Chapter Text
You let out a sigh as you entered your room, closing the door right behind you. You had been hoping that a nice, warm shower would help you relax just slightly but you had no such luck. Not that you expected much anyway, especially considering all the things that had been happening lately. The Mark was what mostly had you awake at nights - along with the thought of how Dean was - but now things had taken a turn for the worse. You really doubted it was possible but here you were. Charlie's death was really too much for you to take - yet another one that did not deserve it, you thought every time - but what had happen after that... Oh dear, what had happened after that honestly had you more scared than any other monster had before.
You sighed again, sitting on your bed and letting the towel that you were drying your hair with fall onto your lap. You shook your head and buried your face in your hands. Thoughts of what had happened just a week ago swimming through your mind.
-Flashback-
You and Sam had just returned at the bunker from Charlie's funeral and the atmosphere felt heavy around you. None of you dared to say a thing but you just couldn't keep quiet, either. You bit your lip all the time, desperately wanting to talk to Sam. You knew you probably shouldn't but you had known them for almost all your life, so you knew what Sam was thinking right now.
“Sam” you whispered, voice barely audible yet so loud in the silence that had surrounded you after you returned to the bunker. Dean was now out for drinks, leaving you and Sam alone.
“Don’t, (Y/n). Just don’t” Sam said and then pursed his lips, deciding to look down at the sandwich he was making for you - because you had burned your hand.
You were leaving a flower on top of Charlie’s burning body when you heard Dean say ‘I think it should be you up there and not her’. Your eyes had widened at hearing Dean say something like that to Sam and you had momentarily forgotten that your hand was above the flames. When you realized it it was too late. If it wasn’t for Dean coming to your aid immediately you would have been left with a really bad burn right now, that was for sure.
“But Sam-” you whispered to him with a pained look on your face.
“Don’t say it, (Y/n). It’s ok. Really.” he turned to give you a tight smile - obviously forced - and then turned to look back at the food “It’s ok” he whispered, mostly trying to reassure himself.
You started taking in deep breaths, your lips pursed as you stared intensely at his back “No, no it’s not. And you know it” you said firmly.
“(Y/n)-” he started but you cut him off.
“No, don’t ‘(Y/n)’ me Sam. It’s not ok and you know it!”
He let out a sigh as he handed you your food “I know (Y/n). But just listen-” he started and you cut him off once again.
“No Sam you listen!” you said in a harsh voice.
You let out a sigh and looked back up at him “He didn’t mean it Sam. He didn’t really mean it. Dean- he would never say something like that. Not to you. Never to you. He was just- It was too much for him. That’s just it. Charlie dying was just too much for him to take but you know that he would never say something like that and actually mean it. You’re his brother Sam.”
“I know (Y/n)” he smiled just slightly at your trying to reassure him “But I know perfectly well that it is true. Maybe I didn’t expect him to actually say it. Maybe that shocked me a little bit but-” he let out a sigh “-I know that it is true. You do too, just don’t want to accept it” he smiled sadly, shrugging slightly.
“No, Sam. No.” you said firmly “I don’t think that it is true. And neither does Dean. He didn’t mean it, Sam. He didn’t!” you emphasized your words, trying to make him believe that he was worth saving. That his own brother did not think that he was unworthy.
You let out a sigh and shaking your head walked towards hims. You wrapped your arms around him and buried your face in his chest, biting your lip to keep the tears from rolling. Seeing the brothers like this broke you. You were not able to stand seeing them apart.
Sam hesitated but hugged you back “It’s ok” he whispered “It’s ok”
“Sam” you breathed out, lip trembling just slightly at seeing the look in his eyes.
