Jisung didn't know what was behind it either, but he would also have preferred to blame someone else than face Chenle's true reasons.

“I'm not upset,” he said, taking the envelope delicately. “Thank you for delivering this, it must have been difficult to come here.”

Chenle's brother dropped his hands to his sides, as if feeling defeated.

“The funeral…”

“I don't want to attend,” Jisung said quickly, tears in his eyes. “I can’t… I couldn’t stand it.”

“I understand,” he sighed, closing his eyes. It seemed to be all he was going to say, but before he turned around, he took off his glasses and revealed his equally teary eyes, forcing himself to make eye contact. “I have a lot to say and little strength to do it,” he said with a humorless laugh. “First of all, promise me that you will write to him that… I will be fine. I will recover and I will be fine” Jisung didn't say anything, he just nodded, and with the little strength he had he held his gaze. “Second... Thank you, Jisung... Thanks to you I was able to have my brother for a few more months.”

The air caught in Jisung's throat, fortunately he didn't have to say anything else because the man bowed in front of him and turned around, quickening his pace and roughly wiping the tears from his eyes as he walked away.

It was overwhelming to be there, plowing at his door with pajamas that did not protect him from the cold, watching from a distance how a man was trying not to fall to pieces in the middle of the hall, and even though he wanted to help him in his pain, he was being suffocated by his own.

He didn't have siblings, he wouldn't know how to interpret what it's like to lose one, but they both had something in common, they both lost the same person, they were both adrift for the same reason.

With trembling hands he closed the door, heading to his couch to take a seat with the envelope in his hands.

He asked himself: was he ready to see the contents of the letter?

No, he wasn't. But he wouldn't be one day either.

Prolonging things didn't work for him before, much less now. So he could only force himself to open it at once.

A letter written especially for him, it was clear just by looking at the paper: it was from the journal, the pages that were lost the last time he met Chenle.

The ink on the envelope showed Chenle's delicate handwriting, and Jisung smiled for the first time when he read who it was addressed to.

To Park Jisung, my star boy.

10/25: last night.

I don't know how to start this, or if I really have to, but I feel you deserve to know and, after so much debate in my mind, I concluded that if anyone should know my feelings, it's you.

I felt I stopped living at thirteen. I'm off to a strong start, don't you think? But this is the first time I say it to someone else, and somehow this way my pain is finished materializing.

I won't go into details, especially because I only manage to steal 3 sheets of paper from the journal and I have to take advantage of the space, I don't plan to write you on a common sheet of paper. Anyway, back to… that, I felt like this for years of my life.

The night we met, hah, is it silly to think you saved me? The day you found me debating with myself and said I shouldn't make decisions with alcohol in hand, I was planning on ending my life before I entered the bar, but I stopped every plan in my head, asked you a silly question, but you still responded even though I was a stranger to you.

You listened and it changed everything. I stopped thinking when you smile made me think you cared, and it somehow felt like it was my last change to be heard by someone. And you did. You listened.

I liked to think of myself as a star, for the simple reason that I was left behind and no one ever noticed. Everyone could see me, but I was no longer here. Even I wasn't aware of this, until I wanted to return to Earth for a reason and realized that it was already impossible. I couldn't reach out to you.

I never thought I'd have the perseverance to spend months with the same goal in mind, especially if I never once thought about letting it go. It didn't feel like an obligation nor did it feel like a game, but it felt like the moment I'd been waiting for my whole life to know there was something for me in this world.

I spent years looking for answers in the stars, until I found them in you, in the guy who mistook the moon for a restaurant sign, the same guy who played along with me for so many nights admiring the sky no matter the weather conditions, and the same guy who made me feel enough peace to close my eyes in a hug. It was a minute, but I felt alive again.

I can't explain all this I feel and the connection with what I'm about to do, because maybe there is not connection as such, I'm just a complete mess who deserted in the research. Why isn't it enough? Why is all this love I feel for you not enough to make me stay? I want to stay with you, be with you, and get better together with you.