“He didn’t mean it, ok? He didn’t. Dean would never say something like and actually mean it when it comes to you. You’ve been through so much together. So much and yet you managed to pull through. Together. Because you are brothers. And the bond you two have is much more than just that. It is much more than just blood relation, Sam. Dean- Dean would never wish that for you. Hell, if it happened I am sure that he would trade his life for yours. Once again! Sam he would never be able to live without you. You, Sam, are his brother. And no matter how many arguments you’ve had. No matter how many things you have said to each other. No matter how many bad and unforgivable things you’ve done, you always pulled through. Together. Come Hell, Heaven or Purgatory you two always made it through. Together.” you let out a breath, pulling completely away from him.
“You’re his brother, Sam. There is no chance on this Earth that Dean Winchester would put anything else above you. There is no chance that he would chose anybody else before you, if need be.” you added in a softer voice, smiling when you saw a smile appears on Sam’s face.
“You always are right (Y/n).” he looked at you with a true smile and you nodded with a bigger one of yours.
“Just not this time” he added and your smile fell. A perplexed look was on your face as Sam kept smiling. Mostly since it seemed to be a true one.
“Even though Dean might not admit it, now or ever, there is one person that he would chose above everyone. Above himself. And above me.” he put a few strands behind your ear “He would chose you over me any given second, if need be”
You shook your head at hearing Sam’s words, a pang in your chest. You both wanted and not to believe Sam's words. Mostly because you could not deny the deep feelings you had for Dean for a really long time.
“Sam-” you let out a sigh “-He doesn’t see me that way. Dean and I are just friends we-” Sam’s deep chuckle made you stop.
“You may be oblivious to it, (Y/n). And Dean may not have said anything openly to me but- I see the way he looks at you. He has never looked at a woman like that. Hell, it is so obvious even a blind man could see it. I have seen it for a while now, (Y/n). The way he talks to you, the way he tries not to show how he’s worried about you, the way he feels for you is impossible to hide. Even though he might try. I haven’t gotten to say it before and I don’t think I will get to say again, to another woman anyway, but- (Y/n). Dean’s in love with you” he said with a sad smile.
“Sam-” you bit your lip but he cut you off.
“He would chose you over me, (Y/n). Dean would chose you over anyone, even himself, even me, any given second.” he cupped your cheek and smiled at you, though it only made you feel even more sad.
“We both would” he added and your head snapped up at him.
Your eyes widened and you opened your mouth ready to speak, to say anything, but you could not utter a single word as you just stood there. Mouth hanging almost open and Sam's words swimming through your head.
Sam only smiled softly but he as well did not say a word.
He leaned down to kiss your cheek. His face lingering close to yours for a little longer than needed.
When he pulled away he just smiled down at you, brushing his thumb on your cheek and then completely pulling away to leave.
While you just stood there, eyes wide and heart hammering in your chest at what Sam had said.
Sam had just told you what you wanted and feared to hear.
Maybe some thing were Better Left Unsaid, after all.
-End of Flashback-
You shook your head once again, running a hand down your face. It had been a week since it happened and you still couldn't believe it.
Maybe mostly because you didn't want to.
You could not deny it to yourself that what you felt for Dean was deep. You did not know if you could dare as to think that you were in love with him - love was a luxury no hunter could have - but you knew he meant a lot to you. Not that you had told him, anyway. You were never the one to express your feelings first, especially to Dean Winchester. Not with what he was going through, anyway. What with the Mark and now Charlie's death you did not dare tell him what you really felt about him, despite what Sam had told you.
Oh dear.
Sam.
His words kept echoing in your mind all the time.
'We both would'
They both would you kept thinking.
They both would chose you over one another. And honestly that was a thought that scared you to no end. You didn't want it. You didn't want it at all.
Of course you want to be special for them. You wanted to be important to Dean so much that he would do anything for you - selfish but true - because you knew that you would do anything for him too. And... let's be honest, Sam had always held a special place in your heart - so special that you could not pinpoint it yourself, either. You've always been really close, not as much as you and Dean were, but you knew that there was something special between Sam and you, too. You knew that deep down you felt something for him too.
And you were scared.
You were so scared now that you knew that they both felt something for you. Because that was sure anymore.