Jisung, you gave me so much hope I don't know what to do with it now. Where would it go when I'm not here anymore? Would you still be able to feel it? I hope you do. I won't take it with me; I want it to stay where it belongs.

It weighs on me that our research is the last line on the list of things I never finished, and that kissing you under the starriest sky of the year is the first of the things I will never do.

I trust you to finish our research, I hope that someday you will go in winter (warmly dressed, please) and sit on the rock and look at the sky, that you will write down your thoughts on whether the stars seem to come down to earth at that time of the year, that you will write if any of them reminds you of me. Hopefully it will, hopefully this time I can actually get a little closer to Earth so I can be alone for a moment with you, quietly in my heart this time.

I never saw as many stars in my life as I saw with you, and I never saw one that shone as bright as you did. I hope your brightness doesn't disappear, so I can keep looking for you from wherever I am.

Thank you for the stars, I carry them in my heart, just as I carry you.

 -ZCL, a lost star.

The paper was soaked with tears by the time he read the signature.

His mind spun, invaded by images of Chenle; one after the other, from the day they met until the last night, even being cruel enough to imagine him writing the letter.

With that letter, thousands of things made sense in their story, Jisung could now see it, but they no longer had a reason to exist if Chenle was not there. Everything was darkness and he couldn't find the direction to go, he could only think about the last night stargazing, where nothing existed but a pair of eyes illuminated by the city lights. Eyes that were artificially illuminated for months until it was no longer enough.

The journal sat on the desk for weeks, not being look through as frequently as it had become used to. Jisung outlined the drawing on the cover, paying attention to the distance between the little prince and the rose. In the drawing it looked short, just a few centimeters apart, but taking the place of either of the two it could be enormous. He sighed before opening it, feeling his hand tremble as he did so.

All the notes were there, starting with the first entry he made when he was a teenager, the ones he and Chenle had made took more than half of the journal, he smiled weakly, biting his lip to keep from crying when he saw the note that corresponded to the day when they met. After Chenle's full name was his age, which was supposed to change in a few more weeks. With a pen that was on the desk, Jisung scratched the age written on it, trying to be careful not to tear the page when writing there again. He felt his eyes burn, but it felt right that way. At least this way it was easier to ignore that Chenle's age would no longer change.

He leafed through for a while longer, passing by where the missing pages were noticed, in the middle of the month of August, perhaps in the middle of the end of summer and the beginning of autumn. When he thought he reached the end, he took a deep breath, a note from the end of October. A note from that night.

10/25

Park Jisung, you're the universe I'm helpless in, you have all the constellation in your eyes. I'm in love with you, and it will remain this way forever.

Please, be happy.

-Zhong Chenle.

Tears traveled the path they seemed to know by heart, but this time a smile was on Jisung's face.

What differentiated that note from the letter, despite being written the same night, was the intention with which it was written. The letter is not part of their story, the note is. Directed intentionally for Jisung, written by Chenle, the last names on display taking away a bit of the anonymity they were used to, and, of course, the intention that, no matter what day Jisung opened the journal, Chenle would be declaring his love.

It would have been the perfect ending to that journal, but Jisung knew it wasn't the end. As much as it was a new wound to his heart when he opened it, he tried to keep writing.

He wrote a simple message for Chenle on his birthday, not sure he could write more without having another emotional breakdown.

Sometimes he wrote in the company of Jeno and Donghyuck, who never read the notes but held their friend's hand while he wrote little words for Chenle, thinking that one day he would be able to see them from wherever he was.

The holidays came, the year went by, another one began, and none of that made things easier for Jisung. It was difficult to get out of the constant state of sadness he harbored, and when he made even the slightest progress, the world fell apart again.

His friends accompanied him as much as they could, but at some point they sought more help from Jisung's mother, who stopped her busy schedule after years to see her son, feeling her heart sink when she saw that all the sparkle in his eyes had gone.

“I don't think you should have this anymore,” his mother murmured, placing a hand on the journal. Jisung pulled him away from her.

“I need it with me.” he scoffed, frowning. “I'll find my peace, I can get through this alone.”