Sam's words along with the way he looked at you and treated you this whole week had made you sure of his feelings. And thinking back to all you and him had been through... you were more than sure yourself.
And you would have been ok with it. Yes you would. You are not going to deny it to yourself that you could see Sam as more than just a close friend, but Dean... oh Dean.
Just the thought of him made your heart want to jump out of your chest. Maybe it was what Sam made you feel too or maybe not. You could not really be sure of that anymore.
What you were sure of, though, was that Sam was right. He was so right...
You thought back to your and Dean's 'relationship' and you were more than sure.
-Flashback-
“Where would I be without you, (Y/n)?” Dean asked, mostly himself, looking you straight in the eyes; a hand of his cupping your cheek. Yours over The Mark, rubbing your thumb over it, the movement always making him relax.
“Probably at some strip-club with some exotic dancer all over you. Or maybe a couple exotic dancers” you said with a soft chuckle, trying to lighten the mood.
Ever since he got The Mark Dean was not himself but these days things had only gotten worse. There was really nothing you could do other than offer him a shoulder to lean on.
You had spent endless nights staying up till the morning, talking about anything and anyone to get his mind off The Mark. Rarely would the conversation drift to The Mark and how Dean actually felt.
Dean was not a man of words, never a man that would openly express his feelings, but with you… with you it was different. He found himself talking to you openly about how The Mark affected him. His deepest thoughts and feelings.
Both of you laid in bed together, although you were nothing more than just friends, you holding him in your arms and running your fingers through his hair to make him relax. Hoping to help him get some shut eye. Only when you were sure he was completely asleep would you pull a blanket over the two of you. Kissing his head and mumbling a soft‘Goodnight Dean’. Resting your forehead on top of his head and finally letting yourself to close your eyes.
Unknown to you, though, Dean always stayed up till later. Later than you. Opening his eyes after he made sure you were asleep and mumbling an equally soft 'Goodnight (Y/n)’. Closing his eyes, then, and finally allowing himself to smile. It was always small but it was sincere.
“Nobody compares to you” he mumbled, looking at you with soft eyes and and rubbing his thumb on your, now red, cheek.
“Nobody can ever compare to you” he added with a ghost of a smile and you allowed yourself to smile at his words.
He wanted to say more. You wanted to say more.
But none of you did. None of you dared to.
-End of Flashback-
And now you realized what was that thing between you and Dean. It wasn't just a deep bond between the two of you. It wasn't just an unspoken connection two broken people shared. It wasn't just an understanding you both would have when it came to each other's pain. It wasn't just any feeling you shared. It was love and you were really scared to even think about it.
Because Sam was right.
And as you thought back to all those times you've been 'close' with each of the brothers you could not help but agree with him. There was no point in even denying it anymore. No, not when you got to think of that hunt.
That hunt.
It was a memory you tried to suppress, you tried to forget with all your will but still was there. You wanted to think it was just a bad dream, that it had not happened but, yet, it had and you could not deny it.
You wanted to think that everything that monster had said was a lie but... it was not.
-Flashback-
You were at a small town at that time. Long time ago for that matter. Before the fall, before the bunker and above all before The Mark. You were hunting a siren you vividly remembered. Not really hard but not really easy, either. That's what you were thinking when you started with that case. You were quite surprised, to say the least, when you had managed to find her really quickly at a bar while luring some innocent guy away. You hadn't missed a beat to get into action and follow them. Finding them at the back of the bar and killing the creature was easy and you honestly could not help but get suspicious. But, as long as the job was done then you really did not have much to worry about.
If only you had known back then.
You had finished the hunt successfully so the boys - or well, basically Dean - had thought of going at a bar that was near your hotel. Not the same one as where you found your siren, just a bigger one. Sam had agreed, obviously in need of a drink, but you had declined. Dean had insisted, that was for sure, but in the end gave up. They had left you on your own at you room as you tried to get as much sleep as possible before you were back on the road again.
As it seemed, though, sleep eluded you and no matter how much you move and turned on your bed you could not shut an eye. Maybe it had to do a great deal with the fact that you could not stop thinking how easy this hunt all of a sudden had proved to be and how you had a feeling in your gut that told you something bad was about to happen. You'd gotten up frustrated, thrown the covers on the side, got dressed and exiting your room and soon afterwards the motel you had made your way to the bar you knew Sam and Dean were going to be.
It was really close to your motel so you just walked towards there. Before you entered you had decided to look through the window to see if Sam and Dean were actually there but you had soon regretted your actions. Dean was in fact nowhere to be seen and you couldn't help but think how he would have already left with some chick at her place, mostly seeing as you had not seen him return back to your motel on the way to the bar. You could not deny that you felt your heart tighten.
Yet again he had left with another woman you'd thought bitterly.
You could not help the pain in your chest every time you thought about Dean being with another woman, let alone seeing him flirt on bars with them. Your feelings for him were an undeniable matter- at least to yourself - and every time you saw him with another woman - mostly leaving a bar you were at to go at her place - you could hardly keep yourself from tearing up. But that's how things always were with Dean and you actually could not say something about it because you were only... friends.
And then a feeling that resembled the one to being stabbed in the chest soon followed as your eyes fell on Sam at the far corner of the bar with... a woman next to him. You could not see her face clearly, mostly because of the dim lighting and how she had leaned in to whisper something on Sam's ear but you could clearly see he expression on Sam's face. You had never seen him flirt so openly with a woman before - save for when he'd come back from hell and did not have a soul - and this time you could clearly say it could not compare to those times either. The smile on Sam's face proved to the fact that this was something more. That whoever the woman next to him was, she had Sam feeling things that he obviously never had and that could only mean that this was not just something to go by easily. Sure, seeing him flirt with another woman hurt - maybe just as much as with Dean - but seeing that kind of expression on his face could only tear you apart on the inside.
You abruptly turned your head on the other side to tear your eyes from the scene in front of you. You felt a lump form on your throat and your eyes suddenly sting. You blinked several times and took in a shaky breath as you turned to walk away from the bar. You bit your lip as you turned and started taking small steps away from there. As it seemed Sam was not going to come back early either. You clenched your fists as you stopped walking for a second and took in another shaky breath. You shook your head and run a hand through your hair.
Sam was only your friend, you should not feel this way when seeing him with another woman... should you?
You had not realized where you were walking towards and before you could realize it you were actually walking circles and had arrived at the back of the bar. It was not the realization of that that shocked you, though, but almost falling after stumbling into an unconscious Dean that made your eyes widen.
You immediately bent down to check on him and soon let out a sigh of relief when you felt his pulse. You checked on his head as well and saw a small trickle of blood, realizing that somebody must have hit him hard there. You were ready and about to get up to go to Sam and inform him - part of you worried to death about Dean and part of you wanting desperately to ruin whatever he had going with that chick. Before you could even so make a single move, though, you heard footstep and sure as hell there was Sam.
Not the way that you expected him though.
He was unconscious as well as somebody dragged him towards where they had obviously put Dean before. What shocked you was not that but the person carrying Sam.
It was... you?
Well, as it seemed, not exactly you but somebody that looked exactly like you. They seemed to be shocked as well before throwing Sam to the cold ground and only stared at you with wide eyes.
Needless to say it didn't take long for you to realize who- or most specifically what the person was. A siren. And the feeling in your gut was absolutely right. There were two of them but you had not realized it. This one as it seemed intended to keep both boys by her side, take them away from this bar, make them fight with each other and whoever won she'd use to kill a couple other people. Or so she had told you in the beginning when she thought that you'd just end up dead.
And to cut a long story short, you fought with her. You fought as hard as you could and you had finally gotten a grasp of her and made sure she was not going to escape you asked her the only question that you've been dying to ask- the only question that would not stop spinning in your mind the second you saw her with Sam and soon connected all the dots to how she was the one that lured Dean as well.