The woman pursed her lips, and Jisung knew she kept what she thought to herself: that he wouldn't be able to get through it alone. But he convinced himself that he would. He did it before, with the help of an empty journal and no one to judge him while he cried, why couldn't he now?

Ups and downs took him until the night before his birthday, where he wished not to wake up so as not to face the reality of spending that day alone. But, as was always, there was no one who could grant him a single wish.

The first thing he did when he woke up was cry, surprised to still have tears after so many months of carelessly shedding them. He ran to the desk to sit down and write, praying with all his might that something in today's atmosphere might be a sign that someone was listening to him, that Chenle hadn't completely abandoned him.

He had told his friends that he didn't want to celebrate, they understood and just wished him a happy birthday over the group chat, and, although Jisung was determined to wallow in his misery all day, before midnight he called Donghyuck to ask him if he would take him somewhere before the day was over. When his friend's car stopped in front of the building, he noticed Jeno smiling sweetly at him from the passenger seat.

With a grateful smile, Jisung got into the car and told Donghyuck where to go and where to stop.

He hadn't been there since early October, the first thing he noticed was that he didn't feel as at peace as before when he was in front of the rock. For a moment he wanted to close the car door, tell Donghyuck to go back to the city and apologize for making them go out so late, but before he could do it, Jeno extended his hand to him, letting him know they would keep him accompany on the rock.

Jisung took his usual place, but this time he felt empty, with too much space around him because his friends didn't get on, they just tood next to him while they saw the city and Jisung looked towards the mountains.

The stars were shining, he felt surrounded by them, as if they were slowly descending because it was the day he had waited so long for, the moon accompanied him too, positioning itself firmly above him like the last time he saw it.

“They say the October moons are very beautiful,” he told his friends with a lump in his throat.

“I think today's is also very pretty,” Donghyuck responded, leaning his head on Jisung's shoulder.

“He's not here,” Jisung muttered barely, shaking his head. “It's my birthday, the night we were waiting for… And nothing screams to me that he is here.”

“Jisung…”

“It's not fair!” he sobbed, hugging his knees. “We should've been together today… We should've… Our first kiss would have been here… We will never be together again” he lamented, directing his desperate gaze to the sky. “I could go through an entire galaxy looking for Chenle and he could've been roaming every sky looking for me but we will never meet again.”

Jeno looked up at the sky, not because he wanted to see the stars, but to prevent tears from falling from his eyes. Donghyuck hugged Jisung by the neck, sobbing silently as his friend fell into pieces again, with all the stars and the moon being witness to his broken heart.

It wouldn't get any easier from then on. Time would just get by and, even if they wanted to take away all of Jisung's pain by just making a wish, they knew they couldn't interrupt his friend's process.

When they were back in the city, Jisung made a note under the date of his birthday, complaining to Chenle and the entire universe for having been abandoned like this, but reflecting on his words, concluding that perhaps they were only destined to be a moment in time, a once in a lifetime opportunity.

There was no indication that what they had would last, and the only thing that had a clear limit was the investigation.

On February 5, Jisung concluded the research.

Some time later, long enough for a heavy layer of dust to mostly cover the drawing in the diary, Jisung decided to open it one last time, remembering that he never made a complementary note to the one Chenle left.

I found the notebook you gave me.

You didn't want me to write about you, so I won't do it.

It's been a while, I'm not happy, I'm not better. I'm just still here, sometimes I think about you, sometimes I remember you without bursting down into tears and that's a good sign!

You told me to be happy, and I'm trying. The next time I'm able to look at the sky, you'll see me smiling.

I didn't want to put a date to this, because we have the most important things documented already, and I don't want to put a deadline on my healing, so I'll just leave it like this.

P.S. I never gave you an answer.

Zhong Chenle, you were the first star I ever met, the one I will always look for in this galaxy, and I was equally in love with you.

I hope you're in peace, you always deserved it.

 -Park Jisung.

The last time Jisung saw Chenle, he took all the stars in the sky with him and, so far, they haven't returned to where they belong.