Why the hell had she used your face to seduce both boys away?
But she didn't seem to be willing to give the answer you so much wanted. So instead you tortured her. It took a while, that was for sure, she seemed to be a tough one but in the end... she just broke. Everybody had a breaking point as it seemed.
And the words she told you still echoed in your mind just like it was yesterday, although it was actually a couple years ago.
"You want to know why? Fine then, fine! Here is why sweetheart! I am going to tell you the reason why! Because they wanted to! That's what they wanted to see and that's what they saw! You! That is what the wanted to see and I simply took your form! I read their minds, princess, and you want to know what I saw in both of them? You. It is all about you. The older one-" she motioned with her head to the still unconscious Dean in her left
"-tried to think about something else. You know, he was flirting with another woman before I came towards him. He was trying so hard to focus on her. Somebody would have thought he was actually thinking about the blondie he had in front of him and her pretty obvious goodies but no- no he was trying to actually forget. To forget you. But clearly failing. All he wanted to do was take his mind off you but when I appeared, in your form of course, he just lost the battle that he was obviously going to lose anyway. And wanna know about cutie there?" she motioned with her head to the unconscious Sam, a wicked grin on her face.
"Oh he was surprised. He was definitely surprised. Seems like he's gotten used to living in his brother's shadow. Obviously green eyes takes always the girl. But he didn't really seem to care, either. After a few sweet words, that he obviously needed to hear from you, and a little bit of comfort he just loosened up and followed right away. So really, I don't think you should be asking me why I chose to use your form but rather them. I merely take the form- or well basically they see what they want to in order to be seduced. When I read their mind all I saw was you. Weird, I know. Maybe not very much but still" she shrugged and laughed as if she was crazy "You know, I never had the need to use the same face twice to lure two guys but as it seems it was my lucky day. Until you showed up I guess. But really I think you should talk about it. They both have the hots for you- maybe something more than that and you-" you had cut her off before she could say anything more.
In an impulse, and as you still felt your heart hammer in your chest and drum in your ears, you had stabbed her with a bronze dagger and it seemed like the perfect timing because that's when Dean started to wake up.
You actually did not have the emotional strength to hear more from that monster. You wanted to think she was lying but at the same time you could not help but believe that what she was saying was actually true. And that scared you more than anything else.
You had helped Dean and later Sam that woke up but all the time you contemplated on whether you should ask them or not.
And as if in a blur, you mind acted on its own, and your lips formed the words before you could realize it.
You asked them who they saw when being seduced.
And they... they did not say your name. None of them did. Well, Dean in the beginning seemed to think of saying it but in the end opted for lying just as Sam that did not have the courage to speak the truth... especially in front of his brother.
And you let it slip by. You let it slip by because some part of you wanted to believe them... although another selfish part of you wanted to believe the siren and what she had told you.
-End of Flashback-
And you still remembered that time. You still remember her words just like you still remember how Dean and Sam acted around you for a while after that. How they avoided eye contact and how hey hesitated to answer to your question of who they saw when you first asked them.
You always thought about that time. You always thought about everything that had happened and you couldn't help but let yourself actually think of how Sam was right on everything he had said just a week ago.
He was right.
Dean was in love with you and so was Sam. And that meant that you... were getting between them.
You were getting between Dean and Sam, slowly but surely breaking their bond and that was something you wanted by no means.
You'd know the brothers all your life, you had been with them while they went through so much together and you were truly amazed at seeing how close they were. The bond between them was truly something that fascinated you and made you happy to see. They were all that each other had, no family left anymore, and it honestly broke you to see them argue even for the least important things - when the arguments were serious, anyway. You honestly wished nothing could ever come between them yet...
...here you were doing just that.
But you knew you couldn't. You just couldn't come in between them and take away something so important from each one of them. You couldn't take away something so important from the people you loved so much.
And that's why your decision was now made.